Peace

These past few days I have felt particularly burdened. But today God has restored peace in my heart.

Have you found this peace? No matter what you have gone through, God makes it available to you. — Dennis Fisher

There is peace in midst of turmoil,
There is joy when eyes are dim,
There is perfect understanding
When we leave it all to Him. —Brown

True peace is not the absence of war; it is the presence of God. —Loveless

- Daily Bread 7 December

Today's ODB talked about the bombing at pearl harbour - basically it talked about war. War need not always be about that of flights and battles between nations; it could be one within yourself, or between the circumstances you are in and you. It's so easy to let the worries of this world get to you and bring you away from God. Such worries and anxieties take our mind away from God if we let it reign over us. Instead of looking to Him who leads our battles, we focus only on the battle we are in without listening to our Commander's instructions. No war can be won if all its soldiers do their own thing.

I admit this past week I have begun to let that issue weigh me down greatly. It caused me much stress and concern, so much so that though I tell myself I should trust God and have faith in His providence, it doesn't really hit through to my heart. Why? Because I have neglected to go back to His word for that restoration of faith and security of His promises. We can't base our faith only on our own thoughts, neither can our faith grow only from self-persuasion. We always ALWAYS have to go back to the Word, and of course, fellowship with godly brothers and sisters in Christ.

It is a new week. It is a new beginning :)

Oh man. Should I re-subscribe? Only have less than 2 weeks to play for this month though. And I'm on a tight budget. Bleah. Oh well.

It's after the exams. But I'm still tired. Gotta start reading up for ISM this coming week. Shag. I feel like staying home everyday and not going out anymore. But it's simply not in my character to do so. Haven't gymed for a while. Feeling the fees dripping slowly but surely into the drain. Ha.

I so need a job.

Thank God for a one-off data entry job. Just 40 bucks... but every little bit helps.

I think I will keep my meals to eating at home for now.

The week after this coming one, I plan not to go for any outings if I can help it.

Was just listening to this on my ipod.



Not that I'm feeling emo of course. Nonetheless I do appreciate such songs.

Exams are finally over :) I'm not feeling all that relieved or anything though. I guess it's because my concerns hadn't been on the exams, which probably explains why I didn't request prayer for them.

They are all coming to view the house and everything now. Reality is kinda setting in. Just a few more months to go.

Just had dinner with Surath today:) Really nice to catch up and everything again. Too bad he had to rush off for his gig at Timbre. Miss those times we had at KR rooftop with Nips and Rach, singing and playing the guitar, with the occasional drinks of course. Heh.

Regardless of tough situations in life, I know never to be really worried... because He is never far away. I've been blessed in abundance! Not necessarily in the material sense, but such abundance is really worth more than what I thought I really need. God has provided me with what is more important. And besides, it's times like this when I do cherish what I do have, and to look upon what I do not lack with fervant thanksgiving. More importantly, there's so much love to go around! God has shown such a deep and profound love for me that I can't not give it to others!

Dad was listening to Pastor Prince's sermon on youtube today. Hehehehehe :)

Of naughty and nice

A couple of days ago I stayed over at Varsity...where my cousin's 7 year-old son was also staying. He was overwhelmingly excited to see for some strange reason, and he kept me up till 12am! Extremely super extraordinarily ultra very hyperactive. And that's only an understatement. Not that it's late for me or anything...but he is only 7 years old after all. Anyway that night he slept with me in Eddie's room. I was tired so I dozed off first. He continued watching TV in the room, with the table lamp switched on. An hour later, I woke up to find that the TV and light still on though he was already asleep... so I switched it off.

Well essentially I hadn't had much sleep that night. Every movement he made woke me up. And I noticed him waking up to realise it was dark... and he snuggled up even closer to me. Awww. *sayang* Then he fell aslp and turned away, only to wake up and snuggle close again when he realised it was still dark. Heh so cute.

The next night I left to go home. He tricked me into carrying him, then he gave me 29 kisses on the cheek! 29 wet sloppy kisses. omg. Wasn't me who counted. When I finally 'dropped' him on the floor to escape the kisses, he happily proclaimed he gave me 29 kisses. Haha kill me. The young kid who already said he has two girlfriends in sch coz he gave him 2 kisses on the cheek each. Such a player at a tender age. Tsktsk :p

Such a naughty active kid. But oh so sweet too. *heart melts* Can't wait to be a mum sometimes. Hahaha

finding out

I've come to realise God doesn't always give a 'smack-in-your-face' answer every time you ask him for one. Many times He wants you to realise things in a certain timing. Some things that may appear urgent to you aren't in fact urgent at all, and He knows it. He probably in fact would show you something else which is more urgent, though you didn't think it was...at first. Then you thank God for reminding you about it :p

For a period of time, I have had my doubts about my path...whether I was really cut out to be a teacher or not. Sure I've done relief teaching and tuition. But being a full-fleged teacher in a primary school is a whole new ball game altogether! Every time I pray about it, God always seemed silent. It seems I would never know for sure until I was already in a school or something. Then this semester... little things started to happen. Things that I didn't realise were pointing me to the answer I wanted to know.

At least now I have that peace in me, that where I'm heading towards, is where God wants me to be :)

The first step into a new world

Well... haven't exactly entered that new world yet. But I've always believed that a decision made up by the mind is a good first step to make. Gonna be moving house soon. Probably sometime within the next 6 months. Somewhere in the west likely. I guess when I first found out about the whole issue, my initial reaction was fear, stress and anxiety. Fear of the unknown. Stressed about the situation. Anxious about how we were gonna go on.

I guess the thing about passing the age of 21 is that the doors of life's reality just opens wideee...

But over the past week or so, I've learned to really trust God in this whole issue. I know He will give me the best, and in the process pruning me further. Good will come out of this I'm sure :) Michelle was exuberant when she heard I was moving to the west. How cute :p

Had a great meal with Poky at ichiban boshi yesterday. The food is AWESOME. O M G. I wanna go back and eat again! If only I got like a lot more money to spare. Sigh. But regardless, I thank my bestie for blessing me with such a great dinner and fantastic company :)

Following that was Nip's bday at Jbar. His gf gave him a sketch on canvas... it was a picture of himself. DAMN WELL DRAWN. Omg. I initially thought it was some photoshoped thing. Omg. Such talented people. Lol. Surath treated me to 2 glasses of lychee martini. Haven't drank in a long while... so it got me rather slpy. And yes, I had to sing on stage again. Just kill me. Malu a bit... or a lot. Haha.

Now come to think of it... I'm excited about the future. About the path that God wants me to take. The path that He's leading me in. It's like there's no real fear anymore... not with Jesus holding my hand all the way :)

A fine dayyyy :)

Just finished my Great Eastern 10km run~ Woots~! Pretty awesome run I might add. Finished it in 60min? +/- a few minutes perhaps. I think that's rather decent considering I haven't been training long distance at all. I repeat - AT ALL. Heh. The weather was awesome. And to top it off, I saw RM! Haha. I think only xintian knows who that is :P Didn't see her after the race though. Only saw her running... and I could only see her coz GE routes have quite a few u-turns. Yea she's still as fast as ever. Geez.

Had a great sharing with Zf over breakfast too. Haven't really had a decent chat with him in a while. We are all busy people. Still good to know we can talk about stuffs together. A good brother in Christ :)

I seem to be wanting to write anything and everything OTHER THAN my term paper. It's due tonight at 2359. Well it's a group internal deadline anyway. So maybe that's why I'm not as.. shall we say... motivated to finish it :P

In times of hardships, it's always good to know that you have people you can trust, people who will not let you down, people who will stick by you, understand you, listen to you. Yes I am blessed :)

Just a little reminder

Looks like I'm back here at AS7 again. It seems to be the only time I do my blogging these days. Or not. hmmm. Anyway I just had my math lect earlier in the morning. Overheard two girls behind me asking each other about the math problem the prof went through before the break. And well, they didn't seem to know how to go about doing it. Normally I'd just leave them to it, because well, we somehow are a bit lazy in moving out of our little bubble... or comfort zone as most people call it. Then a thought ran through my mind - a little reminder of why I'm still where I am. Refer to a few posts earlier if you are confused. Lol. In any case, I decided to turn around and ask if they needed help. While I don't think I explained it all that well, I think that one of them got it in the end, and she helped the other girl. The look of gratitude on the girls' faces kinda reaffirmed what I was doing I suppose. I know I don't do it for the gratitude... it's just something I do. Kinda hard to explain that I think.

