Self-saboteur.

The logistics of all things debaucherous don't seem to be working out at all. We're all scheduled to catch Spiegeltent on the 11th; a day after my original last day of assignments (the 10th, which would've been perfect in theory). Now that my thesis has been pushed back, there is no feasible way I'll be done by the 11th in any form or manner, and on top of that, the uncle-who-owns-the-place has plans to arrive for a "short" holiday come early November. If negotiating having fun on the 11th was hard before (with the mountain of work looming over my shoulder), it's now doubly annoying with his presence since B obviously has to stay over seeing as it'll be way past midnight after Spiegeltent, and there isn't a car or anything and living in the 'burbs does that to you...

So not only do I have to worry about turning my 100-419 paper (hopefully the thesis'll have been done by then!) in in due time post-Spiegeltent and B-staying-over, there's also the awkwardness of the uncle being there and generally having to work around that. Ugh!

Scheduled to meet with the Sup on Thursday and there's still so much work to get through... this thesis is like a CANCER on my soul.

***

Just once in my life
I think it'd be nice
Just to lose control, just once
With all the pretty flowers in the dust

"Lose control" - Evanescence

Apparition.

Today was probably one of the worst days of my entire university life. Running on 2 hours of sleep after rushing two and a half thesis sections for the afternoon's meeting with the Sup, dying through an excruciating tute, and then getting the rudest shock ever during the actual meeting.

She certainly let me have it; no punches pulled. I've never, EVER had anyone say such things about my work before! Granted, the Sup's been so utterly nice and supportive all this while that the shift in attitude itself was the biggest shock of all. I probably deserved it, though. It came as a total reality check: my work sucks. My thesis sucks. My entire work ethic sucks... I suck. Not in so many words -- she didn't actually have to spell it out really -- but the underlying message was clear. And all this after I'd quite smugly sent the entire thing off to her in the morning...

The strange thing is, after an entire year of walking all over her and taking her for granted, this is the very first time that I actually feel compelled to write this thesis at least partially for the Sup. It was always about mememe before -- what I wanted, when I could make it, how much (or little) I could get away with doing... I think I owe it to her now; at least to the extent that I've completely maxed out all the favours that she could possibly have granted me. I have to fix this.

There's way too much happening all at once. The uncle coming over. Missing B (and how!). The non-existent thesis. The sorta best friend in flogging-land visiting. E. Spiegeltent. B's birthday. 100-419. The other uncle coming over. The dad's birthday. Flogging-land. Work. Thesisness. Organizing the family getaway. Leaving B behind...

***

"You work so hard to make her think you don't care, that you don't need her, but a guy goes nuts if he ain't got nobody. It don't make no difference who the guy is, as long as he's with you. I tell you, I tell you a guy gets too lonely and he gets sick." - Ben from Lost on "Of Mice and Men"

Inhaler.

6.20am and 12, 465 words and still no closer to being done than I was two days ago... I have so. fucking. much. to cull and re-edit it's not even funny! asdfjkkjj.......

la belle déception says:
I wish this thesis had a reward system. Like, finish this section (or however many words), and you get two days off to do whatever.
IBEK says:
if I was over at your place... I'm sure we'd think of an appropriate reward system!

***

"It must be really comforting to know that a person can't not love you no matter how horrible you really are."

For all we know.

The latest ep of BSG (S3 E04) has got to be the ALL TIME BEST, ever (ever ever EVER!!!). More than made up for Lost's blah showing this week (although Love Actually hottie Rodrigo Santoro has officially joined the cast <3). YAY Adama! Yay Lee! Poor Tigh...

My room is destined to be in a perpetual state of disorganized mess from now til the 10th of November. Books on the bed, notes and files cluttering the floor, and post-its peeking from every nook and cranny. The aim is the entire draft by Tuesday Thursday, and plenty of culling the week after so as to get the entire thing down to just under 13.2k (the record to beat is 13,197 ;p) in time for the 1st. It probably can be done, iunno, but I'm certainly going to try...!

