COSMIC WEEKEND...

What a great weekend I had! I know it's probably getting a little old, but I'm just beyond thrilled with my new paint. The livingroom will probably be finished today, along with the bedroom. Also got a lot done yesterday. So, bottom line is this--I HAD to call in to work today and beg for tomorrow off, too. Because I MUST get carpet and blinds...and new furniture!!!! Now, really....who amongst us would NOT be excited about that??? Huh? Huh? Many smiley faces, and many exclamation points!

As for my 18th wedding anniversary on Saturday? IT WAS A BLAST!!!! We had enough people to take up four lanes for the Cosmic Bowling, and we all had such a good time. I didn't bowl--wasn't sure how my fake knee would take to that--but I was the self-appointed cheering section, and that was fun too! Both of my kids are AWESOME bowlers.

So, even though all of this makes for rather boring blog posts, it all makes me happy...

I'M SO EXCITED, PART DEUX...

Went last night and got all the paint for the kitchen, livingroom, bathroom and bedroom walls--and it is BEAUTIFEROUS! Also bought new kitchen hardware, found some light fixtures, and on and on. I cannot think of a better way for things to be happening on what would be my 18th wedding anniversary. I LOVE YOU, BILLY, AND THE COLORS ARE WHAT WE TALKED ABOUT; WELL, EXCEPT FOR THE BATHROOM WHERE I TOOK A DRASTIC--YET GORGEOUS AND PERFECT--TURN. YOU WILL BE SO PROUD OF YOUR HOUSE, WHEN I'M FINISHED!!!!

I am overwhelmed--in the best way possible--with busy-ness for at least the next week but I'm gonna try to journal as much as I can. I figure, since I blather on endlessly when things are in crisis mode, the least I can do is blather some when things are going great :)! And to all of you who read and comment--Katie, Katy, Mom on Coffee, Heather, Ann Marie, Marie--thanks so much for your thoughts, prayers, and encouraging comments. I hope I didn't forget anybody; if I did, it wasn't intentional! You guys are so good to me, and it means so much more than I could ever express. So thank you...you all make a difference in my life. And to anybody who reads but doesn't comment--thanks to you also, as you make a difference, too. How lucky am I anyway!!!!!!

I am just SO excited...

CEILINGS AND CEMETARIES...

Everybody should come to my house to see my newly painted ceiling. Throughout the whole house. Is that still only one ceiling? I did not have any idea that this would make me so happy; if I would have known, I would have done it sooner. However, things happen when they're supposed to. IT JUST LOOKS SO NICE.

And another thing that looks really nice is the area around Billy's headstone where I arranged about a ton of flowers, and enjoyed doing it. I love bringing flowers there because he gave me so many flowers during our marriage. I've already written about it, but it bears repeating. My favorite flower was always the yellow rose. Until our first Valentine's Day when I received a beautiful dozen "Candida" roses; pale yellow with pale-to-medium pink edges. Gorgeous. So I always bring him a dozen of the most unusual manly-looking roses I can find, to mix in with the bouquets. And because it's our anniversary on Saturday, I saved two (him and me) and put them in a separate vase with greens. The reason I go on about this is because it's all I can do.

He would be just as happy as I am about the ceiling...

I'M SO EXCITED...

Why, you might ask? Because tomorrow my ceilings are getting painted. All of them. All of the rooms in my house. Then, the day after that, my kitchen/dining area is getting painted. And the walls/ceiling thingy going down the steps to the "lower level" (fancy for basement?). And then it will just keep proceeding from there until it's all done. This is how quickly and efficiently things can get done when I get by with a little help from my friends.

I am SO excited. I had been so stressed out over hiring painters and having strangers in my house that I was dragging my feet on the whole thing. Because one of my friends has some oh-so-excellent painting "connections" that she was willing to share all of that stress is just a memory. I am feeling SO good about this! YAY for being given what I need when I need it!

Which helps, with tomorrow being the sixth anniversary of Bill's death and Saturday being our 18th wedding anniversary. I'm doing good, and I've worked really hard to just keep remembering all the fun we had and all the love and good times we shared. Because all of those memories make me smile and laugh every time! Tomorrow after work, I will stop and get the flowers and then when Tracy gets off work, she will pick me up and we will go to the cemetary together. She has a very hard time going there, but it works better if she doesn't go alone. As long as I don't go too often, I'm okay--and I like going with her, as well. It just seems right . I think it will be fine; I KNOW it will be fine. I like making his stone look nice with the flowers; it is visual proof of how much he was and is loved. Which sounds kinda goofy, but just trust me on this one.

What can I say other than it's still good to be me, and I'm so thankful for my life...

AND I THINK TO MYSELF, WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD...

It is amazing how much finding my church home has added to my weekends. I get so happy when Sunday morning rolls around. Life-changing is what is has been for me, and also for those who have to spend time with me :).

