**BREAK IS BLISS...**

I absolutely love Happy Bunny! This one is just a funnier way of saying that I'm really enjoying break, but I'm also really, really looking forward to Monday and the new classes. I always feel like this at the beginning of a quarter...but this time, I'll be learning Coding, which I'm looking forward to. If I can just get past the THREE BIG-ASSED BOOKS! :)

I also have my doctor's appointment on Monday, which should be tonza fun. The oh-so-pleasant "nurse" from my doctor's office called today to let me know that my labs from yesterday revealed elevated cholesterol and kidney numbers. The order was to immediately cease and desist from taking my arthritis pills. Good. I want to wean off the pills anyway. Most of you already know this from Facebook...but it will be fine. There are some changes I've been needing to make and, although it's been a long time coming, I've known for a couple of weeks what I'm gonna do. So stayed tuned.

Today really got away from me. The work day seemed endless but then, it seemed like I had just gotten home and it was 7:30! The highlight of my night was laughing my butt off on the phone with Hallisicle. What would I do without her. What would I do without each and every one of you here. Seriously...

I have truly been on quite the journey lately; the scope of just exactly how "beaten down" I'd been feeling has only been apparent the past few weeks. Honestly, I still have a lot to work through and it is not always easy; there are times I feel sad, there are times I feel like a failure, there are times I feel unworthy. But it's getting less and less, and I know that these things take time. Ya don't just get over things *snap* like that...when they were important to your life. But it is happening, and it's good!

**More tomorrow!**

**LORD, HELP ME...PART TO THE TWO**

I fear that I am addicted.

I had no idea all of fun that could be had.

All of these people that I love so dearly, all gathered in one place, all "talking" at once...including some grandchildren!

So darn fun.

I'm gonna have to blog at work!

**BWAHAHAHAHA...what a wonderful employee I am!!!**

**WONDERFUL WEEKEND...AHHH!**

I went to my favorite Mexican restaurant for dinner tonight and indulged in one of these, and it was incredibly good! My only problem with margaritas is that they slide down just a little too easily. They just always taste so refreshing and cold and yummy. I was good, though, and just had one. Of course, the one came in a fish aquarium, but still...

So that was what I did after work. I got to work in plenty of time for a 12:30 start and was out of there by 4:30. It was awesome to get so much done in such a short period of time. My co-workers should be duly impressed tomorrow morning, but I doubt that they will be. My goal from now until July 31 is to conduct my work in a manner that will make it impossible for them to say anything bad about me when I'm gone. Since they both get to stay until December and I don't. Bitter, party of one? Your table is ready... BWAHAHAHA!

Yesterday was basically resting up and relaxing...however, the big difference between yesterday and today was that the sun was shining brightly today. That really makes such a huge difference in my energy level. Tomorrow I just have to go and have labs drawn in preparation for my doctor's appointment next Monday, and then come home and dig out my Pathology I notes in prep for Path II next Monday. And maybe try to look through one of the three big-assed Coding books they sent me, and try to figure out what I've gotten myself into with that. All in all, it's been a wonderful weekend, with a good balance of relaxation and accomplishment. I'm satisfied.

**Happy 73rd Birthday, Dad.**

**BWAHAHAHAHA!!!**

Thank you all so very much! Seriously, when I read those comments just now, I did the *snort*chuckle a couple of times. You guys? Are DA BEST. I DO feel better, SO MUCH better, after dumping a crapload of pent-up anger sharing. I even slept better!

Odette, I had to laugh at your song because I do the same thing with music! I ran into a problem, though, because I heard this song on my way home from work yesterday; it was from, like, when I was in 9th grade. I had not heard it in many, many years and I COULD NOT get it out of my head. And, it just did not fit my mood at all. Have any of y'all ever been in a really shitty mood and you get this happy, cheerful little ditty stuck in your head. Even though ya like the song, it just adds to the general pissed-offed-ness. Here was mine from yesterday:




Really, imagine being all huffy over virtually everything and having THAT song in your head; I took it as a sign that I was supposed to get over whatever was ailing me in the fastest way possible! BWAHAHAHAHA.

**Really...thanks, all! I feel SO MUCH better!**

**FOR THOSE WHO MAY BE WONDERING**

Because right now I am definitely Queen Crabby Pants, I thought I would be nice to all of you, my friends, and refrain from blogging. Many people over the years have said "if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all" and I was choosing to go with that. Right now, though--at least momentarily--lots of pent-up rage has taken over and, yeah, I'm sayin' it. Right here, not even in private!

I am SO FREAKIN' PISSED. About a lot of things! None of it is the end of the world, and all of it and I will be fine. But for right now I'm saying how I REALLY feel about it.

* I am REALLY put out with my current place of employment. Why am I the one that goes July 31 and those other two get to stay until December. Especially the 62-year-old. Unfortunately, it's typical of the way it's always been, but that doesn't make it any better. I hope it is sheer hell around there after I go.

** She Who No Longer Exists To Me? Can kiss my ass, because now I AM the one who is pissed. How dare she say and do the things she did, and call it friendship. I am PISSED that back at the very beginning, she pulled a bait and switch on me. Here I thought she was a really nice, normal person. Yeah. In the computer. And then make me feel like I was the one who was inadequate and wasn't worth liking face-to-face. Newsflash. It's NOT me at all; it's YOU. My only mistake was in thinking that you would see how fun it was to have a friend who truly liked you and wanted your friendship. But NOTHING is ever good enough for you; there is always a "but" with you. You misrepresented yourself, and everything you say is wrong with others is really what is wrong with you. And you can't even admit it. Bite me; it's better without you.

***Most of all, I am pissed at myself for wasting my whole freaking adult life at that stupid place when I could have been working someplace else--anyplace else--BETTER. I am pissed at myself for not saying what should have been said a long time ago. I am pissed at myself for letting my feelings get hurt instead of getting pissed, as I am now, sooner. And I am really pissed at myself that I did poorly in school last semester; I think, mostly, as a result of those things that had little to do with school. GRRRR...that will not be happening again.

So, there ya have it. And to top it all off, it is below freezing and snowing enough that I am looking at the white roof on the house across the street from me. I am freezing. I am tired. I am sore. All of this on top of being pissed. But now that I have ranted and raved, I will be feeling much better shortly. In fact, I can feel it already. So...

**Thank you, thank you very much.**

**TAKEN**

Today was another rainy day; just perfect for a movie. I have really been enjoying all of the movies I've seen the past few days--the only way it could be any better would be going to back-to-back movies on the same day; I LOVE that! The first showing of "Taken" today worked out just perfect for when I was getting off work. I was disappointed that "Free Popcorn Tuesday" at my favorite theater has all of a sudden turned into "$1 Popcorn Tuesday" but whatcha gonna do.

I'll say right up front that even though "Taken" was a good enough movie, it wasn't anywhere near as good as "Duplicity." I really like Liam Neeson, but I just wasn't buying him in his role. He did some pretty fancy and extensive kicking ass and taking down names, and it just seemed too unlikely. The premise of the movie was predictable and has basically been done before, and the ending pretty much sucked. It was kind of like they just ran out of time so they did the minimum wrapping-up and called it a wrap. Maybe there will be a Taken 2 and 3 and 4, who knows. I think if I wouldn't have seen "Duplicity" first, I probably would have liked this one better (until I saw "Duplicity").

Now I'm in the mood for a good old stupid mindless comedy of some sort or another. I'm thinking I'm probably going to end up with "I Love You, Man" or something similar if I can find it at the right price somewhere, but I'll see what comes out at the end of this week. We are slated for progressively worse weather suckage as the week goes on so it appears I will be looking for more indoor pursuits. I was hoping for more sunny, warm days to spend some time hanging out by the lakes, but it doesn't seem as if that will be happening for a while. I will probably end up hauling my Pathophysiology (Pathology) book over to Border's and trying to review a little bit to prep for Path II, and I need to do some quick reference cards for some Keyboarding/Word stuff. Funny thing, studying's not so bad when I don't have to do it!

