Love/Hate

I love that one day I will be over you, yet hate that thinking of it makes me so unbearably empty.

I hate that the mere thought of you can bring tears to my eyes, yet love that sometimes those same thoughts make me want to punch you, hard, right in the throat.

I love that you are jealous at the thought of me going on a date with someone new, yet hate the fact that me knowing that will ruin the chances of anyone new.

I hate that you will not leave me alone like I've asked of you, yet love that you disregard my wishes.

I love that most of the time that I can ignore your calls and texts, yet hate the fact that sometimes I still cave and answer, just so I can hear your voice.

I hate that I let myself fall for it over and over again, yet love the fact that each time I do, I get a little bit stronger.

I love that for a few hours, things were as they used to be, yet hate how empty I felt inside after you were gone.

I hate that you know my thoughts so fucking well, yet love it that you will call me on them when I'm lying.

I love that you texted me to tell me you were there safe and to enjoy my weekend, yet hate that I am now reminded that you're across the country with a bunch of single guys.

I hate that you have this hold over me, yet love that I have a similar hold over you.

I love the way that you make me feel so beautiful, yet hate it at the very same time.

I hate that you can't give me your heart, yet love that, after everything, I am still able to give you mine.

I love that we have that special song, yet hate that now I have to turn it off as soon as I hear it.

I hate that we met at a time when you were so emotionally stunted and unavailable, yet love that we got to share that time together.

I love that you tried so hard to make it work, yet hate that ultimately, it didn't.

I hate my moments of weakness, yet love my moments of strength.

I love that I am still in love, yet hate the fact that it's with you.

My "Imaginary" Friend

Last week, I did something that I've never done before. I met one of my blogging friends.

As I sat on the bench outside of the pub, I remember thinking to myself "This is crazy. You HATE small talk. What the F you going to talk about for the next hour?"

Ends up that all of my worries were unnecessary. Five minutes after shaking hands, we were talking of ex-boyfriends, husbands, and our dogs...after having read a few years of history, it just felt natural. Two pints, many laughs, and a goodbye hug later, I was so very glad that my nerves hadn't let me cancel.

As far as 'blind dates' go, I'd have to say this was one of the very best I'd ever been on, because out of this one came a new friend. Thank you, Tara. Can't wait to do it again soon!

There are no words

Life is awesome.

So awesome, that after a month filled with said awesomeness, a month of dates, a month of flowers, a month of traveling out of town to stay with parents and meet siblings and old hockey buddies, a month of hope....it's over. Mostly my choice...some his...but it's done. Kaput. Finito. Five months of his baggage not being dealt with was just too much for me to handle.

I know I need to explain the whole situation as I've always been pretty vague about it, but for now, I need to go and pick up the pieces of my broken little heart. Again.

I am getting way too old for this crap.