A New Year

A few years ago Stacy, my cousin (in-law) decided not to do New Years Resolutions. Now she does a phrase to live by, it becomes her theme for the year. Well I am totally stealing her first phrase to live by.

Live Authentically.


There have been a lot of changes in my life over the last year. Next year, I am going to follow my heart more. I am going to step outside of my comfort zone. I am going to try and find what I am good at. I want to find what is in my soul to do. Very similar to the Indian philosophy of dharma. 


So often I feel a pull towards something. I am always afraid to leave where I am. I always second guess myself. I always worry that if I go where I think I should I will fall flat. I recently found a quote that I love by Stephen Cope "We cannot be anyone we want to be. We can only authentically be who we are.".
In all my reading of dharma I am also reminded of a wonderful quote by Chef Seattle "Humankind has not woven the web of life. We are but one thread within it. Whatever we do to the web, we do to ourselves. All things are bound together. All things connect.".


We can only be ourselves. We can only do what we ourselves can do. What we do, will and does affect others. If you aren't doing what is in your soul, you affect others. 


There are so many things I want to learn. There is so much to live for. I am tired of trying to work, and save to play someday. I want to play now. I want to live now. I want to love getting up in the morning. I want to love my job and my work. I don't want to be mediocre at something I can do, I want to be great at something I love. 


I love learning. I have a passion that when I hear about something new, I want to learn as much as I can about it. I usually jump in with both feet, and hope I don't go in over my head (which I usually do). 


I am not here to live someone else's life, I am not here to live someone else's dream. I am here to live my life. I have to live my life according to the dictates of my own conscience. I can't follow something that feels wrong to me. I can't make myself be someone or something I am not. I can only be authentically me, and that is the person I tend to be. It may take me longer than a year, it may take the rest of my life. However there are things in my life that have to change. Change is scary, but it is necessary right now for me.


I am not scared of finding out that I need to go in a completely different direction, I am not scared to find out that what I need to do is something seemingly small. I am not scared to find out, that my direction is different than everyone else thinks it should be. I am not going to be afraid to stand up for myself, and my dreams any more. Everyone is different, everyone's path is different. Nobody has the right to judge anyone else. Nobody had the right to say if the way someone else is going is wrong. Only the person who life it is can say that.

I have kept so many things bottled up for decades. I rarely let myself feel things. I would follow people blindly. I would do what others told me I should do. I cannot do that any longer. I cannot depend on others. I need to stand up on my own, even if it means I am the only one on my path.

Missing

I woke up this morning missing a friend that I have not seen in over a decade. They are not on any social media that I can find.
During high school they were one of the few people I trusted. I loved them completely, as they were. I may not have always done a good job of showing it. I know they have probably changed, and I know that the person I miss is the 17 year old that I last knew. However I still love them. I still want them to be happy. I wish I knew where to find them, just to find out how they are doing, and make sure they are all right.

Thoughts

We recently had our house broken into. This is the second time in a four week period. I do not feel safe in my own house. I don't want to leave my house either. I know the police are doing what they can, and I know that the chances of getting back the one thing I want is very slim. I want my laptop back that has pictures and videos of my daughter. I also have writing on my laptop that I will never be able recreate. I feel so hurt and violated. I can not put into words how much this has affected me. I can not comprehend why someone would break into somebody else's house and take their things.

There has been so much violence in the news lately. People want a magic fix. There isn't one. The only real fix is for everyone to start respecting and loving everyone. Until then bad things will continue to happen.

Here is a picture of the person that broke into our house. Kraig set up a video camera in the living room, so this was taken in our house.

Random Thoughts

I love this picture of Kate, it is one of my absolute favorite pictures of her. It was taken by my very talented SIL at a wedding reception she was hired to photograph.

 A lot of times I feel like I have so much to say. I have so much that I feel that I want to express, but I have such a hard time expressing my feelings. I often find myself not being able to put my feelings into words. Simply because there aren't any words that really describe my feelings correctly. Lately I feel like I have a lot to say, I just can't seem to find a way to do it.

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 I started working on a project. I recently decided to start all over, and do it differently. So what I was hopping to have done before Christmas, probably won't be done until next month. Hopefully it will be better though.

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 We took Kate to the Festival of Trees today. I decided that instead of carrying all our stuff I took our little stroller. Kate kept wanting to push it, bad idea. There were so many people, and when we wouldn't let her push it she would get mad. However she loved all the Christmas trees. She also loved to see "Christmas Clause".

