HMMMM, LET'S SEE--WHEN DO I THINK I'LL START DATING AGAIN...

Usually, when someone is going on and on about how "busy" they are, I'm the one who is doing the big eye-roll in my mind. I've never been an especially "busy" person; I'm only as busy as I make myself, and I tend to think life is stressful enough without scheduling myself into even more stress. That being said, however, I do realize that there are plenty of Type A personality people out there who are not only in a perpetual state of busy-ness, but they actually thrive on it. I've never been and never will be one of them. They make me tired. I like balance; I really do. I like some busy-ness, some down time; some work, some play; some caring and sharing, some being alone. Sometimes even boring is okay and, being the Virgo that I am, I really love just being where I'm supposed to be when I'm supposed to be there.

These last few weeks, especially, really have me in a tizzy. And I am just SO tired of it. Yes, I will have a nice reward at the end, if I'm still sane. No, really, it's not quite that bad, but I will be very happy when next Friday, July 6, gets here. That is when I expect my life will settle back in to what it usually is, only with new carpet, furniture, etc. When that happens, I would like to 1) go see a really good chiropractor, 2) go get a really good massage from Teresa, and 3) hop in my adjustable bed with a Leinenkugel's Summer Shandy, adjust that baby into a relaxed sitting position, turn on the massager, and watch a movie. And rejoice in knowing there will be no more strange people coming and going in my house, no more loud noises and, hopefully by that time, no more digging through the pile of stuff in the bathtub trying to find something, like checks with which to pay for the adjustable bed (the Leinie's I'd buy, even if I had to use a credit card). Truly, a while back when I was feeling especially out-of-sorts about the position I had put myself in with the house-spiffing-up, I finally decided that I was going to do my best to try to get some sort of enjoyment out of the process instead of being all pissy about it. Which I did--a little bit. But I'm just never going to be a person who can truly revel in living a life of chaos.

On a completely different note. Yesterday, two completely different people in two completely different states both hit me up with the same question. When do you think you will start dating again. WHAT THE HELL? For one thing, I graduated from high school in 1974--we did not "date." We hung out in groups, and then we would start "going WITH" a guy--which was way different from "going OUT with" someone. Usually the going OUT a couple of time was just the leading up to the inevitable going WITH, because you already knew you liked each other after spending so much time together hanging out in groups. When I hear the word "date" I think of ponytails, saddle shoes, poodle skirts and 1957. Then, too, both of my parents each had one failed marriage under their belts prior to marrying each other, so I was never encouraged to even consider getting married at a young age. Of course, then, by the time I was 28/29 with no prospects in sight, that was apparently also a little worrisome--only for my parents, not for me. I was raised to be independent pretty much from the get-go, and that was also the way the tides were turning in the rest of the world in the years I was growing up. When I got into my 20s, I pretty much went with the assumption that I would NOT be getting married, and planned accordingly. Not that I had anything against marriage because I didn't as some of my best friends were already married and even my parents, by that time, were spouting about maybe I should start considering it. Yeah, right. That's easy. The simple plain fact was I had not found anybody I WANTED to marry, or even spend a whole weekend with. Hehehe. That old, old, old fashioned saying that you used to hear about guys saying--"she's not the kind of girl I would take home to meet my parents"--well, the ones I went with in my 20s were fine for the time, but I wouldn't have ever taken any of them home to meet my parents. And all of this is just to highlight the fact that the TRUE MIRACLE is that I got married at all. And it was the best thing I ever did, because I did it with the best person in the world (for me). Being married to Bill changed me in about every way a person can be changed, and it was all good. I became a nicer person, more trusting, more giving, more open--because I married the person I truly loved and who I truly wanted to marry. And no offense intended to anyone, but I honestly think that if more people just waited a little while until they find the person they truly love to marry rather than just doing it because time seems to be getting short, the divorce rate wouldn't be so high. But that's just me, and who knows why anyone does what they do, especially when it comes to marriage. Basically all of this whole paragraph is leading up to my answer to the question of when will I start dating again. The answer is, probably about the same time that hell freezes over. BUT, and it's a big but--if by some miracle there would be another person in this world that is right for me, I would know it and I would go with it. But I sure as shootin' am NOT going to be serial dating or internet dating or any other kind of dating. Ewww. Besides, I don't think there's a huge line-up of people waiting to "date" a fat 50-year-old with one fake knee, two cats and nine grandchildren. BUT, if there is ONE person out there that is looking for that, he will be led to me and we will happily saunter off into the sunset together. And it will also be proof positive God is in control.

It's nice that people don't want me to be lonely, though...

NOTHIN' TO SAY BUT I'M SAYIN' IT ANYWAY...

These are usually the posts that get kind of interesting. I start out with nothing much to say, but then somewhere along the line I take a turn and something psychotherapy-worthy comes out :)!

I can start out by professing my deep love for blogging. I love it that I have someplace to come where I can write whenever and whatever I want. I always "marvel" just a little bit at people who comment/sign guestbooks complaining about what is written. HELLO? You don't like it; don't read it. Very simple. Knock on wood, I've been very lucky as I've never been "critiqued" on any of my posts. In fact,the biggest part of what I love so much about on-line journaling is the on-line friends I've made this way. A couple of years ago, I never would have imagined this. The face-to-face friend that I see most often started out as an on-line friend. And to those of you who comment here? You're all the best. Even when I'm whiney, boring, strange, and what-all else, you keep coming back. And you're all funny, nice and supportive--and there have been times when I have felt a helluva LOT less alone because of you. So, I guess this is just a small "Thank You" for being here for me. SIMPLY THE BEST, I TELL YA!

Today I have been very lazy. Still feeling the insomnia-bout effects a little bit. As I wrote to a friend in an e-mail this morning...The good news is, my insomnia resolved itself; the bad news is, it resolved at 1 a.m. this morning when the alarm was set for 2 a.m.!!! So, I turned the alarm off and slept until 3, and went into work a little later than usual. Which, of course, means I don't get out of there until later. EEEK...don't like that at all. I had big plans for all I would do when I got home, but I got sidetracked by a nap--a very long nap--on the couch, enjoyed along with a fuzzy little girl kitty for company. Man, I am SO worthless sometimes. But I know myself well enough to know that once my motivation returns after getting caught up on my insomnia-induced sleep deprivation, I will be doing double-time. After all, at about this time last week, I was wondering how I was ever going to get done all I had to get done and in a tight timeframe. Well, I got it all done, even though I was down to the wire. I'm a-thinkin' that will be the case this week, too!

I guess this time I'm not going to take any big self-discovery turns...

Instead, I will now go forage for food...

I've STILL gotta cut up the watermelon...

KNOCKED UP...

I went and saw "Knocked Up" today and, I have to say, I really, really liked it. In fact, it was much better than I thought it would be. Of course, there were a couple of times I cried. Actually, it reminded me very much of one of my very favorite movies from 20-or-so years ago, "She's Having A Baby." I cried over that one, too. The first time I saw it, I went with one of my very good friends at the time, who was a very handsome gay guy. We both came out of the theaters with tears, that we were also laughing about. I remember him asking me, "What are YOU crying about?" I told him I was crying because I would never know what it was like to feel the happiness they had at the end of the movie, with their healthy, beautiful baby. Also, at that point I was operating under the assumption I would never get married, either, and I was also crying a little bit that I would also never get to experience love like that. My gay friend then told me he was crying for the same reasons I was. This movie was sort of the same way. Only this time I went alone so there was no one to discuss it with. Thusly, here I am.

