I Need A Change and I Need Your Help

Hello blog readers!

Well I feel I need a change, a change in my blog layout and design that is. I have totally loved, loved, loved my last two designs but I feel it is time to switch it up a little bit. Jen at http://shaemata.blogspot.com/ has done my last two designs and she did an AMAZING job. The problem is her computer is having "issues" and she is unable to help me with another design. So that means I have to "create" one myself. YIKES!!!

I have been given the names of a few bog make over sites by a few blog readers but I'm scared. I'm so not good with "computer" stuff at all, I'm surprised I can put pictures on my blog without a major catastrophe! I really want to try and switch up my blog but I don't want to ruin it in the process. You see, once I start changing it I can't get my old design back if I don't like it. I've read and re-read the directions on the one site, but I'm sure I will still find a way to mess it up. However, I guess I'm going to give it a try(I will be holding my breath the entire time). Once I figure out what kind of design and layout I want. (Unless of course there is anyone out there who would like to "help" me with creating my next blog design)

So this is the part where you my readers come in. I would like your ideas and input for my next design/layout. If you have any ideas answer the following questions in a comment and I will see what I can do.

* I think right now I have a two column layout, should I move to three or stick with what I have?

*Colors/Background-uhmm....that is a hard one. I want this blog to be "fun" but not "teenagerish" if you get what I mean. I want the new design to be sophisticated looking but not "old" looking. I want it to be whimsical and shabby sheek all at the same time.

*Font-should I post in color or just keep it black?

*If you have ever designed a blog or know of any good design sites to get templates and blogging "extras" will you please share them with me so I can have a few more sites to look at to gather ideas from?

*Pictures-should I include pictures of Shawn and I and Ry and I in the header or would that be odd?

If there is anything else that I am missing....please please please leave me a comment and let me know what it is.
Please leave me a comment and let me know your thoughts on this new design.

For those of you wondering I will still be keeping the name of my blog. There will be now way I will change that my blog is still about me, about Shawn, and my life. I think The Tale of Two Coins is very fitting.

Okay, go a head and give me all the suggestions and comments you want. I will give it a few days, see what you all have to say and then start creating my new blog design. Gulp....gulp...gulp!!

"It Will Be Okay"

It has been a while sine I have written a "deep" post so I figured why not jump right in with my second post of 2011. Before any of you get all worried and think something bad has happened let me assure you, I am okay, I am good, actually I'm pretty great. Life is good and I'm happy to be able to tell you all that. Ry and I are doing amazing, we had a wonderful first Christmas together, and a terrific New Years. I'm so happy and grateful to actually be happy again!

I have been kind of working on this post in my head for a while now. I had the thoughts and the ideas, but I just didn't really know how to put it all into words, well words that would make sense anyways. I still don't know if this will come out heat all sounding right, but I figure I will give it my best shot. Recently a few things have "happened" to me making me think I can put this into words. One being within the last few weeks a few people have been asking me how I have gotten myself to the point I am today. How did I get through one of the worst things a person can ever imagine going through in their life and at two and a half years later be okay with things. One of the Mom's in my classroom and I were talking yesterday, she knew about Shawn passing away but had no idea about my miscarriage until we were talking and it got brought up. She looked at me and said, "Oh my, you really went through so much in such a short amount of time" All, I could do was look at her, shake my head, and say, "Yes, I did, it was awful, it still is awful, the worst thing in my life I have ever gone through, but I'm okay now." She just looked at me and with tears in her eyes she said, "I'm so glad that you are okay now"

The second this is a few weeks ago we were at Ry's parents house talking about Ry's Aunt who suddenly lost her husband of 23 years. They were talking about how she was doing. How she and her kids got through Christmas and how they were coping with the changes of not having their Dad/Husband. All I could do was sit there and think of what I was doing eight weeks after Shawn's death. I was and absolute, total 100% hot mess. I feel for his Aunt, my heart hurts for her because I know exactly what she is feeling, and what she is going through, the pain, and it is not fun at all. As we were all talking different family members were saying that they hope and pray that she would be okay. I joined into the conversation, shared a few things about my whole grief process and told them that she would be okay, but that it takes time and lots of it for her to be okay or to even get to that point. After I said it though I got to thinking...how do I know she will be okay, I don't. I'm knew to the family, I have only known her for a year. I really have no idea how she is grieving or what she is or is not doing to get to that point. All I know is what I did and what I went through. Just because I am okay, doesn't necessarily mean that she will be. It's all in the person and what the person wants.

