Blame on PMS or just moodiness, but I had a couple of rough mornings this weekend. My question lately is how much control do I have over my emotions? Is it something subconscious or purely hormonal that controls how attracted I am or not to the guys I date? Did I just choose to be in a bad mood and pout about it for a few hours yesterday morning or was it something more than that? Why did I need someone to talk to and help me see my own need to change Saturday morning--my own little therapy session--to get over how I frustrated I was about such a small thing? How much can I change the insecurity and fear that still seeps into the way I view myself and the relationships I create? And if it really all is something much more in my own control than I want to believe, how will I ever go about getting in control of all of that?

Usually at work the girls' group therapy is just something they do, while I sit there and try not to act too bored. But yesterday it was even good therapy for me. They talked about the stages of grief. It's interesting to finally realize the cycle I've been through in the last few months and to finally be at the acceptance stage. Of course it's nothing very serious... nothing like what those girls go through. The grief over destroyed family relationships, the lives they've left behind, and the fear over what life will be like after they leave.

Also taking time write down a the answer a few questions the girls responded to yesterday totally changed my perspective. I highly recommend it to anyone.
What surprised me is how difficult this question was for me to answer:
What is perfect about where you are in your life right now?
I came up with a few answers which included:
That I can be with my sister before she leaves on her mission.
That I have the opportunity to care about others.
That so much of my future lies ahead, while having already been taught so much about myself and my relationships with God in the past.

These are the ones I'm going to be working on in the next little while.

What action would you take if you knew you could not possibly fail?
What are you tolerating/ putting up with?
Who and what are you listening to, most of the time? How will you change that if it needs changing?
What do you keep saying to yourself that usually hinders your progress?
What could you now keep saying to yourself, to empower you?
What have you 100% decided to achieve?
What ways do you benefit by NOT deliberately moving toward what you want?
What non-negotiable decision are you willing to make for your life, and stick to?
In what way are you a better person this year than last year? What will be your answer next year?
Is there anything you are ignoring to which you should be paying attention?
What are you most excited about? What are you looking forward to?
What are your greatest strengths and how will you leverage them?
What would most like to be acknowledged for so far in your life?

A new perspective on yourself and what you need to change in your life is often just what we need to progress. I'm working on not believing all the negative stuff that goes though my head all the time. It's just a long process for me... but I'm glad it's getting easier.

Contentment

Beula's kids are going to make her move into assisted living. Another change for her. I'm living with 5 other girls. Change for me. That's a lot of hair stuff in one little bathroom.
Satisfaction comes in small ways lately: singing loud in the the car to Taylor Swift, getting my visa closer to paid off, feeling like I've finally got my priorities back where they need to be, making time to study, having a stressful day at work and feeling like I did it right, finally feeling like I have friends in Provo, a good cup of hot chocolate and some thermals.