Well, today is December 31, 2009...New Years Eve. For some reason I have never been a huge fan of New Years Eve. I really don't know why, I guess it's because I don't get the hype and for the most part it just feels like any other ordinary day. Last year I didn't think New Years Eve was going to bother me at all. I mean really why should it, Shawn and I never really did anything special on that day. However, the closer to midnight it got the more and more anxiety I started to feel. As the seconds ticked closer to 2009 I was also getting closer and closer to saying goodbye to 2008, the last of the year that I got to spend with Shawn, the last year of 'us'. Once the clock struck mid-night and it was officially 2009, I was going to be starting an entire new year with just myself. 2009 was going to be the first year in 12 years where Shawn wasn't going to be with me, and that freaked the hell out of me. Last New Year's Eve brought many emotions that I really wasn't expecting. Over this last year lots of things have changed in my life and I've also figured more and more of 'me' out. As of this second (who knows how I will feel at 11:50 p.m tonight!) I'm not feeling the since of dread for 2010 that I was feeling for 2009. I think the only thing that is really going to bother me is now when I talk about Shawn's death, I will have to say he died two years ago, instead referring to it as last year. (not that it has officially been two years, but you know what I mean) It's just another odd little reminder that 'us' is slipping away and I'm continuing to move on and to live without him. On a happy note I'm kind of looking forward to what 2010 has to offer me and I'm ready to tackle it. I know I will still miss Shawn, I know I will still have hard days, but I'm also hoping that 2010 can be a year filled with more and more happiness for me as I continue to figure more of 'me' and my life out. Who knows...maybe in 2010 I will be able to say that I'm in love again. Huh, it's not looking too promising at this moment, but a girl can hope can't she?! Anyways, I do have a post that I wrote in my head about 2009 and in the next day or so I will share it with you. But for today I found this fun little 2009 questionnaire on Amy's blog at http://keepingupwiththeschultzfamily.blogspot.com so I figured I would keep you all in suspense for that post and answer these questions for you.
1. What did you do in 2009 that you’d never done before?
Uhm, just in case you didn't ready my last post...I got my first TATTOO!!! I know it's not really that big of a deal and people get tattoo's all the time. But for me it was a huge thing!! If you haven't read the story, scroll down and read my last post. I got a set of angel wings on my shoulder to represent Shawn and our baby. Oh, and for the first time in my life I bought a brand new 2009 car!! Geesh, and I got Bo!! Come to think about it 2009 was filled with lots of stuff for me that I had never done before!
2. Did you keep your new year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I didn't really make a resolution for last year, at that moment a resolution seemed like to daunting of a task when I was just figuring out how to live my life without Shawn. I knew I wanted to work on figuring more of 'me' out. I think I did a pretty good job of that in 2009. I'm expecting 2010 to bring more of the same, I still have more of myself that I need to get to know a bit better. The only real resolution that I will make for 2010 is to continue working out, going to the gym and eating healthier.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Oh gosh...I don't think so. Man, I hope I'm not missing something here. But as far as I can remember nobody close to me gave birth. However, one of my best friends Meg is pregnant right now!
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Our neighbor for my entire life Ruth died this fall.
5. What countries did you visit?
None, heck I don't even have a passport!
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
More joy and happiness. 2009 did bring me happiness and a lot of fun times. But I would like for that feeling to stick around more in 2010.
7. What dates from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
August 18, 2009 the one year anniversary of Shawn's death. I thought that day was going to be impossibly hard and in many ways it was. However, on that day I had so much love and support in my life it truly amazed me. Every single one of my friends called, many of them more than once or twice and all the coaches called me. I spent the day with friends and I also spent the day remembering the good times I had with Shawn. For the first time on that day, I was able to watch his tribute video, look at our wedding album and other pictures of Shawn without crying. It was a hard day, but a good day at the same time.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? Just getting through last year and all of the firsts without Shawn is a big enough achievement for me!
9. What was your biggest failure? Okay, this is probably going to sound really snotty of me, and I don't really mean it to. But, I don't really know if I failed at anything this year. 2009 was one of the hardest years of my life, but I chose to fight through all the pain and shit and continue to live my life. Every single day I got up and lived my life, did things I never did before, and everyday I figured more of me out...in my book that's not failing...that's living!
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? I had strep throat once but that is it!
11. What was the best thing you bought? Hands down...Bo!
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? Every single one of my friends for always being there for me and for sticking by my side whenever I needed them! I have the best friends ever!!
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? I was really getting sick and tired of the entire Jon and Kate thing!
14. Where did most of your money go? The mall!!! Hahah....really seriously, I did pay off huge amounts of credit card debt.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? Whenever I had a chance to go back down to Ohio and spend time with my friends. Also when I was able to go to Chicago and spend an entire week with Megan!
16. What song will always remind you of 2009? Oh gosh...I don't know. There were many songs last year that I liked and will remind me of 2009.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: (a) happier or sadder? (b) thinner or fatter? (c) richer or poorer?
I think I'm for sure happier. I've gained some weight back that I lost right after Shawn died, but I'm now at a much healthier weight and plus I've got muscle now and as far as being richer or poor...I think I'm much richer in my life now than I was last year, but I'm not talking about money, I'm talking about things that are way more important in your life other than money!
18. What do you wish you’d done more of? Spending more time outside when it was nice out.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of? Maybe less complaining about my life. But then again, I think that was a process I had to go through as well.
20. How did you spend Christmas? At home with my family, it was very laid back, but very nice as well.
21. Did you fall in love in 2009? Nope, not unless something magical happens in the next 12 hours!!
22. What was your favorite TV program? I'm a huge sucker for reality TV...Loved Dancing with the Stars!
23. Do you hate anyone now that you did not hate this time last year? I try hard not to hate anyone. Although I'd be lying if I told you there weren't a few people that I strongly dislike or get very irritated with!
24. What was the best book you read? The Time Traveler's Wife.
25. What was your greatest musical discovery? The Kings of Leon. Love them!!
26. What did you want and get? I wanted a dog, a new car and a tattoo. And guess what...I got all of them!
27. What did you want and not get? Hahaha...that's a hard question
28. What was your favorite film of this year? Hands down...The Blind Side!! and I went to the movies A LOT this year!
29. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? I turned 32 and I honestly can't tell you what I did, because I honestly don't even remember! Wow..that's bad!
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Too not to have had to go through all the grief and misery that I went through in 2008/2009! But I had no choice, so, I went with it, lived through it, and learned from it.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009? I personally think I'm pretty fashionable. In 2009 I stepped out of the box a bit and wore outfits and colors that I have never worn before.
32. What kept you sane?My friends, family, Bo and praying!
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? I'm about totally in love with looking at Shemar Moore from Criminal Minds. I mean seriously...can he be any hotter??!!
34. What political issue stirred you the most? It's probably bad for me to say this, but I don't usually get upset about much dealing with politics.
35. Who did you miss? Shawn!
36. Who was the best new person you met? I've met several new people in 2009. Recently two 'old' friends of mine that have been gone from my life have reappeared and that is wonderful. People really do come into your life when you need them the most!
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009. Love like you have never loved before and cherish what you have because in a blink of an eye it can all be gone.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I don't know if this quote sums up my year or not but on a friends facebook page he has this quote and I really like it and I think it has lots of meaning in it. "To this world you may be one small person, but to one small person you may be the world!!"
I know this got really really long...shocking I know on my blog!! Thank you to each of you for reading and I hope you have a happy, safe, healthy, and blessed 2010!!
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
Holy Cow Look What I Did!!!
In college I wanted a tattoo really, really bad. I went two different times to get one and both times the place was closed. With that I figured fate was playing a role and it just was not meant to be. As time went on I was actually glad that I didn't get one when I was in school. I would hate to wake up one day when I'm 70 and regret getting something tattooed on my body that didn't have any meaning to me and that I had just gotten on a whim because I was young and stupid.
However, after Shawn died I thought lots and lots about getting a tattoo in honor of him. I just really wasn't sure what I wanted. I wanted a tattoo to be about Shawn, but at the same time I didn't want it to 'scream' Shawn either. I kind of wanted it to be a design that meant Shawn to me, but nobody else would really know. Then after I saw the Medium and after she made the comment about the baby and Shawn being my angels I knew exactly what I wanted.
Since I have no artistic ability I had a friend draw up a picture of a pair of angel wings. The drawing was almost 100% what I wanted. The only thing missing was a few little wispy aspects that I wanted placed on the wings. I have had the drawing for some time now, but really didn't do anything about finding a good tattoo artist. Enter my cousin. A few weeks ago my cousin had one of her tattoo's fixed and she went to a local artist here in town. She called me and told me that he was a super great guy and did amazing work. I then looked at her tattoo and was amazed at how he fixed an "artistic error" of somebody else. I knew then that I wanted him to do my tattoo. So last week I made an appointment to finally get my tattoo... a tattoo to memorialize Shawn, our baby, and a huge part of my past, a tattoo that would have significant meaning to me, even when I'm 70 years old.
About a half hour before my appointment I started to get a little nervous. I wasn't nervous at all to get the tattoo. I'm not going to lie...I was nervous as all get out for the pain. I've never been big on pain and I'm actually a big ole whimp! I was scared!! I'm not a big sweater unless I'm working out and I was so nervous I had wet spots on my shirt. Nice huh!! Nothing hotter than a lady sweating like a pig because she is so nervous. Anyhow, John the tattoo artist was amazing and he was so nice...almost gentle with me, but in a tough tattoo guy kinda way. I climbed up into the chair and he placed the stencil on my shoulder. The placement was perfect and exactly where I wanted it. Then he started and asked me if I was ready. I'm telling you I was so tense my muscles were actually shaking. He told me that if I just relaxed it really wouldn't be all that bad. Sure it won't!!! I bet that's what he tells everyone before he starts poking them over and over again with a huge needle. I actually was very pleasantly shocked....it really didn't hurt all that much. I mean yeah, there was pain, but nothing like I was expecting there to be. I for sure was thinking that it was going to be the worst pain of my entire life, but it really wasn't. The time's I've hurt my back were far worse pain than this. To me getting my tattoo was more of an irritating type of pain. Kind of like getting slapped with a rubber band a few times in a row, it was more of a burn than anything else. It was over before I knew it. After about 12 minutes he told me to get up and to look in the mirror. What?! I was done so fast!! I couldn't believe it was over already. I got up looked in the mirror and loved what I saw. It was exactly what I wanted. I was so happy to know have another part of Shawn and our baby always with me. After looking at it more once I got home I realized I may want the outline to be a bit thicker. He told me I could come back anytime I wanted and he could thicken it up for me. Since I was knew to tattooing he wanted to give me a softer look first. (I thought that was really nice of him)
I decided to only get black, white and grey. I didn't want there to be any flashy color. I wanted it to be simple and soft. As it heals the red that appears in the picture will fade and it will be just nice grey shading.
Are you ready for some pictures?
The artist's name was John and he was so nice. He knew I was a tattoo virgin and told me he would be "extra careful".
Ok...I know I look like I'm in lots of pain in this picture, but I'm really not. Really no idea why I have such a death grip on the chair!
This picture was taken immediately after the tattoo was finished.
This was taken about an hour after I had been home.
Same time frame, just in different light. Again, as it heals the red will fade.
However, after Shawn died I thought lots and lots about getting a tattoo in honor of him. I just really wasn't sure what I wanted. I wanted a tattoo to be about Shawn, but at the same time I didn't want it to 'scream' Shawn either. I kind of wanted it to be a design that meant Shawn to me, but nobody else would really know. Then after I saw the Medium and after she made the comment about the baby and Shawn being my angels I knew exactly what I wanted.
Since I have no artistic ability I had a friend draw up a picture of a pair of angel wings. The drawing was almost 100% what I wanted. The only thing missing was a few little wispy aspects that I wanted placed on the wings. I have had the drawing for some time now, but really didn't do anything about finding a good tattoo artist. Enter my cousin. A few weeks ago my cousin had one of her tattoo's fixed and she went to a local artist here in town. She called me and told me that he was a super great guy and did amazing work. I then looked at her tattoo and was amazed at how he fixed an "artistic error" of somebody else. I knew then that I wanted him to do my tattoo. So last week I made an appointment to finally get my tattoo... a tattoo to memorialize Shawn, our baby, and a huge part of my past, a tattoo that would have significant meaning to me, even when I'm 70 years old.
