For those of you who don't know, this past week was national eating disorder awareness week. Ya big deal, I know. Except it is a big deal. You need to be aware. I will admit, I remember gossiping in high school about girls who had eating disorders. Drama! So scandalous.
Fast forward 3 years.
There I was. Hooked up to machines in the hospital. How did I get here??
Fact. I never made the decision to get an eating disorder. I didn't even know I had one. I remember the doctor coming in and telling me my body was eating itself and they couldn't let me go home. They were going to send me to an in-patient facility for "girls like me." I weighed in at 87 pounds.
The next few days were a complete blur. I woke up in a bed, in a room I had never seen before. There were bars on the windows. Red flag number 1. I had an IV in my arm and a feeding tube in my nose. I learned I was in a center. I also learned that I could not leave that center. The next month was a month of force feeding, therapy, feeding tubes, ekgs, and black and blue arms from getting my blood drawn. Humiliation was a common theme there. Patients weren't allowed to go to the bathroom alone, for obvious reasons. I had a date every morning at 4:50 with nurse Rachet and her cold boney fingers to lay topless, brawless in bed for my daily ekg. Most of the days and nights are not very clear to me now. Sometimes I wish I would have kept a journal durning my stay but quite honestly I didn't because I didn't want to remember. I didn't take pictures because I wanted forget it had ever happened. I pretended it didn't for a long time.
Sometimes I wake up in a cold sweat, terrified that I am back there. Some things I still can't talk about. It was nothing short of hell. My only saving grace was another patient, a girl my age who I became extremely close with and my sister who drove down daily to visit me. I would have been lost without them.
The next few years were full of ups and downs. Literally. I believe the correct term is "relapse." I couldn't let go of my best friend. My addiction. All I wanted was to be in control of my life, but it was controlling me. I loved being thin, except that was the problem. I didn't think I was. I never once saw a skinny girl, let alone a sick girl. I thought I was being healthy. I was proud because I was healthier than everyone else. But I wasn't really living my life, because I didn't really have a life. I couldn't go out, because it was too hard to make up lies about what I could and couldn't eat. I had only one friend, my eating disorder and we were totally besties.
Then my life changed, I met Graham. I liked him so much. You can read about how we met here. What you don't know is how I almost lost him. More than once. He stuck by my side. But in the end I realized that it had to be my decision, I had to choose him over my anorexia. Ugh I hate that word by the way. I am so proud to say I chose to be healthy and happy. We are taught to love one another, but sometimes I think we forget how important it is to love ourselves. Please don't forget. Don't get me wrong. I still struggle sometimes. Whether you believe it or not, eating disorders are a disease. I have learned that I will carry this around with me for the rest of my life, but it will not define me. It does not define me. I carried this burden around for so many years. My deep dark secret. I was so ashamed and embarrassed about what I went through and what people would think of me if they found out. I guess I still am. So this is my way of freeing myself from the thing that held me captive for so long.
Nothing is more liberating then loving yourself. Flaws and all.