There was a lot of swearing and a fair amount of sex, lots of pot-smoking and stuff--and it rang true. It was the kind of movie that shows both the best and worst of the world today, in a fluff type of way. I mean, the premise of the movie? That really happens, ALL THE TIME. I'm almost sure, though, that it doesn't turn out the way it did in the movie. But I don't even want to think about that. I just really liked the movie. I needed it today; after taking that couple of hours to veg out and escape, I then was able to do more errands and accomplish a couple of other things that I needed to do. I now have a (what I think is) appropriate outfit to wear to my cousin's July 4 wedding. I'm still wondering just exactly what the hell she was thinking with a wedding in the middle of the week on Independence Day. I always thought my parents were crazy enough, with their July 5 wedding anniversary--but it did make sense in that it provided more hours in which to party. This would be their 39th wedding anniversary coming up, minus the 6 months they were separated in 1983. Good thing, I guess, that we threw them a party for their 25th.

I did not lift a finger in this house today, I did not throw anything away, I did not pack anything up for charity pick-up, I did not rip anything apart, I didn't even open the mail. I just needed a break. And I got it and I feel really good now. Good enough at least to go cut up my watermelon, which is of utmost importance :). Hopefully I won't have to take the advice of my drug-pushing buddies. What are you two trying to do to me, anyway? HAHAHA! I think my blood must be like spring water because Tylenol PM puts me to sleep for about 15 hours and then keeps me grogged out for another 33 or so hours. And Benadryl? You don't even want to know what that does to me. HAHAHA! I am sincerely hoping it won't be an issue tonight????

Maybe the cutting of the watermelon will combine with all my emotional-ness from the movie and plum-tucker me out so much that I'll fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow.

Um, yeah...

INSOMNIA...

Here I go again with the insomnia. This used to happen to me quite frequently, and it was really bad. I would sometimes go days and days without sleeping--at all. Then, of course, would come the big crash. Fortunately for me, it hasn't been like that in some years. One night of no sleep is bad enough.

I had good intentions when I went to bed early last night. After about 20 minutes of rolling around, I finally started reading my book. I read and read and felt a little tired--finally--so turned out the light. Nope. Changed ends of the bed. Nope. Finally, at 11:15, I decided to get up and go to work and make up the two hours from Saturday when I left early. It worked out okay, but I am really tired now. Hopefully I can get in a little nap. Because, if I do, I'm going to a movie this afternoon.

Do I dare go do something not even remotely house-spiffing-up-related? It's been a while since I've seen a movie and I'm missing it. I'm hoping that it will be as relaxing as it usually is and that I won't have another night like last one. Heck, I might even REALLY shoot for the moon and do a second entry later!

This blog is such a good thing for me...

WHAT IS IT WITH ME AND BAGS/BOXES...

I don't know whether to just keep right on laughing or call and make an appointment with a shrink. I just cleaned out my pantry. I will not even tell you how many bags I am throwing out. Also, shoe boxes from the bedroom closet; the shoes are already long gone! The REALLY sad part is, I actually have an emotional attachment to some of those bags/boxes. I allowed myself to keep a couple, then I bit the bullet and got ready to dispose of the rest. That is big for me...HAHAHA! What really matters is that I got the pantry cleaned out!

Because it is all so interesting, here's what was on the itinerary for today. Duct cleaning, furnace check-up and cleaning, and air conditioner check-up and cleaning. And buying cat food and, as a VERY SPECIAL treat, a Swiffer Wet Jet. And a new broom. Do I know how to live or what? But the real highlight of the day was the Wendy's Chicken Club sandwich I had for lunch. I have an emotional attachment to those, also. Because I had one for lunch last week, on the way back from my friend's cabin. Where I had a really good, relaxing time...and good food...and got to play games...and finish reading a book...and look at beautiful water whenever I wanted. But I'm not missing it as bad as I would be if I couldn't get the picture of it in my mind. Luckily, as I'm working or doing some of my fun stuff here at home, I just put myself in the screened-in porch, in my mind. Or sitting on the rocks looking out at the lake-that-is-like the ocean. Or sitting on the bench at the end of my friend's dock. I'm very fortunate to be able to do that, in my mind. My friend and her family are there and have been this past weekend, and I can imagine the great time they're having!!!! But, really, I am having a good time, too--in a twisted kind of way. I'm excited about everything that's going on here. It will be nice...pretty soon now :)!!!!!

I'm just glad that all that's left is getting the furniture delivered and the blinds installed. And that isn't until Saturday and next Monday. I need the break for the rest of the week without any workers here causing lots of noise and traumatizing Frank and Nancy (more). I'm almost tempted to go to a movie tomorrow...do I dare?

I am watching this show--something like "The Age of Love"--it's kind of like The Bachelor, but the guy is 30, and there is a group of women in their 40s and a group of women in their 20s. This is only the second show, and it is so WRONG, but kinda good :)! I personally don't think the guy is anything to write home about, but my taste is different anyway. I cannot believe I'm even watching this. It will be so much better when the more intellectual shows, like Big Brother 8, start. HAHA!

At least it keeps me from mourning the tossing of all my bags and boxes...

THIS IS THE CARROT AT THE END OF THE STICK...

So, I am still in a huge, huge mess here at home...but, oh, the tile and carpet? Beautiful, just beautiful. And in all fairness, I have to admit that if I was ever going to tile another room, I would want Bob the tile guy to do it. In fact, he did such a good job that if there is a next time I will take a day off to let him give me a step-by-step account of what he's doing and to do the proper amount of oooohing and ahhhhing. In about two weeks, it will all be done--that includes the cleaning and putting away of all my junk and it will have all been worth it. But, for now, I'm still in a huge, huge mess.

What I'd like to do is call 1-800-GET-TUBS (or some such) and have them deliver the biggest dumpster they've got and just start pitching bags without even looking at what's inside of them. How in the world have I collected so much JUNK? I never thought I was a pack rat but, apparently, I am. Now that I'm aware, though, that will not be happening anymore! HAHAHA--good intentions anyway!

This, so far, has been a great weekend. Yesterday, I went to visit my new furniture. Really, I went back to the place where I bought my new furniture, in order to buy more new furniture. When I got the first batch, I also found some bedroom furniture that I absolutely loved, but I wanted to look around because it seemed rather expensive--even considering the all-cedar drawers. That just shows how much I know; everything else I looked at was MUCH more expensive, and MUCH less quality. So, back I went to get what I should have just gotten in the first place. But it was okay because not only did I go, but my DIL and seven of my nine grandkids went with me! We had such a fun time! Since my son and two oldest grandsons are at the cabin and my DIL is also hosting my other three grandchildren for the weekend, I knew I wanted to get together with the who group at some point. BUT I also needed to get to the furniture store since it's being delivered next Saturday, so that was the solution. I thought, though, that the three oldest girls would stay behind and do their own thing, while DIL and the four youngest ones--who don't have any choice--went with me. But they all WANTED to go and it was SO fun!

We left at 11:30 and didn't get back to DIL's house until a little after 6, then we cooked a big dinner complete with corn-on-the-cob for two adults and seven kids. We had stopped at a farm stand on our way home and got the corn, peaches, strawberries and watermelon. The corn was incredibly good, and I can't wait to clear out a spot in my kitchen so I can cut into the watermelon. I just loved the day; it was so much better than if I would have gone alone.

Tomorrow I have people coming to clean the ducts, and also clean and tune-up the furnace and central air. I figure, since I have brand new carpet and freshly painted walls, cleaning the ducts is a wise move. What the heck, since I've got the big mess going anyway. Then the furniture--all of it--gets delivered next Saturday, and the blinds/window treatments will be installed next Monday. Then I'm done, and can go to my cousin's wedding on July 4 with nothing home-related hanging over my head!