Finally, last night I was watching Oprah (I really don't know why because I can not stand her) but for some reason the title of the show caught my attention. It was called "It Will Be Okay" the majority of the show dealt with a husband and wife who tragically lost their two daughters and one son ages, 5, 4, and 2 in horrible car accident in which the wife was driving the family car and a semi truck rammed into the back end killing all three children instantly. I can not even begin to imagine a loss of that magnitude. The show was about them and how even in the worst moment of their life they came together, leaned on each other and got to the point three years later where they are now "okay" again. I sat their watching the show, listening to them talk with tears in my eyes. I was relating everything that they were saying to losing Shawn.

As a wife my worst fear ever was losing my husband and being left alone with out him. As a parent I would imagine your worst fear is losing your child or worse yet your children. Things happen in life that will never and can never be explained. Unfortunately, people lose their spouses and their children every single day, it's just a cruel reality of life. However, like the family on Oprah, I grieved, I cried, I yelled, I got angry and I doubted a lot of life for a long time. Like the couple I also slept a lot. I hated going to sleep and I hated waking up, but when I was sleeping I was so grateful because in that state of sleep was the only time I did not feel any pain. When I was sleeping it was like what I was going through was not real. Also Like the couple I finally reached a point where I began to realize things and look at things in a different way. I had to start looking at my life, my old life with Shawn, and my new life without Shawn in a different way or else I seriously was going to go crazy. While I loved sitting at my parents house in Shawn's old clothes, it was really beginning to take a toll on me. I've mentioned this before on my blog, but at around six months after Shawn died I really began to grieve. Months six through nine for me were even worse than the first few weeks after his death. The shock was gone and reality was sinking in more and more every day. So like the couple on Oprah, I felt the pain. I felt the good, the bad, the ugly and the awful. I think I was afraid to do that before because I was afraid to "crack" Now, in reality, I think you have to crack to be able to be okay down the road. You have to face it, you have to feel it because other wise you are just masking it and will never get to that okay point. Hell, at two and a half years I'm still feeling it, and I will always still feel it.

In order to be "okay" you have to get to the point where you begin to smile when you look at pictures or talk about the person you have lost. At first I needed to have pictures of Shawn and I up. I felt like I needed them up because I was worried about forgetting. I still have pictures of Shawn and I but I now know that I will never forget what was. I now look at the pictures and smile when I think of all the good and even bad times that the two of us shared and I'm grateful for each and every one of them. Yes, I'm even grateful for the bad ones. The couple on Oprah also said the same thing. Looking at pictures of their children know brings a smile to their face and reminds them of their family.

Another interesting thing that the couple said was that you have to learn to integrate the people who died into your new life. When you are head deep in grief you don't want to admit it, but you are still living, you are not the one who died, your life has to go on. As each day passes you learn to do that, it's a long painful process but you learn it. You also learn how to make the person you lost part of your new life. Traditions and special occasions will never be the same without that person, but they can still be special and meaningful. As time goes, you will find new ways to feel your loved one with you. I don't know really how to explain that any more it's just something that kind of happens. I guess more than anything as you heal you really start to "feel" that person their with you and that feeling comforts you more than you can imagine.

Another interesting thing the couple said was that you have to learn to focus on the life of the person that died instead of focusing on the day they died. For the longest time after Shawn died it was all about the day he died, the way he died and how it could have been prevented. I counted the hours, the days, the weeks, the months that went by without him. I was focusing on what was missing in my life without him being their with me. As more time went on I started talking more and more about Shawn and his life. I realized that talking about him made me smile, it brought comfort to me. Also by talking about him other people were also remembering him. People forgetting Shawn was and still is one of my biggest fears. He was such and amazing wonderful man and I don't want people to forget him. Talking about his life and how he lived his life brought a smile to my face instead of always focusing on the day everything changed. This also gives you a chance to remember and reflect on the good times you had with that person.

I guess too when you go through something in life that you have feared, something you don't think is imaginable to get through, something you don't even want to live through makes you look at life in a totally different way. You learn to appreciate the here and now instead of what is a head. You learn to slow down and take things one day at a time. Now, while I still think a head and probably a little too far at times I have learned to enjoy each day more than I ever did before. Ry, has also helped me a great deal with that. I've said this before too, but I really think Shawn was put in my life to help me in so many different ways. He taught me things about myself that I never knew. Things that I would never have figured out had I not gone through the loss of him.

The final segment on Oprah with the couple was them talking about their life today, their life without their three beautiful children. The mom said, "Yes, we lost our children, life today is incredibly different than it was then, our life will never be the same, but we are happy and okay again and that is the important thing."
I also know today my life is entirely different that it was two and a half years ago. My life is way different now than it was last year at this point and time thanks to Ry and his kids. My life has changed, it's different but that for one second does not mean that I do not love Shawn. I still love Shawn with all of my heart, I still think about him every single day. What it means is through my grief, and through grieving I am okay. Yes, I lost my husband, four weeks after his funeral I miscarried our first baby, but I'm grateful for the life that I had, and for my life now. My life will never again be the same, but I am happy and okay and that is the important thing!!!