I came out of the movie to find I had a message from my doctor's office, asking me to call them back. Of course, I knew what they wanted and I sure wasn't looking forward to it. All I want is to get my prescriptions refilled, but it's time that he needs to see me before he will refill them. Okay, I guess I understand but, man, I hate paying out of pocket for the labs and office visit just to see that nothing has changed. And I also hate how snippy they are around there; not the doctor, but all of the minions running around there are certainly an unpleasant lot. She seemed really put out that the last time I saw the doctor was the end of January, 2008!!! For shame!!! Hell, here I was thinking that was a good thing; it means I have not been sick, right? With her snotty tone, I felt like telling her I wish they would have been this diligent about getting Bill in for appointments when we had no idea what was wrong with him; I had to freakin' beg those assholes to see him...but, when it's something easy that they don't have to work at figuring anything out, they try real hard to get you in. Easy money.

I really, really hope, when it is time for me to get a job, I won't have to end up working for some place that is a bunch of jerks. The clinic I go to has always been like that--with the exception of one scheduler/receptionist and maybe two nurses, all the rest of the female worker bees around there are a big bunch of social rejects when it comes to dealing with patients. I can't even count the number of times I've shook my head over those people. I sure hope I am not like that wherever I end up working; in my opinion, if you don't like the patients, do something where you don't have to deal with them.

I cannot stand it when people talk down to me, use that patronizing, condescending tone, or otherwise treat me like I'm just another not-too-bright person that they have to deal with. That is all you really have to do if you want to get rid of me in a hurry, because I won't put up with it for long. It is unconscionable when a person who is supposed to be a friend does that; it is the thing that I would NOT put up with from the kids; it is unacceptable and a thing I will not put up with from people whose salaries I AM PAYING. I never, ever, ever want to be one of those people that acts like their shit doesn't stink and that everybody else in the world is so very far beneath them. So that was my annoyance for the day. Luckily for me, I went grocery shopping after the movie, and the kid who checked me out was really, really pleasant. That was nice after dealing with the clinic asshat. Bottom line? Labs next Monday morning, and then the doctor appointment the following Monday after labs. Which I am going to pay at the rate of $5 per month.

On a happier note, it felt good to get it all out of the way. With the doctor's appointment taken care of, now I just have to get a plumber over for my kitchen sink and some shrubs and rocks or some such. Not looking forward to either one of those; I don't really want to spend the money, but whatcha gonna do. Gotta be done, and I am so looking forward to having some nice flowers and container gardens this summer, since I'll be spending quite a bit more time out on my deck, being unemployed and all.

**That's about enough from me for now.**

**ELEVEN YEARS**

March 23, 1998 was also a Monday. I highly doubt that I will ever forget that little factoid; it was the day my Mom died, and there is really no rhyme or reason to the things I remember from that day 11 years ago. I'm thinking that anybody else who has also lost their Mom knows what I'm talking about. And if you haven't and, thus, have no clue what I'm talking about? Please just know how fortunate you are, even if sometimes (or even most times!) you'd still like to wring your Mom's neck.

Maybe it is just me, but I have always thought that there is nothing else in the world quite like the mother-daughter relationship. It can be complicated, it can be up and down, it can be a fine line between hate and love and sometimes both all intertwined and, no matter what it is, it is not the same as any other relationship. Mother-son, father-daughter, grandparent-grandchild; all wonderful, just not the same. Maybe I just feel that way because of my own personal circumstances--with it just being my Mom and I for so long--but, yet, I still see the same thing with other mothers/daughters, too. And I guess that's not even really all that important. In one way or another, losing your Mother is one of those very profound life experiences.

There was a book I read a long time ago, way before my Mom died, called "Motherless Daughters" by Hope Edelman. I sort of remember finding it in the bookstore and knowing I needed to read it, even though it had nothing to do with me at the time. One of my good girlfriends at the time had talked to me about a friend of hers--we all worked together then--whose mother died when she was 14, and I remember thinking about this "friend of a friend" when I found the book. It was really, really good--no matter what your age is, then or now.

I guess it's raining right now; I will find out for sure in a little while when I take the garbage to the curb--knew I should have done it last night! Like I said yesterday, a rainy day or two isn't so hard to take after having many sunny days. It just means I might stay home and do some of the things I should do around here instead of being out running around! And it's looking good for seeing "Taken" tomorrow.

**Ahhh...life on break is good! :)**

**LAZY DAY, YET...NOT**

As always, turn off the music player on the sidebar to enjoy this little gem of a blast from the past! I just love Spanky and Our Gang, the singing group...



It was another good day here; I think I am finally starting to decompress a little bit. The plans we had for the day were tweaked a little bit, but it turned out to be just fine; in fact, I got to spend some one-on-one time with my son and it was really, really nice. That hardly ever happens. The two girls were supposed to go to the hockey game while Todd, Lori and I went and did something and then we'd get some dinner with the girls. As it turned out, Lori's brother gave her two more tickets to the hockey game so she and Stacey D. (beloved family friend who is really just family without qualification) got to go to the game with the girls.

I was going to be a good girl and stay home and do laundry and some other things around home since I have been running for two days straight and even made time to go in to work this morning. But then Todd called and suggested that he and I run out and grab some lunch, do some errands, and then come back here and do just a couple of little things that needed to be done. Whenever he comes around, all the neighbors come out to chat; when he lived here, he got to know everybody just as much as I do, plus knows a few that I've never even talked to. It was so much fun, and totally unexpected.

When Lori first called and told me about her chance to go to the game, I thought about seeing if Todd still wanted to do something, but then decided against it as he is always so busy and I didn't want him to feel obligated. I know him and, if I ask, he'll do everything he can to do whatever I ask. He works really hard and doesn't have that much free time so I decided against saying anything, but then he thought the same thing! How fun is that anyway!

Tomorrow can be chore day, because I think it is supposed to rain. I hope it doesn't, but with all of the nice days we've had, I think I can handle one day of rain. Maybe even Tuesday, too, because on that day I plan to go and see "Taken." Todd and Lori saw it Friday night and they both liked it, plus I've heard good things about it from other sources, too. Has anybody out there seen "Coraline"? I was a little taken by the previews for it, but I don't usually go to animated/cartoon only movies, but that one looked like it might be kind of good. I just don't know anyone who is seen it, so I haven't heard anything.

The last couple of days, I have been a strange blogger and a practically non-existent blog commenter. I was struggling a little bit with some things that have been on my mind and in my heart and when that happens it's always good for me to write it out. There are some things, though, that...well, ya know, much as I love all you guys it's just not public-forum-type stuff. Well, it could be, but I don't want it to be... See what I mean? That's why the last couple of days around here have been so blah.

It's nothing new and different, it's just the same old issues of one sort or another that I now have to take to deeper levels in order to be at peace with myself. I also really need to get my sense of self back to where it used to be not that long ago. I have made great strides that way in a short period of time already, but it doesn't all come back overnight when it took a few years to tear down. I have been told that I don't share much of myself; the funny thing is, I thought I was the type to share a LOT of myself if anybody ever seemed interested. The thing is, I haven't been real good about surrounding myself with people who wanted to get to know me better. And then of course, along comes alla y'all...my best friends. But, man, it's tough to put everything out there in such a public forum. Does any of this make any sense?

**Well, anyway. I'm just glad I've got time to do lots of "cleaning." It feels good!**

**DUPLICITY**

I saw it today, and it was a really good movie! If this is, as has been said, Julia's comeback movie, then we will definitely be saying "welcome back" to her. It was just one of those good suspenseful, twist-and-turn, a little romance but no sex movies. What it was, too, was a little long--I was practically late for my massage! The thing is, it didn't seem long when we were watching it; it wasn't until we were walking out and I noticed that it was 3:50--and the movie started at 1:25--that I was shocked. There were a LOT of coming attractions, though, so maybe that had something to do with it? I don't know, but it all worked out okay, and we got to see what movies will be coming out soon. And there are a lot of good ones to see.

"Duplicity" ~~**1) contradictory doubleness of thought, speech, or action; especially: the belying of one's true intentions by deceptive words or action, 2) the quality or state of being double or twofold.** As I was watching the movie, I was thinking about how much work duplicitous people are; they must even be a lot of work to themselves because they can never, ever trust anybody. Not even the people they love. Because they are the way they are, they have to believe that others might be duplicitous, too.