Speaking of reminders, there are so many reminders that I constantly need to give myself. I am a forgetful person after all. But above that, I also refer to reminders of being Christ-like, of doing what God made me to be. I feel so weak sometimes...many times... Hard to do this on my own. In fact, it's impossible. Only in Him can I be strong. And yes that's something I need to remind myself too. The issue of self-reliance is a struggle sometimes. I think most of us can relate to that on some level.

The struggle can be tiring, very draining in fact. But ultimately we struggle because we all need to reach the top for that precious gulp of air. Or instead of struggling so hard, we could reach out to the hand just within in. It's our choice whether we want to accept it or not. Don't reject the help just because you feel you don't deserve the help, or that you would be a better person if you achieve the end on your own... you could die trying after all. No one is made to be a loner all his life. We all need help at some point, even if you don't acknowledge that it was help given.

Loss...?

This video prompted me to blog about what's been going through my mind today. It's been a week of losses. My hamster's missing after my mum left the cage door open overnight by mistake. Lost my thumbdrive when I forgot to take it out of the school computer. Attended my friend's dad's wake. Looking at these things on their own do seem quite depressing.

Then I realised a few things. Things that I should actually be thankful for.

I'm thankful that I didn't have any ongoing assignments in progress which I had only saved to my thumbdrive.

I'm thankful that it was only my hamster that went missing. Don't get me wrong, I love my hamster. But I'm sure you can think of worse things to lose... or people for that matter.

I'm NOT going to say that I'm thankful it was not my dad who passed on. I'm thankful for the fact that my friend's dad has a place in heaven because he's a child of God, and that the family, while sad over the loss, has had a good 5.5years longer than what the doctor predicted their dad had left to live after being diagnosed with cancer.

In the midst of my own trivial losses, God has allowed me to grow from it. An old me would have gone bonkers over losing my thumbdrive (seeing as how I always dump a lot of stuff in it... and some of which weren't backed up...yet), trivial as it is to some of you. I think my older friends can tell you how upset I was over losing an eraser. I hate losing things. Period. While I've lost my little hamster, I still have my family and friends intact. I've learned and accepted that there's really nothing I can do from all these situations - I can only depend on Him, to trust that He always has a way. The most cynic of you may see it as a person simply trying to rationalise her losses, simply growing up, or simply having a method of coping with one's losses.

Maybe so? But what prompted this change? People don't just grow up. There are so many people who grow older but never 'grow up'. Now it's not simply about accepting the losses, but seeing the good out of it, and being thankful for the good and the bad. I can honestly say I'm thankful I lost my thumbdrive, because I now realise something different. And that I have a lovely dad who gave me another thumbdrive (and he even changed the covering coz the original one was soooo ugly :P). There's just so many things God has given me to be thankful for.

It's not a simple matter of knowing it, but rather a deeper intuition of feeling it deep within.

Sometimes I need to learn to be more observant. Never realised how... blur I can be. I mean, I knew I was blur, but this has gotta be the ultimate mans. Haha.

Ok I'm actually supposed to be doing my readings now. But some things have just got me thinking. Won't blog about it but well, let's just say step-by-step, I'm starting to see what's my life's direction.

Finally gonna be catching up with surath this sat over lunch. Haven't really had a proper conversation with him in... months? Haha life's been busy for the both of us. Feeling quite guilty about not meeting up with him more though. We used to be rather close friends after all.

Had to back out on prayer meeting with Xintian and Shu coz I've got to attend with wake. A friend's dad passed away from cancer. I guess it's times like that when we feel the largest strain on our faith. We keep asking WHY. WHY? It's so hard to see God's reason. I'm sure every single of us have asked that question before, regardless of the magnitude of the situation. Oh well. I guess that question will always bring us back to our fundamentals in our faith. So it's important that we do establish that solid and firm foundation. Heaven forbid that our roots be shaken and torn apart by the slightest winds of change! I pray that we would all sink our roots deeper and deeper with each on-coming storm and tribulations... that ultimately, nothing can uproot us.

The greatest of these is love

"There is no magic cure for a person in pain. Mainly, such a person needs love, for love instinctively detects what is needed. Jean Vanier, who founded the L’Arche movement for the developmentally disabled, says: “Wounded people who have been broken by suffering and sickness ask for only one thing: a heart that loves and commits itself to them, a heart full of hope for them.”

Such a love may be painful for us. But real love, the apostle Paul reminds us, “Bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things” (1 Cor. 13:7)."

That was an excerpt from ODB today. Many a times when I wonder what is it that I have at all to give another, I will turn back to this verse in the Bible: 1 Corinthians 13.
Here are 2 of the verses:

If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

Haha I guess it's really all I have to give. I'm not very bright - I don't say a lot of very smart things. I ain't talented in any particular area. I'm not the calmest or the most sensitive person around either. Lol.

But I don't see it as a bad thing. Really :)

Just had a short cardio workout on the threadmill this morning. Nice blankness in my head for 20min. Lovely :)

Finding it.

Relief. That's the main feeling I'm having right now after my math test. It turned out easier than I expected. But of course, whether the results reflect that or not, I wouldn't know. Nonetheless I thank God for His providence :)

I'm glad for how things turned out in the end. It was what I needed to know. Sometimes the process...while it's happening... leaves you wishing a lot of things had been different, but then in the end, I suppose it turned out for the best. Ultimately in my direction in life, in the major decisions that I make, with this (embarrassingly) soft heart of mine, I will turn to Him. Always. It would have spared everyone a lot of unnecessary turmoil.

For the past few weeks, school was beginning to become a drag. It grew steadily worse actually. Nothing changed in lessons or anything; it was just merely the feeling I was having. Then I prayed about it this morning. I left the house like half an hour earlier, took my time, and kinda had a 'chat' with God. Some things that I just didn't understand about myself. Then just before the test started, there was this girl who sat down next to me. I didn't know why but I had this weird feeling that I just had to talk to her. About what? I don't know. So I just started off saying "This test is so hard to study for!" Blah blah. Lol. Well, that girl actually asked me how to do certain parts regarding the math chapters... then after that it just struck me.

I wasn't in school for myself.

It all made so much more sense to me now. Always feeling so academically inadequate whenever I started to compare myself to my friends. Everyone always seemed smarter than me somehow. Slowly I started to find my worth more in helping people. A slow realization that academics simply wasn't my purpose in life. But somehow I still felt an increasing sense of 'sianness' in school in these few weeks, even though I knew that I didn't need to put in that much of an effort. In helping that girl today, God helped me see that school was a phase I was going through, not only to better further His purpose for me in future, but also as a help for those around me now. I don't know if I'm making any sense to you but well, I'm at peace now.

Heading off to the school bazaar now~!

God is good. All the time :)

HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE.

Yes I can't stop grinning to myself. I've really had the best birthday everrrrr! Yes even better than my 21st I do believe :)

So much for being the master of surprises. I totally got owned by Weijie :P This whole birthday surprise was really... a SURPRISE!! Thought it was just another normal sunday afternoon studying... but when Weijie sent me home.............. :P the rest is history. :)

He really knew what I wanted. A intimate setting with family and close friends. Not too big a group so we could all chit chat together and stuff without the host having to feel like he/she has to entertain a particular group. Lol. Too bad JY couldn't come...but she sent her love from Switz!

My dad was really epic. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMM....... SENGGGG!!! Yea you get the idea. You should have seen Shu's stunned expression. Priceless.

Best party ever! All my besties and family. All in total cahoots with each other. Sneaky poks. :P
Nicely planned by my dear boy. :)

Even the dinner at hog's breath had another element of surprise. I thought it was just the 2 of us... then suddenly pastor, auntie jane, vinny, jon and daniel's family all popped up! My friend 'niaoed' wj for ruining the romantic setting between the 2 of us when she heard about it. But I don't think it did really. Such occasions are meant to be spent with groups of people close to your heart. Dates can be done anytime after all. Haha I don't need a special occasion to want to go to a nice dinner with my partner now do I? :P

Feeling so happy. Really touched that my friends came despite the heavy workload they had this week! And that Weijie put aside time to plan everything and spend time with me despite the deadlines. I treasure and appreicate that so much. :)

We've all come a long way in our walk with God.

