Year End And A New Theme

I know this is a little early, but things are busy, so I figured I would do it tonight.

This year my theme for the year has been : Live Authentically. Personally I'd say I did well at it. I am not perfect by any means, but I am doing better then I had been. I have been doing better at standing up for myself, and I have been doing better at saying no. I have also been taking more time for myself. I get so wound up that taking time away for a little while isn't selfish, it is necessary so that I can care for my family.

So next year's theme is one I borrowed (slightly), from a quote by Henry David Thoreau in Walden. The quote from Thoreau is  "I wanted to live deep and suck out all the marrow of life".

My theme for 2014 is: Live Passionately & Deeply

We spend so much of our time working to survive. I don't want to work to survive. I want to live. I want to enjoy the wonders, and the beauties. I want to break traditions, I want to create something new, and I want to dive deeper into my life. There is so much out there, so many people that I don't get to spend enough time with, so many people that I have to spend too much time with. 

I know I am already an impassioned person, so living my life passionately should be a no-brainer. The problem is I worry about what others will think of me, and I let the fear of the unknown hold me back. I have let the judgments of others rule my actions.

I believe that this is just another way for me to live my life more authentically.

       

Getting To Know Me: Music (and a little about books)

For me music and books are both endless. The list of the music and the books I like could go on forever. My taste in both books and music are eclectic.
When it comes to music I can listen to just about anything, I am not a huge heavy metal or rap fan, but there are some songs in both genres that I like especially in the right mood. For instance tonight I was frustrated at somethings going on, and I needed to get a couple of things done. So I needed to calm down and relax. I turned off my phone, plugged my iPod into some speakers, and I turned on my classical play list. I then cranked up the volume (Kraig ended up taking Kate downstairs and shutting the door to the TV room). With Russian Sailors Dance up full blast, and the music engulfing me, I was able to calm down and relax.
I know the songs that will make me mad, I  know the songs that make me sad, I know the songs that calm me down, I know the songs that are apart of me. Music is a part of my soul, I need it as much as I need water, air, food, and books. If I don't have the option of blaring it from speakers, then I will put headphones in and letting the music swirl around my head.
In junior high and high school I played in the high school orchestra, I was not good. I was alright, I wasn't super talented, but I tried hard. I had a few things working against me, like my dad hated me practicing and I couldn't afford to take private lessons. Everything I did, I did on my own. There are so many times that I miss that hour a day of having to play music, and listening to the intricate workings of a musical piece hearing the melodies and harmonies coming together to make something complete. I miss that one hour a day I had the chance to spend in the one class that actually helped me relax and didn't usually stress me out.
I still have my violin, and I even take it out from time to time to play, but I seem to have gotten worse at playing since I haven't done it regularly in over a decade (sad). However the music I have never really forgotten, and I love it.

Getting To Know Me: Fall, Wind, and Being Connected

Fall: I love fall. It is one of my favorite times of the year. I love all the colors and the beauty of it. I love that everything is made with pumpkin; well almost everything, there are somethings that shouldn't have pumpkin in it. I love the crisp air. I love all the apples! I love Halloween with Kate! It is the time when things are "dying" and hibernating, it is a new beginning dressed as an ending. It is a time when we allow ourselves to enjoy life as a little kid. The one and only thing I dislike about fall is the fact that it means snow is right around the corner.

Wind: I hate the wind. I don't mind a little breeze, but full on wind scares me. Wind can cause so much damage, and cause so much havoc. I have the hardest time sleeping when the wind is blowing like crazy. I wish there was some where I could move that there was no major wind.

Being Connected: In the last year or so I feel like I am constantly connected to everyone. I hate it. There are so many times I just want to turn my phone off and leave it off for a week or more. I hate feel like I have to have my phone with me all the time. I hate that we get sucked into Facebook, Reddit, blogs, and other things that we ignore the people sitting in front of us. I try very hard to just put my phone away when I am having dinner, or talking to friends. Sometimes if I get an idea I will look stuff up, and sometimes if I am with friends I will check the time, and I will also make sure that I didn't miss a important message from Kraig (since he is probably home with Kate, and has no car). There are so many times I will be out and see parents paying more attention to their phones then the kids, friends busy texting others instead of listening, spouses that are ignoring each other because they are on Facebook. There is a quote credited to Einstein that I think sums it up very well, and sadly I think that the day he is talking about it here. “I fear the day technology will surpass our human interaction. The world will have a generation of idiots.” ~Albert Einstein

Getting To Know Me: Coming out of my closet

I ran across a TEDx Talk of a woman talking about coming out of the closet. I loved her view. There are two things she says that touch me deeply. One is that hard is hard, and that we need to quit trying to one up each other. The other is that we are all in closets, and a closet is no place for anybody to live.



Growing up, I was in a constant state of flight for fight. Some of what she talks about hit so close to home for me because of that. I was constantly trying to hide what my home life was like to the outside world. Now I am learning to let go of those things, and live authentically.

