A much needed break from life...

Favorite moment from my trip would be this....

Okay REWIND...Let me start from the beginning.

Jeremy and I have had a horrible and very LONG year. It was time- we needed a break.

We decided to plan a trip for us to get away, we eventually settled on going to Seaside for a beach trip.

As we drove we talked about our need for this trip and how happy we were to get it.

We listened to a new CD we bought just for this very trip- yes I am a Taylor Swift fan...

FYI- I love three of the songs in particular, Her recent hit: "Mine" and a song called "speak now" and lastly my tissue jerker that I cried too many times on the way to our getaway,

"Never grow up". * I'll explain how that song has touched me in another post I'm working on.

This picture just cracks me up because we took it shortly after arriving to our hotel that is right on the beach. * I didn't realize that the camera was zoomed in...lol but isn't hubs handsome?

Okay Mama's this was a tear jerker for me... I saw a blog that featured names written in the sand but they closed their requests. I really wanted to have my baby's name written in the sand- so finally I was able to make this happen. We went down to the beach right after we arrived and wrote it as you see pictured below. (ladybug and all ) We were only able to go down to the beach twice because weather was not the best for all but 1 of the 3 days we were there. We did write her name again on the other- nicer might I add, day.

This is a shot of our suite that overlooked the ocean.

Okay so here is a shot to show you just how insane the bath tub was. It was big enough to fit at least three people...no joke. Can you see the shock on my face here people?

And YES I did get in it every night.

Through out this trip my husband and I were consistently reminded of the beautiful baby we lost in a battle. Wounded we are, but she left a story for the world and foot prints on our hearts.

This is one of many Ladybug things we came across in our ventures through shops near the beach. Funny, you'd think we'd see more sea creature stuff... ladybugs...hmmm

Here we are a Subway eating one of two lunches we ate there while on this trip.

On the second night, I planned a special meal at a place called, Maggie's on the prom.

Here you see a photo of our meal- hubs and a chicken pot-pie and I had a steak with red potatoes. I loved the cute and intimate place but it went from awesome service to a crowd of people piling in from off the boardwalk and into the restaurant. We were quickly forgotten about and had horrible service there after. (wouldn't recommend them for future.)

We skipped desert at Maggie's and went to a better place- We had a cheesecake topped with raspberry and white chocolate drizzled over the top.

Here you see one of our breakfast's that was room serviced into our room for a bed and breakfast sorta thing.

These frogs pictured below these words were REAL...yes you read that right...Real.

They were dipped in bronze and some other kind of special dips and positioned accordingly. The brighter the color the more poisonous. These were only some of the real frogs in this art store.

These frogs pictured below were not real but were made from a special mold.

This another thing that made me sad- I was reminded that though I may have more babies in the future there will aways be one missing on earth.

This shop also carried a frog that was posing with a ladybug on it's finger tip..took everything in me not to buy it.

This is just a nice picture of a seagull I took on the one day of nice sunny weather.

I want to add that this was a miracle that we had sun at all on this trip. This time of the year at the beach is usually rainy and windy. Just days before we took our trip they had a storm..today or tomorrow they predict another storm. We went and left in perfect timing.

( I also want to say that none of the pictures on this post were taken from the web or photo shopped in any way. All taken from my Nikon camera by me or hubs. With the exception of the old times photo.)

So blessed to have this man by my side!

I wanted a cool angle of the beach and sun- I think this is a nice shot.

Look at that sky! I still can't believe we got that sky during our trip to seaside!

Here I am writing TanaLee's name for a second time. Another tear jerker...It was a powerful moment to see her name together with God's beautiful creation! Simply awe inspiring.

It's hard to see but I am placing a shell that I found that looked much like a butterfly down with her name.

Jeremy was looking out to the ocean and trying to throw a large stick into the ocean...it always came back...

Another powerful view we witnessed

Here I am getting what I thought would be a nice pedicure and manicure...sorely mistaken.

It took four hours to end up with a crappy paint job and a arm and legs worth of money down the drain. This women has been doing this business for quote, 15+ yrs...four hours, REALLY? I think Jeremy could have done a better job..needless to say I don't think she should be licensed and that I will be paying more money to correct what she couldn't do very soon and I will never return to that spa. (after 3 hours went by I was ready to paint my own nails!) (I was her only client at this time-

its appointment only!)

This is only a small fraction of the seagulls that lined up like ducks in a row- right in front of my hotel room when I woke up the last morning of our trip. (run on sentence I know..lol)

By the time breakfast had arrived..we ate and decided to feed the birds too. Crazy idea , because I am not joking when I say they swarmed our balcony and flew in to grab a bite. Then they formed a flight circle to take turns to get some food...kinda cool actually.

