Finding Me.....

I sat down to write a little and ended up reading over some of my last few posts. The first thing I noticed is that I really really need to proof these things before I publish them!!! LOL! Seriously, thank you for not judging these and knowing that this is my outlet and not my "perfect" publications. That sounded funny....publications? I doubt that will ever happen, mainly because all I seem to be able to write about nowadays is my crazy busy life. Maybe something inspirational will come out again one day.....

Tonight it is all about me again.....sad, I know. Maybe if I change my focus some, my writing will get to being what it once was.....but right now, I'm too self focused. Maybe that is okay. Maybe I am needing this time of just looking inward and finding me again. In my last post...or maybe the one before it...I gave a hint of what I might be writing about....well, that's probably where I am headed. This year, this time in my life, seems to be a time of self reflection. Hopefully this will be a time of finding out who I WANT to be rather than who I am suppose to be. Somewhere along the way I have figured out that I am just not that special! LOL! I know that sounds harsh and in some ways I mean it that way and in others, it is a bit humorous.

I have told my girls more than once in their little lives, that this world does not revolve around them, but for many years I believed it did around me as well! Pride...yea, that was part of it, but some of it I think was from this impression that was made upon me at a very young age, that everyone was watching and depending on ME to do things right. I can tell you right now, I blew that a long time ago! However what this impression has done to me is to cripple me and my ability to do just about anything. I have to do things the "right" way....whatever that is!!! I have to make sure things look right and sound right and that what others see will not lead them down the wrong path. Now, I know some of that came from Bible lessons and about looking after your brothers and sisters and about not leading others astray because your punishment would be worse for causing someone else to sin. I haven't changed my beliefs on this, but I have decided to try to cut myself a little slack. I AM NOT PERFECT NOR WAS I EVER INTENDED TO BE!!!

I told my momma tonight how much I appreciated her efforts to teach me to control my temper and hold my tongue and how to turn the other cheek, but that I had just about come to the end of my mercy and grace. I have decided I'm tired of "playing" the nice person. I'm tired of lying down and being walked on. I'm tired of being the peacemaker or keeper or even the negotiator. I think I am about to the end of that "what if they get mad at me" stage in my life and I'm moving in to the "I don't care if they like me or not" period!

This week my walk with Christ has been called hypocritical. Yep.....that's me....a blatant sinner. Oh wait...we all have sinned and fall short of the Glory of God. I know that. I know I don't deserve one bit of the grace that I have been given. I know that better than most. I have many people fooled. But I will say I am not a hypocrite. I love my Lord....and I want to be more like him every day. I have to say, though, that being like Him, does not mean people can walk all over me. Right? People don't get to be hateful to my children and get away with it. People don't get to harass my daughters or call us hypocrites on facebook and it be okay...do they? Do I keep turning the other cheek and letting this anger and bitterness build up? NO! I know I need to forgive....I am doing that daily....over and over and over again! But when does it become okay for me to just explode and tell people what I think and feel and not have to feel guilty over doing it?

I'm sure this has become a ramble again with no topic sentence or theme or grand idea to guide what I have written. Basically, this is just me being hurt and angry and sad and disappointed and frustrated and not being able to publicly speak out or act out or do anything that would seem "unfitting" of a lady....a Christian...or the image I somewhere decided I had to uphold. Let me just say.....I'm not perfect. I screw up. I don't use the right words...or even the proper words all the time. I cuss...sorry Mom...I swear....I drink from time to time, but only a little...it's not my thing....I even say "ain't" which is a cardinal sin for teachers!!! I am not the perfect model of a Christian. I can not walk in Jesus' shoes....but then again, no one can.

This I do know....I love my family and my God. I live for both of them. I may not do it all right but now that I know it is not all about me and that the world won't stop if I do it wrong, I am going to step out a little more. I might have that drink, right in front of the good ol' church ladies. I may slip and say that "s" word that slips out every now and then when I kick my toe. I might even go dancing, which I really miss doing. I might even tell someone off in the near future....and feel ok about it. If they don't like it...or me....oh well....it's not all about me.