About a half hour before my appointment I started to get a little nervous. I wasn't nervous at all to get the tattoo. I'm not going to lie...I was nervous as all get out for the pain. I've never been big on pain and I'm actually a big ole whimp! I was scared!! I'm not a big sweater unless I'm working out and I was so nervous I had wet spots on my shirt. Nice huh!! Nothing hotter than a lady sweating like a pig because she is so nervous. Anyhow, John the tattoo artist was amazing and he was so nice...almost gentle with me, but in a tough tattoo guy kinda way. I climbed up into the chair and he placed the stencil on my shoulder. The placement was perfect and exactly where I wanted it. Then he started and asked me if I was ready. I'm telling you I was so tense my muscles were actually shaking. He told me that if I just relaxed it really wouldn't be all that bad. Sure it won't!!! I bet that's what he tells everyone before he starts poking them over and over again with a huge needle. I actually was very pleasantly shocked....it really didn't hurt all that much. I mean yeah, there was pain, but nothing like I was expecting there to be. I for sure was thinking that it was going to be the worst pain of my entire life, but it really wasn't. The time's I've hurt my back were far worse pain than this. To me getting my tattoo was more of an irritating type of pain. Kind of like getting slapped with a rubber band a few times in a row, it was more of a burn than anything else. It was over before I knew it. After about 12 minutes he told me to get up and to look in the mirror. What?! I was done so fast!! I couldn't believe it was over already. I got up looked in the mirror and loved what I saw. It was exactly what I wanted. I was so happy to know have another part of Shawn and our baby always with me. After looking at it more once I got home I realized I may want the outline to be a bit thicker. He told me I could come back anytime I wanted and he could thicken it up for me. Since I was knew to tattooing he wanted to give me a softer look first. (I thought that was really nice of him)
I decided to only get black, white and grey. I didn't want there to be any flashy color. I wanted it to be simple and soft. As it heals the red that appears in the picture will fade and it will be just nice grey shading.
Are you ready for some pictures?
The artist's name was John and he was so nice. He knew I was a tattoo virgin and told me he would be "extra careful".
Ok...I know I look like I'm in lots of pain in this picture, but I'm really not. Really no idea why I have such a death grip on the chair! 
This picture was taken immediately after the tattoo was finished.
This was taken about an hour after I had been home.
Same time frame, just in different light. Again, as it heals the red will fade.I'm so happy with my choice not only to get my tattoo, but with the design as well. I know that Shawn and our baby are always with me and are always watching over me. But now with my tattoo, they really are with me, will always be and nobody can take that away from me.
Holy Shit!! I got a tattoo today....yeah, I'm a rock star!!! (hahahah yeah right!)
Friday, December 25, 2009
Merry Christmas To You
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!
Today I'm going to share with you my Christmas letter that went out in my Christmas cards this year.(if you got a card from me, without a letter...this is why...I figured I would save paper and you could read it here)
Today I'm going to share with you my Christmas letter that went out in my Christmas cards this year.(if you got a card from me, without a letter...this is why...I figured I would save paper and you could read it here)Dear Friends,
I hope this Christmas card finds you and your family happy and healthy this holiday season. It seems as though I have so much to share with you but so little space on the page. I will do my best to fill you in on what I have been up to since last year.
I am happy to report that I am doing well. A few weeks ago while at the mall I ran into somebody that I had not seen since Shawn's funeral. She asked me how I was doing and for the first time since Shawn's death I was able to reply with , "I'm doing good." Instead of, "I'm doing okay." Don't get me wrong I've had many good days and good stretches of days this past year, but it really hasn't been until the last few months that I have really started to feel "good" again. I still miss Shawn more than anything and wish every single day that he was here with me. However, the happiness is starting to return to my life. Little things are making me smile and laugh once again. I'm also making new memories for myself as I'm living my "new life." I'm learning more and more about myself every single day. During the last 16 months I've learned that I'm a much stronger person that I ever thought possible. That strength is something that Shawn instilled in me and I'm grateful for that gift that he gave me. I'm also starting to once again look forward to my future instead of dreading it.
In April I realized that I was starting to get "bored" sitting at home, but also knew I wasn't ready to return to work. Instead I decided to hit the gym. I have been working out around three to five days a week. I have found that I really enjoy working out. Yes, I said...love to work out! If I miss more than a day or two in a row I'm finding I really don't like how I feel. Working out has been a huge stress relief for me, not to mention what it has done for my energy. I'm probably in the best shape of my entire life and that feels good! I'm also strongly considering going back to school next fall for either personal training or massage therapy. That's how good working out makes me feel. I think it would be amazing to share that with somebody else! Shawn always wanted me to either become a trainer or a massage therapist. So I figured that would be a great way to honor him as well. I will keep you posted on what path I choose. Who knows, maybe I will decide on both!
I have not yet returned to "work" I've looked, there just aren't any jobs. In July I started babysitting for a friend. It was only going to be one day a week, but has turned into around three. For right now it's a good fit and it's working rather well for me. As you know I love being around kids so it has been fun getting to be around children once again.
My dog Bo is awesome. I've said before that I really do love him more than I should. He has been a great distraction and form of support to me. Bo however has a TON of allergies. (I swear only I would get a dog with major allergy problems!) We have been to the vet every four weeks since May! They can't find out what he is allergic to because he has been on to many different types of allergy medicine. Currently, I'm making his dog food and that seems to be helping. (Yes, I said making his dog food...as in from scratch) Hopefully within the next few weeks we can get the testing done and find out what the little guy is allergic to.
Okay, I'm running out of room and I'm sure you are all bored to tears reading all this. Thank you for your continued support and love throughout this last year. It has been the hardest 16 months of my life...but I'm going to make it.
Love,
Jenny
Remember last year when I did a UofM tree in honor of Shawn? Well, I've decided to make this a new tradition and did one again this year.
I was soooo happy when I found this ornament. It is a UofM hat. Shawn never went anywhere without a hat on his head, especially one of his many UofM hat's. So when I found it I grabbed it as fast as I could.
Here is the tree all decorated. It has a few blue snowflakes on it, but it is mainly decorated in UofM balls, candy canes, the helmet, several block M's and of course the new Hat. We were even able to find UofM garland to wrap around the tree. It has clear and yellow lights. (The blue and gold lights was just plain ugly!) I think it turned out great and I know Shawn would love it!!Wednesday, December 23, 2009
"Even for your Husband?" and Simple Things
Well, tomorrow is Christmas Eve. I can not believe that this is already my second Christmas without Shawn. It just doesn't seem possible to me, how can it already be two Christmas's without him? Probably the same way it is going to be a year and a half since his death in just two very short months. A year and a half, it really blows my mind to think that! I remember everything about August 18, 2008, the day Shawn died and that day feels just like yesterday, so how can it be 16 months already and Christmas number two without him?! Is the saying true..."time fly's when you are having fun"? Huh...I think NOT!!
On Christmas day I will be posting my Christmas letter for you all to read. In that letter it says that the last several months I have been doing really good. And I have, really. I've been going out, laughing, talking to a few different guys (yes, I said guys as in more than one...more on that in another post), the last few months the fun has started to return to my life and for the first time since Shawn died I have started to feel 'good'. That feeling has felt amazing and I was waiting patiently for the 'good' feeling to return. It's a different 'good' than before, but 'good' none the less. I have also been kind of looking forward to Christmas this year as well, which was much different than last year. I'm still not all gung-ho for Christmas Eve or for Christmas, but I'm a bit more excited than last year, so I guess that is a step in the right direction.
However, Monday and today two things happened that made my stomach instantly sink and I was left with that uneasy, this still sucks feeling all day long. Sometimes it's the simple things that makes me miss Shawn more than anything, More often that not it's the simple things like ordering new checks for the first time without his name on them that will send me into a river of tears. Over the last 16 months I've made it through tons of simple things and I've learned to control the tears and only cry when I want to cry, but I still haven't figured out how to get rid of that sinking sick feeling in my stomach when a simple thing occurs, maybe that comes with more time. Or then again, maybe that feeling never goes away.
Monday I was walking out of the gym with two of the guys that work out the same time I do. One of them actual knew Shawn when they were little kids and used to play ball together in middle school. He and I talk all the time and he knows about Shawn. The other guy is just a nice older gentleman that talks to everybody and is super friendly. Anyways, the three of us were walking out talking about our Christmas plans and about last minute shopping that we each needed. I proudly announced that I had been done with my shopping for a few weeks now and that all I needed to do was wrap the gifts. The older man stopped, looked at me and said, "You mean to tell me you even have all the gifts for your husband bought already?" Insert sinking stomach feeling right there. I just stood there and didn't really say anything. I wanted to say, "Well, no, not everything I will go Christmas Day to get fresh flowers to put on his grave.", but I didn't. Luckily, the other guy quickly jumped in and made a smart ass comment about forgetting to get his wife a gift. We then walked out to the parking lot and he told me that he was sorry that the other guy made that comment. I told him it was fine, really there was no way of him knowing that Shawn passed away and that I'm a widow. I mean it's not like I have the word, "widow" tattooed across my forehead. I really was fine. It was a simple question, made my a friendly guy who meant no harm. At that moment it really didn't bother me, but then as the day went on and I thought about it, his comment started to suck more and more. Yeah, I wish like hell I could buy Shawn something for Christmas, I wish like hell, that HE could be here for Christmas and that I could see, touch, talk, hold him, and kiss him once again, but I can't. Sometimes, it's the simple things that make me miss Shawn more than anything.
Last Christmas unless a card was addressed to me I didn't read or even look at one Christmas card. No way did I want to see a happy person or a happy family in their yearly Christmas card, so I just decided not to read them. Well, this year things are different. I feel happier and I really want to be happy once again so I've been reading the cards as they come in and I've been fine, well, until this morning. This morning I came down to the family room and noticed there was a card hanging up that I did not see the day before so I opened it up and it said, "Dave, Beth, Jen, Katie, Matt and Erika" I'm not sure why but for some reason reading all of our names without seeing Shawn's name in the listed with the rest of the family took my breath away. Literally, could not breath for a second. Wait, yes I do know why...even though I'm happier and want to be happy it still SUCKS that Shawn isn't here and it is exceptionally hard this time of year. Once again the person who addressed the card meant to harm and they did nothing wrong but once again sometimes it's the simple things like not seeing Shawn's name on a Christmas card that makes me miss him.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, Shawn's favorite day of the whole entire year. He always told me that he loved Christmas Eve more than Christmas Day. He loved spending time with both of our families. We used to ping pong back and forth for two straight days spending equal time with both sides of our family. Ever since I started dating Shawn we would go to his Grandma's house on Christmas Eve, every single family member is there and it's a little nuts, okay a lot nuts, but we always went. It was Shawn's thing and we went because he never wanted to disappoint his Grandma by not going.
Last year I went to Christmas Eve at Shawn's Grandma's house...alone. Not because I wanted too, because I didn't, not at all. But I went for Shawn, because that was his night and he loved it more than anything. At first I wasn't going to go this year. It's just not the same, at least not for me it isn't. I walk in and immediately everybody stares at me. Almost like they expect me to burst out into tears as I walk into the door. I've got news for them...I won't cry...ever in front of them! Everyone wants to know how I'm "doing" and they all look at me with this awful look of pity on their face. I can't stand it! So, I wasn't going to go this year, I figured why do that to myself. Then the more I thought about it I realized I "have to" go. Do I really want to go alone? No, not at all! I have to go because of Shawn, I can't and won't let him down by not going. I will suck it up and deal with the looks, the sitting alone at dinner, the only one there not as "family", the only one there without a person to love and share the night with. I will do it for Shawn and that is all I need to help me get through the night. He will be with me! Will it be the same....no....it will never be the same. I don't know if I will go to Christmas Eve in the future, it may get weird or weirder as time goes on. Especially if I meet somebody new, but for this year I will be going to Christmas Eve dinner and for the second year in a row I will be walking into Shawn's Grandma's house on Shawn's favorite night alone. That is not a simple thing, that is a big thing, and that makes me miss Shawn too.