Getting to Know Me: Baking...Plus a couple of random things

I hate baking. For a very short time I liked baking, then it became one of my chores. I had to make cookies three or four times a week, this started this around the time I was 12. I was finally able to quit doing it when I got a job at 16. I love making easy throw together desserts like trifles or dump cakes. However, I am not a huge fan of making cookies or cakes from scratch anymore. If I do I usually don't eat it, and give it away, which can drive Kraig a little nuts sometimes.
I have said before that I don't really cook either. I am not great at it, but I am not bad. I keep thinking I should take a cooking class. I the only thing is if I do this I want to do it with someone. The thing is, whoever I took the class would have to really know me. I am not talking about a superficial friendship, but someone that gets me, that knows my weird side, that understands my quiet side, and that can handle my hyper side. Unfortunately that leaves only a handful people...

My birthday is this week. I use to really hate my birthday, some of it was I always got exactly what I asked for growing up, clothes and books. Always knowing every year exactly what you are getting kills any element of surprise that maybe part of birthdays. Plus I am one of those people that believes in shopping for the person you are getting a present for. Which means I don't get them what I want, I get them things they would like and enjoy, or I give them gift cards because that is what they would like. A few years ago I decided I deserved to celebrate my birthday. I deserved to celebrate the life I have. I usually don't do anything big, last year a few friends, Kraig and I went out to dinner, this year a couple of days after my birthday I am hosting a game night with a few of my friends. I am excited that I get the chance to do this. All I want is a chance to spend time with friends, laugh, and celebrate what I have.

Best Christmas present ever!!

Lastly, I love books. I know I have said this before. I love that they an be an escape and away to heal.

Getting to Know Me: A Few Surprising Facts About Me

I have decided to do a weekly post (or at least close to weekly) on getting to know me. I will still do random posts about our life and things going on too.

I have always been a deeply emotional person. I feel somethings with such depth that it can very difficult. When I was in high school, I was in a place that I felt consumed by fear. By the time I graduated, I was in a constant state of defense. I was so stressed out I would look at food and want to throw up, I was so skinny it was kind of scary. I knew I had to move out of my house. After talking to one of my uncles, and arranging things with him, I was going to move into his and one of my other uncles house. I told my mom I was doing it, but I never told my dad, or my siblings. I didn't want either of my to tell my dad. A few days after talking to my uncle I moved out. I was about a month away from my 19th birthday. The day I moved out my dad was at work, and while my uncles were helping me pack my stuff in my car, and a few things in their cars, my sister call my dad and told my dad at work that I was moving out. He was so mad. For the next month or so I lived with my uncles, and then I moved from Salt Lake to St. George and moved in with my grandparents. Again, I told my mom, but I didn't tell my dad or my siblings. I am not sure when my mom told my dad that I had moved to St. George.
During the month or so that I was living with my uncles, if I had a night off work and I didn't know if my uncles would be home, I would drive around the valley. I did not want to be home alone, because I didn't want my dad to show up and not have my uncles around.

This is a song that I love, and in a lot of way it describes how I felt when I moved out.


In high school, I was pretty much on of the "good" girls, but I wasn't quite perfect enough to be a "Molly Mormon". So a couple of months after my 21st birthday, I did something that kind of surprised a lot of people that knew me. I eloped to Vegas (there is a very long story behind this, so if you want to know my side, just let me know). We were married by the Justice of the Peace, and we had pulled our witnesses off the street. The really crazy thing was I married a guy I had never really dated. We had hung out a lot, and he was one of my best friends, but never officially dated. This year will be our 13th wedding anniversary.

I once tried to take a class at Dixie College while I was living in St. George. It was just fitness, but I failed it. I also decided that since I had no idea what I should do with my life, I wasn't going to waste money going to school until I knew what I wanted. Now I still have no idea what I want to do, and I have never gone back to school. I am not where I thought I would end up, but I never really knew what I wanted to be, so I had no real directions to begin with. Plus now I have changed so much from who I was in high school, that I am not sure I would still have the same dreams I had then.

A Few Random Things

I heard a rumor today, that I am really hoping that is untrue, or doesn't happen. I heard that it is supposed to start snowing in the higher elevations tomorrow. I don't want it to snow! I love Fall, and I love Spring, I am not a fan of the snow. However I prefer the cold. I don't do well in heat. There is a lot more you can do to get warm than to get cool.

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I am tired of the wind. I really hate the wind. I swear the wind has been blowing a lot more the last few years during Spring and Fall than I remember it doing when I was in high school.

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There is a random movie goof up, that I can't help but notice every time I was watch it now! In the 1995 "Sense & Sensibility" with Emma Thompson and Hugh Grant. Elinor and Maryanne are trying to get home from London. They are traveling with the Palmer's to their home, and then they are supposed to continue home with Colonel Brandon. When they get to the Palmer's, Maryanne goes for a walk. Elinor was keeping an eye on Maryanne from in the house. Maryanne disappears, and it start to rain hard.Colonel Brandon goes to find Maryanne. Elinor is standing by the window watching for her when Mr. Palmer (Hugh Laurie) hands Elinor a cup of tea, and says something to the effect of: Colonel Brando will find her, but they can guess where she went. Then Mrs. Palmer hands an empty handed Elinor a cup of tea.
Now when you watch the movie you will see it too, and maybe it will drive you as nuts as it drives me!

