Struggling

I have been working on this entry for a long time. There are so few people that know this about me, and so few will understand, which is why I haven’t talked about it.  This is something I have been having a hard time with for a long time. It is why there is very little on my blog about what I believe, and my thoughts and feelings about my church.
I am not really sure where to begin.  I guess the best place to start is when Kraig and I moved in together before we were married (I am not getting into that, that is another very long story for those that don’t know it).  It started when a person whose job it was to listen, didn’t.  Several things happened and Kraig and I ended up moving in together before we were married. I went into talk to my bishop at my college ward, he basically kicked me out. It was this action that started something in me that I have had a hard time with ever since. I walked out that day, and as hurt as I was, and as upset as I still am by his choice. I know my choice was right for me at the time.

Since that time I have struggled with church, when I first went back it was hard.  We didn’t try to go back to church until after Kraig and I got married. Once we started going again we worked on getting sealed on our 1^st anniversary (which we did).  We did well for a while. We got put in primary, which was the best birth control, Kraig and I taught the sunbeams, there were 10 kids. It was too much for us at the time. Shortly after we were released my dad got sick. After my dad passed away, I started asking a lot of questions.

My whole life I spent fighting my dad so that I could go to church. There were several times that I would get grounded for going to church. I would also get in more trouble when I paid tithing, but I did it anyway. My dad didn’t even want me going to the Young Women weekly activities. Several times I had to sneak out to go.

When my dad died I started questioning my reasons for fighting so hard. I didn’t know if it was because it is what I believed, or if it was my way of rebelling. I started questioning all of motives for things.  Soon Kraig and I moved back to Salt Lake (we had been living in St. George while everything above happened).  When we got put in as Sunday School teachers, I often had a hard time going, and I was having a hard time teaching. I couldn’t teach something that I was having a hard time doing.  It was also during this time that we started looking to buy a house. So we kind of just quit going to church.  When we actually moved I had no problem just staying home.

I felt so out of place going to church. I felt as if I didn’t belong.  Even now years after I started going back I feel out of place. I hate trying to teach primary, because I feel I don’t belong there.  I struggle with so many of the simple things.

There are many things that I never quit believing. I am a person that makes decisions based on emotion. People talk about logic and about being able to touch and see things. That isn’t me. I am such an emotional person. I have to feel that something is right, and feel that something is wrong.  There are things that I see so differently now than I use to.

There are so many things that I want to say, but I just don’t know how.

Here is one of my favorite songs. Heaven by Live

Just Thinking

(My dad, sister, brother, and me)

 In about three weeks, it will be ten years since my dad passed away. I still have no idea how I feel about it. The only thing that has ever really made me miss him, has been trying to deal with my grandpa that has dementia. I have often wondered how things would be if he had never gotten sick. I also wondered how things would be if he had survived the cancer. I wish that putting everything that is bottled up into words was possible, but it isn't. My dad was not my favorite person, he was not someone that I could talk to, and most of the time he didn't understand who I was. However because of what he was, I became who I am, for good or bad.

(My dad's favorite past-time)

(I am not sure when this picture was taken, I don't know if it was after he got sick, or not)

Kate's 2nd Birthday!

Kate had her birthday last weekend, and we celebrated all weekend! Saturday we met all of Kate's cousins at Wheeler Farm. She had a blast! She loved animals, and she loved playing with her cousins! Once she was done sitting in her stroller, she wanted to push it! She found a horse her size, she thought that was funny. She found the big horses, she didn't want to leave them! Hanging out with all the cousins as they came! One of her cousins playing on the tractor Playing on the playground & eating cookies! Sorry this one is blurring, but it was too funny not to put up. On Sunday first thing we opened birthday presents, mom couldn't wait anymore!! Than we sluffed church (bad I know), and went to a park for a picnic, it was such a beautiful day! Kate trying to hide from the camera she didn't want her picture taken. We than went to Grandpa & Grandma Oaks for dinner. She got to open a couple more presents, and had yummy ice cream & cupcakes! My little girl is no longer a baby

Feeling very discouraged

I have been running for about a month now. I haven't lost any weight at all. Maybe I need to go talk to my doctor. I have achy sore muscles, I am tired and warn out. I haven't lost anything, I haven't lost weight, I haven't lost inches. What is the point of all of this if nothing is changing? I feel very beaten down, right now I just want to quit.