Baby Santa... (Pic)

This Christmas.....

Is it possible that it's December already ?? The last four months have just flown by..

Elijah is finally sleeping longer than 3 hour intervals, we have graduated to 4 and on a good night even 5 hours. But its wonderful and I really cannot complain about anything ... He's a happy, beautiful, chunky baby and if he needs me to stay up all night for a week I would. He's smiling and laughing, He weighs a wopping 17 pounds and is growning out of everything... He's great!

I wish I blogged more often ..I have gone thru alot of ups and downs since Elijah came into my life... I really miss Micah and I have so much in my mind and heart but just can't get into all of it right this very minute... I think about her so much..Everytime Eli hits another milestone I feel so sad for her..Everytime we blow the dust off another baby related item that was suppose to be hers ...I feel sad

Christmas time is here yet again .. Only this year i'm so excited to have my sweet little boy here to celebrate his first Christmas ... But!... and there's always a but.. I feel sad Micah didn't get a first Christmas.. I wonder sometimes if this is how it's always going to be for Elijah. Will he always live in his sisters shadow?? Will every smile, walk, talk and play always make me sad and long for Micah?

So here I am with Christmas only weeks away.. Getting ready to celebrate it the way it was intended to be celebrated 2 years ago... This time I get to be happy. I get to buy that toy, I get to fill his stocking,I get to make him wear that santa suite or baby's first christmas onesie... He's not just a figment of my imagination ..he's really here ... living, breathing, laughing, eating and giving me several unpleasant diapers everyday... This time I get to finally be a happy mommy ..

But.....

Micah Eileen Eva Nelson

Today is Micah's Second birthday.

Two years ago today I gave birth to the sweetest most innocent and beautiful little baby girl..She had my nose and Clive's forehead and she was so small '6.11'. 18 inches long. She had all ten toes and ten fingers and a full head of black silky hair. She was perfect in every way.. except she had no cry and no heartbeat...no screaming baby..Just two devastated parents and a handful of whispering doctors and nurses

My entire world as I knew it died that day

How unbearable life has been without Micah. I cannot believe it has been two years since we held her .. Two years since we looked at her from head to toe and wondered how the hell did this happen to such a perfect baby.. Two years since we gave her back to the nurses and said a tearful final goodbye

Today we'll go to the cemetary with flowers and pink balloon and we'll eat cake.. As mean as it sounds I really don't want to do anything ...even worse I really don't want to go to the cemetary..I HATE it there. I feel really anxious and nervous to go and when we leave my throat feels lumpy and my heart breaks...it really sucks..But Adina and Uriah (her big sister and brother) remembered her birthday and really want to go..They are excited to tell her all about Elijah

Messages to Micah are especially hard since Elijah's birth.. I had imagined this perfect life with Micah and how things would have been but since meeting Elijah and mothering a real live baby it's getting harder to do and what I want to say doesn't always come as easy as it used to..I feel like she is slipping from me like her memory is fading .. not her birth so much but this imaginary life I dreamt up in my head for her and me..I used to have visions of her running around the house, toys all under foot. Now I don't.. she's fading and there is nothing I can do.

I hope this doesn't sound like i'm replacing her bacause I know i'm not ...Elijah is my dream come true... he has healed me in ways I cannot even explain.. but he can never replace my baby girl... I believe i'm finally excepting the fact that I have a dead baby and her name is Micah Eileen Eva Nelson and today she would have been 2

Happy birthday baby girl
We miss you so much
know that we all love you more than
anything.. Today I'll make a cake with
chocolate chips in the frosting. Dina and
Uriah love it and i'm sure you would
have to. I can't believe you're
two and can only imagine the
trouble and joy you would be
causing .. We have missed out
on so much not having you with
us ..Today I wish you the best birthday
ever with lots of love, kisses and hugs,
goodies and huge pink balloons

We miss you monkey

How beautiful is he.....

It has been a hot minute since I have posted anything ..the last 6 weeks I have been a ball of nerves and didn't really have much to say other than i'm scared shitless of waking up one morning to no movement ...

On July 21st at 36 weeks after a failed BPP scan and two heart decellerations during a half hour NST we were told to go directly to labour and delivery. I didn't even have my bags packed (fingured it would be bad luck). On July 22nd @1:30am Elijah Simon Nelson was born screaming away with the cord wrapped around his neck twice.

