Today is hard. Everyday is hard but today harder than usual. I guess i'm going thru the motions.
When dealing with everything happening to my 'dear friend' I was so overcome by her sorrow that I almost thought I was, shall I dare say 'Over it'....No such luck
Feeling very sad and depressed today..
Since birth I have always felt that my daughter (A) loved her dad more than she loved me .. I had a flashback today of my pregnancy with Micah. I so wanted a girl, I of course said the usual I didn't care what I had as long as he/she was healthy (right) but deep inside I really wanted a little girl. A little girl who loved ME..A little girl who thought I was her entire world.. This one I was going to do everything humanly possible to make love me. Was that wrong??
When I was pregnant everytime A and I would get into issues with regards to her not seeing her father i would honestly think 'God is going to bless me with a little girl who's going to be on my side'...But instead God took her away and i'm still left with nothing ... I was going to do it right this time but for some reason i wasn't even given the chance...
That weighs on me a lot...
I know it's stupid but i wonder sometimes if that thinking ... Well you know
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Ms Sensitivity
Last night myself and a couple of girls from work hung out at one of their houses to eat and drink wine and to talk about everything that has happened this past weekend up to now..
I find that I have been trying my hardest to not make this all about me and by that I mean when people are speaking their mind on this whole deadbaby situation, not to take it personal ..This has been my biggest challenge thus far these last few days... Big challenges like when someone who has no children and has never even been pregnant says to ME of all people 'I feel like I just lost my baby' it just makes me wonder if they have a brain in their head. Because you know what? As awful and heartbreaking and numbing and shocking as this situation is I don't feel like I just lost MY baby but I sure as HELL know exactly how it feels ... I don't know maybe I'm just expecting too darn much from these people who really know nothing about the loss of a child .. It's like my losing Micah didn't educate them at all
Back to last night...I ended up getting very upset and walking out on them over something that again I think was me taking everything personal and maybe being completely sensitive about everything..
So a question was asked as to when we thought our dear friend would attempt to come back to work. I originally thought they meant when she would make some sort of contact with us because the first and very quick I might add response they guessed was like a couple of weeks... I was shocked when I realized they were talking about when she would come back to work and I immediately spoke up and said 'she's going to take more than just a few weeks'...It was as if they didn't just go thru this with me just 8 months ago and I took 5 months to return .. I mean I know everyone is different in how they react to grief but I felt very offended... What did they think I was doing?? Milking it!! Their thinking is not even logical. People break limbs and stay off longer than that...
Their reasoning was that they felt she would get stir crazy being at home...OK?? Because becoming stir crazy right now is going to be the only thing on her mind?? Right!! Like I said I obviously give people far too much credit. They don't have a clue what this life is like and how much it changes you and how lost you are and how scared and how you are completely replaced by this new person you become.. A deadbabymommy.
On my way home I called my dear friend. It sounded so good to hear her voice and of course she said that whole no contact thing doesn't apply me 'smile' :-)
I find that I have been trying my hardest to not make this all about me and by that I mean when people are speaking their mind on this whole deadbaby situation, not to take it personal ..This has been my biggest challenge thus far these last few days... Big challenges like when someone who has no children and has never even been pregnant says to ME of all people 'I feel like I just lost my baby' it just makes me wonder if they have a brain in their head. Because you know what? As awful and heartbreaking and numbing and shocking as this situation is I don't feel like I just lost MY baby but I sure as HELL know exactly how it feels ... I don't know maybe I'm just expecting too darn much from these people who really know nothing about the loss of a child .. It's like my losing Micah didn't educate them at all
Back to last night...I ended up getting very upset and walking out on them over something that again I think was me taking everything personal and maybe being completely sensitive about everything..
So a question was asked as to when we thought our dear friend would attempt to come back to work. I originally thought they meant when she would make some sort of contact with us because the first and very quick I might add response they guessed was like a couple of weeks... I was shocked when I realized they were talking about when she would come back to work and I immediately spoke up and said 'she's going to take more than just a few weeks'...It was as if they didn't just go thru this with me just 8 months ago and I took 5 months to return .. I mean I know everyone is different in how they react to grief but I felt very offended... What did they think I was doing?? Milking it!! Their thinking is not even logical. People break limbs and stay off longer than that...