I am bound and determined to find that backbone I use to have. The one that got me through those crazy years of high school. I'm not going to worry about whether you like me or not or if I did things right for you.....it is not up to you to judge me, now is it? If you can't be my friend because I won't smile anymore and let you push me around, well, then, you weren't much of a friend before now, so it won't be hard to let you go.

Again, I know this all sounds a bit harsh, and lots of it comes from new hurts and pains that have been forced on me or my family in the last months. But these things have made me look at myself and wonder where that person went that was strong and determined and KNEW where she stood and didn't care if people didn't like her. You know, that girl that only cared what God thought of her....before the world got a hold of her.....that's who I'm looking for again.

What would you say?

I really don't want to write tonight but I have to get this out....It has bounced around in my head all day. We lost another friend this week. She was a great inspirations and very kind to all she came in contact with. She made her life a life of caring for and teaching children. She helped lead our school district and was always someone who support us as teachers. She lost her fight with cancer yesterday and went to join those who have gone ahead of us. It was said that one of her girls stated, "God needed her to get the school district in heaven organized." That is something she could do easily!

The thing that keeps me awake at night right now is her girls. She fought for over a year trying to beat this killer. She stayed positive and encouraged others as she could. I can not imagine the shoes she had to walk in these past few months. She knew the fight was over. She knew the time had come. She knew her days were becoming fewer and she knew she would soon leave her girls behind. I use to think about how others would feel loosing a parent but now I put myself in that parent role. What would I want to say to my girls before I left them? What would I need to tell them? How do you prepare your daughters to go forward in life without their mother?

I know some other girls who never had the opportunity to hear those words from their momma because she was taken suddenly. I know she would have wanted to give them some words of love and guidance if she had had the chance. These girls didn't get that chance either to tell their momma how they loved her. If only they had had that chance.

So what would you say? If you had only a few days...hours...left, what would you want to say to those you love the most? Your spouse? Your children? Your parents?

We never know when it will come.....don't hold back the words that you need to say...

Yes.....I'm still here....

I have been horrible about keeping up with my writing lately. Even those simple rantings of mine have failed to make it on here. Life has just been a whirlwind since school started.

I do feel that I am to start writing again. I know I have said that before and for those who read this, you know it only comes when I feel inspired or prompted to write. It does not come easy for me to put what I think or feel out there for others to read. My very private side does not like others knowing so much about me! Those of you who are here with me are among a very select and lucky (if you want to call it luck) few.

So let's recap the last several months.....school....school.....school....and school. Honestly I can say it has consumed my life. Every once of my brain power and energy have been taken over by school. To say our year started off with a bang is quite true! The last I wrote we had just seen the accidentally overdose of one of our 8th graders. Since that time we have had a high school senior die tragically in a car accident, our principal quit/retired suddenly, one of my students tried to hang himself on PURPOSE during recess from the swings, another one of my students is now in a psychiatric hospital for make a "hit" list and detailing how he would kill the people on his list, another student served time in our BIC center for also making a list of how to kill a specific boy in several different ways, our assistant superintendent resigned due to her brain cancer spreading, one of my best friends had a scare with melanoma, my student with a form of autism continues to test my skills as a teacher, one of my students is being abused by her older sister and it happen today at school too, plus I have one parent who is set on making this year our worst year ever. Our school has had several extreme events lately with teachers and students being in the center of the drama. It has been INSANE! I'm lucky to still be in my right mind!

On a happier note.....my grandbaby is growing by leaps and bounds! Yes, I said GRANDBABY!!! Ashton is expecting in May. I am so excited. I even got to see my little sweetpea/doodlebug in a sonogram last month. He/she was precious and had hiccups the whole time we were looking at him/her. Ashton has been sick for 4 months now and is longing for the day she feels better. I'm sure Todd is longing for that day too!

Tara continues to do well in college! She has also had a rough start to this year. Her summer was, let's say, less than wonderful. But I can say she is a little bit wiser and a whole lot stronger because of it.

