Emotions....

I've tried to write several times in the last few days but my mind and my fingers just haven't been working together.  I think part of the problem has been all the crazy emotions that have been swirling around in my head and my heart.  Being a "feeler" or a "mercy" is not for the faint of heart.  So many times people tell me to not take things personally because they think that is why I get emotional.  Sometimes they say I need to toughen up and just blow it off or let it go (yes now I am singing in my head along with Elsa!).  My personal favorite is that I need to quit letting things bother me and should have a "who cares" attitude.  That all sounds great...but none of it sounds like me.  How do you just not care about things?  How do you not care if you hurt someone or let someone down?  I don't get it.

This week has been hard...and it is only Tuesday!  Sunday my baby girl headed back to school after a week at home for spring break.  I'm always sad when she leaves, but this time I realized it was our last spring break together.  Next year she will be married..... I am not ready to be without my baby girl.  This empty nest thing is not easy.  I love being a momma.  I love my girls.  I miss the crazy of 3 girls playing and fighting and singing and just hanging out together.  It is so different now.

On Sunday we also found out a friend was critically injured in a motorcycle accident.  Such a good man and a man of God!  Why do these things happen to such good people?  How is his family going to survive this?  What if the unthinkable happens?  Unfortunately things have not been looking good for him.  I know our God is a god of miracles and can do more than I can possibly imagine, but what if God's answer to our prayers is that it is his time to go home to the Lord?  Just breaks my heart.

Then, one of the smallest but still emotional things for me this week has been going back to work.  Yes, I am blessed to have a job so those of you who want to get negative about teachers having a week off for spring break...just stop now.  The thing that makes going back this week even harder is that I have some hurt that I am not over.  Rejection is hard.  Feeling like you are unwanted or not good enough really does a number on your confidence.  It has taken me a long time to feel like I had earned some respect as an educator.  I don't have my Masters degree, but I have 22 years of  classroom experience.  I know I am not the smartest, the most creative, or even the best teacher, but I do know I am a good teacher.  I do my job at more than 100%.  I love my kids like they are my own.  I try to be helpful and professional and positive even when everyone around me is doing the opposite.  I try not to gossip and never want anyone to feel less than someone else.  I think I am a good person, but I guess I keep to myself too much.  I'm not fun or talkative enough.  I don't "play the social game!"  I don't do politics!  I hear it in everyone's voices when they say "I can't believe you didn't get PICKED to stay!"  My brain translates that to..."You must not be as good as them because they didn't pick you!"

I know that is all pitiful and I don't write it for anyone to feel sorry for me.  I definitely do not need someone to rationalize all of it for me.  All that does when someone tries to do that is make me feel even smaller.  Remember this blog is about me figuring out things and working out my struggles and hurts.  It really is not for any other reason than to get these thoughts OUT OF MY HEAD!  Sometimes I think if I had a real sister, like my girls have with each other, that I would have someone I could say these things to and they would hear me without trying to just smooth things over or pacify my feelings.  You know, my struggles are not anything like what other people have.  I've got the "easy" life.  LOL!  Yeah right!  But that's what people think.  If they only knew my real life and struggles.  Truth is...no one really knows my hurts...no one.  Why?  Because most of the time they are needing me to help them and never stop to see if I am okay.  I just smile, help them however I can, and then they move on and I'm left alone...again.

Why am I like this?  I guess I have always had to be...but that's another story...and a post that will take much longer to write.  Let's just say, it is hard being the "responsible one" and the "good one" because you can never let anyone down.  Heaven forbid I have a bad day...say something not so "sweet" or kind or "normal" for me... because as soon as I have that kind of day, I'm the bad person.

Okay...enough with the feels for tonight.   Life is hard.  Things hurt.  People let you down.  You screw up.  Life goes on...  Emotions flood the soul.

Who flipped the ON switch?

Not sure what happened, but the ON switch of my brain has been flipped!  Suddenly I want and need to write.  Suddenly I have so many things that are bouncing around in my brain that I have to get them OUT!  My blog began as a place for me to process things that I was going through at the time.  It has been a PRIVATE blog much of the time and only shared with a select few.  I felt led to open it up and be real openly with anyone who felt the need to read someone else's struggles and journey.  So, I did that.  It still stresses me to be so transparent and I very often censor what I am writing for fear of offending someone or for the fear of being too honest and too real. 

So here goes nothing....let's be real for a moment.  Rejection sucks.  (I wanted to censor that and find the right words to be politically correct or more lady like but truth is...it does suck!)  Why is it that we seek approval from people?  Why do we base our worth on what others believe and think about us?  Why can a simple rejection seem to destroy all our self confidence?  I don't know the answers I just know that they all are true for me. 

