Re-birth

For a time there, I lost my words. Life, as I knew it, became too unmanageable. I was not myself. I was unhappy with my lifestyle, my choices, my thoughts, my dreams.

I took some time for myself. I embraced my inner hermit...shut down, closed off, distanced myself. I found a therapist. I read self-help books. Lots of self-help books. At times, it was not an easy process...scratch that. It was fucking hard. I upset people, I lost people, I made people angry. I angered myself, I disliked myself, I beat up myself.

Most of the time, though, it was enlightening. Freeing. Exhilarating. I owned up to my actions. I became responsible for my own joy. I let go of negativity, old baggage, resentment. I let go of old habits. Bad habits. I found new people who were experiencing some of the same. I struck up new friendships with those people, stole from their strength and offered my own in return. I took hold of relationships and friendships that I'd let slide, made them stronger, more important once again.

Most meaningful of all, I found my truth. My bottom line. My happiness. Something that I'm not sure I have ever known.

Through it all, I did not write much. Those experiences, those thoughts, those emotions, I kept them locked up tight, for only me to hear. I feel like I'm bubbling over with the need to spill them out now. My keyboard clicks, my pen flows, and I feel better.

I lost my words. Nine and a half months later, I've found them again. Call it a re-birth, call it what you will. I am back, and I am me, and that simple fact makes me the happiest that I've ever been.

Love/Hate

I love that one day I will be over you, yet hate that thinking of it makes me so unbearably empty.

I hate that the mere thought of you can bring tears to my eyes, yet love that sometimes those same thoughts make me want to punch you, hard, right in the throat.

I love that you are jealous at the thought of me going on a date with someone new, yet hate the fact that me knowing that will ruin the chances of anyone new.

I hate that you will not leave me alone like I've asked of you, yet love that you disregard my wishes.

I love that most of the time that I can ignore your calls and texts, yet hate the fact that sometimes I still cave and answer, just so I can hear your voice.

I hate that I let myself fall for it over and over again, yet love the fact that each time I do, I get a little bit stronger.

I love that for a few hours, things were as they used to be, yet hate how empty I felt inside after you were gone.

I hate that you know my thoughts so fucking well, yet love it that you will call me on them when I'm lying.

I love that you texted me to tell me you were there safe and to enjoy my weekend, yet hate that I am now reminded that you're across the country with a bunch of single guys.

I hate that you have this hold over me, yet love that I have a similar hold over you.

I love the way that you make me feel so beautiful, yet hate it at the very same time.

I hate that you can't give me your heart, yet love that, after everything, I am still able to give you mine.

I love that we have that special song, yet hate that now I have to turn it off as soon as I hear it.

I hate that we met at a time when you were so emotionally stunted and unavailable, yet love that we got to share that time together.

I love that you tried so hard to make it work, yet hate that ultimately, it didn't.

I hate my moments of weakness, yet love my moments of strength.

I love that I am still in love, yet hate the fact that it's with you.

My "Imaginary" Friend

Last week, I did something that I've never done before. I met one of my blogging friends.

As I sat on the bench outside of the pub, I remember thinking to myself "This is crazy. You HATE small talk. What the F you going to talk about for the next hour?"

Ends up that all of my worries were unnecessary. Five minutes after shaking hands, we were talking of ex-boyfriends, husbands, and our dogs...after having read a few years of history, it just felt natural. Two pints, many laughs, and a goodbye hug later, I was so very glad that my nerves hadn't let me cancel.

As far as 'blind dates' go, I'd have to say this was one of the very best I'd ever been on, because out of this one came a new friend. Thank you, Tara. Can't wait to do it again soon!

There are no words

Life is awesome.

So awesome, that after a month filled with said awesomeness, a month of dates, a month of flowers, a month of traveling out of town to stay with parents and meet siblings and old hockey buddies, a month of hope....it's over. Mostly my choice...some his...but it's done. Kaput. Finito. Five months of his baggage not being dealt with was just too much for me to handle.

I know I need to explain the whole situation as I've always been pretty vague about it, but for now, I need to go and pick up the pieces of my broken little heart. Again.

I am getting way too old for this crap.

There's no notice like short notice

You know what's really super wicked awesome?

When the boy you've been dating for a few months calls to ask if you want to go for coffee this afternoon, and at the end of the conversation he throws in "oh yeah, my mom is coming too...okthanksbye". His mom, who I have Never. Met. Before.

He, of course, picks the day that I don't wash my hair, and decided to pair a ratty old black t-shirt with my work pants.

If you need me, I'll be running to buy a new shirt and to see if I can locate a damn curling iron anywhere. And quite possibly puking in my garbage can from nerves.

That is all.

Yes, I would jump off a cliff if everyone else was doing it...

In a copying kinda mood, so I borrowed this post idea from the lovely cdp at Tortious.


Go to http://photobucket.com.
Type in your answer to each question in the search box.
Use only the first page.
Copy the html and paste for the answer.
Let the games begin!

1. What is your relationship status?



2. Who is your celebrity crush?
Have you seen this guy's body? JEEBUS! I cannot wait for Lipstick Jungle on Thursday nights now, as I just know that there will be a delightful nekkid scene featuring this guy and his abs.....*drool*



3. Who is your favorite band?


4. What is your favorite movie?



5. What kind of pet do you have?


6. Where do you live?


7. Where do you work?


8. What do you look like?


9. What do you drive?


10. What's your favorite TV show?


11. Describe yourself.


12. What's your name?


13. What's your favorite candy?

The vent before the storm

Sometimes, it's better to vent BEFORE the actual conversation. Without further ado...


Spoke with some mutual acquaintances today. I felt like quite the idiot when, asked how everything was going, I told them that I thought things were going pretty good and that we'd been spending quite a bit of time together....imagine my surprise to hear that word on the street is that you're not really spending any time with me. I feel like a fool. I don't care to be anyone's secret, and thought we'd gotten past that this time, but looks like I was wrong. Again. I thought, based on our conversations over the past week, that this is what you wanted. One thing I do know is that I will NOT be your "Oh, that chick? I'm just banging her" girl. In my world, people don't talk like that, especially not about someone that they've told is "the best thing in my life." If coming across as the big man in front of your buddies is more important than sharing your happiness, then I'm thinking that this is most definitely not the game for you, pal.