So on this night before Christmas Eve I wish you all happiness and peace tomorrow and on Christmas Day. Enjoy your families, enjoy your children, please please please enjoy your husbands and enjoy the "simple things"
On Christmas day I will be posting my Christmas letter for you all to read. In that letter it says that the last several months I have been doing really good. And I have, really. I've been going out, laughing, talking to a few different guys (yes, I said guys as in more than one...more on that in another post), the last few months the fun has started to return to my life and for the first time since Shawn died I have started to feel 'good'. That feeling has felt amazing and I was waiting patiently for the 'good' feeling to return. It's a different 'good' than before, but 'good' none the less. I have also been kind of looking forward to Christmas this year as well, which was much different than last year. I'm still not all gung-ho for Christmas Eve or for Christmas, but I'm a bit more excited than last year, so I guess that is a step in the right direction.
However, Monday and today two things happened that made my stomach instantly sink and I was left with that uneasy, this still sucks feeling all day long. Sometimes it's the simple things that makes me miss Shawn more than anything, More often that not it's the simple things like ordering new checks for the first time without his name on them that will send me into a river of tears. Over the last 16 months I've made it through tons of simple things and I've learned to control the tears and only cry when I want to cry, but I still haven't figured out how to get rid of that sinking sick feeling in my stomach when a simple thing occurs, maybe that comes with more time. Or then again, maybe that feeling never goes away.
Monday I was walking out of the gym with two of the guys that work out the same time I do. One of them actual knew Shawn when they were little kids and used to play ball together in middle school. He and I talk all the time and he knows about Shawn. The other guy is just a nice older gentleman that talks to everybody and is super friendly. Anyways, the three of us were walking out talking about our Christmas plans and about last minute shopping that we each needed. I proudly announced that I had been done with my shopping for a few weeks now and that all I needed to do was wrap the gifts. The older man stopped, looked at me and said, "You mean to tell me you even have all the gifts for your husband bought already?" Insert sinking stomach feeling right there. I just stood there and didn't really say anything. I wanted to say, "Well, no, not everything I will go Christmas Day to get fresh flowers to put on his grave.", but I didn't. Luckily, the other guy quickly jumped in and made a smart ass comment about forgetting to get his wife a gift. We then walked out to the parking lot and he told me that he was sorry that the other guy made that comment. I told him it was fine, really there was no way of him knowing that Shawn passed away and that I'm a widow. I mean it's not like I have the word, "widow" tattooed across my forehead. I really was fine. It was a simple question, made my a friendly guy who meant no harm. At that moment it really didn't bother me, but then as the day went on and I thought about it, his comment started to suck more and more. Yeah, I wish like hell I could buy Shawn something for Christmas, I wish like hell, that HE could be here for Christmas and that I could see, touch, talk, hold him, and kiss him once again, but I can't. Sometimes, it's the simple things that make me miss Shawn more than anything.
Last Christmas unless a card was addressed to me I didn't read or even look at one Christmas card. No way did I want to see a happy person or a happy family in their yearly Christmas card, so I just decided not to read them. Well, this year things are different. I feel happier and I really want to be happy once again so I've been reading the cards as they come in and I've been fine, well, until this morning. This morning I came down to the family room and noticed there was a card hanging up that I did not see the day before so I opened it up and it said, "Dave, Beth, Jen, Katie, Matt and Erika" I'm not sure why but for some reason reading all of our names without seeing Shawn's name in the listed with the rest of the family took my breath away. Literally, could not breath for a second. Wait, yes I do know why...even though I'm happier and want to be happy it still SUCKS that Shawn isn't here and it is exceptionally hard this time of year. Once again the person who addressed the card meant to harm and they did nothing wrong but once again sometimes it's the simple things like not seeing Shawn's name on a Christmas card that makes me miss him.
Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, Shawn's favorite day of the whole entire year. He always told me that he loved Christmas Eve more than Christmas Day. He loved spending time with both of our families. We used to ping pong back and forth for two straight days spending equal time with both sides of our family. Ever since I started dating Shawn we would go to his Grandma's house on Christmas Eve, every single family member is there and it's a little nuts, okay a lot nuts, but we always went. It was Shawn's thing and we went because he never wanted to disappoint his Grandma by not going.
Last year I went to Christmas Eve at Shawn's Grandma's house...alone. Not because I wanted too, because I didn't, not at all. But I went for Shawn, because that was his night and he loved it more than anything. At first I wasn't going to go this year. It's just not the same, at least not for me it isn't. I walk in and immediately everybody stares at me. Almost like they expect me to burst out into tears as I walk into the door. I've got news for them...I won't cry...ever in front of them! Everyone wants to know how I'm "doing" and they all look at me with this awful look of pity on their face. I can't stand it! So, I wasn't going to go this year, I figured why do that to myself. Then the more I thought about it I realized I "have to" go. Do I really want to go alone? No, not at all! I have to go because of Shawn, I can't and won't let him down by not going. I will suck it up and deal with the looks, the sitting alone at dinner, the only one there not as "family", the only one there without a person to love and share the night with. I will do it for Shawn and that is all I need to help me get through the night. He will be with me! Will it be the same....no....it will never be the same. I don't know if I will go to Christmas Eve in the future, it may get weird or weirder as time goes on. Especially if I meet somebody new, but for this year I will be going to Christmas Eve dinner and for the second year in a row I will be walking into Shawn's Grandma's house on Shawn's favorite night alone. That is not a simple thing, that is a big thing, and that makes me miss Shawn too.
So on this night before Christmas Eve I wish you all happiness and peace tomorrow and on Christmas Day. Enjoy your families, enjoy your children, please please please enjoy your husbands and enjoy the "simple things"
Monday, December 21, 2009
Oh My Oh So Yummy!!
Phew it has been a busy few days. I'm so sorry for not updating my blog all that much since NaBloPoMo finished up. It's a good thing that doesn't occur in the month of December because I would never be able to keep up. I have a few other things I want to write about this week and then I promise after Christmas is over I will be back to updating on a regular basis. Also sorry for my lack of comments on your blogs. However, I have been keeping up on reading all of your blogs.
Tomorrow I'm going to a Christmas Party with the girls in my "support group" We are each supposed to bring a dish to pass and since I love to bake I said I would bring the desert. Originally, I was going to bake homemade peppermint cheese cake. At the last minute I changed my mind and decided to make homemade peppermint brownies instead. Since it seems like we are all looking for new recipes during this time of year I thought I'd share it with you all. I thought each bite of peppermint cheesecake goodness tasted like a little bit of Heaven. So...so...yummy!! The best part was they were really east to make, here is what you do...
Peppermint Cheesecake Brownies
Cheesecake batter:
See seriously easy to make. I think even if you weren't an 'experienced baker" you would be able to make these. Once the brownies were out of the oven and cooled a bit I added my own special touch. Have you all seen these yummy candy canes in the stores?
If not you should really go on a hunt for them. They are the Hershey's Mint Chocolate Candy Canes. I mean really...what could be better than a chocolate mint flavored candy cane? So after the brownies had cooled I decided to crunch up a box of these yummy treats to sprinkle on top of the brownies. I personally think it added a yummy touch.
Just a small little sample for you!
Now for a bigger taste! Oh yeah, I tasted them and they are so so yummy!!!
Go ahead and try them for yourself!
Tomorrow I'm going to a Christmas Party with the girls in my "support group" We are each supposed to bring a dish to pass and since I love to bake I said I would bring the desert. Originally, I was going to bake homemade peppermint cheese cake. At the last minute I changed my mind and decided to make homemade peppermint brownies instead. Since it seems like we are all looking for new recipes during this time of year I thought I'd share it with you all. I thought each bite of peppermint cheesecake goodness tasted like a little bit of Heaven. So...so...yummy!! The best part was they were really east to make, here is what you do...
Peppermint Cheesecake Brownies
Cheesecake batter:
- 1 (8-ounce) block 1/3-less-fat cream cheese
- 1/3 cup granulated sugar
- 1/4 teaspoon peppermint extract
- 1 large egg
- 1 large egg white
- 1 tablespoon all-purpose flour
- 4.5 ounces all-purpose flour (about 1 cup)
- 1/2 cup unsweetened cocoa
- 1/2 teaspoon salt
- 1 1/2 cups packed brown sugar
- 1/4 cup canola oil
- 1/4 cup buttermilk
- 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
- 2 large egg whites
- 1 large egg
- Cooking spray
1. Preheat oven to 350°.
2. To prepare cheesecake batter, place cheese in a medium bowl; beat with a mixer at medium speed until smooth. Add granulated sugar and peppermint extract; beat well. Add 1 egg and 1 egg white; beat well. Add 1 tablespoon flour; beat mixture just until blended.
3. To prepare brownie batter, weigh or lightly spoon 4.5 ounces (about 1 cup) flour into a dry measuring cup; level with a knife. Combine 4.5 ounces flour, cocoa, and salt in a medium bowl, stirring with a whisk. Combine brown sugar, oil, buttermilk, vanilla, 2 egg whites, and 1 egg in a large bowl; beat with a mixer at medium-high speed until well blended. Add flour mixture to brown sugar mixture; beat at low speed just until blended.
4. Reserve 1/2 cup of brownie batter. Pour remaining batter into a 9-inch square baking pan coated with cooking spray. Carefully pour cheesecake batter over top; spread evenly to edges. Dot cheesecake batter with reserved brownie batter. Swirl top two layers of batters together using the tip of a knife. Bake at 350° for 26 minutes or until top is set. Cool completely in pan on a wire rack.
If not you should really go on a hunt for them. They are the Hershey's Mint Chocolate Candy Canes. I mean really...what could be better than a chocolate mint flavored candy cane? So after the brownies had cooled I decided to crunch up a box of these yummy treats to sprinkle on top of the brownies. I personally think it added a yummy touch.
Just a small little sample for you!
Now for a bigger taste! Oh yeah, I tasted them and they are so so yummy!!!Go ahead and try them for yourself!
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
So Much FUN!!
I had such a great trip to Youngstown I can't even tell you!! (but I'm going to try...it will be long) I had so much FUN!! It was so great to be able to get away for a while and hang out with two of my best friends and their families. I was going to leave Michigan on Thursday, but the stupid winter weather struck so I couldn't leave until Friday morning, but then I decided to stay until Monday so I guess in the long run it all evened out.
I love being able to get into my car and go. I think and talk, and talk and think some more. For the majority of the drive going to Ohio I talked to my other best friend Meg. Then after I got off the phone with her I just drove and thought about more stuff. It's amazing what you can think of and about when you are alone in your car for five hours.
I arrived in Youngstown a little after 1:00. Typically, I head right to Jennie's house, but this time I switched things around and spent time with Lora her husband Chris and their little boy Luca. (I have known Luca since he was eight weeks old, the two of us have a very special relationship) I got there right as Chris was leaving to go to work. We hugged in the driveway and said, "See ya later!" The rest of the day and night was spent with Lora and Luca. The last time I was in Ohio, I didn't get to see Lora so it was great to be able to spend time with her. We had such a great night!! The three of us went out for dinner, did a little shopping, took Luca for a haircut, came home, went in the hot tub, chilled out, and of course talked and laughed!! I don't think the two of us have laughed that hard in a long time. We laughed until we cried, and then we talked and laughed some more! It was so...much...fun!! A little before mid-night Chris got home and then the three of us sat and just talked. I don't think we went to bed until right around 2:30 in the morning.
Jennie, Lora and I have been friends for about three years. As you know we met when I moved to Youngstown, we all worked together at the same Childcare Center. However, the day Shawn died our relationship immediately changed. The three of us got so much closer. Another amazing thing that happened is the relationships that I now have with the two Chris's. (Both Jennie's fiancee and Lora's husband are named Chris) The three of us knew each other before Shawn died and if I called either Jennie or Lora and one of the Chris's answered sure we talked and said "Hi" but that was about it. Last year when I started going for visits my relationship with both Chris's also changed and changed for the better. I can't really explain it but I have such a great relationship now with both of them. I also know that the two Chris's are watching out for me and I know I could call them if I ever needed anything! We all joke that when I come to down that each of the Chris's have two wives. Sure we are all friends, but more than anything now it is like we are one big family and let me tell you it is GREAT!!
