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A terrible start to a day will make the whole day terrible. And yes I agree.
Woke up sneezing nonstop and ran a thermometer under my tongue. It read 37.8 degs. How nice. Another slight fever within the same week. Well I still went for tuition anyway, which was a bad choice la. Ended up spending one hour looking at the textbook all dazed and weary-eyed. Haha things didnt get better after I returned home. I just wasted 1.5 hours staring the more-or-less blank computer monitor and being blank.
I'm gonna start work after I blog this. Wahah life ain't good the way it is going. Emotional ups and downs are common and I'm hating it. Likewise I'm kinda being whittled and I'm slowly going down. I NEED REST. And the much-needed september hols will provide me some, I hope.
Life is like an eternal race. Everyone runs as fast and as long as they can, a test of strength and stamina. Some are faster and run longer than others, others can't catch up, or they can't hold on. I think I can possibly carry it through fast and long but something's telling me I'm purposely slowing down. Oh bother. My mind's terrorizing me again. X)
Now is one of those times where I sit down and wonder. Did I ever make any positive difference to anyone anytime in my life? I don't think I did. Whatever I did in my life was for MYSELF. Even as sacrificial, even as selfless as my actions seem, they always carry a bit of advantage for me. I'm selfish. I'm self-centred. It's my gain, nothing else. Or is it really? Am I solely like that, or is everyone just the same too? Blah.
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Today's my mom's bday! Wahah along with the sec2 cip prog and karaoke somewhere in bukit timah, it's pretty much a rather light-hearted day today. I feel rather relieved. Haha before I go on further I would like to apologize for the blog post laggage haha. A busy week it has been, no forgetting the many things whirling and twirling around me and managing them nicely and smoothly.
Apart from the heavy bombload of assignments, worktasks and TESTS especially, I've been deep-diving into thought lately (no don't tell me that I've been deep in thought all along, cuz this is deeper). Yep, and many ideas rushing through and exiting as fast, some barely skimming my mind's surface, some penetrating nail-sharp right in, forcibly prominent and perhaps rather poking. Oh well I've considered the idea that thinking too much might turn out to be bad for me, well as advised my many friends, but somehow I can't grow out of it. It's rather say, so to speak, been etched into myself. I just let myself process the many thoughts of the mind everyday, anytime. Or so it seems that I'm enjoying it. Well I can't deny that, I've been indulging myself in my own conflicts and debates. Haha oh well. XD
It's been long. Very long. For basically any or every aspect in my life. Well thinking along life's ambiguous guidelines and to the tune of inspiring songs I've crafted out a small whatzit. Rather vague it might seem, well blame it on my failure to express myself fully. (:
Look in the mirror and see
if everything was meant to be.
Look across the skies and twirl
feel like you're in one big whirl.
I see your face, you see mine too
As if fate just crafted it for me and you.
So what's just guiding us there,
or is there no one that cares?
Life is a question yeah,
so just answer it.
Looking at it now, it might turn out to be a suitable chorus for a song. So any friends interested approach me haha (:
Enough crapping for me. Haha bye I'll blog more in time to come XD
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I'm feeling very insightful today. Really haha.
Well I woke up with a start today at 8am and proceeded to devour my homework. That 3cm-thick stack of papers and assignments is still more or less 3cm-thick but this time I know I did something. Haha cleared my chinese compo, wrote 6 pages. Let me make my point known to the world that I've seriously waken up and I'm back to my usual self. Count on JonLim to mug the rest of the year off. Two failures and a big lesson taught me real good and yes, I'm not slacking anymore. JONLIM IS MUGGER AGAIN. (:
For the rest of the morning and early afternoon I worked at my history filing and french. Didn't stop till 5 something when I went out. Supposedly I was supposed to go see some electronic fair but dad didn't make it known to me that it was at World Trade Centre which is like LIGHT YEARS away from Simei so I decided not to go and made for Parkway Parade instead. That's when I became all pensive again. But I emphasize, pensive, but NOT MOODY. Haha. XD
We ate dinner the first thing we got there and I bought a plate of pork chop. Well the first thing I dug at was the fries. I forked one and ate it. And then everything started flowing. (: Tasted the salt like I never tasted before and I wondered. What makes us want to have a go at the fries again? What's with it that makes us continue eating it? Is it the salt or is it the fries? Okay then at that point I decided that it was the salt that makes us go on eating it. Well then I wondered again. If it's so darn salty then why do we choose to go on eating it?