Their reasoning was that they felt she would get stir crazy being at home...OK?? Because becoming stir crazy right now is going to be the only thing on her mind?? Right!! Like I said I obviously give people far too much credit. They don't have a clue what this life is like and how much it changes you and how lost you are and how scared and how you are completely replaced by this new person you become.. A deadbabymommy.
On my way home I called my dear friend. It sounded so good to hear her voice and of course she said that whole no contact thing doesn't apply me 'smile' :-)
Monday, June 16, 2008
Completely helpless on so many levels
So I had to have the unwanted conversation with the kids about Waverly. I tried to make it as simple and non-detailed as possible ...
Responses:
UB(9)- 'Not again! first our baby now her baby'..
AB(12)- 'Mommy are you sure you may want to do this again??' ( I haven't said a word about TTC to her)
Going back over their responses and their behaviours over the last year it just really sucks that they had to be subjected to this not once but twice..It's a wonder my daughter will ever trust her body to pregnancy and to be honest it may not be over for them. It's awful that their innocence has been ripped from them .. It just breaks my heart that this is what their experience will be and will always be a part of them ... On the other hand maybe it's a good thing that they are aware that this doesn't only happen to other people and can happen to them. Then maybe they won't be entirely caught off guard when the wind is knocked out of them and their worlds completely torn apart...Who am I trying to fool?? There is no preparing them for this..
My children may never be able to live in the same naive world that was mine before late September of last year and at the same time not be any more prepared then I was because this isn't suppose to happen and is again completely unnatural...
As for my dear friend..She has been released from the hospital and wants no contact, no flowers and no cards...Her daughter is gone and there's absolutely nothing I can do for her..I have walked this road before ..well, we all have... and I still feel completely helpless...
Responses:
UB(9)- 'Not again! first our baby now her baby'..
AB(12)- 'Mommy are you sure you may want to do this again??' ( I haven't said a word about TTC to her)
Going back over their responses and their behaviours over the last year it just really sucks that they had to be subjected to this not once but twice..It's a wonder my daughter will ever trust her body to pregnancy and to be honest it may not be over for them. It's awful that their innocence has been ripped from them .. It just breaks my heart that this is what their experience will be and will always be a part of them ... On the other hand maybe it's a good thing that they are aware that this doesn't only happen to other people and can happen to them. Then maybe they won't be entirely caught off guard when the wind is knocked out of them and their worlds completely torn apart...Who am I trying to fool?? There is no preparing them for this..
My children may never be able to live in the same naive world that was mine before late September of last year and at the same time not be any more prepared then I was because this isn't suppose to happen and is again completely unnatural...
As for my dear friend..She has been released from the hospital and wants no contact, no flowers and no cards...Her daughter is gone and there's absolutely nothing I can do for her..I have walked this road before ..well, we all have... and I still feel completely helpless...
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Her name is...
Her name is Waverly
They say she has no brain activity and my dear friend and her husband must decide if and when to shut down her life support...It's heartbreaking
The labor was fine until Waverlys heart rate started to go down really low during contractions.. She said they had her pushing for a while and then they decided to use forceps for the rest of the delivery.. She came out not breathing and a huge amount of people in the room..Then she was wisked away with my dear friend left with no crying baby..She doesn't even know how much she weighs...It really sucks
I found out about her pregnancy not even two weeks after losing Micah and I spent the night bawling my eyes out. Finding out that someone else got to carry life and be excited about something that ended so tragic for me just hit me like a ton of bricks. In the beginning I would avoid asking about the pregnancy and to be honest I think she knew that and she understood but eventually I guess you could say I came around. I really started to care and love the idea of getting to be with a baby again even if it wasn't mine. I became so excited for her and her husband this being their first baby..They were so ready to be perfect parents..There were a few things that I didn't budge on like I didn't go baby shopping for her shower. I went in on three big group gifts which I was only responsable for handing over my portion 0f the money. I tried to go back to baby r us and the baby section @ the Bay but it was awful... I also never felt her belly or felt Waverly kick...That one is easy but yet really hard to explain..but I would guess you may somewhat get it..
