Last week was an entire page maybe even a chapter out of last year's book. I was a completely different person; I had no control of myself or my emotions. I have been so sad and I'm just so pissed off and the crushing pain on my heart that is making every breathe I take almost impossible is something that was so remising of what I was going thru this time last year.
On Wednesday Micah's birthday we finally went to the cemetery. Somewhere we hadn't gone back to since the day we buried her. It felt weird to know she was down there but at the same time nice to know she was that close to us and if I didn't think I would look like a crazy lunatic I would have dug her up and took her home where she belongs... We brought her lots of pink flowers and balloons and took pictures ... and when we finally had to leave I had to do everything in my power to bite my lips and hold back tears because I again had to leave without my baby.
The rest of the evening was a bit more easier.. All of our best friends came (about 20 people) and we ordered pizza, ate birthday cake and I drank a lot of wine.. and I do mean a lot ...
I created a scrapbook of Micah so everyone could see how beautiful my little girl was and how big her feet were. I still smile about her big feet. It was really nice to feel that much again for my baby.
I do think over time I have mastered the burial of these feelings, but this week it all came back to the surface. Thank God because I'm not ready to be over my baby Micah. I don't ever really want to be over Micah and having a week like this one year later renewed feelings within me that I am her mother and she is my little girl. This wasn't just a bad dream or nightmare...and it's not fair that Micah doesn't get to be loved by her family and her family that loved and anticipated her has no choice but to carry on without her. All we have are weeks like this and I just think it's so mean and cruel and unjust...
My sweet baby girl Micah.. The idea that you'll never get to experience life, hugs and kisses, love, mommy's cooking , smiles, laughter...even anger ..Just breaks my heart. I miss you so much ... no one really knows or understands how much. Maybe one day we can meet in my dreams ... I yearn to hug and kiss your cute little face again. You'll always be in my heart forever...I Love you lots Monkey
Monday, October 6, 2008
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