welcome 2011

They say that bad things come in 3's. 
If that is true...then 2011 is going to be a wonderful year. 
Hoping and praying that it's better than the last 3.


Happy New Year!!!

from my family to yours...

Merry Christmas!

from the mouth of babes

Kyla - "Mommy, I know a secret.  It doesn't matter about the presents.  The only thing that matters for Christmas is your family."

Kaylee- "And Jesus.  Family and Jesus are all you need for Christmas."

I knew that I was lucky.  I knew that I had amazing kids.  When we were watching a Christmas movie on the couch last night and my 6 year old twins ran over and whispered that in my ears...it was confirmed. 

tis the season

The Christmas season has once again arrived.  I was surprised that it kinda snuck up on me this year.  I wasn't dreading it like I have the past two years.  Rather than trying to survive the month of December, I am choosing to celebrate it.  And it's not requiring a lot of effort to do that this year.  After years of praying for strength, I feel noticeably stronger and more resilient.  A good confirmation that I am healing.

Our grief counselor asked us what our plans were for celebrating Christmas with family this year.  The truth is, we don't really have any.  Christmas is next week and we have yet to be invited to a family event.  It's likely that we will eventually be invited but I doubt that they expect us to come.  We would like to make an appearance if it works with our plans.  But neither of us want to spend any significant amount of time with family.

Hopefully, if we attend, we will be able to escape criticism for the day.  Family always finds a way to attack us or blame us for their failures to help after Nate died.  We are pretty much viewed as the bad guys now.  Strange that our son died and we are the bad guys, but I completely understand why.  We haven't been attending family events for the past 2 1/2 years.  When someone is absent or not conforming to "the norm" it's easy to view them as the problem.  Weird...but so very true in this situation.  There's even a scripture about people who point out the specks in the eyes of others while avoiding the plank that they have in their own. 

It used to hurt.  A lot.  We can laugh about it now.  The truth is...they are just as broken as we are.  The difference is...we KNOW that we're broken.  And, most importantly, I know that God will explain it all to them someday.  I don't need to. 

an un-planned hiatus

I can't believe that I have been away from blogging for almost 3 months.  WOW!  I never intended on doing that.  Life was spinning out of control so I made a decision to dedicate the time that I had been spending on blogging on God instead.  I started focusing on daily prayer, bible study and devotion.  I was just desperate to break out of the cycle that my life was revolving in. 

Days turned into weeks which turned into months.  Unintentionally.  I can't believe how fast the time has gone by.  I truly miss reading about every one's events and lives.  Walking away from that was really difficult.  It was a daily addiction for me.  Blogging and the wonderful community of people that I have met through this venue have greatly contributed to my healing so it's weird to think that stepping away from that support would allow me to heal even more.  But it has.  God has been trying to teach me a lesson in "being still" for quite a while and I am finally figuring out what that means.   

Thank you to all of you who have continued to pray for me and my family.  Even though I "disconnected", I feel supported.  That is something that I never thought was possible. 

not long enough

Today is our last day of Summer vacation.  Tomorrow, my 4 kids will be off to school.  I always have a tough time with this.  I miss my kids when they are at school.  I much prefer to have them home with me.  This year is especially hard.  My twins are starting Kindergarten.  Now it's official.  I no longer have babies or pre-schoolers.  My kids are growing up and it's happening too fast.  I am not ready for this but I have to learn to embrace this new Season of life that I am facing. 

This Summer has been both good and bad. It was a very cool Summer so I feel a little ripped off.  I think it was the coldest on record in 20 years.  We only made it to the beach 3 times and didn't get very many pool days but, I do have so many wonderful memories.  My kids really are at a fun age and we had a blast doing all sorts of stuff.  Along with the good, we had a multitude of challenges thrown at us.  I honestly never could have imagined that my life would be THIS hard.  Just when I think that I am over the hill and can put on cruise control again, there is another obstacle in front of me.  And the obstacles aren't minor pebbles...they are major boulders. 

It has really lead me to question if I will ever get back to a "happy" life.  A life where I don't have to work so incredibly hard.  A life where I can go for months at a time without  having to deal with major stuff.  Oh, how I long for that but I just don't see it ever happening again. 

This weekend, my devotion was this verse:

Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;  you have made my lot secure.  Psalm 16:5

It was perfect timing.  I need to learn to accept this life that God has assigned me.  I need to become content with who I am and what I have and not let that be defined by present circumstances.  Easier said than done but I am working hard on it.

one proud mama

I just had to share what my kids did last week.  

The organizers of "SOCCER FOR HOPE" ask the kids attending the camp to get donations for pediatric cancer research at CHLA during their week at camp.  My daughter was determined to raise a lot of money but I never guessed that she would raise as much as she did. Last year she worked hard going around our neighborhood and raised $320. I thought that was amazing.





This year she and my son went knocking on doors in our neighborhood EVERY day after soccer camp. They received donations from more than 50 people. I was shocked at how many people that we don't know would give them $10 or $20. One little girl was home alone and even gave them $2 of her own money.  So amazing! In addition to going door to door, my daughter also wrote and sent a handful of emails to a few others (our friend list isn't very long these days).  She only wanted to ask 1 family member.  I think that even she is recognizing that "family" is not a part of our life anymore.