Chelsea is loving jr. high school. Unbelievable that she is in 7th grade!!! She had her first tennis match last night and we enjoyed watching her and our niece play a doubles match.

Life is going.....and going.....and going..... It seems to never slow down long enough for us to enjoy much of it. Mike works too hard and too much. School wears me out. Chelsea is even tired enough that she doesn't want to do much at night. We are just meeting ourselves coming and going. I really did think life would slow down with just one baby girl at home....boy was I wrong!

We also have been involved in another ministry opportunity. Steppingstones kicks off officially in February and January will be a month of rehearsals! It is exciting and scary at the same time. I'm not sure how God wants me to serve in this ministry but I am praying He shows me his plan. So far, I am working on the newsletter for the ministry and writing a little for it.

So, I think that is my life....at the moment. I'm sure I have forgotten something....but right now I'm too tired to think. I will say that a thought has been taking up residence in my brain and is waiting for me to write it somewhere.....not sure what it will look like. I'm sure I will eventually get it down...my thoughts are these so far....here's your sneak peak in to what I am/will be writing about:

Nothing special?
When did I quit believing I was special?
Who I am not....Not the cheerleader....Not the top student....Not the prettiest.....Not the smartest....Not the most prized....Not...Not....Not....

As you can see....this one will not be easy. I know I have to write it, but the words have just not come yet. I thought maybe tonight I would be able to get started on putting my ideas down in written form, but so far I haven't been able to. I guess just being able to tell you all about the trials and struggles of the last couple of months is enough for today.

So, yes, I am still here and still writing just not publishing very much.....bear with me....It will get better eventually....I know it has to!

Tomorrow is too late....

This has been a week....and it is only Tuesday!!!! School started which is always an eventful occasion. It has been good so far...I'm behind already I think, but oh well, I'll make up for it. I just have to find my GROOVE again! LOL....

Seriously though, it has been a hard week. Saturday morning I got a text from my mom telling me that a long time friend's dad died. Then on Sunday morning the news came of one of our 8th graders that had died from a drug overdose. It has been a hard week...and yes, it is only Tuesday.

The loss of my friend's dad hit all of us hard. When I read my mom's text, I gasped out loud! It literally stopped me in my tracks. I couldn't believe it! I have not seen this man in years, but I have many fond memories of times spent with him and his family. I also have many hurt feelings towards this man, for the way he tore his family apart and left them as well as many of us battered and bruised.

As I talked to Mom and we thought of our long ago friends, both of us were saddened both by his death and the way he ended his life. He had been one of those teachers at church that I loved listening too. He had a zest for life. He was fun and always had the best of everything. From the outside, this was the perfect family! Perfect house...perfect cars....perfect clothes....just perfect.... However, truth was, they were far from perfect.

I remember hearing that he was having an affair. I couldn't believe it. I had sat in his class as newly wed and listened to scripture after scripture against adultery and divorce and yet now he was the one caught in that snare. I can only imagine how his family felt because I was angry myself...and hurt...and disgusted! Needless to say, it tore his family apart. His wife, his son, his daughter....all were caught in the storm that followed.

I had lost track of my friends after the divorce. It has been 21 years or so since I had last seen the dad. It was at his son's wedding. I haven't seen his daughter since probably high school. I have seen his ex-wife on several occasions and have watched her put her life back together. Unfortunately, not all of them have been able to do it.

I talked to the son of this man this week. Funny, we use to be great friends, we grew up together and spent almost every spring break with each other's family. Ski buddies, friends, co-workers (when he worked for my daddy) and so on....I hadn't seen him since his wedding. I can't believe it has been that long ago. But talking to him this week, I have seen the broken, damaged shell of who he once was. It breaks my heart. But even sadder were the words spoken against his father.... When asked about a memorial service, his children asked "Seriously, who would come?"

I pray that his father found some peace and forgiveness before he died. However, his children are left with regrets and anger and grief they don't know how to deal with. The image of him in his nursing home bed alone at the end of his life with no one to comfort him, just tears my heart apart. As awful as he was in the end to his family and friends, how horrible it must have been for him to be all alone. Even more sad is the pain of regret and grief that I listened to in his son's voice. Just such brokenness.....