What a relief...

IT'S ALL ABOUT THE PROCRASTINATION...

Well, here I am, doing everything except what I should be doing! Actually, I'm working a little, taking a break, working a little, etc. Um hmm...definitely more breaks than working. And tonight is "The Office" marathon. It makes no difference I've already seen all of them; I never tire of the "The Office." I don't know exactly how I think all of this is gonna get done with me sitting on the couch watching TV (which I haven't done in FOREVER...until now), but it will get done. It always does.

Okay, I'm gonna say this just once. Bob the crazed tile dude did a wonderful job. I started out all of this wonderful-ness by picking out really nice tile but, really, it looks great and I know he worked hard to get it just right. It's just such a difference in that I'm having three rooms and a hall carpeted in one day, versus three days for a small bathroom and a miniscule entryway. I guess this tile thing truly is a craft. Why else would it take so long. Hehehe. Okay, enough about the tile already.

I did not realize it, but I've got another fairly busy weekend coming up, I think. That is, I finally stopped to think about the things I had already committed to, and it's a good thing I thought before I agreed to anything else. Tomorrow evening is the church carnival after the conclusion of VBS, so I will be happily selling tickets from 5-7 p.m. Then I work, and I mean I really SHOULD put in a much longer day than 8 hours because I have only worked one 8-hour day this week. Yeah, I know how that goes. My son and two oldest grandsons will be gone for "guys' weekend" at a cabin for the weekend, so that leaves my darling DIL at home with the rest of the kids, so we will get together and do something to keep them all busy. Because, in addition to the remaining four of her own, she is also housing DD's three kids while they go out of town for the weekend, too. But, hey, they're all great kids--they're ALL my grandkids, and they're really no trouble. But I'm still gonna get together with all of them to even out the adult-to-kid ratio just a bit.

Sunday I will go to church, and I may even be able to find my offering envelopes by then. They have been amongst the missing for several weeks now, but I know they're here somewhere. Then I am going to try to put some of my house back together, which I will be doing all through the weekend. That is, I'll be doing that after cleaning up all of this tile dust. It is covering everything, and it is not easy to get rid of. I would love to call in the Merry Maids.

All I know is, as soon as I get this mess halfway put together, I am going to cook something really good, like P-Dub's lasagna. I am really missing cooking, and I'm sick to death of non-home-cooked food. I was okay until last weekend, when I actually got to eat home-cooking at the cabin. The friend I went with did the cooking, and she is an excellent cook. Saturday night she made chicken enchiladas that were to die for, and now I know how to make them! Sunday night she made sandwiches that turned out to be a lot like Marlboro Man's Favorite Sandwich, but instead of using flat cube steaks, she got these "steak" things from Sam's Club that resemble a small, real steak but when you cook them they separate into slices. Which, apparently, I found to be kinda cool since I'm writing about it, and which were VERY, VERY good. So after having two nights worth of really good homemade food, I am no longer happy with Chipotle and various drive-thrus. Plus I just can't wait to try out my new cast iron pre-seasoned pan and dutch oven. Now, though, that I think about those chicken enchiladas, maybe that's the first thing I'll make. They were seriously good.

I feel kind of strange. I just want to be relaxed and happy and to not think about things so much anymore. Even knowing that I have always been one to think about things, I still wish I wouldn't so much. It's one of those things that I pretty much got a 13-year break from because it just wasn't part of my married life to have a whole lot of deep thinking sessions; there just wasn't any need because we did not have a complicated marriage and life. Sure, there were a couple of situations but, in the big picture of life, even they were no biggie. I just loved being married to Bill. Even the few very rough patches we had, it was still the best thing going. The way I am now? Yuck. Pretty much all of my friends are married with children, so that means I can only be around them when they aren't with their spouses because couples don't hang out with a spare, they hang out with other couples. But I like couples, even if I don't fit in, in their opinion. The thing is, I still feel more married than not. I have a couple of single friends, that are divorced. Being divorced is not the same as being a widow, at least when the widow is me.

I'm not looking for another mate, even if it means I can only hang with my married friends when their husbands aren't around so all these husbands won't realize how hot I am and fall for me. HAHAHA; just joking. Now, all kidding aside, I miss being married, I miss being part of a couple, it is not fun to be a single. But even after all these years, it is still Bill I miss being married to, and he is still the only one I could imagine being part of a couple with. To start with, I am not what would be thought of by 99-9/10ths% of men as a "viable" female. I am fat. That takes me out of the game right away. Add to that, I am unapologetically fat and don't really have any plans to do anythiing to change it anytime soon, so there goes the other 1/10ths%. Even if I wasn't, though, even if it was the time that I starved and puked and drugged myself down to 108 and STILL had big boobs, I am still 50--and not even the 80-year-olds want a 50-year-old. Really! So, I am not now and probably never again will be in demand. Which is okay because I just don't know if I have it in me to care about anyone else. I love Bill and I can't just...well, this is just a darn strange thing to talk about because it's so not on my mind. Unlike my divorced friends, who are looking for that. All I'd like is to be able to hang around couples again, cause that's more what I feel like. If that makes any sense. But they don't want me. And I don't want the single ones. So anyway...

Maybe when my house is more together, I will be more together...

BY THIS TIME FRIDAY, IT WILL BE DONE...

Well, Bob the tile dude will be here tomorrow, too. This guy is one interesting piece of work. I feel really sorry for his wife. He's not a bad-looking guy; in fact, he's actually rather cute. About my age; maybe a couple of years younger, but not much is my best guess. But, for crying out loud, the guy is like an anal retentive, cob-up-the-ass, little old lady in serious need of a good ash-hauling. Please excuse my crass-ness, but REALLY! This morning...I just could not believe it. I thought I was bad! I think he was actually a little bit hurt that I was leaving to go to work; SERIOUSLY, HE ASKED ME WHAT TIME I'D BE HOME! In the 12 years Bill and I were married, and the 13 total that we were together, I do not recall even one time when he asked me what time I would be home! In fact, from the time I was 15 and in the 10th grade, NOBODY has asked me what time I would be home. I did not have a curfew because I had already proven that I could be trusted to get myself home at a reasonable hour. I just knew that if I ever stayed out too late, I would get grounded and then the possibility of a parent-imposed curfew. That never happened. So it seemed odd to me to be asked what time I would be home. I do think he would have been perfectly happy for me to stay here all day and admire his expertise at his craft! In my mind, I was wondering if women do not work in Bob-land. Plus he explains everything, in great detail. By everything I mean tiling technique; which, really, I don't give a rat's ass about. I'm more of a "I hire you, I leave, you do your thing, I come home" type of gal. If I wanted to listen to tiling technique, I'd be doing the tiling myself--ya know? I DON'T CARE, JUST DO IT AND DO IT RIGHT BECAUSE I DO BELIEVE THAT'S WHAT I'M PAYING FOR, THEN GET OUT OF MY HOUSE. But, he really does seem like a nice guy.

Maybe the fantasy is really in Kim-land instead of in Bob-land. See, I had grown used to the way it was when the painters were here. Sometimes there were two working together, sometimes it was just one or the other. And I never had to stay here to admire their work; ooohing and ahhhhing once I got home was sufficient for them to return the next day, apparently--along with the getting paid which, I think, was more important than the ooohing and ahhhhing. Because they are smart guys that way. Sheesh! Additionally, I don't know anymore about the painting biz now than I did on the day they started. BECAUSE NEITHER ONE OF THEM FREAKIN' EXPLAINED STEP-BY-STEP AND IN GREAT DETAIL WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO DO. And I do believe we were all just fine with me not being overly involved. And they did a beautiful job even without supervision from me, WHICH IS THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE.

