He Has Sent Me Here

I am a child of God and He has sent me here.

Has given me an earthly home with parents kind and dear.

Lead me guide me walk beside me help me find the way

Teach me all that I must do to live with him some day.

 I have to be honest I didn't have that "he's my son" feeling when I first met him, but I really feel like Ethan was meant to be in our family. We need him and hopefully he needs us a little bit. I can't imagine how life could be without him. The longer he is with us the more we have all molded together. 

Today we got to take both our boys to the temple to have Ethan sealed to our family. This time around has another special layer because I'm hopeful both boys will remember just a little bit from this event. What a blessing to have these happy energetic beings sealed to us for eternity. I am grateful for the knowledge that I can see my family again after this life; that we can be together forever. 

Thanks to all those who drove the long journey to support us yet again. We love you!

We stopped and celebrated with ice cream at the Malt Shop in Ephraim. Delicious. Then we brought out the blankets and pillows and headed home. On the drive home Ethan said "Mom. I'm part of this family." Yes my sweet boy. Yes you are. 

Thanks to Rebekah Johnson Photography for the pictures. I know you just gave me a sneak peak but I was too impatient to wait for the rest. :) Luff you!

Ethan's Gotcha Day!

What a beautiful day I get to hold on to in my memories forever. It only took 522 days but we made it out with the cutest blessing in the end. After Kurt and I answered questions about why we wanted Ethan to be adopted in to our family, Judge Bartholomew turned to Ethan and said "Ethan, I have just one question for you! Do you want to be adopted in to this family?" Ethan pushed himself up and over to the microphone "YES!" Our family is growing in the bestest way.

O-fish-ally introducing the newest addition to the Kurt 'n Des clan - Ethan Chad Johnson.
Here's how our Adoption played out in pictures:

Ethan got to take packages of Swedish Fish with this tag attached to the kids in his class.

Ethan left the court room for a minute with the bailiff to choose his stuffed animal. He came back super proud with his new George. Asher was given a George at his adoption too. Fitting actually for my two "twinners."

I choose this family.

Our amazing cheerleaders who came to fill up the bleachers

"The only time in court you can make a face and not be in contempt!"

Ethan's AMAZING team fighting for his best interest all along the way.
Our attorney Charisma Buck, DCFS worker Abel Kanigan, Judge Bartholomew, and GAL Stacy Parson

Leaving the Provo court offices and feeling so good.

Ethan was really happy with his choice

The boys wanted me to take a picture of their George's together. Can you tell whose is whose?

The boys with their "prizes." Honestly those stuffed animals mean almost as much to me as they do to these two.

That evening we hosted a Hootananny Pancake party to celebrate. Ethan could eat a half a pan easy. 

The little kids had already finished and we were lucky to catch them as they raced back and forth.

I didn't get a picture of everyone and now I wish I had. Thanks to everyone who came. We LOVE you!

My Family!

Tomorrow, Tomorrow!

Dear Ethan,
What a whirlwind of the last 522 days. I still remember sitting on the porch steps and receiving that phone call. We had been praying for a sibling/friend for Asher and I don't know how the Lord could have answered that prayer more exact. You have been dealt a pretty rough hand so early on in your life.I know that you still don't fully understand what happened that could pull you from the life you once knew, trusted and people you loved to a completely new family and lifestyle with us. I know you miss another mom, other brothers and a sister. People you lived with for the first 4 years of your life. I know that we will not replace the feelings you have for those special people in your heart. I hope I'm not trying to make you.
There is a quote from the soothsayer in Kung Fu Panda that I've loved. "Your story may not have such a happy beginning but that doesn't make you who you are. It is the rest of your story, who you choose to be!"
I promise to be the best mom I can be. I want to help you become the best you. The design of our Heavenly Father, because I know He has sent you here. I see your kind heart, your quiet way with people and your desire to do what's right. I know you have potential for great things and I'm excited to watch you grow.
Someone recently compared adoptions as a mix between a birthday and a funeral. As long as this may feel like a struggle, I hope to make it through together.
You are so loved by so many. I love you! Honestly I'm pretty dang excited for tomorrow. You add a beautiful dynamic to our crazy, and now I can't imagine it without you.
Sweet dreams little E-man. Until tomorrow. I love you forever.
-Mom

Voluntarily relinquished, really? Voluntarily?

 I needed to be at a class that started at almost the same time, so Kurt decided to go to court solo. Because she was in jail bio mom came in her prison jump suit and shackles on her ankles and wrist. Kurt says the hearing was quick. They basically told her what her options and rights where and asked if she had made a decision to which she replied that she had. She said she wanted to voluntarily relinquish. They then played 20 questions asking if she'd been bribed to make this decision. Asking if she was sober. Was she aware of the consequences etc.... They then explained what this decision meant (he is no longer hers etc...). Then the judge asked her why she made the decision and she simple said basically "Desiree and Kurt have been amazing to him and I know he's well off there." Then the judge said "So you're doing this out of love for Ethan?" and she said "Yes."  Then her attorney asked the judge to allow the foster parent to talk to Cassandra. So Kurt was called forward (SOOO glad it wasn't me). Kurt told Cassandra that he had just texted me and I wrote back that I was bawling. He told her that we both hurt for her and we know you love Ethan and we're aware of how much he loves you and his siblings and want that relationship to continue. He told her that we would do our best to take care of him and provide for his needs.  Then it was over. She was escorted out and the case worker suggested we start thinking how to tell Ethan. I feel horrible for her. For her loss. I feel sad that she couldn't defeat her addiction and I know she must be aching inside knowing she is losing everything. She knew her time was up and all the power she had left was to voluntarily relinquish. 