Yesterday morning it was to church and then to the Adult Forum after (more on that in a paragraph to come), and then grocery shopping, finally! When I got home from all of that a little after noon, I opened up my garage door to find four of my angels had been here and raked the yard and put together my new little firepit thingy. And one of my little 7-year-old grandson angels even swept my deck for me. Have I mentioned lately how truly blessed I am to have my family? How truly blessed I was to have had such a wonderful husband , with whom those children came? As I come up on what would be our 18th wedding anniversary, on April 28, I feel an overwhelming wave of thankfulness for the way my family life turned out. The 12 years that I had (well, 13 counting the year before marriage) with Bill's physical presence...well, everyone who knows me knows what a great marriage it was. And it continues to be a great marriage as, in the six years since Bill died, it has grown even stronger. Some might not understand that; I don't know if I would, if I wasn't the one living it. I feel him with me all the time and it makes me happy. Even though we don't get to physically grow old together, I would choose nobody but him, ever. Even if we would have only had a day of being married, I would choose that over 70 years with anyone else. I've always felt this way, but even more so as the years go by. I have NEVER, EVER, NEVER regretted that I waited to marry the right one; even with only getting a short time together. It was just right. It continues to be right.

And because my children and grandchildren are biologically his, he continues to take care of me through them. They are my children, the children of my heart, the children I was meant to have, and Bill's gentle, giving, loving, quirky/funny/witty, almost-too-good-to-be-true nature lives on through them. I thank my God many times daily for them.

And, ya know what? I'm going to leave it at this. It is good to be me...

FUNERALS AND FESTIVALS...

On Monday, April 16, my friend's Dad died. I found this out by reading the obituary section of the newspaper on Wednesday. Further to the blog I wrote about this very thing on March 17, I think it is safe to say BOTH my friend and I are quite over the friendship--but, after 38 years, in as good a way as possible, I guess. Her Dad, on the other hand, I will be missing for all the rest of the days of my life. He was a good man, very classy, very smart and very giving. And in the past few years since my own dad checked out, he was even more like a Dad to me, too, than in the other 35 years of me being the "honorary fourth daughter." Rest in peace, DWG--you will be loved and missed forever.

I went to both the visitation Thursday afternoon/early evening, and the funeral yesterday. Both were very nice, as those occasions go. It just felt so surreal to me, because April is just really shaping up to be a bad one for staying alive. I'm really glad that my wedding anniversary is the 28th, and the wedding anniversary of another friend is the 29th, so the month ends on a happy note anyway! But I digress.

On my way home from the funeral, I got pulled over for speeding by the cutest little cop ever! It was a little odd to me that he is of the age where he wears a sterling silver ring/band on his index finger, but I guess that would be why he was cute. Duh. Anway, I didn't deny it and I didn't even play the "I'm going home from a funeral" card. I said yes, I was speeding and it was just because I wasn't paying close enough attention. He disappeared with my license for a while as they do, and when he came back he informed me that since I have a very good driving record, he did not want to goof that up for me, and would let me go with a warning. Thank you very much, Mr. Cute Young Cop. THEN I told him I was going home from a funeral and would be sure to keep my mind on my driving the rest of the way. In this case, honesty was the best policy because the ticket, if issued, would have been sizable!

Fast forward to a couple of hours later when my friend arrives to pick me up to go to the Spring Arts & Crafts Festival. It was such a lovely day weather-wise, and I had been SO looking forward to this Festival. The same friend and I went to the Fall Festival last November and saw some neat, unique, very reasonably priced items for decks/patios/gardens. Being that it was right before the holidays, though, it just did not seem right to be buying that type of thing--we went in more for the hot chocolate mix and things of that nature. So I was basically on a mission that was five months in the planning. And disappointed I WAS NOT. I got three really cute pieces for a ridiculously good price, and my friend found the cutest hummingbird garden stake thingy. We were so excited at our deals! Plus we just had the best old time ever! She can just be the MOST FUN PERSON EVER, and I was so glad she decided to go. There's just nothing better than having a "girls' night out" that turns out so good! Plus, I was able to get her opinion on my paint choices and other house-related stuff; hers is an opinion that I value greatly when it comes to all of my house woes because she has done a lot to her own house and has what I feel to be impeccable taste. Which is to say it's about 99% the same as my taste, only she's more creative than me.

All in all, yesterday was a very good day to be alive, and also to honor those who are not...

WHY I LOVE BLOGGING...

Would ya look at that, MOC? You give some good instructions! I am having a very-proud-of-myself moment because I just figured out how to add pix and images to my weblog, with the help of one awesome Mom on Coffee!