How could this happen again?? This is so mean and so cruel...Shit!! She and her husband are beside themselves with grief, shock and disbelieve..It's just so horrible and unfair..You know even tho it has happened to me this still caught me off guard and what I think it comes down to is babies are not suppose to die..This is completely unnatural ...
So here we are trading places. She helped keep my head above water not even 9 months ago and now it's my turn to return the favor....This really sucks
They say she has no brain activity and my dear friend and her husband must decide if and when to shut down her life support...It's heartbreaking
The labor was fine until Waverlys heart rate started to go down really low during contractions.. She said they had her pushing for a while and then they decided to use forceps for the rest of the delivery.. She came out not breathing and a huge amount of people in the room..Then she was wisked away with my dear friend left with no crying baby..She doesn't even know how much she weighs...It really sucks
I found out about her pregnancy not even two weeks after losing Micah and I spent the night bawling my eyes out. Finding out that someone else got to carry life and be excited about something that ended so tragic for me just hit me like a ton of bricks. In the beginning I would avoid asking about the pregnancy and to be honest I think she knew that and she understood but eventually I guess you could say I came around. I really started to care and love the idea of getting to be with a baby again even if it wasn't mine. I became so excited for her and her husband this being their first baby..They were so ready to be perfect parents..There were a few things that I didn't budge on like I didn't go baby shopping for her shower. I went in on three big group gifts which I was only responsable for handing over my portion 0f the money. I tried to go back to baby r us and the baby section @ the Bay but it was awful... I also never felt her belly or felt Waverly kick...That one is easy but yet really hard to explain..but I would guess you may somewhat get it..
How could this happen again?? This is so mean and so cruel...Shit!! She and her husband are beside themselves with grief, shock and disbelieve..It's just so horrible and unfair..You know even tho it has happened to me this still caught me off guard and what I think it comes down to is babies are not suppose to die..This is completely unnatural ...
So here we are trading places. She helped keep my head above water not even 9 months ago and now it's my turn to return the favor....This really sucks
Saturday, June 14, 2008
Do me this favor...
Let me tell you how much life sucks...
Today a close friend of mine delivered her daughter...
Suppose to be the happiest moment of her live... She had a bad delivery
She was born with what the doctors say is 'very bad brain damage' due to her not having a heartbeat and reviving her after 14mins...
This little girl is a fighter!!
Everyone please pray for this baby. I need her to make it..Please!!!!!!!!
Today a close friend of mine delivered her daughter...
Suppose to be the happiest moment of her live... She had a bad delivery
She was born with what the doctors say is 'very bad brain damage' due to her not having a heartbeat and reviving her after 14mins...
This little girl is a fighter!!
Everyone please pray for this baby. I need her to make it..Please!!!!!!!!
Friday, June 6, 2008
To TTC or not to TTC...That is the question
I have been having an internal fight for sometime now about the decision to start TTC. When I first lost Micah TTC was such an easy decision for me and now...I just don't know. When I first lost Micah I wanted to start TTC right away and it was the 'boytoy' who said we needed time to heal and now he's ready and my heart stops every time I think about it...I am not just scared, I'm utterly terrified..NO I'm petrified of losing another baby and having the same very heartbreaking, depressing, excruciatingly painful ending.
Then there's my job...I mean is everyone going to look at me like I'm an idiot for trying again?? I was just promoted this month and I'm wondering if this is the right time?? I know initially when they posted this position they were looking for someone to stick it out and be in it for a while..You working ladies know what I mean right??
Then I was asked to be in my best friends wedding next July ..Should I wait until after there big day??