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 I am glad that Kate doesn't get night terrors often, but when she I always feel bad. She will start screaming in her sleep, she will also sit up, and have her eyes open, yet she is completely asleep.

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 Kate was so grumpy today. Up until we put her in her crib for her nap, than all of a sudden she is super happy, and played in her crib for two hours before she finally fell asleep.

New things and A New Path

I am not the same person I was a year ago. With things constantly changing in my life, it is to be expected.

With a bunch of stuff happening all at the same time, I have started having major issues overnight. Due to the amount of stress and anxiety that I have been having, I woke up one morning unable to focus, and I was having a hard time remembering anything. I would forget a thought mid thought, and I would have no memory of what I had been thinking. I went to see my doctor, and after having several tests done, and talking she figured out that I was having serotonin problems. Since then my doctor  and I have been working to get me on the right medication that will help.

Also with all my stress, my migraines have started to become more frequent, and more intense. I am having a really hard time with them. So often the pain is so bad I want to cry. I believe some of my issue is because I simply cannot relax. I have so many things going on, and so many things that I need to get done, that I have a very hard time relaxing. I have also had a hard time really laughing. I feel  like I have so much going on constantly, and I feel like there are so many things keep piling up that I find very little enjoyment in a lot of things.

I am trying to drop the things that I don’t have to do that are causing so of my stress. So one thing I am doing is taking a break from church. Trying to go to church causes me so much stress that I swear one of these days I am going to snap. There are a lot of reasons behind this decision that I am not going to get into here, it is not the place or the time.

As for my migraines there are a few completely different things I am going to try, and all of this is very new to me.  One thing I will be doing that isn’t really different, but still new to me, I haven’t ever done it on my own, but I had done a little when I was in elementary , and that is meditation.  Meditation can be good at calming and relaxing a person, as well as help build positive energy.

Another thing I am going to try is crystals. This is totally new for me. One of the ladies I work with does this, and she has had a lot success with them. I am a little skeptical, but I figure it is worth trying, it can’t possibly hurt. People have been using them for centuries, maybe there is something to it.

The other big thing that I am going to try, I am going to talk to a spiritual healer. I am really skeptical of this, but I am to a place that I have no answers and I don’t know what to do.  I am hoping that maybe they will be able to tell me what is going on, and what I will need to do to need to do to get my migraines under control.

Another thing I have looked at, but feel very in over my head, is Astrology. I recently got my Astrology profile done, and I was stunned at how accurate some of it was.

I am really hoping that this will at least get me in the right direction I need to be in. I am tired of feeling like crap, I am tired of being tired, I want to be able to enjoy life.

Random Thoughts

My brother's birthday was a couple of weeks ago, and mine is coming up. Because of that I started thinking about my dad and his love of birthdays. He loved to celebrate birthday's. I think his birthday was his favorite, my mom's followed closely behind. As far as I can remember he never forgot any of our birthday's. He thought all birthday's were important, and it didn't matter if you were an adult or a child, he loved to celebrate. We didn't have parties really, just cake and ice cream with the family.

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I am so tired of my migraines. They have been happening more frequently lately. I believe due to my stress. Every time I think I get things figured out, something else pops up. I wish I could just magically make things better. My doctor has recommended a few things, but unfortunately some of that is too expensive for me to really do. I hate money.

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I can't believe how fast this year has flown by. I hate that time seems to be speeding up the older I get. I remember when I was in elementary, time seemed to go by so slow. Now it seems like it never slows down and is constantly flying by. It seems so strange to me that Christmas in just over two months.

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This year I want to do something for my birthday. I haven't decided what yet. It will just be a very small group of people. I am tired of acting like my birthday doesn't exist. I want to do something to acknowledge my birthday, and celebrate my life. Now to just figure out what I want to do. I keep going back and forth on dinner out, or a game night with pizza and snacks.

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 Kate is almost two and a half. She is so funny. She loves to sing (usually at the top of her lungs), and while she sings she has to twirl (usually until she is dizzy). She has also started to have an imagination. She is constantly trying to change her baby's poopy diapers, or rock her baby. She is always going. Her toy's are spread across our living room, if I try to pick it back up, in less than ten minutes, it is back the way is was before I picked it up. She is startled by noises and is always asking "What's that" when she hears a loud noise. She is tall. She is in 3T clothes because 2T clothes are too short for her. However 3T clothes are a little big around. It is a good thing most pants have adjustable elastic waists.