Saturday was our Christmas party at Lora's house. Lora had to work Saturday morning so her Chris and I took it upon ourselves to get the house picked up and ready. Lora was in her office on a conference call, but Chris and I joked that she was really just sitting in her office because she knew that the two of us were doing the housework. We talked and cleaned, and talked some more with lots of playing with Luca in between. Again, simple things, but a great time!
Around 4:00 p.m Jennie, her Chris and their three boys got to Lora's house. As soon as Jennie got there the party was under way!! We had an AWESOME time!!!! I mean it rocked!!! We had lots of yummy food, a phew yummy drinks, and a great group of people to have a great time with. The Chris's hung out in the garage, while Jennie, Lora, I and the boys were partying like rock stars inside. Oh speaking of rock stars...we played rock band and it was lots of fun. However, little Miss Jennie gets rather competitive when she plays Rock Band. She kicked me out of the band, and I think Lora was well on her way too. Personally, I think Jennie plays rock band just a bit too much! After our Rock Band playing we decided it was time to open up Christmas gifts...FUN!!!
I got Lora and Jennie matching p.j's. Well ,the bottoms were different, but the tops were the same. Oh and I got them scarf's too. As soon as Jennie and Lora opened their gifts they ran to the bathroom and changed into their jammie's! I was so mad that I didn't buy myself a matching pair...what was I thinking?!?! I mean seriously! Even though I didn't have matching ones I still got into my jammie's and we all took a picture. Lora got me a scarf too, so the three of were in our jammie's with our scarfs....
I love this picture of us!
We decided I needed to be in the middle to break up some of pinkness. I think another good picture.
For Christmas this year I got each of the boys a stuffed animal with a matching blanket. Lora got each of the boys matching jammie's too. Kinda funny if you think about it, I got Lora and Jennie matching jammie's, Lora got the boys matching jammie's and then I got all the boys matching blankets. We were on the same wave length on that one. Great minds think alike.
Devin, Nuby, Payton, and Luca in the chair with their matching jammie's, and blankets. Just adorable! I love those four little boys so much!!
This next picture is of all of us right before we got ready to go back to Jennie's house for the night.
I mean seriously why didn't I get matching jammie's for me?!
Here is a picture of Luca and his Woody doll that I got for him. He is loving Toy Story right now!
I love being able to get into my car and go. I think and talk, and talk and think some more. For the majority of the drive going to Ohio I talked to my other best friend Meg. Then after I got off the phone with her I just drove and thought about more stuff. It's amazing what you can think of and about when you are alone in your car for five hours.
I arrived in Youngstown a little after 1:00. Typically, I head right to Jennie's house, but this time I switched things around and spent time with Lora her husband Chris and their little boy Luca. (I have known Luca since he was eight weeks old, the two of us have a very special relationship) I got there right as Chris was leaving to go to work. We hugged in the driveway and said, "See ya later!" The rest of the day and night was spent with Lora and Luca. The last time I was in Ohio, I didn't get to see Lora so it was great to be able to spend time with her. We had such a great night!! The three of us went out for dinner, did a little shopping, took Luca for a haircut, came home, went in the hot tub, chilled out, and of course talked and laughed!! I don't think the two of us have laughed that hard in a long time. We laughed until we cried, and then we talked and laughed some more! It was so...much...fun!! A little before mid-night Chris got home and then the three of us sat and just talked. I don't think we went to bed until right around 2:30 in the morning.
Jennie, Lora and I have been friends for about three years. As you know we met when I moved to Youngstown, we all worked together at the same Childcare Center. However, the day Shawn died our relationship immediately changed. The three of us got so much closer. Another amazing thing that happened is the relationships that I now have with the two Chris's. (Both Jennie's fiancee and Lora's husband are named Chris) The three of us knew each other before Shawn died and if I called either Jennie or Lora and one of the Chris's answered sure we talked and said "Hi" but that was about it. Last year when I started going for visits my relationship with both Chris's also changed and changed for the better. I can't really explain it but I have such a great relationship now with both of them. I also know that the two Chris's are watching out for me and I know I could call them if I ever needed anything! We all joke that when I come to down that each of the Chris's have two wives. Sure we are all friends, but more than anything now it is like we are one big family and let me tell you it is GREAT!!
Saturday was our Christmas party at Lora's house. Lora had to work Saturday morning so her Chris and I took it upon ourselves to get the house picked up and ready. Lora was in her office on a conference call, but Chris and I joked that she was really just sitting in her office because she knew that the two of us were doing the housework. We talked and cleaned, and talked some more with lots of playing with Luca in between. Again, simple things, but a great time!
Around 4:00 p.m Jennie, her Chris and their three boys got to Lora's house. As soon as Jennie got there the party was under way!! We had an AWESOME time!!!! I mean it rocked!!! We had lots of yummy food, a phew yummy drinks, and a great group of people to have a great time with. The Chris's hung out in the garage, while Jennie, Lora, I and the boys were partying like rock stars inside. Oh speaking of rock stars...we played rock band and it was lots of fun. However, little Miss Jennie gets rather competitive when she plays Rock Band. She kicked me out of the band, and I think Lora was well on her way too. Personally, I think Jennie plays rock band just a bit too much! After our Rock Band playing we decided it was time to open up Christmas gifts...FUN!!!
I got Lora and Jennie matching p.j's. Well ,the bottoms were different, but the tops were the same. Oh and I got them scarf's too. As soon as Jennie and Lora opened their gifts they ran to the bathroom and changed into their jammie's! I was so mad that I didn't buy myself a matching pair...what was I thinking?!?! I mean seriously! Even though I didn't have matching ones I still got into my jammie's and we all took a picture. Lora got me a scarf too, so the three of were in our jammie's with our scarfs....
I love this picture of us!
We decided I needed to be in the middle to break up some of pinkness. I think another good picture.For Christmas this year I got each of the boys a stuffed animal with a matching blanket. Lora got each of the boys matching jammie's too. Kinda funny if you think about it, I got Lora and Jennie matching jammie's, Lora got the boys matching jammie's and then I got all the boys matching blankets. We were on the same wave length on that one. Great minds think alike.
Devin, Nuby, Payton, and Luca in the chair with their matching jammie's, and blankets. Just adorable! I love those four little boys so much!!This next picture is of all of us right before we got ready to go back to Jennie's house for the night.
I mean seriously why didn't I get matching jammie's for me?!
Here is a picture of Luca and his Woody doll that I got for him. He is loving Toy Story right now!Saturday night I headed to Jennie's for the rest of the weekend. We got home and put the boys to bed then Jennie, Chris and I snuggled up on the couch to watch a movie. Well, I take that back Chris bailed on us, so Jennie and I watched our movie. Jennie loves, and I don't mean a little love, I mean totally 100% LOVES the movie Rent. So....she got each Lora and I our own copy for part of our Christmas gift. I'm not the type of person who really likes watching musicals...but I will tell you that I LOVED it!! Rent was such an awesome movie and Jennie was cracking me the hell up watching it. She was grinning ear to ear the entire time! Since then I have been singing the sound track in my head. Saturday was another long night and Jennie and I didn't go to bed until really late.
Sunday is Jennie's day to sleep in and boy did she sleep, until right around 11:00! I woke up around 9:00 and snuggled on the couch with Jennie's three boys. Lora got the movie Up for part of their Christmas gift so the four of us snuggled up on the couch and watched that movie. It was such a good movie, although a little on the sad side. Chris even joined us on the couch as well! Once Jennie woke up we all got dressed and ready to go for the day. However, we really went nowhere and we all just sat on the couch watching The Disney Channel. Again, great family time! Sadly, Jennie had to go to work for a few hours on Sunday night. While she gone I went out to dinner with two of the coaches that I'm still close too. Then I went back to Jennie's house and Chris and I just hung out and went to visit Jennie at work since their boys were at their Grandmas. It was kinda nice just to be able to hang out with Chris for a while, the two of us had a good conversation. Then we put the boys to bed and Jennie was home soon after that. The rest of the night Jennie, Chris and I sat in the living room and watched various shows on TLC. Yup, that's what the three of us do...watch interesting shows on TLC...gotta love it!
I also had two special moments with each Jennie and Lora as well. We have all talked on different occasions about what happned the day Shawn passed away. They have each told me things that they remember or that stick out in their minds. Once again on Friday night Lora and I were talking about it and she shared with me some of her memories and things she was feeling that day. Sunday afternoon Jennie and I got to talking and we talked about that day. Jennie was with me in the small room when the Dr. came in and told me the news. We have talked about this time before, but once again we talked about those moments immediately afte we got the news about Shawn. I'm so blessed to have had both Jennie and Lora with me that day. They were great friends and never left my side the entire day. It probably sounds odd to say, but I'm glad that the three of us can talk about that day 16 months later. I'm thinking that we will all remember the events of that day for a long time.
Then on Monday morning I got up, told everybody good bye and kinda sad liked got in my car and headed back to Michigan. I always hate leaving them. I hate a great weekend and it was wonderful to be able to celebrate Christmas with Jennie, Lora and the entire crew. I love you guys!!
I will leave you of my favorite picture taken during the weekend....Jenny and Luca!
Thursday, December 10, 2009
I Feel Like I Need To Ramble A Bit
I have so many thoughts running through my head right now I'm having trouble wrapping my own thoughts around them. I'm telling you this has been a week of about every emotion known to man. This week I have been happy, I've been sad, really happy, and really sad. I've been in a good mood and then two hours later in a bad mood. I've gone to bed smiling and happy, and I've gone to bed sad and crying. I've woke up happy and have woken up sad. I'm not exactly sure what my problem is but I'm telling you, I'm sick of it for this week! Sick, sick, sick of it!! So for this post I think I'm just going to ramble out some of my thoughts and see if that helps.
*Winter is here and I don't like it. Not one bit!! Sure the first snowfall is pretty but other than that I think winter, snow and the cold is highly overrated. I mean really, now that there is snow on the roads we have to start worrying about idiot drivers who have no idea how to drive in the snow. I can no longer take Bo outside in just a 'light" jacket, it's full on winter coat, socks and mittens. Yes, it is that cold her in Michigan today. There is no more jumping into the car and leaving, but the go out and start your car 20 minutes before you have to go someplace to get all the damn frost off the windshield. I just don't like being cold and I can't stand bundling up in a million layers to do something outside. I'm 100% a shorts, tank top and flip flop type of lady. Anybody have a count on how many days until spring? (Come on RN Mama, I know you know!)
*I know I said this last year, but I'm going to say it again this year. ENOUGH already with the stupid Kay Jewelery commercials!! Wouldn't it be just wonderful if each of us could open up a diamond tennis bracelet from our husband on Christmas morning or get engaged on a warm sunny looking park bench? I'm a sap, I love watching romance movies and reading romance books, I love a good happy ending, but those commercials drive me wild!
*So far so good on the Bo front. For now his allergies have been doing okay. If he can make it one more week he can get the allergy testing done. (Damn it, I hope I just didn't jinx it!)
*I thought I had it all figured out what I wanted to go back to school for. I really really thought that I wanted to go back for massage therapy, but now I'm not sure. On Monday I was at the gym having the best workout and blowing off steam at the same time. While I was lifting I thought to myself how much I really do enjoy working out. It makes me feel so much better about myself, not to mention what it has done for my body. I was thinking that it would be so awesome to become a personal trainer and help other people feel that way too. I mean I could be the next Jillian Michaels from the Biggest Loser. NOT!!! Damn, she is way to mean!! So now I'm torn once again. Do I start school in the fall for massage therapy, or do I go for personal training. Just an FYI for you all. When I first started school I was originally going for personal training. (Shawn thought it would be something I would be good at, but I wasn't feeling it so I switched)
*I'm leaving in the morning for Youngstown!! I'm was going to go down today, but once again the stupid snow ruined that. I'm going down to spend the weekend with Jennie, Lora, the four boys and their husbands. We are going to have our annual Christmas party on Saturday. I can't wait to get down there and have fun with them!! I'm sure as always I will take lots of pictures. I also have to try and meet up with the coaching staff to tell them all good bye as well. It will be so different not seeing them anymore when I go down there.