After the movie, I went on my way over to get my massage. Do y'all remember my broken butt? Whoa! When she worked on my left hip, wow did I ever feel it--and I think because of the broken butt! But the massage felt good and it's all okay now.

After my massage I met Lynda at this little family owned Chinese place in Lakeville for dinner. It's close to her realty office and she had an open house this afternoon so she just had to run up the road a little. It was very, very good!

**All in all, another beautiful day!**

**MY LATEST MANTRA...**

...is "SO DONE AND OVER"!!! It seems like that is what I have found myself saying A LOT over the last couple of weeks. And now I am SO DONE AND OVER with being DONE AND OVER. Even though it is always an ongoing process, the immediate changes that needed to be made to my personal life have taken place and now, as of about 10:15 p.m. Friday, March 20, my academic life has been handled. No more BS, at least for the time being!

This is where I am at right now, right this very minute, although I did start yesterday by going to lunch and a movie at the Mall of America with Lori and Brenda. It was the first time I had met Brenda, and she is even nicer than Lori said she is! We had such a good time--laughing, joking, just an all-around good time. Lunch at Twin City Grill was wonderful as usual; I have never had bad food there. I had the mushroom flatbread/St. Paul chopped salad combo and, although it broke my heart to do so, I was forced to leave behind some of the salad. Because we also partook of the spinach/artichoke dip appetizer, it had to be done. :)

We saw "Slumdog Millionnaire"--Daryl, you were absolutely right. I loved it. What a terrific "triumph of the human spirit" movie, and I think it should be a required movie for anybody who isn't satisfied with their life. It was so beyond what I expected, even though it was not always easy to watch. I won't say anything more in case anyone who hasn't seen it is considering it; don't wanna be a spoiler. All I will say is...see it!

I think I'm going to have to see "Duplicity" today right before my massage; the timing works out perfectly so I figure I'm supposed to see it. Yup, I can justify darn near anything. After the massage, I need to stop at the grocery store--FINALLY!--but that is all for errands for the day. I am devoting this day to total and complete relaxation.

**YAY FOR SPRING BREAK!**

**SO CLOSE I CAN TASTE IT**

I am officially finished with Keyboarding I and Medical Law and Ethics. Those were my two good classes. I still have written things for both Sociology and Humanities, but they're just a few paragraphs and pretty inconsequential, which would be why I'm just gonna do them tomorrow night, and enjoy a couple of Summer Shandys NOW. BWAHAHAHAHA! God bless the person at The Jacob Leinenkugel Brewing Company who came up with Summer Shandy!

I am going to make full-use of my break, starting tomorrow right after work, when the Pally and I will once again take the Mall of America by storm. Our criteria for deciding which movie to see was basically, whatever's playing in the VIP theater. So, neither one of us was particularly looking forward to seeing "Slumdog Millionnaire" but that's what's in the VIP and that's what we're seeing because that particular theater is so wonderful I think I can safely speak for both of us when I say we'd watch test patterns if that was what was showing.

Saturday is, ta-da, a massage from my favorite massage therapist--just to work out any lingering kinks from the breaking of the butt. I'm trying desperately to avoid going through a round with the-world's-best-chiropractor. And besides, it's been a long time since I've had a massage and I love them so! I can't think of any better way to kick off my spring break.

Sunday, two of my older granddaughters are going to the Wild (hockey) game at the Xcel Center in St. Paul, so Lori, Todd and I are going to get together and do something while they're at the game, and then the five of us will go and grab some dinner somewhere after the game is done.

I've got stuff going the biggest share of next week; I'm just hoping the good weather holds because we're planning on going to Stillwater on Thursday--if the weather holds. Bill and I used to go there quite a bit--we'd alternate between Stillwater and Red Wing--but I think I can count on one hand the number of times I have been back since he died. It's definitely a "good weather" place, though, because you just wander around all the shops downtown and hang down by the river--so, no fun if it isn't nice weather. We'll go to Plan B if that's the case!

There's other stuff, too, but if I talk about it all now, I won't have anything to say next week, and I will have plenty of time to blog uncontrollably. I know. Can ya stand it? BWAHAHAHAHA! Who knows, I might even have the brain capacity to whine talk about MY ENDLESS *FEELINGS* something more important than what I've been talking about. Doncha just know too bad, so sad for you it's all in there, that important stuff!

**Something for y'all to look forward to again!**

**JULY 31, 2009, IT'S OFFICIAL**

Signed the papers today, so it is now set in stone; July 31 will be my final days. It's a little ironic that July 31 will be the end of a 31-year career. Let the planning begin for Okoboji!
★ ☀ ★

I'm not going to start in again, being all weepy and disbelieving and talking about how this is the first time ever that I will be unemployed. I may feel weepy and disbelieving, but I'm not gonna start in again. I promise. Instead let me tell you about my books for my medical coding class. Holy Hannah, I could not believe it...there are THREE of them. Three huge, thick, heavy books just for that one class. Then there is the one huge, thick, heavy keyboarding book, and the one fairly thick pathology book. Seriously, if I ever want to take all of the books somewhere with me, I'm going to have to load them up into the rolling bag. Mary Lee had bought herself this really cute Vera Bradley-like rolling bag to lug around her huge, thick, heavy nursing books, and she just recently bought one for me, too. She probably wishes I would give it back. I won't, unless she asks.

I woke up this morning feeling sinusy and allergy-like; kinda lousy but not, if that makes any sense. I have had the windows and doors open, enjoying the fresh air, so I guess that's what is aggravating the situation. Oh well, it's not bad enough to close everything back up again.

The rest of today and tomorrow, I am busy as hell. I have a couple of finals, some discussions and a few assignments left to do before I can flip this quarter the bird and say sayonara. I've got some plans cooked up for this weekend and next week, what with the good weather and all, so that is a good thing. Speak of...hey, Pally, I sent you a text about Friday; when you get a chance, drop me one back telling me where to be and when, okay?

**For now, I can feel a Chipotle run coming on!**
Mmmmm...Chipotle! ☄

**THE '70's. IT WAS FUN. FUN, I SAY!!**

Just in case there are any of you out there that still doubts we HAD IT ALL GOIN' ON back in the '70's, I offer you the following:

**BE SURE TO TURN OFF THE MUSIC PLAYER IN THE SIDEBAR FIRST**



Now, seriously...what could be better than a little Sweet Sensation and "Sad, Sweet Dreamer"??? The clothes, the dance moves, the lights, and the 'Fro. You definitely could see a good 'Fro or two back in the day!

**Ewww, waa waa...ewww, waa waa...ewww** C'mon, now, you KNOW you want to sing it!

BWAHAHAHAHA...have a good day y'all!

**FLORIDA'S GOT NUTHIN' ON US!!**

I have made no secret of the fact that I was really, really bummed about not being in Florida from March 13-March 22 the way I was supposed to be. It was like adding insult to injury...first, I finally had to come to the realization that the person I considered to be my IRL BFF never even really liked me much and then not being able to go on vacation because we were supposed to go together. HOWEVER!!! The last three days? Makes me really, really happy that I'm right here because, right now, at close to 6:30 p.m., it is SIXTY-FIVE DEGREES! ☀ ☄ ☀

THIS is why I have felt so happy the past few days. This is what we Minnesotans live for; the time when we can emerge from the depths of hell we call winter, shed a few layers of clothing, open up the windows and breathe some fresh air before it becomes unbearably hot and humid and the attack of the killer gargantuan mosquitos begins.

It was a busy day; I finally had to go to work, and even stayed for 10 hours! I KNOW!!! I pretty much didn't mind because I was busy the whole time and I am listening to the audiobook of "Playing for Pizza" by John Grisham, and it's really good. After work, I did errands and then came home and picked up NannyLu (my cat Nancy) to go to the vet for a nail trim. The poor girl was sticking to stuff again; she was overdue.