And for just a little while, here, I'd like to talk about that again. When I started my blog, I didn't tell anyone I was doing it because I did not really think about it in terms of having other people read. What I needed was a place for me to do what I love, which is write...about the people I love, etc. But then a couple of people found me, and I got a couple of comments. And then I started reading other blogs, and left a couple of comments. Now I feel much richer in the on-line friendship department and, even if I didn't get to put that neat little button on my page, I would still be just so incredibly touched by what was written about me and my blog over on www.notwithoutmycoffee.blogspot.com. That a busy Mom of three of the cutest kids ever takes the time to read what I write and comment so positively on it, and teaches me things I need to know about making my blog better, is an honor. Plus, because of her, I own a spiffy kitchen knife that actually cuts :).

Now I'm gonna break the rules of the Thinking Blogger Award, because four that I would tag for it already ARE it. So, the one that I think deserves a Thinking Blogger Award can be found at www.faithincommunity.blogspot.com. This is a brand-new blog, and the author is one of the pastors at my church. But, really, she is about so much more than even that wonderful calling. She is a person that I am growing to admire more with every passing week. So, go take a look if you're so inclined and leave her a comment. You won't be sorry. And, no, I'm not just kissin' up to the pastor...HAHAHA!

Another beautiful day in the neighborhood...

THE NON-POST...

This is not a post. A post is what I would be doing if I didn't just get home and if I wasn't tired and if I wasn't feeling like I'm a complete bore. Which is ironic, considering the nice, wonderful things Mom on Coffee said about me and my blog. It was so nice, I just...it made me feel SO good. Enough now. Funny, this thing about The Thinker's Blog, though, because I can't think of anybody to name because all of them have already been named! And I don't know how to get the little button thingy over here. And I'm too tired to think.

I went and spent the afternoon with my SIL, doing my favorite ceramics painting thing today. My SIL has a progressive disease that is in the ALS "family"--and the outcome is not good. It's not a matter of what the outcome will be but, rather, how long it will take. Her scans are at Mayo on Thursday, but she feels she has had progression. And I hate to say it, but I think she's right. Nonetheless...anybody reading this, please pray...please pray a lot. She's very strong, but still. PLEASE pray for the progression to slow down.

This got a little wordy, considering this isn't a post...

FAMILY TIES...

Odd thing for me...Friday I started wanting to be alone--good thing since I AM alone--but what I mean is, I haven't felt like talking to anybody, being with anybody, or doing anything with anybody. I still sort of feel that way, but it better disappear pretty fast since I have something going on everyday with...PEOPLE! I can't believe it..MOI? The needy one? Hmmmm...

Friday afternoon I saw "Slow Burn." Really good movie. It was between that and Disturbia and, I don't know why, but that one appealed to me more at the time. I highly recommend it. My SIL saw "Disturbia" last night and said I have to see it, which I will. That one is next, I guess.

This morning, something happened that has left me in a rather pensive state of mind. I was reading the obituaries, as I always do. I don't know why, but I always have. Therein I found my uncle's name. Uncle Bobby. My biological father's brother, and the only member left of my biological father's family of origin. And today is the fourth anniversary of the biological father's death--April 15, 2003. When I heard that my biological father died, I felt a wave of real sadness that surprised me, since we never really had a relationship, and I felt really, really sad over Uncle Bobby. And to top it off, through Bobby's obituary, I also learned that my biological father's second daughter, the one after me--there were/are four daughters--also died sometime between April 15, 2003 and today. I wonder what happened, because if my memory serves me right, she was 5 years younger than me. I guess it is rather ironic that I have always, always wanted a sister. Three half-sisters that I never knew...well, except the youngest one. I met her a couple of times; I was 29 and she was 6, at the time. She fascinated me because she looked like me at that age, and she did some of the same things I did at that age--odd things that not a lot of 6 year-olds do. Like drawing and coloring rooms of houses, rather than just the house, with grass, flowers, and a bright yellow sun in the sky.

My biological father called me when my Mom died. I got really, really sick right after my Mom's memorial service and so didn't feel great when he called, and it was strange to me. He ended up talking a lot about the youngest one, who was going to school at Columbia at the time. He seemed pretty proud of that. All I could really think of to say was, "it sounds like you got a smart one." He said he was sure I was smart, too. To be honest, the call didn't affect me much; I thought it was a nice gesture, but certainly not expected or needed. I never saw him after I was 7 years old. Well, once when I was 17, at his sister's funeral that my Mom made me go to with her and then once at 29. And I didn't have any issues about it. I did not love him, I did not hate him, I did not know him. I never thought it was my fault that he wasn't around.

