IT'S ALL GOOD...

I did it! The emotional/hormonal/whatever crazies are over! I may still be able to salvage my friendships, and hopefully I'll get some answers from the doctor when I go on Tuesday, so maybe I will know how to deal with this better. Honestly, I am not used to this type of thing because it is fairly recent....

I really feel that I need to re-learn how to be on my own and to not depend on anyone other than myself. As a younger person, in all of my pre-marriage years, that was what I was all about. I did not depend on anyone, did not encourage anyone to depend on me, and definitely did not let people in. This may sound terrible, but that way served me well at the time. I did not really know any different.

Well, then, enter Bill. Even with him, it took me a while to let myself trust him, and to believe that he really did love me. I am not, nor will I ever say that Bill was a perfect person in this world--but he was the perfect person for me, in my world. I became softer, more giving, more caring and loving and trustful, and the thought of "getting hurt" by someone did not seem as devastating to me, because I always had my "rock", my Bill, and that meant everything was okay. So, you see where this is going....

I now need to find the balance between what my life was then, and what it is now. I don't know exactly how I will go about this, but I am starting by going to church this evening, the first time in many, many, many years...and I am really looking forward to it.

ON FRIENDS AND LOSS...

lifeafter...Well, I am happy to report that I am back in off the ledge. AAARRGGGGGHHHHH! I'm going to the doctor next week and hopefully he will be able to shed some light on my Hormonal Hell. My poor friend seems to take the brunt of this stuff...and I hope she can hang in there with me until I get it sorted out, although I wouldn't really blame her if she didn't.

In fact, now I'm going to talk about having new friends that are like old friends. We have only known each other thru e-mail for about 6 months, although we "knew of" each other a little while before that, but only met face-to-face for the first time back in September. We met through CaringBridge, by signing the same guestbook. We then found out each other's stories; her son's and my Bill's cancer. I went back through the CaringBridge journal from when her son was right in the thick of his battle and, just from reading that, my admiration for her grew and grew. She is an amazing Mom, she loves her whole family fiercely, has a wonderful spirituality about her but also a sense of humor, and is a good friend. She is not quite 100% used to my particular brand of intensity and freakishness, but so far she has hung in there with me and even tries to understand, I think.

Starting a new friendship is almost as hard as starting a new job, and even more important, from where I stand. And starting a new friendship at 50, when it's something you haven't done for many, many years? EEEEK! We are now to the point, I think, where we are starting to get down to the real nitty-gritty underneath the surface stuff. At the risk of sounding strange, I hope she will still want to be friends with me. I am so frightened of losing people, in any way. I just don't think I could take losing anybody else important to me in the near future.

Bill was my very best friend, but my Mom was also one of my best friends. I could talk to her about anything, as an adult, and did. And that my two best friends loved each other as well, and got along as well as they did, oh my gosh! I loved seeing Bill and my Mom together; the only thing better was seeing Bill and Grandma together. Aaaawwwww...all three of the people I loved the very most, and they all loved each other. And they are all gone. So, friends are the ones I don't want to lose now. Especially my new friend, who I have always felt was sent to me by God, and I feel that even more now.

I just can't lose any more people that I love.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.....

Right now I feel so sad, so lonely, so lost. I thought I would feel better if I went out and did something; you know, to not just sit at home and "feel sorry for myself." But I don't feel like I'm feeling sorry for myself; this feels like more and it hurts, almost to the point of physical pain. I went to see a movie, and I am going to say right here and right now, for once and for all, I hate seeing movies alone. I've tried to be strong about it, and just go by myself and say I'm doing "good" because I'm getting out and doing things I want to do. I'm trying to act as if doing things alone is okay for me, and hoping that by acting as if someday it will really be true. But so far it's not. On a good day, I have that sort of "bittersweet" feeling--but on a day like today, I just feel so incredibly alone that I can't even explain it. I don't have any real friends to speak, not any that I can talk to, and that just makes me feel even more alienated because when I think about it, I can't remember when the last time was that I had a real friend. Bill was my friend, and a wonderful friend he was. But he's gone. And I'm not. But sometimes I feel like I may as well be, and I do not for the life of me understand why I wake up every morning. I don't like feeling this way; I don't like being me right now. For over six years, I have tried and tried and tried to look at what I have instead of what I don't have and now I'm kind of sick of it. The way I feel right now; this is real. And nobody cares. The one bright spot is this blog, because I can write this just like I feel it. I don't have to worry that I'm worrying anybody else; I can just be. I don't have to be careful how I "word" what I'm writing so as to not freak anybody out with my intensity. There is nothing and nobody here to reject me. It's just me which, after all, is all there has ever been and all there ever will be.

