Gratitude

Tonight I am so full of gratitude and love. I have been so blessed in my life. As I held Ashlyn tonight I couldn't help but tear up. For one, I am so grateful to have her here safe and healthy. Two, I am filled with an immense amount of love and humility for my Heavenly Father. He has truly blessed me with a wonderful family, husband, parents, siblings, the list goes on. I wish I could put into words what I feel in my heart, but I can't seem to get the words right. I am just struck with an incredible amount of love. It is humbling and awesome at the same time.

I am so thankful to be a mother. What an amazing and humbling feeling it is to realize that my Father in Heaven has trusted me with six of his precious children. I hope and pray that I can live up to the potential he sees in me, to be the best Mom I can be.

I often get caught up in our routines and schedules and I forget to enjoy and celebrate my children. This morning I decided to forget the schedule and just spend some "fun" time with Austin and Ashlyn. It was wonderful and by the time I looked up at the clock and hour had already passed by. I hope my children will remember these moments more than the ones that involve me barking out orders or rushing through dinner to make it to a practice on time.




Chad is in China right now. I miss him a lot, but I am thankful that he has a good job and that he works so hard for our family. Most of all though, I am thankful that he always makes time for us. We are his first priority and we love that! I hope that my children realize all their Dad does for them. They often focus on how much time he has to be away, but I hope they can see the efforts he makes to be home as soon as he possibly can.

I love the Lord and I love my family. I just had to share a little bit of what I am feeling inside. I have truly been blessed with a wonderful family and friends.

Pic Line

As I've said before, we had to be very careful with Ashlyn's pic line. Because of the problems they had with Ashlyn's circulation they wanted to keep it in as long as they could. If I remember correctly they usually only leave the pic line in for two weeks at the most, but we had to keep Ashlyn's in for three weeks. So, when the day came to take the pic line out we were all a little anxious to see what would happen.

Chad wasn't able to be there when the line was taken out, it was just Dr. Hermann, the nurse and me. Dr. Hermann checked Ashlyn and gave the go ahead to take the line out. The nurse pulled it out a little and then waited to make sure everything looked good.

Everything looked good, so the nurse continued to pull the rest of the line out. Ashlyn was happy and everything looked good. We all breathed a sigh of relief. I took a couple of pictures and then started to text Chad that everything went well, when I noticed that Ashlyn's left leg was looking very pale. I quickly alerted the nurse and she got the doctor.

Ashlyn's leg was loosing circulation. The doctor came over right away and started massaging Ashlyn's leg. As he did that the circulation started coming back. It is all very odd, how this line causes issues with Ashlyn's circulation. No one could ever figure out why these problems arose. I don't know if she will ever have problems again, but it is good to know that there could be issues.

Once everything had settled down and things looked good again, I sat down to hold Ashlyn. As the nurse was handing Ashlyn to me I happened to notice a big red spot on the back of Ashlyn's head. I became immediately worried, especially after what had just happened. Again, the doctor came over and assured me that everything was okay. Ashlyn had a hemangioma, otherwise known as a strawberry. I was told that there was no need to worry, that it would eventually go away and that is was just a coincidence that it showed up at this time. They assured me that it had nothing to do with the pic line coming out. I was amazed because I knew there was nothing on the back of Ashlyn's head before and suddenly now there was a dime sized puffy red spot.

Once again, we settled down and Ashlyn was moved to an Isolet. Most parents don't like the Isolet as much because the babies are not as accessible. You have to put your hands in through the little holes to touch your baby. You still get to take the baby out and hold them, but they don't want you to do it as much. The Isolet helps the baby to maintain their body temperatures, so the more they stay inside the better (and quicker they graduate into an open crib!).

We aren't sure why these things have happened to Ashlyn, but we are grateful for the wonderful doctors and nurses that attend to Ashlyn everyday. We are also grateful for all the prayers and miracles we have received!

Misty comes to the rescue!

We were delighted to have Misty come help Chad and the boys for about a week. She was such a big help and so fun to have around. She would probably tell you she wasn't much help, but she truly was. Not only was she able to relieve Chad, but she was able to be a "Mom" to our kids while I couldn't be. We are truly grateful for Misty and all she did to help!

Misty also came to visit me in the hospital a couple of times! We had a blast! I loved having her there. We laughed and talked and felt like teenagers again!

It was fun to introduce Misty to Ashlyn! She was able to come into the NICU, but unfortunately, she wasn't allowed to hold Ashlyn. The rule was only parents and grandparents could hold the babies. It was a bummer, I really wish Misty could have held Ashlyn, but we found ways around it ;)

We had a fun girls night with Ashlyn on Misty's last night. We all bonded! Right before Misty left, one of the nurses told us Misty could have held Ashlyn if we got permission from the doctor. Unfortunately, he had gone home already so we were out of luck. That stunk, but we had fun anyway!

