PROBABLY JUST RANDOM THOUGHTS...

I have had a good weekend. Friday night Deb and I had a spur-of-the-moment drive-through dinner at Culver's, which was perfect because that meant I got to go out without even changing out of my sweats! Plus, I had the best fish sandwich I've ever had! We had a good time just chatting and having dinner. I realized that I miss her. She recently started a new job so I don't see her as much as I used to; previously, she worked at the same place as me and we would go out for lunch all the time. That's okay, though--if anyone needed a new job, it was Deb because she worked in the very strangest department in the whole company, and I don't know how she stayed there as long as she did! Yesterday is just a blur because it flew by so fast, between napping and playing on my computer. This is my favorite day of the week. The whole day is ahead of me, plus I still have all of tomorrow. Not that I do anything too exciting, but being the hermit that I am I just like being at home. In a perfect world, I would work from home. I know I would be perfectly happy never leaving my house. This is a fairly new development; well, actually, I've always been kind of a homebody, it's the degree to which I'm a "homebody" that is a new development. At what point does a homebody become a hermit anyway. It's just such a relief to walk in, close the door, shed the public persona and just be me. I like to be with Frank and Nancy and, as their source of food, water, treats and clean litterboxes, they like me, too. I like when the kids stop over, and especially when Lori stops over. I love Lori so much; she is a true blessing in my life and I'm so fortunate that Todd had the good sense to marry her. Every son should marry the person that makes his Mom's life so much better :)! There are so many things and people in my life that literally give me reasons to wake up each day and for that I am so grateful.

IT'S THE WEEKEND...

I so look forward to the weekends, but I also tend to feel very sad. For all of our 13 years together, weekends were when Bill and I would makeI tal the most of our time off together and have fun! I miss him so much--even after almost five years without him--that I am still amazed that I can feel this empty and still function. There are two me's. There is the one that the world sees; I go to work, I talk to people, I laugh, I joke around, I function just fine--people who don't know me would have no idea that I've lost my best friend, I'm sure. Then there is the other me, which is internal. It's hard for me to even explain, but I'm going to try; I need to try. I talk to him in my mind and when I'm not talking to him, I'm playing the movies in my mind of our life together. While all of this is going on in my mind, there is the sinking feeling in my stomach, and the "internal crying"--that's when I can keep myself from obviously crying, but I feel it inside. Then there is the broken heart. When my Mom died, I found out what it feels like to have your heart hurt. With the combination of my Mom, Bill's Mom, Bill and Grandma; my heart went beyond being hurt to being broken. I miss and love them all SO much, and I just will never, ever be the same. In some ways, that's good. I think I'm a very good (step)Mom, and an excellent Grandma (which all still blows me away); I put much more into those roles than I did when Bill was alive. I think that is because I am so aware that Todd and Tracy also lost their Dad; when he was alive, he was a good Dad to them, and he loved them SO much and was so proud of them. And they love him. The three of us love and miss him. When he was alive, it wasn't quite so important for me to play a big role for them; they had their Dad. As soon as we finally got the cancer diagnosis, that changed because the four of us--Bill, me, Todd and Tracy--started spending a lot more time together, and our bond was cemented. Because their biological mother is basically "absent", they had no one else to turn to during that time. And I tried to be strong and there for them. I did not let them see me cry; although Todd did see me melt down twice; I wanted them to know that they weren't alone and that they could count on me, so I would cry at work. In the early morning hours when I was all by myself at work, doing those strange hours so I would only be gone while Bill was sleeping, I would cry and have breakdowns. I figured, I was all by myself there, so I wasn't bothering anyone else. I still cry at work, but I am no longer crying everyday. For me, that is progress. I think that anybody who can just "get on with it" after the death of their spouse is much stronger than me, or something. And to get married to someone else? That is fine for other people, but not for me. In fact, right after Bill died and I got the paperwork from the Social Security office, wrapping things up, I had a revelation. In the body of SSI's letter, they numerically listed the facts. One of the items, either #4 or #5 I think, was something like "William H. Danielson married Kimberly J. Danielson April 28, 1989. Marriage ended by death April 26, 2001." I was sitting right where I'm sitting right now, all by myself, and it was a weekday morning. As soon as I read that one statement, it was like being punched in the stomach, and I moved straight to near-hysterical crying. I can't quite remember if I said it out loud, I think I did--"my marriage DID NOT end; yes, Bill died, but I am just as married to him as I always have been. Death has not ended my marriage." My marriage vows said "til death do you part", but death did not part us; I will never be parted from Bill. His influence on me was much too profound to be wiped out by death; he lives on through his children and grandchildren, but he also lives on through me because I am a much better person for being married to him.

NOW I HAVE A BLOG, PART II...

This is so fun...I just wanted to come back and do another post just to make sure I could do it right. Okay, I know this probably seems pretty lame, but to appreciate just how important this is, you'd have to know that I am completely computer illiterate. I know just enough to do my job at work. I have only had my personal/at-home computer since the beginning of the year, so I am trying to teach myself things so I can sort of come into this century! It doesn't take a whole lot to make me happy. Now I just wish someone else would read this--ha!

NOW I HAVE A BLOG...

I'll admit it right now--I don't know exactly what I'm doing. I just know I wanted someplace to write--something I haven't done in a very long time--and now, instead of being completely private about my writing, I want to be able to share it with anyone who cares to read. This is a place where I will not censor myself; it is going to be about what I really feel and not what I think I should feel.

The title of my page is "lifeafter..." What that means is, life after Bill's death. As I'm approaching the fifth anniversary of his death, he is still just as much a part of me as ever, and I love him just as much as ever. I will be talking about Bill a lot; he is on my mind all the time and has always been the person who has impacted my life the most. Even after all of this time, I'm still trying to figure things out and come to terms with what my life is like, should be like, on and on, after...

This is just my first installment, and I will keep it short until I can absorb in my mind the fact that I'm actually doing this!!! I'm so excited. Me, the computer illiterate! Who'd have ever thought??