Celebrated my birthday with HFC today. Weijie planned it lol. Wasn't quite expected nor was it unexpected, but still appreciate regardless :) It's always good to spend special times with people who are important to you. I used to be the only Oct baby in the church but Marsha didn't come for dinner today, so it was just me :p

It was quite funny how Shu tried to make me head for our usual haunt after dinner - the Ah Wang tea shop. Since I'm the kind who'd normally wait for the last of the youths, so we'd all head down together, she faked a stomachache. Her acting was so realistic that I actually believed it for a minute... till I thought about it a bit further while going down. You can't hide such 'secrets' from me la. I'm the master of them all. muahahaha ;)

But that doesn't mean I don't like them of course. A little surprise now and then always spices things up.

Well back to work tmr, even though it's sunday. Not work WORK... but working on presentations and studying constitutes as work for now. Lol. Getting quite sick of studying actually, though I do know that the working life isn't as 'relaxed'. But I detest tests and exams! Urgh. I wouldn't mind being the one setting them though... *evil smile :)*

In everything go to the Lord in prayer :)

I guess sometimes you just need friends to take your mind off certain matters that seem overwhelming at that point in time. Friends to make you laugh or just bring out a little smile. It helps you to step back and see things from a bigger perspective, or perhaps just simply help you be a bigger person by not letting such things get to you emotionally.

I'd say I've inherited my father's temper, and my mother's submissiveness. But that's just putting the blame on something else other than myself. More importantly, I've been reborn in Christ! Why should I still let worldly chains drag me down all the time? It's easy to forget. It's easy to even want to not be reminded of God and His salvation, and simply drown myself in misery. But that would make me weak. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me".

I will pray that I will never forget that. Or perhaps have friends around me who will help remind me of such.

On a lighter note, I'm going Chiangmai in Dec! Tickets have been booked and all :) I'm just going to focus on that for now. Nothing else. Just chiang mai and the kids I'll be spending Christmas with. Christian Home of Love or something similiar :P I can't remember the name. Everyone knows I'm dying of old age soon because I'm blind, deaf and my memory's failing. Hee.

It's time I started seeking out what is it that my hearts brings me to do. It never was academics, though I thank God for a good brain for which to start out my early years of life. Now I'm just going through the mechanics in school, doing what's necessary and nothing much more. Knowledge isn't what I pursue, which is probably why I always felt dumber than people around me because they seemed to know more than me. What fulfills me is something much more fundamental, something which we always take for granted. And I pray for God's strength and love to always be with me to carry out this task. It's what I love:)

You know how parents complain their kids don't talk to them enough or tell them about their lives? I would think parents ought to see why their kids don't wanna do that in the first place.

I'm about to give up too.

But I shall continue to pray for God's everlasting love to flow through me. I can't do this without His help man. I really can't.

Beware Of Jumping To Conclusions

The e-mail contained nothing but Bible verses, and it came from someone I didn’t know very well at a time when there was disagreement among members of a church committee I was on. I assumed that the verses were aimed at me in an accusing way, and I was angry that someone who didn’t know all the issues involved would use Scripture to attack me.

Before I could retaliate, my husband, Jay, suggested I give her the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming the worst. “Perhaps there’s an innocent explanation,” he said. I couldn’t imagine what it would be, but I followed his advice and called. “Thank you so much for calling,” she said. “My computer has a virus and it spewed out e-mails using pieces of our Sunday school lesson to random people in my address book.” Gulp. I’m thankful that God used Jay to keep me from creating a problem where none existed.

By jumping to a conclusion that was logical but untrue, I came dangerously close to unnecessary conflict. The Israelites did the same thing. They were ready to go to war because they wrongly assumed that the altar built by their brothers was a sign of rebellion against God (Josh. 22:9-34). To avoid making wrong judgments, we must be careful to get the facts right. — Julie Ackerman Link

When you’re forming your opinions,
Do it carefully—go slow;
Hasty judgments oft are followed
By regretting—that I know. —Anon.

To avoid an embarrassing fall, don’t jump to a wrong conclusion.

Haha yes it was a nice little gentle reminder. But thank God I didn't act upon my emotions. But then, feeling it bubbling within wasn't exactly a very healthy thing either.

The day before, I attended FMC, and the sermon was about conflicts. Heh. I guess God was also then, telling me about what I should be doing instead. *sheepish look*

hahaha blogging mood tonight. Sometimes I wonder if I should feel what I feel. Or if I have a right to feel what I feel. Odd huh. Feelings are personal after all. But one can't help feeling guilty sometimes for feeling a certain way.

I ought to be slping now really. But I just don't FEEL like it. Haha...

Just when you thought...

Another one of those emo nights.

Sometimes things just come to a point when you can't seem to suppress them anymore and the whole weight of the situation just bogs you down. Nothing in life is ever for sure. Even if you thought you knew for sure it was gonna happen. And sometimes you just have to keep pretending things are ok the way they are.

Only God is completely dependable.

Personalities

In my major, there's always this long-time standing issue between the personality psychologists and the social psychologist. Basically the former will claim that everyone's actions is a result of his or her personality while the latter will rebuke that saying that it's the situation that determines one's actions. Well, there have been studies giving evidence to both sides... but of course, the individual authors may argue it more towards what they believe in. There has been sort of like a compromise - that is, there are factors of both personality and situation resulting in what one does in an event.

I would say there's an in between thing in whether a person is more given to personality or situational factors. We've all heard of strong or weak personalities right? Well, they aren't 'strong' or 'weak' in the exact sense, but simply different personalities - whether one is more or less given to react according to how the outside influences dictates him/her to do. But of course, the situational factor can be so overwhelming that it overrides any sense of individuality. Take the holocaust for example, or terrorism, or even in our own streets of Singapore, where the gangsters can turn a meek individual into a mindless bully.

So what's my point? I suppose what I wanna say is that we have to be really careful as to whether we judge another's actions according to his personality or to the situation factor. Because ultimately, we really don't know which is the real influencing factor. Even for people close to you... you really don't know for sure, though of course you would be able to guess better than say a random stranger on the street or an acquaintance.

That's why the Bible tells us not to judge:

Matthew 7:1-2

¹"Do not judge, or you too will be judged. ²For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you.

Only God knows our hearts and our thoughts for sure. So be wise in how we interact with others; let not your own judgements cloud your mind as to how your fellow brother or sister is. Not an easy task, I am sure all of you would realise. We've been brought up in society in such a way that judging someone else comes too naturally.

Look towards Christ for that strength and wisdom to do what is right.

Everything seems to be a test of some sort.

Finally had a chance to sleep in today... though I didn't exactly wake up very late (unless you count 830am as late :p). Nonetheless it felt good not having to adhere to an alarm and get up at 6 to 7am. Yup, that's the time I had to get up at since last fri...so I suppose it was just for a week. Ah well, I can only be thankful that I'm no longer in sec sch or JC. Heh.

Now that work's over for now, I will need to get back in my academic stuff. Not that I have been lagging, but I have been pushing a few things back. My group mates are taking it too easy :P

I'm in a bit of a dilemma now...should I still continue to go for 2 church services a week? That is... my own and the one I attend with my family? I feel like just going for my sat service. I mean, come on, I get more than just a sermon there seriously. Besides, I study better in the morning, so Sunday mornings can be put to academic use. But... it kinda feels wrong to make studying a priority above God. I know I already attend my sat service... but it doesn't feel right missing church with my family either. So typically my weekends usually aren't very good for studying. Do I have enough discipline to cram all my studying hours in the weekdays?

I know I should ask for His strength to bring me through, that I may find the wisdom and ability to cope with my work and other worldly concerns without having to compromise on my time spent with God. But it's easy to use human reasoning and logic to see things...I have to remind myself to play control in God's hands and not try to futilely wrestle it from Him.

On another note, I just submitted an application for a research assistant position at the Applied Cognitive Developmental Lab in NIE. It was something that came in through my NUS email. I think it was disseminated to all the psych students in NUS. It seems pretty good, though I've yet to receive a reply pertaining to what the research is about. Hope I can get it, and would still be able to cope with my other commitments on top of it.