At the end of 4 days she raised $704.   PLUS she asked for a donation from our brand new Chick-fil-A restaurant and got them to donate $300 in food to next years camp. All in all, she (and Noah too) raised

$1,004 in 4 days!!!!

I think that is AMAZING and I am such a proud mama.  I just love that their hearts are leading them to do this.  I can't wait to see what they accomplish in their lives.  I have a feeling that they are going to change the world!!!!

soccer 4 hope

This week, my kids are doing a special soccer camp. 

SOCCER FOR HOPE is an annual soccer camp that is organized by a couple who have been struck hard by cancer.  The husband is a former National team member and current coach for my daughter's club.  He fought his own cancer battle many years ago and is now thriving.  5 years ago his sweet daughter, Abella and son, Hudson (ages 3 and 1) were both hit hard with brain cancer.  Abella is now in remission and one of the happy 8 year old campers this week.  Sadly, Hudson died at age 3 (a couple months after Nate).

The goal of the camp is two-fold.  Rather than focusing on soccer skills and development, its focus is on FUN while teaching the kids about how to reach out and help other kids that are fighting life threatening diseases.  They remind the kids daily about how lucky they are to have their good health and how fortunate they are to be able to run around and play soccer.  It's a lesson that many adults have yet to learn and I am so grateful that these kids are hearing it.  Most importantly, it also raises money for pediatric cancer research at Children's Hospital Los Angeles (same hospital that Nate had his heart surgery at). 

I just love that my kids have been going to this camp for the past 3 years.  Even more, I love that my daughter (and son...but he is more of a prop) are knocking on doors in our neighborhood every night collecting donations for this cause.  My sweet girl has already collected over $340 from people in our neighborhood (and that doesn't include any family). 

This is one of the moments that I am thankful for the path that I am on.  I am thankful that my kids are growing up learning how to help others and I am thankful that they will never take their health for granted!!!

a quote

A dear friend sent me a link to Joy's Hope blog today.  I have never heard of her blog before but she is also a babyloss mama so I felt an immediate connection..

Here's the quote that my friend sent me from a post last week:

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.  - Author unknown


All of the times that someone told me that I was strong when I felt so weak...  All of the times that people told me "God won't give you more than you can handle"...  All of the times that I was criticized and abandoned by people that I cared for...All of the times that I climbed out of bed to face yet another miserable, grief-filled day...All of the times that I sobbed uncontrollably and pleaded to God for mercy...


I can't tell you how much this quote impacted me.

a conversation with a checker

Ever since Nate was diagnosed in-utero with a heart defect almost 3 years ago, I have been afraid of the grocery store checkers.  They always ask "how's it going?" or "are you having a good day?"  I know that they ask those questions of EVERYONE and that they are not sincere.  But, for some reason, I have difficulty responding insincerely.  So, I tend to fear that interaction.

This week, as I was checking out I had a conversation that I never planned on having.  The checker asked me if she could "round up" the total for a donation to some sort of foundation (colon cancer or something).  I responded with a "sure, that would be fine".  She then went on to tell me about an experience that she had had with another customer.  She stood there complaining about someone that, as she said:  "wouldn't even donate 20 cents for a good cause". 

"Well you never know what is going on in someones life that would cause them to do that"...was my response.  She kinda laughed at my comment and looked at the person bagging my items for assurance (probably thinking that I was a little crazy). 

I could have walked away at this point. 
I considered just keeping my mouth shut and minding my own business. 
I told myself that it wasn't my responsibility to educate people on the hardships of life and that I should just worry about my own problems. 
All of the options swirled around in my head during what had to be a 10 second time period of her handing me my receipt. 

So I just took the receipt and left...

I couldn't do it. 
I couldn't just walk away under these circumstances. 
I had to say something. 
I just HAD to.
And I did.

In a sweet and kind voice I explained to the checker that sometimes, people have an experience that prevents them from doing certain things (I still didn't get to her). 

I went on to tell her that I have a hard time donating to CHOC (the children's hospital right in our community that EVERYONE loves and supports).  She looked at me with shock and confusion.  As if the word that I uttered were of another language. 

I further explained that even though they do amazing work and they provide life-saving help for many, many children...I have a hard time giving them my money (she started listening more intently). 

I then went on to say that a mistake that they made caused my son to die (now I had her attention).  I summed it all up by once again saying...
you never know what's going on in someones life and you never know why they make the decisions that they do.

I walked out of that store feeling like I had served my purpose for the day. 

It was a good day.

going with the flow

I guess that's the best way to describe my present attitude. 

Lately, there have been so many things that have come up that are WAY outside of my comfort zone.  Seriously, every week lately seems to bring a new challenge (or two):  people, circumstances, issues and random things. 

