Somewhere in the Shadows....

Somewhere in the shadows she stands
watching from the corner
listening to the laughter
smiling at those who see...
her lingering quietly.

She stores the moments tenderly
in her heart full of love
for the child she watches now
has become a woman before her eyes.

Memories now of all that was
dreams of all that will be.
Moments...only moments left...
and these will also become
precious memories.

Standing in the shadows
crying a single tear...
a heart filled with love
for her child now joined
with another heart forever.

Standing alone she sees
all the dreams she held so tightly
become reality simply because
she gave them to the Father.

Two hearts once joined
and a dream was created...
many prayers were prayed
love was given
faith was shared
prayers were answered...
new lives now joined...
and in the shadows
this mom cries tenderly......

Heart Surgery....

How do you cut people out of your life?  Better yet, how do you cut them out of your heart?  I've never been one to be able to let go easily.  You see, when I love and let people in, I let them all the way in.  I give too much of myself.  I don't trust easily, but once I feel like I can, I'm usually all in.  That's what gets me in trouble. 

How many times...how many lessons....how many hurts will I have to endure to get it through my thick head that I can't keep caring more than others care?  It is so frustrating to me.  I feel there must be something wrong with me at times.  I can't cut others out of my life.  I can't just turn the page and pretend years did not happen...memories did not exist....friendships were not there. 

Help me with this if you can....because I don't understand.  It really is a tangled web that led me to this place.  I had a friend who I thought of almost like a sister.  We had both been through health scares in the last several years and helped each other through them.  We had invested in each other's lives and I had even let my children become close to her too.  We spent most days together....laughing or even crying when necessary....together.  We went through loss...loss of family and dreams and love together and helped each other through it.  We had each other's back in times of trouble and I even trusted the lives of my children with her.

I think the turning point was when there was a loss that I could not fix or make right for them.  It was out of my control even though I was very close to the situation.  I guess people don't see that you can love them through just about anything....well, at least that's the way I try to be.  The loss was deep and hard on my friend and many times I was pushed away but always was there for when she was ready to talk.  I tried to continue to be just me.  To be the friend I knew to be.....but I was too close to the hurt.  I wasn't part of the hurt...just too close....a reminder.  And I'm sure in my friend's mine, I had to have some connection to it....but with all that I am....I know that I was not connected in any way.  I would have fixed it if I could have.  I would have made it go away.  But there was nothing I could do....nothing.

So I guess sometimes a hurt can be too big.  It can consume a soul.  It can block out truth and love and twist memories and destroy friendships.  I see that when something becomes such a deep dark hole and filled with pain that it can literally kill.  It can kill trust.....kill loyalty....kill friendships....kill everything that once was good.  It can change people.  Consume them from the inside out.....and lash out at those who once stood closest.

I know that is where I am to.  I know I am the victim of pain....pain that has consumed my friend.  Pain that has burned away all memories of a friendship that felt more like family but has left us as strangers...and even enemies in my friend's eyes.  I know it was because I was too close.  I had been trusted too much and pain has convinced my friend that I am dangerous.  Pain has become the friend....and there is no longer room for me.

Now where do I go?  What do I do?  Pain has left me sad and alone.  Pain has pushed me away again.  How do I not become closed off and bitter from this situation?  The only answer I have is God...He is love.  Love covers a multitude of sins....and pain.  So somehow in my hurt, in my new pain, I am going to fight the bitterness that wants to consume my heart too and remain in His love.  That's all I know to do.  I can't fight this fight alone.  I can't give in to pain and resentment, like my flesh wants me to.  I need to continue to love.....and pray that pain will someday let go of my friend and restore what was lost.

Dreams.....

Nights like tonight when dreams wake me from a dead sleep into a panic mode are just so frustrating!  Thankfully this dream won't come true.  It's too far out there....but it still has my heart just a racing and my mind whirling.

Dreams are a funny thing.  Sometimes they get you through the hard times and keep you focused on the next chapter.  Other times they fall apart and leave you feeling lost and confused.  Then there are those times where you can't even dare to dream again.  Dreams are just such a mystery. 

I don't have any wise words tonight as my eyes get heavy and my body relaxes again to hopefully let me try to sleep.....except this....don't give up on the good dreams.  Hang on to them.  Disregard the nightmares....let them go and don't dwell on them.  They only make your heart hurt and your mind restless.  Don't give power to them.  Focus on the next good dream....and if you haven't dared to dream in a while....tell God your desires and let Him fill your dreams with what He can provide. 

Maybe...just maybe...the next dream will be a really good one....don't give up on dreaming!

Alone......