OH, WHINE, WHINE, WHINE...

One day I will be posting a blog that is happy and positive and everything will be just wonderful...um, yeah :)!

To be completely honest, everything for me IS pretty darn good. I wouldn't go so far as to say wonderful, but pretty darn good. It's just things keep happening to some of the important people around me...things that don't sound so good. That makes me sad and helpless as there is nothing I can do about serious health problems. My health is good; knock on wood. But, boy, it is scary...

That's all for now.

I LIKE THIS...

I've decided I really like writing on this blog. It's kind of funny that something so public is also so private. I mean, it's on the internet, for pete's sake. But nobody I know reads it or even knows it's here. I kind of like that idea; like hiding in plain sight.

Right now I'm a little scared and nervous. Somebody close to me needs to have an ultrasound to check a cyst. What is hopefully just a cyst. I completely have faith that it will be nothing more than that. Still, I worry.

Hopefully my problem with not playing well with others is starting to straighten itself out a little? I'm not sure, but it seems a little better. Maybe I take some things too personally. Maybe I think things are about me that are not. We'll see how it plays out. I hope that it will all turn out good and that all of my friendships--new and not-so-new--last a very good time. But I'll accept that whatever happens is the way it's meant to be. I can only do my best to be a good friend in the best way I know how.

Work seems like it will be good this week. That's a good way to start out. I'm feeling a lot less stressed out because I've decided to hold off on a couple of pretty complicated house projects, and have talked to the worker who was going to do it. I feel SO MUCH better having that taken care of. So, I think all is good.

I am fortunate, and I thank God for that everyday.

LIFEAFTER...

WHAT? TWICE IN ONE DAY?...

First I don't write for months, and now I'm here twice in one day. That pretty much sums me up lately. When I finally do make a decision, chances are I'll change my mind. It's that way with close to everything, it seems; sort of like my loss of memory except for the weird, obscure facts from, like, 1978--which I seem to be able to remember with clarity!

This afternoon I saw two movies, "Unaccompanied Minors" and "The Holiday"--I love seeing two movies in one day! The first one was okay and I'm not sorry I saw it but, you know, just okay. I loved "The Holiday", though. I wasn't sure what to expect because every review I read was bad, but I never have agreed with most reviews. So, I guess I went into it not expecting much, but hoping for at least okay. Well, I don't know what it is about me, but I just loved it and will buy it as soon as it comes out on DVD. I did manage to cry through practically the whole thing, though! Maybe that was just my general disposition today--more about where I'm at inside than about the movie. There were a lot of parts of the movie that were tear-worthy, even if I was weepy to start with.

I just feel sad sometimes. I feel sad that I don't seem to do well with friendships these days; I feel so alienated which, I suppose, doesn't help. When things on the friendship front changed drastically in the late summer/early fall, I was feeling very optimistic about that part of the future. Now, not so much. I can't exactly place what happened or what didn't happen, but I KNOW I'm not imagining things. It makes me sad that I could have been so wrong about something that I used to be able to sense so accurately. Of my two newest friendships, I've been wrong about both...what's up with that? One of them, I'm not as interested in pursuing; the other, I'm more interested in pursuing than the other person is. I try not to take it personally, but how do you not take someone not liking you personally? Hhhmmm...