God is Good :)

Ok, I read the daily bread a day late... but I guess God always provide his Freshness in ways and times when we most need it :)

******

When the work of earning a living, raising a family, maintaining health and fitness, and managing relationships starts to overwhelm us, it’s good to think about how small our part in the universe really is. While we obsess over our work, God quietly does His. He keeps the earth rotating, the planets revolving, and the seasons changing. Without any help from us, He makes the sun rise every morning and set every evening. Every night He changes the pattern of lights in the sky. He turns out the light so we can sleep, and turns it on again so we can see to work and play. Without lifting a finger, we get to enjoy sunrises and sunsets. Every year the seasons change on schedule. We don’t need to pray about it or tell God that it’s time to send spring. All that He does reminds us He is good (Acts 14:17).

Life will at times be difficult, often it is painful, and for now it is imperfect. But still it is good, for in all these things nothing can separate us from God’s lavish expressions of love (Rom. 8:39). — Julie Ackerman Link

Thank You, loving Father, for the good gift of life. Forgive me for making it complicated for myself and others. I thank You and praise You for all You do so that I can enjoy so much. Amen.

*******
The above is from the Daily Bread on 5 Sept. I guess sometimes we just get so bogged down by work and studies (at least for me) that we forget that while it is not unimportant, they are not things that we need to worry over so much about. Moreover God has given us so many other things to be grateful that we take them for granted... cause they are simply 'too normal'. Do we wait for the day that such 'normal things' aren't normal anymore for us to take notice of them? Why work yourself to death, lose sleep over worrying too much, and waste your health on things that God would only be too glad to help you with if only you'd ask?

But humans always like control. Come on, it's even psychologically proven. We are so afraid of what we can't control because we don't know what just might happen. At least if you try to control it, it wouldn't seem so bad when it doesn't turn out the way we want it to.

That's why we need to keep reading His word, keeping our quiet times with Him and spending time with fellow brothers and sisters in Christ... to remind each other of His promise to us :)

Urgh... I still can't seem to recover properly. It's been 2 weeks and I still feel a bit flu-ish. Though thankfully without the fever. Nonetheless, it's still a constant chore having to cough and blow your nose all the time. Sigh. Doesn't help that I'm gonna be working this coming week. With groups of little people whose body resistance isn't very high... hmmm...

I feel like I should be studying now. But I gonna be heading out to meet some of my old WOW gang later...dunno if I should though. I guess I should be resting or studying :P

Getting old. My body's no longer keeping up with the constant flow of activities I have in my life.

Whoa.

Had a dream. One that included my sister in it. I remember she was in the hospital bed. Supposedly in a ward thats similar to A&E but much less urgent. Or something like that. As my family members were around her, I suddenly had this sorta vision-like thing that she was singing this song. I remember it had a really nice tune... though I can't for the life of me recall for it was. But I do remember two lines of the song:

"God is always here.
He is always with me."

I might have paraphrased it or something but the gist is there. Didn't write it down the moment I woke up so I kinda forgot a little. I woke up crying... pillow all wet :P

Whoa.

Man it sucks to be sick. Stuck at home... while I guess some people may see that as a blessing, I like to have a choice as to whether I want to stay home or not. Lol. Besides, this state isn't exactly the most conducive one for studying either. Or maybe I'm just lazy :P

And all the herbal teas that I have to drink. O M G. Ewwww. Guess I shouldn't complain. At least I have someone who bothers to make them for me. But...bleah. It's hardly palatable! At least to me anyway. Heh

Well at least my boy came over to give me fish soup. Hee so sweet of him. Don't think I'm all that contagious anymore... so hopefully I haven't passed anything to him. Lol.

Urgh I hate my sorethroat. How is that supposed to give me a better appetite mans. Maybe after I'm better I'll head straight for all the most fattening foods ever :P

And the gym too! Urgh, I missed all my gym sessions. How depressing :(

God speaks

Psalm 51:1-12

1 Have mercy on me, O God,
according to your unfailing love;
according to your great compassion
blot out my transgressions.

2 Wash away all my iniquity
and cleanse me from my sin.

3 For I know my transgressions,
and my sin is always before me.

4 Against you, you only, have I sinned
and done what is evil in your sight,
so that you are proved right when you speak
and justified when you judge.

5 Surely I was sinful at birth,
sinful from the time my mother conceived me.

6 Surely you desire truth in the inner parts;
you teach me wisdom in the inmost place.

7 Cleanse me with hyssop, and I will be clean;
wash me, and I will be whiter than snow.

8 Let me hear joy and gladness;
let the bones you have crushed rejoice.

9 Hide your face from my sins
and blot out all my iniquity.

10 Create in me a pure heart, O God,
and renew a steadfast spirit within me.

11 Do not cast me from your presence
or take your Holy Spirit from me.

12 Restore to me the joy of your salvation
and grant me a willing spirit, to sustain me.


God never fails to lift you up again when you fall, when you reach out to Him for a helping hand. Today's daily bread really spoke to me. I guess it was something that I pushed to the back of my mind... to ignore it, because not doing so would give me an intense burden in my heart. But you can't hide anything from Him. He hears your pleas regardless of whether you dare to direct it to Him or not.

I thank the Lord for His endless mercy and forgiveness.

It is indeed in human nature to sin. No one taught the little boy to lie, but he could naturally lie to his parents that he didn't take the last chocolate chip cookie when he in fact, did. Just an example of course, but I'm sure many of you can think of many real life scenarios. Further evidence against the idea of behaviourism isn't it? Even when a child's theory of mind isn't fully developed, he/she can already start to lie or pretend...basically things that no sane parent would have taught him/her to do. And I emphasize that it's a natural thing to do. Of course you hear and perhaps have seen little kids doing good and kind things to another, but I would think these acts are usually taught to them via good moral upbringing or seeing how people in their social environment do it.

Evolutionary theory would tell you that everyone is born with the natural instinct to survive and pass on one's own genes above anything else. That would mean one is naturally selfish right? To love only yourself, not to love another as yourself, would technically be a sin as well.

Haha. Without God's grace and salvation, we're all going to the pits man. It's so hard to be good all the time. Impossible with our own strength. Only with God's love flowing through you, can you reach out to others in the most perfect kind of love, regardless of who, what, where and how.

What happened man... this is supposed to be a slack semester for me. And it's getting busier and busier. Lol. Academics is fine. Work is fine too. But I guess it's just everything else that's coming in. Too many commitments. I guess you can say I have a choice not to commit to them... but my response would be that it's just not in my character not to commit to these things... that is, if you know what they are.

It's only the second week of school, and I'm already feeling tired. Urgh.

On another note, G.I Joe is good :) Enjoyed it immensely. Caught it today with my parents... one of those last minute things. Happens when there isn't a 'game' on. And just so happens I was able to fit it into my schedule. Thankfully. I mean, there's only so many times I can tell them I'm busy before they start feeling like I'm not giving them priority in my life. Telling them that I've honestly have got something else on since my schedule is almost constantly packed, is quite futile... cause while they can understand it rationally and intellectually... emotionally, they'll still feel put out anyway. So I try my best to avoid that. So yes, I've gone ahead to enjoy a good movie as much as I can, while mentally re-sorting the mugging schedule over the next few days. Yee-Haw.

Ok. I shall go sleep now. Up early to get some work done before gym. It's gonna be a long day.

I like the final outcome of my new layout. Guess it was time for a change anyway. Though the old background was quite enchanting...the theme didn't quite suit my current state of being right now. So therefore.... :P

Had a really good time at church and the dinner after, despite the 'suaning' and all that. I guess I just have to get used to the latter don't I? There must be something on my face that says "Bully me please". Haha. Even Samuel had a few digs at me. Urgh. Killed by a 12-year-old.

Didn't quite rush to the gig in time. Caught like the last 30 seconds of the last song. Oops. Well at least I got to see my friends again. I so have to catch up with Putra soon. Really missed him a lot mans. And we aren't even taking any modules together! Not with WH either for that matter. All my old module buddies. All part of moving up the years in NUS.

Speaking of which... it really feels a little odd knowing that I'm older than the freshmen this year... even the guys. Gosh. The younglings. Can't imagine how Alvin must feel being an OGL/councillor for the camps. I'm getting old. Haha.

Heading to the gym later with Xintian. Heh looking forward to it. Finally having a kaki with me will be good fun :)

Really enjoyed the last bit yesterday before heading home. It's like just for a few minutes, I didn't hear anyone else, I didn't see anything else... it was just us and God. Felt like liquid warmth :)

Saw YS and D yesterday. D was right behind YS. Don't think I didn't see the irony. Lol.