You know there are some things a mother's heart just can not bear.  Seeing your child hurting and in pain that you can not fix is one of those heartaches that seem to scar a mother's heart.  I remember a verse in the Bible talking about Mary storing things in her heart as she watched her son minister to the world and leave her side.  I can only imagine how her heart broke when she watched the pain and suffering he went through on the cross for all of us.

I wasn't sure where this writing was going this morning until that last sentence I typed.  I watched from behind my camera lens as my daughter made this long ride up to us from saying good-bye to her love.  She watched him walk away and head to an airplane that would take him to the other side of the world.  She knew saying good-bye meant months without him.  She knew that these two weeks of being inseparable had now come to an end and she was once again.......alone.  She knew she was giving him up so that he could go do a job that so many that he fights for could care less about.  She knew that his sacrifice of his life was now also her sacrifice as well. 

My heart aches this morning.  I wake and check all the posts from overnight to see if they have gotten to talk at all.  I watch for news of where he is and how he is doing.  I listen to see if she is sleeping or typing on a computer screen to him or if she is crying again.  I watch her put on a brave face when she can and face the world head on.  With pride I have read her responses to the many posts supporting her, knowing that each time she types a "thank you" or a response she is reliving this last moment together.

My baby girl does not let me do much of the comforting right now.  She is being strong as she can and my hugs only break that barrier and make her break down again.  Right now I need to be her strength.  I need to be ready for the break, but hold steady until then.  I need to be.....tough.  Frankly, tough is not what I feel at all.  I have only seen such heartache and grief a few times.....but watching it on my baby girl is almost too much for this momma.  All I want to do is hold her and cry with her.  I want to take away that pain, but I know I can not.  I want to "fix" all this and make it better.  Bring him home and watch them be happy once again. 

I watch her put one step in front of the other and move forward slowly right now.  I watch her tear up if something is said that hits a soft spot.  I also try to stay tough when her words or responses back to me are less than kind.  I know it comes from that hurt and sadness she is feeling.  It just makes me feel so helpless....and alone myself.  I want to cry.  I want to scream.  I want to rock my baby girl.  I want to be the one to comfort her right now, but she wants to handle this on her own, in her own way with her own grief.  She needs her daddy's strong arms right now and not her momma's soft shoulder.  She needs to process these feelings on her own.........and really, the only one she wants to comfort her is the one she can not have right now.

This is one of the hardest things I've done....watching my baby girl try to walk this road alone.  Being this "strong" army fiance' and being so proud of her soldier while sacrificing herself through this too.  She will lean on us when she has to, but knowing her, she will try to do it all on her own.  I will watch quietly and wait patiently for when she needs me or when I see that wall begin to crumble.  I will be ready to catch her when it all starts falling in.....but until then...I will store these things in my heart and keep them close to me.  Sometimes only a mother's heart alone can understand these things...........

A mother's love....

I really really should be asleep right now.  I should be trying to rest and prepare for the day ahead.  I am going to need every bit of my wits about me today, but yet, my brain is not letting me.  So much has happened in such a short amount of time.  Two weeks.....two weeks is all it takes to change a life.  Two weeks to totally become part of my heart more so than ever before.  Two weeks......and now.....it is time to say good-bye.

I have never dreamed of being a soldier's mom.  I have daughters!  None of them....well, maybe Tara....ever has considered being in the military.  I have never even considered the possibility of sending one of my babies off to war.....off to Afghanistan or Iraq or some other God-forsaken place like that!  I have never considered the sleepless nights and the heartache that I would feel if I had to watch them load a plane and leave me for 6 months or longer....knowing that might be the last hug or kiss I would ever get from them.  I didn't have to think about these things.  They were NOT on my radar at all. The worse thing I worried about was my baby girls driving to and from college and their navigating the dangers of the interstate system.  I might have to worry about them being out and about on their own and the dangers that lurk in this world, but I had trained them well to be aware of their surroundings and I knew they were more safe than most.

You know, as a mom, you just always carry your children in your heart.  No matter what they do.  Through the good...the bad...the down right mean and ugly...the disappointments...the triumphs....the "what were you thinking" moments....all of it, you love your babies.  You want nothing but love and happiness for them.  You want them to find joy and find hope for a future.  You just want your child to be everything and more you dreamed they would be and that they have someone to share that with in their lives.

Somehow.....two worlds have collided for me...my "safe bubble" world where my girls are all accounted for and have relatively safe lives and the world of an army mom, saying good-bye to a child.  No, none of my babies have joined the army.  Thankfully.....but it feels like they have.  I want to stop here and say once again.....I HAVE NO IDEA HOW ARMY MOMS DO IT!  They are the bravest, most faithful, prayerful, supportive women I know!  I am blessed to call one of them my dear friend.  I also now get to call her family.  You see, I'm becoming one of them.....in a round-about way.  Not my flesh and blood....but my soon-to-be son-in-law has brought me to this place.  He has made these deep places in my heart hurt with worry and swell with pride all at the same time.