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This week is Banned Book Week. I don't believe in banning books. I believe that people (including kids) should have the right to the books they want. I will say that I do believe Erotic Fiction should be kept out of school libraries, but other than that I don't see a reason to limit the rights of kids. I understand that some parents don't want their kids to read something, and that should be something between parent and child. I don't think because a parent or two get offended by something that they should keep other peoples kids from reading books.
Banning books is not really about "protecting kids", it's about keeping information from people, which is a violation of their rights. Other governments and some religions will only allow their people to read what they approve. It is away to keep people from questioning, and it keeps people from learning. We live in a country where we have a lot of freedoms that many other countries don't have. We are taking away those freedoms by banning books. If you don't like a book, don't read it. If you don't want your kids to read it, talk to them. If it is required reading talk to their teacher, most teachers will assign them a different book to read while the class reads the book.
Here is the top 10 books that have been either banned or challenged in 2012.

·  Captain Underpants (series), by Dav Pilkey.

·  The Absolutely True Diary of a Part-Time Indian, by Sherman Alexie.

·  Thirteen Reasons Why, by Jay Asher.

·  Fifty Shades of Grey, by E. L. James.

·  And Tango Makes Three, by Peter Parnell and Justin Richardson.

·  The Kite Runner, by Khaled Hosseini.

·  Looking for Alaska, by John Green.

·  Scary Stories (series), by Alvin Schwartz

·  The Glass Castle, by Jeanette Walls

·  Beloved, by Toni Morrison

The only book on this list I don't think should be in schools is Fifty Shades, I think that is the only book that is not suitable for kids under the age of 18.
In 2012 there was a total of 464 books challenged. That is a whole lot of books!

An Explanation

The last several weeks have been kind of rough for me. Partly due to things that have been happening, and partly due to things going on in my head (don't worry, I am not going to explain what is going on in my head). With several of the things that have been happening, I have decided there was one major change I had to make.

I have decided that I don't need to be reachable 24/7. If someone can't get a hold of me, oh well. I have the right to be away from my phone, or out of cell range. I also have the right to not answer it if I don't want, or if I am busy doing something else. I hate talking on the phone. I prefer text and email. Talking on the phone causes anxiety for me. I know there are several people out there that don't understand this, and that's fine they don't need to understand, all they need to know is that if I don't want to answer my phone I am not going to. I have also started turning my cell phone off at night again. If something happens in the middle of the night, I will do much better at handling whatever it is in the morning after some sleep. Also if you call my phone, and I don't answer, don't expect me to call you back if you don't leave a voice mail. I assume that if it wasn't important enough for you to leave me a message, then I don't need to call you back.

The Persuasion Movies

This is my review of two of the Persuasion movies based on the Jane Austen novel. Really quick I will mention the 1971 version, all I can say for that version is it seems dry to me. I have a hard time with it.

As for the two movies I am going to review, I am going to do a side by side comparison of the two. I love both movies for very different reasons. The 1995 version follows the book a little better than the 2008 version, but they both have very good things about them. 

First the characters.

Anne is played by Amanda Root (1995) and Sally Hawkins (2008). Amanda Root does a good job at playing Anne, in a lot of ways she fits the character description from the book. She seems a little old for the character, but she fits well with Ciaran Hinds who plays Wentworth (more on him later). Sally Hawkins, I find myself loving her and hating her as Anne. I think she is kind of pretty, and she plays Anne well, but there is just something about her that doesn't sit well with me, and I can't really say what. I don't really have a favorite between these two. I really like them both, but they both have things about them that seem off.

Mary is played by Sophie Thompson (1995) and Amanda Hale (2008).  I like Sophie Thompson as Mary, she does a very great job. She plays the prideful, snobby sister very well. It is a little over played in some places, but it isn't bad.  I think Amanda is pretty, and she does an alright job, but Mary in this version comes off more petty, and ridiculous, so she comes off as fake, and almost dumb.

Lady Russell is played by Susan Fleetwood (1995). In this version Lady Russell seems to be unbending and very strict. She does a good job at playing her, and she comes off as very elegant. In the 2008 version Lady Russell is played by Alice Krige. In this version Lady Russell seems more apologetic but still seems to want to push Anne in the direction she thinks is best without really listening to what Anne wants. I like both of them as Lady Russell, they both even look a little alike, but I think my favorite is Susan Fleetwood.

The Musgrove sisters: In the 1995 version Emma Roberts plays Louisa, and Victoria Hamilton plays Henrietta. In this version the two sisters seem to be more grounded, and not so silly. In the 2008 version Jennifer Higham plays Louisa, and Rosamund Stephen plays Henrietta. In this one they seem almost like silly school girls, they don't appear as often as they do in the other version. I like Emma & Victoria better as the sisters, they seem more like real sisters.

Charles Musgrove is played by Simon Russell Beale (1995), and Sam Hazeldine (2008). I love Simon as Charles. He seems to fit the part very well, and his character seems grounded more. He also seems to fit very well with Sophie Thompson. I find Sam's character to be flighty and also ridiculous. He does alright, but I think I just prefer Simon Russell Beale's portrayal of Charles better.

Sir Walter Elliot is played by Corin Redgrave (1995), and Anthony Head (2008). Even though you aren't suppose to really like Sir Walter, I find myself not liking Anthony Head as Sir Walter at all. I find Corin Redgrave does a much better job at being vain and facetious. Anthony Head does a great job of being arrogant and prideful, but it seems wrong. 

Elizabeth Elliot is played by Phoebe Nicholls (1995), and Julia Davis (2008). I like Phoebe Nicholls as Elizabeth much better. She is very pretty. She also seems more elegant and refined, maybe a little younger than Elizabeth is suppose to be, but I like her better than I like Julia Davis. Julia's Elizabeth seems a little too old, and not refined enough.