Whole upper body's aching from kickboxing class. Urgh... can't believe how weak I've let myself become.

First week of school's finally passed. It's gonna be an interesting semester. Not doing any modules with WH at all... but I suppose it's not something I haven't done before. Starting to get back into school mode already. Read a few pages of my new text just now...quite a killer...Lol. Mugger mode initiated. :P

I need a regular study buddy. Who's willing?

something different

Haha I just felt like changing my template. But I couldn't resist keeping the background. Really love it. But I will make a few changes.... I think. The combination just looks weird now. Heh. Now it's time to prepare to head out!

Just had my 8am lecture. Guess what? Webcast! Heh. No more waking up at 6 plus am unless I wanna do an early morning run... yeah rite :P

In any case, my prof is super cute. Not the usual lingo of how girls describe good looking boys these days but more of the cartoon type of cute. Lol. He seems so passionate about math. Yes Math. All the 'imagination' and 'creativity' of it. Goodness gracious. Heh. But his passion is pretty cute I must admit. And the way he describes it simply makes you want to shake your head and grin nonetheless. Oh, and I know he's a christian. Here's why:

"There's so much I want to share with you. But maybe not in this life. There is no time! But then I believe in eternal life because I'm a Christian. But I respect all your other beliefs! But now there is no time. (I'm serious about the 'Buts')"

"Math is like language. So generous. Like our Creator. So generous with us. Language doesn't push us to know it, just like our Creator wouldn't push us to know Him, but He still gives us so much!"

Much has been paraphrased... but you get the gist. It's just too funny. But you know what... I think I might just enjoy this module after all :)

leaving.

Jo's left for US today. Gonna miss her a lot. All her rubbish-ness and bhb-ness... haha, it's all simply one of a kind. She's just the sort of person who stands out no matter which environment she's in. It's just hard not to like her manx. Many taps just kinda burst its faucets today. Heh.

Hmmm. Managed to do quite a few surveys today. 8 in total. Though I guess I felt quite bad disturbing those at dinner today. Kinda disruptive holding a pen in your right and your cutlery in your left if you ask me. But a girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do. Lol. Actually I wouldn't have asked at dinner if pastor hadn't nudged me to ask. Heh my skin not thick enough to disturb people at dinner :P

Something doesn't feel quite right about it. Perhaps I shouldn't dwell on it.

Bored at work on a Saturday morning. But I shouldn't complain. It's good pay after all. And the money does help. Every little bit does. Especially since the end of my university life is coming. A year more. And we all know what that means :)

Looking forward to the dinner on Monday. It's been a really long time. I do pray that everything does go well. I do miss having such outings with the old group. It's all been good and fun before. All the bitching and suaning too. Even if the later was directed at me. Lol. Amicable personality what can I say? :P:P:P

5 months today! Doesn't sound very long actually. But it does feel quite so. It hasn't been all sugar and honey, but then, even the loveliest roses have thorns :)

I've asked myself this question before and I was just thinking about it again: isn't it better to portray a certain image to your friends that makes them not expect wonderful things from you, and consequently let them be pleasantly surprised now and then, than to be the best that you can be normally, and make them disappointed every now and then?

Urgh.

Anyway, I've just signed up for California Fitness. Heh. Yea it's kinda expensive I suppose, at least it's more than I would usually spend for myself, but hey I think I've earned my own right to splurge on myself if I want to. At least I'm not using my parents' money. I wouldn't think much of people who splurge with their parents' money actually. Keyword: splurge. Oh well. But in any case, I've really enjoyed my first training session there today. I've missed gyming. Give myself 'me' time. Running and gyming used to be my self-reflection times. Haven't done those since year 1? Year 2 was pretty minimal... and in year 3 I stopped altogether. Lol. Except for a couple of those 10km or 5km runs here and there. Slacker kind lol.

Glad I've decided to stop procrastinating and just go ahead with doing something I want to do for myself for once. I don't mean those little indulges such as spending a little more on a meal craving or something, but more of those bigger items kind. Like how some girls may save ages to buy that Prada or Gucci bag. You and I may not think it's worthed it, but hey, if it's their money, and if it's something they really want and have thought about it carefully, who are we to judge them?

Here I am again... slacking in front of the computer at midnight. Lol. Oh well, I'm just doing this while I still can. School will be starting in 3 weeks after all.

Bringing out that card again brought back a few memories. I guess good memories are always nice to keep. There's really just one thing that I really miss out of the whole 'experience'. I can't find a better word for it. But oh well, perhaps in time to come again...

Ooh and I started on this game called Dragonica. Lol. Since I've stopped playing Wow... I needed to find something to occupy my time with anyway. So it's just as well. When school starts, I doubt I'll be playing much. Just 3 more weekkkkkkkkkksssss!!

I'm in school conducting experiments again.... at 8.40am in the morning! Well, I'm early anyway - the first session starts only at 9am. A pretty long day today though. Not that I'm complaining. I'm not the sort to like idling my time away too much. I'll get bored to no end!

Gonna be continuing my brain scans in the afternoon. Nick Hon wants 8 more participants. So far I managed to get all 8 already... well, who wouldn't want it really. It's got a 50 bucks incentive! I'd have done it myself if I wasn't one of the researchers! Shucks :P

Wj is in reservist now. Well it's only been less than a week but I miss him already. Urgh the mushiness :P

Gonna be heading on a cruise trip with my mum and her friend on the first week of Aug, just before school starts. Quite keen on it actually, though it'll probably not be as fun as when I go with my gal friends... but in any case, it's still a holiday. And going with mum means no need pay anything :P:P:P

Hua asked if I wanted to go Phnom Penh with her, Brent and Sally. Hmmm.. Quite tempting. But it'll be an approximate 400 dollar budget. Don't know if I should go for it or split my SEA backpacking trip into dec and next summer since I prolly can't cover all in one shot. There's still my Aussie/NZ trip to contend with. I hope Xintian will still have the funds for that trip. As for me, I'll try my best to do more part time now.. and hopefully continue with it during the semester. Thank God I have my MOE allowance to cushion me, and also for the fact that I need not work so hard this coming year since my CAP is more or less stable now :)

Just a month of holidays left. I'm not too sure I'm looking forward to the school term as much as I did last year. Oh well, maybe because I haven't felt like I really did anything this holidays. At least something I really wanna do anyway. Can't for the life of me recall what I did last summer though. LOL.

Ok... experiments starting soon...

Mission Accomplished!

Finally all the planning and preparation have paid off! Such an awesome bbq birthday celebration for Gerry, Jon and Weijie yesterday. :) The past few days have been exceptionally crazy... busy buying stuff and marinating... omg. Thank God I had Alvin to help me out with buying the stuff. Guess I did most of the marination on Friday night... but the help from Alvin, Xintian and Gina on Saturday was such a godsend too! And I arrived in the NICK of time to church on Saturday. Heh.

It started out as a crazily hot day... but at least dry for BBQ rite? Then just when everyone was setting everything up (while I went to fetch Jon from the train station. All the bday boys were in my car), it started to drizzle! And it evolved into a shower. Omg! I think all of us were praying fervent prayers in our hearts. Heh. But guess what? The rain was indeed a blessing from God! He cooled down the blazing hot day into a windy and chilly night for us! Like what part of Ecclesiastes 3:11 says: He has made everything beautiful in its time....

Can you imagine such an awesome weather in conjunction with the heat of the BBQ? One of the most enjoyable BBQs ever!

I guess I so wanted everything to be a success that I became too keen on my own plans, hard work and strength. Then the sudden fever that Jon had and the rain just before the BBQ seemed like a reminder from God that He was still in control, and my own plans wouldn't work if it wasn't in His plan. But God is ever gracious and loving! He made everything wonderful... :)

Gonna have to plan Jingyun's bday next. So shag. Kena arrowed by her to organise her 21st bday dinner... though she insists it's just a cousin gathering... coz she wants to remain 18 for the 3rd year... LOL. :P

Another disney moment

Not that it fits my life now or anything. Lol. But an emo song never fails to grab my attention. Conditioned :P

Feeling quite bored at home. Just I guess I'm just catching up on 'admin' matters. Haha...

Life's quite short.