I know there is a reason for everything and not all friendships are meant to last and I know that eventually it will all be water under the bridge, but for right now it does hurt. Even when I understand it, I have a hard time with people exiting my life. When I don't have a clue what stopped a friendship-in-progress dead in its tracks and then made it go backwards, I feel kinda bad. But, ya know, there isn't even anything that can be said or done about it, because that would seem stalker-like! And high schoolish. "Why don't you like me anymore; did I say or do something wrong?" I don't think I've said that since, like, 10th grade and, if it was pathetic then, it's REALLY pathetic now. I just don't know how to handle this; I guess I've never had anybody NOT want to be friends with me before. Maybe that's why it bugs me so much?

Anyway...what a child. And it's the Holiday Season. My very favorite time of the year. And all I feel now is lonely. Watching the movie this afternoon, it sort of hit me, I think for the first time--I haven't been kissed since April 26, 2001. After spending 13 years being kissed at least four times a day, and usually many many more times than that, no more kissing at all. I really miss kissing, and I miss holding hands. I miss being married. But, on the other hand--I was SO, SO INCREDIBLY FORTUNATE to have had what I had. I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

WHERE HAVE I BEEN AND WHAT HAVE I BEEN DOING AND WHY...

Where have I been anyway? It isn't like I don't have anything to say; anyone who knows me knows I always have something to say. Lately, though, that has sort of been changing. It's almost been nine months since my last entry here in this, my very own blog spot. There have been a lot of changes since then, and there will be many more to come. I want so badly to write...the way I used to write...and get it all out, and have it be an incredibly satisfying thing for me. I also want to be able to read...the way I used to read...a book in a day, versus one paragraph or one page before my mind turns off. I want to have a good friendship or two in my life. I want to explore my spiritual self more. I want to consistently feel happy and upbeat, although I will take MOSTLY feeling that way, the way I am now. There is so much that I am so grateful for, but there's also so much that I am still trying to figure out. I have a lot to give, in lots of different ways. But I have yet to figure out where what I have fits in with what is wanted and/or needed. Since my last post, I turned 50. The celebration of that particular milestone was great; lots of surprises and lots of fun. And the reality of being 50 isn't even so bad especially since, in my mind, I'm still so incredibly immature. I mean, what's 50? Especially when you're as confused as you were when you were HALF that age :)! But I'll just keep trying to figure it out. I'll keep trying to find a place to fit. I'll keep trying to find a relationship or two that has some sort of decent meaning versus shallow and unsatisfying. I'll keep trying to find some fun and laughter in my days. I'll keep trying to live in a way that honors my Mom's, my Grandma's, and Bill's lives rather than have it all be about their deaths. I'll keep trying to be good to other people and hope that it comes back to me. I will act "as if" until it truly is.

EIGHT YEARS AGO TODAY...

Eight years ago today, my mother died. Way too young, she was 61 for only two months. I was 41 for six months, but I felt so much younger all of a sudden. I felt like an orphan. Losing your mother is not something you get over. I remember thinking that I was glad we didn't have any "open issues." Everything that needed to be discussed and taken care of with us had been handled; in most cases, many years before. She died on a Monday, and I had just called her on Sunday. We didn't talk long; nothing was "new" with either one of us, and we always had "next Sunday" to talk. Only we didn't. It still hurts.

I'M BACK...