Admiral Croft is played by John Woodvine (1995) and Peter Wright (2008). This one I like both portrayals, but I think John Woodvine seems to fit better as the Admiral. He seems more like an Admiral in the Navy, than Peter Wright did.

Mrs. Croft is played by Fiona Shaw (1995) and Marion Bailey (2008). I love Fiona Shaw as Mrs. Croft. I think she does a great job, and the natural chemistry between her and John Woodvine makes her character seem more real. Marion does a good job as well, but it just seems off to me. I promise it is not because I love Harry Potter either. I actually hate Fiona Shaw's character in Harry Potter.

Quick note on Captain Harville , I like both actors that play him. However I think Joseph Mawle's (2008) character seems to know Captain Wentworth's history better. They seem in some ways a lot closer friends. Even though in the 1995 version you can't mistake the fondness that Captain Wentworth as for Captain Harville.

 Now for Captain Wentworth. Captain Wentworth is played by Ciaran Hinds (1995) and Rupert Penry-Jones. This one is hard. I love Ciaran Hinds as Captain Wentworth, but I also love Rupert. Ciaran Hinds seems to fit with a Navy Captain more. Rupert Penry-Jones has the contempt and resentfulness down well. Rupert Penry-Jones is super cute too. I love them both as Captain Wentworth, and I think they both do a great job. I think that both men do great portrayals of the Captain, and you can see why Anne is still in love with him.

There are a few scenes that I love out of both movies.

There is a scene in between Rupert Penry-Jones and Sally Hawkins. Anne is playing the piano, and Captain Wentworth stands quietly and watches her. I wish that the longer he stood and watched, the look on his face would change to a more upset look instead of complete contempt. He is supposed to still love her, and in this scene it just make is look like he is completely angry with her. Which he is angry, but I still kind of wish they could have softened the look a little.

There is a scene right after Louisa's accident in Lyme. I keep going back and forth on this. I like the scene in both movies, but in the 2008 version I think that Captain Wentworth and Anne should say something on the ride to the Musgroves. They just stare at each other. 

There is the scene where Anne and Captain Wentworth run into each other for the first time in Bath. I love the scene between Rupert and Sally. The scene between Ciaran and Amanda I also love, but it also bothers me a little because of Mr. Elliot.

There is a scene before the concert, and in the 1995 movie, I love it. It is the first time Captain Wentworth actually talks to Anne, and tells her any of his feelings.

Than the scene during the concert (in both movies), where Captain Wentworth gets mad at walks out. I hate it, it makes me sad.

In both movies there is a scene where Captain Wentworth has a "commission" from the Admiral. I like the scene in the 2008 movie better. In the 1995 version Anne is already very agitated, and is not able to tell Captain Wentworth anything, especially since Lady Russell walks in. In the 2008 movie, Anne is also agitated a little bit, but more from the thought of talking to Captain Wentworth more than anything else, so in this one she is able to tell him that the Admiral was misinformed and that the information is not true. 

Which brings me to the letter scenes. The letter scene for the 1995 movie follows the book very well, and I love it!! The letter scene for the 2008 movie kind of drives me crazy. Anne is trying to chase down Captain Wentworth but everyone keeps getting in her way or stops her. It almost makes me dizzy to watch her running trying to catch him.

Now once they catch up with Captain Wentworth, in both movies the kiss seems to take forever for them to actually kiss, why?? After eight and a half years, I don't think it would take that long for two people to kiss each other. 

However I adore the ending of the 2008 movie,which doesn't follow the book. The only thing about it that bugs me, is her giggle, I think it is a little high pitched for my taste. However the rest of it, I love. It seems to fit. I also love that they end up dancing on the lawn.

Just A Random Fact About Me

I am a passionate person. I feel things deeply. Whether it is the Scorpio in me, or just simply my nature, I don't know.

What this means is, when I am happy I am very happy. When I am sad, I am miserable. When I am angry, I can be extremely angry. It is why I can miss a person that I saw only a few hours ago. It is why I can become so attached to people, or stories, or even characters. It also means that when I mess up, and I owe someone an apology it eats at me until I can give it.

Which brings me to the reason for this post. A little more than 17 years ago, I accidentally hurt someone. In the process really hurting myself. I owe this person a very big apology. Nothing major happened. I didn't truly listen to this person, or my gut feeling, the last time I saw them. I can't seem to find him online, and it is starting to drive me crazy. I hate that I hurt this person. He may not even remember it, but it doesn't matter, because I do.

So to Mike K. I am sorry for how things went the last time I saw you in Cottonwood Mall, and I owe you an apology in person, I truly hope one day I can give it to you.

My top five rankings of the many Mr. Rochesters from Jane Eyre

Here is my top five rankings of Mr. Rochester from Jane Eyre. There are at least three other movies, probably more, but these are the five that I liked the most. Even though I have heard that Orson Wells does well too.

#5 Ciaran Hinds - In this version of Jane Eyre the script does not follow the book, almost at all. It is very cheesy, and I laughed at it more than it was supposed to. Ciaran is one of the few that closely resembles the character in the book, and he is a great actor, but his mustache looked so odd on him. I found myself wondering if it was real, often. The emotions in this version are a little dry, but they aren't completely lacking. On a side note, Ciaran Hinds is great as Capt. Wentworth in Persuasion.