All in all we had a great time. We enjoyed shopping, walking to the beach and seeing each other broken but mending the hurt of our loss. This was one step forward to our beginning to truly heal...never completely but to at least be okay to live and smile through our heart ache.

If you haven't done it yet, I 100% recommend you take a trip away from your new normal...try and let go of some of that baggage. It will always be a piece of oak that sits in your pocket but at least carve it into something beautiful.

Domestic Housewife

The delicious cheesy mixture!

Excuse the dirty oven folks!!!

The finished product-

Tonight I really began to feel like the domestic housewife. I made dinner like I do most days in the week but this time I felt different. I'm not sure why but I felt so giggly about the fact that I made dinner so early just because Jeremy had to leave for work tonight. So I made stuffed noddles and garlic French bread. Yum, right? So you want that great recipe and directions to make it? Okay hold onto your oven mittens here it comes:

The recipe come from my fantastic cookbook that my mother-in-law bought me to give me something to do and learn more from shortly after I married Jeremy. From it I have learned some great tips about cooking and just got yummy recipes from- Better Homes and Gardens "anyone can cook, step by step recipes just for you".

The recipe is called, " Spinach-Stuffed Pasta Shells" its found on page 321 of the Pasta/rice/grains section.

Ingredients:

12 dried jumbo shell macaroni ( I use Ronzoni jumbo shells- only takes 10 minutes to cook)

1 10 ounce package frozen spinach (this can be in leaf or chopped form)

2 eggs, lightly beaten

2 cups shredded Italian cheese blend (8 ounces, I recommend 2 cups for the cheese mix but a little extra for the top needs to left to the side for the topping.)

1 cup Ricotta cheese

1 26-32 oz jar pasta sauce (or you can make your own blend of sauce)

Directions-

1. Cook jumbo shells according to package directions. Drain. Rinse with cool water. Drain once more. Set to the side, drain spinach. * tip- I put my spinach in the microwave in a safe bowl with a lid for four minutes and its ready or defrosted.
2. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. To prepare filling for shells, in a large bowl (I double recipe)/ medium bowl mix together drained spinach, cheeses and eggs. Give a generous helping into each jumbo shell. Put stuffed shells into a 2 quart square baking dish. ( I use a 15X10X12 in. baking pan.) Pour pasta sauce over the top. Sprinkle leftover cheese blend.
3. Bake, covered ( I don't cover) in pre-heated oven for 40 minutes or until bubbly and heated through. * without doubling it makes about 4 main serving dishes...mine makes about 6-8. (this depends on how hungry my family of four is and how much I myself will eat. I typically will eat four stuffed shells and a piece of garlic bread.

If you happen to try this let me know what you think...

As far as my domestic skills, they have defiantly improved since marriage a year and half ago. But I can't help but feel somewhat lost since I'm not forced to think about what to feed TanaLee. You know what I mean? I constantly feel like shouldn't I be worried if a baby would or could eat this? Do any of you BLM's feel this way? My TanaLee would be of age now, if she were still around she might be dabbling in "normal" foods had she not been sick in the hospital. * insert sigh here*

Something way off subject but I just got to thinking about songs and how their meaning has changed after a loss...What are songs that changed you? I'll post a blog about songs that have changed me after I get your response.

Names On The Sidewalk

Today I opened my email to see a beautiful email with the cutest chalk artwork of TanaLee's name. TanaLee is so dear to my heart and after a horrible day the other day I decided to email a request from a dear BLM friend of mine to have her write my daughters name.

To my surprise, even with all the people she gets email's from and her hectic life she took out the time to put "a rush order" on my order for TanaLee's name. Not to mention her sweet shout out to me on her blog. I so love this BLM for showing me so much compassion through my grief, she is a sister to me. (even though we only have just recently spoke over the phone for the first time a few days ago...for FOUR hours...can you believe that??? I haven't talked that long with one person in a very long time!) And not only this BLM but ALL my followers- THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for your support and for following me in my journey to cope with my new normal. I appreciate the comments you leave, I read them all. I love to do this whole bloggy thing- therapeutic really. A SHOUT out to you all- you have been the most wonderful medicine and therapists a girl could cry for. lol

Horton Hears a Who!

Tonight I was watching, Horton Hears a Who...okay so I am so over grown to be watching this, I'll be the first to admit this. There was nothing else on and I'm tired anyway...but then a scene in the movie really jumped out at me that didn't jump out at me back when I first watched the movie. *Just to add- this movie made me laugh way more watching it this time.