Then came the death of an 8th grader....also the son of a friend from high school. He was one year older than Chelsea and was out at a party doing drugs! At the most he was 14...but probably still only 13. How can this kind of thing happen to a child? It makes me angry too. Some people immediately blame his parents, but from what I understand, he had lied to both of them about where he would be. There are just no answers when a child dies....even of his own doing. This is the second child in this class to die. One to suicide and now one to drugs.....

One of my favorite songs right now talks about telling those you love that you love them....time is short. Don't waste another minute on anger, regret, resentment, bitterness.....I promise you, when the day comes that you can no long make something right, it will rip through your heart and leave more than just grief. Say it...make a point to forgive and live a life void of regrets. Tomorrow is not a promise....just ask my friends. They would give anything to have one more day...or one more minute with the ones they lost.....now, it is too late.

At the crossroads.....

Remember Tom Hanks in the movie Castaway where at the end he has to decide which way to go? He stands at an intersection, looking at a map and then takes a chance and follows where his heart leads. I feel that my child is the one standing in an intersection and now has to choose which way to go...and the rest of her life depends on this moment and choice!

How did we get here? How can one way be better than another? Is there a right way or a wrong way? Is there a predetermined path or is it all just left up to chance?

Life has been a roller coaster ride this summer for my baby. She has trusted and been hurt. She has opened her heart to only feel pain she didn't know she could feel. She has taken a chance and headed down a road which now ends at this crossroad. So how does she choose which way to go? The paths are not clear. There is only so far down the road that she can see. Some of the way on each road is very clear but then there are the places out of sight and very unknown. Those are the places that this decision will most effect.

The other night a friend asked me if I could go back in time what event would I change and why. At first I thought I would not change a thing because it led me to where I am today, but then after thinking about it for a while, I realized that I took the longer road to get to this place. Maybe it was even an unnecessary side trip and that if I had chosen differently then I would still be able to be here today but without the pain and maybe even sooner than now. I don't know if that is right or not. I know that I have never taken the easy way to anything. I always stood up to a challenge and just knew I could do the impossible even when everyone said it couldn't be done, or shouldn't be done the way I wanted to do it. I know there was an easier way....I know I chose the harder road, but I also know that road gave me strength, insight and knowledge that I would never have had otherwise.

But just for a minute I want to imagine my world if at my crossroad I would have turned right instead of left. What if I had gone off to college right out of high school....ACU or Harding were my destinations. Would I have become a teacher? Would I have still married my hubby? Would my girls still be born at the same time they were born? Would life have taken me to other places and people? Would I have dedicated my life to ministry and traveled the mission fields? Would I have married a minister? What if I had stayed in my bubble of safe Christian places and never ventured in to the world and its offerings? Who would I have become?

Another question haunts me more....who would Mike have become? I'm not being prideful and I know my faults throughout this journey, but Mike has said many times that without me being in his life he would have destroyed himself. I hate to say it, but he really might have. He tried to even during our marriage at times. I hate to think of what would have happened to him if he had not come to know Christ....and he had no leading to Christ until he and I started dating. But then again, what if there was another plan to get him to Christ if I didn't intersect his life?

The should-ofs, could-ofs, and would-ofs can drive you crazy. They do me. I also know I can't focus on if I had done things different. I have to live the life I have chosen. But that's me.....my child has not chosen yet and is standing in the center of the intersection trying to decide which path to follow. Does she continue straight ahead with the college she is in and the major she has chosen and the young man who has made her begin to trust again....OR....does she look at how much she has loved ministering to teens this summer and change her path to seek more ways to minister to others and possibly a young man who will make his life a life of serving and teaching Christ to others? If she changes course, will the other young man ever find a true relationship with Christ? Right now he is willing to learn and let her lead him on this path, but if she chooses a different direction what will that mean for him? Then again, is it her purpose to lead him or to just plant the seed. Maybe the Christian young man who has spent his summer also ministering to teens and who may actually follow in his mentors' footsteps and choose ministry as his life is who she is suppose to be with. Wouldn't that be easier? Wouldn't life be better for her if she followed this road instead?