Well if you find it crappy then go on reading further and it'll be crappier. (:
Well in the end I concluded that we continue eating not because we like the salt but because we want to taste the salt again and again, and I call it HUMAN GREED. If that doesn't make sense to you then forget it. Haha ask me on msn or something. XD Well dinner eaten, we went walking around aimlessly again. Hahaha my mom prefers to call it "family time". Oh well never mind I shall adhere to their fun and lively lifestyle and walk around aimlessly for once in total silence. -.- For some reason I was expecting to bump into thomas heng. LOL most probably because I met him in parkway parade not too long back. Hahaha mad siaoness.
Hahaha and when we walked around long enough I glanced at my watch and it showed 7.30pm. Frantically I urged my mom to go back home for the sake of French revision. But obviously she wouldn't waste such meaningful "family time" so I had to endure. And by the time I got back it was 8.25 -.- less than 3 hours left for revision. But anyway i'll shall terrorize my revision time further and make it 2 hours by blogging. (: Hahaha seriously we humans (especially busy teenagers) are all rushing for time everyday and I don't see the point unless we're really wanting to upkeep something. I'm trying to upkeep everything LOL, but now the basic concern is studies. Trust me I'm not gonna let myself down again and fail once more. CT2 will be my pickup point. Expect 4.0s coming in baby. Wheets~
CRAP enough crap. And oh did I tell you I've started to love cars because I'm basically thrashing my records again and again on Ridge Racer PSP and somehow I think I can represent Singapore soon enough. THAT'S IT JONLIM. You've crapped enough. BYE. XD
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Lalala. Here I am to rant about myself again. It's a Friday. And now I really love Fridays. Oh well.
Couldn't go for training cuz I injured my left leg. Dumb of me to trip over some metal chain barricade in the school carpark, making my lower leg all bleeding and swollen. Now it hurts when I run. Darn. Then later in the day I felt feverish and cold and in the end couldn't make it for RT meeting. Now sometimes it really PAINS to forgo all kinds of commitment for the sake of health. Really totally.
Returned home at 1.30 and slept all through the day till 6.30. That's a total of 5 hours, and in case you didn't know, 5 hours is like my normal sleeping time. Wahahaha. But anyway I still feel tired. Spasticated life of mine isn't getting anywhere. Plus to top the torment all off, guess what? Last week I had maths and chinese test on the same day, before that being the national day holidays (5 days in total). All the guys in 2A had 5 days to study for it, but I had 2 days to do so, thanks to the Malaysian Student exchange thingy.
And so I didn't really prepare much. I failed both tests. YES understand that, I FAILED both of them. Darnit. And there I go rattling on that my life is quite stable now when it actually isn't. I've been on a roundabout, nothing much else. And there I slump in my chair, staring hard at the cold blank wall at home, wondering and wondering but my thoughts never seem to surface, just skim across my mind like nothing and... yep. Time wasted.
TIME TIME TIME won't you just stop for me.
I can't run as fast as you, but you just won't slow down.
French Controle next week, then it's all over. Ciao.
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There my problems come and go, and my mood soars and swings. The big whirl I've been in all along, has been vanquished and I'm finally awake. Well I guess I am. Hahaha yay (:
Well it just took me a strenuous track training session to wake up. Guess my mind was really clouded and messed up before that. It just took me that training session I had yesterday to clear my mind, break free from all the mess and look at it from a different point of view. And now I blankly and directly put it that I've been kinda foolish all this while, running around in my own maze, never finding an exit nor even the entrance from which I entered. Now my mind is clear and I've come to realise that it wasn't even a maze at all. I've just been running in circles and circles and never realised it, that's all. Whew what a adventure.
