Dad's already been gone two months. One one hand it went by quickly and on the other it's been a long two months. I've been reflecting on the things most valuable to me now that Dad's no longer here. I've saved a few notes (but all of a sudden I wish I had more!) and of course I have lots of photos but there is one thing I wish I had more of... videos!
If you've spent any time with me you know I always snap pictures to photo document moments and am pretty good about catching a snipet or two of video but I miss the kind of video our parents took... you know... the seemingly random moments that played forever. The ones of just the kids playing or a whole five minutes of Christmas morning (instead of just the opening of one present). I found a few that capture the essence of my Dad (I have more but they are the same, short clips) ... building with the kids, laughing about Fletcher discovering what an old fashioned roll up window is, fishing, dancing to "his music," reading the Bible on Christmas morning and demonstrating the art of paper airplanes but I wish the videos played on so that I could spend even more time in the moment.
So, my friends...clear off some memory on your iPhones and the next time you make a video let it record just a little longer...
I sit here in my office where just one month ago my world started spinning when Danny ran in and announced that Dad's plane had crashed in Alaska and he had gone to Heaven. It was a very surreal moment and I remember thinking "WHAT? This isn't happening." But, it did and we are now one month out from the news that our family life had changed forever.
The first week was a blur of getting home to Fresno to be hugged and cradled by so many friends. Then, we made the last minute trip to Alaska and upon returning home the next two weeks were all about planning the memorial service which I liken to planning a big wedding with only two weeks notice (thank you to SO many who made this such a special time). So, it has only been the last week or so that reality is sinking in... life without Dad.
I'm learning that grief comes at surprising moments. Seemingly normal activities like going to the mall and sitting at soccer practice were initially very difficult but are getting easier each time I get out of the car. There are times when I want the world to stop all of it's activities so I can catch my breath. But, there are school lunches to be packed, games to attend, laundry to be done and food needed for the fridge. Moving about real life is good but I want to leave space and time for my heart to process. Yesterday I took on too much (contractor meeting for a double bathroom remodel, what am I thinking?!) and at the end of a long day with the children I found myself to be a puddle. Danny graciously put me to bed and I settled in with a book which seems to do the trick. I didn't expect tears to come when I'm used to being a professional multitasker - I guess that's grief at odd times.
When people ask how we're doing my answer surprises me ... we're actually doing okay. There is a sadness that comes when something runs across my mind but overall I feel a deep sense of peace that I didn't quite expect. Yes, I have my moments but as Mom said, "I keep waiting for the agony to hit but it hasn't yet" and perhaps that is not part of God's plan for our grieving process. He has replaced it with peace instead. There is actually great JOY in Dad's death being quick, pain free and just how he would have ordered it to be! Dad just celebrated his 70th birthday in March and we gathered up "70 things people love about Jim Fletcher" (the list ended up being much longer so thank you to all who contributed) and presented the list to him. We found those notecards in his Joy Box, a present we gave him years ago where he stored notes, cards and things that were special to him. For Mom and Dad's 40th Anniversary people called in words of affirmation and stories and we put those phone calls on a CD. We found it in the safety deposit box, one of Mom and Dad's most treasured possessions. My heart is at peace because we loved him well.
We have had the privilege to be able to see God's fingerprints all over our lives in ways that we haven't seen before. He is opening doors and softening hearts in a way that only He can do. At Dad's service Danny shared how God loves us so much that He sent His son Jesus to us. Only through believing in Him will be inherit eternal life with God the Father. Dad didn't know he would die on September 15th but he was ready. Are you? We all have a God-sized hole in our hearts that we try to fill. If you don't know the Lord open your heart and ask for Him to reveal Himself to you. He will.
There is a hymn that my heart has been singing. Mom, Ashlie and Danny and I sang it walking into the hospital in Alaska and it has stayed with me ... an old favorite that has new meaning. It was written by Horatio Spafford, a man who experienced loss after the death of his son and four daughters. I understand it a bit better now because here I sit surprisingly saying, "It is well with my soul." Because of all your prayers we know that our peace is God-given. You have loved us and carried us and there is a gratitude that is so deep it cannot be expressed with words. I can't only describe Dad's service and the reunion parties that took place around it a touch of Heaven on earth. For us there is joy in the midst of sadness and peace with death.
Thank you for walking this journey with our family...
Just when I was returning to blogging life had other plans. I was in my office catching up on my posts and getting ready to sort through vacation photos when Danny ran in with news that changed my life. My Dad was fishing in Alaska when his plane crashed and he was killed instantly on September 15th. Yes, the world started spinning. So, I am taking a break to grieve but also to celebrate God's grace in the midst of tragedy. There are many stories of goodness and blessing that have emerged and I look forward to sharing them with you!
After lots of swimming and successful beach snorkeling we thought an official snorkel excursion would be fun. We found one that was perfect for kids... on a pirate ship!
Parker and Daddy ready to go!
