Alone......

You know there are some things a mother's heart just can not bear.  Seeing your child hurting and in pain that you can not fix is one of those heartaches that seem to scar a mother's heart.  I remember a verse in the Bible talking about Mary storing things in her heart as she watched her son minister to the world and leave her side.  I can only imagine how her heart broke when she watched the pain and suffering he went through on the cross for all of us.

I wasn't sure where this writing was going this morning until that last sentence I typed.  I watched from behind my camera lens as my daughter made this long ride up to us from saying good-bye to her love.  She watched him walk away and head to an airplane that would take him to the other side of the world.  She knew saying good-bye meant months without him.  She knew that these two weeks of being inseparable had now come to an end and she was once again.......alone.  She knew she was giving him up so that he could go do a job that so many that he fights for could care less about.  She knew that his sacrifice of his life was now also her sacrifice as well. 

My heart aches this morning.  I wake and check all the posts from overnight to see if they have gotten to talk at all.  I watch for news of where he is and how he is doing.  I listen to see if she is sleeping or typing on a computer screen to him or if she is crying again.  I watch her put on a brave face when she can and face the world head on.  With pride I have read her responses to the many posts supporting her, knowing that each time she types a "thank you" or a response she is reliving this last moment together.

My baby girl does not let me do much of the comforting right now.  She is being strong as she can and my hugs only break that barrier and make her break down again.  Right now I need to be her strength.  I need to be ready for the break, but hold steady until then.  I need to be.....tough.  Frankly, tough is not what I feel at all.  I have only seen such heartache and grief a few times.....but watching it on my baby girl is almost too much for this momma.  All I want to do is hold her and cry with her.  I want to take away that pain, but I know I can not.  I want to "fix" all this and make it better.  Bring him home and watch them be happy once again. 

I watch her put one step in front of the other and move forward slowly right now.  I watch her tear up if something is said that hits a soft spot.  I also try to stay tough when her words or responses back to me are less than kind.  I know it comes from that hurt and sadness she is feeling.  It just makes me feel so helpless....and alone myself.  I want to cry.  I want to scream.  I want to rock my baby girl.  I want to be the one to comfort her right now, but she wants to handle this on her own, in her own way with her own grief.  She needs her daddy's strong arms right now and not her momma's soft shoulder.  She needs to process these feelings on her own.........and really, the only one she wants to comfort her is the one she can not have right now.

This is one of the hardest things I've done....watching my baby girl try to walk this road alone.  Being this "strong" army fiance' and being so proud of her soldier while sacrificing herself through this too.  She will lean on us when she has to, but knowing her, she will try to do it all on her own.  I will watch quietly and wait patiently for when she needs me or when I see that wall begin to crumble.  I will be ready to catch her when it all starts falling in.....but until then...I will store these things in my heart and keep them close to me.  Sometimes only a mother's heart alone can understand these things...........

A mother's love....

I really really should be asleep right now.  I should be trying to rest and prepare for the day ahead.  I am going to need every bit of my wits about me today, but yet, my brain is not letting me.  So much has happened in such a short amount of time.  Two weeks.....two weeks is all it takes to change a life.  Two weeks to totally become part of my heart more so than ever before.  Two weeks......and now.....it is time to say good-bye.

I have never dreamed of being a soldier's mom.  I have daughters!  None of them....well, maybe Tara....ever has considered being in the military.  I have never even considered the possibility of sending one of my babies off to war.....off to Afghanistan or Iraq or some other God-forsaken place like that!  I have never considered the sleepless nights and the heartache that I would feel if I had to watch them load a plane and leave me for 6 months or longer....knowing that might be the last hug or kiss I would ever get from them.  I didn't have to think about these things.  They were NOT on my radar at all. The worse thing I worried about was my baby girls driving to and from college and their navigating the dangers of the interstate system.  I might have to worry about them being out and about on their own and the dangers that lurk in this world, but I had trained them well to be aware of their surroundings and I knew they were more safe than most.

You know, as a mom, you just always carry your children in your heart.  No matter what they do.  Through the good...the bad...the down right mean and ugly...the disappointments...the triumphs....the "what were you thinking" moments....all of it, you love your babies.  You want nothing but love and happiness for them.  You want them to find joy and find hope for a future.  You just want your child to be everything and more you dreamed they would be and that they have someone to share that with in their lives.