Well I can't say that my whirled state was all downright bad la. It certainly had put me in a place I've never been before, and it has carved and ground many self-learning points into myself. So there it blankly points out that this JonLim has still alot to learn, and alot of experience to gain, before he actually sets out on the society, handling life's REAL challenges. What I'd do from now on, is to concentrate on my grades, slowly break free from the terrible sleeping routine i take in class, and yep, focus my time and energy more on my responsibilities. I won't turn into a deaded frankenstein however, I'll be as hyper and active as can be. I won't shut myself off from the world. Instead I'll open up my horizons.
Now typing until this point, a thought has come to mind. I know there are people who are out there, who make themselves heard, telling people that they're suffering and they're stressed and breaking down and stuff. Most of them are quite true, they just need time off to think it out and continue life's journey. But SOME people, are just faking it to gain attention, from the way I see it. Pardon my bluntness but yes, SOME people are just attention-seekers. I myself have come across one fine example quite long ago. This person adds me on msn and acts moody and stuff, and APPEARS to be stressed and on the verge of breakdown and stuff, through that person's nickname and profile. The thing is, it turned out to be all baloony. When that person first chatted me up, the first few sentences which came after "hello, and who are you" and stuff were asking me whether I have a stead and how many exs I have.
PLEASE. If you're already busy managing your downtrodden life then WHY EVEN BOTHER considering relationships. It's terribly wrong y'know. Proves that these people are just wanting to be heard and they want attention and be popular and stuff but just don't want to go the extra mile to be friendly and caring and instead just ACT PITIFUL. Totally sickens me. Whatever it is, I'm not going to let such people ruin my life. I'm running fine, I'm happy for who I am, I don't need extra parasites to cling onto me and irritate me by such means. Pardon my bluntness once again haha. So to all who read my blog, if you think you're one fine example of the above, I advise you to change. No use gaining popularity like that. Only sickens people. You won't earn real trust from friends like that. Just hang your head high and be proud of who you are. You don't need to be pitied to make friends y'know. But if you still carry on with such a sickening life, don't bother to get to know me, just BUZZ OFF. I'm not in need of people to sadden me down and ruin my life for no apparent reason. Totally pointless.
Lalala my opinions are blurted. Wheee hahaha BYE. XD
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Glad to say that I'm all okay again.
Sigh. Life is like a song. There's the chorus, there are the parts you just wanna listen to over and over again, there's the ending. We have the nicest things happening in life and we should be happy for it. There are many song genres. Yet you can't fuse all of them together or they'll sound weird. Likewise we can't have everything in our life too. We have the boring parts in a song, but they build suspense and anticipation for the eternally wonderful parts. Likewise we suffer and slog and work hard for our aspirations, and then we get our reward. We get what we deserve. A song ends, either abruptly or beautifully, and our lives end either way too. A song is done, so we forget about it and we wait for the next song. There's another similarity to life too. We go through one cycle, then forget about it and we start again. Some songs are crappy. Likewise I've crapped one whole paragraph out of thin air. Well done JonLim! (:
There's biology and geography CCTs this week. Believe it or not I totally don't understand a single thing the teachers are teaching now, so this calls for heavy revision and mugging (duh). So I'm just gonna leave my blogging at this point and go study. Haha cya.
By the way my hair's seemingly quite long and it's starting to flop already but somehow I've gotten it to look quite anime-ish. How fun. (:
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ARGH.
There are days when I feel totally dilemmized and confused, and today's just a fine example. Should I actually give up a portion of my life for studies or should I just carry on with my absofreakinglutely fine and rubbishy self? Craps drats ARGH.
Only the bio and geog CCTs remain for this term. I've gotta try to push myself and studyyyyyyy ARGH. Life's driving me to bits. I'm slowly fading. I've not been myself. I've not felt right ever since the nats ended, I repeat again. Now I really wonder if my desperate attempts to spark up my life by socializing are really futile. It does appear that right now, I'm being all helpless and whirled up, and now I really wonder if I should actually return to my studious and school-centered self.
JonLim, look here. If you don't lead a nice and popular life all along, the least thing you can do is to accept the fact that you aren't cool, you aren't hip, you aren't pop. No use following in the footsteps of others because you're just not fit for it. Your character, your aspirations, they're just not for the guy you are right now. Stop it and step back into where you really belong.
