With a little help...

...from the friends that found Nate's birthday balloons we were able to bless the Mama's who are fighting for their children's lives at Children's Hospital Los Angeles this Mother's Day!!!!

These sweet Mama's drove an hour to meet with me and fill my car with all of their donations!  It was a highlight day to remember for sure!

Last year, my husband was out of work...and this year that is our unfortunate truth once again.  With a family of 7 living on ZERO income, I can't justify spending money to bless the Mama's who need it the most.  But...God knew our circumstance and he carefully placed Nate's birthday balloons onto the property of the sweetest Mama (75 miles away) who offered to help.  She went on facebook and shared Nate's story with her family and friends and those AMAZING STRANGERS donated items for our Mother's Day gift bags!

In fact..they donated enough items to double our highest contribution!  They bought enough (water bottles, BBW hand sanitizer, BBW lotion, Gum, Chapstick) to make 70...yes...SEVENTY gift bags!!!!!

My kids and I had purchased a handful of lotions during the after Christmas sales and found a great deal on those XL Chocolate bars so that we could make 5 of the same bags that we have made in the past.

So that makes a total of 75 -- SEVENTY FIVE Mother's Day gift bags this year!!!

I am so thrilled!  I just know how much that little gesture will mean to those sweet Mama's stuck in the hospital this Mother's Day.  Our family friends whose daughter, Katie is still fighting cancer delivered a few during their visit last week and they are going back again this weekend to deliver the rest.  I was told that when she handed one to a Mama with a cancer stricken toddler the Mama started crying and gave her a HUGE hug!  I'm telling you...this little gesture means so much!!!!

If you are reading this please join me in praying for those 75 Mama's.  Pray for healing for their children and pray for strength for them!!!

💝Also...remember that Mother's Day isn't a present-filled, brunch-loving day for everyone.  Many are struggling with the loss of a Mother or a child.  If you know anyone in this situation please reach out to them with some love and comfort this weekend.  

***A special thank you to all of those who contributed toward this!  It makes my heart SOOOOO happy!


#lovenatesmommy
#CHLA
#bathandbodyworks

Surviving a decade

Hard to believe the 10 year mark has arrived. TODAY is the day!  The day that he left my arms and went to Jesus.  A decade seems like an eternity yet Nathan seems like he was just here.

I don't know if other Mama's do this but every day of this Month I have moments where I keep re-living what happened on each specific day.  The worst part of it all is that I keep thinking - He's going to die in 24 days...23 days...22 days...

Like it hasn't already happened!  I mean seriously why can't I stop doing this?  March just hurts.

However...10 years later these thoughts don't consume me.  And his death doesn't define me.  BUT ...it has changed me.  I'm not even close to the person I was 10 years ago and I won't pretend to be. 

Relationships are probably my biggest challenge.  I just can't seem to connect with people like I used to.  I feel like I should but I really don't want to.  I do love to chat with the other mama's at sports and school events but it's all superficial.  I don't invest in them and I don't expect them to be my "friend".  I don't know that I can ever really give my heart to another friendship again...it was just shattered over and over again as the people I trusted and loved walked away one by one.  

Family is also still tough.  They don't understand -- and they don't even try.  Life is unchanged for them but NOTHING is the same for me.  So we have essentially agreed to just disagree.  To be pleasant when the annual family events are necessary and then to go on with our lives independently.  They rarely even mention Nate.  I grew up with a broken family and desperately wanted to provide my children with a large extended family.  I dreamed about big parties and holidays and having a loving support system.  For years I thought that I created this for my kids.  It was only after Nate that I realized that it was just a facade.  

So 10 years after I can reflect with an abundance of pride.  That first year thoughts of ending my life consumed me.  I NEVER thought I would be able to survive that horrible, intense, life altering grief.  But I did.  And I will continue to do so!

Such an AMAZING God story!

Remember these balloons?