I remember when Dustin told us he was joining the army.  I cried with his momma then!  He has always been "one of my boys."  As a teacher, I have several young men and women that I will always consider mine.  It is the best part of my job!  But, Dustin was never one of my students.  He was one of my oldest daughter's classmates and the son of a high school friend and his wife, who worked with me at school.  She and I bonded over having children the same age and the connection between our husbands being friends in high school (Shawn was my friend too).  Our friendship grew from the years of working together, watching our kids grow up and something about that year of graduation from high school for our kids really geld our friendship.  I would joke with my oldest, Ashton, that if her current boyfriend (now husband) didn't work out, I thought Dustin would be a great choice.  She would say "yea Mom, he's a great guy" and laugh at me and move on.  Oh mercy if I had known then how much this "great guy" would mean to us.

 Dustin started calling me "Momma Farmer" years ago.  I'm not really sure when that happened, but it just did.  I watched him graduate high school, move out on his own, take responsibility and get a job, then have to go through the struggle of looking for a new job during those years of lay-offs everywhere.  I watched him go from being in a pretty serious relationship to a break up that was very hard on him and his family.  I watched him decide to join the military and I remember saying....."please don't join the army."  I didn't want to see him go.  I didn't want him in harms way because he was already a special young man in our lives.  He was the son of one of my best friends.  He was a classmate of my daughter.  He was like a big brother to my youngest.  He was a good friend to my Tara.  He was special to us already and I didn't want to see him go.



I couldn't do it.  I will just be very frank and honest.  I even begged Dustin NOT to go.  NOT to do this.  Don't put your life at risk for anyone!  I couldn't do it.  I could NOT give my child for anyone else.  Nope!  Not happening!  I can not even imagine the thought!  I'm a selfish mom.  I don't want to let them go that far away and ever be at risk of losing them.  Luckily, I thought, I would never have to feel that or worry about that, because you see, I'm the mother of daughters....not sons...and my daughters were not going to be military candidates.  (Even though 2 of the 3 can shoot a rifle pretty darn well!)

About a year ago, while Dustin was stationed in Germany, he and Tara continued their friendship via chatting online and texting.  Dustin was far from home.  Tara had always considered him a friend and they had always picked at each other.  This friendship really started becoming an important daily connection for them both.  I laugh looking back at it.  She was picking on him about a picture he had posted on his Facebook with a model in the back ground.  He replaced the picture of the model with a picture of Tara and reposted the picture!  Tara was shocked and we all got a good laugh out of it.  I would say.....that was the beginning of my worlds colliding!  This friendship continually grew.  He was a constant in her life.  She depended on his friendship while she was away at college.  I remember her saying to me about a year ago......"Mom, I think I like Dustin."  I'll admit, it worried me.  He was in GERMANY...she was in Texas.  He would be there and then deployed and so he would not be back in the states for 2 years.  WHAT WAS SHE THINKING?  She was in college!  She needed to hang out and enjoy being a college kid.  I was worried she would sit in her room, wait by her computer and have this "virtual" relationship.  PLUS I didn't want to see something happen to this great friendship they had going.....because relationships that end usually kill friendships.  Selfishly, I didn't want anything to happen to my friendship with his mom and dad either!!!!  So......yes.....I discouraged the "liking" him part and encouraged building on the friendship.

It was the right choice....at the time.  They continued the online friendship.  They became each other's BEST friend.  She got him through hard times in Germany and he listened and helped her through struggles at school.....but then came time for R&R before his deployment.  It was so obvious at that point that I was wrong about their friendship.....it was meant to be more.  If you've heard the phrase "sparks fly", well, that was them!  INSTANTLY!  She was going to be home as much as she could while he was in for his R&R before deployment.  She drove in 3 weekends in a row.  That was normally unheard of!!!  Suddenly I started seeing pictures of them together when they would "run in to each other" while she was home.  Hummmmmm.....  Then came the date.....one real date....and he would be leaving again, but that was not where it would end.