Occasionally, I get myself worked up about something but I have mostly just been going with the flow.  So far, it's worked out pretty well.  Just another confirmation that my attempts to control every aspect of my life are not necessary.  I am much better off just sitting back and watching it all play out.  Sometimes it's pretty entertaining as well!!! 

identifying

Little Preslee's accident and subsequent death has caused me to experience a myriad of emotions the past few days.  This weekend I found myself thinking about what it was like to plan my sons funeral and vividly remembering what it felt like to come home to that "empty room". 

Last week, I was glued to my computer.  I anxiously awaited updates and prayed that they would be positive.  As the sweet family posted pictures of their ICU experience, I found myself reliving mine.  All of the tubes and machines were so familiar.  I spent a lot of time reflecting back on my time with Nate.  I would stare at the monitors for hours on end just hoping and praying that the numbers would be where they needed to be so that I knew that my sweet baby was healing properly.  I would rub is head and kiss his hands.  I wanted him to know how loved he was.  I would find comfort in emails telling us that hundreds (maybe even thousands) of people were praying for him.  He was completely covered in prayer...I was so hopeful that God would say "yes".

When God said "no" I took it hard.  Very hard.  For a while, I honestly took it as a personal rejection from God.  But God said no to Preslee too.  I don't understand why.  It seems like His name would be even more glorified through the actions of a miracle.  Again...I don't understand.  Just one more conversation that I look forward to having with my creator one day. 

The past 2 years I have worked so hard to fight through the grief.  There were months that I kept myself insanely busy.  I didn't want a moment to spare because I knew that the images and grief would win over me.  There were months that I felt God calling me to BE STILL so I tried to keep my life simple.  Very simple.  I tried to figure out how to be still.  I tried to do nothing.  I wanted so desperately for God to guide me.  I wanted so desperately for God to speak to me. 

This past weekend we took our kids to see The Karate Kid.  During the movie there was one line that resonated with me like no other:


"Being still and doing nothing are NOT the same."


WOW!  This hit me like a ton of bricks.  This was no bible verse and no direct words from God but I just knew that once again, I had been doing it wrong. 


The past couple of months, I have been looking more at "being still" as being content.  Finding Joy where I am while eagerly listening for God's guidance.  We'll see if I can get it right this time. 

Gosh I am a slow learner!!!

another one gone too soon...

 Last week, A sweet little 18 month old named Preslee fell into a canal and drowned.  They pulled her out and she has been fighting so hard all week long.  I have been glued to my computer...  praying and praying....

Today, sweet baby Preslee went home to Heaven.

Please pray for another young family that has to endure the grief of burying a child.  A pain that NO ONE should ever know.



http://patrickandashley.blogspot.com/

amazing

We were lucky enough to spend our fifteenth anniversary in the Bahamas.  It was an amazing vacation that we had been planning for 2 years. 

We had a long travel day on our actual anniversary but were able to have dinner (a late one at that) in the Bahamas like we had hoped.  We spent the night in a small hotel and planned on squeezing all 6 of us into a regular room since it was just for 12 hours.  But, when they found out that it was our anniversary, they upgraded us to a suite for free!!!  We were so grateful.  

The next morning we walked outside and noticed that a cruise ship was sailing into port.  Not a big deal except for the fact that this was the SAME ship that we honeymooned on 15 years ago :  Monarch of the Seas!!! 

Crazy!!

Then we made our way to our vacation destination:  Atlantis.  Or should I say...

ATLANTIS!!!

We didn't stay in this exact hotel. I actually spent about 40-50 hours on the Internet trying to make it happen but it was just too expensive.  Even if I could have....I wouldn't have spent that much money on a vacation.  So, after realizing that the room wasn't all that important, I went to plan B.  I bought someones timeshare week off of Ebay.  It was a very nice suite on the Atlantis property and it even had a washer/dryer and a full kitchen.  It was a great deal and worked out perfect for our large family.

We had a great 4th of July and enjoyed the fireworks over the Caribbean! 

The beaches were incredible!!!

White sand and crystal blue water.  Oh my goodness, it's nothing like the beaches here in Southern California.  Just thinking about it makes me want to go back.

Atlantis has more water slides than I can count.  We (except the twins) went on all of them.  This one is called the leap of faith and it really is a "leap of faith".  You drop STRAIGHT down and it's insane...but so fun!!!  This is Shayna!  I don't have a photo of me doing it.

There were so many pools and slides that it was completely overwhelming the first few days.  I think that we switched pools every hour or so just so that we could do everything. 

We had busy and yet relaxing days.  It was great to be completely OUT OF TOUCH - no international cell service or Internet!!!

We were warned ahead of time that the food was REALLY expensive so I brought a suitcase filled with 4 loaves of bread, 4 bags of cereal, 2 jars of peanut butter, jelly, boxes and boxes of protein bars, granola bars and cereal bars, chips, cookies, crystal light mix and treats.  We ate cereal in the room, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch by the pool (did I mention that I am sick of pb&j?) and went out for dinner at night.  We tried to eat as inexpensively as possible but a gallon of milk was $11 and one large pizza was a whopping $35.  Can you believe that!!! It was the first vacation where I actually lost 2 pounds because I didn't want to buy that expensive food! 