See, I'm telling you, I have lots of stuff running around in my little head and what I posted here isn't even half of it. I hate when I can't shut off my brain!
Okay, sorry if this post was all bitching and me being crabby I didn't intend for it to be that way, it just kind of happened. I do however, feel a bit better. Thanks for letting me get it off of my chest.
I'm now off to Yoga. Breath in, breath out....relax!
*Winter is here and I don't like it. Not one bit!! Sure the first snowfall is pretty but other than that I think winter, snow and the cold is highly overrated. I mean really, now that there is snow on the roads we have to start worrying about idiot drivers who have no idea how to drive in the snow. I can no longer take Bo outside in just a 'light" jacket, it's full on winter coat, socks and mittens. Yes, it is that cold her in Michigan today. There is no more jumping into the car and leaving, but the go out and start your car 20 minutes before you have to go someplace to get all the damn frost off the windshield. I just don't like being cold and I can't stand bundling up in a million layers to do something outside. I'm 100% a shorts, tank top and flip flop type of lady. Anybody have a count on how many days until spring? (Come on RN Mama, I know you know!)
*I know I said this last year, but I'm going to say it again this year. ENOUGH already with the stupid Kay Jewelery commercials!! Wouldn't it be just wonderful if each of us could open up a diamond tennis bracelet from our husband on Christmas morning or get engaged on a warm sunny looking park bench? I'm a sap, I love watching romance movies and reading romance books, I love a good happy ending, but those commercials drive me wild!
*So far so good on the Bo front. For now his allergies have been doing okay. If he can make it one more week he can get the allergy testing done. (Damn it, I hope I just didn't jinx it!)
*I thought I had it all figured out what I wanted to go back to school for. I really really thought that I wanted to go back for massage therapy, but now I'm not sure. On Monday I was at the gym having the best workout and blowing off steam at the same time. While I was lifting I thought to myself how much I really do enjoy working out. It makes me feel so much better about myself, not to mention what it has done for my body. I was thinking that it would be so awesome to become a personal trainer and help other people feel that way too. I mean I could be the next Jillian Michaels from the Biggest Loser. NOT!!! Damn, she is way to mean!! So now I'm torn once again. Do I start school in the fall for massage therapy, or do I go for personal training. Just an FYI for you all. When I first started school I was originally going for personal training. (Shawn thought it would be something I would be good at, but I wasn't feeling it so I switched)
*I'm leaving in the morning for Youngstown!! I'm was going to go down today, but once again the stupid snow ruined that. I'm going down to spend the weekend with Jennie, Lora, the four boys and their husbands. We are going to have our annual Christmas party on Saturday. I can't wait to get down there and have fun with them!! I'm sure as always I will take lots of pictures. I also have to try and meet up with the coaching staff to tell them all good bye as well. It will be so different not seeing them anymore when I go down there.
See, I'm telling you, I have lots of stuff running around in my little head and what I posted here isn't even half of it. I hate when I can't shut off my brain!
Okay, sorry if this post was all bitching and me being crabby I didn't intend for it to be that way, it just kind of happened. I do however, feel a bit better. Thanks for letting me get it off of my chest.
I'm now off to Yoga. Breath in, breath out....relax!
Monday, November 30, 2009
#30 out of 30-Shawn's Video Tribute
Today is the last day of NaBloPoMo. Phew!!! I have successfully posted for 30 days in a row!!! Trust me when I tell you posting for 30 days straight is a lot harder than it sounds.
I personally think today's post is the best. I think I have saved the best for last...Shawn's Video Tribute. As I told you all before this was the video that was playing at his funeral. I have wanted to share this with you all for some time. I however lacked the technical skills to do so. Since my brother was here this weekend he worked on it all day Friday, (I mean all day) and finally got it to work! Let me tell you, it was a tricky process. So thanks to Matt, I can share this with you all now!
Most of the pictures were picked out my his mom, I added a few of the pictures that I had. I however picked the music to go with the pictures. My favorite picture on the entire video is the back and white picture of Shawn standing between two trees when he was about three years old. I think that may be my favorite picture of him ever. I picked the theme song from The West Wing, that was the series that Shawn and I watched totally last summer. We watched all eight seasons, but the last four episodes. I still need to finish watching those for us. Then I picked one of Shawn's favorite Brooks and Dunn songs, "Neon Moon". I also picked "Amazed" by Lonestar, a song that was played during our wedding and of course it wouldn't be a tribute to Shawn without having the UofM fight song.
When I saw this at the funeral home, I just sat there watching it over and over again, bawling the entire time. The day after his funeral was the last day that I had watched it until the one year anniversary. On that day I was able to watch it with yes tears in my eyes, but also was able to remember the good times as well. I also watched it this year on Shawn's birthday. I was able to watch it without crying and with a smile on my face. Although, I still get huge goosebumps when I hear the opening notes of the West Wing theme song.
The video is kind of long at 13 minutes. However, if you would like and have time, I want each of you to watch it. You have only heard about Shawn and have never really seen him. This would be a great way for you all to "get to know him just a little bit". Just remember to turn on the volume on your computer. Since I don't have to post tomorrow I'm going to take a little blogging break and leave this post up. (Don't worry, I'm only going to take a break for like a day or two!)
So here finally is Shawn's video tribute-oh, his birth date is wrong. It is supposed to be November 21, not the 31.
Enjoy!
I personally think today's post is the best. I think I have saved the best for last...Shawn's Video Tribute. As I told you all before this was the video that was playing at his funeral. I have wanted to share this with you all for some time. I however lacked the technical skills to do so. Since my brother was here this weekend he worked on it all day Friday, (I mean all day) and finally got it to work! Let me tell you, it was a tricky process. So thanks to Matt, I can share this with you all now!
Most of the pictures were picked out my his mom, I added a few of the pictures that I had. I however picked the music to go with the pictures. My favorite picture on the entire video is the back and white picture of Shawn standing between two trees when he was about three years old. I think that may be my favorite picture of him ever. I picked the theme song from The West Wing, that was the series that Shawn and I watched totally last summer. We watched all eight seasons, but the last four episodes. I still need to finish watching those for us. Then I picked one of Shawn's favorite Brooks and Dunn songs, "Neon Moon". I also picked "Amazed" by Lonestar, a song that was played during our wedding and of course it wouldn't be a tribute to Shawn without having the UofM fight song.
When I saw this at the funeral home, I just sat there watching it over and over again, bawling the entire time. The day after his funeral was the last day that I had watched it until the one year anniversary. On that day I was able to watch it with yes tears in my eyes, but also was able to remember the good times as well. I also watched it this year on Shawn's birthday. I was able to watch it without crying and with a smile on my face. Although, I still get huge goosebumps when I hear the opening notes of the West Wing theme song.
The video is kind of long at 13 minutes. However, if you would like and have time, I want each of you to watch it. You have only heard about Shawn and have never really seen him. This would be a great way for you all to "get to know him just a little bit". Just remember to turn on the volume on your computer. Since I don't have to post tomorrow I'm going to take a little blogging break and leave this post up. (Don't worry, I'm only going to take a break for like a day or two!)
So here finally is Shawn's video tribute-oh, his birth date is wrong. It is supposed to be November 21, not the 31.
Enjoy!
Sunday, November 29, 2009
The Blind Side #29
Last Saturday I was all excited to go to the movies and see The Blind Side. I knew after watching the previews on TV I wanted to go see this movie and I thought going on Shawn's birthday would be a great way to spend my night. Well, just as we were about to pull up to the theater my friend called and said that it was sold out. BIG BUMMER!!! I was so disappointed, I was really looking forward to seeing it. Finally tonight, my sister, "N" (one of the ladies from my group), her friend, and her daughter all went to see it.
I can't not begin to tell you how good this movie is. It is really, really, really good. I'm not just saying that because it is about college football. The Blind Side is a real life, touching, feel good,leave happy movie about Michael Oher, who is now a professional football player. However, Michael would not have gotten this chance had it not been for the intervention of the Touhy family during his Senior year in high school. The movie is about Michael's interaction with the entire family, but especially the relationship between Leigh Anne Touhy. Here is gist of the story from one of the movie sights I like to look at from time to time:
"The Blind Side" depicts the story of Michael Oher, a homeless African-American youngster from a broken home, taken in by the Touhys, a well-to-do white family who help him fulfill his potential. At the same time, Oher's presence in the Touhys' lives leads them to some insightful self-discoveries of their own. Living in his new environment, the teen faces a completely different set of challenges to overcome. As a football player and student, Oher works hard and, with the help of his coaches and adopted family, becomes an All-American offensive left tackle."
This movie is about so much more that "just" football. It is about family, love within a family, working hard and finding out about yourself in the process of helping and loving another person who is in desperate need of care and love. I'm telling you it is a great movie!
I love Sandra Bullock, I think she is a great actress who can act in a variety of movies from romantic comedy to thrillers. However, in my opinion I think The Blind Side is her best movie yet. I really think that Sandra Bullock could possibly win an award for her role as Leigh Anne Touhy. She did an amazing job! Also, for those of you who like country music, Tim McGraw plays her husband and I thought did a decent job acting for a country singer.
The Blind Side was heartwarming, touching, funny, feel good movie. There were definite tears on the edge of your eye lid moments throughout the entire movie, but those moments are quickly followed by something funny. The ending is great, although sad, but a really happy sad. Yes, I did cry at the end, but I will assure you I was not the only person wiping my eyes. This is a movie that I would see again in the theater and one that I will for sure be buying when it comes out on DVD.
If you haven't seen it, you really should. You won't regret it!
**Stay tuned for tomorrows post. I'm saving the best post for last as a way to end NaBloPoMo!
I can't not begin to tell you how good this movie is. It is really, really, really good. I'm not just saying that because it is about college football. The Blind Side is a real life, touching, feel good,leave happy movie about Michael Oher, who is now a professional football player. However, Michael would not have gotten this chance had it not been for the intervention of the Touhy family during his Senior year in high school. The movie is about Michael's interaction with the entire family, but especially the relationship between Leigh Anne Touhy. Here is gist of the story from one of the movie sights I like to look at from time to time:"The Blind Side" depicts the story of Michael Oher, a homeless African-American youngster from a broken home, taken in by the Touhys, a well-to-do white family who help him fulfill his potential. At the same time, Oher's presence in the Touhys' lives leads them to some insightful self-discoveries of their own. Living in his new environment, the teen faces a completely different set of challenges to overcome. As a football player and student, Oher works hard and, with the help of his coaches and adopted family, becomes an All-American offensive left tackle."
This movie is about so much more that "just" football. It is about family, love within a family, working hard and finding out about yourself in the process of helping and loving another person who is in desperate need of care and love. I'm telling you it is a great movie!
I love Sandra Bullock, I think she is a great actress who can act in a variety of movies from romantic comedy to thrillers. However, in my opinion I think The Blind Side is her best movie yet. I really think that Sandra Bullock could possibly win an award for her role as Leigh Anne Touhy. She did an amazing job! Also, for those of you who like country music, Tim McGraw plays her husband and I thought did a decent job acting for a country singer.
The Blind Side was heartwarming, touching, funny, feel good movie. There were definite tears on the edge of your eye lid moments throughout the entire movie, but those moments are quickly followed by something funny. The ending is great, although sad, but a really happy sad. Yes, I did cry at the end, but I will assure you I was not the only person wiping my eyes. This is a movie that I would see again in the theater and one that I will for sure be buying when it comes out on DVD.
If you haven't seen it, you really should. You won't regret it!