Seriously, this guy better finish up with his damn tile tomorrow or I'm gonna be sitting in the corner talking to my imaginary friends. Because, see, I called today and the carpet isn't being installed until Friday--which I was SO happy about. Because that gave me all day tomorrow to prepare for them. Meaning, I would go to work tonight on my regular strange shift because I would not have to be home tomorrow morning to let anybody in, and then I would have the whole rest of the day uninterrupted to get stuff prepared for my three-rooms-and-a-hall worth of carpet. But NO--Anal Bob will be here at 7:15 AGAIN tomorrow, totally screwing up any and all plans for tomorrow. To add insult to injury, he's only going to be here three hours. But since I have to be here to let him in, and I have to work eight hours instead of his three hours, that's FIVE freakin' hours that I could be here in my house, doing what I need to do rather than being at work because I had to be home to let Bob in for three hours. GRRRRRR.

I have just been so incredibly sad and emotional and mad and what-all else today. Not JUST because of Bob, but he did figure in there. There are several CaringBridge websites that I follow; most I sign the guestbook, but some I just lurk. But I pray for them all, and I think about them all, and I am emotionally tied to one degree or another to them all. There is one that really touches me. She is a doctor; a pediatrician to be exact. And she has been the pediatrician for several CaringBridge children. Well, her cancer has recurred and it is not sounding real good right now. And today, her husband posted his thoughts and feelings on her CB site and I just sat at my desk and cried. This poor man is now having to face the fact that he may be living his life without his wife and he doesn't know what to think or do. I could tell him that it's much worse than your worst thoughts to lose your spouse to cancer. Bill and I were always extremely close; everybody, and I mean everybody, commented on how our marriage was "different" from any other because of our mutual love and admiration and adoration--and they all wanted what we had. Really, it WAS the gold standard for marriage, without even much effort; it just was. We were each other's best friend, and it's partly because of this that I have a tough time understanding friends who aren't so nice. I'm used to having him as a best friend. Well, anyway, this CB couple appear to have a really close marriage, too. And I just feel so sad for what they are going through together right now and also for what the future holds. It's such a lonely, empty feeling, and so helpless and out-of-control. That's a thing that I really learned through the whole process--I am in control of NOTHING.

Then, a friend of mine is doing a school thing that has me thinking about my Grandma and my uncles, and kind of the whole family thing, which I just don't have any family of origin left except for my two goofy uncles who hate me anyway. And on July 4, I'm going to the wedding of the daughter of the younger uncle, whose hatred for me is the strongest of the two. Great. Fun. but yet these are the only people I have left of my family of origin. Out of ALL of the family that used to have to rent the whole freakin' town Community Center to get together for Christmas Day...and THAT makes me sad; I mean, I still miss them. And I cannot get out of my head the fact that the half-sister closest to me in age died sometime in the past three years. I want to know how; I want to know what happened to her. I didn't know her, but I still would like to know. But I can't without opening a whole can of worms that I'm not prepared for.

And about my Grandma. She turned 87 a few days after my youngest-uncle-who-hates-me-even-more-than-the-older-uncle-hates-me slapped her into the nursing home. No dementia/alzheimers, no health problems, no mind problems. What landed her in the home was not being able to stay on her feet. Because she was a roly-poly (much like myself--wonder where I got it), she never broke anything--padding, ya know. We used to chuckle over that. But it was just a matter of time before she was going to hurt herself and she knew it, I knew it, the people making the decisions**cough**Uncle Doug**cough**knew it. So, in the home she went. She hated it and didn't want to be there, but she knew she had to. My house is a rambler and I would have gladly moved her in here, but 1) she wouldn't have it; hell, she wouldn't even HEAR of it, not for one minute. She just wanted to be in her apartment, just like always, and 2) I still had to be at work for 8 hours each day. So she tried to make the best of being in the home, always saying "I don't like it, but I know I have to be here so I may as well make the best of it." At first, she had a roommate who talked even more than she did. Well, I guess there were several of them that hatched a plot of some sort to "facilitate" a change they all wanted made but which no one was listening to. I didn't pay much attention; my attitude was, "more power to 'em for still having that kinda spunk and spirit." But nursing home employees don't like it much when the inmates stage small mutinies, so the participants got shuffled around to different rooms so it would be harder for them to get their heads together, so to speak. Grandma ended up with a woman who couldn't talk. It wasn't too long when I noticed how much it changed her; that sitting in her room with no one to talk to. She always had individually-wrapped candies and those huge bags of assorted individual small packs of chips and Doritos for treats for the younger nursing assistants; that way they would wander in and visit with her and pick up some chips or candy. I think they were nice to her; it seemed like it. And I tried to visit every other Sunday at least. I would wheel her outside and we'd usually have a "picnic" for lunch; sometimes I'd take her for a walk in her wheelchair, and other times we'd just sit outside and enjoy the spring/early summer. It was while we were sitting outside that I noticed how much being there was taking a toll on her; well, I mean, she was 87 so maybe it would have happened no matter where she was. But I do remember telling my uncle the day he put her in the home, "well, that will be the end of her." Do you suppose that's why he hates me? Well, ya know what? Too bad; sometimes the truth hurts. So I was thinking about all of that today. At least she only had to be there four months until she went to bed on a Saturday night and just didn't wake up. Which, I always thought, was her reward for having a rather shitty, very hard life. And still being the very, very best Grandmother ever, who taught me EVERYTHING about how to be not just a good Grandma, but the kind of Grandma that the grandkids love to be with.

I'm wondering if this even makes any sense. My fingers have just been flying; these thoughts have just been whizzing around in my brain. I'm a super-fast typist but I've hardly been able to keep up with the thoughts. This is the result, I guess, of the percolating.

Bottom line--I will be praying and praying for all the CB people...

YUP, IT'S THE DREADED DISCOMBOBULATION...

Why am I writing what I am sure will be the first of many posts today, at 7 a.m., when usually I should be entering my fifth hour of work? Because usually the places that one hires to do things like lay carpet (and I hear carpet is a good lay. Yeah, yeah, I know--old joke, but I still snicker just like I did when I first heard it when I was 18 or so) and whatever it is they do with tile like for someone to be home to let the workers in to do the job. And those workers all seem to want to work "normal people" hours. So here I am, waiting for tile dude to show up and, hopefully, finish up today. So the carpet layers can come and do their trick. After I have busted my ass doing all sorts of stuff I should have already done. But I didn't. And now I will have to do it while I am already feeling all discombobulated. I am a classic Virgo. I prefer to be where I'm supposed to be, when I'm supposed to be there and, although I have lived enough years to have acclimated myself to the fact that I must accept change in all forms, I will never embrace it. Plus I have the percolating brain going, thinking about larger world and mankind issues like what makes people tick, how do I fit into the world, and that I really sincerely wish I would have discovered years ago just how effin' good Wendy's Chicken Club sandwich is.

Discombobulated and percolating. And I probably have gas, too. It all sounds like I'd better stay close to the bathroom, doesn't it. If I EVER again do anything to the inside of this house--and that's a big IF--Frank, Nancy and I will be going elsewhere. I will build that right into the cost of doing whatever I would be crazy enough to do. And I'd better start working on losing about 75% of my (excessive) self so I can continue to schlep up and down the stairs to the laundry room because I'm sure as hell not "moving" it upstairs the way I thought I might. Man alive. If just a little bit of tile discombobulates me, just imagine what turning a spare bedroom into a laundry room would do. And you know what? It is okay that I'm like that. Not everyone in the world needs to have adventure, drama, thrills and spills in their life. And I'm one of 'em and I know it now that I have gone through my first house-spiffing-up experience. As a Dutch co-worker from years ago used to say to the customers, "NOW YOU KNOW BETTER FOR NEXT TIME."

