Over

IUI number two is officially over. I just made an appointment with my RE for next week to see if he wants to add anything to this month's protocol, and to see where we are going if this IUI #3 fails as well. We'll see. Maybe he'll take us more seriously when he sees that none of this is working. I don't feel like he is giving us any treatment different than what we need right now, but I do feel like he doesn't consider us to have a serious fertility problem, which is all fine and dandy but the bottom line is that I'm still not pregnant. Wonderful.

Difficulties

Ok, I'm ready to be pregnant, enough of this period crap. It's been a year and a half since we started trying for our second kid and I had a feeling it wasn't going to be easy, because of our first experience, but I honestly never expected this.

Everybody here is popping out kids like it was the easiest thing in the world. I know that can't be true because of how utilized our fertility health care is, but no one I know around me needs to use it. I try to be happy for everyone, every pregnancy and birth is really special and should never be taken for granted. I've been on the other side of the equation, when my sister in law was going through IVF and I was pregnant. Being treated like crap because you are pregnant and someone else isn't is really awful. I really never forgave her for it. The first time it took us a while to get pregnant but nothing compared to fertility treatments, it was enough of a taste of the experience to know that pregnancy should never be taken for granted, who knows when or if you'll be able to have another child. And low and behold, my feelings were truer than I ever even thought at the time.

Not being able to get pregnant is painful, but I try to keep those feelings from effecting my relationships with other women who are pregnant. When I read blogs and hear people bitching about pregnant women, I know where it comes from and empathize. But it's so hard for me to not get upset, and tell them that if anything they should understand the preciousness of being pregnant no matter how it happened. I couldn't forgive my sister in law before, and now that I'm going through fertility treatments myself and IVF is looming on the horizon I just feel my anger growing and growing. When I was pregnant the first time, I couldn't enjoy my pregnancy as much as I wanted too, I had to apoligize for my belly every time I walked in the room. My mother and father in law also had to keep their enthusiasm for our pregnancy in check so as to not offend their daughter. But look what happened now. I will never have an easy peasy conception with no stress. The first time will probably have been the closest thing that I had to experience that and it was taken away from me.

Infertility is hard. I just think women need to support eachother. If you've gone through an experience that teaches you to value something, then value it, don't just assume that the rest of the world takes everything for granted. Now I just have to take my own advice as I move through this experience. It's not easy in this world of 3 to 4 kids spaced two years apart, but I need to be strong and rise to the occasion.

That Time of the Month

What's worse than actually getting your period? The four or so days before your period when you can tell that it's coming but you are doing everything you can to convince yourself that it's not happening and you're pregnant, while simultaneously telling yourself that you are delusional and that you are obviously getting your period. It is awful. Especially since for the last year or so I have a lot of spotting before my actual period (my progesterone is stellar, so I'm chalking it up to my thyroid). For a couple of months I was starting to spot at 7dpo really making me think that I had luteal phase issues. Now I just think I was taking too much thyroid medicine. Now I'm back to spotting around 11dpo, which is still enough to drive me crazy. Basically I'm not so hopeful for this cycle.

The IUI went fine. Acually, two IUIs due to the fact that I got a positive OPK on Saturday (which I took out of my own volition, and glad I did) meaning I didn't get to trigger, my body did it on it's own before we could get back to the work week. So, on Sunday morning we hightailed it to the clinic and did the usual monitoring while simultaneously trying to get my RE to fax over a referral to do an IUI that morning based on the OPK (waiting for the bloodwork might have proven too late and I had a follicle of 22mm). So, we did the IUI, and then the RE decided that it would be best to do another one the next morning because my LH was still really high. So, we dragged ourselves to the clinic once more and had another one. Fun, fun.

I love the quiet that is after your really done with the IUI for the month. Nothing more to do, no chasing after the nurses on the phone, no running into the clinic, you've done everything you could and for a short time it is really out of your hands. For me that lasts until about 10dpo, and then the worrying starts. Oy.

One thing I haven't mentioned is that we are limited in time, we were supposed to go on Sabbatical in August (we started trying to get pregnant a year and a half ago), and I can't go while pregnant (I'm pretty sure it's considered an existing condition for health insurance), plus if I'm not pregnant it means that we won't be trying for another year until we get back to the land of universal health insurance. It all sucks. I'm not willing to postpone the trip indefinetely, so either we get pregnant in the next couple of months or we have to wait over a year to try again. I'm sure we could push for IVF if we wanted to but it feels rediculous to do that when we have 3 year old proof sitting with us at the dinner table that maybe we just need to be patient. But the bottom line is that I'm still not pregnant.