Seventh and Eighth of Eight to GRADUATE

Class #7 - Permanency & Adoption / Substance Abuse in Primary Families 

Class #8 Family Culture / Ethnicity Issues / Primary Families

I remember driving home from one of our classes and discussing what we had learned and what we felt would be required of us.  Kurt turned to me and kind of caught me off guard by saying that fostering has got to be one of the most Christ-like things you could do.  It's kind of opening up your heart and home to troubled families, caring for their children, and supporting them however you can as they try to resolve their problems so the kids can go back to a happier and healthier home environment.  Christ didn't just hang out with the church-goers. He sought out the poor, the sinners, those in need, and he loved the children.  I guess in a way that made me want to try even harder. 

In our class they said we really need to be over any infertility problems we may be experiencing otherwise we may be less inclined to help the biological parents or be too self focused. I thought that was interesting.  While reunifying foster children to their family is the main goal for both the agency and Kurt and me, I admit I have dreamt of how neat it would be to adopt. I’ve been to the sealing of my brother and sister in law as they were sealed to their little baby girl and often fantasize the emotions and joy that a day like that could mean for me.

Adoption through foster care is pretty “buyer friendly.” With all the financial reimbursements the state government offers the total adoption fee comes out to a whooping total of $0 (unless you count the $25 we spent on our class manual and background checks). Another beautiful blessing. It still blows my mind how expensive adoptions are through private agencies. Almost seems wrong, though I’m grateful there are these avenues for those who want to grow their families.

For our last class we were asked to bring some food item that represents our family culture. Culture is not our race/color it is how we are brought up and raised.  Had I more time to whip something up I would have brought Navajo Tacos but settled for homemade salsa and chips.  One lady brought a common desert, trifle, from England where she was raised; another brought baked spaghetti because her family has spaghetti every Friday. It was fun to taste all the different cultures just within our class.

No matter what happens from here on out I am happy to have learned about foster care from our instructor Nancy Z. She did a fabulous job and I tried to soak up as much as I could handle at once.  Perhaps Kurt and I should have sent out announcements but wanted you to know we have GRADUATED!!

Next step is to get a home study. They will come and check our home for safety and also interview us about our history. That is scheduled for the end of July. We still won’t be ready for hosting foster children until the fall, so don’t get too excited for us yet.

Sixth of Eight

“‘No power or influence can or ought to be maintained … , only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness, and by love unfeigned; …

“‘Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy;

“‘That he may know that thy faithfulness is stronger than the cords of death’ (D&C 121:41, 43–44).

Class #6 Discipline Techniques / Stress Reduction for Foster Families

Being married 6 years has given Kurt and me plenty of time to do our share of parent watching.  We’ve often come home from an evening out and discussed our “findings.” It usually involves the manner of discipline used or the lack there of.  We’ll talk about how we would hope to act in the same situation or maybe try to soak up what was viewed. Parenting styles are so different; it is interesting to decide what will work for us. Yes, you are being watched by those still in training.

Kurt and I have known since our Foster Care Orientation meeting the first of May spanking and other forms of physical discipline would not be allowed on the foster children we host. We would often talk about what we could do instead. Sadly at the time we were baffled to think there might be anything more effective.

We were both spanked as children and always assumed we would use the same force when necessary.  I realized children needed to be punished differently. For me, my dad could simply threaten a spanking and I would change. If he said he was disappointed in me I felt a jab to the heart. Like a little black lab dog I wanted to do whatever made them happy with me.  I have a sister who was different than me. Not that she loved spankings but they did nothing to change her behavior. It wasn’t working but just like Kurt and me, my parents didn’t know what would work better.

Class 6 was long awaited and we eagerly attended with open minds. After all, a big chunk of our plan was being thrown out the window and we needed help with disciplining solutions.  It was interesting for me to realize that often we spank because of our need to feel powerful, let out our own anger, or get revenge.  When I learned this I realized I could never imagine our Heavenly Father spanking any of his children. I had another reason to learn patience and self control.

Something that really impacted Kurt was the contrast between Discipline vs. Punishment.  The root of the word discipline is “disciple” while the root word for punishment is “punitive”.  Is the child doing something because they are willingly following or is our parenting more of the punishment type where they’re just behaving out of fear.

There are few occasions when spanking is as effective as other methods of correcting misbehavior. These may be occasions when there is an immediate need to change a child’s behavior—if he is in imminent danger, for example, or is abusing another child.