WORLDS COLLIDE!  The relationship began I believe on July 10....he was in Germany and she was here.  Skype "dates" became a normal word around here.  Giddiness when the phone would ring or a text would come through.  It was so fun to watch, but my heart started hurting then.  I knew what was next.  DEPLOYMENT to Afghanistan.....one of the top 5 most dangerous regions.  I knew it would be hard on my girl.  I could see how attached she was becoming.  I also could see that he was becoming even more dependent on her.  What if she couldn't handle it?  What if this ended and hurt feelings tore apart all our friendships?  I began praying....even more so than ever....for his safety and for their relationship.  Then their break-up happened.....for 2 weeks.....and I thought they both would not make it.  Thankfully they were strong enough to make it through it......and they have never looked back since.

Dustin's been home now for 2 weeks.  He had been gone for 6 months and this R&R was very much needed.  It has been a wonderful 2 weeks.  He proposed to my baby girl only a few days ago.  Their connection and love is so very strong and evident.  Those sparks are flames at this point....  And now....it is time to say good-bye again.  I don't know how to do that.  You see, he now has a deep place in my heart right beside my girl.  He is now one of mine just as if he were my son.  This young man that I have watched grow up and become the man I see now gives me very much pride as well.  I don't know how his momma does it.  She is one of the strongest women I know.  I don't want to let him go.  I don't want to share him with the country or this world.  I want him here with us.  Here with his family....

It's funny how a mother's heart can grow......I've never had a son.  I've never been an army mom.  I've never watched my boy become a man, but I've watched my daughter fall head over heels in love with this soldier, who has captured her heart and carved his place in our family.  This mother's love fails in comparison to his momma's love for him.....but I pray he knows how deeply loved he is by this momma  too. 

Polished Diamonds....

The other day my dear friend, Julie, took one look at my wedding ring and said...."You need to let me clean that for you!"  Yep....it needed it.  My poor ring.  It has seen over 25 years of wear and tear.  One stone is missing....one prong is bent.  The center diamond has been knocked out...lost....found...remounted and braced.  My ring has seen good days....bad days....long days....and days that just went way too fast.  Through all those days, I've worn my ring.  I don't take it off.  Now days it is because it is a little tight on my finger, so it doesn't come off easily, but I remember when it was a choice whether to take it off or not.  I still chose not to!  On this particular day....it was a mess!  It was dull and dirty....caked with lotions and soaps that didn't wash off with water and at that moment I realized I had been neglecting the polishing and shining that it needed!

This little innocent comment by my friend got my brain spinning.....what else had I neglected?  My ring is a symbol of a promise of love and fidelity to my husband.  It is a symbol of the life we have pledged to each other.  It announces to the world that I have committed my life to one man as my husband and best friend.  So what did my dirty ring say....I don't care?  It's unimportant?  Our life is a mess?  I know that is not what my friend was saying....she use to work for a jeweler so she was just noticing innocently that my ring needed a good cleaning, but my heart screamed something different to me.

Have I been taking for granted what I once held so highly?  Have I become complacent and unaware of the polishing that needs to be done in our marriage?  Have I quit doing those things that keep the shine and sparkle visible?  Honestly......yes, I had.  Those little things....the hand holding....the quick little peck on the lips....the smile when my hubby would get home....all had become overshadowed by the busyness and craziness of daily life.  Stress at work....stress at home....bills....illness....obligations....all those things that have taken away from what I once held as the most important part of my life.....my husband, my best friend, my life. 

This week I have watched baby girl #2 accept a beautiful band of diamonds from her best friend.  Her soul mate.  They sparkle.  They shine.  They shout to the world that she loves this young man and that she plans to spend the rest of her life loving him.  They tell of his great love and adoration for her.  If those diamonds were a representation of their love, you would have to say it is one of remarkable beauty and value, highly valued and prized.  I watched her sleep holding her hand gently so her ring would not slip or fall.  I watched her admire the way it sits on her hand.  How gently she holds that hand now!  How proudly she shows all those who want to see it!  How much she smiles at knowing what those diamonds represent to her!  How he smiles knowing she has accepted his ring that is a symbol of his love for her!

Oh to be back there again......young....in love....and untarnished by life.  Marriage is such a journey....sometimes even a battle.  There are scars and bruises.  There are times where those diamonds don't shine near as much as they use to, but the most beautiful thing about those diamonds is that they become more valuable with time.  Their beauty through the years come from the memories you make and struggles that you overcome together.  They may become knocked around, dislodged, even lost at times, but as long as you remember the value they hold and the love they proclaim....then a little polish will do the trick and help them shine all over again! 

Sleepless nights

It is dark and mostly quiet in my house tonight as I sit down once again with my computer.  What I should be doing is sleeping....like my hubby who is serenading me from the bedroom with his nightly tune.  However, once again I am awake...way before morning and time for my friendly alarm to blare it's reminder to wake up!  Why do I keep waking up?  Why can I not sleep?  Trust me, I am tired.  Very tired.  Even now my eyes want to close but my body won't let them because I am far from comfortable.