All in all, we had an amazing time but there is always a set of footprints missing.

Nate is ALWAYS on our mind...

Wish he could have joined us.

fifteen

15 years ago today, I married my best friend. 

I can't believe how fast the time passes. 

 Fifteen! 

***My parents divorced after 14 1/2 years so I am especially proud to celebrate this anniversary.

again

Last night, my daughter and I were innocently watching America's Got Talent.  We've watched it many times before and there has never been a problem.  The problem with my life is that you never know where the "grief" is lurking.  It tends to spring up out of no where.  Last night it was hiding in America's Got Talent.

We watched it for almost an hour.  It was a fun show.  We laughed a lot!!!  The last audition on the show was a sweet girl with a heart wrenching background.  Before she sang her first word, I was cheering for her.  I wanted her to be great.  I wanted so badly for her dream to come true.

She started singing.  The song was ANGEL by Sarah Mclachlan.  I immediately paused my thoughts and took a deep breath.  I didn't know if I could listen.  ANGEL was the song that we used to make Nathan's video.  The video of his precious little 25 days on earth.  The video that we showed at his funeral.  The minute I heard the first line of that song...spent all your time waiting, for that second chance...I knew that I was in danger.  The images of Nathan (both good and bad ones) started racing around in my mind like a level 4 tornado.  My heart started pounding and I felt sick to my stomach.  I didn't know.  I didn't know if I could listen to this song without crashing.  As it turns out, I didn't have to make that decision...

About 20 seconds into the song, my 11 year old daughter turned her face toward me.  It was covered with huge beads of water that were just pooling from her eyes.  She got up from her chair and ran to me.  She started sobbing uncontrollably.

I turned off the TV and held her tight.  We cuddled for about 10 minutes without saying a word.  I enjoyed cuddling with my big 11 year old but I wish that I was doing it for another reason.  I wish that it wasn't to comfort her broken heart.  I do my best but I don't know how to heal a broken heart.  We had yet another conversation about Heaven.  I am grateful that my kids know that it's not just a place in a book.  Heaven is real for them.  It's where their brother lives.  I know that they will choose to follow Jesus if for no other reason than to see their brother again.   

I was worried that she would be up all night.  She doesn't sleep well when she is distressed.  Luckily she fell asleep after a while.  I didn't.  Once again, the grief caught me off guard and pulled me from the path that I want to be on.  I need to get used to the fact that my life will always be happy and sad.  It will have moments of both.  I know for certain that because of the sad, I appreciate the happy even more.  But the sad is still hard.

I am so happy that when I wake up tomorrow it will be JULY.  My absolute, without question, favorite month of the year!!!  Looking forward to the next 31 days!!!

3-2-1 weekend

                                               

THREE soccer games

                     TWO basketball games

                                                   ONE dance recital


Crazy, busy weekends like this remind me how much I LOVE being a mommy and watching my kids fulfill their dreams.  I wish that I was toting a toddler around to all of these events but I do recognize how lucky I am to have the life that I have.

a winner!!!

Tomorrow is the last day of school for my kids.  We are going to be super busy with all of their sports but at least there will be no homework!  I am so happy that Summer is here.  I just wish that they didn't have to grow up for that to happen.  My twins are starting kindergarten in the Fall.  I can't believe that I won't have any little ones at home any more.  Sad.  So sad.

Now on to happy things.  Thank you to everyone who entered my giveaway.  I love all of you and your sweet comments are always special to me.  I wish that you all could win.  I really do.  I had to go to random number.org to pick because I didn't want that responsibility for myself.  Here are the results:



True Random Number Generator


Min: 1

Max: 20

Result:

1
 
Congratulations to Debby at Just Breathe and For Your Tears!!!  

Blogiversary GIVEAWAY

One year ago today, I started my blog and put my DROWNING post out into cyberspace.  I had zero followers and no idea what to expect.  Since that time I have had more than 18,000 visits and I currently have 99 followers!!!  That's a small number in comparison to most of you but pretty amazing to me.  I am still shocked that people care to read about my thoughts and experiences AND keep coming back for more.  I am so grateful that I found this blog community.  I have been supported by more people online then I have in my real life.  It feels so good to be understood.  It feels so freeing to not have to pretend.  It feels so healing to be able to walk this path with other moms.

Over this past year, I have had a few people suggest that I write a book.  That seemed like an overwhelming project to me and I couldn't even grasp it.  But then, a few weeks back, I printed out my blog for a friend and I realized that I kinda already have.  I have written 120 posts and most of them are pretty lengthy!  Not that this blog qualifies as a book but I have written the same amount that I would need to for a book.  That is such a crazy thought for me, I have written a book (well, kinda...you know what I mean)!

To celebrate this anniversary I am hosting a giveaway. 

I am going to be giving away a personalized set of 20 note cards (your name doesn't have to be Michelle to enter).  I hope that you all like them.  I chose this design because it feels like Summer...and by now you all know how much I LOVE SUMMER!!!