Physical punishment, in fact, loses its effectiveness when used with any frequency. The big problem with spanking is that it is generally used for the wrong reasons, as a release for emotions rather than as a means of disciplining the child. No discipline, particularly physical discipline, should be used to vent our anger. – Disciplining with Love (Sept 1985 Ensign)

Here is a list of Discipline Strategies that we came up with as a class

1.       Time out/thinking time

2.       Chores

3.       Communicate the problem – Restitution 

4.       Cool down walk

5.       Re-direct/distract

6.       Loss of privilege/toy time out

7.       Logical consequence – clearly and directly related to the misbehavior

8.       Natural consequence

9.       Bargaining/Compromise/Bribbing

10.   Research/writing assignment

11.   Nap time (HALT= Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired)

12.   Journal writing to vent/Love journal

13.   Post the rules

As we walked out of that class I felt elevated. I knew what I had learned was good stuff. I wanted to share this knowledge with everyone. I’m grateful I’ve had opportunities to practice discipline by working in a daycare, babysitting, at work and in nursery. It makes me happy to know that if I just learn to be more like my Savior my parenting techniques will improve.

Now rather than watching parents I have started noticing the different effects discipline can have on their children. I never want my children to be afraid of me or my temper and I especially pray I don’t pass my struggles on to them.

“When little problems occur, as they inevitably will, restrain yourself. Call to mind the wisdom of the ancient proverb: ‘A soft answer turneth away wrath.’ (Prov. 15:1.)

Fifth of Eight

Class 5 was loaded with information that I tried to soak all in. It was another one of those classes that confirmed the need for every parent (not just foster parents) to be required to take to understand children and themselves.

Class #5 - Grief / Fetal Alcohol / Attachment / Trauma of Children in Foster Care

We first talked about the various forms of grief. When Kurt grieves he shuts down and gets really quiet and doesn’t want to talk. However when I grieve I usually need to discuss it with someone really close (like Kurt) and I want to be held and comforted by him. I don’t like to discuss those hard things with everyone though and don’t like too many sympathy hugs.

We all deal with grief and trauma differently and so do these children. Not only have these kids been abused or neglected but they have been through the trauma of a police officer coming to their home and pulling them away from their parents. Some will cry a lot, some will start wetting their beds, some will be clingy, and some may refuse to talk. Learning to help them at their level of communication will be the tricky part.

Fetal Alcohol Syndrome (FAS) was an interesting topic because I hadn’t ever studied it well enough to know the affects alcohol can have on an unborn baby. The more we learned the more I think it made Kurt nervous to accept a child into our home with this problem.  “Alcohol crosses the placental barrier and can stunt fetal growth or weight, create distinctive facial stigmata, damage neurons and brain structures, which can result in psychological or behavioral problems, and cause other physical damage. Surveys found that in the United States, 10–15% of pregnant women report having recently drunk alcohol, and up to 30% drink alcohol at some point during pregnancy.

The main effect of FAS is permanent central nervous system damage, especially to the brain. this can cause poor memory, attention deficits, impulsive behavior, and poor cause-effect reasoning as well as predispositions to mental health problems and drug addiction” (Wikipedia)

I can’t relay everything we talked about. It would be hard to type up 3 hours of notes, but something that really struck me is how important it is to only place a foster child in one foster home if possible.  When potential foster parents are called, DCFS will give them as much information as they have on the child. They want you to make a comfortable choice about placing the child in your home. If you feel uncomfortable they would rather you say no upfront then ask for the child to be moved later. 

Third and Fourth of Eight

There are certain events in our lives that impact how we see the world, and ourselves and have lasting influences on future actions we make.   I have never considered myself to be good at showing or giving sympathy to the heartaches of others. I know some people have been through experiences that are pretty sad and terrible, but I sometimes find myself thinking “That was a long time ago. Get over it.” As a young girl I knew my family was perfect, but as I grew older I began to see the imperfections come to light in my naïve little head.Class 3 and 4 opened my eyes to a world I never allowed myself to see.

Class #3 Abuse & Neglect / Sexual Abuse, Class #4 Impact of Abuse on Development of Children.

Abuse can be sexual, physical, mental, social or emotional.  And there are many levels of abuse in each of those categories. Any time a mark is left on the body of a child as a form of punishment it is considered abuse.

Neglect is a failure to provide a necessity. For example some parents addicted to drugs may crash on the couch asleep for days leaving young children starving for food and uncared for. A baby cries to communicate a need, but as needs are continually ignored the baby will eventually stop this form of communication since it is not being heard.