There are some things that will never cease to break my heart. One of those things is to walk in the vet's office and see a young couple crying and hugging and holding an empty, folded-up blanket. Twice, I have been the one crying and holding the blanket, but with no one to hug. If there are people in the world who are not bothered by the illness or passing of a pet, I don't want to know those people. Really, I thought I was going to join them in the tears; I just felt so, so bad for them. They are in for a rough night.

And now, guess what? I have awards! Two of them! It has been a very long time since I've received an award, but y'all might remember how much I love them. I finally took the ones from two and three years ago off my sidebar, so now I can start anew. YEAH, BABY!

This one is from my Pally Lori at this life is owed to joy!:




And this one is from my wonderful friend Claudia at stitchintime:



Thanks, you two! If I can ever get my mind to form a coherent thought or two, I will pass them along and keep the lurve going cause it's so fun! Y'all know me...just sappy enough to believe there is no such thing as too much lurve!

**And now, for something a little different...like 360 degrees different**

I found the following the other day over at Heather Duckworth's blog, Faithful Froggers. For those of you who don't know this blog, Heather lost her young son, Jacob, a few years ago to cancer. Jacob was one of a set of triplets and their family had many, many followers in the CaringBridge community, and beyond.

Both this image and this poem really spoke to me. There are so many different kinds of grief, but one thing they all have in common is that they all break your heart to one degree or another. For me, I grieve any loss of a person who has been important to me; even when it's not a death, even when it's for the best. But ya just bandage up your heart a little more and go on. Sigh.



Grief
~~by Gwen Flowers

I had my own notion of grief.
I thought it was the sad time
That followed the death of someone you love.
And you had to push through it
To get to the other side.
But I'm learning there is no other side.
There is no pushing through.
But rather,
There is absorption.
Adjustment.
Acceptance.
And grief is not something you complete,
But rather, you endure.
Grief is not a task to finish
And move on,
But an element of yourself-
An alteration of your being.
A new way of seeing.
A new definition of self.

**SLAP AND TICKLE, COURTESY OF BLOGTHINGS**

These were kind of a fun way to start the morning...I had the choice of going in to work or taking random Blogthings quizzes. Guess we know which I chose. And let me just say right here and right now, I put the "nickname your boobs" quiz on top because I am particularly pleased that mine will now be called "Slap and Tickle." None of you guys knew me then, but there was a time when that nickname, in any capacity, would have been quite accurate. And it beats calling the girls "Puke and Snot." BWAHAHAHAHA!

What Should You Nickname Your Boobs?

You Should Call Your Boobs "Slap & Tickle"

Sexy!

This one? Nah, I don't think so. For my name to be Kiara, I would have to be WAAAAY more than slightly different!

What Would Your Name Be If You Were Slightly Different?

If You Were Slightly Different, Your Name Would Be: Kiara

Ooooh, catchy!

And the rest of these prove that Blogthings loves me. And lest anybody would think differently, I take my quizzes very seriously, and answer them honestly and thoughtfully. If there was a "How Big of a Quiz Geek Are You" quiz, I would score 100.

The Sunset Test

You Crave a Thoughtful Life

Your dream is to live a live you cherish. You don't want to waste time on things that don't matter. Doing what you love with the people you love is the most important thing to you. You want your life to be about rest, relaxation, and recreation. You want to slow down and appreciate what you have. You believe that wisdom comes to those who don't rush through life. And you'd like to gain more wisdom over the years.

What Do Your Initials Say About You?

You Are Intense and Courageous

When You Are Comfortable: You are bold and dramatic. You have confidence in yourself, and that's enough to get you through anything. People see you as capable and goal oriented. You have your eye on the prize, and others admire that about you. When You Are At Your Best: You are ambitious, and hard-working. Adversity allows you to shine. You resourceful and able to make due. People see you as honest to the point of bluntness. But they always know that you'll be fair. You have the good intentions. When You Are in a Social Setting: You are a determined and responsible. You strive for success, and you know what it takes to get things done. People find you to be trustworthy and a good leader. You treat people well, and they benefit from your wisdom.

What Chakra Are You?

You Are the Heart Chakra

You are loving, kind, and empathetic. You feel for the world, and you truly value peace. You have many close relationships, and you work hard to make them harmonious. You are accepting and understanding. You are tolerant of all sorts of viewpoints, even if you don't agree with them. You are very forgiving. When you love someone, your love is unconditional.

**So, after all of this thoughtful, heartfelt, intense courageousness that is kim-d...aren't you glad you stopped by? :) **

**YOU'RE ON, PALLY! AND SUE IN WI? THIS IS FOR YOU, TOO!**

Hey Pally! Look to the left and look down...I think it's way past time!!!



So, whenever it's good for you, let's do it! Next Friday and anytime after, for two weeks! I'm totally open, so just let me know when it's good for you. Hopefully, the weather will stay the way it is...awww, it'll be fine!

And, Sue? In WI Sue? Why won't you get a blog? Seriously! I would love to tell you all about my many experiences at Okoboji/Arnold's Park/(Big) Spirit Lake/Templar Park Resort, and compare notes and all, but how can I when you don't have a blog? Please! Don't make Pally and I hound you to death. Don't make us create a blog FOR YOU. Cause we will. :) And when I go to Okoboji this summer, how can I tell you where I'll be in case you wanna come too!

**And thanks, Lanny, for the advice on the Aveeno! It works for the whole bod, right?**

♥~~♥ And just because I can and just because I think it is kinda funny and very, very fun, I will be changing my profile picture quite often. Most times, I trust that y'all will just know, without me telling you, that it is all in good fun and I'm not "hiding" behind these images. Y'all know what I look like, right? Just for F.U.N. Thank you. Thank you very much ♥~~♥

**OMG, WHAT HAVE I (NOT) DONE**

Well, in a word? LAUNDRY!!! No shit, you guys, y'all should see what I've got goin' down there, and it speaks to my level of OCDness that I have not run out of underwear!

Whoa, I cannot even venture a guess as to how long it is going to take me to get through all of it! I have never, ever been this behind before--after all, laundry is the one household chore I lurve--which, I guess speaks to my level of bamboozlement these past weeks (months? because, if I'm honest, this all started at the end of October after coming back from the Florida-trip-that-turned-into-my-personal-hell).

But, ya know what? It is such a beautiful day here that I feel like I can get all sorts of good stuff accomplished today. Seriously! But before I go all Minnesotan-talking-about-the freakin'-weather-AGAIN on y'all, I have two questions which I must ask before I forget.

First of all, my laptop is doing this thing where all of a sudden a box will pop up saying that Microsoft is really sorry for the inconvenience, but Internet Explorer needs to shut down. Then it gives you the choice of sending an error report or not sending an error report then, poof, whatever I'm doing in IE is gone because IE is gone. It's happened more frequently the last couple of days. Does anybody know anything about this? It's more of an annoyance than anything; after it shuts down, I just open it up again and carry on. I don't get it. Anyone?

Second of all, does anybody know of a really good skin creme/body butter/lotion/whatever for extremely dry skin? Maybe it's age catching up with me, maybe it's that this has been a more wicked winter than we've had for a while--maybe a combination, who knows--but I've got serious alligator skin, and none of my usual lotions and potions are doing the trick anymore. I have never had problems like this with my skin because I've always been a lotion freak but, wow! I've been using this Vaseline Intensive Care gel body oil and even that soaks in like it's nothing! Suggestions?

Okay. Now. Back to the weather. BWAHAHAHA! Really, it's sunny, it's warm, it's beautiful...and I cannot believe how much better I feel, all the way around. All of the stuff that has been bugging me is...like...gone! Sorta like Internet Explorer. :) All joking aside, on a day like today there is just nothing that seems too wrong--isn't that great? I have some windows open so as to air the old fartsack out, I'm doing laundry and getting ready for some schoolwork, and it's all good on this day! It doesn't hurt, either, that I slept about 10 hours. WTH is up with that, do ya suppose? I thought we were supposed to need less sleep as we get older??? And Hallisicle informed me it's a fig newton of my imagination that the springing ahead time change makes me tired, since nothing is really lost. I beg to differ, my little friend!