**Stay tuned for tomorrows post. I'm saving the best post for last as a way to end NaBloPoMo!
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Board Game Fun #28
Alright who likes playing board games? Anyone? I thought I would dedicate this post to board game fun. Since my Brother and his Fiancee Erika have been home this weekend we have played board games almost every night. It has actually been a lot of fun sitting around the table playing games. I don't think I have played board games since last winter at Jennie's house. Here are a few of my favorite games.
1. Blokus:
"Blokus is an abstract strategy game with transparent, Tetris-shaped, colored pieces that players are trying to play onto the board. The only caveat to placing a piece is that it may not lie adjacent to your other pieces, but instead must be placed touching at least one corner of your pieces already on the board." For people like me who have problems with uhm, spatial relations this game can be a little challenging. However, as soon as you get the hang of it Blokus is a lot of fun.
2. Blurt:
This game ROCKS!! "Players attempt to be the first to move their pawn all the way around the board. Each turn a reader will read the actual definition to a word as found in a children's dictionary (so they're simple). The first player/team to correctly blurt out the word that fits the definition gets to move their pawn forward the number of spaces rolled on the die. There is no penalty for guessing incorrectly, so things tend to get a bit raucous!
The player to the reader's left becomes the new reader and a new round begins. If a pawn land on certain spaces or the same space as an opponent, a "one-on-one" contest is held just between those two players with the victor getting to stay on the spot and the loser having to move back to where the trailing player started.
"
1. Blokus:
"Blokus is an abstract strategy game with transparent, Tetris-shaped, colored pieces that players are trying to play onto the board. The only caveat to placing a piece is that it may not lie adjacent to your other pieces, but instead must be placed touching at least one corner of your pieces already on the board." For people like me who have problems with uhm, spatial relations this game can be a little challenging. However, as soon as you get the hang of it Blokus is a lot of fun.2. Blurt:
This game ROCKS!! "Players attempt to be the first to move their pawn all the way around the board. Each turn a reader will read the actual definition to a word as found in a children's dictionary (so they're simple). The first player/team to correctly blurt out the word that fits the definition gets to move their pawn forward the number of spaces rolled on the die. There is no penalty for guessing incorrectly, so things tend to get a bit raucous!The player to the reader's left becomes the new reader and a new round begins. If a pawn land on certain spaces or the same space as an opponent, a "one-on-one" contest is held just between those two players with the victor getting to stay on the spot and the loser having to move back to where the trailing player started.
"
I have only ever played this game at Jennie's house, and I think each time we all may have had a few drinks, probably making the game much more competitive than it really needs to be. However, it really is a fun game, especially with a group of people.
3. Hit or Miss
I played this game for the first time this weekend. I have to say I'm thinking this could be my new favorite game. "Sharpen your pencils -- and your intuition -- for this quick playing "think-in-sync" party game. Draw a category card and in 45 seconds, list as many related words that come to mind. When the timer runs out, roll the die -- if it lands on HIT, pick a word that you think everyone wrote; if it lands on MISS, pick one that only you wrote. Choose wisely and score big points. The player with the highest score wins. Hit or Miss -- the can't MISS game that will turn your next party into a HIT!"
This was another game that we played a few different times this weekend. "Select the card from your hand that you think is best described by a card played by the judge. If the judge picks your card, you win that round. And everyone gets a chance to be the judge! Each round is filled with surprising and outrageous comparisons from a wide range of people, places, things and events. Fast moving and refreshing, Apples to Apples is perfect for any get together with family and friends!" In Apples to Apples you really have to think outside of the box when placing your card down. The more abstract your answer is the funnier the game gets.
I played this game for the first time this weekend. I have to say I'm thinking this could be my new favorite game. "Sharpen your pencils -- and your intuition -- for this quick playing "think-in-sync" party game. Draw a category card and in 45 seconds, list as many related words that come to mind. When the timer runs out, roll the die -- if it lands on HIT, pick a word that you think everyone wrote; if it lands on MISS, pick one that only you wrote. Choose wisely and score big points. The player with the highest score wins. Hit or Miss -- the can't MISS game that will turn your next party into a HIT!"My Mom, Sister, Brother, and my brother's Fiancee Erika played this game over and over this weekend. It is really fun and a few of the categories can really stump you. It is also really fun to hear what the other players write down for each categorie.
4. Apples to Apples
This was another game that we played a few different times this weekend. "Select the card from your hand that you think is best described by a card played by the judge. If the judge picks your card, you win that round. And everyone gets a chance to be the judge! Each round is filled with surprising and outrageous comparisons from a wide range of people, places, things and events. Fast moving and refreshing, Apples to Apples is perfect for any get together with family and friends!" In Apples to Apples you really have to think outside of the box when placing your card down. The more abstract your answer is the funnier the game gets.If you haven't tried any of the above board games I really think you should. You will have a great night of fun and lots of laughs.
What is your favorite board game?
Friday, November 27, 2009
Black Friday Deals and Tribute Video News #27
How many of you went shopping today for Black Friday? Did anybody get any really really good deals?
There were a few things in yesterday's add's that I wanted to get. However, there was nothing great that warranted me getting out of bed at the crack of dawn. I don't know if there will ever be anything that would warrant me getting up at 4:00am to go to the mall. That to me is just a little nuts...and remember I love to shop, but come on people 4:00a.m?!
This morning my Mom, Sister and I decided that yes we would brave the crowds and hit the mall, Target, Bed Bath and Beyond and Kohl's. We left our house around 9:30 and were kind of thinking that by the time we would be to the mall it would be pure madness, but really it wasn't that bad at all. Heck, we even got a close parking spot. The two things that I really wanted at the one big department store was of course sold out by the time we got there. Oh-well, those were gifts that were just not meant to be then. I went on today's shopping trip only needing to buy one last gift, and that was something for Shawn's Grandma. I really didn't know what I wanted to get her. Then I rounded a corner and I saw it. All of a sudden I was staring at a huge collection of Willow Tree Angels, which I happen to love and collect myself. Much to my surprise they were on SALE for 40 % off!!! Willow Trees never go on sale. I found one that I liked and got that. At that moment my Christmas shopping was complete!!! I didn't need to buy anything the rest of the day...I was done shopping!!
Let me rephrase that statement, I thought I was done shopping until I went into another store and found this....
The Ruby Red CHI flat iron! I have been wanting a CHI flat iron for a very long time. I just was having a hard time justifying spending $100 or $145 on a flat iron. I think this is a ridiculous amount to spend on a flat iron, even if it is the best flat iron ever. I know these irons are much much better for your hair, especially on hair that needs to be straighted everyday. Hair such as mine. I thought for my birthday I would buy one and give it to myself as a gift, but I got feeling guilty so I didn't get it. Well today one of the beauty stores in the mall was having the mother of all sales on their CHI products! The Ruby Red flat iron usually sells for around $130-$140 depending on the store. Today it was on sale for less than $100.00, yes you read it right less than $100.00!! I was so excited!! Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas to me!! I just had to buy it, so I did! I can't wait to straighten my hair in the morning with it!
Really after the CHI purchase I was done shopping, I had nothing left to buy, so I didn't. I was a good girl and didn't not buy a thing. I mean it, I didn't even buy Starbucks, really don't know what I was thinking there. I mean who doesn't get at least one Starbucks while shopping on Black Friday?
A month before Christmas and I'm done shopping!! I don't think that has ever happened before. I'm actually kind of proud of myself and the best part of it is, I got every gift on sale, even before Black Friday! Yeah, I'm a pro!
Are you done shopping? Did you find any good deals out there today?
Okay, now for some good news about Shawn's Memorial DVD!! After working on it ALL day, and I mean literally all day, my brother finally got it to work. He had to do all this stuff, then make a Youtube video out of it. So on Monday I will be posting Shawn's video. I want to do it on Monday, because that is the last day of posting for NaBloPoMo. That way it will be my last post, and people can have a few days to look at it instead of there being a post the very next day. I'm glad Matt got this to work and I can't wait to share it with you. Stay tuned for Monday's post!!
There were a few things in yesterday's add's that I wanted to get. However, there was nothing great that warranted me getting out of bed at the crack of dawn. I don't know if there will ever be anything that would warrant me getting up at 4:00am to go to the mall. That to me is just a little nuts...and remember I love to shop, but come on people 4:00a.m?!
This morning my Mom, Sister and I decided that yes we would brave the crowds and hit the mall, Target, Bed Bath and Beyond and Kohl's. We left our house around 9:30 and were kind of thinking that by the time we would be to the mall it would be pure madness, but really it wasn't that bad at all. Heck, we even got a close parking spot. The two things that I really wanted at the one big department store was of course sold out by the time we got there. Oh-well, those were gifts that were just not meant to be then. I went on today's shopping trip only needing to buy one last gift, and that was something for Shawn's Grandma. I really didn't know what I wanted to get her. Then I rounded a corner and I saw it. All of a sudden I was staring at a huge collection of Willow Tree Angels, which I happen to love and collect myself. Much to my surprise they were on SALE for 40 % off!!! Willow Trees never go on sale. I found one that I liked and got that. At that moment my Christmas shopping was complete!!! I didn't need to buy anything the rest of the day...I was done shopping!!
Let me rephrase that statement, I thought I was done shopping until I went into another store and found this....
The Ruby Red CHI flat iron! I have been wanting a CHI flat iron for a very long time. I just was having a hard time justifying spending $100 or $145 on a flat iron. I think this is a ridiculous amount to spend on a flat iron, even if it is the best flat iron ever. I know these irons are much much better for your hair, especially on hair that needs to be straighted everyday. Hair such as mine. I thought for my birthday I would buy one and give it to myself as a gift, but I got feeling guilty so I didn't get it. Well today one of the beauty stores in the mall was having the mother of all sales on their CHI products! The Ruby Red flat iron usually sells for around $130-$140 depending on the store. Today it was on sale for less than $100.00, yes you read it right less than $100.00!! I was so excited!! Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas to me!! I just had to buy it, so I did! I can't wait to straighten my hair in the morning with it!Really after the CHI purchase I was done shopping, I had nothing left to buy, so I didn't. I was a good girl and didn't not buy a thing. I mean it, I didn't even buy Starbucks, really don't know what I was thinking there. I mean who doesn't get at least one Starbucks while shopping on Black Friday?
A month before Christmas and I'm done shopping!! I don't think that has ever happened before. I'm actually kind of proud of myself and the best part of it is, I got every gift on sale, even before Black Friday! Yeah, I'm a pro!
Are you done shopping? Did you find any good deals out there today?
Okay, now for some good news about Shawn's Memorial DVD!! After working on it ALL day, and I mean literally all day, my brother finally got it to work. He had to do all this stuff, then make a Youtube video out of it. So on Monday I will be posting Shawn's video. I want to do it on Monday, because that is the last day of posting for NaBloPoMo. That way it will be my last post, and people can have a few days to look at it instead of there being a post the very next day. I'm glad Matt got this to work and I can't wait to share it with you. Stay tuned for Monday's post!!
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Today I'm Thankful #26
Well today is Thanksgiving. Duh! Nothing like stating the obvious huh?
I woke up today thinking how could it be Thanksgiving already. It feels like just yesterday I was at Jennie's celebrating Fourth of July. Time sure does fly. To me anyways it just doesn't feel like Thanksgiving. I'm pretty sure I feel this way because Shawn isn't here. It just doesn't feel like the Holidays without him, it feels different. I don't know if other people feel like it, but I just feel like something is missing. Maybe I feel like this because I'm the only one that is 'alone'. I know I'm not alone and I know I have many many great friends and family that are with me, but again, it just doesn't feel the same. With that being said, I will tell you that this year I'm feel much better than I was last year. So that is a big plus. I am a little bit more excited this year for Christmas, but I'm not totally all the way yet...but I'm getting there, and that is all that counts.
So with today being Thanksgiving I thought I'd share with you a list of things I'm thankful for:
*Even though my life with Shawn came to a sudden stop I will always be thankful for the time that we had together. I'm thankful for the things in life that he taught me and I'm thankful for the memories that I have of us that now make me smile.
*I'm thankful for my family that has been so supportive to me over the last 15 months. I really don't know what I would have done with out them.