All you have to do to enter is leave me a comment.  You can tell me what about your favorite Summertime activity, a favorite memory or you can write whatever is on your heart.  And, if you are a "follower" please leave me a 2nd comment so that you can be entered twice!   This giveaway will be open through Monday, June 21st.  I will announce the winner on Tuesday and you will have your note cards by the end of the month!!!

Thank you to all of you for your kindness and support!!!  I wouldn't be where I am today if it weren't for all of you.

a game

My daughter had a soccer tournament this past weekend.

This girl LOVES soccer more than just about anything else.

And I LOVE her more than just about anything else.

You can probably guess what else.

Watching her play brings me so much JOY!

It's a tough game.

It's a rough game.

No matter where you are on the field... there are people that are after you.

You run as fast as you can.

You perform as many tricks as you can.

When you get knocked down, you get back up.

You run even harder and with more determination than you did before.

Some days you play well...some days you don't.

There's always something to improve upon and there's always another game.


I can relate!

me, myself and I

Tragedy leads to a lot of things.  One of them being introspection.  I have spent a lot of time soul searching lately.  Trying to figure out why my perception of family and friends before Nate's death was so incredibly different than the reality after.  Trying to figure out who I am and what God's purpose is for me. 


The first year after Nate died, I was just going through the motions of life.  I had been rejected by so many people that I loved and admired that the simple act of leaving my house caused anxiety.  I wasn't strong enough to think about anything deep.  I was simply in survival mode.  Trying to take care of my family and trying to prevent more people from hurting us.


The second year after Nate died, I NEEDED people.  I was out of the "fog" of grief and the reality of my life was setting in.  I hated being alone.  When I was alone, images and memories flooded my mind.  When I was alone, I felt vulnerable with God.  When I was alone, I had to be with myself.  I didn't like any of those.  So, I was lucky enough to find a handful of people that were willing to travel the grief road with me.  People that had no idea what to expect or how to help me but they just walked by my side.  My schedule was full.  Very, very full.  I had friends to exercise with in the mornings, friends that would meet me at the park while the kids played, friends that would have lunch with me and friends that would share many lonely weekends with our family.  I liked my schedule.  It was comforting.  I could spend my time with others so that I didn't have to spend time with me and my thoughts.  The only problem with that was that people are not perfect and that's who I was relying on.  The foundation that I attempted to manifest was still not secure. 


Now, I am discovering that my SOCIAL calendar (not my crazy sports calendar) is rather empty...and I kinda like it.  Occasionally, I will meet with a friend but most days...most weeks...I am alone.  That would have been a scary thought a year or two ago.  I didn't want to be alone.  But now I am learning to embrace it.  I don't even attempt to schedule things anymore.  All of my life I have been an initiator.  Now I am just chillaxing (my daughters word of choice).  I am okay doing my 3 mile run alone... that is my special time with God.  I am okay spending time alone at home while the kids are at school...that is my opportunity to tackle projects and finish chores so that I have more time when my kids are home.  I am okay spending weekends with just our family....we are finding creative ways to enjoy one another and make memories. 


I'm not sure if this is good or bad but I realize that I don't NEED people anymore.  I am okay by myself. 

caught off guard

Most days are good. I have to admit that it's such a relief to be in this place. I have lowered most of my protective walls. I have lost almost all of my anxiety. However, there are still moments and events that completely catch me off guard.

Here are a few examples:

• My twins recently brought home balloons from a party.  Instead of playing with them or prominently displaying them in their room, they quickly made beautiful cards and attached them to their balloons. The cards were to Nathan.  With pride and excitement they ran to the backyard, cards and balloons in hand.  One by one, they did a countdown and released the balloons to their brother. This is the way that they connect to him. They make him pictures and attach them to balloons. It's sweet...but it breaks my heart.  This happens frequently, yet I don't know that I will ever get used to it.  This is my "new normal". 
• I am surrounded by babies and toddlers all of the time. They sit next to me at gymnastics, dance class, restaurants, doctors offices, etc.  99% of the time, it does not bother me. Usually, a deep breath and a short prayer is all it takes to ease my aching heart. But sometimes, there will be a baby (or a 2 year old) that really gets to me. It's like I am punched in the stomach and my heart is pulled from my chest all at the same time. The hardest part about it is that it's completely unpredictable. I do not know which circumstances will affect me and which ones won't. I used to exit my house with the expectation that every baby would cause this reaction. I am over that now. But, when it does happen, it is such a blow. And...people don't understand how I could be fine one minute and a mess the other. I guess I can't expect them to understand something that doesn't make sense to me.
• My 11 year old daughter started writing a "book". She asked me to read the first chapter. It was about how she had to make "a choice to rise above the death of her brother".  As I was reading her beautiful words, I felt like I was hit by a train.  The grief struck quickly and intensely.  She was filled with pride when I told her how wonderful it was. But, I left something out. I didn't tell her how much my heart was broken to know that she has had to endure such pain at such a young age. I know that this is our reality. That I am the mother of a child in Heaven. But, I don't know that I will ever be okay with the fact that my children have to go through their life without their sibling. Watching my kids struggle with and fight to overcome their grief is such a challenge for a Mother. I didn't sign up for this. I wasn't trained to do this.
• I love watching The Ellen DeGeneres show on TV. I watch it because it makes me laugh and it allows me to escape the reality of my life for a brief moment.  I was completely caught off guard when she did a segment last week. One of her employees, had a daughter that was born with a heart defect. As the daddy described it...the similarities were almost exact. The baby was whisked away from them soon after birth...put on a ventilator...underwent open heart surgery at CHLA...crashed and had to have CPR in front of the parents... BUT THAT'S WHERE THE SIMILARITIES END. The doctors brought their baby back to life. They got to take their baby home... This was what was supposed to happen to us. This was the way that our story was supposed to end. I kept thinking that I got ripped off. Why did this have to happen to me?
• Running into family members and old friends unexpectedly still throws me off.  I never know what to say.  It's so incredibly awkward.  It's easier for me when I sense that they are uncomfortable too.  When I feel that they feel some sort of remorse for  walking away from us.  I find it hard to be treated like everything is the same now as it was then.  When the "how are you doing" question is asked without effort.  When there is no mention of the fact that we swam 1,000 miles through rocky waters and almost drowned.  When they comment about how big our kids are now and imply that we disappeared from events unnecessarily.  I can't imagine ever being comfortable with those encounters.  I am much better at dealing with them now.  I am much better at not allowing them to prevent me from going places and living my life.  I just don't ever know that I will be good at looking REJECTION square in the eyes.  That one...is always painful. 