Babies

There have been so many people that keep asking (or pushing) when Kraig and I are going to have another baby. Right now I am going to say we are done. Here is why.

I have no patients anymore. I lost it all within the first 6 weeks of Kate being born. I think the worse day was  only two weeks after she was born, and she cried for half of the day. I was totally frazzled, and I had no idea what to do. I didn't know what I was doing. I didn't know what I needed. Those first 6 weeks were the hardest of my life.
Mothering did not come naturally to me. During the first 48 hours of Kate's life, I kept thinking that it wasn't real. The second night at the hospital, instead of listening to my very smart SIL (who has four kids), I kept Kate in my room with me. I don't think I slept very much if at all that night. Kate started crying, and it took forever for me to calm her down. At one point during the night I should have sent her to the nursery, but I didn't.
It took me until Kate was about 18 months to 2 years before I was any good at nurturing. I tried, but I really wasn't very good at it before she was 18 months. Now at least I can get her to tell me what is wrong, or what she wants. Sometimes it requires waiting until she has calmed down.
I know everyone keeps saying that the next one will be different. Well different doesn't mean better, it doesn't mean easier. I can not handle Kate some days, throw another baby in the mix, and I may end up going off the deep end.
I love Kate, but there were times when she was first born that I would wish she would disappear. I didn't want to hurt her, and I didn't want anything bad to happen to her. I just didn't want her around. I couldn't handle her. Now things are a lot better, and I am glad to have her.
There have also been people that tell me that they will play together. That may be true down the line, but not in the first two years of the new babies life. They don't really play until they reach two, and right now Kate would rather play by herself than with other kids. So that leaves Kraig and me to try and entertain two little kids at the same time. Again I would probably end up going off the deep end.
Mentally I can only handle one child right now. So that is all that I am going to have right now. If I don't take care of myself mentally and physically than I would end up not being able to take care of anybody. I have to do what is best for me and my little family.

People moving

Kate at her 2nd birthday party.


Recently Kate had three of her cousins move out of state. She also had one of her friends move away. I feel bad for her, and in some ways I am mourning the lose of these people in her life. I know that her cousins will still be there, but she isn't going to be able see them or play with them very often now. I also know that down the line she will forget about her friend, and she won't remember playing with her cousins. It kind of makes me sad.

Unconditional Love

I believe in true unconditional love. I will love my daughter unconditionally for my entire life.
I love my daughter just the way she is, and I do not want any outside forces making her change. I love her endless curiosity. I love her sassy, fun personality. I love that she is always going. I love that she is so smart.
She is beautiful just the way she is. I do not want any one to take that away from her for any reason.


Photo by Jill Oaks Photography

Grateful

I have so much to say, but I can't seem to find the right words. So right now is probably not the time to say it...
However I do need to thank the few people I have around that listen and understand.

So here is a awesome picture Kraig took of Kate.

My Current Random Thoughts

As much as I love to read, sometimes I just have a hard time reading. It is like I can only read so many books, and than I lose all my drive to read.

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Right now I am having the hardest time concentrating. I feel very disconnected. Plus I am so stinking tired all the time. It doesn't help that my migraine just does not want to go away.

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Stress sucks.

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Kate is getting so big! She loves to talk on the phone, which she usually just rambles, and says "bye bye" a bunch of times. However she did sing "Twinkle Twinkle" to my brother last week.

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My Grandpa with dementia often has no idea who I am. He knows I have a little girl. He knows I have a husband, but he doesn't really know who I am. It is hard sometimes. He forgets little things all the time, and he often doesn't know what year or day it is. A lot of people keep expecting him to get better. They don't get he is never going to get better, he is only going to get worse.

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I really need a new cell phone. It has issues. There are days that it just doesn't get messages, and it won't send texts. Drives me crazy. Oh well it will just have to wait.

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I went and saw a doctor today, it wasn't my regular doctor. He wasn't my favorite. I missed my regular doctor. Too bad my regular doctor is only there two days a week, and she hasn't been there in the afternoons lately.

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I am not teaching primary anymore, and I have to say, it has been nice.