These two classes have affected me. We watched two different movies on abuse. One about the physical abuse from a young mother who killed her child and another about a father who sexually abused his two daughters. Even as I write about the classes I feel this evil, yucky feeling overcome me. The material learned was necessary but very heavy for my soul. Honestly I was close to being done with the whole thing. It was remembering the highs I had been on with the previous two classes that help me to realize this low was not the spirit telling me foster care was a bad decision altogether.

 I began to realize the horrible affect abuse and neglect can have on children even causing them to act out in the same manner with their children. I’m sure most of us know someone who has been abused. I wondered if I could offer the sympathy and understanding necessary to help the victims placed in my home.  

Depending on the time the abuse began and the duration of the abuse and the abuser determine the ability of the victim to attach themselves to others. With abuse/neglect trust, self worth and bonding opportunities are likely lost. As we continued to learn more about this my feelings of “Just get over it” turned to sorrow and pity. The two videos we watched caused me to weep for the victim and pity the abuser. 

No family is perfect. The goal is still reunification (depending on the gravity of the abuse) but I am going to really have to focus on the positive aspects of the biological parents rather than the actions that got their child into foster care. In order to help keep these families together I have to have faith in repentance and change.

I don’t want to dwell any longer on this post since it’s a hard one for me to put into words, but I know that the information learned will help me to lean to the side of sympathy and patience rather than my impatient nature I have been fighting. I realize that these horrible experiences are difficult for any person, let alone a child, to simply “get over,” and consistency and love must be my sword and shield. 

Second Of Eight

I’m not sure if I’ve shared this in a prior post, but about 4 years ago I had a pretty amazing visiting teaching companion that was only recently divorced. As she told about her experience she said a lot of her acquaintances would just stare at her. She knew they had questions but they just talked behind her back wondering about it rather than talk to her about what was really going on. “Just ask.” She said it would make things more comfortable. So I’ve found its better just to ask people when I wonder about something.

The Orem building where we take our classes

Foster Class #2 is Utah Licensing Rules / Medical & CPR / DCFS Guidelines. Pretty exciting title I know. This class felt like a lot of book work. We reviewed vocabulary, documents and legal procedures. We were also required to read the entire chapter 2 from our books and sign it off. It took Kurt and I about 4.5 hours outside of class to finally accomplish that task.

Rather than bore you with everything we reviewed I’m going to ask the questions for you and answer them with what I know.

Q1. What’s the process?  Ok so we met with a foster care recruiter who came to our home to answer questions and give us the low down. When she saw we were ready to move forward she gave us a schedule of pre-training classes (8 classes total) that run each month. A packet of paper work is given but can be turned in and filed before all classes have been taken. We both had to get a background check. After graduating from “school” two in home studies are done. One on the safety of the home and one is an interview of all adults 18 and older living in the home. When you’ve passed all this you wait for the phone call.

Q2. Can you decide what age you want? Yep. You let DCFS know what is comfortable for you. Kurt and I decided that we could probably take up to age 6, but are also flexible for sibling groups.

Q3. How many children can you get at a time? As many as you have the room for. DCFS requires a certain amount of space per foster child so if you have the space you can take the child. Kurt and I will just be looking at one or two for right now. We have one extra bedroom with enough space for up to two.  

Q4. How long do they live with you? The amount of time is different depending on the needs of the birth parent and child. The judge will usually give the parents 12-15 months to complete what they need to do (job, home, therapy) to gain custody of their child again.

Q5. Will you be able to adopt your foster children? Well after the 12-15 month period if the parents are not progressing or have not done what they are required to do, the judge can then relinquish their rights. As foster parents we would be given the opportunity to then adopt these children. DCFS would prefer the children stay in the home they have lived in to make it easier on the children.

Q6. Do you get paid or receive some kind of stipend? The nice thing about working with the government is funding they make possible to care for the children under their care. In our case $15 per day would be given per child. $41 per month of that money is required for purchasing new clothing for each foster child. Foster children are also covered under Medicaid until they return to their birth parents or turn 18.

Hopefully this answers most of your questions. I figure any question asked sincerely cannot be taken in offense.  

How will you know if what I choose is right, 

if you don’t understand the struggles I may fight?

How can you judge if what you hear is true, 

if you don’t seek me out and conversation’s few?

Why must you whisper and point fingers as I pass? 

You cannot know me unless, my friend, you ask. 

–Desirée Johnson