My routine almost nightly is to wake up at or around 3 am and make my way to the living room where I sit in my "spot" now on my new recliner/loveseat.  Then I would stretch out and doze back off for a couple more hours.  Tonight is different.  I made my way to my seat as normal and then when I tried to lay back, my new-to-me electric recliner loveseat would not recline.  UGH!  I sat there for a little bit, frustrated and thinking if I waited a couple of minutes and tried again, it would work.  NOPE!  Then I decided the connection must have come loose, so I pulled the extremely heavy thing away from the wall enough for me to lay down behind it and with my handy-dandy flashlight on my phone, I crawled back there and started looking at wires.  NOPE!  They were connected.  Everything was as it should be as far as I could tell.  So I thought I would try again to sit in my spot and surely now it would open the recliner.  NOPE AGAIN! 

Frustration wanted to set in.  THAT'S MY SPOT!  I kept thinking...and WHY would MY SPOT decide to not work.  I'm careful with my recliner.  I take care of my stuff and I had just warned/played around/teased a few others in our house to NOT tear up my electric recliners.  This is not a funny joke.  I started thinking about my daughter, who had been sitting in my spot earlier tonight and instantly I started blaming her.  What did she do to my chair?  I'm still hoping it is no big deal and that something is just loose.  Hoping my NEWLY paid for new-to-me furniture is not already broken.  Hoping I don't have to sit in a different seat now....like I am this morning as I type.  I have taken over my hubby's SPOT! 

So why am I constantly having these sleepless nights?  That really is the problem, not my broken chair.  I am tired.  We are on the go all the time and today while riding back from Waco with my family, I could not keep my eyes open!  I felt even drugged I was so out of it.  I am obviously tired...but not sleeping.

I believe it is probably a combination of things.  Work....family....money....house not being in order....taxes need to be done.....worry....excitement....frustration....my list could continue on and on.  There seems to be a lot lately going on in my head.  So much so that I can not keep it all sorted out.  So much so that I find myself slipping in to that dark spot from time to time.  That place of sadness and loneliness and despair.  That place I fight so often to stay out of. 

Even as a little girl, I didn't like the dark.  I would lay in my bed and NOT MOVE if I woke up in the night.  I was afraid of everything around me and my bed was my safe haven.  If I could just lay still long enough then maybe I would go back to sleep and nothing would get me in the dark.  However, now....the dark doesn't hold that fear for me.  Nighttime is still ominous at times, but most nights I just find peace in the calm of the dark.  I can hear myself think at night.  I can hear the sounds of nature outside when the hoot owl decides to sing.  I hear every little daily, soft noise that is covered up during the day time by the noise of life.  But the thing that I find I hear better in the dark.....is a quiet voice.

I don't know how you hear God or how you feel His presence in your life, but for me, it is a quiet voice in my spirit.  One that prompts me to write and express.  Sometimes that voice gets very loud in my head until I get to the point I have to write or never sleep again.  I never am sure at what message it is suppose to bring or give or inspire for others.  I just know I am to write.  To express and to follow the prompting of this soft voice.  And so tonight, while I was frustrated about my chair not working and frustrated over once again not sleeping, I followed the prompt and picked up my computer....to write.

I am hoping these sleepless nights don't continue.  New mattresses haven't seemed to help me with this problem yet.  Getting up early and going to bed at a decent time haven't helped yet either.  I could go take some medicine to help me sleep, to calm my mind and relax my body.  I am tempted to do that even now, just so I can sleep, but instead I feel the need to just get some of this stuff out of my head.

So what is it?  What is worrying me or playing ping-pong in my head?  Life.  Just life.  Hurting friends, injustice, happinesses, excitements, dread of things to come, fears, pains, love, longing, illnesses, test results, all of the above.  My feelers are on full blast lately.  I feel everything around me 10 times more than normal.  I am so sensitive to everyone's feelings around me.  It is almost too much.  During the day hours it seems to consume so much of my time that it is hard for me to want to give any of  my evenings to it.  But I am finding, more and more each day, that God's voice is easiest heard in the quiet calm of the dark.  God meets us in the dark places.  Dark places physically and dark places spiritually.  He finds us where we are and reasches out to us in a whisper. 

So as my eyes get heavy once again and I prepare to lay this computer down.....I wonder what purpose He has for my sleepless night tonight.  I have used it to write instead of wander through the pages of facebook or playing games.  I didn't pin anything new tonight.  I just listened and followed by responding and writing.....as He has so often prompted me to do.  Being a night processor is not easy and means many more sleeepless nights ahead for me, but if I am spending them getting closer again to my God, then every lost moment of sleep will be worth it. 

