Self-saboteur.

The logistics of all things debaucherous don't seem to be working out at all. We're all scheduled to catch Spiegeltent on the 11th; a day after my original last day of assignments (the 10th, which would've been perfect in theory). Now that my thesis has been pushed back, there is no feasible way I'll be done by the 11th in any form or manner, and on top of that, the uncle-who-owns-the-place has plans to arrive for a "short" holiday come early November. If negotiating having fun on the 11th was hard before (with the mountain of work looming over my shoulder), it's now doubly annoying with his presence since B obviously has to stay over seeing as it'll be way past midnight after Spiegeltent, and there isn't a car or anything and living in the 'burbs does that to you...

So not only do I have to worry about turning my 100-419 paper (hopefully the thesis'll have been done by then!) in in due time post-Spiegeltent and B-staying-over, there's also the awkwardness of the uncle being there and generally having to work around that. Ugh!

Scheduled to meet with the Sup on Thursday and there's still so much work to get through... this thesis is like a CANCER on my soul.

***

Just once in my life
I think it'd be nice
Just to lose control, just once
With all the pretty flowers in the dust

"Lose control" - Evanescence

Apparition.

Today was probably one of the worst days of my entire university life. Running on 2 hours of sleep after rushing two and a half thesis sections for the afternoon's meeting with the Sup, dying through an excruciating tute, and then getting the rudest shock ever during the actual meeting.

She certainly let me have it; no punches pulled. I've never, EVER had anyone say such things about my work before! Granted, the Sup's been so utterly nice and supportive all this while that the shift in attitude itself was the biggest shock of all. I probably deserved it, though. It came as a total reality check: my work sucks. My thesis sucks. My entire work ethic sucks... I suck. Not in so many words -- she didn't actually have to spell it out really -- but the underlying message was clear. And all this after I'd quite smugly sent the entire thing off to her in the morning...

The strange thing is, after an entire year of walking all over her and taking her for granted, this is the very first time that I actually feel compelled to write this thesis at least partially for the Sup. It was always about mememe before -- what I wanted, when I could make it, how much (or little) I could get away with doing... I think I owe it to her now; at least to the extent that I've completely maxed out all the favours that she could possibly have granted me. I have to fix this.

There's way too much happening all at once. The uncle coming over. Missing B (and how!). The non-existent thesis. The sorta best friend in flogging-land visiting. E. Spiegeltent. B's birthday. 100-419. The other uncle coming over. The dad's birthday. Flogging-land. Work. Thesisness. Organizing the family getaway. Leaving B behind...

***

"You work so hard to make her think you don't care, that you don't need her, but a guy goes nuts if he ain't got nobody. It don't make no difference who the guy is, as long as he's with you. I tell you, I tell you a guy gets too lonely and he gets sick." - Ben from Lost on "Of Mice and Men"

Inhaler.

6.20am and 12, 465 words and still no closer to being done than I was two days ago... I have so. fucking. much. to cull and re-edit it's not even funny! asdfjkkjj.......

la belle déception says:
I wish this thesis had a reward system. Like, finish this section (or however many words), and you get two days off to do whatever.
IBEK says:
if I was over at your place... I'm sure we'd think of an appropriate reward system!

***

"It must be really comforting to know that a person can't not love you no matter how horrible you really are."

For all we know.

The latest ep of BSG (S3 E04) has got to be the ALL TIME BEST, ever (ever ever EVER!!!). More than made up for Lost's blah showing this week (although Love Actually hottie Rodrigo Santoro has officially joined the cast <3). YAY Adama! Yay Lee! Poor Tigh...

My room is destined to be in a perpetual state of disorganized mess from now til the 10th of November. Books on the bed, notes and files cluttering the floor, and post-its peeking from every nook and cranny. The aim is the entire draft by Tuesday Thursday, and plenty of culling the week after so as to get the entire thing down to just under 13.2k (the record to beat is 13,197 ;p) in time for the 1st. It probably can be done, iunno, but I'm certainly going to try...!

