Why Not You?

Every time we've fostered I'm constantly running in to people who have fostered also, people who find it amazing that anyone would take on such a "task," or people who have thought about doing it but haven't. Why not? Fostering can be hard but ANYONE can do it. Let "amazing" come to your home. There is a fear of the unknown each and every time you accept a child in your home, but aren't those similar feelings when you're pregnant? You pray that they come healthy and that their personality will mesh with the family. That you'll love them and get along well. 

The question I get the most is "But isn't it hard when they have to leave?" Like it's the worse thing that could happen. I think loving them that much would actually help you serve them better. Less like babysitting and more like another member of the family. Sure I'll miss several of the cute things my boys would say or do but in a way I'm allowing just enough time for the family to come back together. I'm simply offering a safe haven until theirs is ready again.  

Life throws a lot of curve balls at you; I mean it hasn't gone the way I had planned or hoped at first. When we agreed to foster I asked the Lord to help me to know when a child was to be mine. I asked that I wouldn't get attached or feel angry when a child was to go home. He has blessed me with my request and has also allowed me to see the importance of families, and that our willingness to repent is a show of love. Love to Him and love to family. 

Manny and Rayden were permitted to return with family today. Now that they're gone I look back and wonder what all the fuss was about. I'm grateful not to have to tend 3 small boys so close in age, but selfishly I'm also kinda sad that it didn't work out in favor of our own family. We're set on reunification but this is also our means of growing our forever family. These two, like with Braylon, just never felt like they were mine unlike the feelings I got with Asher, but I learn much with each one. I'm so grateful they have a loving aunt that is loyal and dependable. She made "handing" them back ok. 

Good bye Manny boy and Ray Ray. Maybe we'll meet again, until then I'll be praying the best for you.

Fortune Cookie

The last 4 weeks have surely allowed me to taste the odd flavors of bitter and sweet. Having 3 little ones is HARD! Let's see my day looks something like this: 
7ish - I start hearing the squeals of one or more of them
7:20 - Up, dressed and pouring milk in sip-pies for the older two and shaking up a bottle of formula for the baby.
7:30 - All three kids and I are shut into Asher's room. They each take turns getting their diaper changed and their clothes on.
8:00 - Breakfast. Whatever I can come up with. Lately it helps to get everyone started on a clementine. That'll give me a bit of time to scrounge up the next food item without the whines and demands and leg grabbings. 
8:30 - I eat cereal while the kids play or watch "The Wiggles"
9:00 - Already been to the timeout corner 5 times for screaming, pushing or disobeying.
9:15 - Second round of diaper changes. This time they are all poopy.
9:30-10:30 - Get out of the house to go any where! Park, Cabella's, Store... It just takes half an hour to get them all in the car.
11:30 - Lunch
12:00 - After a few more rounds of serious explosions from me and time outs for them :) diapers are changed, and we sit down for a few books
12:30 - Hallelujah it's NAP TIME!
2:00 - First round of kids wake up. Get drinks and snack.
2:45-3 - Last of the kids are up now. Ditto above plus change diapers
4:00 - Feed Gooch all together and go get the mail. I start dinner.
5:00 - Daddy's Home!!! We love daddy!! We eat.
6-7:00 - If we're lucky we head to the park then bathes
7:30 - Scriptures, prayers, Bedtime!, and recovery

It's not that the kids are that bad at all. Plus Manny and Rayden spend about 3 days a week now from 9am-7pm with their aunt (the same one that is trying to get custody of them). It's just that I feel busy. I feel like my patience bucket runs out really really fast and I feel like it's taking the happy out of me. I hear myself and think how crappy of a role model I'm being for my own child. 
But there are tender moments too. It's fun to see them play together. They are all 3 absorbing so much. Manny repeats prayers, loves the radio turned up so he can sing and dances to wheels on the bus. Rayden has taken his first steps and now says Mom-ma. They eat well and go down for bed like angels. 
Every week since the two boys have been placed with us we've been told they would be leaving that Thursday. Well another Thursday has come and gone and we are still shaking up formula and emptying the diaper genie every other day. I'm really not sure when it'll happen but please don't tell me next Thursday!

Today is date night and while Kurt and I could really use  the alone time we decided to pack up the kiddos and grab some food to go and have a picnic at the park. By the time Kurt got home I had showered and dressed up, all the kids had their shoes on and their hair combed. 
We decided on Pollo Loco except Kurt said he'd let me get Chinese at the Panda Express drive through. 
There is a beautiful park in American Fork by AFJr that I've only been to a few times. We decided to go there and picnic. After the kids had finished up and ran off to play I pulled out my fortune cookie. Kurt jokingly guessed it would tell me that I would no longer be the parent of 3 kids or that they would be leaving soon, but instead I read 

"Your ability to love will help a child in need." 