#4 William Hurt - William looks nothing like the book description, but he does a great job. I love the scene right after the fire scene in this one. This version is better at following the book, but it is hard to fit a 500 page book into a two hour movie. There is a lot of emotion in this version, and it helps to explain a few things better.

#3 Timothy Dalton - Timothy is another that resembles the character in the book. He does such a great job of being "changeful & moody". This version is an eleven episode made for TV mini series by BBC, so this version follows the book a lot closer than the regular movies.

#2 Michael Fassbender - At first I didn't like him as much as I liked Timothy Dalton, however he has grown on me. I love how well he plays the moody part. I love the emotion in this version. Mia Wasikowska does great at playing the passionate Jane.

#1 Toby Stephens - I just recently watched this version. I feel in love with it. It is another BBC mini series, and the total run time is about 4 hours.It follows the book fairly well, but they do change some of the dialog, but it seems natural.Toby Stephens does such a great job at playing Mr. Rochester, he comes off as passionate, and real. I love how almost tangible the chemistry between Mr. Rochester and Jane is. Ruth Wilson also does a great job at playing Jane in this. This is my favorite version of the story, as well as my favorite Mr. Rochester. I also adore the ending of this, which funny enough does not follow the book completely, but it is by far the best ending.

For Reasons I Can't Explain

A Little Catching Up

I did the Color Me Rad Run on Saturday, I walked the whole thing, but I did it. It was fun. It was also a much needed distraction from all the craziness that has been going on. I swear that every time I get one thing figured out something else happens.
About a year ago, I hit my stress wall, literally. One day I couldn't think. I couldn't concentrate. I was having a super hard time remembering things, I would be doing something and completely forget what I was doing, it became a black hole. Plus all I wanted to do was sleep and if I sat still long enough I would nod off.
At the time I didn't know what was wrong, I went to the doctor thinking I was just dehydrated. The doctor in the urgent care ran several tests, and couldn't figure out what was wrong. They had me make an appointment to see my regular doctor a few days later. When I went in, and my doctor had looked over all the test that were run (the urgent care and my doctors office are all part of the same clinic, it is fabulous!). She asked me several questions, which included a couple of questions about my current stress level, when she heard some of what was going on she gave me a anxiety/depression test. My anxiety and depression were so high that she was a little worried. She put me on a low dose of a medication that would help with both the anxiety and the depression, by just taking the edge off of things. I had to go in a few times to kind of tweak the medication to get it to work better for me.
Unfortunately I am not sure it is still quite right, but my doctor had to quit practicing due to her own health issues. Plus around the time my doctor quit, my insurance company tried to say that my issues were a pre-existing condition. I hate insurance, it causes so much stress for me! The reason all this started was because I had a whole bunch of things dropped on me. I also had so much going on, and I was trying to do too much. I didn't know how to do everything, nobody was there to teach me, and I was expected to know all the answers. A year later, and I still don't know all the answers, but I am managing. I also quit doing so much, I started putting myself first. If I can't do it, I won't. If I don't take care of myself, I can't take care of anyone else. I will say no when people ask me to do somethings. If I feel it is not going to help me, or help my family, I won't do it. If I feel it will take time away from my family, I won't do it. I don't feel guilty about it either.

I found a counselor, that my insurance covered, and started seeing her. Now, just as things seem to be settling in, things have started to go crazy again. One day one of the ladies I work with came in and asked me why she got a notice saying our insurance was cancelled. I had to email our CEO to find out what was going on, turns out they decided to change insurance companies, but hadn't told anyone that it was being done. The really sad thing is, I am the one that has to enter the bills, and mail out the checks...So after getting new insurance that wasn't very good, I found out my new insurance no longer covered my counselor, and Kate broke her arm, again. The good news was thankfully my counselor was willing to work with me on payment, and I am still going, just not as often as I would have liked to be going.
Shortly after that my grandpa Patrick was put into the hospital due to issues from his dementia. He is to the point he no longer knows what year it is, he started to forget little things like eating and showering. He spent about four or five weeks in the hospital. He was than taken to a nursing home, because he is no longer able to live at home alone. He rarely remembers who any one is, and often confuses people with people from his past. Just as I think things with this are starting to work out, the nursing home is saying they can't care for him, that he needs one on one help.
 Plus in the middle of all of that my job has cut my pay, but $3.00 an hour. Last week, due to the new insurance being so crappy, not as many people signed up as they thought would and the original quote was based off of, my work cancelled our insurance. We were given two weeks notice that we will no longer be insured, and to rub it in, we still have to have it taken out of our checks until the beginning of next month, because they were taking the money out late basically.

I have been making a few changes, I am no longer allowing people to walk over me. I am standing up for myself more often. I am weeding out the people and things in my life that cause stress that I don't need, I won't be able to get rid of all stress, but I don't have to live with constant stress. I am not pushing myself past my limits anymore. I am here to live for me, I don't need to prove anything to anyone else. I am not going to be something I am not, just because someone thinks I need to be something, doesn't mean that is me. I am slowly learning to let things go. I don't need to keep holding onto things that no longer serve to lift me. Nobody else has the right to tell me who I am, or what I am, or what I will be. Years ago I quit dreaming, and now I am working on finding my new dream.
"One day I decided that I was beautiful, and so I carried out my life as if I was a beautiful girl. It doesn’t have anything to do with how the world perceives you. What matters is what you see.” ~Gabourey Sidibe

Prayers, Good Vibes, & Good Thoughts...Please

This morning, a friend from high school lost his daughter. She has been fighting leukemia for almost 4 years. She was such a happy little girl, and had a beautiful outlook on life. She will be missed by everyone that knew her, and has been following her story.