Now I know I am one who needs to take it in small steps rather than a bunch all at one time...

THIS IS ONE FOR "THE BOOKS"...

It is not often that I just don't feel much like talking, but yesterday was one of those few-and-far-between days; and today isn't much different. And I don't really know exactly why. Well, I know a little of why and, contrary to my usual diarrhea-of-the-mouth-ness, I don't really feel like talking about that, either.

So, why am I even here, typing this. Because I feel like talking, but I don't feel like talking? I really have a lot percolating in my brain right now--weird stuff. A lot of things I'm wondering about and would really like to know more, but it's not the type of stuff that can be easily answered, if at all. And even to me, all of this sounds really stupid. I'm not a complicated person; in fact, I consider myself pretty much a simpleton. Whatcha see is whatcha get. If you like it, fine; if you don't, be gone with you. I don't even usually have a whole lot of "complicated" types of thoughts that I get all mysterious and cryptic about. Once a person has dealt with terminal cancer in a loved one, it takes a VERY LONG TIME for ANYTHING else to seem even remotely complicated. But years pass and even though you never go back to the person you were "before," you do go back to dealing with and living in the land of people who are not dying within a year, and who think their stuff is really, really important. And complicated. And you know how it is with that; you CAN get sucked in, even if you're a simpleton. Anyway...enough of that for a while. But it won't be the end of it; we'll see where all of this percolating of the brain takes me. And, wouldn't you just know...even when I feel like I'm not going with my usual verbosity, once my fingers start typing, that's it. Word overload.

I had a GOOD weekend. Water--lakes that look like the ocean, lakes that look like lakes, waterfalls--ahhhhh, all of them, WONDEROUS, in my opinion. Sitting on rocks and looking out at a huge expanse of water as far as the eye can see, how could anyone doubt there is God. The way it feels to see that; the way I feel...it just leads me to a lot of thinking, a lot of soul-searching, a lot of questioning of priorities, a lot of wondering. It's not bad, it just is. Nature is awe-inspiring--and, for the first time in my life, I heard a real-life loon! And not just once, either! There is something almost spiritual about enjoying a good cup of coffee while sitting on a bench at the end of a dock. And, if it's raining, to have a screened-in porch to sit in so you can still enjoy nature AND stay dry. Even though it was time, as it is not ever good for a guest to overstay their welcome, I was really sorry to hop in the vehicle to start the trek back home yesterday morning. Just a couple more days. Will I ever be invited to do this again? Even the time or two during the course of the weekend when "reality" encroached, it didn't seem quite as jarring as when the same happens here. Shangri-La is still Shangri-La, even with a slight crack.

And now, just one day later, I am in the middle of the floor tile experience. I am so glad both areas being tiled--bathroom and just inside the front door--are small. As for my kitchen floor that is NOT being tiled right now? I LOVE my kitchen floor just as it is; there is not a thing in the world that I would ever want to change about its lovely parquet-ness, and it shall remain until they haul me out of here in a body bag. That is how much I am embracing the floor tile experience. Man...it's a good thing I had a decompression weekend, for the most part, prior to this because otherwise it could get REALLY ugly around here. I just have to keep telling myself "it's almost done" and think about the fact that soon I will have a bed with massage options. I am a fortunate woman after all.

How long would this post be if I felt like talking...

I AM HOME AND I HAVE LOTS TO SAY...

...but not quite yet. Maybe tomorrow. Whew, tired. Very relaxed. Very good time.

More later...

DON'T HATE ME CAUSE I'M FORTUNATE...

As of about 11:30 tomorrow morning, I am OUTTA HERE for a long weekend in a cabin by a lake, approximately five hours from here, in an absolutely beautiful setting (I've seen pictures), a place I have never been before and I CANNOT WAIT! I have never been "Up North" before which, although I am a native Minnesotan, makes me almost not. Going "Up North" is what Minnesotans do, and I couldn't be happier to finally get to do it, too.

It's been very hot here for June, in the low 90s, and the air quality around "The Cities" is suffering. Something about the...um, let's see, what was it again...um, the Ozone? Yeah, that's it. None of that where I'm going!

And to fully understand why this is something I am so incredibly excited about, you would have to know how I feel about being around water. I like it. Very much. It grounds me. I feel peaceful and relaxed. It's almost--not quite, but almost--like going to church. I'm sure I've written about my fondness for bodies of water somewhere in this blog; I just can't remember since I've been the epitome of verbosity here. What haven't I written about, probably several times? So, yeah, I am all about being around water. And not so all about stressing over my wreck of a house. Which I will not have to do for three days! Oh yeah, oh yeah! (Does that goofy, rowing-motion-with-the-arms dance).

So, it's okay to hate me cause I'm beautiful...um, yeah...just don't hate me cause I'm fortunate...(tosses her flowing locks). HAHA!...

TARGET WOULD PROBABLY REJECT ME AS A CUSTOMER...

Yup, if Target would have given me their psychological test, they would probably request that I never darken their doorstep again; they would hand me to Wal-Mart on a silver-plated platter.

I have had a headache for two days; the back of my neck is sore and it radiates up the back of my head. Sinuses also don't feel all that great, so I have that over-the-eyes headache, too. But here's the deal. I truly think I willed myself into feeling like this. I think I really needed to not go to work for a couple of days, or do the other things that I should be doing. As a result, I have not had any human interaction for a couple of days, so now I'm lonely. This, in and of itself, is enough for Target to reject me as a customer for being too much of a head case, I'm sure of it.

Because my mind wanders, I just have to say...right now, I am watching ET and they are showing Larry Birkhead and little Dannielynn...what a beautiful, beautiful little girl. I always knew he was her father, really I did. I think as a small baby she looked like him, and I don't think he's a bad-looking guy. On the show tonight, she is happy, smiley and seems just as happy as can be. And I sincerely hope that little girl continues on to have a wonderful, happy life, because I can't imagine what it would be like to lose your Mother when you're just an infant. Losing mine at 41 was hard enough, but to never know your Mother? I just think it would feel like a whole piece of me was missing, or is that strange? That whole Anna Nicole thing...what a tragic waste and how sad for some of what she will see and hear of her Mother when she's older. I hope her Dad makes sure she has a good, normal-as-possible life; it looks like that is what he is doing so far, and I just hope everything is as it seems.

Tomorrow I have lunch duty for Vacation Bible School, and I can't wait. I'm doing it with a friend from church that I really, really like...even if she did introduce me to someone else as "Amy" a few weeks back :)! I just sorta looked at her and didn't even say anything; didn't have to because she immediately knew she'd said the wrong thing! Over the years, I've gotten used to "Bev" "Pam" and "Deb" and can even understand how you COULD get those three from "Kim"--but "Amy"? THAT'S A STRETCH. HAHAHA! I'm sure my co-workers will be very happy with me that I'll be leaving at 8:30 tomorrow morning after not having been at work for two days. It even sort of bothers me, but I really want to do the VBS thing in the worst way.

I have so much to do in this house prior to June 19-23 when I get the tile and carpeting installed. I really need to get beyond feeling overwhelmed and just jumping into action. I will do it, because that's what I always do, but I'm hoping I hurry. Let me just say one more time that I will be very happy for all of this to be done; I just want it DONE. Wow. What would I ever do with a MAJOR remodeling project. See, I know what a lunatic I'm like over this stuff, which is why I chose NOT to move walls, location of appliances, etc. I truly am not sure I could remain sane through something like that. HAHAHA! Or not.