Unbeliveably happy but very sad for my baby girl the two worlds have definately colided..But that's another post for another day .... for now how beautiful is he?

WAVERLY

One year ago today my Dear Friend gave birth to her beautiful baby girl, Waverly. One year ago and still unknown as to why Waverly was born not breathing and was immediately hooked up to a respirator machine to breath for her. Three days later my Dear Friend and her husband made the gut wrenching decision to shut the machine down and Waverly died in their arms.

I found out about Waverly two weeks after Micah died. Although it was a shock to my system at the time Waverly became my soul baby, my hope baby, the baby that was going to breath new life into a part of me that died with Micah...

~Waverly today I hope that you're surrounded with love, warmth, colorful balloons and lots and lots of cake..I hope that somehow someway you can feel all the love that is radiating from all of us as we all remember and miss you~

Happy Birthday Baby Girl

P.S- Give Micah a huge kiss and hug for me

My Biggest Fears

My dear friend and I have decided to start weekly Aqua Fit classes Every Thrusday and yesterday was my first class. It's a really great class, it begins with a half hour discussion about something pregnancy related followed by 45 minutes in the water. Anyway yesterday's discussion was about 'Labour related Fears'. The instructor started by reading out some blurbs from a pregnancy book and then she went around the room and one by one we were to tell her our fears. So some ladies were afraid of pooping on the table and others concerned about ripping. My dear friend (who some of you would remember from my blog a year ago next Saturday who lost her baby girl too) said her fears were about inducement and not going into labour naturally and mine was also inducement related but more about the timing (37 weeks)...

I'm thinking about it and that's not my biggest fear. To be honest that's doesn't even rank close to being my biggest fear. If anything i'm nothing more then relieved that they're going to induce me at 37 weeks (July 28th). What I should have said was my biggest fear is my body betraying me again or him being born still or how about leaving the hospital empty handed maybe even having to bury my son right next to his sister.. I wonder how that would have sat with everyone? or would I have become that weird girl who lost her baby from the last class? who knows now because I didn't say it. I said that dumb one liner about 'Early inducement'.

I came home last night and just stared at her picture... All those pregnant woman and their stupid fears and so called nightmares..They have no clue what a nightmare really is. And here I am trying to be one of them and trying to fit in .. When I need to just be myself..so what if the class would have taken a turn down into that dark road .. it happens to be my reality. And maybe it would have put things in perspective for them and they realize that their so called fears they'll get over but what happened to me 1 year, 8months and 5days ago I will never get over..

Those months after Micah passed away the pain was so unbearable that I often thought my only way out would have been for me to die right a long with her because I did beleive she was at way more peace then I was and was ever going to be.. Some where along this crazy road of grief something inside me has changed. Now here I am with the excitement that in less then 8 weeks I could have what was so abruply taken from me that nightmarish weekend in September of 2007 and I feel so bad for her..My Micah. All the love and life she is missing out on and here I am almost 'happy'. Although I still beleive she is at peace I can't help but feel these feelings of guilt..

Everyday that I get closer to the possibility of being able to hold my son I feel like i'm getting further from her... How do I manage the two? I feel that way with everyone around me too ..once my son is born everyone is going to forget all about her and think that that's the end and closes this chapter .. My fear is everyone is going to forget all about Micah..And as long as I keep pulling off these one liners like I did yesterday and trying to 'Fit in' she will be gone...forever

22 weeks 2 days and hanging in there

I don't' have a lot of things to say that can go together to create a decent post .. I have been wanting to post an update but I don't' really know if it's an actual update I need to post rather then some scattered thoughts

Firstly the baby is alive he has a strong heartbeat and is moving and hiccuping all the time.. he gave me a scare on Easter Saturday where I didn't feel him for the entire day and I thought I was going to have to go running screaming to the hospital but just when I got to the point of panic there is was moving around like the the energizer bunny but then I got scared because I was afraid he was moving to much ... it's a no win really

I'm finding the time is going so fast i can hardly keep up and it's scaring the shit out of me ... I want the time to go by but at the same time the closer I get to the end is the more tense I'm becoming. I wish I could go into some kind of deep sleep and wake up when it's all over .. I'm really scared. I'm afraid not knowing what really happened to Micah is taking it's toll on me and breaking my sanity