Things Nobody Tells You

 Nobody tells you that being a mom is always more work than fun. Nobody tells you that being a mom is seriously stressful. Nobody tells you that being a mom is never as easy as most women make it seem. Nobody ever tells you, that when you are bi-polar, being a mom is 100 million times harder than it is for most women.

 I wish someone could have told me what being a parent was really like before I became one. I also wish someone could have told me that a little more then a year ago due to a medication I was on, it would definitely trigger bi-polar two. I love my daughter, I would never give her up. However I wish someone could have been honest about being a parent. All I heard before having my daughter was that being a parent was the best thing, and that kids are so fulfilling. I heard that two and threes could be a little hard. The truth was, Kate screamed for the first three and a half months. She is stubborn. She tests my patients, and has since almost the day she was born. When she tries to be super independent when we are in a hurry can drive any parent crazy. She thinks things are suppose to work a certain way, and when they don't she gets mad. She will get mad when you do what she demands. She will get mad when you don't do what she demands. She will meltdown when you do what she wants, and when she doesn't want it at the same time. She will get so silly that she starts getting mad. At times she has a very fine line between being very happy, and melting down. She has never been mellow. She has never sat still. She has always had to move constantly, to the point when she was really little she had to be held all the time, and she wouldn't let you sit still. I wish someone could have told me just how honestly hard being a mom is, at least then I could have gone in with more understanding. Babies are not easy, and mine was not fun most of the time.

Now that I have been a mom for three years, I can honestly say I could NEVER be a stay at home mom. I would either go crazy, or I would probably hurt someone. There are times I think I could do it and I feel guilty for being a working mom, than I spend a few hours with Kate by myself when she and I are both having a bad day. Being a stay at home mom, would not work for me. When I say I don't want another child because I can't handle it, please understand I mentally can NOT handle another little kid. It doesn't matter if second child is different, different doesn't mean better. When they are super little, they may not play with each other. There are some kids that won't play with kids that are younger than they are. Trying to convince me that I need a second child just makes me frustrated. I know me. I know what I can handle and I know that another child would cause me to break completely. That isn't fair to me, it isn't fair to Kate, it isn't fair to Kraig, and it would not be fair to that child. I have my bi-polar mostly under control, but that doesn't mean I don't get frustrated. It also means that someone that has never dealt with the frustration that comes from bi-polar can never understand where I am. You can't teach, what you don't know or understand.

I love my daughter, most days I have a hard time with her, but there are days that she can show me the beautiful world as she sees it. There are so many things about her I do not want to have change. I love her curiosity. I love her imagination. I love her eagerness to learn as much as she can. I love that she is wild, and crazy (I just can't always handle it).

Here is a little about Bi-Polar 2 (from Bipolar Disorder Symptoms):
Bipolar 2 disorder is a milder type of bipolar disorder than the classic form of “manic-depression”, now known as bipolar 1 disorder. Although the mood of a person with bipolar type 2 disorder cycles between a “low” or depressed state, and an elevated or “high” state, they do not get the severe symptoms of full mania such as hallucinations and delusions. Instead they go through episodes of a milder type of mania, called “hypomania,” with comparatively mild symptoms. But the symptoms of bipolar 2 disorder – also known as bipolar II and bipolar type 2 disorder – can still be severely disruptive, and may make normal life almost impossible until the symptoms pass.
You can read more at their website at http://www.bipolar-disordersymptoms.org/bipolar-2/

Now just for fun, a few pictures of Kate. Some are old, and some are not.

Kate is Three!!

Sorry for the blurring picture, it is actually from a cell phone video.

Kate turned three today! It is crazy at how fast time flies! Here are some fun facts about Kate:
*She loves animals
*She doesn't care at all if she gets dirty. She could be covered head to toe.
*She doesn't have a favorite color, and I don't mind that.
*She loves most fruit, but doesn't like candy. Veggies it completely depends.
*She loves books, and she loves to read. For reading she usually makes up long stories to go with the pictures.
*She loves to play outside. She would play outside all day long if we let her.
*She likes jumping on Asher's "jumpoline".
*She likes slides as long as they aren't too high, and they aren't tubes, and they aren't really fast.
*She likes to swing, including by holding onto a bar and using her arms to suspend herself (she apparently has strong arms, she has been able to do this since before she was two).
*She love princesses.
*She loves to play in water, but does not like her face getting wet.
*She is scared of loud noises, and some loud noises are worse than others.
*She loves people, she will usually try to say hi to everyone she sees, she is rarely shy.
*Her best friend is Asher, followed close behind by Titus our dog.
*She loves to be independent, but she thankfully does not change her clothes a dozen or more times a day.
*She has crazy hair, that never looks like I brush it, but it gets brushed all the time, and she likes it crazy.
*She loves to have her stories read to her. It is one of the few times she sits still, at least for a minute.