Jane Kangaroo will be = JK

Horton will be = H

JK: Horton!

H: It's good.

JK: What do you think you're doing? Ha, you got some world in trouble. Have you forgotten what we discussed?

H: Oh no! I'm an elephant, and elephant's never forget. It's a curse, really. I remember I was on my head. and you said, and I looked up. And you say what are you doing? And I say the thing about the speck. Then you pull my ears, and you fork in the forehead.

JK: Horton!

H: What? You did.

JK: Give me that clover, Horton. Now.

H: NO!

JK: NO?

H: Yeah.

JK: Are you sure you wanna fight this fight, Horton? Because I promise you that it will get ugly very fast. And you need to ask yourself, is it really worth putting myself through all of this? for a clover? Take after me Horton, you don't. So hand it over.

H: NO! I can't give it to you. There are people on this speck, granted they are very small people. But a person is a person. No matter how small.

This jumped out to me like a jack in his box toy. I was half watching it, practically asleep when these lines caught my attention. It reminded me of when TanaLee was born and how doctors talked about babies born before 25 weeks usually aren't resuscitated because of the statistic that babies tinier would not survive. You BLM's have seen your babies fight harder then most people in their short lives. Some of you had babies smaller then 25 weeks and they survived for days outside the womb! I think there needs to be a change in the closed minded world...A Person is a person, no matter how small. They still exist or existed.

Anyway, this movie now has more meaning to me now that I am a BLM. Most things about being a BLM are hard and cold with reality. But there is a side of being one of these women that I can appreciate, I appreciate life and what the human life really does for a family more then the average person. I see things in a whole new light- any child I have in the future will never be set in front of the TV for hours on end because that life is valuable and I should make time for them because I will never get those moments again. Being a BLM has shown me that you can't shove your kids in a corner with a coloring book and let their life pass you by...ENJOY them, they are blessings and a hug from God above! Get together and spend some time with your rainbows if you have them and spend time with the ones you love- they matter more then anything else.

Poor...Poor...Savannah

Yesterday Savannah had surgery to get spayed. The poor girl came home so drugged up that she slept almost all night with the exception of some whimpers. I feel so bad for her, she looks so sad and humiliated. I sure love her anyway- here are some pictures of the last two days with her after surgery.

Today little miss rebel had to get a cone to keep her from licking and itching her stitches. I couldn't help but laugh at how pathetic she tried to look. When we first put the cone on at home, (The vet tried but she freaked out and sprayed her anal gland stuff.) she resisted *not freaking out as much* and eventually got it on but stood there like she was frozen or something...very funny actually since normally she will follow me everywhere. I feel bad for her but I have to admit that on a bad yucky day like this, she cures my sadness with a laugh.

A time capsule

Yesterday night Savannah's body clock finally decided to go into heat. She is seven months and she wants to start now?? Why now? Don't you know I need that money silly girl? Well apparently she doesn't care b/c off we went to the vet to drop her off for an overnight stay. She will receive a good morn'n pup with a I.V. starting to knock her right back out for surgery. She was mad at me today because I kept her in her kennel all day (with the exception of potty- breaks) and for the longest time she wouldn't even look at me. Then the above happened just as I waited in the lobby to pay for Savannah's surgery. (I sat down to open a dog magazine and that is what I opened to.) *tears*

I spent some time looking through some photo's, some that I forgot I had.

Some caused tears of joy and some that brought back the pain that washed over me in June. I remember going out to eat with my family just a few weeks before my life changed dramatically.

At the time of the picture of the names written on the table, I was still too early in my pregnancy to know the gender of my growing baby. I wrote on the table the names my husband and I finally agreed on. I was excited because I knew within a few days I would get to finally call that baby- TanaLee! The picture with my belly showing was a joke because TanaLee was much to small to make me show but it shows you that my sister was a thousand times bigger and further in her pregnancy. I remember thinking about how cool it was to share this with my sister..having babies born around the same time. She ended up having my niece in September and I was more then ready to be an aunt. I just wasn't ready for TanaLee the following month.

You see when I was pregnant it was the season to multiply babies were everywhere...(notice the ducks pictured at the pond near my house) I felt so blessed to be pregnant despite my constant morning sickness. I look back and cry tears that I didn't get the same birth experience my sister got. I rejoice that her birthing process went safely but I cry that now she suffers traumatizing surgeries for her precious little girl. Something I am all too familiar with.