Those balloons (which floated westward in this picture) ended up travelling 75 miles east and landed on the property of the sweetest most compassionate Mommy.  Typically we release Nate's birthday balloons/notes independently.  But this year they just HAPPENED to get tangled up and float away together.

That Mommy tracked me down by the notes (all they said was "Happy Birthday Nate" and were signed by each of our first names)...found this blog...emailed me (which I didn't get) ...so she tracked down my oldest daughter and messaged her...(who happened to be in Costa Rica at a soccer tournament)...and wanted to share that she found our balloons, read this blog and wanted to reach out!

At first I didn't know how to process this.  I never thought about someone getting and reading our balloons.  After all...we sent them up to "heaven" - right?  It was a personal and private tradition and I never imagined anyone but God and Nate getting them.

The more I thought about it-- I felt God in this circumstance.  Those balloons didn't just HAPPEN to land in that sweet mama's yard.  She didn't just HAPPEN to feel the need to connect with us.  It didn't just HAPPEN that she was able to find us despite only knowing the first names of our family.

It was a GOD story.  Like the one He gave us last March when times were tough.

This sweet mama not only gave me love and support through her emails but she also offered to help me with the Mother's Day Gift Bags  that I wasn't thinking I wouldn't be able to do again this year (my Husband's job is far less than great).  

This entire experience has brought me WAY out of my comfort zone.  Very, very few people know about this blog and only a couple of them are people that I actually know.  So when I write...I am uncensored, vulnerable and REAL.  The thought of people I know reading my intimate thoughts is quite scary.

HOWEVER...
When I started this blog I made a decision to trust God.  To write when I feel led and to trust that God will direct people that He wants to read it.  Writing had helped my grief immensely and it's so comforting to look back and see how far I have come -- but it wasn't supposed to be about ME!!!

So as I LET GO...and LET GOD I am in awe of His continued support.  This didn't just HAPPEN!  

TEN - We did our thing again!

 Nate's 10th birthday was the first BLUE SKY March 5th we have had for a few years.  It just helps my overall mood immensely when the sun is warm and the sky is blue.  So we each brought a special hand selected balloon and a handwritten note which we once again let go (this time into the blue sky).  It was quite windy so the strings got stuck together this year an the balloons almost didn't make it up!

We usually have to scramble to find someone to sign us into Disney (tickets for 7 would cost over $700).  But...this year we didn't have to stress at all BECAUSE our oldest daughter now WORKS AT DISNEYLAND!!!!  She has been able to sign us into Disney several times this year and she did it again (with the help of a friend) for Nate's Birthday!  So special!



We decided to give Nate a Superhero birthday with a Captain America theme!  We brought cupcakes and did the little party thing that we do :)

We ended the night with a few balloons that are still flying high around our house and remind us of Nate's time with us during March!

And we ended a long day at McDonald's to once again commemorate our time at the Ronald McDonald House. Such a heartbreaking but special place :)

So we made it through a decade.  9 years ago I couldn't imagine saying that.  But now this is just a part of our life.  I can't tell you how much comfort we find in the traditions.  Knowing what to expect takes most of the anxiety away.  I still wish that people would remember Nate but that number fades each and every year (we are down to 3 fingers now).

T-E-N Today!

Ten...double digits...a decade!

These milestone dates are not fun when you can't celebrate with the birthday boy!  But we WILL celebrate as a family.  We will do what we do and we will survive another year because we have done it for a decade.

Happy Birthday sweet NATHAN!  

Disney here we come...

The official end of a tough decade...

The past 10 years have been challenging.  While we have been given abundant blessings and have experienced tremendous spiritual growth within the challenges I'm relieved to see the decade end.  

2008-2018 (low lights)

Nate's death
Loss of virtually all friends and family
Diagnosis of a major chronic disease
Death of my father in law
Diagnosis of another major cronic disease
Death of my father
Loss of job after 16 years employment
11 collective surgeries in 10 years
4 collective broken bones
Loss of another job 


2 0 1 8 brings new hope and a fresh start to a new decade.  Always aware that it could be worse...but just praying that it is better.