Oh well, I'm pretty sure Wal-Mart will still have me...

HEADACHE...

Gosh, I am just now getting over a headache the likes of which I haven't seen in a very long time! I did not sleep very good last night, but I did today...literally all day, up until about an hour ago. I still have a little bit of a leftover but, thankfully, the bad part is over. This doesn't happen often but, when it does...whoa! Okay, enough of that.

I got so much done yesterday; all of what I planned. But, oh, there is so much more! When on earth did I accumulate so much crap? And I can't find anything right now. I was looking around for some bills that I could have sworn I had around here somewhere...no luck. Oh well, guess I'll be a month behind...HAHA! Most of them are online so I don't worry much about it.

I don't have much to say because I haven't done much but sleep and moan and groan occasionally. Interesting thing on the news just now...Target sent a survey out to their customers but "retracted" it because some of the people they sent it to were a little taken aback by some of the questions. It's one of those "psychological" tests, and I guess their objective was to see what the difference is between Target shoppers and Wal-Mart shoppers. One of the true/false statements was, "If I were to disappear from the face of the earth, no one would notice." Wow...deep. I guess one WOULD be slightly taken aback! Just thought that was a little interesting.

Oh, and also...Hi Pam! I'm so glad you came over and left a comment, cause your name certainly IS awfully familiar! I tried to go and comment to you by clicking on your name, but no go. So, hi!

Later...

BECAUSE I SERIOUSLY DON'T HAVE A LIFE...

I am posting twice in one day. I shouldn't say that because I do too have a life; I just like to spend a lot of it writing via this computer.

This afternoon when Todd was over, he also put my birdbath together and we got everything that needs to be on the deck, on the deck. Now all I have to do is finish potting up the flowers--yup, those same ones that I was going to do all weekend, but which I haven't gotten to yet--and get everything to where I want it. Then my own little outdoor oasis will be complete. Until I get better landscaping next year.

Somebody I know has a birdbath that she did a really cool thing to. When she noticed the birds weren't going in it, even though it was full of water, she painted the bowl of the birdbath blue--and, sure enough, bathing birds galore. I'd like to do that, partly just because I think it looks really pretty, but I shouldn't really copy her.

I got the bright idea that since my son and DIL were kid-free and only had plans to go to the game the two oldest boys were playing in, we should all go out for dinner and then to the game. They hardly ever get to do that, and we had a very good time. I was so happy to be with them and talk and laugh and have a good time, and to know that there are people who love me just as I am. With all of my insecurities, all of my quirks, all of my weirdness--they love me. I have said this so many times before, and I always know this, but sometimes I need to follow my own advice. I need to always remember the people I have, instead of wanting the ones I don't have. The ones still here on earth, I mean.

And both of those boys can play some ball; the second oldest had an awesome double play, and I was so excited for him because, at 17, he's one of the younger ones on the team. The oldest is 20 and he's an excellent player--he's on about three different teams, so he is always fun to watch. This team, though, is a co-ed team--and a few of those "softball chicks" really know what they're doing; the hitting is incredible and there is one girl who runs so fast all you see is a streak going towards the base. I guess she plays softball for St. Thomas, which isn't surprising. So, this is why I'm so proud of #2 grandson; he not only holds his own and does a great job, but he's also slightly less shy than he was last year!

Right now I'm so happy that I still have one day off left; I've been doing a lot of running around but I sure haven't gotten a whole lot done around here. I think to myself how different it will be in just a couple of weeks and, while I really want time in general to slow down a little bit, I will be happy to have everything in place again.

That's all...

GOOD DAY, SUNSHINE...

I just have to say we are having some SERIOUSLY beautiful-weather days here in lovely Minnesota! Before I go out to enjoy it, I just had to write all of my good news, about which I am so freakin' excited...again!

Yesterday I bought my new bed with, get this, BUILT-IN MASSAGE! Yeah, baby--Magic Fingers that doesn't require quarters or a cheap hotel! I am SO excited because now when my legs hurt, I can elevate them with a touch of the remote. I can sit up with the support of a mattress behind me to watch TV or read, with the touch of a remote. I can get an upper body massage, with the touch of a remote. Lower body needs massaging? Just touch the remote. The WHOLE body at once? Say it with me...touch the remote. I am beyond thrilled about my new bed.

Also got the rest of what I wanted for comfy-ness out on my deck, in the form of two chairs and an ottoman from some-Martha-Stewart-collection-or-other at K-Mart. I was so happy to find it, because it was the only one that was anywhere near what I wanted without spending what seems like thousands...which I WON'T do. After all, this is a DECK...an OUTSIDE deck...I'm not spending more on it than what my inside furniture costs! However, shopping at K-Mart always makes me seriously afraid for the future . I get so scared that in the not-too-distant-future, shopping everywhere is going to be like shopping there. Which, I guess, should make me happy rather than afraid because if that happens, I won't be spending any money at all. It's really hard not to lose patience in some of these places.

I went to the 10 a.m. church service this morning because I slept through my 8 a.m. outside-on-the-lawn service. Ahhhh...that was what I have been needing. The sermon today was "Left Behind" and it was incredible. Sometimes I just can't believe how the sermons seem to speak to me. One would think I would be used to it by now, but I am still amazed. And blessed.

Since my wonderful son is outside mowing the lawn, I should probably go say hi at least...

WELL, WOULD YA LOOK AT THE TIME!...

I've got just a few minutes to type before I have to get ready and go, but that's okay because I don't really have anything of substance to say anyway! I spent the better part of the afternoon baking cookies and my house smells really good; lucky for me there is a really cool breeze blowing through the windows and doors today.

This has been a rather strange week. It went by in a flash, it seems. I did a lot of stuff, but none of it was particularly enjoyable. Well, what I mean is, it was all good stuff and I should have been excited and happy, but I guess it's just been one of those "out of sorts" weeks. Blah. I know this for sure; I will be happy to get to Sunday.

Yesterday, my SIL and I spent hours upon hours at Color Me Mine; I painted FIVE things, and all of them "big things"--no fridge magnets! For Christmas, a friend gave me some coffee mugs that are green, red and white, but they don't look Christmas-y--those are just the colors. The red used for these mugs is, to me, the perfect shade of red. I wanted to paint some smallish-to-medium vases to group together on my table, so I lugged one of the mugs along to see if I could find that red to use--and I think we came pretty close. I hope they come out as cute as I thought they were! I also did two more of the little plates to go with the bowl/plate set I started this CMM adventure with. I now only have two more and the set will be complete. Well, I could do four more, but I don't think I need that many. It's not like I'm putting on lots of luncheons over here or anything :)!

Well, I'm happy to report I have dates on everything now, except the blinds but that's okay because they're installed as soon as they come in, and the guy said they should be coming in next week! Then the tile/carpet, and then the furniture will be delivered June 30, which gives me plenty of time to trudge to Hutchinson and add the bedroom furniture onto my order. This I also know--I will be happy to live in a normal (or as close as I will probably ever get) house again. This is just kinda weird. I spilled coffee on the carpet in the spare room when I was getting stuff together for the garage sale that I was never gonna mention again (ooops, sorry!) and I didn't even bother to clean it up. I mean, I sponged it up but I didn't get out the carpet junk and spot treat it like I normally would. Why bother...it's outta here in a week or two! Still, that type of thing does feel strange.