Time goes by so fast, it is so crazy!

Equality

I know that I have a lot of family and friends that disagree with me on this. However, I feel the need to state my mind on this.
Please be patient with me as I stumble my way through making my points. I have a lot to say, and I am not sure how to get it all out.
 I support gay marriage. I do not believe that those who are gay, choose to be gay. I believe people fall in love.
I have heard so many stories of boys figuring out they were gay, while in fifth or sixth grade. I do not believe that those boys would go through the literal torture of being constantly teased, just to rebel. (Trust me, I have first hand experience of being bullied for one reason or another, it is pure torture.)
I don't see a problem with people who are gay getting married, because it doesn't hurt me. It doesn't hurt my family. I don't care if one day I have to explain to Little Miss why someone has two mom's or two dads. I am more afraid of trying to explain abuse to her.
I view same sex marriages as a civil rights issue. I do not believe that we have the right to tell others who they can and can not love.
It bothers me so much that there are so many people, who can not accept others for who they are. I am not going to change who I am to make someone else happy, and I don't believe anyone else should have to either.
A friend of my worded it far better than I can right now:
"Do you really believe in freedom? For everyone? Or just the people who want to live how YOU believe is best? Equality is deep and tricky. It takes a great deal of unselfishness, strength of character, and loyalty to country to allow people to live as they see just, to live their own "pursuit of happiness". So long as no one is harming anyone else, let freedom TRULY ring."


Image was stolen from the internet. So if the image is yours, sorry.

Understanding

I get migraines. I have been getting them since I was 14. I have a lot of triggers that are mental. Meaning, the more stressed I am, or the more upset or anxious I am, the more likely I am to get one.
I wish more people understood what a migraine was. It isn't simply a headache. So hear is what a migraine is and some of the symptoms, this is from the US National Library of Medicine:

Migraine

Headache - migraine

Last reviewed: December 14, 2011.

A migraine is a common type of headache that may occur with symptoms such as nausea, vomiting, or sensitivity to light. In many people, a throbbing pain is felt only on one side of the head.

Some people who get migraines have warning symptoms, called an aura, before the actual headache begins. An aura is a group of symptoms, including vision disturbances, that are a warning sign that a bad headache is coming.

See also:

• Cluster headache  
• Tension headache

Causes, incidence, and risk factors

Migraine headaches tend to first appear between the ages of 10 and 45. Sometimes they may begin later in life.

• Migraines occur more often in women than men
• Migraines may run in families
• Some women, but not all, may have fewer migraines when they are pregnant

A migraine is caused by abnormal brain activity, which can be triggered by a number of factors. However, the exact chain of events remains unclear. Today, most medical experts believe the attack begins in the brain, and involves nerve pathways and chemicals. The changes affect blood flow in the brain and surrounding tissues.

Alcohol, stress and anxiety, certain odors or perfumes, loud noises or bright lights, and smoking may trigger a migraine. Migraine attacks may also be triggered by:

• Caffeine withdrawal
• Changes in hormone levels during a woman's menstrual cycle or with the use of birth control pills
• Changes in sleep patterns
• Exercise or other physical stress
• Missed meals
• Smoking or exposure to smoke

Migraine headaches can be triggered by certain foods. The most common are:

• Any processed, fermented, pickled, or marinated foods, as well as foods that contain monosodium glutamate (MSG)
• Baked goods, chocolate, nuts, peanut butter, and dairy products
• Foods containing tyramine, which includes red wine, aged cheese, smoked fish, chicken livers, figs, and certain beans
• Fruits (avocado, banana, citrus fruit)
• Meats containing nitrates (bacon, hot dogs, salami, cured meats)
• Onions

This list may not include all triggers.

True migraine headaches are not a result of a brain tumor or other serious medical problem. However, only an experienced health care provider can determine whether your symptoms are due to a migraine or another condition.

Symptoms

Vision disturbances, or aura, are considered a "warning sign" that a migraine is coming. The aura occurs in both eyes and may involve any or all of the following:

• A temporary blind spot
• Blurred vision
• Eye pain
• Seeing stars or zigzag lines
• Tunnel vision

Other warning signs include yawning, difficulty concentrating, nausea, and trouble finding the right words.

Not every person with migraines has an aura. Those who do usually develop one about 10 - 15 minutes before the headache. However, an aura may occur just a few minutes to 24 hours beforehand. A headache may not always follow an aura.

Migraine headaches can be dull or severe. The pain may be felt behind the eye or in the back of the head and neck. For many patients, the headaches start on the same side each time. The headaches usually:

• Feel throbbing, pounding, or pulsating
• Are worse on one side of the head
• Start as a dull ache and get worse within minutes to hours
• Last 6 to 48 hours

Other symptoms that may occur with the headache include:

• Chills
• Increased urination
• Fatigue
• Loss of appetite
• Nausea and vomiting
• Numbness, tingling, or weakness
• Problems concentrating, trouble finding words
• Sensitivity to light or sound
• Sweating

Symptoms may linger even after the migraine has gone away. Patients with migraine sometimes call this a migraine "hangover." Symptoms can include:

• Feeling mentally dull, like your thinking is not clear or sharp
• Increased need for sleep
• Neck pain

Something About Me

I like things simple. I also like the big things in life simple. I see no use for a giant house. I see no use for expensive cars that serve little purpose. If my little family stays small (which is a very big possibility), than I want a house that fits our family, and our needs. I don't need a giant house. Even if I were to become a multimillionaire (which I doubt), I still would not want a big house.
If it were feasible I would move somewhere that is out in open space, but still close to a city so that I would be able to get what I need. I would love to have an acre yard, big enough for Kate and the puppy to run. Somewhere that I could take things slower, instead of constantly running. My life isn't about money. I don't want to become rich. I want to live. I want to enjoy life. I don't care what society thinks I should want, or what it thinks I should need. I want my daughter to have fun, and love life too.

