Pieces....

A thousand tiny pieces laying on the floor. Each piece a part of something broken. I had handled it with care. I had made sure that it was well taken care of and in its proper place. I protected it and made sure that all who had contact with it knew its value. But now, here it lays.....a thousand tiny pieces.

Have you ever thought of breaking into tiny pieces? Seriously, I mean falling apart. I have. I had a friend today mention she didn't know how I did it....being a mom, planning a wedding, getting another daughter off to prom, teaching, and simply being me. She said I made it look easy. The funny thing is just 2 days ago I told Mike I thought I was going to break from all the stress.

Holding everything together is not easy. I really feel that all it would take is one more crack and I will shatter. There are so many pieces to me. So much that people don't see or know. Yes, there are the mom and wife pieces and they take a big piece of me. Lately they seem to be even more demanding. Planning the wedding, getting prom taken care of, dealing with teachers and grades that are not acceptable, scheduling SATs and searching colleges for admission requirements and application deadlines are just a few of the cracks in this piece. Then there is the house keeping, cleaning, bill paying, and remodeling that must be done. Cooking??? Groceries??? Almost too much for me to handle. One more responsibility at home and I fall apart.

But then there are the other sides to me. The sister and daughter, as well as the granddaughter, aunt, and sister-in-law make up another large piece of me. Then you must add in the teacher, colleague, mentor, team member and committee member. After that you need to see the friend, confidant, cheerleader, and part time counselor/writer that round out other pieces.

How do I manage all these pieces and keep me as a whole person? I find myself totally drained and useless when it comes to keeping it together lately. If I can't find a way to hold together, I fear a thousand pieces of me scattered upon the floor just like those pieces of glass. Each piece delicate and part of a much bigger whole, but also broken and no longer useful.

I keep reciting a scripture that helps me hold together, "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." This is the glue holding me together. This is why I have not fallen apart. I know that without making my relationship with God a top priority, I will not be able to continue holding on. When I feel that I am at the end of my rope, I have to take a step back and do what I call "stepping off the planet" for a while and let God have my burdens. Even Christ needed solitude with the Father to pray and to be refilled. What makes me think I don't need the same thing? Pride.....I think I can do it all myself, but the truth is, I am weak and fragile and will break if I don't give in to God's call to "be still and KNOW He is God".

What's Left Undone?

I walk in my house tonight and think "what is that smell?" Did I not move the laundry? Are there dirty dishes in the sink? Or did we forget to take out the trash this morning? What is it?

Then I look around my house and feel my mood change. Who's shoes are those laying in the middle of the floor? Why didn't they pick up after themselves? There is that other basket of laundry to fold. When was the last time I vacuumed? I need to scrub the tub. Also, what about mopping? Unload the dishwasher, dust the furniture, make the beds, fold the clothes, pick up the junk....or maybe I need to pay bills. OH YEA....I haven't been to the grocery store! What in the world is in that box on the table????

So many things to make me worry and fret. So many things to make me frustrated and discouraged. So many unimportant things.....

This week has left me wondering and thinking about the important things. The things that cloud my mind and fill my day that really don't matter seem to crowd out the things that should fill my life. If today was my last day.....and it could be....what would I have left undone? Would it be my messy unorganized house that would be my greatest regret or would it be those relationships that need mending that would be forever lost?

My dad said today, "We have to live every day to its fullest and not take a moment for granted." How true that is! My list should be less about what is undone around the house and more about what I am going to appreciate today. Have I hugged my husband? Did I kiss him goodbye? Should I have gotten up earlier to just walk him to the door? What about making him breakfast? Did I pray today? Have I met with my Father and sought His guidance and wisdom for the challenges today will bring?

What about my girls? Did I hug and kiss them today? Do they know that I love them and I'm proud of them? Did I tell them again how much their Father in heaven loves them? Did I set the example of a Christian woman, wife, mother for them? Did I take time to listen to them and just spend time with them instead of being in a hurry?

Did I look at the picture she drew for me? Did I take the extra time to fix her hair for her pictures today? Did I read to her and go to her soccer practices and games? Did I take the extra time to play with her today?

What about my friend? Did I call her when I thought about her? Did I send that card? It was her birthday. I missed our lunch time again. I even forgot to mention her new hair cut.

Why was that little boy so upset today? That girl looks like she didn't sleep last night. He really needs to talk to me today, but I have so many papers to grade. Give me a minute, then I can listen. Sit down, please, can't you see I'm working?