Rejection comes in many different forms. Not making the team.  Not being picked to join a club.  Not winning a contest.  Not having your accomplishments recognized.  Not being invited to a party or being left out of a planned event.  It could be as simple as not being asked to go to lunch with the group or left out of a conversation. I've seen my girls go through the rejection of break-ups and friends that are more "fair weather" friends than those you can depend on.  We listen to lies whispered in our heads that we are not good enough, not smart enough, not pretty enough, too quiet, too loud, too much of something for someone to handle.  All of this...ALL OF THIS...feeds that feeling of rejection that can take over your life if you let it.

Now before anyone thinks this is just about not being the one picked to stay at my current school, it really isn't that.  It is so much more than that!  However, I will admit that not being the "chosen" teacher to stay on our campus did sting a bit.  I had all those thoughts that I'm sure the other teachers had as well.  You know the ones like..."Why didn't she choose me?" or "Am I not good enough?"  or "Does she not like me?"  Yeah...all of those did roll around in my head for a day or so, but tonight it is about so much more than that. 

Have you ever had a person that you sought acceptance from?  A mentor or someone you just looked up to?  How does it feel when that person does not ever acknowledge you or your accomplishments?  For me it is one of those things that makes me feel like something is wrong with me.  No matter how much I try to prove myself or my worth to this person, she continually does not acknowledge me.  This year I was named lead teacher for our department and Teacher of the Year for our campus.  (Both of these were great honors to me.) I thought maybe, just maybe, I would hear from her and get a "congratulations" at least.  Nothing.  Nothing at all was said.  It has gotten to be such a sore spot for me that I even notice that she will comment very kind things on other people's posts on social media, but not even an "I'm praying for you and your family," during the scare with my brother's health.  Nothing.  Zero.  It is like I am invisible! 

Now I KNOW in my head that this is ridiculous and that one person's opinion should not matter that much to me...but it does.  This person is a "wonderful" person in everyone's eyes...highly respected and seen as someone you want to know.  I continually ask myself what I have done to be shunned by her.  Why am I not good enough to be even acknowledged by her! 

It is crazy how one person's rejection starts messing with your head.  I catch myself wondering what's so wrong with me.  Why do people not like me?  What am I doing, or not doing, that makes me not fun or good enough to be around?  Okay...enough!  See what I mean!  It starts messing with your head. 

I know I am not everyone's cup of tea...that's okay.  I know I am not the most outgoing and fun person.  That's okay too!  I know I am sometimes too serious...too caring...and too emotional.  That's okay as well!  I know I can't depend on people to do what I would do for them.  I know I have to be true to who I am with or without the approval of the person everyone sees as perfect.  I know that the only person I need to prove myself to is me...and that God already accepts me as I am.  It still doesn't take away the hurt of rejection.  I pray that I don't make others feel this way.  I also hope that someday I can walk out from this shadow of needing approval from others. 

Spring Break...

Spring break is such a blessing for teachers....at this time of year with all the testing stress this break gives us a chance to disconnect from the fast paced life we lead.  I really needed this one.  REALLY needed it!  My body is tired.  My brain is tired.  My spirit is tired.  Rest is what I need.  Rest is what I plan to do.  If I had my way we would be hundreds of miles away from here and disconnected from all real life and just enjoying nature and quiet.  

Spring break as a child for me always meant leaving on Friday as soon as school was out and driving to the mountains.  Ski trips with family and friends from church was the highlight of the year for our family.  I loved it!  I loved to ski!  I loved to be with people and the community that we created as we spent days together traveling.  It was a great way to spend the break.  However, today, my exhausted self can not imagine spending this quiet week with people.  I know that sounds so bad, but sometimes I just need to be alone.  

This time is for me to recharge.  This time is for me to refocus.  This time is for me to be someone other than a teacher.  When the girls were younger this was a time for us to just hang out together and enjoy that mother-daughter time.  Now I'm down to only one daughter at home, who is needing the recharge time as well from her college schedule.  

Recharge!  Re-engergize!  Revive!  Refocus!  REST! To those who are like me, take this time for yourself!  Find some peace.  Get some rest.  Remember that you need to take care of yourself first before you can do anything for anyone else.  

To write or not to write....

That is the question.  To write again or not... It is obvious that over the past several years I have stopped writing like I had at one time.  Maybe it is because I haven't had anything to say...or too much and scared to say it.  I'm not sure, but I'm going to guess it has more to do with life being too crazy and emotional to stop and write.