Struggling

I have been working on this entry for a long time. There are so few people that know this about me, and so few will understand, which is why I haven’t talked about it.  This is something I have been having a hard time with for a long time. It is why there is very little on my blog about what I believe, and my thoughts and feelings about my church.
I am not really sure where to begin.  I guess the best place to start is when Kraig and I moved in together before we were married (I am not getting into that, that is another very long story for those that don’t know it).  It started when a person whose job it was to listen, didn’t.  Several things happened and Kraig and I ended up moving in together before we were married. I went into talk to my bishop at my college ward, he basically kicked me out. It was this action that started something in me that I have had a hard time with ever since. I walked out that day, and as hurt as I was, and as upset as I still am by his choice. I know my choice was right for me at the time.

Since that time I have struggled with church, when I first went back it was hard.  We didn’t try to go back to church until after Kraig and I got married. Once we started going again we worked on getting sealed on our 1^st anniversary (which we did).  We did well for a while. We got put in primary, which was the best birth control, Kraig and I taught the sunbeams, there were 10 kids. It was too much for us at the time. Shortly after we were released my dad got sick. After my dad passed away, I started asking a lot of questions.

My whole life I spent fighting my dad so that I could go to church. There were several times that I would get grounded for going to church. I would also get in more trouble when I paid tithing, but I did it anyway. My dad didn’t even want me going to the Young Women weekly activities. Several times I had to sneak out to go.

When my dad died I started questioning my reasons for fighting so hard. I didn’t know if it was because it is what I believed, or if it was my way of rebelling. I started questioning all of motives for things.  Soon Kraig and I moved back to Salt Lake (we had been living in St. George while everything above happened).  When we got put in as Sunday School teachers, I often had a hard time going, and I was having a hard time teaching. I couldn’t teach something that I was having a hard time doing.  It was also during this time that we started looking to buy a house. So we kind of just quit going to church.  When we actually moved I had no problem just staying home.

I felt so out of place going to church. I felt as if I didn’t belong.  Even now years after I started going back I feel out of place. I hate trying to teach primary, because I feel I don’t belong there.  I struggle with so many of the simple things.

There are many things that I never quit believing. I am a person that makes decisions based on emotion. People talk about logic and about being able to touch and see things. That isn’t me. I am such an emotional person. I have to feel that something is right, and feel that something is wrong.  There are things that I see so differently now than I use to.

There are so many things that I want to say, but I just don’t know how.

Here is one of my favorite songs. Heaven by Live

Just Thinking

(My dad, sister, brother, and me)

 In about three weeks, it will be ten years since my dad passed away. I still have no idea how I feel about it. The only thing that has ever really made me miss him, has been trying to deal with my grandpa that has dementia. I have often wondered how things would be if he had never gotten sick. I also wondered how things would be if he had survived the cancer. I wish that putting everything that is bottled up into words was possible, but it isn't. My dad was not my favorite person, he was not someone that I could talk to, and most of the time he didn't understand who I was. However because of what he was, I became who I am, for good or bad.

(My dad's favorite past-time)

(I am not sure when this picture was taken, I don't know if it was after he got sick, or not)

Kate's 2nd Birthday!

Kate had her birthday last weekend, and we celebrated all weekend! Saturday we met all of Kate's cousins at Wheeler Farm. She had a blast! She loved animals, and she loved playing with her cousins! Once she was done sitting in her stroller, she wanted to push it! She found a horse her size, she thought that was funny. She found the big horses, she didn't want to leave them! Hanging out with all the cousins as they came! One of her cousins playing on the tractor Playing on the playground & eating cookies! Sorry this one is blurring, but it was too funny not to put up. On Sunday first thing we opened birthday presents, mom couldn't wait anymore!! Than we sluffed church (bad I know), and went to a park for a picnic, it was such a beautiful day! Kate trying to hide from the camera she didn't want her picture taken. We than went to Grandpa & Grandma Oaks for dinner. She got to open a couple more presents, and had yummy ice cream & cupcakes! My little girl is no longer a baby

Feeling very discouraged

I have been running for about a month now. I haven't lost any weight at all. Maybe I need to go talk to my doctor. I have achy sore muscles, I am tired and warn out. I haven't lost anything, I haven't lost weight, I haven't lost inches. What is the point of all of this if nothing is changing? I feel very beaten down, right now I just want to quit.