I imagine that this will happen for the rest of my life. That circumstances and events will bring back that swell of emotions.  That I will never be able to get OVER Nate's death.  I will always have to get THROUGH Nate's death.  This is just how it is for me.




I work very hard to focus on the JOY in my life. 
I work very hard to invest my time and energy into things are are beneficial for my family. 
I work very hard to be the person that God wants me to be. 


I have to WORK HARD for almost everything.  My life is good... but it's NOT easy. 

Summer's coming!

This is by far my favorite time of year.  I love the sunshine!  Living in Southern California it may seem like we have this all year long.  But, it's different.  Summer is just different.  Now it doesn't get dark until 8pm which allows us so much more time outside. Plus, the kids are almost out of school so the crazy evening homework and early mornings will soon be gone - yipee!!!

I can't wait to play with my kids and relax in the sun.  Just the anticipation of it coming in 4 more weeks makes me happy.  For now, I am looking forward to a 5 day weekend filled with swimming, shopping, skating, eating and sunshine.  Nothing but BLUE SKY days ahead.  I will say it again...yipee!!!

just wondering

Sometimes, blog world is really one of the only places that I feel "understood".  It's a unique bubble of sorts where I am able to connect with other moms like myself.  Moms that have buried children.  Moms who were abandoned by friends and family.  Moms that struggle between "what was" and "what is".

Oftentimes, I have thought about how much of a relief it would be to be able to actually live in this bubble.  I mean if the people in this bubble were my neighbors, family and friends.  What would it look like if it was the norm to bury a child?  What would it be like if everyone knew what it felt like to grieve?

Last week, my husband was having lunch with some old grad school friends.  At one point, the conversation turned to a man and he was asked about his family.  He explained that he had 9 brothers and sisters but only 8 were living.  He spoke about it matter-of-factly when he explained that one of his brothers had died as a child.  When my husband inquired more about it, he was told that this was the "norm" where he grew up.  Evidently, he was born and raised in Vietnam.  Where he grew up, almost every family buried a child at some point.  It was a rare exception for a family not to. 

This got me thinking.  I have heard the statistics in Africa.  I know that children die.  I know that mothers weep.  I know that I am not alone.  It's just that I still find it strange that in this day and age, many Americans don't know how to relate to a mom that has done the unspeakable.  I don't know if I will ever really fit in here.  I don't know if I even want to.   I just wonder what it would be like to live in a community of people that GET IT.  I wonder.

my thoughts on JOY

I have been attending a women's bible study at my church for the past few weeks. It's a Women of Faith study and the subject matter is JOY. I have to admit that I haven't learned much through the study.  I am sure that it's a good study but God gave me a "real-life application" that taught me more than any author possibly could.  I wasn't able to go this morning so I thought that I would spend this time writing down some of my thoughts on this subject.


Back in the Fall, I was on a quest to find Joy. I was ready to end my season of grieving but I didn't know how. I used to have what I considered to be the perfect life. I had everything that I had ever wanted. I was happy. So happy. But after I watched my son die a horrific death, it was impossible for me to ever have that same type of happiness. No matter what I did or where I looked, I couldn't find it. It was this realization that taught me my lesson on JOY.


I have learned a lot about JOY. I have learned what JOY is not and I have learned what JOY is. I believe that my lessons and my interpretations are personal. This is what God has taught me in this season of life.

What JOY is NOT



Joy is NOT material. Getting a new car or buying a new house cannot bring me JOY. Spending an afternoon at the mall shopping cannot bring me JOY.  Having my house perfectly decorated and impeccably cleaned will not bring me JOY.  Surely, they can bring a lot of happiness. But happy isn't JOY.


