okay time for some updates i guess.

i refer back to my earlier posts dated 5thJULY2007, titled 'I, live in a disfunctional family.'
and you know what? things just got worse. cos bro admitted ytd that he smokes and drinks. SECONDARY 2. with a cocked up face too. and i could just see the pain and hurt on dad's face. i mean, he pinned all those hopes on my brother, hoping he could rise up to be the man of the house my dad could rely on. but seems like dad'shopes were dashed. ytd there was so much tension in the house again, it felt so familiar and i hate it. ARH.

school has been tiring too.haven't pass ONE subject for the past prelims. and prelim 2 is on the way.

so seriously, i bet the depression month is not quite done with itself yet. BUT! the difference is, i'm gonna embrace it. it's not gonna be a DEPRESSION month, its just one of those tougher times i guess. yea. cos i know and i HAVE faith that God will solve them cos well, EVERYTHING HAPPENS for a reason (: JIAYOU HANNAH!

to self: even when no one is on your side, god is.

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4:41 PM

life has been good so far, no matter how hard things are, i still praise the Lord cos i'm living out the life he planned for me. (: PERSONALISED. and! i have a memory span of 3 seconds. like seriously. (x

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4:16 PM

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7:51 PM

ytd i spoke to the long long MIA sisSHIRLENE. (: and she helped alot.
DEPRESSION MONTH BE OVER. can i have an amen hallelujah? HAHA (:

anyway, i was telling her that i let go of the anger i have towards PGC. God placed him in IGNYTE as district pastor over ADAM so i guess i have to respect that, cos God has anointed him. people are created differently, and moreover, they're God's creation and created in the image of God (as stated in the bible) so i need to love these people! (: OVER WITH IT! AMEN AND HALLELUJAH! (from esther)

i was also telling her how there are SPs who are judging me and how i feel like i have no place in the ministry anymore, just cos i rested as an SP for these few months.i told her it equates to telling me 'you're not good enough to be a role model to the youths'. but she told me that some of the best and greater leaders in the ministry were rested too. (: i chose to be accountable, which was the right thing to do. and i needed help, THAT'S WHY i had to rest. not cause i did something wrong. i don't have to justify myself and try to fend myself. because if there are shallow and surface ppl who wanna judge, let them. it just goes to show that they ARE shallow and surfaced.
and to the SPs, think about it. have u been accountable to your leaders? if u had to come clean before the Lord one day and present your life to Him, would He be pleased? when u judge the SPs that were rested have you ever considered the fact that you yourself have not been accountable? Do you take your title as a title? as a status? were you truly passionate about reaching out to people or was it just 'part of your job'?SPs are supposed to be role models. but role models ARE NOT and DO NOT have to be perfect. that's why we are accountable to get help and get our lives right with God. and i know of SO MANY SPs who are carrying on with their lives like it doesn't mean a single thing to them. how can you carry on living your life without even being bothered whether or not God's watching! and u people can STILL judge people like me who chose to do the right thing! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!

and God also said that he'll never test us beyond what we can bear. sister shirlene told me, the harder it is to overcome, the harder the situation is, means the higher God thinks of you. because God WILL NEVER give u too much u cannot take. so if it is so so hard for you, means actually God believes in you, he believes that YOU CAN. (: in the midst of all the problems, look at them and show them how much u can do it.

and people, don't don't don't pretend to be someone u're not anymore. cos now, feels like i've lost myself. when i look back and think bout who i really am, honestly i can't find myself anymore. i keep trying to please everyone, keep changing myself to make ppl accept me, until one day, when i wanna be myself, i can't. because i've lost me. i don;t know who me is. and i dun want the same thing to happen to anyone of u out there. it may seem like no one may accept you, and it might seem that the best way is to make everyone love you, cos no doubt everyone of us wants to feel love and accepted. but trust me, the best feeling is to really know who u are. really. don't lose yourself to someone you are not. unlike me. (: press on people.



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12:20 PM

things have changed. my heart feels dang burdened now.
as usual i came across this blog like i always do. and i found something out.
someone's feeling and experiencing the same thing as me.
with regards to the relationships and the ministry and all.
i figure if he would drop by my blog he'll know it's him.
note to him: hang in there.
things have changed luh.
like suddenly i can't find the friends i usuall turn to,
cos those friends apparently forgotten of their promise to me.
'i'll be here for you. i promise.' '..i'll be there for you as u have been there for me.'
'thank god for you too.'
know why these friends left? cos they've found better.

sigh. in any case. still have to study.
today was big stress-out boohoo.
dont ask why.

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7:45 PM

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11:07 AM

FREAKED OUT DAY! (x

today it was another mundane day at school. but BOY, was i wrong. so lalalal, me babe and his friends went for lunch at limbang AS USUAL. ate U-mian. AS USUAL. he walked me to the lift. AS USUAL. said byebye. AS USUAL. lift of the doors closed, DUH. but alas! as it was about to slam shut it got jammed! leaving tt tiny tiny tiny space enough for me to communicate with babe. then the lift started to show the ' continue pressing the bell and wait for rescue. do not force door open.' babe's immediate reaction was to force the door open with ALL his might! but fail la DUH. so we FREAKED OUT! i panicked la! so he panicked too! he asked for the number to call for the lift breakdown man. then call call call. i ring the bell like siao. now i know how ppl say afew minutes in the lift seem like eternity. COS IT REALLY DID! and i didnt have my phone with me somemore. had i left without him, had he not sent me home i would have been still in the lift! HAHAHHA. god sent him to save my life. LOL.

okay. i shan't elaborate more on my pathetic life. that's all for today.