***

I cannot believe that the only thing keeping me going through this hell of the next two weeks is GONE! The uncle has apparently made plans to arrive here early November, the exact same period that yours truly is finally supposed to be done with all the fucking mountain of work. I have to see B! I need my scheduled party(s)! The stayovers, the booze, the debauchery! ARGH!!!

***

Everything was beautiful and nothing hurt. - Lifter

Even more thesis whinging.

You have been warned; skip this post if you're over the ritual thesis-slamming.

This thesis is seriously sapping the utter life from me. 5 hours of analysing SGEM speeches later, yours truly is no closer to finishing than commencing. At this rate, my two-week-long extension (on the grounds of the admin fuckup; guess it came in handy afterall) is not going to count for much at all. As with all the other assignment whinging, however, it'll almost certainly be done by then. It's just a helluva shithole of 3 weeks to have to plough through from now til then, and even at this late date I'm sure I'll find countless ways of procrastinating. On the bright side, I actually will be completely done for the semester in 3 weeks, give or take. Oh mark my words, the liberties to be indulged in then...

Also: Amy Lee is a god(dess). Anyone who hasn't heard Evanescence's latest album absolutely needs to do so, now! How gorgeous is her voice?! If you thought Fallen was good, The Open Door completely surpasses it, bar none. Personal recommendations include Lacrymosa (track 7 - love!!!), Weight of the World (track 3), and Good Enough (track 13).

***

Drink up sweet decadence
I can't say no to you
And I've completely lost myself and I don't mind
I can't say no to you

"Good Enough" - Evanescence

Vogue.

Today is an 'okay' (note: okay, not great) day as far as days spent slogging on the thesis go. I have, to date, a whopping (but really not-so-wow when you think about it) 9.5k of "stuff", all of which does not include the analysis or discussion that is supposed to be incorporated, although I have actually been substantially industrious over the past 8 hours, if I do say so myself. Tomorrow I see Umi with what has to be more than two-thirds of the entire thesis, of which I probably do have at this point, although it is in entirely no state to be seen by anyone else's eye whatsoever, much less the supervisor's at this late date. The irony isn't lost on me, because if she doesn't look at it now no one else will, but...

Each day I whine about being so completely OVER this bloody thesis, but the truth is that I'm going to have to fucking make it work if I want to even get a decent honours grade at ALL. It's worth 3 subject points alone -- everything hangs in the balance on this.

I feel like I'm drowning, drowning, and there's no one to save me but myself.

***

I don't know where I stand with you
I never ever make any plans with you
I don't know what I mean to you
The only thing I know is I dream of you

And all that I know
Is I just don't understand
Why my happiness
Always lies in the palm of your hand

"I'd Rather Be Your Lover" - Madonna

Bout it.

I had an epiphany regarding my thesis an hour (!!!) ago: It needs to be tweaked, subject matter and all. I realised (while trawling through heaps of research material) this afternoon -- I don't give a damn about the Speak Mandarin Campaign... at ALL! So instead of focusing on and juxtaposing the SGEM with the SMC (and how they conflict/work to reinforce/create national identity/ideology yadayada), I've decided to just focus on the SGEM, and why 6 years and running later there seems to be little to no improvement. My theory? The use of Singlish in the very campaigns that attempt to eradicate them.

Umi'll have a fit come Monday I bet, but this is so totally what I have to do. I actually feel like I want to work on the damn thesis now... \o/

***

"For our last number, I'd like to ask your help. The people in the cheaper seats, clap your hands. And the rest of you, if you'd just rattle your jewelery."

Get up.

It's Friday already; the Friday before school resumes and what have I to show for it...?

***

It's been awhile since I've seen
The way the candles light your face
And it's been awhile but
I can still remember
Just the way you taste

"It's Been Awhile" - Staind