Time just goes so fast...

HERE'S WHAT I'VE GOT GOING ON...

Well, now here's a big surprise...I am now almost 115% certain I am and have been going through some hormonal crazies. Because I spoke with my friend via e-mail Monday evening, and it appears all will be just fine between us. We didn't really speak of it much except to agree that everything is definitely okay between us. That is apparently the way she wants to handle it--she's not big on talking stuff to death--and that is just fine with me, too. So, no more whining about that now, either--thankfully, huh? Which makes me glad because I don't want to chase off my blog friends by being a whining pain-in-the-ass. :) I'm still just "in the process", I guess, of getting back to what seems to be as close to normal as I'll get, so I appreciate any and all patience. I really do feel SO fortunate on SO many levels--especially for all the support when my evil, insecure twin takes over my personality. Thanks, you guys; appreciate it!

On a lighter note, I am having a pleasant week, and it is getting better as it heads toward Friday. Here's what I've been doing, in between my bouts of "nobody likes me" angst..hehehe. We all know what I did Monday and it was nice to go out with DD's family. We don't do it often enough, but I think we will be doing it more, now that the kids will be getting out of school.

Yesterday, I had to get my hair cut right after work, but decided to go back to my favorite store, Fleet Farm, to return the picnic table umbrella that turned out to be too large. But, on the way, I stopped at my favorite Target store...and stumbled on the perfect rugs for my "new colors" kitchen!!! YAY! I'd just started to think about what I was going to do about rugs and, voila, there they were, and at the right price, too! I love them and they will look so nice with the new table and chairs, because they already look great with the wall colors. And since the movie theater I go to is right across the street from the Target, and since the timing was just right, and since Tuesday is free popcorn day, and since I really wanted to see it, I stopped in to see "Mr. Brooks." Which I thoroughly enjoyed, and which was even better than I thought it was going to be. Creepy, yes, but REALLY GOOD. Kevin Costner was incredibly good in the role, although it was a little, um....disconcerting, maybe?....that here was this character who was a sociopathic serial killer, but he was also oddly hot at times. Or maybe it was just me as sometimes practically everyone looks hot to me...HAHAHAHA! But anyway, hotness aside, I thought Kevin Costner did a really good job, and William Hurt was EXCELLENT. I liked Demi Moore, too. I've read that they're already talking trilogy, and I hope they do. It was creepy and a little scary and gory and kept me on the edge of my seat. I'd definitely recommend it; I plan on seeing it at least two more times so I can pick up the things I missed when I was covering my face with my hands. HAHA! THEN I made it to Fleet Farm. Where I got a smaller umbrella that is a much better fit for my smaller deck table, and I also got two dining chairs on which to sit at the table, under the umbrella. Only two chairs because it's a square table and I have it situated at the corner of the deck, so two sides are on the outside edges--but it looks nice that way. I wanted to have room for some comfy chairs, too and maybe even a chaise! I think I know what I want and where to go for it, so I should finish that up this coming weekend. That was it for yesterday...but since it was 7:30 by the time I got home, got everything unloaded and situated and watered and deadheaded and piddled with, that was plenty!

Today, I was going to skip Bible Study (AGAIN, since I didn't go last Wednesday) because I felt so tired and I still have to get together my bags of stuff to donate for the Vietnam Vets organization to pick up tomorrow morning. But then two different church friends called about two different things and, suddenly, I realized I really NEEDED to go there. I have not gone to church the past two Sundays, plus the missed Bible Study last Wednesday. No wonder I feel unsettled; I have grown to truly NEED my time at church. So I stopped and picked up lunch and headed over for Bible Study, and I am SO GLAD I did! I needed it so bad, and I felt so much better afterwards. Pastor Roth, if you read this, I loved Bible Study today...well, I do all the time...but with all of the "widow" stories, I really appreciated today's, and it was good to see you, too! I will miss my Wednesday lunch and Bible Study in July and August--so, hopefully there will be something else to do. I still LOVE my church, and I am looking forward to Sunday; I just don't think it's good for me to miss two Sundays in a row.

Tomorrow, right after work, I am finally going over to my SIL's to go out for lunch and back over to Color Me Mine for more painting fun. Oh, yeah, I can't wait for the RELAXATION! With all of the busy-ness of the last couple of weeks, I've skipped all of the things that are calming to my soul, and I'm coming to the conclusion that I just am not a person who can do that! On the way back, I've got to go to Sam's Club and get the food items I signed up to bring to church for Vacation Bible School that will be starting soon, and also all the stuff to make a few dozen cookies to sell at the church's "trunk sale" on Saturday.

Friday, I've got to get home from work and bake those few dozen cookies and then get them over to church at 5, where I will join some other people in getting the cookies and other food ready for Saturday. After work Saturday, I'll probably hang out some during the sale to see if I can help with anything since, after the sale is over, I volunteered, since I have a truck, to take a load of stuff that doesn't sell over to the thrift store to donate. Then there will be 8:00 church Sunday. And, after that, I don't know what, but I will probably be pleasantly worn out by then!

Then the next week is Vacation Bible School, which I've volunteered for, and then the carnival at the end of VBS, which I will also be volunteering for. Plus, I found out today that I could be getting all of my houseful of new blinds installed sometime next week. And the next week is tile and carpet installation. And then I can get my furniture delivered. And then my cousin is getting married on July 4. On about July 6, I will breathe. HA! I am looking forward to all of it!

I should have very little time to put a whole lot of thought into anything which, as we are all well aware by now, can be a good thing for me. Maybe I can go for a few weeks without offending anybody or feeling unliked, alienated and sorry for myself. But don't count on it....HAHAHA!

I really am blessed, and I know it...

ALL THE KING'S HORSES AND ALL THE KING'S MEN...

This is another time when I'm not sure what this post will be about, but I feel compelled to write about SOMETHING. Thanks for all the support and comments and for continuing to read my drivel every day. To anybody who reads this, even without commenting, I AM REALLY NOT A HEAD CASE. HAHA!

When I got home from dinner last night, there was an e-mail waiting for me from my friend, which made me very happy. It's such a process, this learning to play well with others. I really in my wildest dreams never thought that at this stage of my life, I would be having these issues. But, then again, nothing else has really gone according to plan either. So I guess these are things I need to be learning. When all is said and done, it is very worth it. I'll just keep on trying until the time comes when it's no longer worth it, if that would happen. Whatever happens is the right thing.

Something that really touched me today was my DD called me after she got home from work, just to say hi and to ask how I was doing today. That may not seem like much, but she is a busy wife and mother of three who also works outside the home full-time and inside the home full-time, too. And I know she was talking to me while she was making dinner, so I thought it was very sweet of her to take the time to call when it would have been easier not to.

Since Saturday night, I have thought about a lot of things that I don't usually think about. Things way, way far in the past that I just try to keep way back in the recesses of my mind. For as far back as I've known I could control my own future, I've really tried to "rise above" (so to speak) anything that could have wrecked my future. But there still are some things that I just can't think about too much because I feel incredibly sad and like Humpty Dumpty. So, when those things get dredged up, especially if it's a surprise--and these things don't get dredged up very often, thankfully--it just takes me a while to rebound. Everything is already well on its way to being all good again, but I just need to make sure I have all of my issues straight in my own head and psyche before I tuck them away again. I'm hoping that everytime they get dredged up, they will lose a little of their power. I'm not that fragile, but I am a little more fragile than most people think I am.

Ah, sleep...

DOING ALL THE WRONG THINGS...