***

I cannot believe that the only thing keeping me going through this hell of the next two weeks is GONE! The uncle has apparently made plans to arrive here early November, the exact same period that yours truly is finally supposed to be done with all the fucking mountain of work. I have to see B! I need my scheduled party(s)! The stayovers, the booze, the debauchery! ARGH!!!

***

Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. - Lifter

She'll let you take her home
It whets her appetite
She'll lay you on her throne
She's got Bette Davis eyes

She'll take a tumble on you
Roll you like you were dice
Until you come out blue
She's got Bette Davis eyes

"Betty Davis Eyes" - Kim Carnes

Even more thesis whinging.

You have been warned; skip this post if you're over the ritual thesis-slamming.

This thesis is seriously sapping the utter life from me. 5 hours of analysing SGEM speeches later, yours truly is no closer to finishing than commencing. At this rate, my two-week-long extension (on the grounds of the admin fuckup; guess it came in handy afterall) is not going to count for much at all. As with all the other assignment whinging, however, it'll almost certainly be done by then. It's just a helluva shithole of 3 weeks to have to plough through from now til then, and even at this late date I'm sure I'll find countless ways of procrastinating. On the bright side, I actually will be completely done for the semester in 3 weeks, give or take. Oh mark my words, the liberties to be indulged in then...

Also: Amy Lee is a god(dess). Anyone who hasn't heard Evanescence's latest album absolutely needs to do so, now! How gorgeous is her voice?! If you thought Fallen was good, The Open Door completely surpasses it, bar none. Personal recommendations include Lacrymosa (track 7 - love!!!), Weight of the World (track 3), and Good Enough (track 13).

***

Drink up sweet decadence
I can't say no to you
And I've completely lost myself and I don't mind
I can't say no to you

"Good Enough" - Evanescence

Vogue.

Today is an 'okay' (note: okay, not great) day as far as days spent slogging on the thesis go. I have, to date, a whopping (but really not-so-wow when you think about it) 9.5k of "stuff", all of which does not include the analysis or discussion that is supposed to be incorporated, although I have actually been substantially industrious over the past 8 hours, if I do say so myself. Tomorrow I see Umi with what has to be more than two-thirds of the entire thesis, of which I probably do have at this point, although it is in entirely no state to be seen by anyone else's eye whatsoever, much less the supervisor's at this late date. The irony isn't lost on me, because if she doesn't look at it now no one else will, but...

Each day I whine about being so completely OVER this bloody thesis, but the truth is that I'm going to have to fucking make it work if I want to even get a decent honours grade at ALL. It's worth 3 subject points alone -- everything hangs in the balance on this.

I feel like I'm drowning, drowning, and there's no one to save me but myself.

***

I don't know where I stand with you
I never ever make any plans with you
I don't know what I mean to you
The only thing I know is I dream of you

And all that I know
Is I just don't understand
Why my happiness
Always lies in the palm of your hand

"I'd Rather Be Your Lover" - Madonna

Bittersweet faith.

I have always said that I would love to make a trip down to Seattle someday, and the primary goal of such an endeavour would be to look up a certain M and persuade her to take me on for an hour or two. B doesn't think it is something others could possibly conceive of me, but I am usually in such control of my emotions and entire person on a day to day basis that it would -- I suspect -- be quite liberating and cathartic to completely let go of that control for a given amount of time, and give yourself, completely and willingly, over to someone else for that moment. And after it all, you as a person are changed, and yet completely the same as you were before.

Perfect, Zazzmania on the very night that I need to stay up and mug the thesis (a semi-polished 10k by Monday!). I get to refresh the site every 20 (or so) minutes to see if there just happens to be something on at a steal that I might actually need/want, thus effectively forcing myself to take a break from work and indulge my procrastination gene. Weeh. For now it's more of the red stuff and back to Methodology...