I was signing up the boys for the nursery/daycare center during my TBRI class when Kurt sent me the text that she was relinquishing. I couldn't help it. I started bawling. Ethan didn't notice but Asher asked why. I just said I would tell him later. When I was handing in all the paper work the gal asked if I was ok and I just bawled. She handed me two tissues. How were we gonna tell Ethan?

So Kurt wanted to tell Ethan the news that evening. I wanted to wait until I had more time (I had mutual that evening). So after dinner we sent Asher downstairs to play with his cousins. Ethan wanted graham crackers and milk so we told him as he was eating. He was trying to hold back his tears but under his eyes were all wet. All I really remember is "I don't want to be a Johnson!!"  He didn't want me to touch him for a bit and wanted to be alone. We let the boys watch a show a little later and he said I could rub his back. I stayed home from mutual so I could rub him down. We talked again when the boys where in bed and he was calmer. Slowly he seems to be coming around and he has even called me Mom several times since. I'm sure that's a BIG adjustment. I asked the case worker to come and just confirm what we had told Ethan so he stopped by the following Thursday. After that Ethan came up and said "You're my favorite mom." That's saying something. He choose to get "baptized" sealed in the Manti Temple which is dandy. So we just need to get through the trial June 8 which I just got subpoenaed for. That's because Bio Dad did not relinquish so we go to trial. Should be pretty quick. Then we'll get our adoption date and can schedule a sealing date. Suddenly feels like its moving.

Permanency Hearing

It's probably fear of being hurt again because I wanted and lost, but I know I've really put a fence around my heart this time around with Ethan. I love him to be sure. It's hard not to when you serve such a cute kid for so long. With so many of our other placements I knew whether they would be mine or not just by the feelings I had with them, but with Ethan it was different. I was happy thinking he'd get to go home and i felt happy thinking he'd get to stay with us.
A few weeks ago while sitting during a church sacrament meeting I suddenly got a strong feeling of anxiety thinking about Ethan having to go home. We were coming up on the permanency hearing which would determine if his mom would be granted more time to get requirements done and get sober or if we move to termination of rights.
I've been trying to be supportive and helpful. I would encourage his mom at visits or team meetings. I would tell her how much her son loved and missed her. And when she stopped coming to visits I sent pictures and videos via Facebook. I even had Ethan call and Facetime her because he needed to see her. I was trying to help push for reunification but as I sat in that church building thinking about him I felt a pain believing he may go back. I try and push aside those feelings because it's not fair to anyone really. Especially not the foster child or the bio parents, but as we got closer to the hearing I would continually catch myself hoping it would be over. Hoping an extension would not be granted because I didn't feel it was merited. We hadn't had an actual visit in over 3 months!
The days couldn't come quick enough. Ethan hoped and prayed his mom would be at court. He was looking forward to seeing her. I wanted her to be there to, for him.
I woke this morning and said another quick prayer that this would not drag on any longer if Ethan wouldn't end up going home. Let it end so he can begin to settle and find where he belongs again. Limbo is confusing. When we got to the court house Ethan found his sister and began playing with her. The case worker came to fill me in on what they would be recommending to the judge. The father of the older two kids (Ethan's half siblings) was almost ready to be given custody so they needed to give him an extension but the case worker was hoping the judge wouldn't give one to Ethan's mom at the same time. I was worried that would happen. Worried the process would drag on one hearing after another.
We were guided back to the court room and formalities with the kids began. The judge asking them how they were doing. Then he surprised me by asking one of the foster parents to come to the stand and report on Ethan. Kurt nudged me up. My heart was pounding. "So what's he learning/doing in preschool?" Umm his letters?   Ha I wasn't prepared at all "He does crafts and is learning to read small words. He is making friends. He goes with my son who is only 2 months older." I was so nervous I got a little choked up even! There was nothing to cry about!!
The kids were then excused and it was determined bio dad for the older two would get his needed extension for help getting housing and we would move to terminate mom's rights. A date was set up to determine the termination hearing. So basically a hearing to plan another hearing. Wha?!!  The grandma of the older two kids leaned over and asked if I wanted to adopt Ethan. "I was hoping his mom would get him back, but Asher will be so thrilled and I love him. "I know you do" she whispered.
That's when it started flooding in. I wanted to bawl right then and there. Joy and sorrow welled in my heart. Joy I was closer to adopting, I knew Asher would be so happy and the fun having two boys in the same grade and being my "twins" was a pretty entertaining thought. Sorrow because I knew not so far away there was a lady who has been torn down by an addiction that she can't seem to overcome, she was losing her children, and there was a little boy who called her mom that would be heartbroken knowing he wouldn't get to reunite with her again and play with all of his beloved and unforgotten toys.
Since mom didn't come to the hearing I sent her a Facebook message letting her know I was heart broken for her. I told my family and then had to run and pick up Asher from preschool. I was 5 minutes late and by that time I could hold my feelings no longer. I started bawling. I felt so bad his preschool teachers had to behold my drama and I tried to control myself quickly and get out of there.
As we got to the car Asher looked at me seriously and said "Mom, how did court go?" "It went fine. The judge needs us to keep Ethan longer." Oh to capture the joy and happiness of a five year old boy who took that to mean "We are adopting Ethan." Asher gasped in excitement and jumped happily in the car.
I think something pried open a hole in the fence around my heart because today as I watched Asher and Ethan playing together I felt a great sense of love, not just for Asher but Ethan too.