My parents were divorced when I was about 3. Either 2 or 3, something like that; I do not ever recall a time when he lived with us, and I can remember a lot of very specific things back that far. Seeing him was always a little spotty mostly, I think, because the child support payments were spotty to non-existent--so...no money, no seeing the kid. The last time I saw him, when I was 7, he took me to the State Fair and we had a lot of fun going on all the rides. Then I never saw him again. But it worked out okay because not too long after that, my Mom started seeing this guy who did not disappear. I tried everything in my bag of tricks to get him to go--I had been successful with everyone else she dated--but he hung in there. And hung in. And hung in some more. They finally got married in 1968, the summer before I went into 7th grade. And moved us out to Lakeville, for God's sake, population something like 2200 at that time. Nobody bothered to ask my opinion on it, but before I started school in the fall, my "dad" legally adopted me so I would not be the only one with a different last name and then he would be my father; his name is actually on my birth certificate. I have no way of knowing, but I'm guessing it wasn't a hard decision for my biological father to sign the adoption papers; no more child support worries, at least not for me, the first one. By that time, there were two others that he had to not pay child support for, or whatever. So, I was finally able to be a Daddy's Girl, which was good and went on til I was about 25. And we all went on about our dysfunctional family life.

To be honest, it wasn't until the biological one died that I started feeling a little sad over the whole thing, and I think it was because of the obituary. It read, in part, "...celebrated raconteur, bon vivant, passionate golfer, formidable intellect and rapier wit, passed away April 15, 2003 at the age of 69, after a long life of great adventure..." It then said where he was originally from--where I am originally from, also--and listed his survivors. Brother Robert, daughters J1, K, and J2. I don't know why that bothered me so, since legally I am not his daughter. But, ya know, it still hurt. I mean, my kids aren't legally my kids, either, but you can bet they'll be in my obituary. And now today, the same thing with Uncle Bobby. There is absolutely no reason why I SHOULD have been included in the survivors but...well, again, it hurt.

Maybe it's because my dad, the person that made it possible for me to be a Daddy's Girl, very unexpectedly and unceremoniously dumped my ass three years ago. I think probably it was just because he is a mess without my Mom to keep his ADHD self grounded, and because I remind him too much of my Mom. Or maybe he's just scum. I don't know.

But I'm starting to take it personally...

HAHAHAHA; I LOVE A GOOD BROUHAHA...

Okay, according to my site counter (which I sorta wish I didn't have, but check daily), people are reading this. Thank you and I'm sorry I'm not more interesting. HAHA! No, really--yes, I do visit my own weblog and, yes, I do read it like I wasn't the one who wrote it. I think I'm pretty interesting and if I wasn't spending so much time leaving comments on other people's weblogs, I'd probably leave comments for myself--just like I wish other readers would do. Except if the comments would be mean things, then it should be kept to whose-ever-self.

Speak of comments, anybody reading here should really head immediately over to Kristie's notquitewhatihadplanned.blogspot.com instead. There's a little brouhaha going on over there--just a tiny one--and I just could not help but stir the pot a little. Hehehe. Call it a little battle of Minnesotans. Call it a battle of one who makes sense versus one who does not make sense. A battle between a bad speller and a good speller, if you will. Now I'm the one being just a little mean, because I'm the good speller. It's all in good fun! IF you're the one who is clearly right...HAHAHA.

Really, I don't know what gets into me sometimes. Sometimes there is the channeling of the stand-up comic , where I designate myself the unpaid entertainment of whatever gathering I'm at. Sometimes it's not ignoring something that I would usually ignore. I think it just has to do with the same thing that sometimes makes me not want to leave my house, and makes me only want to be around cats and dogs, versus other people. My word, people can be SO freakin' ridiculous that it's laughable. But, from me, it's kind of a mean laugh. And I am not usually mean at all. But to quote one of my favorite movie lines, "sometimes, you've just gotta say WTF." And then you start a mini-brouhaha, then run away, laughing.

I think part of it is giddiness over actually getting out amongst 'em a little today. J, my church lady friend called this morning to see if I wanted to meet her for lunch. Now this is the woman that I thought was at least 10 years younger than me that turned out to be 8 years OLDER, blonde hair, blue eyes, killer bod, great sense of humor. Why on earth do I want to hang around with this woman?????? HAHA! We had a good time...met at noon and didn't get home until almost 3...she talks as much as I do! I needed to get out, even if I didn't know it until I did it. And the weather is turning around again, I think. It's supposed to be 60 by this weekend. I don't know what to believe. It was so nice out today, I may just leave it out for tomorrow. Okay, I know...old, stupid joke. What I mean is, I MAY even make it to a movie tomorrow. I really want to see "Disturbia."

That should cause a good brouhaha with my sleep patterns...AGAIN...

LOTS TO LOOK FORWARD TO...

I'm thinking that after a couple more nights of going to bed early, maybe--just maybe--I won't be so tired anymore. One of the women I work with has been sick for over a week and she finally had to give up and stay home today, so I can only hope she didn't SHARE. Some forms of sharing, I'm all for; this kind, not so much.