Wishful Thinking

Today I was thinking that I wish there was a job that paid people to read books. When I say read books, I don't mean edit them. It would be so nice to read books all the time and get paid for it. I am not enough of a critic to do real book reviews, so that's out. Oh well, it was just a nice thought.

Random Thoughts for the week

This week was the third week that I went running & exercising. I did it, Saturday was the only day I didn't do anything. I got too hot and ended up with a migraine. However I am not going to let this one day bother me, or upset me. I am get going to pick up on Monday and keep going. --- Why oh why does it have to be so hot already? Why couldn't the temperature stay in the 60's until June? I didn't mind last year's mild summer. Last summer it never hit 100. I was fine with that! --- My migraine still hasn't gone away. Plus it is still hot... --- I love goodreads.com, my to read list is now has more than 520 books!! --- I weighted myself for the first time in months this week, I thought that I lost weight, or at least stayed close to the weight was last time. Nope, I gained weighted. Grrr I am going to have to measure myself, and keep track if I am at least losing inches. --- I recently started trying to keep track of what I am eating again. I need to start eating more fruits and veggies. I don't eat enough. I am not sure I can get Kraig to eat more veggies though... Kate I won't have a problem with, she seems to like most veggies. --- My baby is going to be two in exactly one week!!! I can't believe it! Time flies, I hate it. I wish time would slow down more. I am looking forward to taking her to see all the animals! For those that can't come we will miss you!

Quick update: Week two

This week hasn't been very good for me. First off my stomach has been killing me since Monday night. So Tuesday instead of running, I went walking. Wednesday I still didn't feel well, and I ended up not doing anything. I hated that I didn't do anything. So Thursday I did run, but I could only do half of what I had been doing last week. Friday, nothing went the way it was suppose to. Today I am going to run. Even though this week hasn't been a very good week, I am not going to quit. I know there will be good weeks and bad weeks.
I have been debating joining my city rec center. The problem is I don't really have the money to do it. Plus I joined a gym years ago, and I after a while I quit going, it turned out to be such a waste of money. I would like to know what every one thinks about this. Please tell me your thoughts.

I made it through my first week!

As most of you know I started running last week. I am happy to report I stuck to my schedule of running Tuesday, Thursday, and Saturday, and doing exercise video's Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.
I doing a program where you slowly work up the time long you run for. So I have been walking one minute than running one minute, for about 15 minutes. Plus a five minute walk to warm up, and a five minute walk to cool down.
This is what I have learned, that if I either forget my timer, or accidentally forget to hit the start button, it's alright. I just need to listen to my body. I know this means that there maybe times when I walk for more than a minute and run for less than a minute. I am fine with that, because I am still doing it. I am still trying, and still pushing myself. I am not doing this for other people, I am doing it for me.
I know that there are going to be a few people out there that feel they should give me advise, all I can say to that is, please keep your comments to yourself. I am not planning on running a marathon, ever. I am not planning on ever running any race. I am simply running to relieve stress. Please understand, I am not saying this to be rude, I am saying this because I am not you. I have my own way of doing things. If you do decide to give me your advise anyway, please know that I may not do what you tell me.
I am happy to announce that by running, working out, and taking the Sam-e, my mood is better. I am not seeing it drop so much at night. It is still not always great, and things still affect me greatly, but it is better.

New Things Happening

Recently I had started to wonder if maybe I have had postpartum (now that Kate is almost two). Not bad enough that I have wanted to hurt myself, or Kate, and not bad enough that I couldn't function. However it is bad enough that there are days, I can't handle her, I can't. After talking to a friend of mine, I found out she had a very mild form of it. She recommended a vitamin supplement called Sam-e. I started taking it Thursday it says on the box that it can take 7 to 14 days to see a difference. After 2 days I can see a small difference. I will have to see what I feel like after 14 days.

Another thing I am going start trying to help my mood. I decided to start running. I hate running, for a slightly different reason than most would think. I hate it because my eyes bounce, which ends up making me little motion sick. After talking to someone else who recently started running, they told me that I was probably running wrong. They said I was probably landing on my feet wrong. So nice bright and early tomorrow, I am going to go to a running store, and get fitted for running shoes. I also talked to my aunt (through marriage) who has been running for as long as I have known her (for about 12 years). She suggested an article from Runners World called Running 101. The article gives a great walk/run schedule for beginners. She also suggested going with someone. I am going to try going with her this week, and get some tips and pointers on things I need to work on, than I am going to see if one of my neighbors would go with me. I want to go three times a week. What I am hoping I can do is three times a week run, and three times a week do Pilates or some type of aerobic exercises (just not Yoga at the moment, it tends to frustrate me).