I know I have given lots of questions that really do not have answers. My heart and my head don't agree and don't know how to help her decide. Prayer is all I have and all I can offer her at this time. I can see this time as the point where she decides what life she will live. It is exciting and frightening for me so I can only imagine how she feels. To say I am praying is an understatement. I have prayed for years for the young man that God has for her. I have often prayed for young men that she has dated to be quickly removed from her life if they are not good for her and if they are not the ONE for her to invest her heart in the relationship. I have prayed for the young man and his family that will one day become part of her life and our lives. I have asked that his heart be deeply in love with God just as she is and that she would not struggle through some of the battles that I did. So now, I pray it again. I pray that God will make her path clear for her. I know He has plans for her....plans to prosper her and not to harm her. Every day I am having to make the choice to give her future to His control and trust that He knows which path she is to take and that God will be with her as she chooses it and will walk beside her as she walks it out.......

I've always believed she would marry a minister and be involved with youth ministry. But I also know she is a rescuer, like her mom, and sees the good in people who don't yet know Christ. I can't tell her that it is wrong to date a non-Christian, because she may be the one to lead them to Christ. I can't tell her to choose the easier path either....

And so.....I pray......

Memory Lane

Tonight I can't sleep....every time I close my eyes I flash back to a time in my life that seemed like the end of the world. Somewhere in that time my spirit was broken. I had always been a go getter...loving life and living it....but then I learned something I had never known before....I wasn't enough.

This came after a breakup way back in high school, long before Mike and I started dating. Actually, he was lucky I even went out with him because I had sworn off all guys from Kaufman about that time! I was too trusting until this point in my life. I believed what I heard and trusted that those words would never be proven wrong. Then I learned, not everyone is trustworthy. Learning this lesson just about broke me. I tried to destroy myself in the months that followed. I was sick and tired of being the "good girl" that never seemed to be enough to hold on to a boyfriend. So, I set out to be NOT a good girl. I was doing pretty good and learning how to not be what I once was....I was angry, bitter, scared, and heartbroken. I couldn't believe that I had fallen for the same kind of lines in two different relationships. Both had lasted months and months and seemed to be "real" but amazingly the ones I thought loved me and I thought I could trust, broke me in to tiny pieces.

I remember one night crying so much that my momma came in to my room and just tickled my back while I cried and cried. This one was the hardest one. I had really given my heart and thought he had too. But soon his drinking and eventually drugs took away the guy I had fallen for and left someone who cared less about me and more about the next "good time" he was going to have.

So why is this memory haunting me tonight? Because I just sat on my baby girl's bed and tickled her back and brushed through her hair and held her as she sobbed her heart out. She has been crushed. She finally found someone who she felt safe enough with to let her guard down. She thought he was her best friend....and now she fears even that is gone. And sadly, she doesn't even know why it has come to this. He says he can't trust her because she had not told him some things before he learned them tonight. They are little things in comparison to what he has done.

The other reason it is bringing up these emotions is that he is very similar to my heart breaker. The drinking and partying may have now become too much for her to be able to handle the consequences. Regardless, she loves him...as much as one can at this stage of a relationship. And he has decided he doesn't trust her more than he loves her.....

The thing that hit me so hard tonight was hearing my feelings from my heartbreak come out of her mouth...."I'm beginning to think there is something wrong with me." How can she think that? How can being a girl who has chosen purity and God not be good enough? How can a girl who chooses not to drink, smoke, or do drugs not be good enough? My heart is breaking for her tonight...or I should say this morning. I know when this happened to me was when I put up a wall that said, "You won't get to me....I will NOT feel like this again!" And then I did my best to drink those feelings away.....It didn't work and it added more hurt on top of the pain I already was feeling. I can not stand the idea of my baby girl feeling what I felt or trying to cover up those feelings like I did.