This is a time when I don't have much of anything to say but I still feel a real need to write. Maybe something is percolating under the surface, and maybe not. Things are going good for me right now, and emotionally I'm feeling pretty good. I think it really helped me, acknowledging early on that it could get rough this month. It's like doing that sorta took some of the punch out of it. On my way to work this morning, I was even planning what flowers I'm going to bring to the cemetary for the 26th/28th. Bill sent me flowers so much that he belonged to the "frequent flower givers" club at the florist. And, of course, in his typical fashion, he completely captivated one of the older ladies that worked there, so she always took good care of him. Thusly, I used to get some beautiful flowers! So now I try to give him beautiful flowers. And I thought about it without being sad; I thought about it feeling happy at how nice I will make his headstone look. Because he was a Vietnam Vet, his urn is buried in Ft. Snelling Cemetary and it is such a beautiful place anyway. I love the fact that I go past the headstone of Tom Burnett Jr (one of the "let's roll" guys from Flight 93 on 9/11) on my way out after visiting Bill. It's very obvious which stone belongs to Tom; there are ALWAYS lots of flowers and decorations. Occasionally, I take a rose to him, also. Just seems right.

Another thing that just seems right will be happening on Monday. I will be heading to the Courthouse with my son and DIL, as a witness for getting granddaughter V's last name changed to ours. I am so happy about this, and it also made me happy that this is something she wanted, too. She's such a cool 14-year-old, and it will be my honor to share the same last name with her.

Tuesday I'll go over to my SIL's house and we're going back over to CMM to paint more stuff. There are little plates that match the bowl I've already painted, so I think I will do some of them so I have a set. It would be cute for serving fresh fruit, or chicken salad or the like. Yeah, like I have so many people over for fresh fruit and/or chicken salad. I am rolling my eyes. I like the idea of it, at least. With all of the kitchen stuff I have (some my Mom's, some my Gram's, some mine), one would think I do a lot of entertaining. When, heck, I'm doing good to cook for myself. But I'm way prepared if I ever decide to turn into Patty the Party Giver. Yeah. If that ever became a reality, my Mama would be so happy as she is the original Patty Party Planner/Giver. I also have two girlfriends who are different versions of that. One of them is SO that way, and I've always loved when she cooks for me or has us over because she's an excellent cook and also does the whole beautiful table thing--but she does that even just for herself and her husband, and a big group is when she has me, another friend of ours, and her Mom and maybe her sister. The other friend is the Party Planner/Giver Extraordinaire--she does it for functions for her WHOLE extended family which, at certain times, can number 40 or so! Man, ya gotta admire that; plus, she is the same as the other friend in the having things look nice department. And they both have nice, warm, comfortable houses--the kind where you want to be. I don't want either one of them in my house; I'm too embarrassed! That's why I've gotta hurry and get stuff done--not that I'm PLANNING on having people over or doing lots of entertaining, but it wouldn't hurt to be prepared to do so. Plus, it's more polite to actually invite a friend in sometimes.

Next Wednesday, my noon Bible Study resumes. We didn't have it today so Pastor Roth could get her bearings after Holy Week. And I don't blame her; I've wondered when and if that woman ever goes home. The more I get to know her, the more I like her and my respect for her grows. What I don't know is how she keeps track of her schedule. I also still really, really like Pastor Wegener, although I'm getting to know Pastor Roth more than him. I'm supposed to make an appointment to meet with him, but I don't know if I want to do that. I think he will get to know me enough just through time and church activities. If he ever brings it up, then maybe--otherwise I just don't feel the need.

Thursday, I don't think I have to do anything, which is good so I can be rested up for...TA DA!...the huge Spring craft fair at Canterbury Downs. YAY! My girlfriend that went with me to the fall one is going to this one, too, and I'm so excited. I love doing this kind of stuff with her, because I'll be looking for stuff for my deck and I need her opinion. She and I could not be any LESS alike, but we surprisingly have the same taste in house/furniture/decorating type stuff. Plus, I just really like spending time with her, and it seems like there is never enough of it. So that will be fun and, hopefully, I'll come away with a good start on stuff for my deck! Yeah, so the inside of the house is still in sad shape, but the deck will be great. Priorities, ya know :)!

Whew! I have a lot to look forward to. I better go to bed really early to get a head start on being fully rested so as to really enjoy it all!!!...

LET THERE BE PAINT...

Such a nice day today! Good thing, too, because we're supposed to get a WINTER storm tomorrow/Wednesday. Ridiculous.