*My friends! I really have no idea what I would have done without my friends. They have been there through the worst of times and also the best. I love my friends more than anything and am so blessed to have them in my life.
*My blogging friends. You guys have been great and so supportive. I'm still amazed at the fact that I have received so much love and support from people I have never met.
*I'm also thankful that through my blog I have been able to help other widows. I have said from that start that I wanted to help other people in my same situation. Being a widow is something that nobody can prepare you for unless you have walked in the shoes. I'm so grateful I am able to help other widows reading my blog.
*I'm also thankful that I have touched some of you with my story. I'm so happy that after reading my blog, many of you have no changed your relationships with your husbands. Many of my readers have emailed me saying that because of what I have gone through you no longer take your relationship for granted. I'm so happy that my story has changed so many of your relationships.
*I'm thankful for the friends in my life who have appeared since Shawn's death. God really does send you people when you need them the most.
*I'm thankful for my little puppy Bo. I've said it before, but I probably love him more than I should.
*I will never ever be able to say I'm thankful for Shawn's death. I still don't understand why it happened and I probably never will. However, I am grateful and thankful for what I have learned about myself since Shawn's death. I have learned more about myself in the last 15 months than I ever did before. I have learned that I'm a much stronger person than I ever thought possible. I now know that I will be able to make it through most anything that life throws my way. I have learned that life is extremely short, and that you should not take things for granted. I have learned to try and find joy and happiness in the simple things that life has to offer and to love people in a way that I never loved before. I want Shawn to be back more than anything. But I'm thankful for the lessons that Shawn's life and death has taught me.
*I'm thankful that now 15 months later I now having more happy days than sad days. I'm thankful that I'm now looking forward to the rest of my future instead of dreading it.
I hope each and every one of you have an amazing blessed Thanksgiving and thank you each for your love and support.
I woke up today thinking how could it be Thanksgiving already. It feels like just yesterday I was at Jennie's celebrating Fourth of July. Time sure does fly. To me anyways it just doesn't feel like Thanksgiving. I'm pretty sure I feel this way because Shawn isn't here. It just doesn't feel like the Holidays without him, it feels different. I don't know if other people feel like it, but I just feel like something is missing. Maybe I feel like this because I'm the only one that is 'alone'. I know I'm not alone and I know I have many many great friends and family that are with me, but again, it just doesn't feel the same. With that being said, I will tell you that this year I'm feel much better than I was last year. So that is a big plus. I am a little bit more excited this year for Christmas, but I'm not totally all the way yet...but I'm getting there, and that is all that counts.
So with today being Thanksgiving I thought I'd share with you a list of things I'm thankful for:
*Even though my life with Shawn came to a sudden stop I will always be thankful for the time that we had together. I'm thankful for the things in life that he taught me and I'm thankful for the memories that I have of us that now make me smile.
*I'm thankful for my family that has been so supportive to me over the last 15 months. I really don't know what I would have done with out them.
*My friends! I really have no idea what I would have done without my friends. They have been there through the worst of times and also the best. I love my friends more than anything and am so blessed to have them in my life.
*My blogging friends. You guys have been great and so supportive. I'm still amazed at the fact that I have received so much love and support from people I have never met.
*I'm also thankful that through my blog I have been able to help other widows. I have said from that start that I wanted to help other people in my same situation. Being a widow is something that nobody can prepare you for unless you have walked in the shoes. I'm so grateful I am able to help other widows reading my blog.
*I'm also thankful that I have touched some of you with my story. I'm so happy that after reading my blog, many of you have no changed your relationships with your husbands. Many of my readers have emailed me saying that because of what I have gone through you no longer take your relationship for granted. I'm so happy that my story has changed so many of your relationships.
*I'm thankful for the friends in my life who have appeared since Shawn's death. God really does send you people when you need them the most.
*I'm thankful for my little puppy Bo. I've said it before, but I probably love him more than I should.
*I will never ever be able to say I'm thankful for Shawn's death. I still don't understand why it happened and I probably never will. However, I am grateful and thankful for what I have learned about myself since Shawn's death. I have learned more about myself in the last 15 months than I ever did before. I have learned that I'm a much stronger person than I ever thought possible. I now know that I will be able to make it through most anything that life throws my way. I have learned that life is extremely short, and that you should not take things for granted. I have learned to try and find joy and happiness in the simple things that life has to offer and to love people in a way that I never loved before. I want Shawn to be back more than anything. But I'm thankful for the lessons that Shawn's life and death has taught me.
*I'm thankful that now 15 months later I now having more happy days than sad days. I'm thankful that I'm now looking forward to the rest of my future instead of dreading it.
I hope each and every one of you have an amazing blessed Thanksgiving and thank you each for your love and support.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Should I or Shouldn't I? #25
I know Thanksgiving is tomorrow and I'm already working on a post in my head. If everything works out how I want I will post my Thanksgiving post sometime early in the day tomorrow. First, I have a question for you all.
I know I'm behind the craze here, ok, I'm guessing I'm way behind the craze. However, the last few days I've been thinking I want to try and read the entire Twilight Series. I keep seeing the previews for New Moon and I think it looks good, but I refuse to watch the movie before I read the book.
Right before Thanksgiving last year I read
I didn't think I was going to like it, I really just read it because of all the hype it was receiving. Much to my surprise I loved it. I think I read the entire book in about three days. I could not put it down. I stayed up two nights in a row to almost 3:00 reading it. In fact even before I was finished with Twilight I went out and bought
I was so excited to start reading the second book in the Twilight series. However, I had a problem. I tried and tried but I couldn't get past the first 100 pages of New Moon. It was just so darn boring. So I put it on my night stand and didn't really think much of it. Well, the last several weeks with all the hype around the New Moon movie I have started wondering if I should give this book another shot. What do you all think? Should I or shouldn't I? I've been told by a few different people that this book is by far the worst of the series, and that the last two are even better than Twilight was. For those of you who have read the books do you agree? A few people have told me that as soon as you get to the half way point in New Moon it does pick up the pace a little. So should I or shouldn't I give New Moon another chance?
I know I'm behind the craze here, ok, I'm guessing I'm way behind the craze. However, the last few days I've been thinking I want to try and read the entire Twilight Series. I keep seeing the previews for New Moon and I think it looks good, but I refuse to watch the movie before I read the book.
Right before Thanksgiving last year I read
I didn't think I was going to like it, I really just read it because of all the hype it was receiving. Much to my surprise I loved it. I think I read the entire book in about three days. I could not put it down. I stayed up two nights in a row to almost 3:00 reading it. In fact even before I was finished with Twilight I went out and bought
I was so excited to start reading the second book in the Twilight series. However, I had a problem. I tried and tried but I couldn't get past the first 100 pages of New Moon. It was just so darn boring. So I put it on my night stand and didn't really think much of it. Well, the last several weeks with all the hype around the New Moon movie I have started wondering if I should give this book another shot. What do you all think? Should I or shouldn't I? I've been told by a few different people that this book is by far the worst of the series, and that the last two are even better than Twilight was. For those of you who have read the books do you agree? A few people have told me that as soon as you get to the half way point in New Moon it does pick up the pace a little. So should I or shouldn't I give New Moon another chance?I'm leaning to yes. After all don't most things deserve a second chance? I have lots and lots of other books I could be reading, but something is telling me to give it a shot. Plus, last year after I loved Twilight so much I went out and bought
and 
So, I'm also thinking it would be a slight waste of money not to try reading New Moon again. I mean I do have the entire series, and each book gets better and better right?
and 
So, I'm also thinking it would be a slight waste of money not to try reading New Moon again. I mean I do have the entire series, and each book gets better and better right?So should I or shouldn't I give New Moon a second chance?
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
So Tired #24
I'm tired today, for some reason really tired. Oh wait I know why...I didn't sleep last night. I was so excited to go to bed early last night. I went up to my room, got in my pj's, messed around on Facebook for a few minutes, and then BAM out of nowhere around 11:00 I got a second wind. Figures on a morning I have to get up early I would be wide awake at night. I hate when that happens. So I was up till about 1:00 this morning, watching tv, reading, and trying to get tired. All I know is 1:3o was the last time I looked at the clock. Then at 4:50, one hour before I needed to wake up, well I was up and stayed up. No idea why, but boy was I irritated by the fact that I couldn't sleep. I babysat all day, picked up Bo from daycare only to find him a dirty muddy mess. I then came home gave him a bath, changed my clothes and went to dinner with all the girls in my "support group". I don't think I have sat down for more than 10 minutes all day. I'm home now, in comfy clothes sitting on the couch watching the season ending of Dancing With The Stars. Come on Kelly!!!! So, for tonights post I found a few cute pictures of sleepy little creatures, because well, I'm tired and just don't feel like writng much. 
One sleepy cute little girl.
This cracks me up. I bet the heater was a nice warm cozy place to fall asleep.
This to me doesn't look all that comfortable.
Bo sleeps like this sometimes too, makes me laugh.
I wonder what it would feel like to sleep in a tree like this?
I usually don't find squirels to be all that cute, but I like the expression on this guys face.
My personal favorite. I love that his little tongue is sticking out.
One sleepy cute little girl.
This cracks me up. I bet the heater was a nice warm cozy place to fall asleep.
This to me doesn't look all that comfortable.
Bo sleeps like this sometimes too, makes me laugh.
I wonder what it would feel like to sleep in a tree like this?
I usually don't find squirels to be all that cute, but I like the expression on this guys face.
My personal favorite. I love that his little tongue is sticking out.Good night everyone and sleep tight.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Another Big Change #23
I've never been a big fan of change. Matter of fact just thinking about a major change makes my tummy hurt and makes me all anxious feeling. I lived and am living through the biggest change in my life. The change of not living with Shawn, and not waking up and going to sleep with him every morning and night. I'm learning to live with that change. With Shawn's job as a college football coach change could happen at any second. Coaches interview for new jobs, get new jobs, resign from jobs, and get fired from jobs every single season. It's part of life as a college football coach. I didn't like it, but I knew it could happen at the end of every football season, and I learned to live with it. Well, yesterday I found out about another huge change.
Yesterday afternoon I received a phone call from one of the YSU coaches that I'm still really close with. He was calling to tell me that Coach H (the head coach at YSU) resigned as Head Coach earlier in the day. In a way I think everyone who was or is a fan of YSU football could see this coming. The last two years have been extremely hard on the entire team. First Shawn passed away, players got hurt, and players left the team very unexpectedly. Both last year and this year YSU had winning seasons, but just barely. For those of you who don't know or understand college football, just barely doesn't count. You need to WIN, and you need to WIN often. It's the politics of the game. Fans, press, and boosters don't often care if you are a 'good guy' or not. The last several weeks rumors and the media have been very hard on Coach H. I have not talked to Coach H, but I think he probably thought it was in the teams best interest if he stepped down as Head Coach.
In college football when the Head Coach steps down or is fired it usually means that the rest of the staff will also be let go as well. More times than not a new Head Coach wants his own team of coaches with him, not coaches from a previous staff. This has happened at YSU as well. So, for me this means another big change. The coaches, coaches wives and families that I have come to know and love while living in Youngstown and being part of the YSU football family will more than likely not be in Youngstown when I go and visit. When you coach college football the entire coaching staff and their families form into one big family. That was very true while I was at YSU. Wives become friends, you have to, you have to be there to support each other because being a college football coaches wife is hard and at times lonely.
There are several coaches on that staff that Shawn and I became immediate friends with. Those are the same group of coaches that have been huge and remained huge for me following Shawn's death. They are the group of coaches that all came to Shawn's funeral in a big charter bus. Five of those coaches were Pall Bearers for Shawn. Coach H spoke at Shawn's funeral and said the most amazing, sincere, heart felt things about Shawn. The YSU coaching staff wasn't just a bunch of coaches sitting in an office breaking down plays, they became family, we all became part of the YSU football family, for that, their love and support I will always be grateful.