I cried. I remember before fostering children I did indeed have a lot of love to offer. It was like a ball of feeling I could almost grab and hand out. I knew that I could love many more and I looked forward to the day I would be given that opportunity. I do love Manny, and I do love Rayden. I know it's not to the ginormous extent I feel for Asher but I want them to have the same blessings and to be placed in a home that will feed their zest for life. I also want them to feel the love of a Heavenly Father just as I so often do.
This is a crazy hard time with three little ones but I feel a new determination to offer these two beautiful boys a wadded up ball of love I have inside me, all because of a fortune in a cookie. 

  

Please just maybe offer a teeny prayer that I will allow the Savior to heal my lack of patience. 

Here We Go Again!

About 4 or 5 months ago Kurt and I began discussing whether or not we would like to eventually have a sibling for Asher. At that time with selling and moving from our home and trying to keep up with Asher I felt almost completely satisfied. Sure I wanted a sibling for Asher so he would have someone to grow up with, but for me personally I felt done, finished, couldn't ask for more. Life was wonderful and I didn't want to mess it up. I had everything on my wish list: hubby, place to live, gospel and Asher.
Not sure what it was but fostering continued to linger at the back of my mind. Maybe it was the 3 different phone calls during the summer asking if I would be fostering soon. I knew we would do it again especially since our only adoption route through LDS Family Services was ending, but I just wasn't sure when. I actually asked DCFS if we could put some kind of hold on our fostering license for a year until we could move out of my parents home (they're serving a mission in Alabama), but they said no. We got my parents home inspected and licensed and suddenly a mere desire to move forward crept in.
I was really holding off calling our RFC to let him know that we were ready. We had too many trips planned that I wanted to get through first. Then the upcoming potty training of Asher became the priority and I figured it'd be nice to wait until after that.
Last Saturday night at an adult session of stake conference we stood to sing "I'll Go Where You Want Me To Go" and the words "I'll be what you want me to be" stung my heart. The Lord wanted me to be a foster mom. I wasn't 100% ready to claim that title again but I wanted to BE what my Heavenly Father wanted of me. Matthew 16:25, For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: and whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall find it, was referenced more than 3 times during the session and I figured I needed to do my share of "dying" to find myself in the end. I prayed the Lord would loan me all the spiritual gifts I would need to be what He wants me to be.
Monday rolled around and I knew I would be calling in to proclaim our availability but I also knew that I would call and a child would be placed with me that same day. I have been dreaming about this day at night and random day dreams and I was always asked almost immediately to take a child that had just come up. I was nervous to make the actual call and avoided the deed until almost 1pm. Dan, our RFC, said he was glad to hear from me and did have a 1 year old and a 5 year old ready but since I'd only gotten approval for under 2 by the senior community HOA it didn't meet the criteria. (Side note, I still think about that first sibling group and hope it wasn't meant for my home). Dan said that he gets crazy so to call back from time to time to keep us fresh on his mind. I was relieved actually and figured maybe the Lord really was allowing me to finish potty training and me time. HA! Not 3 hours later Dan called back. Oh no! My gut always takes a dive when he calls. He said he had a 1 year old and a 2 1/2 year old. Both boys and there may be a chance that they could be adopted. They do have 3 teenage siblings they would try to foster in one home but couldn't get all five together.
Kurt was home so I frantically fanned him to listen in. He was a go. I reminded him that there were TWO, still a go. Ok. "Yes. No we don't need to take time to think more about it." Probably just freak myself out. I cried. It was mostly fear mixed with a cup of excitement and a dash of uncertainty. My life was about to change again. Why could I not relish the bits and pieces of joy I was so indulging or at least take it a little slower. I mean this is kinda scary. Guess I should go read Matthew 16:25 again.
As fate would have it we had already invited Mandy and Braylon (our first foster boy) over for dinner and Family Night. When the case worker came they were nice to have around for a bit. I loved having them included in our family night program as well. We were able to get a picture will all 4 of our foster/fostered children.

Mandy and Braylon doing so well. We are so proud of Mandy.

Braylon, Manny, me, Ray, Kurt and Asher

Wow is all I have to offer you moms of multiple children. I made it through my first day mostly alone and I finally truly understand why everyone is SO glad when Daddy comes home. It's not that the kids where hard I was just wiped out, grateful for two more hands. I love Daddy!
Ps: Thanks to a very thoughtful little sister that brought two candy bars and the happiest flower bouquet ever and for the 3 balloons, one for each of my kids. I know I probably scared you when I cried when I saw your offering but it really buoyed me up today.
Introducing Manny (2 1/2 yrs old) and Rayden (10 mths) to the never ending adventure at the Johnson home.