Life...not sure how to start from that word.  LIFE!  It has been a rough ride lately.  Not sure how to spin it to a positive tonight.  One thing I do know though is that life should be lived and cherished.  Life is not about work.  Life is not about money.  Life has to be about living with purpose and the purpose that God has set before you.  All that is true...and before I get too philosophical, let me get back to being real.  Here is what I know about life...

LIFE IS SHORT AND PRECIOUS!

A little over a week ago my mom messaged me to say my baby brother was in the hospital.  They didn't know what was wrong but he was being kept over night for observation.  He couldn't breathe and his heart rate was too high.  From that point things went down hill quickly.  It has been a roller coaster ride over the past week and a half.  Seeing my baby brother in cardiac icu with all kinds of wires hooked up to him monitoring his every moment just about did this big sister in.  He is my baby baby brother!  Eleven years younger than me.  He was my real life baby doll and the one I carried on my hip everywhere I went.  Now I was watching him lay in a bed and try to breathe.  I was watching his monitor and stressing every time his respirations flatlined (sleep apnea is horrible).

I'm still not okay with the way this is playing out.  His heart is working at only 35%.  He may or may not regain some of his heart function.  His life style and life have to totally change if he is going to live.  Life for him will forever be changed.  The idea of losing my baby brother has just about shaken me to the core.  I have cried more than anyone even knows.  How did this happen?  Why!!!!  I have some of the answers.  I know where some of this comes from.  Maybe in the days and weeks to come I will be able to write more about it.  Maybe.  Right now I just have to wonder about how life goes from here.  How do we help him heal?

LIFE ISN'T ALWAYS FAIR

If you want fair, you can get it in Dallas in the fall when the State Fair is in town!  Well, that's what I tell my students.  Fair isn't fair.  Fair is a joke.  Life for sure is NOT fair!

Reading through my last post reminded me again how unfair life has been in the past few years.  I think my husband is on job number 5 since he lost his job due to someone else's mistake.  A mistake my hubby lost his job over and changed our lives forever.  A mistake not of his doing.  Since then we have lived on a roller coaster ride of finances and emotions.  Five years of a long and nerve wrecking ride.  Just when we think life is settling down and we are handling things again, BAM! Another something comes our way and rocks us again.  Life isn't fair.  But through it all I have learned to trust God for provision.  Somehow we have still made it.  Somehow we are still moving forward.  Somehow we are still making the bills.  That somehow has to be God.  Life isn't fair, but God is good.

LIFE IS ALWAYS CHANGING

There is a "draft" post that never got posted last year.  I'm not sure why I didn't post it but it is sitting in the draft file.  It is funny because it was at the end of the last school year when things were changing.  I was saying good-bye to a co-worker and friend who was retiring and I had accepted a position as lead teacher for 5th grade.  I was also saying good-bye to my 6th grade teaching team.  I had had a GREAT team in 6th grade.  They were my family and I still love and miss them.

Reading over that post is funny because I just found out my work life is changing AGAIN!  This year our school district decided to change the make up of our 3 elementary campuses.  Long story short....I'm being moved from the campus where I have spent 21 years of my life teaching, to a different campus.  So far I am still teaching 5th grade.  Maybe I am still lead teacher...who knows....but I will be with different admin and a different team of teachers.  I will be packing up 21 years of teaching and moving across town.  I have gone back and forth from excited to sad to mad to fearful.  I know that is crazy.  Feelings of shock and disbelief to thoughts of being unwanted and inept have crossed my mind.  Thankfully I have friends who can speak truth into my life.  Thankfully I know that God is going before me in all that I do and nothing happens without him going before me and being with me.  I'm still not sure about where I am emotionally with all this but I am once again learning to enjoy the journey.

LIFE GOES ON...

Life has continued moving forward whether I have wanted it to slow down or back up or rewind!  It keeps pushing forward.  My baby girl has become a junior in college and an engaged woman!  (Wasn't she a baby last week?!?)  That means we are gaining another son-in-law soon.  Our family has grown by 2 more grand babies too.  I am a GRANDMOTHER of 5 now!  FIVE!!!!  I am not sure how my heart can continue to grow in love but each of these new additions adds more love into our lives.

We are finally selling our little house of 30 years and are making plans to build a house on our land by my parents.  We have always dreamt of doing this and now life is moving us forward.  All of it is exciting and scary at the same time.

Whatever it is, life goes on....The world keeps spinning.  Life keeps changing.  Good will happen.  Bad will happen too.  The ride will continue as long as God wills.

LIFE....LIVE IT....

Alone...again...

These last several years have given me more than my fair share of ALONE moments.  It's not something I like very much... Lately the word "alone" really does describe my life.  