I have always prayed for the young man who would one day win my baby's heart. I know he is out there and I know I don't get to pick him for her. This young man that has hurt her would not have been my pick....but truth is, my hubby probably was not my parents' pick for me either. However he was who God intended for me. I'm still praying for the young man that will win my girl's heart....even if it ends up being this one that has wounded her so deeply tonight. My tears roll as I think of her words and remember her sobs and as I remember that broken girl I was so many years ago.

God, my prayer is for her heart...that You guard it and keep it from shattering to pieces. I pray that she doesn't change to fit anyone or to try to keep anyone. I pray for the young man you have purposed for her, that he be one of yours and that when he comes in to her life that she will know and allow her heart to open again. Lord I just pray you stay very close to my baby girl in all the moments I'm not there and the moments she feels she can't share with me. Thank you Lord for mending my heart and for watching over her's. In Your Son's Name....Jesus... Amen

I love this quote....it might spur me to write again...

"Do not fear death but rather the unlived life....you don't have to live forever, you just have to live...." Tuck Everlasting

Masquerade

Have you ever thought about what masks people live behind? What masks you live behind? Do we ever really know people? Do we let people ever really know us? Truth is....and my accountability group with bust me on this if they read it....the answer is NO! No one really knows me....I feel that no one can ever see things just like I see them....they won't hear things the same way I do....they won't process meanings or feelings like I would....no one can ever really know how I feel or think like I think because no one has ever walked the same path I have walked.....We are each made to walk a unique path and that means that only God knows where we have been and where we will end up!

There are just some places in my heart that no one gets....no one understands, and frankly that I have kept hidden, even from those closest to me.

Sometimes I wonder what life would be if I didn't have the masks....would I be happier? Would life be easier? More peaceful? Would my friends still be my friends? Would my family disown me? Could my hubby handle me being totally real without keeping anything in? Who would I be?

I don't know the answer....I've never allowed myself to just be me, to find what makes me happy and peaceful. I've never let myself put myself first. I let those spotlight seekers stand in the front and grab all of it. I let those who have more serious problems rattle on and on and I listen, but never share my hurts, because to me, mine are not important to anyone but me. I sit quietly to the side and listen, watch and evaluate. Hopefully I'm not judging....I try not to, but I am usually evaluating myself more than them. I smile and pretend all is okay....I only speak what seems to be okay for the moment and I leave empty and hollow still. I don't think people would even care if I shared those core things of me. I'm uninteresting and plain and shallow and totally tired of the masks. But then I have to remind myself, that I am not the only one wearing masks.....

Disconnect......

That's exactly how I feel lately.....disconnected. Partly of my own doing, I will confess...but still, the disconnect is strong. It started months ago when I was ill and then had surgery. I felt it then. I pulled within myself as protection and because I was an emotional mess. I couldn't talk to anyone without crying, and that made many people uncomfortable, including myself. It was easy to see who would not stick around through the recovery, because they couldn't even talk to me about the events leading up to the surgery. I guess it was then my wall started going back up. I started seeing that people I thought were friends and people I thought were my support group, were really not going to be there for me during the scariest part of my life thus far. So....disconnect

Then recovery came. Life was lonely, to say the least. My poor daughters took turns babysitting their MOM! How sad!!! There were a few of those friends who had stuck around that made a point to come visit. For that, I will forever be grateful. Those few showed me that they can stick by me even when emotionally and physically I am a mess...and not very easy to be around! I have to say, though, it amazed me at who did and who didn't stay around. So....I redrew some of my circles and pushed a few more to the outer rim and disconnected from their lives too....as they seemed to have done so easily from mine....

By this time I had been isolated for too long and isolation never has been a good thing for me. Again, those few friends continued to pull me along. However I am a pro at disconnecting and recovery was not easy with school starting and Tara leaving...so I wasn't much fun. I couldn't handle the piddly arguments and complaints at work that are part of beginning a school year. I took everything too personal and then, when I had just started letting that wall down again, one person I had tried to let back in, showed that she was not safe.....I tried to discuss my hurt feelings over an incident at school, and she chose to not hear and without hearing my hurt, decided I was in the wrong.......SLAM! Door shut! Total disconnect.....I pulled away. Totally and completely. I told you, I'm good at self preservation......

