God Sent..

From the moment I woke up this morning I knew it wasn't going to be a good one. Today was exhausting to say the least I spent it fighting back tears and trying to catch myself a break in life...

My two kids are not with CN.. they're for a previous relationship with the biggest deadbeat ever! .. My only excuse I make to myself for ever being with this disgrace is that I was 17 when we got together.. Anyhoo when I was pregnant with Micah he turned into a complete Looney Bin and he started exhibiting some random behavior, like telling my kids they were never going to see me again and breaking into my house and stealing all of their clothes...Crazy A$$hole!! Long story short I decided to take him to court firstly, to change the visitation agreement to supervised visitation and secondly, to hit him where it hurts...His Wallet. Of which he hasn't opened for his children since 2003 the last time I received a CS payment.

Of course when I started this journey I had NO idea this is where I would be now.. depressed and grieving my baby whom I feel was the cause of his craziness in the first place... It's just ironic to me that the very thing that set him off and has us going to court every other month is now no more.. Dead, gone and buried..I feel like this whole fight isn't even worth it now

So anyways back to my day... I decided to apply for Legal Aid today I figured this way I can have a Lawyer speak on my behalf and it would bring down my stress..You know, maybe make my life a bit easier ... I figured since I’m a sole support parent of two whose income has been cut in half AND I have a dead baby I would be a shoe in... I was wrong

The second trip I made today in search of some kind of Godly mercy was to the Child Care Subsidy office (daycare).. They recently raised my fee based on what I was making last year but I was told to bring in pay slips for what I’m making now and they would see if they could change it.... Another dead end....I thought I was going to go postal..But then out of nowhere something amazing happened....

The social worker (I'll call her Christine) started asking me questions about Micah..., which took me off guard because people hardly ever ask about my Micah they normally avoid it at all cost..

Christine: Did you ever find out what happened to your baby??

Me (shocked) : No I still don't know what happened to 'her'

Christine: A baby girl ? (smile)

Me (teary smile and nod)

Christine (tears):I lost my baby boy last September06 and just like you I was 38 wks

Instantly, we made a connection..It was like we knew each other for years...I was finishing her sentences and she was finishing mine ..We talked about EVERYTHING..the pregnancy, the birth, pictures, footprints, funeral and names... We talked and cried for 2 hours.. I felt like I was looking in a mirror..She was me and I was her.. And It was human

Christine thank you so much .. You were truly God sent to me today, as he knew we needed each other... My heart is with you and your little angel...Evan

Bah Humbug!!!

It's been a while since I have blogged (a couple of weeks). To be honest I just didn't have the life in me to do it...I had just enough strength to check in and hover on everyone elses blog seeing how you mama's are doing.

Christmas.. It just doesn't seem right that Christmas should happen this year. Christmas for me has always been about gifts, family time, kids, food and just being happy about the year past and the year ahead.. How do I celebrate that now?? What am I suppose to be happy about?? What do I have to look forward to?? Christmas is less than a week away and it doesn't even feel like Christmas. I'm unable to put into words what it feels like but it definately isn't Christmas..If I didn't have two beyond excited Children who would lose their GOD damn mind if Christmas wasn't on Tuesday I would much rather sleep through this Christmas of 2007... As Scrooge so gracfully put it...'Bah Humbug'

Different World

I am convinced i'm living in a completely different world then everyone else. Everyone has moved on and i'm still here... missing Micah. I'm so tired of being asked what's wrong ...What's wrong?? hmmmmm I don't know...maybe I miss my baby!!

When are people going to realize it's not all about them?? If i'm not returning calls or emailing you just suck it up and give me time...It's not about you....it's about me and my dead baby.. Everyone needs to get over themselves and stop trying to make themselves the victim here... Stop trying to make me feel guilty .. I'm the victim .. Micah's the victim .. Just F#$%K off!!!

'I am a time bomb just waiting to explode'.. I said that to a girlfriend of mine today and she had the nerve to ask me why I would say that and why am I so angry..Why am I SO angry??? !!! Are you kidding me ??!!

Even CN sometimes asks me 'what's with the long face'...'Ugh' .... Nobody gets it...nobody gets me anymore..not even him

Am I the only one that misses Micah??

Just another day.....

Lately I have been feeling like i'm constantly on the verge of breaking down. Any little thing has me ready to go off.. If I miss the bus I want to lose it, if i'm waiting too long for the bus i'm on the verge of tears, If someone accidently touches me or pushes me when i'm grocery shopping I want to take their head off. I even find when I have company and they leave I have a crying session.

Everyone thinks I am so strong but i'm not.. they think i'm handling it well, if only they knew how many times a day I'm thinking how much I don't want to do this anymore.. I just want to curl up in a ball go to sleep and not EVER wake up.