Heartstrings.....

There is just something about watching your baby girl grow up that tears at your heart. My girls are my pride and joy. Watching them grow into the young women God has intend for them to become is both wonderful and terribly hard at the same time. My eyes swell with tears.....for the joy I feel and the sadness of my babies being young women now and not my baby girls.

Tonight....well this morning now....my middle daughter is on my mind. She is in love. Really really deeply in love. Twenty-one years old and ready to make decisions to determine the path she will walk the rest of her life. How did we get here so fast? Where did my time go with my baby girl? I want to tell you a little about the baby girl that has now become a young woman.

I should have known from the moment I knew I was expecting that she would be my strong-willed child. My pregnancy was far from easy with her. Our life at the time was far from calm or easy. We had one baby girl, were both in school, working and trying to make ends meet. To say the least...it was not an easy time in our marriage. When I knew I was expecting it made me happy and scared at the same time. I wasn't sure Mike and I were stable enough to hold everything together and have 2 babies. How would we make ends meet? I could barely afford daycare for one baby! What about finishing school? Could I even love another baby like I did my first born daughter? Through all those fears, I still was so excited about this baby. This baby would complete our family....or so I thought at the time!

Pregnancy isn't an easy road for me....sick is an understatement!!! I was ever so sick with this one. Morning sickness lasted for months...more than 3...and it was not just morning sickness, it was all day sickness. Mike was working out of town and nights. I was working for a mean boss that hated any time one of us was pregnant and was determined to make life a living hell. Stress in our marriage was at an all time high, and then I had my wreck! I was 5 months pregnant and a teenager with no license or insurance decided to pull out in front of me. Scared to death for the life of our daughter and our unborn child, I went to the hospital to be checked out. Baby girl #1 had slept through the wreck and was fine....baby #2 was fine and well protected in her warm little womb. Me....I was sore all over and even more determined to love this little one who was strong enough to survive her first wreck.

Not only had she survived the wreck, but she was one of about 5 babies expected around our church and family that actually lived to birth. There were 5 of us pregnant. Three of the babies did not make it to term. There was something wrong with each of them and the fear that something was wrong with my baby took me over. I finally convinced my doctor to do a sonogram...which was a big deal back then...to make sure she was okay. That was when we learned we would be having another daughter. The rest of my pregnany went according to plan. I survived a HOT summer of pregnancy and was anxiously awaiting my September baby......September came and went. October was over a week old and finally the doctor decided she had to be born. She was big. I WAS BIG! So we scheduled for her to be induced. October 8th EARLY morning we arrived at the hospital expecting a baby in the next 12 hours or so. After 17 hours of pretty hard labor....my blood pressure dropping...no pain meds....and no progress being made, the doctor decided to do a c-section. Again, at this point I should have known what her personality would be. Strong....determined....stubborn....and a "I'll do it my way!" kind of girl!!! She was turned wrong, not dropping and perfectly comfortable where she was...until the word c-section was mentioned. I think at that point she "decided" it was time to make her appearance in this world! And she did!!! Within 30 minutes of the doctor mentioning taking her....she was here! She decided to get here so fast that it hurt my body pretty badly. She was my big baby. Nine pounds but beautiful! Head full of hair, darker skin and beautiful blue eyes! Instantly she was totally different from her sister....who was blond, fair skin and blue eyed...and bald when she was born. Tara, on the other hand, had a head full of hair....one plus from the months of sickness and heartburn!!! She was jaundice and "high maintenance" from the beginning! Luckily October was warm and sunny that year so we could take her home and let her "sunbathe" in the window for hours to help with the jaundice. We had to do several heel pricks and blood tests during the next week.

I'd like to say that was where the stubborn-will-of-her-own personality stopped, but it didn't. She was never a cuddler....which I wanted to do with my babies. She fought like a wild cat if you tried to hold her down for anything..changing diapers, giving medicine, etc. She loved her mommy but she wanted her daddy!!! She was sick often and we had many doctor and hospital bills. She scared us to death when they started testing her for lukemia after an extremely high white blood cell count that landed her in the hospital with 5 nurses fighting to hold her down and to put an IV in her little 2 year old arm. Then again when she was about 10 she decided to scare us again with a battle with meningitis that kept us all at Children's Hospital for a week with spinal taps and me signing papers about procedures that were risky but needed to make her better! Her life seemed to be in my hands once again.