****Side note to the couple on Oprah
I can not remember the exact time line but shortly after the loss of their three children, she found out she was pregnant again. With triplets....two girls and a boy. Each of whom share the same middle name of each of their sisters and brother in heaven.

2010 In Review

Originally I was going to write this big ole post about how 2010 was so much better than the last two years of my life were and why. I was going to include how my life has changed this year and I was also going to write about things that I miss about my life from years before. I really was going to write that post, but then tonight I went to read Tami's blog http://therothreport.blogspot.com and she reminded me of a post that I did last year, that she decided to do this year for her New Years post. (Does that make any sense or did I totally confuse you??) Well, Tami won and I decided I would do that post again. I kind of thought it might be a little bit funner(I know funner isn't really a word either but oh well) to read a post like this than what I was going to do. So without further ado I hope you enjoy my 2010 year in review post.

1. What did you do in 2010 that you had never done before?
The thing that comes to my mind instantly is when I went to Mexico and went para sailing. Good lord was I scared out of my mind, but it was an experience I will never forget.
Oh yeah that is me dangling 350 crazy ass high feet in the air. It was a thrill but I was scared outa my ever loving mind!

2. Did you keep your New Year’s Resolution, and will you make more next year?
I really didn't make a resolution out loud verbally to anyone. The resolution I made was a more personal/ internal type of resolution. I will share it with you now. Last year on New Years Eve I made a resolution to myself to try and be a more happy person. I wanted to really try and live my life again and start to enjoy my life once again. I did this for myself and for Shawn because I trust and believe in the fact that he would want me to be happy again. So after living the last year I would say that, yes, I did keep my resolution. 2010 was a great year for me and I really did start enjoying life once again.
I think my resolution for 2011 is to keep enjoying life, not take it for granted and oh...get back to the gym!

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
I really don't believe that anybody close to me gave birth in 2010. Ry's sister who I am very close with is pregnant now, does that count?

4. Did anyone close to you die?
Not necessarily close to me per say, but I did go to three funerals in 2010. One for Ry's best friend's dad, one for Ry's uncle, and one last week for Ry's other best friend's grandma. I'm so done with funerals for a long long time.

5. What countries did you visit?
I went to Mexico in March with two of my girlfriends and their children. It was our Widows Gone Wild 2010 trip! Haha

6. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
Uhm....that is a kind of tough question. 2010 really brought me so much, I really don't know what else I want. Other than maybe more hours in the day, that would be nice.

7. What dates from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
January 2, 2010 that was the night of Ry's and I's blind date. I really didn't expect there to be a spark or a connection at all. I was really only going to make my cousin happy. Boy, was I wrong. We instantly hit it off and things are going great!!

This was the first picture taken of us early this summer.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
I think the fact that I stuck to my resolution to start living life and being happy again.

9. What was your biggest failure?
The fact that after I busted my ass for over a year in the gym, and was finally getting muscle I stopped working out all together after I got my job in October. I SO need to go back to the gym, I really did feel so much better!

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Other than a little sniffle here and there I was very healthy. Thank God for that. I hate being sick.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
My plane ticket to Mexico. Oh we had so much fun!! I really tried to not spend as much money in 2010 as I had in the previous two years.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
Not really sure about that one. I guess all of my great awesome friends for continuing to stick by me through good times and bad. I really do have the best friends any girl could ask for.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled or depressed?
Yeah, not saying a word on this one...you never know who is reading your blog. I SO don't feel like dealing with these people so I will just keep my mouth shut!!

14. Where did most of your money go this year?
I hate to say it but most of my money went to bills and my stupid health insurance. Don't even get me started on that one!

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
My trip to Mexico! I was so excited I could hardly stand it. Oh and my Bret Michaels concert we went to last week. I felt like a little kid on Christmas morning I was so excited!

16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
California Girl by Katy Perry.
I hate to say it...but I really like her music.It's just so darn catchy.

17. Compared to this time last year are you a) happier or sadder? b) thinner or fatter? c) richer or poorer?
I am WAY happier now than I was this time last year. Sorry to say it, but I also think I may have gained a few pounds from this time last year and I also guess I'm probably a little poorer than I was last year. However, money really doesn't mean anything because I'm a much happier person with my life and that is what counts. With that being said if I happen to win the lotto, I would be oh so happy :)

18. What do you wish you had done more of?
Spending more time outside. I really love it outside, but it seems as though I never really got out and enjoyed the beautiful summer we had this year.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
As much as I try not too I'm still a bit of a worry wort. I tend to worry about things that are way out of my control and I also tend to worry about things that are months and months away. I have to admit, I'm way better at this than I used to be, but I still need to work on not being such a worry wart. Life is too short, I just need to take it one day at a time.