Tracy and I went out shopping around today while my vehicle was in for its check-up and an oil change. It was nice to be out and about with the weather being so great and it's not freezing for once. We went to Hirshfield's and I finally picked out some paint colors for the livingroom, kitchen and bedroom. Which will just about do it to start with. I heard on the news tonight about some woman who has become a Buddhist or some such, and has put all of her earthly belongings, except for a few photo albums, on Ebay. Maybe that's what I could do with all my crap. Oh, I hate it. I'm so clueless about this. Again, I want to go away and come back and have it all be done. At least we had fun, and it is much easier with someone else to bounce ideas off and to give opinions.

On a pleasant note, it was a great Easter. Way too much ham, and glazed carrots, too. Gosh, take everything away--just leave me the glazed carrots. I'm really glad that is the last big eating holiday for a while :).

Well, this is pretty boring...no angst, nothing. My biggest news today, I guess, would be that I got a brand-new single-sort recycling container from my trash pick-up company. And that's not all bad.

HAPPY AND BLESSED EASTER...

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted. It isn't that I didn't want to, because I did! But the tiredness took over.

I have come to the conclusion that, much as I love my job, work just takes up too much time. I like my sleep far too much to give that up, so it would have to be work that has to go. Yeah, I wish; it could be a reality if I was a fan of living under a bridge somewhere. I thoroughly enjoyed my days off and actually got a lot accomplished but, by Friday afternoon after church, I was so tired. And that trend continued on into yesterday--and today, too, I suspect.

That being said, however...this is the BEST Easter ever. For me, it's been like that saying that pops up at Christmas, "remember the reason for the season." For me, church has made a huge difference in my view of this blessed holiday. And it has been pretty emotional...seeing the altar stripped during Maundy Thursday service packed a huge emotional wallop. Thus, the sleeping.

April 26 is the sixth anniversary of Bill's death; it was a Thursday, at 4:36 p.m. and this year April 26 also falls on a Thursday. April 28 is our 18th wedding anniversary. I love him and miss him more everyday, but I am happy for him that he is where is, cancer-free. And with our Moms, Grandma (who loved him more than words can say--talk about soulmates!), his Dad and many of his Vietnam buddies. It is my fervent belief that he and I will be together in eternity. I told him when he was ready, he should go ahead and then wait for me. He said he would. And he never, ever lied to me.

BLESSED, BLESSED EASTER...

POST #3 FOR APRIL 5--AND ANOTHER THING...

Okay, just HOW IN THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO WALLOW LIKE I WANT TO, when I read stuff like this. Coinky-dink? I think not.

Here's my horoscope for April 5:

"Just when you thought everything was going perfectly smooth and fine, someone sets off a bomb in the middle of your path, Kimberly. Don't get discouraged by what seems to be a hopeless situation. There is an important lesson that you may need to discover today that has to do with the importance of looking at the big picture. See conflict as an opportunity to expand your mind, rather than a force you need to fight."

And, if that isn't enough, here's part of the Daily Devotional from A Purpose-Driven Life that I get through e-mail:

"The Apostle Paul told us that, because we have this tremendous hope inside, we need not grieve our losses like those who have no hope. He's not saying we can't or shouldn't grieve at all; rather, he's saying that death or any other loss is not the end of the story because we serve the Glory of God.

We believe Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe God will resurrect those in Christ who've been taken from us. And we can encourage one another with these words of hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13-18 NIV)."

I'm really starting to think that wallowing and feeling sad and sorry for myself just really is not my destiny.

OH, AND I FORGOT TO MENTION...

Also, April 3 is my first true love's birthday. I always think about him and remember him on his birthday. He was my best friend, my first love, my first, and our relationship spanned over 10 years. I did not love him the way I love Bill, and I did not want to marry him--Bill is the ONLY man I ever wanted to marry--but he was such an important part of my life when he was in it. We had a really hard time letting each other go. But we did and moved on and married and had families and lives. But I still think about him every year around his birthday.

TEETH, TAXES AND THOSE PESKY FEELINGS...

I hate this, I just HATE this. "This" is the period from March 23-May 1 every year. I don't care how many years have passed, it still has a huge effect on me. I now have the anniversary of Mom's death, my absent father's birthday and Grandma's birthday under my belt; now it's just the anniversary of Bill's death and two days later our wedding anniversary. And those...those are the ones that just about rip my heart out and cause much emotional-ness. So I tend to feel sad, hurt, lonely and confused--and also very sensitive to anything else that goes on.

This time period is not a good time for me to make decisions of any kind. Not even little ones. Most of the time, I am not only fine, I'm really good. I'm happy, I feel fortunate, I like me just fine and I like my life. Sure, I'd like more money and dumb stuff like that but, the things I say I'm happy about, I'm usually really happy about. And I still am. This is just a tough time, and I just don't need any other complications. I mean, really...on my best day, I don't like complications, so at this time they REALLY bite. And even though I do hate feeling like this, I think if anybody told me to get over it, or it will pass soon, or any of those other things--well, I think I might have to beat them about the face and head. Even though I do hate feeling like this, I DO feel like this--just as many other people sometimes feel like this--and it's okay for ME to feel like this, too. If other people expect me to always be the cheerful, on-an-even-keel, sensible one, then it's because I've taught them to expect that. Because I do it to myself, too. And you teach people how to treat you.

