Beautifully broken 101

What is wrong with me? Its been nearly a year of TTC and I still fail.

This is a new emotional roller-coaster for me. I was on one for seven months and three days as my child fought for her life and then tossed into another one as I grieve for her. Now I am yet again thrown into another ride of ups and downs as I TTC. Why was it so easy to conceive TanaLee but now be so hard? At first I know it must have been my stress to blame and my eating habits and lack of patience. Well now I pretty much throw caution to the wind and hope for the best. Why is it still so hard when I've made the necessary adjustments? I've bought just about a gazillion ovulation tests to help predict...hmm....well I think its time to step it up a notch and spend a little more money on a new gadget - A Fertility Monitor. I've heard good things about these things except for the price. I'm not sure that it will be worth the money but I guess I wont know until I try it out. What do you think? Have you ever used one or know someone who has?

WARNING******This next portion is a tid bit graphic************************

For me, this life of TTC has been a gift wrapped present. One that b/c the outside shines and sparkles that the gift must be worth tearing up the wrapping paper, only to find its just grey rocks inside. Excitement then the let down....over and over again. I must admit this month of TTC has been the hardest let down for me since I had really weird symptoms. Symptoms that never occur for me during my cycle. I had strong breast tenderness, headaches, eating double my portions (this has nothing to do with the holiday food) lets see...I think my biggest ? was the fact that my nipples became puffy and displayed bumps they say is only present when you become pregnant. So with all this i was lead to believe....you MUST be pregnant....HOLY COW PIE you MUST be PREGNANT!!! But today closed that door right on my face.

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So this is basically were I'm standing today. Up for RENT....hoping for a baby to occupy my lonely uterus. Oh crap I sound like a sad broken record....someone quick change my station. I neglect my blog so often b/c I hope to blog about something like a BIG FAT POSITIVE. I want to be able to blog about happy pregnancy updates and the latest in my happy newly pregnant life...not about how I'm hanging by a thread and wallowing in TTC drama.

LETS GIVE UM SOMETHING TO TALK ABOUT....that's what my heart sings for this blog. Pray that baby dust finds its way to me...I think it got lost in shipping....

Cupcake War with TTC

Feeling a bit down today. I indulged in a Sweet Cake cupcake and bathed Savannah as she needed a good scrubb. Otherwise Im feeling kinda blah and lonely. I'm not even sure why...maybe its because I'm in "2ww" and I'm feeling like I'll get a BFN. (no symptoms yet...I have what I think might be symptoms but I really just think its all in my head...none of them last long.) Maybe its b/c I've been alone the last two days...not like that's out of the norm. I'm just in a funk and need a boost.

I hate to blog all about how depressed I am b/c this is not me to whine. I just have to vent today...

TTC is something I've been so hopeful with up until recently...its no longer full of hope. I continue to try b/c I want to have hope but its hard when you get that negative symbol month after month. I kinda regret waiting as long as I did to start TTC... its seems like when women TTC shortly after a birth or loss they conceive much quicker...hormones are higher I guess...well I waited 8 months after my loss to even consider TTC. So this is a tough subject for me. I think eventually I'll get that super boost again...I just need to remind myself that this is possible. Anyone TTC for months? Anyone ever feel as doubtful as I with TTC at this point? What was your experience? I'm looking for something that might give me a renewed hope... I want to hope again.

I guess i should calm down with this rant/depressing vent about how sad ive been today. Hopefully next time things will be happier. Hugs to you all.

ISAIAH is HERE!

My Nephew Isaiah Reed V. was born early this afternoon weighing 5lbs 12oz and was 19.5 inches long. He is so adorable and so loved as his big sisters are.

We didn't have too think to much about blinking our eyes before he was born since it was only about 15 minutes that my sis'n'law arrived to the hospital that he was born. She only pushed once and he was outta there. I guess you can say she is a fortunate mama only laboring for about a hour total. She is one that "labors" for weeks up to the delivery though. Unfortunately she suffered through tough contractions up until today. * Due to respect for her and her family I won't be sharing any photos of Isaiah, as much as I'd like to.* (If only I could, he's sooo cute!)

In other things to blog about, saw this on another blog so i thought it would be fun....

RIGHT NOW:

Watching: the time, so that I can meet my husband at the hospital so that he can meet his new nephew.