20. How did you spend Christmas?
Christmas Eve we spent with Ry's parents, sister, Uncle and Grandparents. Christmas day we spent with my family. Christmas 2010 was so great! It was awesome having kids around this year for Christmas time.

21. Did you fall in love in 2010?I am happy to say that yes I did. To three wonderful people. Ry, his daughter, and his son!

22. What was your favorite TV program?
I'm still a trash T.V junkie...Totally 100% loved Bethany Is Getting Married. A spin off from The Real Housewives of New York.

23. Do you hate someone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
Hate is a really strong word and I really try not to hate anyone. However, I really don't think I hate anybody "new"

24. What was the best book you read?
Oh golly, I really didn't read any books this year. I know how incredibly awful is that?? I was just way too busy to read. (Awful!) But just last night I started The Girl With The Dragon Tatoo. Everyone says it's great. I can't wait to get into it more.Has anyone read it? Is it good/

25. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Well, thanks to Ry, I am now a total fan of Elvis. I had never really stopped and listened to his music before. His voice is amazing and several of his songs tell such an amazing story. My favorite is Kentucky Rain, it just kind of has a special meaning to Ry and I.

26. What did you want and get?
HAPPINESS!!

27. What did you want and not get?
I'm not really sure. I have an amazing boyfriend, his great family who totally love me like their own, my amazing family, my terrific friends, new friends I have met through Ry. I really don't think I could have asked for more!

28. What was your favorite film of the year?
I can't remember if this was really early in 2010 or really late 2009, but I totally loved the Blind Side. I really didn't go to the movies as much as I had in years before.

29. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?
I worked haf a day and then to my surprise Ry took a half day off of work and surprised the crap out of me! We spent the entire afternoon together, went to a movie and then spent the night with our families going out to dinner. After that Ry and I went out with some friends later that night. It really was a great, great birthday and Ry really did surprise me. I was 33 years old.

30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

I have to agree with Tami on this one and say to be completely 100% out of debt. That would be such an amazing feeling...maybe one day.

31. How would you describe you personal fashion concept in 2010?
Haha...that is a funny funny question. I'm a total jeans and t-shirt kinda gal. I think I own maybe two dresses, wait, only one. If it's jeans and a V-neck t-shirt I'm in it! However, this year I have really tried to step out of my "comfort zone" a little bit. I have started wearing different accessories (I know crazy right?!) I have also started wearing the dreaded jeggings that we have all heard so much about. I have to admit I totally love them. All in all I'm a pretty boring person of fashion.

32. What kept you sane?

Ry, my family, my friends, working out

33. What celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
I totally love Bethany Frankel from The Real Housewives of New York. I kinda wish I could tell it like it is like she does. I just really find her a funny lady. Also, as many of you know I totally love Bret Michaels and yes I watch his reality TV shows as well.

34. What political issue stirred you the most?

I hate to admit this, but I don't pay any attention at all to politics.(no idea why but I can not for the life of me get this unbolded!)

35. Who did you miss?
Easy question...Shawn

36. Who was the best new person you met?
I met Tami!!! We had a super fun day shopping at a local outlet mall. Hey, Tami...we NEED TO GO SHOPPING AGAIN and SOON!!! Tami was totally great and the two of us had a really good day. She is also as cool if not cooler in person than she is on her blog! I also have met so many wonderful new friends of Ry's. Each and everyone of them are now friends of mine. I'm so blessed to have so many amazing new people in my life!
The group of all my "new friends" at a ball we all went too a few weeks ago!

37. Tell us a valuable lesson you learned in 2010.
Slow down...take life one day at a time and just enjoy it. I think I shared this quote with you before, but Ry has this quote hanging on the living room wall and it really is so true it is, " Dream as if you will live forever, live as if you will die today." I love that saying and it is so true. Have fun and enjoy your life.

38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
I loved Pink's song "Glitter in the Air" the second I heard it. It instantly gave me goosebumps and put tears in my eyes. It is such a true, heartfelt song and I love listening too it. You see this was a HUGE year for me. While I still love Shawn with all my heart, and always will. I also took a huge step by falling in love with another man. I took a HUGE step letting another man into my heart. It was scary, it was nerve wracking, wonderful and amazing all at the same time. I remember the first time Ry kissed me he was so gentle and considerate of my feelings. I don't think he knew it but I got tears in my eyes after from his kiss. So the song with the lyrics that summed up my year is "Glitter In the Air"
"Have you ever been touched so gently you had to cry?
Have you ever invited a stranger to come inside"
Yes...I have and I'm so very glad that I did!

There you had it my 2010 in review. I hope you enjoyed this post and weren't bored to tears. Feel free to do this on your blog as well. I would love to read it!