Somehow.....two worlds have collided for me...my "safe bubble" world where my girls are all accounted for and have relatively safe lives and the world of an army mom, saying good-bye to a child.  No, none of my babies have joined the army.  Thankfully.....but it feels like they have.  I want to stop here and say once again.....I HAVE NO IDEA HOW ARMY MOMS DO IT!  They are the bravest, most faithful, prayerful, supportive women I know!  I am blessed to call one of them my dear friend.  I also now get to call her family.  You see, I'm becoming one of them.....in a round-about way.  Not my flesh and blood....but my soon-to-be son-in-law has brought me to this place.  He has made these deep places in my heart hurt with worry and swell with pride all at the same time.

I remember when Dustin told us he was joining the army.  I cried with his momma then!  He has always been "one of my boys."  As a teacher, I have several young men and women that I will always consider mine.  It is the best part of my job!  But, Dustin was never one of my students.  He was one of my oldest daughter's classmates and the son of a high school friend and his wife, who worked with me at school.  She and I bonded over having children the same age and the connection between our husbands being friends in high school (Shawn was my friend too).  Our friendship grew from the years of working together, watching our kids grow up and something about that year of graduation from high school for our kids really geld our friendship.  I would joke with my oldest, Ashton, that if her current boyfriend (now husband) didn't work out, I thought Dustin would be a great choice.  She would say "yea Mom, he's a great guy" and laugh at me and move on.  Oh mercy if I had known then how much this "great guy" would mean to us.

 Dustin started calling me "Momma Farmer" years ago.  I'm not really sure when that happened, but it just did.  I watched him graduate high school, move out on his own, take responsibility and get a job, then have to go through the struggle of looking for a new job during those years of lay-offs everywhere.  I watched him go from being in a pretty serious relationship to a break up that was very hard on him and his family.  I watched him decide to join the military and I remember saying....."please don't join the army."  I didn't want to see him go.  I didn't want him in harms way because he was already a special young man in our lives.  He was the son of one of my best friends.  He was a classmate of my daughter.  He was like a big brother to my youngest.  He was a good friend to my Tara.  He was special to us already and I didn't want to see him go.



I couldn't do it.  I will just be very frank and honest.  I even begged Dustin NOT to go.  NOT to do this.  Don't put your life at risk for anyone!  I couldn't do it.  I could NOT give my child for anyone else.  Nope!  Not happening!  I can not even imagine the thought!  I'm a selfish mom.  I don't want to let them go that far away and ever be at risk of losing them.  Luckily, I thought, I would never have to feel that or worry about that, because you see, I'm the mother of daughters....not sons...and my daughters were not going to be military candidates.  (Even though 2 of the 3 can shoot a rifle pretty darn well!)

About a year ago, while Dustin was stationed in Germany, he and Tara continued their friendship via chatting online and texting.  Dustin was far from home.  Tara had always considered him a friend and they had always picked at each other.  This friendship really started becoming an important daily connection for them both.  I laugh looking back at it.  She was picking on him about a picture he had posted on his Facebook with a model in the back ground.  He replaced the picture of the model with a picture of Tara and reposted the picture!  Tara was shocked and we all got a good laugh out of it.  I would say.....that was the beginning of my worlds colliding!  This friendship continually grew.  He was a constant in her life.  She depended on his friendship while she was away at college.  I remember her saying to me about a year ago......"Mom, I think I like Dustin."  I'll admit, it worried me.  He was in GERMANY...she was in Texas.  He would be there and then deployed and so he would not be back in the states for 2 years.  WHAT WAS SHE THINKING?  She was in college!  She needed to hang out and enjoy being a college kid.  I was worried she would sit in her room, wait by her computer and have this "virtual" relationship.  PLUS I didn't want to see something happen to this great friendship they had going.....because relationships that end usually kill friendships.  Selfishly, I didn't want anything to happen to my friendship with his mom and dad either!!!!  So......yes.....I discouraged the "liking" him part and encouraged building on the friendship.

It was the right choice....at the time.  They continued the online friendship.  They became each other's BEST friend.  She got him through hard times in Germany and he listened and helped her through struggles at school.....but then came time for R&R before his deployment.  It was so obvious at that point that I was wrong about their friendship.....it was meant to be more.  If you've heard the phrase "sparks fly", well, that was them!  INSTANTLY!  She was going to be home as much as she could while he was in for his R&R before deployment.  She drove in 3 weekends in a row.  That was normally unheard of!!!  Suddenly I started seeing pictures of them together when they would "run in to each other" while she was home.  Hummmmmm.....  Then came the date.....one real date....and he would be leaving again, but that was not where it would end.