A girlfriend of mine called and told me that there has been a buzz about throwing me a baby shower...'What the fuck'!! Ummmmm NO baby showers please!!! What the hell are people thinking?? That's it!! they're not thinking .. I made it beyond clear to her that I would appreciate if everyone would give up on the idea of throwing me a baby shower.. I'll throw my own 'meet and greet' or 'Live baby shower' when he's born alive in my arms and I have something to party about

The boy toy and I were laying in bed the other day and he mentioned he found a stroller and car seat that he really liked .. 'it was on sale until next Sunday and he was thinking of picking it up'. It's one of the only items we didn't get a chance to buy .. we had plans to get it the weekend Micah passed a way (Ironic) needless to say I squashed, smashed and demolished that idea ...

I'm just not ready for all of this 'buying and preparing stuff' not just yet .. I'm almost with the mind to just borrow a car seat to bring him home and buy one for him after ..you know? I don't want to mess with anything, maybe if I just keep doing what I'm doing, prepare nothing and pretend nothing is happening then the angel of death will passover my house and he'll be okay and I'll get to bring him home.. for Gods sake!! am I asking for too much here??

It's a boy! ... and i'm an Asshole

I am happy .. I repeat this to myself everyday and one day maybe it will actually be true. But truth be told I'm very unhappy, I’m unhappy with my relationship, I’m unhappy with my family, I’m unhappy with me. We found out we are having a boy last Tuesday and for more than a split second I wasn't completely thrilled about it. I feel very ashamed of myself to write that with everything that is going on in this world of deadbabyland .. Very ashamed. I have to admit since the day I gave birth to Micah all I have dreamt about are baby girls..my baby girls. Now I’m having a boy and in that moment that I found out I was slightly disappointed and unfortunately that will be something else that I will add to my very long list of things to feel guilty about for the rest of my life, because the list of guilt and blame is just not long enough already ...Right

I spoke to the boytoys mom tonight and before I came off the phone I asked her if she heard the news (she hadn't) He didn't even tell his mom and he's known for a week ... Her response?

'But I don't want a boy..We are down a girl'...

REALLY! If she didn't tell me I would have NEVER known we were 'down' aka 'missing' a baby girl... It's comments like that that make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside don't it?

We are all a bunch of ungrateful assholes

Update Time..

Sorry it's been a bit ..I have been poking around but haven't been in the mood to post but this morning I thought it was due time for an update...

I have had two ultrasounds..one from hell and one that was god sent.. The first was @ 8 weeks I was so nervous I thought I was going to throw up.. Dr Evil proceeded to do measurements and then told me she had to find a Dr to speak to me (Weird) She left the room with my paperwork and I laid on the table stunned..'Is this happening to me again' 'Was once not enough'...over and over my mind was exploding. Then she comes back and says ' Sorry I wasn't able to find a doctor, you can get dressed now'. Me-'Hold on a minute here! Is everything okay?' Dr Evil-' You'll have to wait and speak to your doctor in five business days' Me-'Five Freaking business days? Are you nuts? Don't I get to see my baby? Dr Evil- Of Course (applies more gel and places wade) See? There’s baby's heartbeat (shuts off screen) ME- 'Look lady you're starting to piss me off I didn't get a chance to see anything' Dr Evil- 'you need to wait to speak with your doctor'... I gave her the look of death left the room ran into the washroom and cried my eyes out on the washroom floor. I thought for sure this pregnancy was over.. After sobbing to my doctor over the phone from the foyer of Dr Evil's office I knew by morning that everything was okay..Needless to say I have boycotted that ultrasound center .. Bitch!

My second was Tuesday passed @12 weeks 2 days... First I got to meet my new OB for the first time and I really like her.. She is just willing to go above and beyond and willing to let me call the shots if that's whets going to reassure me and put me somewhat at ease.. I had the NT scan booked right after seeing her, which was on the same floor of the medical center. Again very nervous overwhelming feelings of nausea especially since my last experience was such a joy.. As soon as I laid down she gelled me turned the screen to me and said 'Here is your healthy baby, here is the heartbeat, hands, fingers etc... Talk about God Sent. NT Scan is normal but they did find a small hemorrhage on the placenta near where it attaches to the uterus that they think is from the placenta claiming its territory sort of speak so I have another ultrasound on the next visit in four weeks to make sure it's cleared itself up ... they told me not to worry (Yeah right) I'm a db mom I’m going to worry regardless of what they say.