There have been several times since my last post that I've wanted to write, but I just didn't. I am just so...I don't know. I'm feeling underappreciated at work, I'm feeling kind of alienated in general, and I just really would be happy if I never had to leave my house again. I would love to have time to just piddle around and do things I want to do without being too tired to enjoy it. But, then again, I have such a short attention span these days. I am kind of sad today to hear about the death of Dana Reeve from lung cancer. I thought she was doing so well and then the radio says she has died. A CaringBridge "friend" who has come to mean a lot to me is also in the hospital and not doing so great. I wish so badly I could do something MORE than praying, praying, signing the guestbook, and then praying some more. What more could I do? We have SO LITTLE CONTROL over things, and I know that and usually it doesn't bother me in the slightest, except when it comes to people I care about. Kirby Puckett also died today after suffering a massive stroke yesterday. Even though his star had tarnished a bit in some people's minds after a lot of recent personal problems, but he was a baseball icon...and it's just sad because he's only 45 years old and he did lots of good charity works for kids. So, gee, I'm just full of good news. No wonder I'm feeling out of sorts...
On a completely personal note, I have lately REALLY been struggling with trying to figure out where it is I fit in, and who I am now as a person. When Bill got sick and died, I knew I was forever changed, but I didn't know how. I still don't know exactly how; what I do know is, I'm not the single person that I was before I was married. Of course, I was in my 20's and then up until I got married at 31. I COULD do it all; I was just fine with my life, I didn't know anything different. Then I got married to this wonderful man who adored and cherished me, spoiled me, and who I trusted without question enough to show my vulnerabilities and to let know the real me and who I could count on without fail. I had NEVER had anyone that I trusted so completely and who NEVER, EVER let me down. In fact, as the years went on, it just got better and better. There have been so many times since his death that I've thought what a cruel irony it was, that I finally had a person like that and he was taken from me so soon. But then, on the other hand, to have had that at all...how fortunate was I to have known all that. To conjure up a couple of songs "just in time, you found me just in time--and changed my lonely life that lovely day" to "I had the time of my life" to "I wouldn't have missed it for the world." So there's this "battle" and now, five years later on April 26, 2006 at 4:36 p.m., I'm no closer to having a clue where I fit in this world and who I am now. I guess that's part of the reason why I am "blogging" (why can't I get used to this term? I never could get used to "journaling" either; to me it was just always "writing.")to see if this helps me to figure things out. In a way I wish someone would read this and give me some advice, even if I don't take it. Back in the day, I figured out many life-changing issues through writing things out and I wish I could get that back again. Writing went by the wayside when I started seeing Bill; he took the place of most of my writing. Through our courtship and marriage, the few times I wrote was when I was mad at him over some stupid little thing and it was about him :)! Only time will tell...I figure, it can't hurt.

PROBABLY JUST RANDOM THOUGHTS...

I have had a good weekend. Friday night Deb and I had a spur-of-the-moment drive-through dinner at Culver's, which was perfect because that meant I got to go out without even changing out of my sweats! Plus, I had the best fish sandwich I've ever had! We had a good time just chatting and having dinner. I realized that I miss her. She recently started a new job so I don't see her as much as I used to; previously, she worked at the same place as me and we would go out for lunch all the time. That's okay, though--if anyone needed a new job, it was Deb because she worked in the very strangest department in the whole company, and I don't know how she stayed there as long as she did! Yesterday is just a blur because it flew by so fast, between napping and playing on my computer. This is my favorite day of the week. The whole day is ahead of me, plus I still have all of tomorrow. Not that I do anything too exciting, but being the hermit that I am I just like being at home. In a perfect world, I would work from home. I know I would be perfectly happy never leaving my house. This is a fairly new development; well, actually, I've always been kind of a homebody, it's the degree to which I'm a "homebody" that is a new development. At what point does a homebody become a hermit anyway. It's just such a relief to walk in, close the door, shed the public persona and just be me. I like to be with Frank and Nancy and, as their source of food, water, treats and clean litterboxes, they like me, too. I like when the kids stop over, and especially when Lori stops over. I love Lori so much; she is a true blessing in my life and I'm so fortunate that Todd had the good sense to marry her. Every son should marry the person that makes his Mom's life so much better :)! There are so many things and people in my life that literally give me reasons to wake up each day and for that I am so grateful.

IT'S THE WEEKEND...