What if today is my last day? What will they remember about me? What will I have left undone?

The way I see it, each day is a gift. We are not guaranteed anything more than what we have this very minute. Each breath we take is another gift. We plan for tomorrow and put off until the next day. If tomorrow I don't wake up, or today is my last chance to say, I want my loved ones to know they mean the world to me. My husband is my best friend and truly the love of my life. My daughters....all three....are precious to me. More precious than gold or silver. They truly are gifts from above and I love them dearly. My family....mom, dad, brothers, grandparents, aunts and uncles, cousins, are part of the roots that make me who I am today. They are my foundation. My friends have provided me with sisters that I never had and support that I could not have made it without.

Today, in this moment, I want to live each breath to the fullest. I want to laugh and to cry. To clap, sing and even dance. I want to hug my children and kiss my hubby. I want to listen to the old stories again that my grandmother tells and I really want to hold hands with those I love. Tomorrow is not promised. Now is all I have. I don't want to leave anything undone......

Life is Fragile

Tonight as I sit here in the silence of my house I have thought about how quickly life can change. A friend of mine has been sick. She thought she was battling the flu. Then, we hear she is in ICU and her body is shutting down! Her children are called in from school and drive hours to possibly see their mother for the last time. Her husband sits alone by her bed and hears the words from the doctor with an unreal feeling all around him. How could this be happening? She was just a little sick, and now......

Thankfully the news is good. She is improving today. The power of prayer is amazing and I have no doubt that God's hand has been at work in her life today. Things were so grim last night. Things looked so doubtful that she would recover. Praise God for second chances.....

I got another phone call today. I have another friend in the ER. She too has been fighting a cold....just feeling bad. Now she too is in the hospital with unsettling symptoms and asking for prayers. I know my God can heal her too. I know the power of prayer. I also know at times, His answer is not what I would want it to be.

My family is spread out tonight. Mike is at a Stars game. Tara and Chelsea are at church....yes, I played hookie....and Ashton is at school. As each left home tonight, did I tell them I love them? Did I kiss them? Did we have any hurt feelings between us before they left? Do they know I really love them and that my world would not be near as happy without them?

What about those friends of mine that I haven't taken the time to talk to lately? Do they know what they mean to me? Do they know the impact they have had on my life? I lost a dear friend over a year ago and I don't know that she really knew what an impact she had made on my life. I remember after hearing of her death, how all I could think about was that pat on the back she gave me before she left school on Friday. She always was quiet in nature and loving, but I don't know that she knew how much those little things impacted those around her. I look back now and wish I had those last few minutes back with her to tell her how much she meant to me, just to let her know she would be missed when she was gone. I would love to be able to tell her "thank you" for always being there and being my friend.

I know there are those relationships that are not what they need to be and I need to take time NOW to fix those. What if tomorrow does not come for them....or for me? Life is so fragile, we never know when our last breath will be. Let nothing be left unsaid or undone. Live daily knowing that those you love know you love them. Today may be the last day this side of heaven that you have to spend with them. Hug them, kiss them, laugh with them, talk to them. Do not let a moment go by without them knowing you are in their corner.

If today was your last day......what would you need to make sure was not left undone or unsaid? I have a list I need to work on. Call my mom and my dad. Tell them thank you for everything they have done for me. Go see my grandmother more often. Make peace with my brother. Forgive those hurts that have added bricks to the wall. Smile more, worry less. Laugh more, diet less, enjoy life. Be a friend and make God a priority. (He is who I want to spend eternity with!)

Today is the only day I have guaranteed. Who knows what tomorrow will bring, life is fragile.....

Mothers.....and Daughters....

This is for my Sisters.....those who are missing their moms, hurting because they didn't have the mom they desired, and for those nursing their mothers back to health. This is also for my mom........thank you for being my mom....through it all...............


Motherhood....what a blessing! And then there are those other days.....I'm sure you know what I mean......those days that you know you are scarring your child for life. You know you are making every mistake possible and are sure your child will end up hating you and seeking counseling for all your blunders.