Years of soccer showed her personality as well as gave us many more doctor bills. Hunting and fishing with her daddy...climbing mountains and white-water rafting with her youth group...wrestling with her boy cousins and uncles....never letting me put hair bows in her hair.....playing with horses, not DOLLS....I had my full blown, beautiful dark haired, blue-eyed, tom-boy little girl. My beautiful independent baby girl, with a mind of her own, grew to be just as strong-willed teenager with her own ideas of how she would live her life. Her faith was strong but never did she buy in to the "regular" way of doing things. She pushed the envelop with me every time she could. She made me challenge why I did and believed what I believed. She constantly would strive to be totally different from her sister and to be as tough as any boy and as pretty as any girl!!! She was born in to a natural strength and beauty of her own.

High school beat her down at times and she made some poor choices as we all do during those insane years but she recovered from them and learned valuable lessons. She dated some less-than-wonderful boys than never knew the real her. However, she held on to who she was and survived high school. Now she decided to venture out to a college all by herself. NONE of her friends and no one we knew would be there with her. She made friends and when she decided she needed a change...she changed...moved to another college and started a whole new adventure with new friends. To say she has found herself might be an understatement. Living through drama of roommates with different morals than she has made her reevaluate her path once again. Somewhere during this time....her friendship with a special young man grew. He became her rock. He was there to listen and help her through stuff any time she needed it. She could talk to him about the stuff she didn't want to worry us with. She learned she could tell him anything and he would listen and not judge. Watching their friendship deepen caught my attention. It scared me to be honest.

You see, this young man is special. He is the son of one of my best friends. He is also living on the other side of the world from her. Dustin is in the army. He was stationed in Germany at the time and they could only communicate via skype or internet. She talked a lot about him and I encouraged her "friendship" to stay just that. I didn't want her not going out and spending time with her friends and having some of those good "college" experiences. Little did I know that he was the most stable friendship she had during all those college days. When he came home for leave before deploying to Afghanistan, the sparks started flying. You could almost see them. EVERYONE noticed it. They just were instant. From that time on, we should have known. Actually, Mike swears he knew then how they would be now! Once again, she was following HER heart and had HER mind made up. He was the one. He was going to be part of her life for a very long time. I think it almost scared her too.

After 6 months of deployment, he is home for a short 2 weeks period. They have been in a relationship for over 6 months while he has served in one of the most active and dangerous areas. He has grown to be a young man instead of the boy I knew. He has captured my baby girl's heart. He is her best friend. He.....I believe....always will be.

Watching my daughter become this young woman who loves this young man who puts his life on the line daily for our freedom is almost too much for this momma. Watching my baby girl...my strong-willed...determined...independent...spirited...wise beyond her years...baby girl make life decisions with this young man makes my heart hurt....good hurt...and hard hurt. That's the only way I know to describe it. I'm so excited and happy for her and scared and sad at the same time. She has been my spirited child. She has been a part of my heart that I can't expalin. You never have favorite children....it is impossible to favor one of my girls over the other...they are each unique and hold special parts of my heart...but this one...this daughter....has a part of my heart that is very soft. Maybe it is because she was born during a time in my life where all I wanted was to take care and protect my two girls. I held on tight to her. Maybe it was because of the hard pregnancy, wreck, impossible delivery of her that she has this spot. Maybe it was because of how sick she was as a baby and the other close calls through her growing up. Maybe it is because she wouldn't let me hold on to her that I try so hard to hold on still now. Maybe it was because she loved me...but wanted her daddy more. Maybe it is because she has some of the best of me in her that I have lost throughout the years.

My heart strings are being pulled tight this morning. She and Dustin are making choices and decisions that could take her far from me. She is no longer my baby girl....well, not my baby....she will always be my girl. She is a young woman. She is at that time where we choose to leave our families and hold tightly to a new family.....her very own little family some day. I know the days ahead will be hard for her. Saying good-bye to this young man and sending him back to danger and away from her arms will be hard. My watching her survive these next months without him here will be hard. Preparing to give her to him one day will be one of the hardest joyful things I will do.

My heartstrings are playing a song of love for a baby girl I love deeply.....

Hello 2012........

2012........I can not imagine what all this new year has in store for our family. 2011 was a full year....so full that I didn't write but once!!!! I truly have missed my one-on-one time with my computer and my blog. As those who have shared some of this writing adventure with me know, this is my release. This is where I have gotten some of the cobwebs out of my head and on to "paper"..aka...computer screen. This is what has helped me process through difficult days and not have to just keep it all to myself. So I am promising myself that I will write in 2012. I need it. It is part of me. But even as I type right now, my left arm/shoulder/neck are starting to stiffen. The struggles with my neck have really hindered my ability to type like I use to, but I dare to move forward.