I'll be 13 weeks tomorrow, the first trimester finally over. And what a stressful trimester it was. I'm not what you would call a complete basket case but I’m a close runner up. Emotionally I’m not the best.. Between my thoughts and these vivid dreams I'm having all the time I’m going to go insane. I'm unsure of what I’m feeling right now really.. It's a bit of a feeling mix. It's a mix of short-lived happiness and dare I say a tiny amount of anticipation as I await whatever bomb is going to blow my life apart AND I think of Micah..... I hurt for her, I cry for her, I’m sad for her...I want her. Don't get me wrong I want this baby too... I should be having another baby but I should have Micah my 16 month old too. We should be getting her prepared for a little brother or sister and wondering where the hell we're going to put her big girl bed when the baby out grows the bassinette and stressing about having to buy diapers for two and God knows whatever else ...but she’s not here for it and it's just so sad that she's not ..

For a bout a month now I have been wondering what the hell I was going to say to my dad.. Every time I spoke to my mother she would ask 'Did you tell your father'?... and my response 'Hell No'!.. My dad just has old-fashioned views when it comes to this type of thing and overall just doesn't get it.. I love him but he's just ignorant and I wouldn't dare put him in the same room with any of you. He has been known to say some really stupid stuff (StupidMan) and then I bite off his head.. I have a framed picture of Micah in my living room along with the rest of the kids and he once told me I needed to put her picture in my bedroom because it makes people uncomfortable (him of course) and I said we'll if it makes them feel uncomfortable then they can leave my house and they'll no longer be welcome here because if it comes down to me choosing my child or them... No matter who they are they'll lose. I'm not trying to hide the fact that I had a dead baby girl and her name was Micah and I don't want anyone to forget that she existed and is very much a part of this family and deserves to be up there in a frame just as much as the rest of the kids...It shut him right up.. So last night I called and told him the news and of course I got 'stupidman’.. DAD-'don't you and the boytoy know about contraceptives' (pronounced it completely wrong) ME-'What did you just say to me'? DAD-'Oh never mind, I just thought you were going to get married first' ME-' Dad I’m a thritysomthing year old grown a$$ woman you don't need to worry about that' DAD-'Sigh' So there's nothing wrong with you' ME-'sigh' No dad the doctors don't know what happened to Micah' DAD-'Who?' ME-'The baby dad..Your granddaughter that passed'.... OH GOD HELP US ALL!! He ended up coming by later he said because he was in the area and he brought my favorite food then he had a couple of beer and screamed at the TV while watching curling (don't ask) ... I love my dad and I know he means well.

A few weeks ago I got together with my 'Dear Friend' She is my friend I mentioned on my blog back in June who had complications during labor that so sadly resulted in her losing her daughter Waverly ...Well she and her husband are expecting again too and we're only a week a part.. We have been such a strong support to each other during everything now we get to be there thru this scary but exciting time with each other... I’m thankful for that and I’m so thankful for her

So far....

When I imagined being pregnant again, this pregnancy after loss I figured I would have a detachment. That I would go on with my life as normal walking around pretending there wasn't life growing inside me making only a few adjustments like no alcohol and cutting off the occasional cigarette. Not thinking about my future with this baby and taking months to get the very least..excited .. But I have come to realize that the moment I saw the positive test I instantly fell in love... and I can't help but think about this life in me every minute of everyday and think about everything I eat and do and how it will affect this life ..

I find myself reading up on all the things that can go wrong with pregnancy. Stillbirth being a mere mention because there are hundreds of issues that can go wrong... The thing that bothers me is that all of the statistics percentages are low and they use words like 'unlikely' to happen or very 'rare'...and this is very scary to me because I happen to know for a fact that I’m not alone and all of you exist..

We have been staggering our announcement.. I have let some of my close friends know and we told his mom and my mom but I haven't told anyone at work or the rest of my family... I liked it better when it was just me and the boytoys little secret. The feeling that I failed everyone when I lost Micah hasn't been resolved for me, and every time we tell someone else I feel this added pressure... What if I don't get a happy ending?? I know it's negative thinking but I can't help but think it.. And I know everyone else is thinking the same thing too

I'm 8 weeks and 3 days today

I thank you all for your encouragement and support... Here's wishing you all a very happy 2009. We all certainly deserve it