Once Upon a Time...

Don't you sometimes look around and say, "how did I get here?"
I wonder who's great idea was it for me to go back to school. Oh yeah, mine. But it was something I would talk about that would happen in the future. And now, my number is up.
I was at Anna M's house this week, and she was showing me these awesome curtains that she had made. I told her I was jealous, that is no understatement. And I am not insinuating that Anna isn't a busy lady, she very much is! But, somehow, curtains just aren't happening for me lately.
Neither is painting walls, making cards, scrapbooking, photography, yard work, exercise, shopping for fun, sewing, plucking my eyebrows, mopping floors, exfoliating, trying new recipes, and much, much more.
The honest truth is that if Shayne said he felt like we needed to have one or two more kids, I would be ALL OVER THAT. I feel like I have had to leave a piece of me behind as I accept the reality of no more babies, kindergartners, or just adding more Farrell's in general.
But, like I have said before, the no's have it.
I am also becoming aware that I am getting older with each birthday. Weird, beause 34 seemed so far away when I was a mommy to two at the age of 23.
I am trying hard to not wish my life away, a day or a week at a time. Because this phase most of us are all in, the working hard, planning, raising kids, saving money, fulfilling callings, is really tough! I will sware to anyone that the years of two toddlers was way EASIER than weeks with school, church and 7 sports games/practices all in seven days.

Maybe our memory will erase all the stress, and we will look back and say
"Once upon a time..." with no regrets.
Here's hoping that happens.

Fears

So, today in my social work/group work class, we had an icebreaker activity that was "what is your deepest fear?"
Well, I will freely admit that I fear people not liking me and letting others down. This has actually been a rough month in that family members have experienced heartache that I dearly, dearly wish I could fix. Deepest fear realized.
Others in the group shared their fears, and my heart was touched. Now, you must realize that a good number of the group members have addictive histories.
One person revealed that he was worried that his fiance, who he loves and adores, will leave him and realize what a loser he is.
Another said that she has a deep fear that someone will break into her house and kill her. I actually have that fear also.
The one that struck me the most was this...he said that he was afraid of going to hell.
Now, from what I know of this person, he has made some bad choices. But, none so bad that he would go to hell....I know that, but he doesnt.
Imagine having the real belief that you are such a bad person that you are doomed to hell. I really wanted to go up to him, hug him, and bear my testimony that the Atonement makes it possible to make up for our bad choices. That Heavenly Father loves us so much that He provided the way, a Savior who suffered his sins already, and like the picture, waits for him to unlock the door.
This class experience has opened my eyes and heart. I am learning to judge less. Listen more. And look at others for the amazing strides that they are making to a new life!