Eating: More like eat some popcorn.

Drinking: nothing yet...

Wearing: Jeans, slippers, scarf and Columbia sweater and tank.

Avoiding: Biting my lip...hurts b/c i have a small sore on the inside of my lip due to my braces. :(

Feeling: Tired and a bit stressed since I got nothing done today and I work tomorrow.

Missing: My baby girl

Weather: COLD! So windy and its freezing everything up! No sign of snow yet...

Praying: For TTC to work soon. To get in a better spiritual routine and that all will know our creator and his name.

Needing: More hours in a day.

Thinking: When is hubs gonna be home?

Loving: My family- Hubs and TanaLee, support, this blog, my new slippers!

So what about you? What are you doing now?

Growing old-

We all age. Many of us have thought about it. But here's a lingering question that has haunted me,

How will I age as a women who lost a baby? Will people look at my life since as a pity party? Or be encouraged and say my story has touched them. As a young child I pictured what my life would be, I could picture myself getting married, having children but that's were it stopped. I can't picture myself growing old. I'm now in my 20's, so yes i'm still getting older but I still cant picture myself old. I look in the mirror and see how the last two years especially have aged and scared my face but still I cant see it...not as a 50-70 year old women. I have always had this "joke" about how I was gonna die young b/c my upbringing wasn't the best. But something scares me- I now have PKD (now know about it) This as you would have read here is potentially life threatening if not properly monitored. The fact that I can't picture myself old really bothers me b/c I wonder if I will indeed die young. I'm not saying here that I can possibly predict my future or anything...I'm just saying that it bothers me.

How will my life turn out as a whole. Will I ever have any more children as desired? Will I forever live in the world of no children of my own?

I don't know the answers to these questions but it has been on my mind. I am afraid to grow old not b/c my hair will turn grey or because I may not see as I once did. I am afraid of the unknown. I don't want my life to result in a care home with little to look back on and be happy. I don't want my husband to be bitter b/c he has no photos of a child he raised with me. We deserve to be parents and live a life that was well worth it and experience the joys that God has purposed. Have any of you thought about this? Have you worried about how your loss will age you? Please comment and tell me about your thoughts.

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A update on my last post...

Genesis went into surgery yesterday starting at 9:30am once she was successfully hooked up to the bypass machine. After a long wait (actually much quicker than Dr's anticipated) about 3-4 hours we got word that surgery went well, her heart valve had minimal leakage and that as long as the surgery procedure holds up she may never need another surgery and may get off her heart meds. This was a huge load off our backs...we had been told they might have to replace her valve all together. They instead were able to repair her own valve and use her tissues alone.

She is expected to get off the ventilator and wean off the suppressants they have her on to keep her from pulling away the tubes on and in her chest. They are also hoping to start feeding her again. I am so happy that things have worked out as nicely as they have. Genesis has been through one surgery prior to this one for the same thing but they contrast big time. I will update as time and energy allow. Thank you for all those of you who prayed and kept Genesis in your thoughts.

No time like a nail biting time...

No i'm not a nail biter but its a phrase that is universal for: Crap, i'm nervous!

Time and Time again I have mentioned or posted about my niece Genesis. Well today is going to be another time.

Confession- I'm scared out of my mind for the coming day that approaches. Genesis will undergo yet another open heart surgery to fix or replace the leaky valve. Doctors plan on going in to just repair the valve but they wont know if they must do more until they get her in on the operating table.

This scares me for several reasons, my niece has only endured one heart operation and that was when she was about seven months old and could not verbalize her pain or walk ect. She is now two and can do all of the above and more. It also pains me to see any child/baby hospitalized but especially when its family and when they are stuck with tubes to breathe and lines coming from all directions to drain or pump something out or in. This brings back to mind all sorts of memories with TanaLee. To now see her cousin dealing with such awful things is unspeakable. Please keep Genesis in your thoughts as Monday December 5th approaches. Until that day arrives I'm nervously keeping myself busy and trying to stay positive minded.

New things to think about

After catching up on so many of your posts...someone in particular stuck a cord with me. There were two things that reached through this laptop and grabbed my mind and my heart.