Getting my teeth cleaned and getting my taxes done are both a breeze compared to this...

SAD, HURT, LONELY, CONFUSED...

KatieKat Nawlins, you're not gonna believe this. TWICE, I typed out a big long, involved, sympathetic, understanding comment to you. TWICE, I lost said comment. Screw it. You're basically getting a post just for you. But not really, cause it all ends up being about me anyway.

For some reason, I'm feeling a little sad and melancholy. It's not the day, which was fine. It's just things. Not a whole bunch of things, not big important things. Just enough that I doubt myself, and I feel alone (the kids don't count in this because they are the kids and I don't believe in making my problems theirs), and I just feel sad. There are probably some things I should deal with, and some things that I think I really know what I should do but I don't want to. One of my favorite sayings is the one about "insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results" and "when a person shows you who they are, believe them." This is just one of those things that a person goes through in life and I just need to work it out.

Katie, I'm sorry, I really do have lots to say to YOU. Maybe tomorrow? Mostly, I feel so frustrated that you have the constant headache and stomach problems. I want you to be better. I want me to be better...tomorrow...so I can say all the things to you that got lost in the big cyber-black-hole. I appreciate you, Katie. More than you know, probably. I really do.

A PROPER TITLE ESCAPES ME...

Well, once again, this has been a little bit of a different day. Very good, yet different. The end result is that I took tomorrow and Thursday off. Thursday I need to go to the dentist, then get my taxes done, and then get back home and get ready and go to church. I need, first, to get all the info together for my taxes. I don't know why I procrastinate so on this; it's not like mine are complicated or anything. I just hate it and wait until the very last minute.

My son, DIL and granddaughter V came over last night and we all had dinner together. I love when they do that; it's so much fun! Todd bought a new (to him) truck, and he needed to show it off to his Mama--HA! He got a very good deal and is just like an excited little kid. To be honest, with all of the miles he drives every week, I'm glad he's in a big truck, instead of just a car. I am happy for him.

I am just...I kind of don't even know what to say. It doesn't seem like I can go a full week without having some sort of friendship issue; sometimes big, sometimes small, but still an issue. There are times when I feel I'm "damned if I do, and damned if I don't" -- but the one thing that I have come to fervently believe is this. It is NOT all me and I am to the point where I just kinda throw my hands up in the air and go on my way. I don't like it when I start doubting myself when all I have been trying to do is the right things, and I am not going to let anyone do that to me anymore. Well, at least I'm going to try. I really think that sometimes people have been hurt in the past and it makes them distrustful of the people that come after, even when there is no reason to be. Or maybe they think other people are going to do things that, in reality, they are guilty of. I don't know for sure but sometimes it seems that's the way it might possibly be. What I know for sure is this--I am a really good friend who can be trusted. I keep any and all secrets that are told to me and I don't talk about people with other people. If I say I will do something, I do it. I'll be there when I say I'll be there. And I'm not mean. Is that REALLY so hard to believe? Because to me, those things are the minimum...

MUST GO TO WORK TO REST UP...

Oh, I really have had such a fun, busy weekend--and am I ever tired! After lunch today, Tracy and I and the kids ran out to Fleet Farm so I could actually purchase the fire bowl thingy that I saw there last week and liked. So, I also went with the pre-seasoned cast-iron frying pan and dutch oven I've been wanting. It is now official, I went straight to turning into my Grandmother :). Which is okay with me because I love that woman with all of my heart and soul; she is the person who had the biggest influence on my young life. For so many years, anything good I did was to please my Gram and what Gram would think kept me from doing lots of bad things. And today is her 90th birthday.

She died July 24, 2004, at age 87. The oldest of 10 siblings, one who died as an infant, she grew up basically like a farm hand/slave and only made it to the 8th grade. Finally "ran away" at 18 to marry Gramps. Great Grandpa wasn't happy about her choice of husbands, but she married him anyway; thus making my Mom and two uncles possible, and then me. Although the ages of the siblings spanned about 21 years--my Grandma's youngest sister was a year younger than my Mom--there was only a year between my Grandma and my Aunt Mary. I loved Aunt Mary so much because she was like a tiny version of my Grandma. My Grandma was always heavy--I never knew her any other way, and she always looked like a Grandma, with dresses, aprons, gray hair and glasses. Aunt Mary was just as tiny as Grandma was heavy and, as a little kid, I loved being in the same room with both of them. To me, it was like two versions of my favorite person. My Grandma's name was Sarah Elizabeth, and Aunt Mary's was Mary Amelia. If I would have ever had a daughter that I got to name, I thought Amelia Elizabeth would be good; Amy Beth. All of the siblings always gave Grandma kind of a rough time over being heavy (which is yet another thing that I got from her :)!!!! Which, ya know...so what), saying she would die young if she didn't lose weight. Hmmmm...she outlived all but two, including the youngest sibling. Aunt Mary was 57 when she died. Grandma was 87. I know it bothered her, having to bury her younger brothers and sisters, especially the "baby sister." And I miss all of the aunts and uncles that I grew up with, too--but I'm sure glad she made it to 87.