Thanks for coming Misty! You were such a great help to all of us. We love you!

The healing power of touch

One of my favorite memories of the NICU was the first time I got to hold Ashlyn. It was a couple of days after she was born. Chad and I were both in the NICU and our nurse asked if one of us would like to hold Ashlyn. We, of course, both wanted to, but Chad generously suggested that I go first. I was so excited! Holding Ashlyn was so comforting and wonderful! All was right in the world when she and I were cuddling. My feelings were indescribable!

While holding her for the first time, we were introduced to Kangaroo Care. Basically it is where the baby (wearing only a diaper) is laid on the parent's chest so that skin is touching skin. This mimics the kind of atmosphere the baby would have inside the womb and it helps the baby in many ways. It helps the baby maintain their body warmth, gain weight, regulate their breathing, have deeper sleep and be quiet and calm while being alert. It also has benefits for the parents. It helps create a bond between you and your baby and can give you needed comfort and peace. It can also help the mother's milk production.

Some of the sweetest moments in the NICU were when we were doing Kangaroo care. Chad and I have been able to bond with each if our children, but this was different. Never before have we had time to sit and cuddle with our babies on this scale. Plus, we never had the uncertainty. I wish I could describe it in words, but I can't. All I can say is whenever I think about it my heart swells up with love and my eyes start to water!

I had to pump every three hours. That, of course, meant that I had to get up during the wee morning hours. After I was done pumping I would often go down to the NICU and do Kangaroo Care with Ashlyn. It was the best time to go because most of the parents were sleeping. I pretty much had the place to myself! One of the sweetest memories I have of doing this was just after the first time I was able to hold Ashlyn. It was around three in the morning, I had just finished pumping and I couldn't wait to see Ashlyn. I headed down to the NICU and found it quiet and mostly empty. I sat down in the big purple recliner and the nurse placed Ashlyn on my chest. She was so warm and small - she fit perfectly! I probably laid there for more than an hour. As I laid there I started singing my favorite primary songs to Ashlyn - I love to see the temple, I am a child of God, I often go walking, etc. Several times throughout the hour tears would well up in my eyes and roll down my cheeks. The amount of love and gratitude that filled my soul was overwhelming. What sweet spiritual moments those were!

I am so thankful for all of the many wonderful moments Chad and I were able to experience with Ashlyn in the NICU!

The NICU

We were prepared to have Ashlyn in the NICU.  It was weird to have to visit her, but we knew what a wonderful blessing it was to have access to these facilities and that they were in the same building that I was recovering in.  All of the doctors and nurses were great from the very beginning.  They were kind, understanding and willing to explain things to us over and over again.  We felt very comfortable leaving Ashlyn in their very capable hands.

Of course we were never very far away.  After Ashlyn was born I stayed one more night in the hospital before I was discharged.  Even though I was discharged I didn't go very far.  The hospital has a really nice option for parents.  They have several parent rooms for parents who have a baby in the NICU.  I knew the rooms filled up fast so I reserved a room as soon as I could.  I was fortunate to get a room for as long as I needed it.  At first, I was only going to stay for a week or so (partly because of my spinal headache), but as time went on I decided to stay until Ashlyn came home.  I felt better being in the same building with her, plus once I started nursing it helped to be close by, especially in the middle of the night.

The day after Ashlyn was born I was able to go to the NICU by wheelchair.  That was much better than going in by bed.  Ashlyn was in a warmer bed.  We weren't able to hold her right away, but we could touch her.  In fact, we were encouraged to cup our hands and arms around her.  This simulated being in the womb.  We loved standing or sitting by Ashlyn's bed cradling her.

When I cradled Ashlyn with my hands I often found myself stroking her skin.  Chad had to keep reminding me not to stroke her, but her skin was so soft and it is a motherly instinct, I couldn't help it.  We weren't supposed to stroke her skin because babies that young aren't ready for physical touch yet and the motion can actually make them feel uncomfortable.  It was wonderful to be able to touch Ashlyn though.  Holding her little hand was such a sweet experience!  I think that is the first thing I did every time I visited, besides giving her a kiss of course!

Those first couple of days in the NICU were were really informative and special.  The NICU is an impressive place.  There are so many machines and tubes and alarms.  The site of these things make some parents nervous, but they were comforting to us.  We knew that all the machines and tubes were for Ashlyn's good.  Each day we were there we came to know these machines and tubes better and we learned what to watch for and what to treat carefully.  We are truly grateful for those who put in so many hours developing the technologies that keep babies thriving in the NICU.