There are going to be days this is going to be hard on me, and there are going to be days that I just can't do it. However I am not going to give up. I am going to take things one step at a time, and I know that for the first few weeks it will be a struggle. I will have to get schedules worked out with Kraig on my exercise days (Kate tries to sit and bounce on anyone that lays down). I can take Kate running with me, I can push her in the stroller (now I am wishing we had bought a jogging stroller, oh well I will make do).

With how stressed I have been, I know I need to do something. I have been so stressed out that it has been making me physically sick (not to mention breaking out like I am a teenager again, yuck). So I am going to run. I also started writing in a journal again (It has been since just after I got married that I quit!!!). I am so grateful that I have the freedom and the option to do so much. I know things will work out, and I know that everything happens for a reason. I just need to remember this quote:

"It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don’t worry. I say that to myself every morning. It will all work out. If you do your best, it will all work out. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. … If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers." - Gordon B. Hinckley

Gratitude

From Kate

I am feeling so much right now. A friend of mine is lending Kate all of her 2T and 3T clothes. I was so grateful when she told me that she had some Kate could use. When I picked the clothes up from her I felt so happy and relieved. However it wasn't until I got home and started going through things and putting things in Kate's closet that I just wanted to cry. There were so many clothes, and my friend was so selfless to let us borrow them. I am so grateful, and feel so much love and gratitude towards my friend. True friends are such a blessing. I am so happy to have the few I have.

My Random thoughts for this week

From Misc.

This "motivation" idea has been floating around blogs, pinterest, and Facebook. I think it is a bad idea. People get so caught up in the number, and they start thinking about just losing weight. Just because you lose weight doesn't mean you are healthy. I would rather weight more and be healthy, than to be super skinny and be very unhealthy.

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Kate has been so grumpy that it is making Kraig and I on edge. I keep hoping that it will magically get better. I know some of it is because she has been sick. I know some of it is because of stupid daylight savings. However she was grumpy before. I guess this means I am going to have to see if I can find something very structured for her to do. Like dance, gymnastics, or martial arts...
I don't think anyone takes kids younger than three though.

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I hate daylight savings time. I truly believe that we do not need it anymore. With electricity now being in homes, and the invention of the alarm clock. Daylight savings time can go bye-bye.

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The book I just started today is creepy, I am hoping it doesn't give me nightmares. However, it is going to be one of those books that are hard to put down. In someways it is annoying that I am not a speed reader. I like absorbing the whole story though.


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I am so excited, the book club that I was going to a year ago started up again!! I have missed it! It is so crazy at how something so simple, can mean so much. I love everything about it. I love hearing other peoples thoughts on a book, whether they agree with me or not. I also love having the interaction with other women. Sometimes I get so caught up with work, Kate, and Kraig that I can go months with out seeing anybody else (I am in primary, so I only have interaction with 7 to 10 year olds on Sunday).

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I thought about doing a whole bunch of cute things for St. Patrick's day. I am most likely not going to do any of it. I am part Irish though (and part Scottish).

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Kate is going to be two next month, she is so stinking tall. I am wondering where she is at percentile wise. For the last several check ups she has been at 50%. I wonder if that has changed or if she is still right in the middle.

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Time flies.
I have come to realize that I am no longer the youngest in anything. For the first few years after high school, I was the youngest in Relief Society, I was about the same age as everyone I was working with. Now I am not. One of the girls I work with made the comment that she was eight when I graduated high school, that just made me feel old.

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Some days, I feel as if there is something that I need. The problem is I have no idea what that is.

Friends

From Misc.

Have you ever had a day when you just needed a friend? I seem to have them a lot lately, probably just because of how stressed I have been. I don't have many friends, and I can count my true friends on one hand. So being able to get with even just one friend is a miracle for me.
So today after things just seemed to magically work together, I actually got to spend a couple of hours with two very wonderful, and great friends.
For me friends are often my lifesavers. Getting to spend just a little while away from reality. Talking, laughing, joking, teasing, remembering. Most of the time it seems like I have so much to say, and just a couple of hours is never quite long enough. What usually happens is someone asks me a question, and I have so much to say, but always seem to get side tracked onto a million things, and never make it back to the original question. I don't mind usually, I love the diversion. I wish the excitement of seeing friends, and the joy of talking to them lasted much longer after it is over than it does.
Once reality comes crashing in around me, I have lost the feelings of quiet comfort that talking to friends brings. I often wish I had one of my dear friends living in my ward, or at least in my neighborhood, so that I could see and talk to them much more often than I get to. Sometimes I feel a little left out, and out of the loop knowing that some of my friends get to see each other much more often. I don't resent it, I know that it isn't done on purpose, it's just life.