I so look forward to the weekends, but I also tend to feel very sad. For all of our 13 years together, weekends were when Bill and I would makeI tal the most of our time off together and have fun! I miss him so much--even after almost five years without him--that I am still amazed that I can feel this empty and still function. There are two me's. There is the one that the world sees; I go to work, I talk to people, I laugh, I joke around, I function just fine--people who don't know me would have no idea that I've lost my best friend, I'm sure. Then there is the other me, which is internal. It's hard for me to even explain, but I'm going to try; I need to try. I talk to him in my mind and when I'm not talking to him, I'm playing the movies in my mind of our life together. While all of this is going on in my mind, there is the sinking feeling in my stomach, and the "internal crying"--that's when I can keep myself from obviously crying, but I feel it inside. Then there is the broken heart. When my Mom died, I found out what it feels like to have your heart hurt. With the combination of my Mom, Bill's Mom, Bill and Grandma; my heart went beyond being hurt to being broken. I miss and love them all SO much, and I just will never, ever be the same. In some ways, that's good. I think I'm a very good (step)Mom, and an excellent Grandma (which all still blows me away); I put much more into those roles than I did when Bill was alive. I think that is because I am so aware that Todd and Tracy also lost their Dad; when he was alive, he was a good Dad to them, and he loved them SO much and was so proud of them. And they love him. The three of us love and miss him. When he was alive, it wasn't quite so important for me to play a big role for them; they had their Dad. As soon as we finally got the cancer diagnosis, that changed because the four of us--Bill, me, Todd and Tracy--started spending a lot more time together, and our bond was cemented. Because their biological mother is basically "absent", they had no one else to turn to during that time. And I tried to be strong and there for them. I did not let them see me cry; although Todd did see me melt down twice; I wanted them to know that they weren't alone and that they could count on me, so I would cry at work. In the early morning hours when I was all by myself at work, doing those strange hours so I would only be gone while Bill was sleeping, I would cry and have breakdowns. I figured, I was all by myself there, so I wasn't bothering anyone else. I still cry at work, but I am no longer crying everyday. For me, that is progress. I think that anybody who can just "get on with it" after the death of their spouse is much stronger than me, or something. And to get married to someone else? That is fine for other people, but not for me. In fact, right after Bill died and I got the paperwork from the Social Security office, wrapping things up, I had a revelation. In the body of SSI's letter, they numerically listed the facts. One of the items, either #4 or #5 I think, was something like "William H. Danielson married Kimberly J. Danielson April 28, 1989. Marriage ended by death April 26, 2001." I was sitting right where I'm sitting right now, all by myself, and it was a weekday morning. As soon as I read that one statement, it was like being punched in the stomach, and I moved straight to near-hysterical crying. I can't quite remember if I said it out loud, I think I did--"my marriage DID NOT end; yes, Bill died, but I am just as married to him as I always have been. Death has not ended my marriage." My marriage vows said "til death do you part", but death did not part us; I will never be parted from Bill. His influence on me was much too profound to be wiped out by death; he lives on through his children and grandchildren, but he also lives on through me because I am a much better person for being married to him.

NOW I HAVE A BLOG, PART II...

This is so fun...I just wanted to come back and do another post just to make sure I could do it right. Okay, I know this probably seems pretty lame, but to appreciate just how important this is, you'd have to know that I am completely computer illiterate. I know just enough to do my job at work. I have only had my personal/at-home computer since the beginning of the year, so I am trying to teach myself things so I can sort of come into this century! It doesn't take a whole lot to make me happy. Now I just wish someone else would read this--ha!

NOW I HAVE A BLOG...

I'll admit it right now--I don't know exactly what I'm doing. I just know I wanted someplace to write--something I haven't done in a very long time--and now, instead of being completely private about my writing, I want to be able to share it with anyone who cares to read. This is a place where I will not censor myself; it is going to be about what I really feel and not what I think I should feel.

The title of my page is "lifeafter..." What that means is, life after Bill's death. As I'm approaching the fifth anniversary of his death, he is still just as much a part of me as ever, and I love him just as much as ever. I will be talking about Bill a lot; he is on my mind all the time and has always been the person who has impacted my life the most. Even after all of this time, I'm still trying to figure things out and come to terms with what my life is like, should be like, on and on, after...

This is just my first installment, and I will keep it short until I can absorb in my mind the fact that I'm actually doing this!!! I'm so excited. Me, the computer illiterate! Who'd have ever thought??