It's not even bugging me anymore that I'm not in Florida. At some point, I'm going on my own because I thought Tampa was an easy airport to navigate, and I thought it was pretty easy to get from the airport to St. Pete Beach, too. Michelle, I'll let you know and maybe we can meet up if it turns out to be a good time for you! I don't really want to go in the heat of summer and I'm going to have to wait until a break from school, but I'll figure it out.

Another place I want to go is San Diego, which is another one of my favorite places--in addition to New York. It's been a long time since I've been there, and that's another really easy place to get around, in my opinion. I love it there. I'm gonna have to make a list!

For now, though, I will just be enjoying my break between winter and spring quarters, which begins next Friday! Maybe I will have the laundry done by then--but maybe not, too! :) I don't have anything planned for the break but I don't think it will be too hard, what with the weather being so much better. Everyone will actually feel like being out and about. Gosh, I make it sound like I've got a whole big circle of "everyone"...BWAHAHAHA!

**Time to go start another load of laundry...hope y'all are having a really good weekend!**

♥~♥ Details for Saturday, March 14Sunny. High 48F. Winds SSW at 10 to 20 mph. Saturday night: Partly cloudy skies. Low 28F. Winds S at 5 to 10 mph♥~♥

**REAL FRIENDSHIP...**

...is something I have learned a whole lot about in the past couple of weeks. As I have struggled to restore my self-esteem to its previously high level, I have had to take a good, hard look at myself, since I am the only one I can do something about. As with everything else in life, it is an on-going process. What I know for sure right now is this. Sometimes...most times, if you're me...the most wonderful friends live thousands of miles away. I can't even begin to express how much y'all have helped me lately, and how much it means to me.

Last Saturday, I wrote briefly about not making a distinction anymore between "IRL" friends and blog friends. Well, that is one of my biggest A-HA moments, I think. Seriously. You all ARE real life to me. So what that we can't run out and catch a movie together on the spur of the moment? I know that with just a little bit of planning, Lori and I CAN catch a movie together. I can e-mail back and forth with lots of people, I can text with lots of people, I can talk on the phone with lots of people, I can meet up on Facebook with even more, and we all meet up on our comments pages. I am appreciative of each and every one of you...my true, really, and for sure friends!

And now, back to bitching about schoolwork. BWAHAHAHAHA! No, not really. Things are going pretty good...just still so damn busy! But there is an end in sight...next Thursday. YEAH, BABY! I'm already planning my celebratory movie. My grades this quarter aren't gonna be great but, ya know, I can live with it. I got my bookstore confirmation yesterday that my spring quarter books are on their way. I'm really, really excited to start learning Coding, and to get deeper into Pathology.

What has been most surprising, in a good way, this quarter is my Keyboarding I class. You know, I thought that with all of my years of typing/keying that it would just be the same ole/same ole, but nothing could be farther from the truth. For one thing, I got to upgrade to Word and Outlook 2007 through my Keyboarding class. Sweet! Prior to starting school last July, I had NEVER used Word. I was gimping along, just barely being able to figure enough out to do my work. All of that changed once I started this class because it's been all about learning to do all of the different stuff in Word, and it's really been great for me.

Also Medical Law and Ethics; I've really enjoyed that, too. So, all in all, it really hasn't been a wasted quarter, just too much! It's not even that I didn't like Humanities and Sociology, it's just that I didn't have enough time to devote to either of them--at least not enough time to really get into it. It's just so nice to know that, after this weekend of madly doing assignments, I'll have a couple off...YAY!

**Maybe I can get caught up on laundry...** BWAHAHAHAHA!

**IT PROBABLY WON'T LAST LONG**

Do you believe that I just plain don't have anything to say? It's true.

I have to get through this week and next and then I get a little break between quarters. It's much needed, but I will probably be bored when it actually happens. No, not really. There are movies to see, regular books--rather than textbooks--to read, and places to go with people that I want to see. Or sleep. I could spend the whole time sleeping (book the trip, Bina, so you can do all my shit while I sleep, m'kay? YAY!). When I am having questionable times, I love to sleep.

Anyway. Nothing is going on with me. I am still ass-deep in schoolwork with papers, finals, reading up the wazoo, and discussion posts that turn into novels. Financial aid is all done and in place. Looking forward to Coding, Keyboarding II and Pathology II.

Work is work. It is boring but I listen to my audiobooks. The weather is supposed to turn nicer by this weekend, and it's about time. It is freakin' THREE DEGREES BELOW ZERO THIS MORNING and it's practically the middle of March. It's about time, indeed.

I miss ML more than I anticipated. I had talked to her in one form or another practically every day for four years and I miss it. That is not to say that I made a mistake because I didn't; I did not arrive there lightly at all. It had to end; it had to. In the last e-mail when she blasted me, she even said she never trusted me (and, after all, how can you like someone that you don't trust--so I figure she didn't really like me all that much, as well). That's the only reason I can come up with to explain why it was so easy for her to say the things she said and to treat me the way she did. I have to assume that, for her, I wasn't so much a treasured friend as just someone who could and would be there when it was convenient for her. There is no doubt in my mind that she is doing just fine, and that she has successfully erased me from her mind, phone, etc. It's harder for me, even though it is necessary. We were supposed to be leaving for Florida tomorrow. I just could not risk having the same thing happen this time as what happened last time. I just wish it all could have been different. To get past everything, it just takes time. And mostly I'd rather just not talk about it, but I just did. Whatever. Even when things are inevitable and necessary and the right thing to do, that doesn't mean they are easy and painless.

**So, it guess I talk a lot even when I don't have anything to say...**

**THE NON-POST**

This is sort of the way I feel after all of the keyboarding lessons I did this weekend. My fingers have grown mini-hands all their own, and I will be the subject of Hallisicle's next Morbid Monday. Along with my hunchback shoulders and crooked neck.

And now I'm tired, and I still have so much work to do. I did manage to get to the store this morning--we're having a little party at work tomorrow to celebrate my February 28 company anniversary and my three co-workers' March birthdays. I'm always in charge of bringing the "salty" equation to the parties, because they all bring enough sweet stuff to bring about sugar shock to the whole department. That's about as far as I've gotten, though.

Sometimes I wonder how many hours a day and how many days in a row it would take me to get everything done. What the hell am I doing wrong, anyway. Man, I think I could just nap on and off all day. This just was not the right time for all of this Daylight Savings Time business. Okay, enough of this.

I don't really have anything much to say. This day is gray, gloomy, foggy, damp and cold and that's actually sort of the way I feel. So maybe I should just go and get on about doing some of the stuff that I should be doing instead of whining about it.

**GAH...UGH...YUCK**

**I DID THE FORWARD...NOW, WHERE'S THE SPRING???**

This "spring forward" time change always has a tiring effect on me. Especially now that we're doing the forward way, way, way out in front of Minnesota's version of spring. I really like it that it is light later at night, but they have not successfully fooled me into thinking that anything has truly been gained. Oh no. I LOST an hour of sleep, and this first day after the springing forward always seems to go by way too fast, which I also don't need, due to the copious amounts of keyboarding I must do today! But first I'm madly sucking down copious amounts of coffee, hoping that eventually I'll have a caffeine kick-in and actually feel awake. Since I cannot even remember the last time that I felt any caffeine effects, I will not hold my breath while I'm waiting.

Yesterday's birthday get-together was the perfect break for me. My Baby Girl, my Peanut, sent me the following text message, "Grandma, I dyed my hair!! So did Tori, and she got hers cut." Followed by, "You should hurry up and get here because I have to leave at 3:30 for a babysitting job. Can you PLEASE come early?" This is the same one who, when she was just a tiny girl, would say to me everytime I called, "Can you come over?" I love this particular girl so, so much--she is kind of just a little bit special to me. She was my first granddaughter (although Tori is the one who turned 16--blended families, ya know!), and of all of the grandchildren, she is the one who bears a resemblance to her Grandfather. I look at her eyes, and I see Bill's eyes. Her blonde, blue-eyed coloring is Bill's coloring (well, the previously-blonde, what with the dying of the hair and all!), and she has a couple of facial expressions that are just like his. And she is a kind, good person--just exactly like he was. But anyway.

