I found this article a few days ago by Maurine Proctor that explains so much of what I have been feeling this week.
"...Fear debilitates. It paralyzes. It is a tool of the Adversary, and perhaps his prime one. Just as surely as sin blocks the comfort of the Spirit, so does fear. Fear is primordial; it overtakes us, we can fall into its sickening embrace before we know it. We may feel it as a clutching darkness or a pain that drains the goodness out of our day. Or it may simply be a sense that our nerves have been drawn taut like wires.
Fear can be experienced as dread about some imagined outcome. It can merely be the sense that we are worried that bad things will happen, that we will miss the opportunity that could change our lives. It can be a sense that we will fail or that we will be exposed and find out things about ourselves and our weaknesses we do not want to know. We are fearful for our children’s physical and spiritual safety, for the commotion in our world, for the economy that is eating away our financial security like acid.
Worry and fear ... indicate that we have hit a snag in our spiritual development and that the Lord is inviting us to know Him better.
Let’s face it. It can be terrifying to live day by day in a world where what we value can be snatched from us. Some of us are called upon to do obviously hard things-- wash the windows of skyscrapers, fight fires, do brain surgery—things that obviously call for nerve and courage. But it feels just as hard, and sometimes frightening to most of us, to raise a child who might go astray, or tackle the job we think we have no aptitude for, or live with the rejection or disappointment we didn’t expect. Sometimes we are frightened that we will just never be happy.
Fear, in any of its forms, is not of the Lord. He does not give us the spirit of fear. He may warn us at times, but this is not in the spirit of fear. Be certain, when you are in its clutches, that fear is always a tool of the Adversary, meant to dim your light and divide you from God.
God did not put us in this insecure, fallen world to be frosted in fear, glazed in anxiety, but, instead to come to know Him and his power. Yes, we are in some kinds of bondage here, but He allows it so He can demonstrate that He is the Deliverer.
When we drop the notion that we have to control every aspect of our world to work out “just so” for us, and instead put ourselves in His hands, our fear begins to evaporate.
When we begin to seek to know Him with all of our hearts, refusing to be tossed around by the trivial or the threatening, fear begins to dissolve. The material world, where our fears lie, loses its power over us. Yes, we live here and must respond to its demands, but it is not our source of security.
We aren’t insecure in this fallen world; we only think we are. How could there be a more secure place to be than in His hands? God has prepared this journey for us, has foreseen every eventuality, and if we seek him with all of our hearts, he doesn’t just show us the way. He is the way. “I am the way, the truth, and the life,” He tells us (John 14:6).
The Red Sea will part. It may not be on our time table or in our way, but that’s acceptable because we know that He is doing something important with us and for us that we cannot do for ourselves. He is about the work of transforming us, expanding our understandings, shifting our paradigms.
Our call is to be steady. Charging God foolishly because we are frightened demonstrates that we have not yet come to understand who He is and the nature of the covenant that binds us to him if we give him all our hearts."
Read the whole article here.
I am still fighting this battle. I find it so difficult to be steady. God continues to tutor, train, and comfort me... and I continue to let the fear envelop me during my vulnerable moments. I can be trying so hard to be patient and faithful, but almost inevitably comes moments like tonight when I turn off the lights and the darkness seems to unleash a wall of emotions that I can't keep back... no matter how unwanted they are.
I will just have to spend more time in the light, because I refuse to stop fighting.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
good reads
Really enjoyed this article about Unga, honor code, and how amazing BYU is.
Even more amazed by this article about the miracles that happened in Chile during the earthquake.
Even more amazed by this article about the miracles that happened in Chile during the earthquake.
Saturday, April 17, 2010
Be of good cheer
the good side of bad things this week:
-Sam made friends with the police officer who gave me a ticket
-still cutting down the time it takes me to get to the temple, even when my GPS doesn't know what it's talking about (which is quite often)
-while the zyrtec, sudafed, musinex, and nyquil did nothing to help my cough to go away, at least the lady at the temple had lots of cough drops (although overdosing on cough drops isn't that fun either)
-a good night's sleep does wonders for a over medicated, tired body
-now we know which mints not to eat at the cheesy Italian restaurant
-at least someone was happy I bailed early from that awkward first date
-most dirty diapers don't have to be changed on the front seat of a car without wipes
-financial crisis helps me make more responsible decision
-I may not have anything to eat for breakfast this morning since my milk (as usual) expired a week ago, but there is a grocery store right around the corner.