JOY is NOT automatic. This world is full of hardship which is caused by sin. Our inability to "hit the mark" on everything allows bad stuff to happen. We don't automatically embrace JOY.  Sometimes...oftentimes, life is hard and our trials are real.


JOY is NOT circumstantial. Enjoying a luxury vacation does not guarantee us JOY. Getting a job promotion does not automatically make us JOYFUL.  Winning the lottery cannot ensure us a lifetime of JOY. 


What JOY IS

JOY IS a choice. In every situation, we have the option to choose joy. 18 months ago, I did a bible study on Philippians. I vividly remember sitting in my group while everyone was discussing Phil 4:4

Rejoice in the Lord, always. I will say it again: Rejoice!


I sat there dumbfounded. I was immersed in a huge pit of grief. I didn't understand how God could even suggest that I could rejoice. I had just buried a son and was abandoned by most everyone I knew. What could I possibly rejoice about? I was actually angry at God for implying that JOY was even possible at that moment in time. I just didn't understand.


But as I have navigated through this trial, I have learned the meaning of Phil 4:4. I have learned that even in the worst circumstances, God gives us something to rejoice about. Even though I buried a son, I can rejoice that God gave me 4 other healthy children. Even though I have watched my kids sob hysterically about the death of their baby brother, I can rejoice that God is teaching them empathy and compassion. Even though I cannot hug and kiss my son everyday, I can rejoice that I will get to spend eternity with him.


JOY IS from God. JOY is a gift. We have to choose to receive it but God is the only one that can give it. There is nothing that any person alone can give us that will bring us JOY. God has to be a part of it.  For example, if someone gives us a hug, we have the choice to be closed off and shut down. Or, we have the choice to embrace the warmth that God has allowed us to feel by bringing that person into our life.


I believe that Satan is the only one that can take our JOY away. When we choose to receive JOY from God, there are no people or circumstances that will take it away. Sometimes, Satan sneaks in while we are unaware of his presence and steals it from us. But, we have to allow him to do that.


Last week, I was sitting at my son's baseball game. I was such a proud mama cheering on my sweet boy. I was choosing to rejoice in this blessing that God had given me. My beautiful, healthy little boy.  Then...suddenly, my thoughts switched and my JOY turned to sadness. My thoughts were consumed with the fact that I would never get to see Nate play baseball. That I would get to cheer for him to hit the ball or take a picture of him in his cute little uniform. I realized what was happening. I realized that Satan was stealing my JOY. That I was allowing him to remind me of all of the things that I didn't have instead of focusing on what I did have. I had to make a choice. A choice to re JOICE! 

The past two Mother's Days have NOT been JOYFUL.  I was making a choice to focus on the fact that one of my children was missing.  That my family was not complete.  That my arms that were supposed to be holding a baby boy were empty.  This year, I made a different choice.  It was deliberate and it did require effort.  But I chose to rejoice in the Lord and the blessings that He has given me.  I chose to embrace the children that were with me and celebrate that I was given the privilege of raising them.


I am learning to recognize when I allow Satan to steal my JOY.  I am learning to ask God on a daily basis to allow me to focus on what I have and not on what I don't.  I am learning to appreciate this lesson that God has taught me and the new found perspective that I have.  God is not of this world and the further that I travel down this path, the more my life becomes aligned with His.  I can honestly say that my life is full of JOY.  I may not exude it on the outside, but I feel the peace of it on the inside.  I have found that a JOY filled life is much better than a HAPPY life.  I'll choose JOY any day!



 

mother's day

I have said it before and I will say it again.  Holiday's are always tough when you have a child that lives in Heaven.  There is always a hole...someone is always missing.

I remember Mother's Day 2 years ago.  It was about 6 weeks after Nate died.  As I approached that day, I was hoping that I would receive an outpouring of love from family and friends.  I felt that I had done the hardest thing that any "mother" could ever do.  I buried a child.  Surely, that would be recognized.  Surely people would treat me like a war hero returning from battle.  Broken and damaged but honored nonetheless.

I wasn't.

There were no cards. 

There were no phone calls. 

There were no emails. 

The day went by...unnoticed.


As I sit here 2 years later, I am in a different place.  I don't expect things from people anymore.  I don't need things from people anymore.  But it is still a bittersweet day.  I celebrate with the children I have with me and I am saddened by the child that is not.

I was watching ELLEN this week and they have been promoting their Mother's Day show.  It's a day where new mommies are honored and celebrated.  They absolutely deserve everything that they receive.  Being a new mommy is a wonderful thing. 

But I know the other side to that. 

I know that there are women out there that are celebrating their first Mother's Day alone.  Foregoing all of the strollers and baby toys and gift cards...I know that the only thing that they would want is to hold their baby on Mother's Day.  There are no Mother's Day cards when your child lives in Heaven.

My experience has caused me to look at things in different ways.  It's sad that I lost that innocence.  But it's good that I see reality.  Mother's Day is not always a happy day.  For some, it's the hardest day of the year.  Most people have no idea.  They plan their brunches and buy their flowers.  They don't see the other side.  Now I have a better perspective.  I see both sides!