Quick recap for all those who are not aware of our journey...About 4 years ago, maybe 5, Mike lost his job in Dallas due to another employee's mistake.  Management wanted to make a statement and fired everyone on the site at the time, even if they had just arrived.  Mike was one of them.  That led our lives into this thing I call the "new normal."  It is anything but normal.  For the next 2 1/2 years, Mike lived out of town during the week and  came home on the weekends.  I had our youngest daughter still home with us then.  That is not the case now, but we will get back to that.  After almost 3 years of living part time as a family, we decided the money wasn't worth it and brought Mike back home with another company and less money.  We didn't mind because we all got to be together again.  That happiness was short lived.  Mike was laid off from that company after almost 3 months.  He found another job that we hoped was the blessing we had been praying for.  A couple of months later...another layoff.  (At this point we were wondering who we had ticked off to be having such trials.)  

Dark days followed but we kept pushing forward.  Mike then found the job he currently has.  It has almost been a year and we are "making it".  However, this week began his first stint working out of town AGAIN!  It could just be for a week or longer.  Either way...I am ALONE!  Really, truly alone!  First time in my life I am solely dependent on myself.  You see before I had our youngest with me when he was out of town.  We were running buddies when Mike would be gone, but now she is off at college and I, well....am here.  ALONE!  Not really sure this is a good thing.  

Being alone means my mind has lots of time to wander...lately it has been trying to figure out why life has not turned out like we planned.  Now, before you think I am just going to whine a lot...and I might...KNOW that I KNOW we have so many blessings.  I count them.  I do.  Over and over and over again....they are what keep me going.  But I am going to be honest...and human...it is hard to stay positive.  

Those who know me, really know me, know that my faith is strong.  You know I believe and I pray and I try to live a life that honors God.  With that said, I am human.  Flawed and just as weak and sinful as anyone else.  These last several years have really tested that faith.  I have been angry with God.  (Don't worry, I'm sure he can handle my anger.)  I've been angry with the guy who caused this whole whirlwind we have lived in because of his stupid mistake that could have cost him his life, but instead cost us our "normal" life. I've been mad at my husband...for what, I'm not sure, but I find myself mad at him for all of this.  (None of which was his fault.) Anger seems to work pretty well for a while, but it gets old.  Lately, while I sit here alone I feel that anger start working its way back up into my consciousness.  Just who I am angry at, I'm not sure.  LIFE maybe.  God maybe.  Myself....possibly.  Why?  I have no idea.  

Being alone also brings up those "I wish I could...I wish I had...I should have" moments. Then, I beat myself up for those lost moments and chances.  I think and rethink about how I would do things differently.  But do I really want life to be so different that I would change the events that brought us together rather than tearing us apart?  These thoughts tend to make me realize why people have a mid-life crisis!  The urge to sell everything and run away is real.  It gets stronger and stronger while the idea of just starting over fresh screams from my brain!  Now don't worry....I'm not leaving my family and running away...even though the thought has crossed my mind...but that would leave me ALONE.  Isn't that what I DON'T want to be?  

So tonight...after fighting with my electric recliner that decided to quit working (I fixed it!) and then dealing with our TV that suddenly had no sound and then would not come back on (fixed it too) I decided to look at my blog for the first time since 2012!  (How in the world has it been 5 years since I have written anything? )  Writing was always my way of processing those thoughts that struggled and fought with each other inside my head.  They need a place to come to life.  To be heard.  To be understood.  Just to be...  While reading over several old posts, it made me remember those feelings in the moments described.  I saw that it was where I was able to be the most transparent and real, or as real as possible.  I know that during those days I locked down the privacy to my blog.  Lots of raw emotions and thoughts were written.  Sometimes something inspirational or thought provoking would come out, but mostly it was the emotions of those days that found a home in my writing.

Maybe writing will become my friend during these lonely days and VERY lonely nights.  Maybe it will help me with my anger.  Maybe it will help me figure out what direction my life is going in.  Maybe, just maybe, it will help someone else too as I fight through some things.  So...I'm going to be as brave as I can be...I'm going to open up my privacy settings and share my blog.  YIKES!  I think I may have a panic attack just from writing those words!

My blog is called "Fingerprints and Stray Hairs" for the image they leave of imperfection and being a bit messy, but also for the idea that they also leave an impression or a bit of themselves upon the people and places they touch. I ask that you travel gently down this path with me.  That you understand the fragility of the words and thoughts and don't hold them against me.  I hope that as you travel this road with me that you will excuse the messy, imperfect person that tries to write and will see that being human or Christian does not mean you have to have it all together, but that you keep going and believing even when you feel all alone.