So I got there early and we had a little pre-party. I love it when the whole crew gets there, but it was also really nice to spend some time just with Bailey-my-little-Peanut and Tori-the-birthday-girl. All hair changes were successful and looked just fine. I do secretly hope Bailey soon goes back to her natural blonde, though. It's just more her (or maybe it's that it's more him?). But I didn't tell her that. :)

It was a really nice, relaxing time; we just did the whole family/friends, sitting around eating, talking and laughing thing--just exactly what I needed yesterday. it was just so NORMAL, and I had a revelation. I love my blogger friends; I sincerely do, and there are several that I do intend to meet somewhere along the line. Not all, but several--I don't have the time or money for an around-the-country trip! BWAHAHAHA! But, ya know, considering the way things have been as of late in the friendship department, I think I am just going to put the whole in-real-life-friend thing on the back burner for now. I obviously need to review and refine my choice process, and that will happen eventually, I suppose. Or not. But, ya know...really? I don't really see the relevance anymore of making a distinction between blogger friends and in-real-life friends. I mean, this is my real life, too. And being with my family yesterday was just so easy and so the way it's supposed to be. I'm going back to spending whatever little free time I will have with them. Maybe this was the purpose of the whole debacle that happened; to get me back to where it's really important. I was giving way too much attention in the wrong direction, I think, so I needed a little jolt to reset my priorities. When the student is ready, the teacher appears.

We were all talking about that very thing yesterday...about how last year--spring and summer when we typically get together a lot and do lots of things together after hibernating in the winter--we were all going our separate directions too much and how we missed being together as much as a result. So we started making some tentative plans...the Minneapolis Farmer's Market, bbq-beer-backyard games get-togethers, and a couple of road trips. And all with people who have fun with no qualifications and who I never, ever have to censor myself around. And I WILL get my road trip to Okoboji in this summer--I have only been wanting to do it for three years! I would like to grab a teen granddaughter or three and go; that would be so fun! Lots to look forward to on this end, and I'm really glad I'm only taking three classes spring quarter!

**And now, keyboarding. YAY!!!**

**WE ARE FAMILY...**

I am really happy today. The thought of spending time with my family celebrating Tori's Sweet 16th birthday is one that has kept me plugging away this week. As you all probably already know, I love my family very much and I know that they love me, too--without condition, no matter what. Most of my grandkids are now teens and are busy with school, jobs, activities, and life in general. Each and every one of them seem well-rounded and well on their ways to becoming productive, valued members of society, and I am extremely proud of all of them. I cherish the times that we are all able to get together and talk and laugh and have fun because the number of times this happens diminishes as the kids get older. I cannot believe that tomorrow, Tori will be 16. And that on Monday, she could very well become a licensed driver. EEEK! No, not really. She's a very good driver. The bottom line is, today is going to be a blast. It's not only going to be my whole family, but also all of our family friends...

When Todd and Lori started going together and then got married, I not only got the best daughter-in-law I could ever hope to have, but I also got the benefit of meeting and getting to be friends with all of her friends. And let me tell you, they are a wonderful group of women. Fun, funny, compassionate, talented, sweet, nice and completely lovable--each and every one of them. These are girls (women) that Lori has been friends with, in most cases, since elementary school--all of the rest since junior high. They have all been through just about all the ups and downs one can think of together--the good, the bad, the ugly, the happy, the sad, the mad and the glad--and they have all stayed friends over the years. They don't always agree, they don't always get along...but, at the core, they love each other and there is not a question that it will be that way for all time. It's the way it should be. We have a riot when we all get together, and this is exactly what I need for this day!

I submitted my research paper draft last night, with a couple of hours to spare. I don't think it is very good, but at least I got it in. That buys me a few days to fine-tune what I will add to it before I turn it in as final. To be honest, getting something done to turn in as a rough was all I really cared about. I still have a TON of work to do. The next paper I pull out of one of my bodily orifices is about Norman Rockwell. I have actually been looking forward to this particular paper, but I won't have enough time to really enjoy it as I thought I would. The good part is, my school focus has strengthened again. With my "rough" couple of weeks, I just was NOT taking care of school business the way I should, but now I'm back on the case. YEAH, BABY!

I'm feeling good...the broken butt seems to be mending nicely, so far I still don't need the chiro but it's still not out of the question, and all the general aches and pains from The Big Jolt have calmed down. Everything is pretty darn good because it helps me so much to write out everything that seems problematic to me; the ways in which it helps to have supportive blogger friends are too numerous to mention. There are still gonna be times...ya know, when the mind works overtime. But I'll deal...more likely than not in the same way...and then pretty soon those times will be less and less until they aren't anymore. YAY FOR THE PROCESS!!! bwaha!

**Come Saturday morning...I'm going away with my friends...we'll travel for miles with our Saturday smiles.**

**AND HERE I AM, PROCRASTINATING LIKE NO ONE'S BUSINESS!!!**

Whoa, talk about stiff and sore! If I thought yesterday was bad, it's nothing compared to today, which just proves how lucky I am that it wasn't worse. I just hope I will be able to get by without having to go to the chirpractor; I just don't want to have to deal with that right now because I have been doing so good! I have been feeling chiropractically good for a long time and I was hoping that would be a trend that would continue. We'll see.

Overwhelmed as usual. I have lots and lots to do, in lots and lots of areas. Lots and lots of schoolwork (yeah, yeah, yeah, what else is new), lots and lots of housework, lots and lots of laundry, lots and lots of praying (could all of you guys who are so inclined please step up the prayers for Kyle and Denise? They go inpatient today for his bone marrow transplant which, hopefully, will be done by Easter. LOOOOONG, HARD ROAD. Prayers needed.), lots and lots of thinking, lots and lots of sorting out.

I want everyone to remember I am still "in the process" here, in lots of different ways. Different things come up in my mind, and I need to work/write them through so I can keep on motoring ahead. Bear with, please. A woman just went jogging by with one of those strange-looking jogging strollers, wearing a really pretty bright orangish-red shirt--VERY pretty! I got sidetracked. Anyway.

I am glad that I don't feel the need to inflict pain on other people with my words and opinions; I am glad that even when I feel hurt by having that done to me, I don't feel the need to retaliate and hurt the other person back more. One week ago today, was the start of many e-mails flying back and forth, with the conclusion coming on Saturday morning. In that final e-mail, I got to hear (read) exactly what ML really thinks of me as a person. Even bearing in mind that they were words of anger and disappointment, they were also the words that told me I had done the right thing. Because, if that is what she really thinks of me; well, why on earth would she want to be around me if she thinks so little of me as a person. It really explained a lot.

Many, many times I wondered how she could say the things to me that she said...you know, just in passing, but stuff that could be hurtful. That final e-mail explained it. All along, that was how she truly felt about me. Well, here's the deal from my end, because I stopped responding when I got that e-mail. I don't think mean, horrible things about her and, even if I did, I most certainly would not feel the need to tell them to her. I am of the school of thought that people are more than aware of their shortcomings, if not consciously then at least subconsciously--they do not need me to point them out.

As it is, she TRULY thought that the reason I cancelled that trip was because I was trying to hurt her for all of the times over the past four years when she hurt me. That could not be farther from the truth. Here's the real reason I cancelled the trip, and it was the beginning of the real and true end of the friendship.

A few weeks back, on Valentine's Day, when we worked the concession stand together, we ended a very fun day by going out to dinner. While we were sitting at the restaurant, we were talking about our upcoming trip to Florida, and the day that we would be taking a side trip to St. Augustine--the two of us, along with her parents who are in their early 80s. She was sort of laughing as she was telling me about her phone conversation with her brother (whose house we would be spending the first weekend at) and his reaction to her going with the three of us. "What are you going to about getting to walk around St. Augustine; I mean, you've got Mom and Dad who are slow...and then you've got Kim." Something happened in my head right then. I said, "Hey, wait a minute. How does your brother know about my slow walking?" She started to back-peddle a little bit, but then finally said, "Well, I might have said something to him about it."

Right then. I knew. I knew that this trip would be the same as the last. She would not be happy about being there with me because I would not walk as fast as she wanted, I would want to relax more than she wanted, I would not do anything right for her. Again. And she would get frustrated and take it out on me by telling me how sad and pathetic my life is, how she doesn't understand how I can settle for my life, and that I am more than just overweight. Again. Heck, it was only February 14 and her dissatisfaction with me was already starting. A switch in my brain flipped right then and there. But I still needed time to process.