Or am I just making excuses because I'm scared shitless??...Right now I'm coping with what happened to me but if it happens again like I KNOW it could ..It will change me forever and I may not be able to come back from that and I'm hanging onto a string as it is...This really sucks!! I want to be that naive girl I was before losing Micah where pregnancy was enjoyable and thrilling and tranquil and blissful...Yeah..I want that again
Truth be told I really really want a baby.....
Then there's my job...I mean is everyone going to look at me like I'm an idiot for trying again?? I was just promoted this month and I'm wondering if this is the right time?? I know initially when they posted this position they were looking for someone to stick it out and be in it for a while..You working ladies know what I mean right??
Then I was asked to be in my best friends wedding next July ..Should I wait until after there big day??
Or am I just making excuses because I'm scared shitless??...Right now I'm coping with what happened to me but if it happens again like I KNOW it could ..It will change me forever and I may not be able to come back from that and I'm hanging onto a string as it is...This really sucks!! I want to be that naive girl I was before losing Micah where pregnancy was enjoyable and thrilling and tranquil and blissful...Yeah..I want that again
Truth be told I really really want a baby.....
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Dropping In...
Wow!! It's been a while since I have been here. I have to honestly say I was terrified to come back here. Everytime I thought of blogging or checking blogs a panic would come over me and I would put it off...until now 3 months later...I guess unfortunately my experience here is so traumatic I just couldn't bear to read about everyone's sadness or to write about my own that lingers in me but I do a really good job of masking most days...I know it's still there..I feel it sometimes trying to take over my work days and my happy moments but, I keep fighting it off. When I first came back to work I used to spend daily time in this private washroom on my floor and cry for about 15 mins and then come back to my desk as good as new... That doesn't happen daily anymore.
Now I should give some type of update shouldn't I?? let's see...
I was promoted at my job...That's really exciting news for me because I wasn't even supposed to come back to this job..Intially when I thought I would be on maternity leave for a year I was going to concentrate on looking for something else but with the spin that my life took I lost that motivation so when I came back and this position became available it renewed that want in me that I had...
In mid-May I went on an all girls vacation to Punta Cana, DR...That was much needed..We had a blast!! These ladies have been my RL life line and it was nice to relax and act crazy with them...Real crazy...and the pictures to prove it..
For those who remember my family dilemma unfortunately it hasn't been resolved...I'm still not speaking to my sister. I have thought about just forgiving and calling her but then I feel so guilty ... I feel like it would be such a betrayal to my Micah and I change my mind..I just can't bring myself to call and forgive her...I just can't. My heart just won't let me..not right now anyways
All in all I'm doing okay..That's what I say whenever anyone asks me with that look in their eyes ..'I'm okay'. I miss Micah terribly and some days I still can't believe this happened to me and my baby is gone but, I'm okay....I'm sorry I have been absent for so long and I hope all is well with everyone...I hope everyone is okay or even better
Now I should give some type of update shouldn't I?? let's see...
I was promoted at my job...That's really exciting news for me because I wasn't even supposed to come back to this job..Intially when I thought I would be on maternity leave for a year I was going to concentrate on looking for something else but with the spin that my life took I lost that motivation so when I came back and this position became available it renewed that want in me that I had...
In mid-May I went on an all girls vacation to Punta Cana, DR...That was much needed..We had a blast!! These ladies have been my RL life line and it was nice to relax and act crazy with them...Real crazy...and the pictures to prove it..
For those who remember my family dilemma unfortunately it hasn't been resolved...I'm still not speaking to my sister. I have thought about just forgiving and calling her but then I feel so guilty ... I feel like it would be such a betrayal to my Micah and I change my mind..I just can't bring myself to call and forgive her...I just can't. My heart just won't let me..not right now anyways
All in all I'm doing okay..That's what I say whenever anyone asks me with that look in their eyes ..'I'm okay'. I miss Micah terribly and some days I still can't believe this happened to me and my baby is gone but, I'm okay....I'm sorry I have been absent for so long and I hope all is well with everyone...I hope everyone is okay or even better
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