Hmmm. Just found out some bad news regarding my aunt. She got diagnosed with cancer in her ovaries. I don't know if she knows about it. My uncle refused to tell me... so I actually found out about it from the maid. Sometimes life just springs little nasty surprises on you doesn't it?

Anyway...I'm feeling super super sian right now. Like super sian. My bro went night cycling with his gf so he wouldn't be going church with my parents tmr... which would mean that I can't skip it to go for the youth sports and games tmr. I feel like swearing man. I thought my bro would go for church since he didn't go for His Family service today... but haha..........................

I can't don't go since I think it would discourage my dad from canceling his golf games in future to go to church. And it's Fathers' Day tmr... there's bound to be something in the sermon that pinpoints the relationship between the kids and the parents. It's gonna be quite a void if neither my brother nor I turn up.

So haha beck...suck it up!

Weird dream just before I woke up. Dreamt that I was at the soon-to-be coming guild chalet. Just a short 5 to 10 sec clip of it... Lol, I've just likened the dream to a movie. Nonetheless it's enough to define the whole scene as just plain odd.

I'm at varsity now actually. Waiting for xintian to come over so we can go swimming. Hoping the sun stays bright and sunny so I can tan a bit! :D

A little love :)

Just a little love...childhood fairy tale love. Lol. :)

Feeling a need to blog. Just having a random sian feeling within me. I don't understand it... not really, so don't ask me about it. Haha. Maybe just typing random stuff out will help. And we all know that random stuff aren't always very random. They usually have a certain basis to it. Hah.

Just met up with Surath, Nips and Patrice last night. Haven't hung out with Surath and Nips for eons. Since CNY to be specific, when they came over to my place. But mostly I miss hanging out with them at KR rooftop just relaxing, chilling and singing, and sometimes drinking. Heh. Those were good times. Seemed like such a long time ago really. I remember Surath always stocking up on some of my fav snacks to munch on when we came over. Having such a nostalgic moment now. His parents are coming over next month. Haha told him to inform me when they do. His parents are such cute people - fun and loving, very easy to talk to. Their love story is probably the most romantic love drama ever I tell you. Lol.

Nips reminded me last time when he was sick, I actually brought fish soup and hot honeyed water to his room (when we were both staying in the same block in hall). Lol. I seriously can't remember doing that:P I guess such things come naturally if it's someone I care for - friend or family alike. But of course there are some things that I do that I never forget...

It's nice to care for someone. At least for me it is. And it's nice to surprise people too. Pleasant surprises of course. It's a very happy feeling to be able to do that for someone.. regardless of how tired it may be. Hahaha but that's just me of course. Heh.

"The child who deserves love the least, needs it the most."

I don't know where I first heard that statement from. But it's apt in all aspects of life. Naive point of view? Perhaps. Does it apply to even the most cruel murderer? Of course it does. He deserves it the least to us... but he needs it the most because he lacks it.

Love thy enemy, for if one only loves thy brother, do not even the pagans do the same? What more is there to be gained in just loving someone who loves you?

I paraphrased the above statement from somewhere in the bible. Can't recall the exact verse, but I've got the gist of the meaning down. I'd admit that it does take a conscious effort to love someone who doesn't love you. Perhaps you may think me a fool for seeing things that way. But He has provided me with so much love that I can't help but let it flow through me.

Some things are actually a lot simpler than people make them out to be. But it's ok, that is, how people see things in the world... because there are yet things they do not see.


Once I was lost, but now I'm found...

It's been a week since I last blogged. Was feeling particularly lazy and didn't feel like doing anything... so I just FB surfed a bit. And came across some old stuff. Not too distant past though. A lot of old emotions and feelings aroused. Nostalgia mostly.

And like I said to someone: Times change, and people move on. I guess God wants us all to learn something from this... and to grow...
Though we all seek comfort in our Father... we are after all still human and we still have very human emotions. But nonetheless thank God we have Him to lean on. :)



"You make all things beautiful...in Your time..."

Everyone makes mistakes in life. No one's perfect after all.
We all need some forgiveness now and then. What's it gonna take?

Back from penang!

I've just had a FABULOUS trip in penang! It's too long and too awesome trip to put it down in mere words in my blog so wait out for my pictures soon in facebook! :)

I guess one of the reasons I really enjoyed the trip was also because it was a trip away from reality as well. I needed it. So many things have happened this semester... a lot of which weren't too good. Reality bites you hard sometimes.

We were both young when I first saw you
I close my eyes
And the flashback starts
I'm standing there
On a balcony in summer air

See the lights
See the party, the ball gowns
I see you make your way through the crowd
And say hello, little did I know

That you were Romeo, you were throwing pebbles
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
And I was crying on the staircase
Begging you please don't go, and I said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

So I sneak out to the garden to see you
We keep quiet 'cause we're dead if they knew
So close your eyes
Escape this town for a little while

'Cause you were Romeo, I was a scarlet letter
And my daddy said stay away from Juliet
But you were everything to me
I was begging you please don't go and I said

Romeo take me somewhere we can be alone
I'll be waiting all there's left to do is run
You'll be the prince and I'll be the princess
It's a love story baby just say yes

Romeo save me, they try to tell me how to feel
This love is difficult, but it's real
Don't be afraid, we'll make it out of this mess
It's a love story baby just say yes
Oh oh

I got tired of waiting
Wondering if you were ever coming around
My faith in you is fading
When I met you on the outskirts of town, and I said

Romeo save me I've been feeling so alone
I keep waiting for you but you never come
Is this in my head? I don't know what to think
He knelt to the ground and pulled out a ring

And said, marry me Juliet
You'll never have to be alone
I love you and that's all I really know
I talked to your dad, go pick out a white dress
It's a love story baby just say yes

Oh, oh, oh, oh
'Cause we were both young when I first saw you

Omg last night I went for free drinks with the girls at Clark Quay. I so feel like dying mans. No I'm not hungover. Never was and never will be. After drinks, the girls wanted to continue on with Mambo at Zouk. Obviously I refused to go (I hate zouk. I hate mambo. I hate clubbing. No matter how high I am). So ya...

But I was nonetheless still very high. My mum was playing mj at home and I was all whoopee doo and stuff. I think they all thought I was siao. Lol. I think when I called Wj, he also thought he was talking to some little kid. I can hardly remember what I said to him mans.

After the high part faded, around 12ish, I suddenly felt like puking. Omg. Never happened before given how relatively little I've drunk. So anyway... bleah everything out in the toilet bowl. Apparently once wasn't enough though. Haha...

I remember going online to Wow. Then the whole puking thing started...so I decided to switch it off again...can't really remember if I said anything to the guys inside. Heh. I blacked out at my com from around 1 to 2am...because I really couldn't remember why in the world I was still sitting at the com when I smsed wj to say I was gonna sleep. (In fact I couldn't even remember smsing him till I read my own sent msges folder. GG.)

So in conclusion, I'm SO not going to drink for quite some time. Maybe just a casual drink each time there's some socialization thing. Espescially NOT tequila shots. *puke*

Exams are overrrrrrrrrr!! Hahahaha. This is utter freedom mans. Well at least till I begin my part time as an RA again. But still... it's flexible enough to still be able to do my own thing. :)

Going to penang in a few more days~ I really can't wait! Gonna be going with some guildies plus xintian, jingyun and rachel~ awesome people to travel with. And this is the first time I'll be travelling with my bestie~!! Hahahaha... ok except for Shanghai last time. But that was almost 7 years ago! Heh. I was a toot little tomboy then. Hmmm...

With such freedom comes with...the ability to raid again! Heh. I'm really looking forward to it. WOW withdrawal symptoms man. :p Stupid Zf's been taunting me. TSKTSK. Some GRADUATES are just too free. Heh.

One more year of studying and then it's off to work for me too. Ok not really working yet since I'll be going NIE... though I'll still be taking classes in the second half of it.

oops. gotta go see my prof now. tata~

The fat lady strikes again

No I got nothing against fat people. Really. It's just this particular one that I've got to bitch about before I start mugging. Heh.

Last night I reached home and there wasn't any dinner left. Apparently my mum misheard me and thought I wasn't coming home for dinner. But that's not the point... usually there'd be leftovers I can eat, even if there are mahjong people around staying for dinner.

But the fat lady was there.