It's going to be so different from now on when I go to Ohio. The majority of the time I spend with Jennie, Lora and their families and for that....thank God will not change. However, usually one or two nights while I was there I would go and hang out with the guys. We would go out to eat or hang at one of their apartments. We would talk, have a few drinks, watch football, talk 'shop', and of course share our memories of Shawn. That is what will be changing, and that breaks my heart. I know I will always keep in touch with the YSU staff, I know I will ALWAYS keep in touch with "my guys", but at the same time it is going to be so different not seeing them and spending time with them when I'm in town.
Also in a totally selfish way this change is hard on me for a few other reasons than just not being able to hang out with the guys. This may sound kind of silly, but every time I went to Youngstown and hung out with the guys in a way I still felt connected to college football. I still was able to feel the connection to the last and probably most important team that Shawn ever coached for. I still felt like I was part of the YSU family when I was with the guys, and that was an amazing feeling. The other thing that is getting me about this whole 'change' is the fact that the new coaching staff will no NOTHING about Shawn when they step foot into that stadium. They won't know what kind of husband he was, that his wife made the best damn chocolate chip cookies every Monday, what kind of coach he was, how he always worked his ass off for the team and more than anything when they look at Shawn's big tribute picture hanging in the video room they won't know that Shawn died after football practice doing a job that he loved to do. The coaching staff at YSU knew all of those things about Shawn, they worked all the time to keep Shawn's memory alive. The new staff won't know a thing about him, and well in a very selfish way that really makes me sad.
So this marks another change in my life. Yes, I will be fine, I am fine, and in the big picture of life this isn't nearly as hard as losing Shawn. I'm going to Ohio in a few weeks to celebrate Christmas early with Jennie, Lora and the kids. Most of the guys will still be there, so for the last time I will be seeing and spending time with them and their families. I will have one last chance to feel the love of The YSU football family. I will hold onto the memories of YSU, the staff, and our big coaching family just as I hold onto the memories of Shawn...in my heart.
Yesterday afternoon I received a phone call from one of the YSU coaches that I'm still really close with. He was calling to tell me that Coach H (the head coach at YSU) resigned as Head Coach earlier in the day. In a way I think everyone who was or is a fan of YSU football could see this coming. The last two years have been extremely hard on the entire team. First Shawn passed away, players got hurt, and players left the team very unexpectedly. Both last year and this year YSU had winning seasons, but just barely. For those of you who don't know or understand college football, just barely doesn't count. You need to WIN, and you need to WIN often. It's the politics of the game. Fans, press, and boosters don't often care if you are a 'good guy' or not. The last several weeks rumors and the media have been very hard on Coach H. I have not talked to Coach H, but I think he probably thought it was in the teams best interest if he stepped down as Head Coach.
In college football when the Head Coach steps down or is fired it usually means that the rest of the staff will also be let go as well. More times than not a new Head Coach wants his own team of coaches with him, not coaches from a previous staff. This has happened at YSU as well. So, for me this means another big change. The coaches, coaches wives and families that I have come to know and love while living in Youngstown and being part of the YSU football family will more than likely not be in Youngstown when I go and visit. When you coach college football the entire coaching staff and their families form into one big family. That was very true while I was at YSU. Wives become friends, you have to, you have to be there to support each other because being a college football coaches wife is hard and at times lonely.
There are several coaches on that staff that Shawn and I became immediate friends with. Those are the same group of coaches that have been huge and remained huge for me following Shawn's death. They are the group of coaches that all came to Shawn's funeral in a big charter bus. Five of those coaches were Pall Bearers for Shawn. Coach H spoke at Shawn's funeral and said the most amazing, sincere, heart felt things about Shawn. The YSU coaching staff wasn't just a bunch of coaches sitting in an office breaking down plays, they became family, we all became part of the YSU football family, for that, their love and support I will always be grateful.
It's going to be so different from now on when I go to Ohio. The majority of the time I spend with Jennie, Lora and their families and for that....thank God will not change. However, usually one or two nights while I was there I would go and hang out with the guys. We would go out to eat or hang at one of their apartments. We would talk, have a few drinks, watch football, talk 'shop', and of course share our memories of Shawn. That is what will be changing, and that breaks my heart. I know I will always keep in touch with the YSU staff, I know I will ALWAYS keep in touch with "my guys", but at the same time it is going to be so different not seeing them and spending time with them when I'm in town.
Also in a totally selfish way this change is hard on me for a few other reasons than just not being able to hang out with the guys. This may sound kind of silly, but every time I went to Youngstown and hung out with the guys in a way I still felt connected to college football. I still was able to feel the connection to the last and probably most important team that Shawn ever coached for. I still felt like I was part of the YSU family when I was with the guys, and that was an amazing feeling. The other thing that is getting me about this whole 'change' is the fact that the new coaching staff will no NOTHING about Shawn when they step foot into that stadium. They won't know what kind of husband he was, that his wife made the best damn chocolate chip cookies every Monday, what kind of coach he was, how he always worked his ass off for the team and more than anything when they look at Shawn's big tribute picture hanging in the video room they won't know that Shawn died after football practice doing a job that he loved to do. The coaching staff at YSU knew all of those things about Shawn, they worked all the time to keep Shawn's memory alive. The new staff won't know a thing about him, and well in a very selfish way that really makes me sad.
So this marks another change in my life. Yes, I will be fine, I am fine, and in the big picture of life this isn't nearly as hard as losing Shawn. I'm going to Ohio in a few weeks to celebrate Christmas early with Jennie, Lora and the kids. Most of the guys will still be there, so for the last time I will be seeing and spending time with them and their families. I will have one last chance to feel the love of The YSU football family. I will hold onto the memories of YSU, the staff, and our big coaching family just as I hold onto the memories of Shawn...in my heart.
Sunday, November 22, 2009
35 Silly Questions #22
Well friends, it's blog game time once again. I saw this over on Amy's blog http://www.keepingupwiththeschultzfamily.blogspot.com a few weeks ago and wanted to save it for a day during NaBloPoMo when I had little time for a 'real' post. Today happens to be the day. Feel free to use this on your blog as well.
Here are my answers to 35 silly questions...(that I'm sure nobody really cares about)
1. What color is your favorite hoodie? Navy Blue with white NMU lettering on it. NMU stands for Northern Michigan University, where Shawn and I went to college.
2. Do you plan outfits? Yeah you could say that. I don't lay my clothes out or anything like that, but at night before I go to sleep I do plan out what I'm going to wear the next day.
3. What’s the closest thing to you that's red? A box of Junior Mint Peppermint Crunch candies. Have you had these yet? Oh so yummy!!
4. Did you meet anybody new today? Nope I don't think so. But last week at Target I met a lady who came up to me and told me she reads my blog.
5. What are you craving right now? A fountain pop of regular Mountain Dew.
6. Do you floss? I used to every single day. Not so much anymore. Maybe once or twice a week.
7. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? My Cabbage Patch baby I named Carrie in the first grade.
8. Are you emotional? Me...emotional....nah! (yes, at times very)
9. Would you dance to the taco song? I don't know if I have ever heard the taco song.
But probably not, I'm not the greatest dancer
10. Have you ever counted to 1,000? I think so.
11. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? I lick it. If I bite ice cream it hurts my teeth.
12. Do you like your hair? Yup, love the cut. Just got new 'winter' highlights the other day.
13. Have you ever met a celebrity? Yup many years ago Shawn, my sister and I were in a mall in Traverse City, Michigan and we say the country band Lonestar. I got their autograph, then they gave us all free tickets and backstage passes to their concert that night.
14. What are you listening to right now? The jingle of Bo's collar as he walks around
15. Are your parents strict? They were when I was younger.
16. Would you go sky diving? Yeah, no way in hell.
17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? Maybe just to say I ate dinner with him.
18. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in? My journey ring and necklace.
19. Have you ever been in a castle? Nope
20. Do you know your neighbors? Yup. I talk to one of them almost every day. Bo loves to play with their dogs.
21. Have you made a prank phone call? When I was in junior high my friend and I did all the time.
22. Do you own a gun? No.
23. Can you count backwards from 74? Yeah, I'm sure I could if I thought about it.
24. Brown or white eggs? Either is fine. I think Brown is better for you.
25. Ever been on a train? Yup at the zoo.
26. What year did you graduate? High school in 1996 and college in 2003
27. Is your hair curly? Very very thick and wavy. I have to straighten it every day.
28. Last time you cried? Last night. A few tears on Shawn's birthday.
29. Ever walked into a wall? Yeah, just the other day actually.
30. Do you like your life right now? Boy that is a hard question. Lets just say I'm getting used to my life right now. I've come a long ways since last year, but still not there a hundred percent. But it is getting better every day.
31. How often do you talk on the phone? Pretty much talk to my friends every single day.
32. What is your favorite animal? I love all animals. I currently have a thing for Giraffes
33. What was the most recent thing you bought? Can't say, they are Christmas gifts for people
34. Can you hula hoop? Yes, it's a great Ab workout.
35. Have you ever crawled through a window? I think once when I was younger. My friend played a joke on me and said the house was locked. I was the smallest one of us, so I crawled through it. Then once I was in her entire family was laughing at me. Yeah, I was really gullible back in the day.
Here are my answers to 35 silly questions...(that I'm sure nobody really cares about)
1. What color is your favorite hoodie? Navy Blue with white NMU lettering on it. NMU stands for Northern Michigan University, where Shawn and I went to college.
2. Do you plan outfits? Yeah you could say that. I don't lay my clothes out or anything like that, but at night before I go to sleep I do plan out what I'm going to wear the next day.
3. What’s the closest thing to you that's red? A box of Junior Mint Peppermint Crunch candies. Have you had these yet? Oh so yummy!!
4. Did you meet anybody new today? Nope I don't think so. But last week at Target I met a lady who came up to me and told me she reads my blog.
5. What are you craving right now? A fountain pop of regular Mountain Dew.
6. Do you floss? I used to every single day. Not so much anymore. Maybe once or twice a week.
7. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? My Cabbage Patch baby I named Carrie in the first grade.
8. Are you emotional? Me...emotional....nah! (yes, at times very)
9. Would you dance to the taco song? I don't know if I have ever heard the taco song.
But probably not, I'm not the greatest dancer
10. Have you ever counted to 1,000? I think so.
11. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? I lick it. If I bite ice cream it hurts my teeth.
12. Do you like your hair? Yup, love the cut. Just got new 'winter' highlights the other day.
13. Have you ever met a celebrity? Yup many years ago Shawn, my sister and I were in a mall in Traverse City, Michigan and we say the country band Lonestar. I got their autograph, then they gave us all free tickets and backstage passes to their concert that night.
14. What are you listening to right now? The jingle of Bo's collar as he walks around
15. Are your parents strict? They were when I was younger.
16. Would you go sky diving? Yeah, no way in hell.
17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? Maybe just to say I ate dinner with him.
18. Is there anything sparkly in the room you’re in? My journey ring and necklace.
19. Have you ever been in a castle? Nope
20. Do you know your neighbors? Yup. I talk to one of them almost every day. Bo loves to play with their dogs.
21. Have you made a prank phone call? When I was in junior high my friend and I did all the time.
22. Do you own a gun? No.
23. Can you count backwards from 74? Yeah, I'm sure I could if I thought about it.
24. Brown or white eggs? Either is fine. I think Brown is better for you.
25. Ever been on a train? Yup at the zoo.
26. What year did you graduate? High school in 1996 and college in 2003
27. Is your hair curly? Very very thick and wavy. I have to straighten it every day.
28. Last time you cried? Last night. A few tears on Shawn's birthday.
29. Ever walked into a wall? Yeah, just the other day actually.
30. Do you like your life right now? Boy that is a hard question. Lets just say I'm getting used to my life right now. I've come a long ways since last year, but still not there a hundred percent. But it is getting better every day.
31. How often do you talk on the phone? Pretty much talk to my friends every single day.
32. What is your favorite animal? I love all animals. I currently have a thing for Giraffes
33. What was the most recent thing you bought? Can't say, they are Christmas gifts for people
34. Can you hula hoop? Yes, it's a great Ab workout.
35. Have you ever crawled through a window? I think once when I was younger. My friend played a joke on me and said the house was locked. I was the smallest one of us, so I crawled through it. Then once I was in her entire family was laughing at me. Yeah, I was really gullible back in the day.
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