So to all of my mommy friends:

I wish you a Happy Mother's Day.  Whether your child is here on earth or up in Heaven -- I honor you!  You are NOT unnoticed and your child has NOT been forgotten.  You are a "Mother" and you deserve to be blessed on this day.

my least favorite question

How are you doing?

This is probably the most commonly asked question in our society today. It's freely said from checkers as I pay for my groceries. It's often said as I walk past other moms at school. And now it's asked by people that I used to be close with.

I think that the majority of time "how are you doing?" is asked rhetorically. The asker is not looking for an actual response. They are just simply engaging in a typical verbal exchange. There's usually no effort or sincerety behind it. It's just a sort of habit that people have picked up.

It's not a harmful question. In fact, it's actually nice. The difficulty comes when you want to give a response other than "fine". That's where the anxiety builds. A seemingly innocent question turns into a mountainous dilemma:

• Should you just say "fine" even if you are not and move on?  Doing so feels like a betrayal to your aching heart and you know that this is a lie. But, you also know that this person really doesn't care what the response is. They really don't want to know the answer.  They are just tying to be kind.

• Or...should you be honest and say "not great" or "today is tough"? To be honest, this is how I often respond and it is definitely uncomfortable. It's an uncommon and unexpected response. The ask-er doesn't know what to say to that. You can visably see a baffled look come across their face as they process your words.  Most often, it's a conversation end-er because they don't know what to do with it. Once in a while, someone will say "I'm sorry" but no one ever asks why.

This question was the reason that I had anxiety every time I left my house the first year. I didn't know how to respond to it. It seems pretty lame to me now, but back then...it was huge. At present I am usually fine answering this question. I choose to be honest with my heart and my response changes from day to day. Most days I am actually fine so I don't have to pretend. But when it's a tough day, I don't pretend that it's not.


My difficulty with this question now is when it is asked by those that I used to be close to. Let's face it, close friends don't usually ask us this general of a question. They may ask how our week went. Or how an event was. But they rarely ask how we are doing. As people attempt to re-engage with us, this is the question that we are asked. I am guessing that they want to know if we are "better" now. I am guessing that our once close and now distant relationship makes any other question uncomfortable.   I don't know the real reason, I just know that I become uncomfortable...instantaneously.


To be honest (which I hope that you know I always am on here), I don't really want them to know how we are doing. To avoid answering, I usually turn the question around in a hurry and ask them something in return. I do this because I think that how we are actually doing is privileged information. If I say that we are still struggling....that information will likely be broadcast out to other friends and family. If I say that we are doing good, again that information will be broadcast out like a news story. In reality, the answer to that question is too complex to verbally respond to. The only people that really know how we are doing are the people that engage with us on a weekly basis. The people that are actually "doing life" with us. The people that see what our life is like.  The people that take the time to talk with us.  I'll be honest...there aren't many of them. But those few are pretty much the only ones that I will ever give an honest response to.

What would it look like?

Blessed are those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

Matthew 5: 4

This was the title of our sermon last weekend.  I was so happy that this lesson was being taught.  It's not a common lesson.  There are many people that have not learned it.  It's a lesson that I learned the hard way.

When someone is hurting

       RUN TO them

                      NOT FROM them

We spent so much of our first year mourning by ourselves.  It made a difficult process almost impossible.  People didn't want to be with us.  We were sad.  We were broken.  Why be with people like that when you can be with people that make you laugh and feel good about yourself?  I suppose that in our society, it's natural to be drawn to the good.  We found that it was only truly exceptional people that were willing and able to be our friends while we were stuck in our pit of grief. 

This past week I have been wondering what our world would look like if people would naturally flock to those who were hurting.  Not only to those that are physically hurting from disease but to those that are in true emotional pain. 

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  What would it look like if we chose to spend our time sending a kind email to a hurting friend instead of watching a funny clip on UTube? 
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  What would it look like if we picked up the phone and called a hurting friend instead of spending 10 minutes waiting in line at Starbucks for a coffee? 
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  What would it look like if every time we went to the grocery store we picked up a "I'm thinking about you" card instead of spending that money on a some sort of fattening, processed junk food item? 
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  What would it look like if once a month we invited our hurting friends over for dinner instead of calling our "fun" friends to hang out?
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  What would it look like if we presented ourselves with authenticity and honesty instead of falsely and superficially so that we were easier to relate to?
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  What would it look like if we spent an hour sitting on the couch wiping the tears of a hurting friend instead of watching a reality TV show?

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  What would it look like if we made cookies for a stranger in pain and left them on their door with a sweet note instead of eating them ourselves?

We all feel confined by a lack of time and resources.  People often say if I had more time, I would help others.  Or, if I had more money, I would do something nice for someone.  The truth is that for the most part, we spend our time and money on things that are important to us.  I hope that someday, we will consider the hurting to be important.

Ecclesiasties 7:2

Its is better to go to a house of mourning than to go to a house of feasting, for death is the destiny of every man; the living should take this to heart.