So I lost another one of those relationships I thought was safe. I still had others, right? From that point on I wasn't sure. I know that my hormones were still trying to balance again....not that I can explain that to those who simply chose to not be there for me during this time.....but I know that is part of it. It seemed from the moment I shut the door on letting people in, I started questioning the intentions of all of those around me. Were they trustworthy? Would they be there if there was nothing I could offer them??? Where were the people who needed nothing from me but still wanted to be my friend???

I started seeing this dynamic at church....at school....at home....everywhere! Who really was there for ME? Not there because of what I could do for them! I'm still not really sure. I have even seen some of those closest friendships slip some now too. Is it me?? Is it because I have pulled so far away again? Probably....but I'm not sure I am willing to take all the blame.

I came to a place of saying "NO" and deciding that if I didn't want to do it, no one and nothing was going to guilt me in to doing it. It's funny, but did you know that people get mad when you say NO after you have always said YES even when you didn't want to!!! Did you also know that when you are not "useful" or being a "YES" person that you can be thrown away? I watched an organization do this to a dear friend of mine. I've watched people I thought were really close friends do this to us. It is hard to not put the walls up as high as they can go when these things happen.

So....I disconnect. I stop being involved. I retreat to the safety of my home and my family and I surround myself with only those I feel safe with. However, that is becoming even hard now days. I know that so much of this has come from those days of being ill. My immune system just seems to not fight off the colds, the viruses, the bugs that go around. I have something all the time. I'm not just being a baby, I am fighting all the germs with everything I have, but still....I'm run down. That leads to some emotional and spiritual disconnect. I miss those relationships. I miss those people I thought were going to be there for me. I miss having fun. I miss feeling like going and playing and laughing. All I want to do....all I feel like I can do is sleep. I want to rest....all the time! I have also missed lots of time with my church family.....but I can't say that I have been missed. Funny thing is, when you disconnect, people don't always notice. I was gone for 3 weeks straight....3 weeks....I was sick, Mike was out of town, then Chelsea was sick and only my Mom noticed....or said anything. That doesn't really lead to a warm fuzzy feeling or a desire to go back. Why should I when I can worship my God anywhere? So why go where you don't feel welcome?

It's easy to disconnect. It is easy to give up. I asked not too long ago "what happens when we quit trying?" Well, I see that while I have quit trying, others have not reached out to find out why. It is easy to disconnect when people don't choose to be actively connected to you.

Now what do I do.....stay disconnected? Try to replug in to where I was? But why? Why would I want to when it doesn't feel like I am wanted, much less needed? Do I seek that connection somewhere else? But where? How? I have put my wall up high enough that it is going to take some time to bring it back down and let people back in. Seems like and feels like that 6 years worth of work was destroyed in less than a year.

Now, before some of you, who know me well, start worrying....I am okay. I just feel very disconnected. I am in need of recharging. I need some excitement. I need to feel needed, wanted, and useful again. I need to serve where I can be ME and not a person that "fits" an image or is told to follow BLINDLY the one in charge. I need to be able to use the gifts I've been given openly and freely. I am in need of that retreat time alone with God for several days to find what HE is calling me to do. I still need to say NO and not let guilt continue to control my life. I need to delve in to His word again with women who are safe and allow me to be transparent but still encourage me to be more than I can imagine I can be.

On another note, I need to feel free to write what I feel and how I feel....therefore this blog is going to go private again. Unless you have been invited or asked to continue reading and I can "trust" you enough with my heart, you will not be able to continue reading. I won't apologize because to find me again, I have to be me again....open and honest and not being what others need....but what I am called to be.



I am looking to REconnect again but that will be a slow process and will require some time. I thank those of you who have been by me through this process......please keep holding me accountable to being true to myself and not being the Denise others think or want me to be. I remember struggling with this since my teen years.....I need to fine ME again......and connect my heart and mind and soul again to the only power which has sustained me this far.