Today was a lot of fun. DD and I headed out early this morning--10 a.m.--to my new favorite place, Fleet Farm. I bought a table, umbrella with stand, the rest of the flowers I need, and the rest of the pots I need for flowers. Tomorrow after work, I will go back out there with my truck and pick up some chairs for the table. DD's mini-van only holds so much :). We came here and dropped it all off, went to lunch at The Great Wall, and continued retail therapy at Sephora after. We bought eye shadow shimmer pots. HA! Sometimes I get a little girly, and these things were so cool and easy to use, I just had to get them for us. New eye shadow makes me feel good.

Actually, being with DD today was just what I needed. After firing off a couple of e-mails to my (probably ex-) friend yesterday and not really saying EXACTLY what it was that was making me write pissy e-mails, I feel really, really bad. I have not heard from her and I have the feeling I might not. And that is so not what I wanted. And I just feel bad because I don't like to have stuff like this going on with people I care about. But I also really needed to say the things I said. I KNOW that if she is really my friend, we will work this out. But knowing that won't make me feel any better if we don't. But, surprisingly enough, what made me feel better and have a good day despite my sorrow at possibly losing a friendship, was talking to DD about it. Being that I'm the "parent" I don't usually gas on a whole lot to her about my problems, but today I really needed to talk about it--and there she was. And she made a really funny comment about the whole thing that was really "out of character" for her and which made me laugh hysterically and get a little better perspective, at least for a little while. She was just what I needed today, and she loves me just like I am, even when I am being the "evil stepmonster" to her. And she gave me a big hug. So I bought her new eye shadow, too.

Wanna hear something really cool? DD's husband is coming over with her and the kids, and he is going to assemble my new deck table for me. Then we're going out for dinner. I'm glad because I don't want to be alone right now. I just don't know if I did the right thing. I don't have many friends, and for some reason I've always felt like I have to really prove myself to be worthy of the ones I do have. Which is weird because I'm not usually a low self-esteem person. But, since everybody who loved me died, I really have been insecure. Especially about "losing" people. Which is why I'm surprised I really sent the e-mails I sent; knowing that could be, and most probably will be the outcome. Maybe I did have at least a shred of self-respect left. Which will do me a lot of good when I am friendless.

I feel REALLY bad about this...

PEOPLE, PEOPLE WHO NEED PEOPLE...

...And a successful garage sale was had by all. And now it's done. We started at 6:30 a.m. and closed up at 3 p.m. or so--but then there was the proceeds-counting-and-distributing and clean-up. Which didn't take too long. M. (the garage sale hostess), her friend S., and I went to a movie and out to eat afterwards. After M. and I made a quick stop for an adult beverage while S. made a stop at Target. So now there should be no more garage sale talk.

Now I'll just talk about people. People who confuse me. People who are confused by me. And maybe why I should just stay at home, inside my house, with my cats. While we were having a drink and talking, the comment was made that sometimes I say or act like I am an old person--much older than my 50 years. And not in a positive way. The thing that immediately popped in my head--and may have popped out of my mouth, but I'm not sure because I was so stunned she said it to begin with--was "that is because I feel so much older sometimes." For one thing, the comment just really ZINGED me; I wasn't expecting it and especially from her, because I thought she was a person who maybe would not pick me apart. Mostly because I don't think she really gives enough of a rat's ass about me to pick me apart. Which is fine. Or maybe I'm just being overly sensitive. But, this I know--when she said that, I came THIS CLOSE to CRYING right there while we were bellied up to the bar. And I would have been so embarrassed, and then she probably would have thought that in addition to "acting" like an Old Rock of Ages, I am also a head case.

Here's the deal. She knows NOTHING about me and why I am the way I am. I know why I am the way I am and I deal with it the best way I know how, without foisting all of my lifetime traumatic events that molded me onto the rest of the world. I try to be a decent person, and I try to be nice and kind to the people I like, and at least not-too-rude to the rest of the world-at-large. She doesn't WANT to know anything about me like that; it's a relatively new friendship with not-a-whole-lot of shared history. And the more I get to know her, as much as I truly like her and have wanted to be friends with her, I'm not upset that she doesn't want to know too much about me because I don't know if I could trust her with the stuff that makes me feel older than I am. But what REALLY BUGS ME about the whole thing the most is that--THE STUFF SHE DOES KNOW, THE AVERAGE, EVERYDAY, GARDEN-VARIETY TRAUMAS--should be ENOUGH for her to understand at least a little why I am that way. And to keep her from commenting on it like it is ANOTHER personality flaw that I'm gonna have to stuff way deep down and far, far away for her to like me.

For some reason, I had the idea that she would possibly be a person who wouldn't pick me apart and tell me all the ways I should change--which would be my reward for keeping the "friendship" on a more superficial level than what I am used to. I would not do that to her; I would NEVER do that to her, even though she has many areas she could do a little soul-searching about, too. I like her just as she is. And I would not critique her personality quirks to her, not in a judgmental way that would make her feel really, really bad about herself. What confuses me so much and what I have such a hard time keeping up with is that at times it seems like we are good friends and she really likes me, and then two minutes later she can make one comment or give me a look that is like "crawl back under whichever rock you came from." We're having a super-good time, laughing and having fun one minute, and 10 minutes later she's silent. But I just try to go with the flow and not take it personally, because I always figured that was just part of her--you know, one of those things I wouldn't tell her she needed to change about herself. Now I'm thinking maybe I should have taken it personally. And now I'm also really, really wondering what she has said about me to S. Just guess why I'm wondering that. Oh man, I can't even start to think about what she REALLY thinks of me, and says about me to her friends.

And another thing. Since people in my family have the uncanny knack of dropping dead at say, 61 or 62, maybe for my gene pool I AM old. People in my family aren't teetering around, hanging on at age 97. Thankfully...

WHERE WAS I GOING WITH THIS?...

Ahhh...I cannot even express in mere words just HOW GOOD it feels to be sitting at home at 6:45 on a Friday morning, drinking a GOOD cup of coffee and writing creatively. HAHAHA! Okay, I won't get going again about my desire to be absent from my job.

In just a couple of hours, I will be going over to my friend's house to start getting set up for the biggest "garage" sale I've ever heard of, and I think it is going to be so much fun! This whole month is going to fly by so fast. And by the end of June, I'm hoping my house will be finished except for the pretty-it-up stuff like stuff for the walls. But I'm being very picky with what goes on my walls because, to me, the new paint is a work of art in and of itself. HAHAHA! I am SO easily satisfied...but, really, I love my colors. And a professional paint job? Whoa, I just had no idea what a difference it makes.

The other day while I was clearing out the TV armoire thingy to get it ready to sell, I came across a couple of videos from Christmas, 1992 at my Mom's house while my DD was there for a week of her Christmas vacation. Awww, she was 17! Awww, there was my Mom and my Mom's voice. I've probably already written this many times, but I'm going to write it many times plus one. When my Mom died, the thing that frightened me the most for quite a while after was that I would forget the sound of her voice. I don't know why I zeroed in on that one thing--maybe because, based on voice alone--on the phone, for instance--people could not tell us apart. Although I never thought we sounded alike, enough people said it that I couldn't ignore. So, that was the one way that I was my Mother's daughter, and I didn't want to lose that. It was SO NICE to hear her voice again. I didn't get sad and cry; I just sat and watched for a while, and felt so glad that I have those videos so I can hear her voice whenever I want to or need to. I won't have to worry about forgetting--which, by the way, I never even came close to doing. I also have one of when my parents were visiting us here, and Bill is in it. Depending on my mood, that one CAN make me cry--but mostly I'm just SO GLAD to have it.

So, today will be the start of my very first garage sale experience...