This song expresses my thoughts almost perfectly:

Music, Poems & Books

Have any of you had music, poems and/or books that have just touched you deeply, and you don't know why? I have all the time. It is like one of these things touche a part of my soul. There are so many songs that when they come on, or when I hear them I love them instantly. It doesn't matter if the song gets over played on the radio (usually). There are times that I try to force myself to read a book, but it isn't what my soul wants, so it will take me forever to read it. There are poems that for whatever reason I love instantly. I believe this is why I have such an eclectic taste in music, and books. I believe this is why some people fall in love with some art pieces.
With that said, I also believe that some of this is because the author, the artist, whoever puts a part of themselves into it.
I also believe that since these songs are so much apart of who I am, it is why I stop when they come on the radio, or when my iPod starts playing them.

Here are some of the songs, that for whatever reason I just absolutely love.












There are a lot more, but here are just a few.

Facing Fears

I am not really sure where to start with this. So please have patience with me as I fumble my way through this.

I have been working on a project since around Halloween last year. Unfortunately since Mr. Jerk broke into my house and stole my laptop, my project got put on hold.
My project, is my story. It is an explanation as to why I do somethings, and why I feel the way I do about somethings.
In order for me to tell this story, I have been trying to make myself remember somethings. These things are things I have forgotten on purpose. They are memories that are filled with pain and anger. I have been afraid of facing these things. I am scared that remembering will bring back everything. While I was going to school, I lived in a constant state of fear. I hid it. I hid everything. I didn't want people outside of the situation to know what was going on. Turns out I was really good at hiding my feelings. Now over a decade later, I have buried everything, and I am trying to face some of it.
After a email conversation with a friend I began questioning, what I was afraid of. I realized I am just scared. This fear is because I know for the most part what is hidden, and I know I buried it for a reason. I am worried I am not strong enough to deal with all of it. I am afraid that when I remember one thing, everything will come flooding back.
A friend posted on his blog about breathing. This came at a time when I needed it. My project has been on hold for months. I have been afraid to start it again. I am wondering if this is something that will help me.
Here is a link to his blog. He is such an amazing person, and he has a super cute family!
Pearce On Earth

Respect

Respect is a big thing for me. So it drives me crazy when people cannot or do not respect others. It makes me mad, I don't understand why people cannot respect other people. There are people that I interact with daily that don't have respect for themselves let alone anyone else. Why is there so little respect now? Why is it that people think respect should be earn, when there should be a amount of respect given to a person to begin with? Why would someone want to earn your respect if you treat them like dirt? Why is it that so many adults act like kids and think it is alright?
To me respect and common courtesy go hand in hand. How can you have one with out the other?

I should note that I am not saying that everyone disrespects people all the time, they just have no respect for anyone or anything. In reality my two year old (almost three) has more respect for others than most adults. She doesn't care where they work, or who their friends are. She just loves people. I hope she does not lose this trait.

New Things

We bought a boxer puppy! We get to bring him home in just a few weeks, and I am so excited. I know he is going to be a lot of work, and I know he is going to need a whole dang lot of attention, but it is worth it. Ever since our house was broken into I have had a hard time being home alone. The puppy isn't going to fix this, but it will help make it better. Especially when in about a year he will be close to 80 pounds. I am also looking forward to the dog and Kate wearing each other out.

When we first went to the sellers house, I brought Kate. I wanted to see how the parents and Kate did. The puppies were only a week old, so Kate of course loved them, and they just liked any attention. When I asked the seller if I could bring Kate, she said that was great, she also gave a slight warning. She said that her two year old nephew is a little intimidated by the dad for the first few minutes, due to the size of the dog.
I was a little nervous at how Kate would react since she hasn't been around any big dogs. The dad (Hulk) loved Kate, and Kate had no fear of the dog what so ever. I think she liked Hulk better than the puppies. Probably because we didn't have to tell her to she had be very gentle with the big dogs.
It is kind of hard to see, but here is a picture of the dad. He is probably about 70 pounds now and still growing. He had is head down slightly giving us the "puppy dog look" because he wanted to come play with all of us. He was such a sweet dog. The mom is also super sweet, she is smaller than Hulk though.


We have been debating names. For some reason we have been thinking about the Greek Gods. We have talked about: Ares, Apollo, Hermes, Hephaestus, and Hercules. I have been leaning towards Hercules. Kraig keeps going back and forth. For a while he like Hephaestus.

Here are a few more pictures of him.
This one he is a week old in.


Snuggling with his mama, at about two weeks old.


Playing in the snow for the first time, at about three weeks old.


Kraig holding him when we went to visit him last Saturday.


Puppy taking a nap yesterday, now he is about four weeks old.

It feels like there is so much going on, but I really can't think of what. We just doing our normal thing.