WORLDS COLLIDE!  The relationship began I believe on July 10....he was in Germany and she was here.  Skype "dates" became a normal word around here.  Giddiness when the phone would ring or a text would come through.  It was so fun to watch, but my heart started hurting then.  I knew what was next.  DEPLOYMENT to Afghanistan.....one of the top 5 most dangerous regions.  I knew it would be hard on my girl.  I could see how attached she was becoming.  I also could see that he was becoming even more dependent on her.  What if she couldn't handle it?  What if this ended and hurt feelings tore apart all our friendships?  I began praying....even more so than ever....for his safety and for their relationship.  Then their break-up happened.....for 2 weeks.....and I thought they both would not make it.  Thankfully they were strong enough to make it through it......and they have never looked back since.

Dustin's been home now for 2 weeks.  He had been gone for 6 months and this R&R was very much needed.  It has been a wonderful 2 weeks.  He proposed to my baby girl only a few days ago.  Their connection and love is so very strong and evident.  Those sparks are flames at this point....  And now....it is time to say good-bye again.  I don't know how to do that.  You see, he now has a deep place in my heart right beside my girl.  He is now one of mine just as if he were my son.  This young man that I have watched grow up and become the man I see now gives me very much pride as well.  I don't know how his momma does it.  She is one of the strongest women I know.  I don't want to let him go.  I don't want to share him with the country or this world.  I want him here with us.  Here with his family....

It's funny how a mother's heart can grow......I've never had a son.  I've never been an army mom.  I've never watched my boy become a man, but I've watched my daughter fall head over heels in love with this soldier, who has captured her heart and carved his place in our family.  This mother's love fails in comparison to his momma's love for him.....but I pray he knows how deeply loved he is by this momma  too. 

Polished Diamonds....

The other day my dear friend, Julie, took one look at my wedding ring and said...."You need to let me clean that for you!"  Yep....it needed it.  My poor ring.  It has seen over 25 years of wear and tear.  One stone is missing....one prong is bent.  The center diamond has been knocked out...lost....found...remounted and braced.  My ring has seen good days....bad days....long days....and days that just went way too fast.  Through all those days, I've worn my ring.  I don't take it off.  Now days it is because it is a little tight on my finger, so it doesn't come off easily, but I remember when it was a choice whether to take it off or not.  I still chose not to!  On this particular day....it was a mess!  It was dull and dirty....caked with lotions and soaps that didn't wash off with water and at that moment I realized I had been neglecting the polishing and shining that it needed!

This little innocent comment by my friend got my brain spinning.....what else had I neglected?  My ring is a symbol of a promise of love and fidelity to my husband.  It is a symbol of the life we have pledged to each other.  It announces to the world that I have committed my life to one man as my husband and best friend.  So what did my dirty ring say....I don't care?  It's unimportant?  Our life is a mess?  I know that is not what my friend was saying....she use to work for a jeweler so she was just noticing innocently that my ring needed a good cleaning, but my heart screamed something different to me.

Have I been taking for granted what I once held so highly?  Have I become complacent and unaware of the polishing that needs to be done in our marriage?  Have I quit doing those things that keep the shine and sparkle visible?  Honestly......yes, I had.  Those little things....the hand holding....the quick little peck on the lips....the smile when my hubby would get home....all had become overshadowed by the busyness and craziness of daily life.  Stress at work....stress at home....bills....illness....obligations....all those things that have taken away from what I once held as the most important part of my life.....my husband, my best friend, my life. 

This week I have watched baby girl #2 accept a beautiful band of diamonds from her best friend.  Her soul mate.  They sparkle.  They shine.  They shout to the world that she loves this young man and that she plans to spend the rest of her life loving him.  They tell of his great love and adoration for her.  If those diamonds were a representation of their love, you would have to say it is one of remarkable beauty and value, highly valued and prized.  I watched her sleep holding her hand gently so her ring would not slip or fall.  I watched her admire the way it sits on her hand.  How gently she holds that hand now!  How proudly she shows all those who want to see it!  How much she smiles at knowing what those diamonds represent to her!  How he smiles knowing she has accepted his ring that is a symbol of his love for her!

Oh to be back there again......young....in love....and untarnished by life.  Marriage is such a journey....sometimes even a battle.  There are scars and bruises.  There are times where those diamonds don't shine near as much as they use to, but the most beautiful thing about those diamonds is that they become more valuable with time.  Their beauty through the years come from the memories you make and struggles that you overcome together.  They may become knocked around, dislodged, even lost at times, but as long as you remember the value they hold and the love they proclaim....then a little polish will do the trick and help them shine all over again!