Everyday we checked Ashlyn's arm to see how it was improving.  Her right arm was the last part of her body to return to normal coloring.  Each day we saw an improvement.  There were three main spots on her hand/lower arm that seemed to be holding on the longest.  It was amazing to see how quickly Ashlyn's body was able to heal itself.  It took about a week for the purple mottling to go away.  A funny thing happened a day or so before Ashlyn's arm cleared up.  Our regular doctor had a couple of days off and the doctor covering for him looked at Ashlyn's arm and told us it would probably be a couple more weeks before it all cleared up.  Chad, the nurse and I all looked at each other in disbelief.  We didn't think it would be that long.  From the progress we had seen, we thought it would be days.  Sure enough the next day Ashlyn's arm had pretty much cleared up and the doctor came around and said something like, "Oh, I guess I was wrong."

Because of the incident with Ashlyn's circulation, the doctors and nurses were always very aware of Ashlyn.  They were always very careful with her and her tubing.  Since Ashlyn turned purple the doctor had the machine checked out and Ashlyn was given an ultrasound to make sure all her organs were performing perfectly.  If the problem was caused by an air bubble it could have gotten into Ashlyn's organs and caused problems.  Luckily, the doctor did not find any air bubbles or any irregularities in Ashlyn's organs.  Unfortunately, we still had to wait a couple of weeks to make sure there were no problems.  A couple of days after the mottling, the machine came back, no problems had been detected.  We were back to square one.  Now the doctors started looking at many different causes.

Normally, when a baby goes into the NICU she receives a central line that goes into her umbilical cord.  That is the line that caused Ashlyn to lose circulation.  The central line stays in for two weeks at the longest (because they generally don't last that long), then they put in a Pic line.  Since they didn't know what caused Ashlyn's reaction they didn't want to have to take out the central line and put in a pic line.  We had to be extremely careful with Ashlyn's tubing to ensure the central line wouldn't be compromised.  It had to last longer than two weeks because it was the only line we could use for feedings, blood draws and medicine.

We were ever watchful, and if ever we saw an air bubble (which we did) we were alerting the nurses right away.  Air bubbles are present sometimes, but they usually pop before they get close to entering the body, but we weren't taking any chances.  The nurses were always more than happy to fix the problem.  We were grateful to have so many wonderful nurses.  Over the course of our five weeks in the NICU, we grew very close to the entire NICU staff.  The doctors, nurses, administrative staff and cleaning staff all took a special interest in the family with five boys who "finally" got a little girl.  We will always remember our time in the NICU as a very sweet experience.  One that drew us closer to one another, to our boys and to our sweet little girl.

Today is the day!

When my water broke I was 27 weeks along. Bedrest really did help.   With the Lord's help, I did make it past the two week mark. In fact, I made it for five weeks.

The whole time I was at the hospital the baby's heart rate looked very strong and she remained very active. I was pretty much a boring patient. But that's the way I liked it. I was very blessed the whole time to have lots of visitors, emails and phone calls, so I really didn't get that bored. Our church family and our neighborhood friends really stepped up and helped out Chad with the boys and with meals.

This morning, just a day shy of 32 weeks, I went into labor. At first, when I got to my labor and delivery room, I wasn't doing much. Things were pretty slow.  The doctor expected that things would move along quickly, but so far that hasn't been the case.  Chad came over to the hospital, but since not much was going on he headed home to watch a soccer game (he gave me strict instructions to call him if anything changed).  I was actually feeling good, so I started writing an update for the blog. After writing for a while I was starting to feel more of the contractions.  I called Chad back to the hospital and we waited.

The nursing staff still didn't want to check me abdominally very often, so I waited for a while to have the nurse check to see how far a long I was.  I was nervous she would tell me that I wasn't far at all.  Unfortunately, I was right, the first time she checked me I was only at a one and I was already in pain.

Luckily, though, things did pick up and an hour to an hour and a half later I was at a three.  After that I started having a lot of pain. It is true when they say that you forget the pain of previous births.  I had forgotten how bad it could be.  Finally, I was able to get an epidural.  The anesthesiologist was really nice.  His wife had been my nurse earlier that morning.  I found out that his son was suffering from brain cancer and he didn't have a lot of time left to live.  I was impressed with how strong they both were - that would be so hard.  I said a prayer for them that day and for many days afterwards.

As I said, I got my epidural, but it was not without it's problems.  Unfortunately, it went in the wrong way and as the anesthesiologist was taking it out some of my spinal fluid came out as well.  This really frustrated him because this would give me a spinal headache.  He was very frustrated that he had made the mistake.  I know he was trying to do his best, so I felt bad that he was so frustrated.  He did retry the epidural a second time and it took.  By this time my labor was in full swing and I was actually nervous that the epidural would deaden me long after the labor was over.  Luckily, my fears never came to light.