Happy, happy 90th birthday, Gram; you know how very, very much I love you because you love me that much plus a little more, and I still feel it. Guess what, Gram--I go to church. I know how happy that makes you, and if it makes you happy, it makes me happy...

MY WEEKEND IN REVIEW...

Well, this has been a busy weekend, and a fun one at that!

A bunch of us went to dinner at Mancini's Steak House Friday night to celebrate my SIL's birthday. It was so much fun and the food is always fantastic. I love that place because it's like stepping back in time to a 1950s/60s supper club, complete with cranky waitresses, whose efficiency at their job makes up for the crankiness! Whenever ANYBODY says Mancini's, I'm there. It was the two of them, me, SIL's younger daughter and her boyfriend, her best friend, and their best couple friends. Ironically, their best couple friends' youngest son is their youngest son's best friend, too. And even more ironically, the husband part of the couple used to be one of "my" instructors years ago when I worked at Vo-Tech. I was the secretary to the Transportation Programs Coordinator, and the husband was an instructor in one of our programs, I can't remember exactly which--maybe Heavy Equipment Mechanics or Truck Trailer Mechanics? Anyway...I remember him, even though that was 30-32 years ago, but he doesn't remember me, and I don't mention it.

We had what I thought was a really good time. They talked about their Europe trip and going to Slovenia and meeting their Slovenian relatives, Bronco and Igor. Isn't that just a hoot? My BIL loves nothing more than to tell a good story, and there were many of them. Other than that, it is a pretty quiet group which means, of course, that I have to spring into action. Heaven forbid that there might be silence...MUST keep the conversation going. I don't really understand that part of myself. I am shy around people I don't know, and being in a large group of any kind makes me feel like I'm going to hyperventilate. BUT, if nobody's talkin', for some reason, apparently I channel Rodney Dangerfield. As we were all milling around saying our goodbyes, the best couple friends husband said to me, "you really need to learn to come out of your shell." I don't know if it was a compliment or a not-so-subtle way of saying "if there is a next time, please shut the hell up." I'll be wondering for a long time, but I'm mostly assuming "compliment."

Yesterday I went to a "Taste of Home Entertaining" party with a girlfriend. Whereupon I managed to do $172 worth of damage to the checkbook, which showed great restraint on my part because I wanted EVERYTHING. Nice stuff! Plus, it was just a fun thing to do; something different--even though I didn't know a soul there except for my friend. The good part was, she didn't know anyone either, except for the hostess. I really enjoyed it, and felt like I did a good job of stepping outside my comfort zone all weekend. Afterwards we went and grabbed a very late lunch/early dinner, and gabbed, gabbed and gabbed some more. It had been a while since I'd gotten together with this friend and even longer since there was time for anything more than meeting up for a quick cup of coffee before/after work. It was really nice to talk to her "in person"--we e-mail all the time, but face-to-face is even better.

Today after church, I'm heading over to the SIL's house and we will be going over to "Color Me Mine" to paint stuff. SIL, me, and her best friend are all going and it's a good thing the SIL is a seasoned pro at this because it's the first time for both me and her best friend. It should be entertaining, as I am SO artsy and crafty--NOT. I've gone over there with her before, though, and it looked really fun so I'm willing to try it--I thought it seemed kind of relaxing, and what's so bad about sitting around a table with people you like in a nice environment, painting something you eventually get to take home. I figure the worst that's going to happen is whatever I paint turns out really ugly, so I'm not too worried about it.

How fortunate am I to have such a full weekend, with people I love and enjoy being around. Even though I SHOULD stay home tomorrow and piddle around the house, I have to see Tracy at some point; my granddaughter K had her big year-end dance competition yesterday and I have to get Tracy some money to order me a DVD of it. This is her second year of dance, and even though she's only in 7th grade now, she is REALLY good. By the time she hits high school and can actually be on the danceline, she'll be awesome. Besides which, she's also beautiful. But I could be a little biased. The kids are on spring break next week, so I'm thinking it would be fun to see all of them for lunch. So much for staying home and doing what I should do!

And today is Palm/Passion Sunday; I am so looking forward to this whole week at church, leading up to Easter. This is such a special time and, if it's possible, I think I may love it just as much, if not even a little more, than Christmas.