Between February 14 and last Friday, the hotel room also started becoming an issue. She made the reservation; the only room we could get was a room with one queen-sized bed, which we took because we REALLY wanted that hotel. Being as how it is spring break time and people make their reservations far in advance, we were lucky to get a room at all. We just decided I would keep calling back to check for cancellations on rooms with two beds.

Maybe I'm weird but, to me, one bed isn't an issue. Lots of times over the years, I've shared a bed when necessary with a friend; it just was no big deal. It isn't like we cuddled or anything, for crying out loud. But the more time passed, the more the one bed was bugging her, even though she's the one who took the reservation. Finally, she decides she's gonna bring along a blow-up twin mattress/bed/thingy. And I'm gonna sleep in the bed while she's on the floor on the blow-up thingy. Okay, I could see where that was going. It was an e-mail about that issue when I got the "I'm only going to say this once..." response. That condescending, mom-talking-to-a-not-so-bright-child, finger-in-the-face, patronizing type of response. Again. Which is when it all came together for me, and there was no more question for me.

That still didn't make it easy, though. I think I tried to be a good friend; I really tried, but I just don't think I could ever be good enough. In the final note, she said that I always only gave about 50%, I never shared as much of myself. This, from the person who told me early on that she was not a "sharing and caring" type of person and didn't want that level of friendship. This, from the person who would tell me how sappy I was every time I showed any kind of emotion. This, from the person that didn't want to have go too deep into feelings and such, after I tried to. No, I didn't share much, because I didn't think she wanted me to. No matter what I did, it wasn't going to be right. With her, there was always a "but"--at least as far as I was concerned. "I had a good time, but..." "You look nice, but..." "I like you, but..."

I had always told her I would take her exactly as she was; that I did not want her to change anything for me. I do not believe in that; asking that of a friend. I guess maybe I did want the same thing in return, even though I sort of knew that was not going to be. I always sort of thought that if I was a good enough friend, if I was kind enough, if I treated her the way a real friend should, everything would work out. Maybe that was a little bit conceited of me...I'm so good at being a friend that she would eventually see all of my good points? I don't know what I was thinking; things just don't work that way.

There are some things I think about her, and the way she is. They are not anywhere near as critical as what she thinks about me. Mostly, it's just stuff about the way the things that happen to us in the past shape us into the people we are now. And that going forward is the only thing to do...after we've dealt with that which should be dealt with because, if we don't, it will keep coming back...even when we think we've moved on from it.

She is a person I was friends with for four years; I don't want to point out her shortcomings and make her feel bad. All I really wanted was for her not to make me feel bad. I most certainly did not call a halt to the trip as a way to "get back" at her, but that is what she thinks of me. She didn't say anything about why I called a halt to the friendship. Just the trip. I never, never, never thought she was "using" me to get to fly. I offered the flights to her; I never thought that was what she was looking for. But she said she thought that was what was in my head. For her to even consider that I would think that...maybe it was true. I don't know, but I never thought that, and I still don't. All I ever wanted was for her to see as many good things in me as I saw in her. But if it's not there, it just not. So, done and over. And, yes, I am still mulling it a little, but that is because I need to deal with it all in my moving-forward process. I have to be truthful to myself. And you don't just wrap up four years that quickly. It's coming along, though.

See, when I start talking about stuff, it just flows. I didn't even know I had all that much on my mind and in my heart. Wow. Last Friday, when I realized what was going on and what I needed to do, I felt lighter; I immediately felt tension and stress leave my body. I feel kind of that way again, after writing all of that out. Only today, it's hurt feelings and sadness that I feel leaving my body. I feel my self-esteem coming back, slowly but surely.

It is all going to be alright. I still have my sense of humor. I still laugh. I am so, so rich with friends. I have lots of places that I can travel to, and I have a ton of people that I NEED to meet. In person. In all of my in-real-life glory. Four years ago, I was not scared to meet people face-to-face, and now I'm getting back to not worrying about it. All is as it should be.

**Now I just need to do all my damn schoolwork!** BWAHAHAHAHA!

It means the world to me to be able to express all that I want to...it means the world to me that I don't have to go through things alone.

**I THINK I BROKE MY HIP...OR MY BUTT...OR, GASP!!!, BOTH...** AND NOW WITH FILM!

**UPDATE...FOR THOSE WHO WANT TO SEE BROKEN-ASSNESS IN X-RAY FORM, HERE YA GO. BWAHAHAHA! GOTTA LOVE GOOGLE IMAGES; THEY HAVE EVERYTHING. BWAHAHAHA!**

I am possibly the world's biggest clod; always have been, and things are not improving any with age. Is it normal to have to concentrate so hard on walking? Don't answer that.

So, this morning, I'm heading out to my trusty vehicle. I had plenty of time to make it to work by 4 a.m. I got outside and it actually felt balmy...35 WHOLE degrees. I had my tote bag with a couple of school books and some food for lunch inside. All was well. I took a couple steps into my garage and had a couple of steps to go to get to the truck when, BAM, down I went. I hit a little slick...and very dirty...patch on the garage floor and my right foot went out from under me. I didn't take a direct hit to the ass, it was more on my left side/hip/butt area, with left hand involvement. Road rash on the hand. Dirty jeans. Nice. Ran inside and changed clothes; punched in at 4:07. Shit, do ya believe that? Now I have to stay here a half-hour longer.

As the day is rolling on I'm feeling quite broken. I am stiff and sore and jarred, both legs hurt, and my left arm hurts. I swear, I went down so hard I think I bounced. But, ya know, I will live. And at least I just feel broken. It could have been so much worse. I could just see it--the neighbor comes out to go to work and notices the garage door open and investigates, to find me flailing around on the garage floor doing the classic Minnesota crappy flop. EEEK.

Speak of broken. Apparently my thought process is, too. What the hell was I thinking of, cancelling the whole trip to Florida. Why on earth didn't I just cancel her part of it, and go on my own; the hotel was in my name! Man, I cannot believe that I did not think about that. I just was not thinking clearly. But I guess it is for the best anyway since that will be finals week of this winter-quarter-from-hell.

Man, I'll be happy to have this one over with! Next quarter is the first class for medical coding, keyboarding 2 and pathology 2. I only took three classes since I will not be out of work yet. A large part of what made this such a ghastly quarter is that I took four classes and it has just been too much. I've noticed, all of my medical-type classes are straight-up, no-BS, concentrate on the important material. But those "fluff" courses that you have to take to get a degree? OY, those are the killers. Jeez, they want you to analyze everything and then analyze it some more. For fun, I think those people sit around and analyze their bellybutton lint. And then talk about it endlessly and sum it all up in a wordy paper with plenty of "collegiate-level analysis." It's been a long time since I've spent this much time contemplating why I like Bach better than Beethoven because, apparently, it isn't collegiate enough that you like it just because you do. Boring. I'm excited to have all medical classes for spring quarter; it'll be a nice break!

And in other news...TRA LALA LALA LA LA LALA, HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET SIXTEEN--YOU'VE TURNED INTO THE PRETTIEST GIRL I'VE EVER SEEN, HAPPY BIRTHDAY SWEET SIXTEEN...to my granddaughter Victoria Lynn on March 8. The party is on Saturday and I can't wait to see my family and all of the friends that make these get-togethers at Todd and Lori's house so fun. Tracy and I had lunch last week, but I haven't seen anybody else since the January birthdays! Tuesday when I had to run out to school to drop off some financial papers, I called Lynda and we met at a new Mexican restaurant for a late lunch and was it EVER good. Lunch special...mine was a beef enchilado, beef taco and beans or rice and Lynda's was two chicken enchiladas with beans or rice...for $5.00. So good!