-Sam made friends with the police officer who gave me a ticket
-still cutting down the time it takes me to get to the temple, even when my GPS doesn't know what it's talking about (which is quite often)
-while the zyrtec, sudafed, musinex, and nyquil did nothing to help my cough to go away, at least the lady at the temple had lots of cough drops (although overdosing on cough drops isn't that fun either)
-a good night's sleep does wonders for a over medicated, tired body
-now we know which mints not to eat at the cheesy Italian restaurant
-at least someone was happy I bailed early from that awkward first date
-most dirty diapers don't have to be changed on the front seat of a car without wipes
-financial crisis helps me make more responsible decision
-I may not have anything to eat for breakfast this morning since my milk (as usual) expired a week ago, but there is a grocery store right around the corner.
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
SUN!!
I actually wrote this last year in February while I was living in Provo. But it pretty much summarizes what all my happy thoughts revolve around right now:
1.The sun makes me warm. Those of you who don't have to wear thermals, thick socks, sweaters, and coats to stay warm when the weather drops below 50 degrees may not appreciate the value of being warm, but for me it's a well appreciated luxury; a luxury which let me assure you I don't take for granted.
2.I love eating ice cream especially creamy kinds involving chocolate. But I love eating it even more in the sun. Eating it indoors in the winter and then having to put on another layer of clothing to warm up, just isn't the same.
3.Swimming, or to be more specific, laying out in the sun after a few minutes in the pool is terrific way to spend a Saturday afternoon. It's just so relaxing.
4.I appreciate not having to wear a jacket. Lots of things are more convenient and often more enjoyable while wearing a t-shirt rather than a thick jacket: eating, cuddling, giving hugs, taking a nap, etc.
5.Some of my fav Summer smells: BBQ, waterfalls, fresh cut grass, mountain air, aloe vera lotion, grandma's rhubarb crunch, dutch oven peach cobbler.
6.Volleyball on the beach is way better than in the gym. An incredibly fun form of exercise / social activity. Plus when you get tired there's always building sandcastles.
7.Camping is great for lots of reasons: falling asleep with the mountain breeze in the place of the AC and with the gentle sound of a creek near by, waking up to my Dad making pancakes, not having to wear make up or care what your hair looks like, quality time together.
8.Hiking and being out in nature is good for the soul and the body. The plan is that going hiking together will force my future husband to spend quality time with me, plus keep me in shape (bonus for him). Zions, Moab, Tetons... they're all amazing. My mission Pres. and his wife ran up mountains for their morning Jog. Maybe one day I'll be that cool.
9.The AC regulates the temp in my car way more quickly than the heater does. And sometimes it's just nice to drive around with the windows down. Plus the sun never coats your car in white frozen layers than make you late for work.
10.Some of my favorite childhood memories revolve around eating popsicles on the swingset. Blue sky, green grass, and the sun on my face.
11.I love putting a blanket out on the grass under the tree in my yard and curling up with a good book. The nap the inevitably follows is enjoyable as well.
12.Summer is a great season because the day last longer and the nights are even better. Dusk is the best part of the day. This leads to another reason I love the sun: it goes away for the night. Which makes #13-16 possible
13.Lying under the stars has to one of the most awe inspiring experiences known to mankind. Nothing beats the starts at night back home except for maybe in the the Teton Valley.
14.I love spending times with friends a campfire. That's when you get to know sides of your friends you've never seen before.
15.Taking walks on summer nights with my sister is the best therapy ever. I love my neighborhood at home around dusk. Being able to share everything I think and feel with someone I trust and who won't judge me too harshly is the perfect de-stresser.
16.Fun summer dates: Outdoor concerts and the drive in. Music or a movie, cool summer nights and good company—What a combo!
17.Sundays are better when it's warm. Walking to church becomes a beautiful morning stroll instead of a icy impossible climb up slushy stairs in shoes you're likely to fall to your death in. Wearing heels and a skirt is much more enjoyable when it doesn't involve permanent goosebumps and shivering for 3 hours.
18.Ultimate frisbee and basketball are enjoyable forms of exercise perfect for right after the sun goes down.
19.I like getting a tan. I'll enjoy it more this summer without the tan lines from my missionary shoes, but a good tan on my arms is a sign that I've been enjoying the summer to the fullest.
20.Mountain biking is my new favorite summer hobby. Gotta love the view when you get to the top or the water break by the creek after making it up that last big incline. It even helps me appreciate the shade.
21.So many good memories at the park! Picnics, naps, swings and slides... I love it all.
22.Ridiculous water games: running though the sprinklers, ice blocking, water slides—All fun with a good group of friends. I even like river rafting, hot springs, and boating as long as I don't have to actually get in the water much.