***

Is it alright for me to feel this way,
Put my head in your lap, the world will go away
Well well, we can go there,
We can go anywhere
We can go there

But is it alright
Is it alright
Is it alright to hold you through the night

"Alright" - Kinnie Starr

Rage more.

Season 3 of Project Runway has apparently been going on for a while now, and I've only just begun to catch up. I also have ep 1 of Lost (Season 3!!), and BSG apparently resumes either today or tomorrow over in the US, and there's also this new series called Heroes that is really pretty cool (kinda like a modern day X-Men; weeh "StripperGirl"!)... how am I supposed to concentrate on the thesis?!!?!

Yay SBS for showing Lost & Delirious earlier... it's still so, so good after countless watches. :)

***

"I believe that there are no accidents. Every experience you have takes you to the next one, and you don't always know what doors it's going to open."

La fille de Pekin.

There seems to be a bit of a running ritual here. Every (and I mean every) time there is work to be done, I have to blog to whinge about it. Because whinging is procrastinating, and procrastinating is fun, and how better to hold off doing work than to bitch about it? Tonight is no different: There is a shitload of thesis work to be done before tomorrow (4k by Thursday!), and here I am, griping about it after having spent the entire evening (I wish I were joking) in front of the tele watching the news, AI, and Love Actually non-stop from 7pm til 11.30pm.

That quote about procrastination being like masturbation (because it feels good but you're really just fucking yourself)? It's. So. True.

***

"It's a self-preservation thing." - Love Actually

Elysium.

My allergy meds are wearing off quicker each day. The day before I could wait til 1pm before I had to take a tab or I'd have killed myself. It's 3am the following day and already I've succumbed to the mofo itching (and scratching; I should really take a pic... the HIVES! ><) and reached for the little white box. It's enough to make anyone go nuts I swear, what is with all these ridiculous things happening to me all at the same time? I've never, ever had any sort of allergy before (hayfever back then didn't count, it lasted for just one month of a year and only when I was over on hols), and now suddenly the nurse tells me "the especially allergic year" has sucked me in, in all of its splotchiness and redness and general total unsexyness. GAH!

***

Prolonging procrastination with a meme:

1. What kind of shirt are you wearing?
Bed stuff; a huge comfy blue tee.

2. How many kids do you want to have?
2 seems a reasonable number; a second to keep the first company and to remind me why I shouldn't have a third.

3. Do you have a good relationship with your parents?
Damn straight and proud of it.

4. What name would you want besides the one you have?
Noelle (dur!) or Jade, though I don't think the latter really suits me, it's just pretty~

5. What time did you wake up today?
Somewhere around noon. Hey, considering I went to bed at 6...

6. What were you doing at midnight two nights ago?
Showering, I think?

7. Do you like having your hair pulled?
Generally, no, but I suppose it depends on context...

8. Name something you CANNOT wait to do:
Does someone count? (Finish the thesis otherwise. -_-)

9. Last time you saw your mom?
The 21st of July, so about... 2 and a half months back.

10. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life?
There are several things I'd change if I could (tiny tiny things I'd undo), but I'm fairly content for the most part.

11. If you had 300,000 dollars, what would you do with it?
Get a car, pay the dad back for uni, maybe rent a pad of my own, distribute some to the folks...

12. Last thing you ate?
A massive, greasy (but oh-so-yum) all-American burger from Misty's. <3 style="font-weight: bold;">13. What's your favorite month?
December.

14. Least favorite month?
October.

15. What's the last piece of clothing you borrowed from anyone?
Probably a tee from the brother.

16. Most visited webpage?
A toss-up between eBay and Yahoo.

17. Last person to make you sad?
Probably myself.

18. Would you take a bullet for your best friend?
I think I would, but I'm not too sure if push came to shove. I'd take one for the folks, certainly...

19. Favorite kind of soda?
Creamy 'American' lime sodas.

20. If someone you hated died, what would you do?
I'm not sure, it'd depend on context (why I hated said person and if they were related to me, etc) really.

***

If you wait too long for the perfect moment, the perfect moment will pass you by.