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7:36 PM

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8:11 PM

PGC and BROandy spoke to me ytd with regards to me and babe's relationship.
made me take a rest from being an SP for couple of months.
and apparently trying to break us up. but they always say like their 'not forcing you'.
BULLSHIT. PLAIN PURE BULLSHIT.
it made me cry for 2 hours, slashed my wrist just one more time and cried again for another half an hour when tham came to talk to me.
it's as if i'm just gonna be judged all day cos u know why?
i'm a failure. a bad bad SP. stupid useless girl. THAT's WHY I NEEDED THE REST.
you guys won't understand. if u're just here to judge me, **** off.
YES i did wrong. but thisDOES NOT make me any lesser.
I'M STILL god's leader, still God's precious child/
but maybe, just maybe, i'll never be good enough for the ministry again.

who even cares. for my own good?
CRAP.
do you even care?
NO.

i feel damn pissed off now.
feeling so betrayed and worthless.

and if YOU don't know the details, please DON'T JUDGE ME.



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6:29 PM

I GOT TAGGED BY JEANETTE THAM :D

1) put your music player on shuffle
2) press forward for each question
3) use the song title as the answer for your question, even if it doesnt make sense
4) tag 5 other people
5) bold the questions and the the answers and give ur own comments

how are you feeling today? Avril Lavigne - When You're Gone
(YAH I FEEEL DAMN SAD)
how do your friends see you? High School Musical - Breaking Free
( they always know i'm BROKEN FREE. like NUTS )
will you get married? Aaron Carter - Not Too Young, Not too Old
( AMEN! HAHAH. not too young, not too old. PERFECT.)
what is your best friend's theme song? The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - False Pretense
(yah maybe i don't have true friends at all. SAD LUH! )
what is the story of your life? Rascall Flatts - My Wish
( yep, my wish for you to be happy. )
what was primary school like? Kelly Clarkson - A Moment Like This
(yes, it's that once in a lifetime FUN FUN FUN! )
how can you get ahead in life? Avril Lavigne - He Wasn't
(AHAHAH, without him? THAT'S SO SAD LUH! )
what is the best thing about your friends?Avril Lavigne - I Will Be
(MOST DEFINITELY, i will be there for my friends )
what is in stall for this weekend? Justin Timberlake - What Goes Around Comes Around
(HAHA.i got no idea what this is. )
what song describes you? Creed - Higher
(yay! i'm gonne fly HIGHER AND HIGHER soar with God to greater heights. )
describe your grandparents? High School Musical - Start of Something New
(yah, new generation of ppl mah. (x )
How is your life going? Unknown - Over It
(TRYING TO GET over it. )
how does the world see you? Rascal Flatts - What hurts the most
( EH THAT'S SAD LUH! i hurt the most luh. ); )
will you have a happy life? Shane ward - No Promises
(uuuh, no promises. WHO KNOWS! )
what does your friend really think of you? Youngbloodz - Im'ma Shine (step up OST)
(means they think im s star cos i SHINE! )
Do people secretly lust after you? Five For Fighting - Something Bout You
(they don't lust they tell me straight in e face THAT I HAVE SOMETHING MAN. )
how can i make myself happy? Liz Phair - Why Can't I
(err.)
What should you do with your life? Petey Pablo - Show me the Money
(YAH I WANT MONEY> HAHAH. )
will you ever have children? Avril Lavigne - GirlFriend
(HAHA sorry no, i'll have a girlfriend first?! OPPS! )

BWAHAHAHA (x this is super random, and i do random things when i'm bored :) so i'm going to tag the following people (very random, like whoever comes to my mind.

- BRIAN CHAN
- DEREK
- RACHEL.contemp (:
- ESTHERLEE MY SISTER
- CHARRISE DYEO.

wooohoo. it's friday. i handed in CWA. SO PHEW! today i came home started screaming and singing alot of nonsense so yea, i'mm free! CWB next! DIE LUH!



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8:19 PM

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3:37 PM

i really wanna escape from life.

bro just ran away from home ytd after dad locked him out.
just came back. but now's he's packing to leave again.
things don't look too good now luh.
it's like, dad's a great dad.
but yes, cant deny tt he went too far.
but bro deserves it too i guess.
but i can't bear to see either one of them like tt.
anyone of you get it? SIGH.
mom's down with eye infections, dad just blew his temper (again) this morning.

i wanna cut away from this. i'm already so stressed with school and all.
how come things have to happen at this time.
things at home really changed.
dynamics are different.
i really dun wish for anyone of u to judge my family please.
dad's a really good dad.ppl have limits.
my family is supposed to be happy too.
but sometimes things don;t go e way we want it too.

i want them to know how much i really care for this family.
how much i want us to stick tgether.
how much i care for my pathetic little brother.
its tough.
sigh. i'm losing it already.

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7:36 PM

the hard work and effort and sleepless and dinnerless nights were definitely worth it. PRAISE THE LORD! hannah misses all of you. thank you for serving alongside with me. (: IGNYTE ROCKS!

cast of PLAYED OUT..REALITY BITES. 1JULY'07

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3:56 PM