23.Summer attire is way better than winter clothes. I love wearing shorts to bed... much more comfy than long pants in the winter. Something about walking around the yard or down the street barefoot is so liberating. I also love that when I start to get cold in the summer, all I gotta do is throw on a sweatshirt.
24.Summer festivities that involve watermelon, corn on the cob, and snow cones. But nothing beats fresh, sun ripened, hand picked huckleberries, strawberries, and raspberries.
25.The sun makes me feel happy! Give me a good time in the sun and I'm guaranteed to feel at least 3.5x happier. Yes I think I'm in love with the summer and the sun. I was rather depressed when they went away for the winter and am glad our relationship is improving again. Bring on the heat!
1.The sun makes me warm. Those of you who don't have to wear thermals, thick socks, sweaters, and coats to stay warm when the weather drops below 50 degrees may not appreciate the value of being warm, but for me it's a well appreciated luxury; a luxury which let me assure you I don't take for granted.
2.I love eating ice cream especially creamy kinds involving chocolate. But I love eating it even more in the sun. Eating it indoors in the winter and then having to put on another layer of clothing to warm up, just isn't the same.
3.Swimming, or to be more specific, laying out in the sun after a few minutes in the pool is terrific way to spend a Saturday afternoon. It's just so relaxing.
4.I appreciate not having to wear a jacket. Lots of things are more convenient and often more enjoyable while wearing a t-shirt rather than a thick jacket: eating, cuddling, giving hugs, taking a nap, etc.
5.Some of my fav Summer smells: BBQ, waterfalls, fresh cut grass, mountain air, aloe vera lotion, grandma's rhubarb crunch, dutch oven peach cobbler.
6.Volleyball on the beach is way better than in the gym. An incredibly fun form of exercise / social activity. Plus when you get tired there's always building sandcastles.
7.Camping is great for lots of reasons: falling asleep with the mountain breeze in the place of the AC and with the gentle sound of a creek near by, waking up to my Dad making pancakes, not having to wear make up or care what your hair looks like, quality time together.
8.Hiking and being out in nature is good for the soul and the body. The plan is that going hiking together will force my future husband to spend quality time with me, plus keep me in shape (bonus for him). Zions, Moab, Tetons... they're all amazing. My mission Pres. and his wife ran up mountains for their morning Jog. Maybe one day I'll be that cool.
9.The AC regulates the temp in my car way more quickly than the heater does. And sometimes it's just nice to drive around with the windows down. Plus the sun never coats your car in white frozen layers than make you late for work.
10.Some of my favorite childhood memories revolve around eating popsicles on the swingset. Blue sky, green grass, and the sun on my face.
11.I love putting a blanket out on the grass under the tree in my yard and curling up with a good book. The nap the inevitably follows is enjoyable as well.
12.Summer is a great season because the day last longer and the nights are even better. Dusk is the best part of the day. This leads to another reason I love the sun: it goes away for the night. Which makes #13-16 possible
13.Lying under the stars has to one of the most awe inspiring experiences known to mankind. Nothing beats the starts at night back home except for maybe in the the Teton Valley.
14.I love spending times with friends a campfire. That's when you get to know sides of your friends you've never seen before.
15.Taking walks on summer nights with my sister is the best therapy ever. I love my neighborhood at home around dusk. Being able to share everything I think and feel with someone I trust and who won't judge me too harshly is the perfect de-stresser.
16.Fun summer dates: Outdoor concerts and the drive in. Music or a movie, cool summer nights and good company—What a combo!
17.Sundays are better when it's warm. Walking to church becomes a beautiful morning stroll instead of a icy impossible climb up slushy stairs in shoes you're likely to fall to your death in. Wearing heels and a skirt is much more enjoyable when it doesn't involve permanent goosebumps and shivering for 3 hours.
18.Ultimate frisbee and basketball are enjoyable forms of exercise perfect for right after the sun goes down.
19.I like getting a tan. I'll enjoy it more this summer without the tan lines from my missionary shoes, but a good tan on my arms is a sign that I've been enjoying the summer to the fullest.
20.Mountain biking is my new favorite summer hobby. Gotta love the view when you get to the top or the water break by the creek after making it up that last big incline. It even helps me appreciate the shade.
21.So many good memories at the park! Picnics, naps, swings and slides... I love it all.
22.Ridiculous water games: running though the sprinklers, ice blocking, water slides—All fun with a good group of friends. I even like river rafting, hot springs, and boating as long as I don't have to actually get in the water much.