Let me recap 2011.....Our precious grandbaby, Halee, was born in May....and then my GrandMary died a month later in June. In November, Mike and I celebrated 25 years of marriage with a week long trip to Nashville. These key events truly mark 2011 as a year to remember. Other events that changed our lives this past year were....Steppingstones Ministries first Encounter weekends in January, Dustin's homecoming for R&R in June and his departure for Afghanistan in July, Tara and Dustin's relationship being redefined from friends to dating, our girlfriends' trip to Destin for a week at the beach, SCHOOL starting back again for what I would call the hardest most stressful year I've had in a long time, and saying good-bye to my dear friend/sister, Tana, as she moved to New York.

2011 was a year of ups and downs. It was a year that redefined who I am in many ways. My favorite NEW identity is NENE! Being a grandmother is the absolute best thing in the world. I get it now! Watching your child become a parent and bless you with a baby to love and snuggle and play with is just the best thing ever. Having Halee in our lives has helped me have a new perspective on who I am called to be and who I have been trying to be. I've come to a place where what is important to me outweighs what is expected of me. Life has become too short in my mind for me to waste on anything but being who I am created to be. Who is that...you may ask....well, that is still changing daily. And yet, maybe it is not changing at all, but I am embracing who I am and not trying to be anything more. I don't know yet!

2011 has shown me a lot about friendships. We have watched friends move away to follow their dream and calling to plant a church. We have watched friends walk away for reasons we still don't understand. We have seen anger in friends that we can't make any better. We have watched friendships be strained to the point of breaking but manage to survive. We have helped pack friends to move across the country. We've even found some new friendships along the way that have helped fill in the gaps for those we've lost. I have mourned the loss of some friendships and miss the days where life was different, but I am forever thankful for those few friendships that have weathered all the storms and have hung in there with us. I'm especially thankful for the few that I know, no matter what..when..where, they will be there.

2011 has brought up questions about my career for me. I have never been more unhappy with my profession as I have been this year. I LOVE the people I work with and my campus could not be better, but it is the atmosphere and the lack of respect I feel as a PROFESSIONAL EDUCATOR that resonates deep within my soul. The feeling of "not being good enough" or needing to be "JUST LIKE" every other teacher has been pressed down on us so hard that we are all stifled. I've cried more this year as a teacher (with over 16 years experience) than I did my first 5 years of teaching. The stress has been unreal and the strain it has put on our campus, my health, friendships, and frankly my sanity, is just not okay. This I do know....I AM A GOOD TEACHER! I just don't know that our educational system wants good teachers any more. It feels that they want robots that teach exactly the same no matter what the kids need or what our personal style might be. I don't see me staying in public education for much longer. I hate that. I love kids. I love making a difference, but at this point, I can't put my health at risk because of people who no longer work in the classroom....or never have been a classroom teacher....deciding how I should say every single word in my class.....more pressure....for less pay.....and higher insurance......and zero respect. I'm giving myself 4 more years......tops.....that gets my baby girl out of high school and I can explore other options.

2011 was not the best year for me.....there were some great things that happened this past year, Halee being one of the key happy moments, but overall, it was a hard year. I'm honestly glad the year is over and gone. I'm thankful for the lessons we have learned over this past year. I am thankful for the people who are in our lives and continue to prove daily that they are true friends and love us warts and all.

So....2012....I'm ready for you! I'm ready for NEW! I'm ready for fresh and new and a year of exciting changes. I know there are still hurdles ahead, but I know who I can depend on to help me through them. I am looking forward to taking my life back. To redefining me some more. Time to make some hard changes that will allow me to be me......I still believe that learning to say NO is the best thing I can do. I am not going to do out of obligation any more.....I will do what I am called to do...led to do....by God alone and not guilted to do by those who THINK they know me. It may rock some friendships, but you know....if they are true friends they will stand by me. I'm tired of being second fiddle to everyone else and not counting. My message from God app said this last night.... "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent." Well....I don't consent any more. I'm tired of being the "good listener" and the "counselor" for friends who are never there for me when I need someone to listen. My problems/issues may not be earth shattering like theirs but to me they are hard issues and more than once in 2011 I learned that they are not there for me.

2012.....I will write/blog more. I will say "no" to when I don't really want to do something. I will be true to the me I was created to be. I will find a new passion for my life and actively seek after it. I will be me....the me I'm created to be. The girl who cries too easy....listens and cares....loves her family right under God....the girl who doesn't have to be like everyone else to be okay.....the girl who can stand alone in a crowd and feel confident in her decisions....the girl that wants joy and happiness and beauty in her life and will not settle for less than that....