Random Thoughts

From Kate

Kate is almost two!! I can hardly believe it. I keep debating if I want to just do cake and ice cream at my in-laws, or do a small party with a few other two year old kids. I know she won't really remember it, but it is still a special day. I want her birthdays to always be special for her.

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Migraines are horrible, I swear one of these days my head is going to kill me.

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I recently started trying to drink herbal tea for my migraines. With my stress level through the roof, my migraines have been almost constant for the last few months. I have learned that herbal tea doesn't taste nearly as strong as I thought it would, unless it has cinnamon. I don't think I have finished a single cup of tea. I have only made five or so cups of it, and I can't seem to drink it all. In fact I once had peppermint tea that all I did was smell it. Maybe it is because I have no idea if I am even doing it right...

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I just finished a good book, eventually I will do a book review for it and put it on my book review blog, found here.

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A friend also lent me another book. It is called Positive Discipline: For Preschoolers. I am finding that I agree with somethings (no yelling, screaming, spanking, etc), however I am finding that I am disagreeing with other things (no punishing, no time outs for kids under 3). I think if a two year old is mad and hitting you, they deserve to go in time out. Maybe it is the part of me that doesn't like change, that does not like those parts of the book.

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I recently started drinking fruit infused water. It has made drinking water so much easier. All I do is put chunks of fruit in the bottom of a pitcher and let it sit in the fridge over night. Than in the morning I fill up my water bottle and take it to work with me. I don't even add any sugar. I love it! I do have to say that I am looking forward to summer when fruit it cheaper.

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By the way I tried to drink some tea today to help my headache, so far I don't think it has helped. I need to find something for them.

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I can't believe it is almost March! Being an adult time seems to fly by, and it really doesn't matter if you are having fun or not. Time doesn't stop, it just keeps ticking on.

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I found a quote on Pinterest that I love! I don't know who said it but I completely agree with it. "Don't let someone who gave up on their dreams talk you out of going after yours."
I don't think anyone ever really talked me out of going after my dreams, mainly because I didn't really have any. I think that is why I have such a hard time doing new things.

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Some days I think I should start writing in a journal again.

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Some days, all I want is to sit down with a really good friend and talk. Too bad that simple idea is so hard to accomplish with life getting in the away. But doesn't that sound nice to sit down with a friend and talk, either over lunch, or a yummy dessert?? I know a few people that would say over coffee, but I don't drink it.

Complaint

Alright, I have a complaint.
Why do so many people here have to be so judgmental??
I have seen so many people judge a situation when they have no idea what is going on. I have seen people judge others just because of their hair color.
What gives those people a right to judge someone else, or their life? No body is perfect, and NOBODY see the whole picture.
So I ask please don't decide what someone else is doing wrong, please don't decide that if someone has blue hair that they aren't worth knowing. You can't judge someone you don't know. You can't judge a situation unless you are in the middle of it.

1 Samuel 16:7
But the Lord said unto Samuel, Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; because I have refused him: for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward cappearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart.

“If you judge people, you have no time to love them.” ~Mother Teresa

Kids

From Kate

Kate is almost two, I can hardly believe how fast time flies. She has entered into the terrible two stage. Complete meltdowns, temper tantrums, and everything in between are becoming a daily occurrence. Some mornings just trying to get her dressed is a fight. If the next two years are this way, I am in trouble. There are times I have such a hard time keeping my patience with her. Sometimes I have to just put her in time out and walk away. However sometimes that is not really an option, like when we need to get ready to leave in the morning.

I know several people that are pregnant right now. I must be different than most women. I hated being pregnant, and I remember most of the details. In fact I still have a rib that hurts from Kate kicking it out of place. Kate is hard enough for me to handle I don't believe I could handle another, plus I don't have the money to have another baby. So as of right now we are not planning on having another baby for a while.