There is this feeling as a mother that I have of overwhelming duty to protect and make sure my girls turn out "just right." But what does that mean...."just right?" Maybe it is not even a need for them to be "right" but to be capable of surviving and not falling for the schemer's schemes. I want to enable them to be strong, independent women who love God and seek HIS wisdom and guidance through this thing we call life. There is so much that is dangerous and dark and scary about life and I want my girls to be prepared to face whatever will be thrown at them. There is not much I wouldn't do for my girls. Let me explain....

I knew when I first found out I was expecting that Ashton was a girl. No sonogram to determine what "it" would be. I just knew. I started planning then. Picking out furniture and bedding, buying clothes for my little princess, all were parts of the prep work to becoming a mom. I read books and tracked every month of my pregnancy with symptoms and my growing belly. I talked to her, sang to her, prayed for her and cried many tears of joy and pain. I waited with such anticipation for the arrival of our angel. What a day that was! I remember the family gathering for the first grandchild, the first niece, the first in our new family. I also remember that first day, holding my baby girl and singing to her as I rocked her close, smelling that fresh baby smell and marking the memory deep in my heart. I can feel it even today. I also remember the fear of failing her.......failing as a mother and not getting this parenting thing right.

Those blessings of a daughter were revisited two more times with the arrival of Tara and Chelsea. Three daughters, three blessings. LOTS of responsibilities. Many joys....many tears, and more fears than can be numbered. Being a mother is precious to me. I consider it the greatest blessing and the greatest responsibility. It is my mission field first and foremost, but I also know, I have failed many times.

I have yelled when I should have listened. I have been too busy with my own life when they have needed to be close to me. I have been absent, when I should have been present. I have not always done what Jesus would have done. I have not always been the best mom, but I can say I have always loved.

A mother's love is one of the closest loves comparable to God's love....or it should be. There are so many people who have never felt that love. I can only imagine that without that feeling of unconditional love from their mother,s how their image of God must have been. I have never understood how a mother could not look at her child and know that they were precious and given to them as a gift. I KNOW at times it is hard to really like the little creatures that you once thought was so precious, especially in those teen years, but to deny your love to them....that I can not understand.

A mother gives us our sense of security through her hugs and words. So many times I have heard "let the baby cry" but I could never do that. I broke all the rules and rocked my babies to sleep, put them next to me in bed and let them snuggle close to me. I held them more than I laid them down. I wouldn't leave them in nursery at church but kept them near me. I talked to them as if they were really somebody and not just a child to be disciplined. They go where I go, they do what I do, and that means I have to examine my every day walk. My words have to match my actions and vice versa. When I am wrong, and I am a lot, I have to go to them and tell them. I have to be what I expect them to be and do what I expect them to do. As a mom, I have to teach them and train them by example first. It is not an easy job. It is very humbling and often times, I mess it up. Thankfully I serve a merciful God and my children do too!

To those of you who missed having a mom for whatever reason, God can fill in those empty and missing pieces. His love is so much greater and His example is true perfection. He teaches us through His word what true love is. He also shows how to discipline when needed. He always loves, but He is faithful to discipline when necessary. He loves unconditionally and is watching and waiting for you to seek Him for whatever you need.

I am thankful for the example of motherhood that my mom set before me. I know I am not the perfect mom and when I think of those things that I wish had been different in my relationship with my mom, I know she was doing the best she knew how to do. There were things out of her control and things that she would change if she could go back and fix them. Me too! There are those days I would erase from the memories of my girls, but I know God has used each and every event to bring me to where I am today and to bring my girls to where they are......I can't wait to see the moms they will be one day!

If at all possible, hug your mom, tell her you love her and forgive her for her mistakes. Don't take her issues as your issues. Let God heal the hurts and guide you through forgiveness. Learn from the good and the bad and give all the hurt to our Father. He can wipe your tears and mend your broken heart. He will hold you close in the dark of the night and sing His lullaby to your heart. If you missed those opportunities to learn from a godly mother, find a spiritual mom. Ask her for guidance in being a mom to your children. Ask her for a hug. You are not bound to the past nor do you have to be the same as you were taught, you can be so much more.

If you are a mom.....hug your babies. Love them unconditionally. Discipline when necessary but never forget to love. Guide them, teach them, talk to them and most of all LISTEN to them. Be their mom and be THERE. I have had to learn to get over my stuff and my hurts and get it together to be the mom God wants me to be. I don't have it all right, but I know it is the most important job of my life. It is here but a short time and then one day, they are grown, gone and looking back at you trying to know how to do it for themselves. Give them something to grow on......LOVE.