All my school financial stuff is all done and taken care of, now if I could just get my act together on my research papers and start studying for finals. I took tomorrow off and am planning on heading over to Borders to study/write some papers there; home is too distracting! I see a coffee-filled long weekend for me! :)

**That is all, from broken-butted kim-d...**

**LETTING GO 101...NOT SO MUCH FOR DUMMIES, AS FOR BEGINNERS**

I found this article here: http://www.ehow.com/how_2127663_time-cut-someone-out-life.html

Really, I cannot even tell you how accurate all of this is! How I ran across this might seem kind of pathetic, but I'm going to admit it anyway because I don't ever want to hide behind anything anymore; I want to get over automatically feeling like everything I do is weird or stupid.

You know how some people break up with their significant others but they want to remain "friends"? I'm not one of them. You know how some people only have superficial friendships so they never get close enough to be hurt? I'm not one of them, either. What I am though, is a person who takes stuff from other people without saying anything; and then there are also people that are of the type that it doesn't make any difference if I do say something because they assume no responsibility for anything. I take it, take it, and take it some more, but then something will happen and it's the straw the breaks the camel's back and I just want to be done with that person.

Historically, it has taken me a very long time to get to that point. As I get older and my time on this earth gets to be less, I find myself getting to this point quicker. With Debbie, it took 38 years--and, after that, I vowed THAT would never happen again because, really, how could I be so stupid. How could I miss the fact that she really didn't like me all that much. With Mary Lee, it has taken me just under four years to get to this point, but part of that is because she was more overtly mean, more often--and in such a personal, cuts-straight-to-the-bone manner all the while saying it was because she "cared." Right.

So. I was just wondering if I'm some sort of freak for needing to have a clean break from relationships--of all types--that have gone bad or that have just "faltered and failed." And what is the first thing everyone should do if they want to find out if they're abnormal? Why, Google it, of course! BWAHAHAHA! Which is exactly what I did, and that's when I found this--and it's as if I was meant to find it.

My way has never been to yell and scream at the person and tell them all the ways I think they're horrible; my way is to just be done with it. The way I look at it is this, even if someone has really, really hurt me, it's not going to do any good for me to lash out at the end and try to hurt back. I figure, God knows. And I believe, without a doubt, that what goes around comes around--someday, some way. But maybe I have been wrong to be this way? Thus, I Googled. Yes, I know. Lame. I truly believe, though, that I was meant to find this. It looks longer than it really is; nonetheless, I really think it's worth the time it takes to read. Plus I'll have more to say ;)...

*****

How to know when it's time to cut someone out of your life

by parvenue

Introduction

Most of us try to be a good friend, or a good person. We're there to help someone move, or pick up the pieces after a bad break up, or even to give them a dinner or a warm bed to sleep in with clean sheets and blankets during those "hard" times. We hold their hands through the worst of fears, and maybe we hold on too long. When is it time to let go to old friends, and lovers and just plain people in general?

Instructions

Difficulty: Challenging
**(Challenging? Man, that's an understatement; more like harder than hell, no matter how necessary it is.)**

Things You'll Need
Self-esteem
Courage
Determination
Willingness to change
a big friend
check me out: www.richardsmiraldi.tv

Steps

1
Step One
Write a list of the things that are going on in your life concerning your friend. Does it seem that you are doing more of the giving and they more of the taking? Are you putting aside things that are important to you in order to facilitate their needs? How much abuse are you taking from them?

2
Step Two
Ask yourself honestly what this person "brings to the table?" Now you may feel like you are being selfish, but really ask yourself, what do they add to your life? Do you find yourself complaining about them for more than three hours after you've been with them?

3
Step Three
Realize that you may be of victim of needing to be needed. You may desperately feel the need to be putting out fires. Does it seem to you that you are always rescuing this person? You are the one to bail them out of jail, you are the one to pick them up from the supermarket when their car breaks down, you are the one to watch the kids or take their smelly Uncle to bingo..it's YOU YOU YOU YOU. How much do they ask of you?

4
Step Four
Do they borrow your things? How are they affecting who YOU are? Do they keep you from being your truer self? Do they bring you down? Do they criticize your every move, thought words or ideas? And when you suggest doing something without them, do they try to put you on a guilt trip?

5
Step Five
Ask yourself, what is the price you are willing to pay for this friendship? Recently I had a friend who was drunk and going through a divorce who countlessly ended up on my doorstep crying and the other night he came banging on my door asking me to drive him to see his wife, because they were getting back together and now they weren't and he asked me to drive him two hours to her house, knowing full well that I had a job to go to early in the morning and an important meeting. And I asked myself, as you do, "He says that he truly cares about me, but does he really? Or does he only care about what I can do for him or how I can be of service to him?" Let me ask you a question, who died and made this person the boss of you?

6
Step Six
At what point have you had enough? Remember that it isn't good for anyone if you first don't take care of yourself. Any of us can fall victim to those friends (and we all have them) who always seem to be in a bind for money or time or favors or food, or whatever. In this world there are givers and there are takers. Recognize who gives and who doesn't. Even Jesus said, "the poor will always be with you" looking for a handout. If they are starting to cost you time and health and money, or all of the above, or are just bringing you to a place where you just don't need to be......realize it's time to cut them out. And do it, in one fell swoop.

7
Step Seven
Make a clean cut once you've established that this person is really really bad for who you are, and more importantly who you want to be. We can't soar when we're being held down by turkeys, those folks who wish to shoot down our dreams and our lives. They are out to get what they can get, even if it's only emotionally. Stop taking phone calls, emails, stop seeing them, don't go where they go and avoid them as much as possible, and if they do get ahold of you...be doing something else, somewhere else..remember the life you save, will be your own.

Overall Tips & Warnings

once you make the break, make it. don't double back.

stop all calls. don't let them try and con you on the phone

you don't owe them any explanation, people fall in and out of each others lives - if you do hear from them, by accident, tell them you just lost touch

establish other interests to keep you away from them and they from you

be with positive life affirming people not those who seek to hold you back and hold you down

check me out: http://www.richardsmiraldi.tv/

beware, these "friends" will act like spoiled children

expect nasty phone messages and emails, don't read them, don't answer them

expect them to say bad things about you to people

let it go and be free, don't be too hard on yourself, you may be your own worst enemy. But beware of the guilt trips.

*****

**I just...ya know...even though it is the right thing to do and is long overdue...it isn't easy. Bear with me.**

**WHAT I HAVE DONE THIS MORNING**

This morning has been spent getting my academic house in order. It is amazing how fast one person can fall behind in classes when it's toward the end of the quarter, she's stressed in more ways than one, and tries to "fix it" herself instead of asking for help in the first place!

Outside of my family and friends (that would be all y'all), school is the most important thing to me right now. It is my future; it is what will enable me to do what I truly want to do for the rest of my working years. My school is fantastic. There are resources for EVERYTHING and they make it so easy for students to access them. Because I have this deluded idea that I should always be able to handle everything on my own with no help, it took me until this morning to call my academic advisor for help on how to get back on track and salvage the quarter. SCORE! Sweetness and helpfulness is Angela.

As a result, I have lots and lots of work to do so I might be scarce for a while. But, then again, I might not, if I can swing blogging from work...BWAHAHAHA! I just want to keep you up on what's happening on this end. Research papers are happening, that's what! OY! I tried to get Hallisicle to do the "effects on individuals and society of job outsourcing" paper, but she just went on about somebody named Dave with no english skills and goats in the background. That is a good start for my paper, but I need more! BWAHAHAHA.

So, other than that, I'm doing okey-dokey, arti. chokies!

For anybody who is still confused on the big friendship drama issue, here's the short version of the wrap-up. We were (sort of) friends, now we're not. She is a good person, so am I. Just not so much together. There is way, way too much to repeat it all, but my blog is FULL of it. Every time I seem confused, heartbroken, sad, and not knowing what to do in a friendship way...that's probably when something was going on. It was a LOT. Too much. Nobody should go on like that. I'm still happy to answer any and all specific questions, but other than that, I don't know what more I could say that would make it less confusing. It's really not, but the e-mail is kdanielson@earthlink.net if you want to ask me anything.

**Gonna run now, but I might be back later.**

Oh...and if I don't comment as much, please know it's just a time issue; I'm thinking of you and will comment as soon as I can. Thank you, ONE AND ALL, for all of the support. Don't know where I'd be without it.