So cute when these two play together, but oh how they fight.

Our Adoption Day

One year ago today we "floated" to the American Fork courthouse to finally adopt our little guy. I can't believe it's been 1 year already and yet at the same time I can't believe it's only been a year. It's getting harder to remember life before adopting Asher. I love him. To celebrate I've reread a few blog posts and watched his little video I made almost a dozen times already.
Being a mom for sure has it's challenges. Just feeling like you're not making a mark in the world can often creep in and blind your eternal view, but I can honestly say that I love being a Mother. Best job I've had so far.
I'm looking outside at the rain as I type wondering how we should commemorate our special day. Looks like hiking or biking is out for now. I suppose most importantly I don't want to forget how we got to this point. How we could look back and see Heavenly Father laying the framework to answer our prayers. How we still can.

Happy Happy Adoption Day to us! May we celebrate many more years together.

Pictures from last Saturday's adventure hiking to Cecret Lake and Lisa Falls.

Home Is Where the Heart Is

It's not you! There's nothing you did or could have done better. You were fabulous, truly special and I can honestly say that I love you. Really it's all me. I guess you could say that I need something different. I'm moving on. Searching for the bigger and better from the world.
I know! I know! I'm really going to miss all the flowers, warm nights and not to mention how easy on the eyes you are. The friends I've made because of you... all top notch. That's why my leaving is so hard. I've cried and oh how I will miss you. For a few moments there I thought I just might take you back; hang on to you forever! NO NO NO! I can't! They say change is good. It'll be better for both of us in the end. I don't know how another woman could love you more than I do. I mean, I know your darkest corners, all your secrets and imperfections. I know your greatest achievements and strengths. You will make new memories; we both will. I will miss you my friend. Like a first boyfriend or lover you will always be in my thoughts or at the back of my mind.
They say home is where the heart is, and a piece of my heart will always, always belong to you.

I remember while our house was being built Kurt and I would sit in the living room around and gawk at the progress every few days. Imagining how our lives would play out in such a beautiful home. We truly made it our own with Kurt's carpentry skills and my "to do" lists. Our hard work paid off and we lived comfortably, happily and peacefully here. Some of my most precious memories.
The journey continues and I'm sure this adventure won't disappoint...my life has been forever shaped from the time I lived in Colony Pointe.

One of my most favorite "rooms" of the house. The Hummingbird Room

We're #1!

Kurt and I have both remarked at how it seems utterly impossible to love another little human as much as we adore our baby Asher. Of course there are some people who would argue that our baby is a baby no longer. Do we really have a toddler on our hands? Has it really been a whole year (almost) since we were so blessed to welcome him into our home? 

Asher taking his first steps. Most of these are videos so I didn't get any fabulous still shots.

Today Asher turned 1; our 12 teeth, 24lb 14oz, 32.7in, cheese stick and fruit leather loving bundle of happy. I'll confess I have had birthday decorations up since last Tuesday! I guess I was excited enough for both of us. When I started planning I asked Kurt if he had any theme suggestions or color scheme preferences for the party to which he warned me not to go overboard. After pushing for an answer though he said "We're #1!" And that was it.  We had a family birthday party Sunday Jan. 26th and enjoyed yummy food and company.

Found "We're #1" suckers at Oriental Trading. Kids loved them

Didn't want to even try the cake! It was wiped all over his legs and the floor :) 

Today was almost like Christmas morning. I was excited to greet my smiley face boy this morning and looked forward to the festivities as a family. He got to open his present from us (a ukulele), have a second try at the cake eating thing, go swimming and see the fish at Cabela's. Of course we did have to squeeze in two shots at the doctor's and a nap but other than that it was a fabulous day. I mean he even had his very first PB&J which he loved. 

He was fine until the nurse came in. (Doctor said he's the size of an average 2yr old. My back agrees)

Trying out his new toy with a jam session with Daddy

Our second try at getting Asher to actually eat some of the cake

After dropping everything on the floor he put his finger in his mouth and couldn't stop licking

 Lots of pointing going on at Cabela's. He even spoke fish (opening and closing his mouth lots).

 

Happy Happy Birthday to my open mouth kissing, head banging, baby Einstein watching, almost walking, grunting, food devouring, bottle weaning, fish and swim loving and biggest blessing Asher boy.