I shan't dignify her with a name. I really don't like her much and she has this nasty habit of eating everything she can get her hands on. So since she was there last night, she must have eaten whatever's left of dinner. According to my dad she had twice as much as anyone else... and all the other mahjong players were MALE. I have learned to keep my goodies in my room should I have bought any...though I haven't been buying any either. No snack cravings these few months.

Anyway all I had for dinner last night was a chicken drumlet and 3 seeds of durian. Awesome huh? No matter. I wasn't all that hungry anyway. But since my appetite sucks so badly, I ought to at least be eating something ... more balanced. Can't find a better word for it. Weight's dropping again, and like what an old friend used to tell me: I'm disappearing.

What would it be like to fade into oblivion? Hmmm...

Haha I'm beginning to love Sara Evans :)

=)



This version is very nice too. I like the video :P

The days are getting brighter

2 papers down, 3 to go. It seems like a long enough process, but then, I'm not exactly dreading it that much. Not anymore.

Headed down to Golden mile to collect the coach tickets for the 3 girls leaving earlier from Penang, and we also changed a few hundred RM too. Think we each got about 500 rm. Think it should be enough for 5 days. It's like 40 sg dollars a day. Not too bad. I'm looking forward to the good food there :) Yes yes, I know my appetite sucks. Perhaps in Penang it will pick up. But then, I can't really complain about the lack of an appetite now...at least it will ensure more confidence in wearing my swimsuit at the beach resort. Heh.

I think I've mentioned this before, but I must mention it again. I CANT WAIT FOR THE SEMESTER TO BE OVER. Haha. Just 5 more days. There's so many things I've planned to do. Not to mention there's still remnants of my research work under my prof left.

Well, on another note, I think I'm beginning to let go of my fear. Letting the walls crumble a bit. Perhaps it's right this time round. Though there's still some dark areas, but well, the days are getting brighter. :)

I'm feeling the need to blog before I head to bed. (Yes I know it's only 1020pm but I intend to wake up at 4am to study LOL) Just had my first paper today... not too bad really, though I almost blanked out at first. I was staring at the question for like 5min.. "To what extent can automatic processes be controlled?" Er... I seemed to have forgotten the whole chapter on that! Said a quick prayer: "Lord, You have got to help me out here. I've cleanly forgotten everything!" So I decided to just write... as opposed to the rather detailed outline I'd normally do. Well, it all came out pretty smoothly... talk about God's automatic processes man! :D

Another good thing to look forward to today was... church! Oh man... seriously I was sooo looking forward to this day for the whole week. There's just something about His Family that makes me feel so refreshed and joyful somehow. Regardless of the stress of the exams, I just feel at peace when I'm there. Somehow I feel that God's around me, always waiting for me to call out to Him for the comfort and strength I need if only I'd ask.

I was just talking to WJ about the 5 languages of love last night. Basically discussing what it was and how each of us ranked it. Mine's physical touch/quality time/acts of service/words of affirmation/gifts. Haha. It was after much deliberation. I guess touch is very impt to me, which probably explains why I always hug my parents, brother and friends... leaning my head on my friends' shoulders etc. I realise I always feel very sad if I don't get at least a hug a day or something lol. Not the really depressed state but more of a subtle down mood... lol. This book I read said something about physical touch as a primary love language, that is, if say a teen's primary love language is that, but due to his age he refuses to get hugs and kisses from his parents, he will not feel loved if his parents stop giving him touches totally. Touch need not come in the form of hugs or kisses, but perhaps something to suit his age, like a pat on the back or a little wrestle or something. Lol. Quite interesting to me. Of course, quality time is a very close follow up for me.

In any case, in lacking the first few ranks of the love languages, the others that u have to make do with would have to work extra hard to make one feel loved since the ranking is lower. However, according to Gary Chapman, the primary love language is still the most impt. Lacking it extensively is bound to make the person feel unloved, regardless of how much of the others are given. It's like how parents give gifts to make up for quality time spent with the child... but most children at that age don't NEED gifts... it's the time or touch that's usually the primary love language.

I miss my bro man. I miss getting to hug him at least one loooong time during each weekend, his girlfriend aside :P But oh well, he's coming back this week :) On the night of my second paper, which is also my most hated paper. So that's 2 things to look forward to. Haha :)

Ok time to sleep. QT before bed ^.^

Control

Another short update based on what I'm studying:

Controlling your emotional responses lowers your:
- Persistence in motor tasks
- Physical Stamina
- Memory
- IQ
- Social Skills

Lol. I like psych.

Some gospel songs.

You were There

Mighty to Save




When the Tears Fall

About 45 more pages of this IT1003 text before I go back to my social cognition module. Should be done in 2 hours max. The funny thing is my whole text is about a quarter that of alvin's whole text... or was it less? Heh.

Sometimes you can't peace from anyone, or anywhere, or even anything... except through prayer and the word of God. I think He places circumstances like this to draw us closer to Him. I don't know how else I can hold myself together otherwise. Without Him, I am nothing.

This is gonna be my only outlet for now. Everyone tells me it will be ok soon. I guess it will. I hope it will. For now I will try my very best to suppress and numb it. I will try. Whether it's good enough I don't know.

Sometimes it just sucks to want to please your parents. When what you want to do is entirely different...

Time will tell...time will tell...time will just screw me up.

Ok I'm just wasting 15min at my lab till I have to go see my prof. Left all my notes at the lib... so I might as well fulfil my internet craving while I'm at it right?

Been trying to keep myself busy. And surrounded by people and/or friends. Otherwise I doubt I can study much. Everything is so far in good timing... I think. At least I'm not panicking yet.

It's been a really really draining semester, for more reasons than one.

Sometimes it takes a lot more effort to control. When it's that situation, the only reason stopping me is the reason why I wanted to do it. Complicated huh?

Oh well.

Just had breakfast with Xintian and Rachel today. A nice little catch-up session with my gal pals. Made me think a little too. Haha.

Self Esteem

Haha I seem to be bored of studying very fast. Nonetheless since I'm blogging about a psych finding I just read, it's kinda like revision isn't it? :)

I just read up this bit on self esteem. I guess it may seem a little common sensical for some, yet I think many of us tend to forget it in our daily lives as well. Let me just talk about this study to illustrate my point.

Murray et al found that when their relationship is threatened, people with high self-esteem will rely on their belief of their partner's positive regard for them to boost their self esteem and diminish the threat. However, people with low self-esteem will then see the relationship as an added threat to their self-esteem and will thus start to devalue the relationship, that is, giving less importance to it so whatever happens in the relationship would not affect them as much. Note that this is IRREGARDLESS of their partner's true feelings for them. And the threat wasn't even all that big; the experimenters merely ask the participants to recall some bad encounters in their relationships. Also for the low self-esteem participants, even a boost to their self-esteem showed a decrease in the value they place in their relationships, because they will be reminded (in their own belief anyway) that they are only valued for those certain attributes in which their SE was boosted from.

Haha seems quite a dreary end for those with low SE don't you think? Lol. I don't know how some of you may view this but I think based on that experiment, I have a low self-esteem...which I really believe I do have. Heh. Oops.

Waiting

Waiting. We all do that at some point in time in our lives don't we? Whether waiting for a friend at the bus stop, waiting for a response from a job interview, or waiting for the right person to come along in your life.I guess the most telling thing about ourselves is our how we wait. Do we go about it with frustration or patience, with serenity or anxiety? How we wait determines how long we wait, and also how worthwhile the wait is...

I just made a comment to a friend who is just in this period of..shall we say, transitioning from a frustrated wait to a more serene one. For her, it's a wait of greater importance, nothing so trivial as waiting for a friend at a specified appointed timing of course. Let us take the analogy of a timetable: I believe life is like a timetable...we go through different subjects and modules before we reach the prize, which is the end of school. Throughout the day, we could have subjects and modules which we dislike, which bore us, which frustrate us... and those we enjoy and love.

How do you go about dealing with modules you dislike? Accept it with the responsibility that you can still learn something from it, and that skiving through it may have dire consequences? Or choosing not to care simply because it's not in your interest, or that you hate the teacher with a passion? Perhaps we could have a major test in the day. It tests our perseverance. It could be very tricky. It could challenge all that we've ever learned or believed in. How do you then prepare yourself for such a test? After going through it, be it a good or bad feeling, how do you cope with that feeling? If you've done well, good for you! Time to apply that lesson in other context, because you know what you've done in the module is of worth. Don't let that lesson merely stay within that subject, or that encounter... it would be no consequential use otherwise. But if you've failed... don't despair! You still would have learned something from it. Will you pick yourself up and learn from your mistake... or let yourself slide down further? Of course it would be easier said than done. But the point remains that it's all a matter of mentality.