23.Summer attire is way better than winter clothes. I love wearing shorts to bed... much more comfy than long pants in the winter. Something about walking around the yard or down the street barefoot is so liberating. I also love that when I start to get cold in the summer, all I gotta do is throw on a sweatshirt.
24.Summer festivities that involve watermelon, corn on the cob, and snow cones. But nothing beats fresh, sun ripened, hand picked huckleberries, strawberries, and raspberries.
25.The sun makes me feel happy! Give me a good time in the sun and I'm guaranteed to feel at least 3.5x happier. Yes I think I'm in love with the summer and the sun. I was rather depressed when they went away for the winter and am glad our relationship is improving again. Bring on the heat!
Love this city
On days like this, I think I could live in Alexandria for a long time.
Reasons:
The drive down the GW Parkway past the DC monuments on the way to the park was beautiful.
I enjoyed getting to know a new friend... an Kurdish au pair who speaks, Kurdish, german, french, and pretty decent English.
Felt so rejuvenated by a bike ride down to Mount Vernon right along the Potomac river as the sun was setting...perfect!
Didn't even mind getting lost in Arlington as I discovered that Crystal City is way cooler than I realized. If I'm lucky maybe I can convince a date to take me to eat at one of those cool outdoor restaurants this summer.
The benches in Shirlington are pretty great on warm nights.
People watching: skateboarding hippie, the friendly black man on the bike in front of me, the cute family speaking another language at the park. I love going to a park and not being able to understand any of the languages being spoken around me.
Playing near the river with Sam and Isabella, while enjoying a talk with a friend.
Reasons:
The drive down the GW Parkway past the DC monuments on the way to the park was beautiful.
I enjoyed getting to know a new friend... an Kurdish au pair who speaks, Kurdish, german, french, and pretty decent English.
Felt so rejuvenated by a bike ride down to Mount Vernon right along the Potomac river as the sun was setting...perfect!
Didn't even mind getting lost in Arlington as I discovered that Crystal City is way cooler than I realized. If I'm lucky maybe I can convince a date to take me to eat at one of those cool outdoor restaurants this summer.
The benches in Shirlington are pretty great on warm nights.
People watching: skateboarding hippie, the friendly black man on the bike in front of me, the cute family speaking another language at the park. I love going to a park and not being able to understand any of the languages being spoken around me.
Playing near the river with Sam and Isabella, while enjoying a talk with a friend.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
Conference Bliss
This weekend's LDS General Conference is such a contrast from last October, which happened to coincide with some very tumultuous (don't know if I've ever used that word before) events in my life. I love that today I feel excited for the future, rather than stuck in the past. I love that the sun is shining (even though it decided to disappear just for the 2.5 hours I was riding my bike around Alexandria with some friends). I love that conference sessions seems rather short and full of insight rather than long and never ending like that did when I was 9. And I love that next conference my brother and sister will be home to enjoy it with me... that is, as long as I'm home too.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Miracles!
Very touched by this reminder that God is a God of miracles...sometimes even in the way we're praying for. So fitting for this Easter Weekend. Happy Easter!
True Washingtonian
The last few days I have loved being out and about in the city. Spring is such a beautiful season here!
Tree in bloom in the backyard at work
Love, love, love blossoms!
Isabella's new favorite picture pose. This is in the rainforest part of the zoo...way cool!
Such a pretty girl!
Several reasons of late that have made me feel like a true Washingtonian:
1)getting stuck on I-495 traffic (one mile = 20 minutes)
2)successfully navigating my way to the zoo
3)an run with a friend through the falling cherry blossoms that felt for a few moments like of a fairy tale. In less than five miles our run included the airplanes right over head, a beautiful stretch of the Potomac River, Memorial Bridge, Jefferson Monument, and the Cherry Blossoms around the Tidal Basin.
4)an outing to the Natural History Museum and Aquarium (don't waste you're time on the 2nd)
Tree in bloom in the backyard at work
Love, love, love blossoms!
Isabella's new favorite picture pose. This is in the rainforest part of the zoo...way cool!
Such a pretty girl!Several reasons of late that have made me feel like a true Washingtonian:
1)getting stuck on I-495 traffic (one mile = 20 minutes)
2)successfully navigating my way to the zoo
3)an run with a friend through the falling cherry blossoms that felt for a few moments like of a fairy tale. In less than five miles our run included the airplanes right over head, a beautiful stretch of the Potomac River, Memorial Bridge, Jefferson Monument, and the Cherry Blossoms around the Tidal Basin.
4)an outing to the Natural History Museum and Aquarium (don't waste you're time on the 2nd)
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