The first snorkel spot was a bit rough because it was further out in the ocean over a ship wreck. Bailey and I stuck close together with Daddy took the boys to explore the ship and see all the fish that live around it.
The next stop was more our style... just smooth, warm water!
After our last stop we anchored for some off the ship fun... the pirate swing!
We all took a turn flying off the ship. Here's Fletcher leading the charge...
We got some great pictures of Daddy!
Bailey
Parker
It was a fantastic morning! As we sailed back to the beach the captain blasted a little Journey on the speakers and with the warm sun on our faces and the breeze blowing in our hair we all had that peaceful island feelin'
We quickly fell into a routine on vacation... breakfast in the condo, morning on the beach, lunch picnic and afternoon at the pool followed by one of Daddy's yummy dinners.
Pretty great life!
The kids became professional sand castle builders. According to them the most important ingredient is "dune sand" which comes from the floor of the ocean about four feet into the surf. It's harder and makes the castle more indestructible. I just followed orders and became the fetcher of the dune sand!
Football with Daddy was another favorite beach activity!
Each morning the kids would run down for the iguana presentation and feeding. By the end of the trip they were iguana experts!
Teamwork
I love this photo - I hope the kids will always be buddies!
In the afternoons we'd migrate to the pool where most of our time was spent on the waterside, lazy river and in the hot tub.
The kids and Daddy would get a little crazy trying to make waves with their inner tubes.
I thought I had planned our first day in Aruba brilliantly. We brought enough food on the airplane for our first day of breakfast and lunches. We would then rent a car to attend church, do some sight seeing around the island and end the day with a grocery store run to stock up for the week. I thought it was the perfect plan.
Now, all we had to do was figure out how to get around. The island is basically 20miles long x 6 miles wide. I was pretty confident we could navigate ourselves until we were given this map.
I had printed out Google directions to our key locations ahead of time but they were no good when the local streets don't have names and the map is just a series of lines. The entire island looks the same except for one mountain in the middle so it's very hard to tell which direction you're pointing.
We strapped the kids in the back of the car with snack and water bottles and headed out for church. The next two hours proved to be the reason why Danny and I are NOT on the Amazing Race. We would have made great entertainment but not so great progress. Our kids are now fans of the show and when they started calling us "Blair" and "Haley" (the two people who fought terribly on the show) we knew we were in trouble. We looped around the Hooiberg Mountain several times (all the while Danny telling me I just and to triangulate our position), stopped and asked for directions four times until someone finally told us that the church was tucked in the neighborhood behind the auto parts store (not off the freeway Google Maps!!!!). We ended up arriving at church an hour late and a little frazzled but just in time for a great sermon... in Spanish! Thanks to translation we received a great message from the Lord and made sure to get some specific directions before heading to our next location.
Stop #2 was the Ostrich Farm. We only had to stop once and that was to clarify directions and for popsicles!
We learned about the dumb birds and had fun showing the kids how they will run towards anything silver.
I forgot how quick they are at snagging shiny items!
The best part was feeding them!
The poor baby goat had a great temperament but it was definitely ready for us to leave!
Stop #3 was close by but down a bumpy road with an intimidating entrance... The Donkey Sanctuary.
We let ourselves in through a series of gates and were immediately swarmed by donkeys. Apparently they know why we're there... to feed them! We made it to the snack bar/porch and were thankful for the safety of the railing.
We said goodbye to our donkey friends and crossed the island via the Arikok National Park. Once on the other side of the country we discovered the coolest caves!!!!
The national park ranger told us to follow the little path on the other side of the parking lot down to the stream. He laughed and said there we would find free pedicures. We weren't quite sure what he meant but it was a discovery day so we decided to follow the path.
It wasn't until a woman told us about the "cleaner fish" in the stream that we realized what a free pedicure was! You put your feet in the water and the fish eat the dead skin. A little odd but we had to give it a go.
Danny and I found them to be quickly tickley!
We talked the kids into joining us for the spa treatment!
With clean feet we went to check out the next series of caves which just kept getting more amazing!
And this is what happens when you're on a dirt road with no one in sight for miles...
After our earlier map fiasco we learned that in Aruba you're never lost, just temporarily disoriented. There are the resorts to the west, the mountain and national park in the middle, windmills to the east and the anchor monument on the south edge which is where we headed next. At the anchor we would turn and there we would find Baby Beach. See, we got the hang of Aruba driving - we just had to let go of our type A'ness and see where the roads took us.
Baby Beach - a beautiful cove and the site of the kids first snorkeling adventure.
I buddied with Fletcher and I'll never forget being beside him when he popped up, grabbed my arm, pointed and exclaimed, "there's a FISH!" How fun to introduce them to the world of tropical snorkeling.
It only took 24hours but we'd finally entered vacation mode!
Never made it to the grocery store that day but we didn't care... too much to see and experience.
Plus, we ended up scoring free smoothies when we went at 9am the next morning!