Just before the delivery several doctors and nurses came in to prep me, the room, and Ashlyn's warmer.  Everyone had a job and they were ready and waiting.  When it came time for me to push Chad was by my side and I only had to push a couple of times.  When my doctor pulled her out at 7:51 pm and held her up and he said she had a double chin!  I was surprised that he held her up to show me.  I figured she would be wisked away to the warmer as soon as she was out.  She was taken to the warmer shortly after I saw her.  Chad followed Ashlyn to the other side of the room and I got cleaned up.

I could see Chad watching the doctor and nurses attending to Ashlyn.  I kept telling him to take pictures.  I knew he was probably not worried about taking pictures because of his intense focus on the reality of the situation, but I wanted to see her and I knew she would be leaving the room soon.  After Chad took a couple of pictures he reported that she was doing well, but that she was on oxygen.  This didn't scare us, this was something we expected would happen.

Before Ashlyn was taken to the NICU, the Neonatologist brought Ashlyn over so I could see her.  Again, I was surprised that they brought her over to me, but I was so grateful!  The doctor explained that Ashlyn's body was inside of a plastic bag to help keep her warm (not allow any body heat to escape).  He also told us about the breathing tube and asked if we had any questions.  The doctor was very kind, calm and patient.  That was a great comfort!  We took a couple of pictures and then Ashlyn went down the hall to the NICU.

Chad went with her to watch them weigh her (3 lbs. 15 oz. and 16 3/4 long) and then he came back so the staff coul give Ashlyn a full check and get her started on the things she needed.  We were told they would let us know (in about an hour) when we could come see her.

At least two hours later we hadn't heard from the NICU so we had the nurse call to find out if we could go see Ashlyn.  Next thing we knew the Neonatologist came into our room.  He handed us a picture of Ashlyn and then in a somber and nervous tone he explained that Ashlyn had a bit of trouble that he was worried about.

Early the next morning Chad wrote the following email to update our family:

We have had a busy evening as is typical with any birth; however, we have had some concerning updates since we spoke with each of you last night. At some point when the NICU staff was working to get Ashlyn stabilized, one of the IV lines was compromised and air was introduced into her bloodstream. The most noticeable and immediate symptom was a dark bruising on most of her body caused by the oxygen deprivation.

While there are more details, the quick version of our current situation is that most of her body has regained its normal coloring with the exception of her right arm below the elbow, her right knee and her toes on both feet. The right arm is particularly purple in color.  The greater concern is that the oxygen derivation caused by the air bubble(s) may have damaged some of her internal organs.

They performed an ultrasound to look at her head and abdomen and did not find any air bubbles or any obvious signs of organ damage; however, it may take several hours or even days for more subtle damage to reveal itself.  The neonatologist seems confident that the air is gone, but is more concerned about internal damage that may not have manifested itself yet. They will be performing additional ultrasounds over the coming days to confirm that everything is okay. They will also use an MRI, but it will be a few weeks before Ashlyn is old enough for an MRI.

Brooke and I are both feeling pretty calm about everything at the moment; however, we ask that you continue to keep little Ashlyn in your prayers. The nurses in the NICU are naturally very upset about what has happened and we have tried to reassure them that Ashlyn's health and well-being are in the Lord's hands. I was grateful to learn that two of the nurses had been standing by Ashlyn's side before I arrived in the NICU praying that Heavenly Father would watch over her. We are fortunate to be surrounded by people with strong faith in God and His power to perform miracles in our lives and in the lives of those we love. Please focus your faith and energy on Ashlyn's well-being and resist the temptation to be upset with the NICU staff for what has happened.

We are grateful for your love, for your continued prayers and for your faith.

Brooke - We were able to see Ashlyn late that night (or early in the morning) when she was finally stabilized.  Since I had a spinal headache I had to visit Ashlyn in my hospital bed.  I was amazed the bed was able to fit through the doors and into the NICU.  It was a relief to see Ashlyn.  She was very tiny, but was sleeping soundly.  I saw her purple arm and was told that much of the purpling had gone away.  I felt very calm.  Oddly enough, I was not worried at all - yet again another tender mercy.  I had a wonderful short visit.  Unfortunately, I had to return to my room to get some rest.  Chad was able to stay with Ashlyn.  He went back and forth between Ashlyn and me.  It was a blessing.

Later in the day (Sunday) the boys were finally able to come to the hospital.  They were excited that Ashlyn had been born, but they were sad they wouldn't be able to see her and touch her.  They did get to see her over closed circuit television in the family waiting room.  The boys also got special hospital bracelets that said, "Big Brother."  Not all of the boys wanted to wear the bracelet, but they humored me and put them on for a picture.  I love the picture - I just wish Ashlyn's little hand could have been there as well.  Instead, we were all putting our faith together, as a family, in her behalf - what a powerful blessing this has been for our family!