In Him...Denise

Somewhere in the Shadows....

Somewhere in the shadows she stands
watching from the corner
listening to the laughter
smiling at those who see...
her lingering quietly.

She stores the moments tenderly
in her heart full of love
for the child she watches now
has become a woman before her eyes.

Memories now of all that was
dreams of all that will be.
Moments...only moments left...
and these will also become
precious memories.

Standing in the shadows
crying a single tear...
a heart filled with love
for her child now joined
with another heart forever.

Standing alone she sees
all the dreams she held so tightly
become reality simply because
she gave them to the Father.

Two hearts once joined
and a dream was created...
many prayers were prayed
love was given
faith was shared
prayers were answered...
new lives now joined...
and in the shadows
this mom cries tenderly......

Heart Surgery....

How do you cut people out of your life?  Better yet, how do you cut them out of your heart?  I've never been one to be able to let go easily.  You see, when I love and let people in, I let them all the way in.  I give too much of myself.  I don't trust easily, but once I feel like I can, I'm usually all in.  That's what gets me in trouble. 

How many times...how many lessons....how many hurts will I have to endure to get it through my thick head that I can't keep caring more than others care?  It is so frustrating to me.  I feel there must be something wrong with me at times.  I can't cut others out of my life.  I can't just turn the page and pretend years did not happen...memories did not exist....friendships were not there. 

Help me with this if you can....because I don't understand.  It really is a tangled web that led me to this place.  I had a friend who I thought of almost like a sister.  We had both been through health scares in the last several years and helped each other through them.  We had invested in each other's lives and I had even let my children become close to her too.  We spent most days together....laughing or even crying when necessary....together.  We went through loss...loss of family and dreams and love together and helped each other through it.  We had each other's back in times of trouble and I even trusted the lives of my children with her.

I think the turning point was when there was a loss that I could not fix or make right for them.  It was out of my control even though I was very close to the situation.  I guess people don't see that you can love them through just about anything....well, at least that's the way I try to be.  The loss was deep and hard on my friend and many times I was pushed away but always was there for when she was ready to talk.  I tried to continue to be just me.  To be the friend I knew to be.....but I was too close to the hurt.  I wasn't part of the hurt...just too close....a reminder.  And I'm sure in my friend's mine, I had to have some connection to it....but with all that I am....I know that I was not connected in any way.  I would have fixed it if I could have.  I would have made it go away.  But there was nothing I could do....nothing.

So I guess sometimes a hurt can be too big.  It can consume a soul.  It can block out truth and love and twist memories and destroy friendships.  I see that when something becomes such a deep dark hole and filled with pain that it can literally kill.  It can kill trust.....kill loyalty....kill friendships....kill everything that once was good.  It can change people.  Consume them from the inside out.....and lash out at those who once stood closest.

I know that is where I am to.  I know I am the victim of pain....pain that has consumed my friend.  Pain that has burned away all memories of a friendship that felt more like family but has left us as strangers...and even enemies in my friend's eyes.  I know it was because I was too close.  I had been trusted too much and pain has convinced my friend that I am dangerous.  Pain has become the friend....and there is no longer room for me.

Now where do I go?  What do I do?  Pain has left me sad and alone.  Pain has pushed me away again.  How do I not become closed off and bitter from this situation?  The only answer I have is God...He is love.  Love covers a multitude of sins....and pain.  So somehow in my hurt, in my new pain, I am going to fight the bitterness that wants to consume my heart too and remain in His love.  That's all I know to do.  I can't fight this fight alone.  I can't give in to pain and resentment, like my flesh wants me to.  I need to continue to love.....and pray that pain will someday let go of my friend and restore what was lost.

Dreams.....

Nights like tonight when dreams wake me from a dead sleep into a panic mode are just so frustrating!  Thankfully this dream won't come true.  It's too far out there....but it still has my heart just a racing and my mind whirling.

Dreams are a funny thing.  Sometimes they get you through the hard times and keep you focused on the next chapter.  Other times they fall apart and leave you feeling lost and confused.  Then there are those times where you can't even dare to dream again.  Dreams are just such a mystery. 

I don't have any wise words tonight as my eyes get heavy and my body relaxes again to hopefully let me try to sleep.....except this....don't give up on the good dreams.  Hang on to them.  Disregard the nightmares....let them go and don't dwell on them.  They only make your heart hurt and your mind restless.  Don't give power to them.  Focus on the next good dream....and if you haven't dared to dream in a while....tell God your desires and let Him fill your dreams with what He can provide. 

Maybe...just maybe...the next dream will be a really good one....don't give up on dreaming!