Sigh. Some things are just unattainable in life and I'll come to accept that slowly. You can't be with friends and be popular and stuff if you're just not fit to do so. But howsoever, I admit I really need support from others to drive my determination and confidence. Perhaps a school-centered life would really suit me.
Okay people I think I'm gonna slowly TRY to revert back to my old self. If any friends really find it a shame, I'm sorry then.
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I'm pretty well much back to normal. I had a really serious breakdown the other time but now it's all over. However things are still not going all too well. I just had my Chinese and Maths tests today and now I think I'll just FLUNK them. Argh. This time I'll have to reconsider my priorities (ONCE AGAIN, i know). A lot of work is piling on my desk, and my work completion rate is far slower and unable to manage the incoming work rate doh. Tests. ARGH obviously it's obvious that I don't have time to study. Now before any parents, teachers or muggers shoot their mouths off at what I just said, let me point out that I'm not slacking. I've definitely not slumped in my chair for eternity. Let's just say that responsibilities take up a lot of my time. Well wait I know there are a lot of reasons for everyone to shoot their mouths off at me right now, but wait. I enforce that I'm totally not blaming my responsibilities cuz I'm glad I have them. It's what keeps me alive. It's what keeps me going. Responsibilities aside, I still want my life. I don't want to live in a 10-hectare campus with worksheets and tests and assignments flowing around and circulating totally. I want to be known, I want to have company. I need support from friends. Without any agreement and approval of my activities and of what I'm doing, I'd probably not have half the confidence I have now, so I'm happy for how I've socialized; I'm okay with my current social circle.
But then again, something doesn't really seem right with the way I operate my life now. Instead of feeling much more at peace with myself, I also get an equal amount of trouble too. Something is just wrong and someone has just gotta talk me out. Well I'm making this choice on my own anyway. It will take time and it will take long, but it's gonna be good for me... I hope. Ah well enough ranting and on with my work. I've got to mug for an english test tmr, plus an interschool philosophy dialogue session to prepare for, whatever lies ahead of me. Ciao. Sheesh whatever's wrong with me, I'll change. I will. This is not what I want to be. Lalala fine BYE.
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AAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHH.
Go away. Leave me alone. I hate myself for being a total idiot all this while and I'm still hating myself so SCRAM and come back to this blog another day. Bye.
Life sucks.
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Busted. My legs are totally busted. Gone, destroyed, damaged, injured. Haha in total I ran 70 rounds around the track, making a total distance of 28km. AND I FEEL LIKE DYING. I wanna chop my legs off. Gosh XD. Dr William Tan broke the record, now total 607 rounds of the track in 24 hours. Totally fantastic. Well that's all done and over with, I've still got 3 whoppingly big projects to finish. Fortunately I got rid of one yesterday. Now I'm sitting right here in the classroom, writing out my blog entry on my notebook. So tired. -_-
Well yesterday night was rather pensive. Just stoned on my desk after my project, thinking and sorting out my current life's clouded issues, all to the tune of a sad song. Well looking back a year ago, I was a nobody, for the fact that I was rather a perfectionist, striving for the best everyday in my grades, never caring about what others would think, I stayed within (literally 'within') the grounds of the school. I didn't bother to venture much, Much simply, I was um, yeah. I was dead.
But then again it's been a year. And I'm looking at how i exactly fared so far right now. It's been a year. And I've stepped out of my comfort zone, exploring areas of possible development. And look, I've gone this far. My blog is running high and nicely. I have good friends all around. I'm satisfied for my track performance this year. But the thing is, i've left what I wanted to achieve perfection for in the first place : grades. My life is certainly much more beautiful, more meaningful now, but nevertheless my original self still has its pros, and it has put me back in that place where I start to consider my priorities again. Crappy as it sounds, it's making me go haywire reconsidering my life's choices. Argh.
What I'm happy for now is my social circle. I've certainly gone through a lot to learn what I actually am, and what I actually want to be. I've placed myself in the shoes of others again and again, and sometimes I just seem undeserving of my friends time and again. Well thankfully good friends have talked me through and I believe I'm happy for what I am and what I will be. This JonLim will be going somewhere, yet nowhere. Argh who cares BYE.
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