Do we control the situation we take or let it control us? We may not be able to choose the modules/subjects we take, but we sure can choose how we react to it, and the way in which we go through it.

Much of life is tough. I never said it wasn't. But... thank God He found a way to reach back to me again. I cannot imagine the mistakes I would have made otherwise, whether in handling my choices, or even making the correct decisions in the first place. I'm not saying I don't make them now, but it's with an added strength and wisdom from God that I now approach matters in life. That I now know I'll never be alone.

Grace by Silers Bald

My heart is so proud.
My eyes are so unfocused.
I see the things You've done through me
As great things I have done.
And now You gently break me.
I cry just like a baby.
You hold me as my Father,
And mold me as my Maker.

Chorus:
And I ask You
How many times will You pick me up.
When I keep on letting You down?
And each time I will fall short of Your glory,
How far will forgiveness abound?
And You answer, "My child, I love you,
And as long as you're seeking My face,
You'll walk in the power of My daily sufficient, grace."

At times I may grow weak.
And feel a bit discouraged.
Knowing that someone somewhere
Can do a better job.
For who am I to serve You?
I know, I don't deserve You.
But that's the part, that burns in my heart,
And keeps me hanging on.

(Chorus)

And You are so patient with me, Lord.

As I walk with You, I'm learning
About what Your grace really means.
How all of my transgressions
Were paid at Calvary.
So instead of trying to repay You,
I'm learning to simply obey You.
By giving up my life to You
For all that You've given to me.

(Chorus)

"My daily sufficient grace."

Sometimes things don't happen the way you want them to.

Sometimes no matter how painful a choice is, you have to make it anyway.

Sometimes we make a wrong initial choice, and have to correct it the hard way.

But in the end, always, we trust God in His direction. Because no matter how painful, how hard, how obscure the reason may be... it's all for our good.

I can't help it. It's such a human aspect of mine. A little chat last night brought it all surfacing up again. Big time.

Then I saw a response on my facebook. It helps...but I still can't forget.

What can I do to stop thinking this way? Definitely it can't be achieved by my own strength alone...

Best of Friends

Sometimes friends have to leave
It's sad but true
But this I do believe
They stay a part of you

And if you go away
To live some other place
I will think of you each day
And see your smiling face

And I will always be your friend
No matter where you are
Just around the bend
Or very very far

Wherever you may go
When you reach your journey's end
No matter what
I'll always be your friend

I will always be your friend
Although we're far apart
I'll see you in my dreams
And feel you in my heart

And though the years may fly
I know we'll meet again
And when we do
I still will be your friend

I'll always be your truest friend...

My bro lost his hp...again. It's a pretty new phone too. I think he only just got it from my mum about a week back or 2 at most. Apparently it slipped out of his pocket, and the person who picked it up already switched it off when they tried to call.

It's not that I don't empathize but he's blaming everyone/thing but himself. Or perhaps he's so annoyed at himself that he's taking it out on everyone else. Either way, the effect is the same. First he blames the pants for having lousy pockets, then he's annoyed with my mum for saying things like "Again? Why you drop..how you drop..?" Haha it's like he's seeking sympathy. My only response was "oh well, I guess it's time to get a new phone lo." Neutral. Because I'm used to dealing with him. Lol. I refuse to give him sympathy like I used to...as if he'll get that next time in work etc? Who can he blame but himself for losing the phone? Oh well. In any case, he got enough sympathy from Linda anyways.

I cannot imagine having a boyfriend like that. I mean, I love my bro and all really. He's sweet and stuff usually, but he's got a temper problem. Like my dad. Both are quite bull-headed about their own opinions. Many times I've got to watch what I say for fear of having that temper turn on me (which it has happened many times btw lol). Come on, I don't want to have to watch what I say with the someone I love. As in, situations like conflict resolutions or in cases like my bro's. I mean, you can whine and complain a bit and stuff, but blaming others to the point that it seems like it's their fault? I don't want to have to suck thumb with my boyfriend like I do with my bro and my dad sometimes - swallow up your own opinions for the sake of all present, even if it's just a good feedback or observation. I can't deny I have a temper of my own, but I think I've learned to deal with it for the most part.

This reminds me of a psych theory - people will indulge in downward displacement for their anger, that is, if they do displace that anger. This is to avoid being retaliated against. Like how an employee will go home and scold his wife for the littlest reason after getting a huge scolding from his boss at work. Because the wife is less likely to report him or do anything drastic to him. I feel quite sad for my mum sometimes, when either my bro or my dad displaces their anger on her. Verbally of coz. Suck thumb.

I wouldn't want to be in that kind of situation. Urgh.

Supposed to be doing my work... Lol. oh well.. in good progress I think. Already more than halfway through and I've got a lot of research untouched... I'll probably need someone to summarize it for me. Any takers? Lol.

Feeling particularly stoned right now. Oh well. Better get back to productivity. Sighs.


I realised I've never seen the one with English Subtitles before.

Time for a little update. Yes, once again I'm in my lab conducting experiments. Heh. I'm supposed to be doing my essay, but what the heck... I'll just do some leisure writing first. :)

Another rainy day again. Not too affected since I'll be indoors the whole day. Probably by the time I'm about to set off for home, the rain would have stopped.

It's been a good weekend. Not academically productive though. But I do feel well-rested. Not that I had a whole lot of sleep. Lol. I so enjoy going to church... it's more than just the act of fulfilling your weekly duty or something. In fact it shouldn't even be seen that way. I love going to church and worshipping God! Interacting with my fellow churchies...learning and growing together. Sharing the fun, joy, laughter, as well as a pain and sorrow. It's really my second family. I think I've finally found where I really belong. But I won't stop going to Fairfield. I wouldn't want my mum to go to church alone after all. But I'll pray...let them come to His Family! :)

I really am blessed by the Lord. Looking back at my life all those years back... and now.... I guess I can see the change. It's a change that's beyond merely growing up and maturing, or even going through learning how to self-manage in my facil course. I'm grateful for His love and direction in my life. It's a wonderful feeling that goes beyond mere words!

Anyways. I think I need to look after my diet abit. Not the cutting down on food sort... but the 'i-need-to-eat-properly' sort. I've got lanugo hair already... a bit of it. I've always got pretty hairless arms.. or at least they were the whitish sort. Hmmmm. Shucks man. Lol. But then, I don't want to eat to the extent that I get...erm...fat again? Phobia! My dad just showed me some of my old passport sized photos taken in sec school. *pukes* I look like pangsai. Heh.

Ok, I've gotta go for class now. After that, another exp to conduct............. *think of the money think of the money*

I'm at the lab stoning while my participant is doing her experiment. I suppose I should be doing my readings for my seminar later... but oh well. I read the abstract. Does that count? I guess I'm just not in the mood to read my stuff...

Had a hectic morning trying to do up the video. The one at the multimedia lab couldnt read the camera file either. But thank God for fahmi's superb IT knowledge. Gave me the codec which I installed into my friend's laptop. Hahaha.. apparently I could only edit the video with vista. Ah well. What the heck... it's DONE! Muahahaha.

I skipped breakfast again. Not that I'm on a diet or anything. I guess I'm just no hungry. Though I'm gonna lunch with Alvin later. My stomach's not growling but well, I have to get my sustinance right? Otherwise I will KO during my 3 hour seminar later. I'm so sleepy.

Had a long chat yesterday night. 2 in fact. Opposite emotions for each. I probably shouldn't think so much about one of them. What's done is done I suppose. Like the saying goes, you can't have the cake and eat it too.

I really miss the impromtu suppers. Perhaps in future again. Somehow.

Day off at Sentosa

Had a day off at Sentosa with Wanhua. Didn't want to think about anything to do with reality. Lol. But Prof still had to call me regarding some school-related stuff. As Wanhua said, my day off is never really a day off. Oh wells.

Here are some pictures to show:








I love the last few pix... the sun rays are magnificent don't you think? It always makes me feel as though God is talking to me somehow. Haha Wanhua couldn't appreciate it much but she let me take the photos before we left sentosa. And praise God the pictures turned out so beautiful. :)

And it's sad when you know some things will never be the same again.