For one thing its grief: Many of us have thought about at what time would we send ourselves to what others might view as the looney bin. One BLM sought out the help when she recognized the need. I can say that at times I too have wondered if I should seek some sort of counseling but then I realize I'm just having a moment and its not necessary to go seeking out help that I may not need. But Pride is strong and often times leads to a complete meltdown of a person. I appreciated that this BLM didn't allow pride or others to sway what she would do with her grief. Something else was that she mentioned wanting more children and that she wants tidbits of her lost baby in the rainbows. I can identify with that and up to now couldn't verbalize how I felt for a rainbow in my life as far as TanaLee is concerned. Its true, I want a rainbow for a lot of reasons but one strong reason is to see tidbits of Tanalee in another child...may that be in looks or personality.. just something to see daily of what I've lost but will gain in the future. Something to give me more hope for in my future...something to keep my ups ups.

So in conclusion I've seen yet again why it is that I keep doing this bloggy thing...not just to keep tabs on the Jones' but to figure out my grief and how its matured and changed over time...to remember my girl and share the goings in my daily effort to rise from the ashes of disappointment & failure. To live life again with a true smile.

Its EPIC

So by now many of you know I'm a fan of video games....well my latest addition has taken over my life at the moment....so addicting....so exciting...ITS EPIC MICKEY!!!!

I have always been a fan of Disney stuff like Mickey, Donald, Pluto....on and on....so to put them in a game is genius...to me at least. Today I must have played at least four hours straight of this game. You get to one level and then woosh your sucked into the next. I'm realizing that time has gone by and then I snap back into reality. HELLO! Messy kitchen and laundry piled to the ceiling! Then I got to thinking how my life has sorta been a video game....I loose and then win and sometimes try, try again but with no success. So I'm stuck in this awful level of life that I just cant beat. I need someone more experienced in the game of "LIFE" to help me beat this level.....

I guess i'm just tired of constantly trying to get somewhere but with alot of lag time. The minute I feel life is getting easier something stops me in the passing of my life. NO CONTROL. I'm glad for this blog for helping me have a place to clear my head and share my zany ways with the world.

I know I've promised blog posts of my new place but I just cant bring myself to photograph how messy and packed half way it is. Maybe in the near future.

November 11, 2011

Hey! I know its like I fell off a cliff or something.

Without consistent internet service up until now its been hard to blog. Lots has happened but yet I haven't found the words of what to say in a post. Here's y first shot and hope I make it back into blog kingdom if your still out there wanting to read about my goings. I unfortunately cannot announce like many of you have about a recent pregnancy or how great it is with a eight month old or even cry about the fact that in two days my daughter will be two....strange but I've cried out about those for months now....cant really say much more then that. But as I promised I'm not living in the past as far as TanaLee goes. So you wont hear me lamenting about what I've lost with her....just memories and thoughts I've had from time to time.

I kinda feel broken ....a limp noodle... a nut without its shell....a big terd left from its owner...(sorry had to put that one in there! Ha!) I'm just in that kinda mood to add the last one. Jeremy and I have been trying this whole rainbow thing out... haven't been successful either. So in turn I feel like my body is letting me down yet again. Yes I'll admit I spent at least a couple $$$ on Ovulation tests and prego tests and scanning the internet for every way to make it all happen in a snappy....I figure I'm young and my life and body is like a rubber-band, i'll snap back and it will be effortless....Ha! I was WRONG. We have been trying with every effort and still no occupancy here.

Time. Where has it gone? Well I can tell you what I've been doing with my T.I.M.E

T- TTC

I- Indulge in sugar when RED visits

M-More work, less play...gets those bills paid and keeps the hubby happy

E- Envy less and give more freely to others even those whole break my heart.

More Forwardly please... I've been working my tail off, learning that I cant have control on everything and forgiving myself and others for the mishaps in life.

I've learned a great deal about patience and what it means to wait on God. Okay....i'm trying to learn. Truth be told i'm not the most patient person/some might argue that but really...when its something I want I hate to wait....wither that be a baby or a new dresser....waiting is the game I fail at so often. That is my PROBLEM. They say that TTC should be done with no expectations and really to have FUN with IT- Beep: where do I fit in when I've suffered loss? How do I NOT turn something once a fun thing into an obsession? okay i'm done with this ya'll...bottom line, its hard to not rush emotions when you want anything bad enough.

My Sis-law is prego with her first/last, son/child. She will be expecting him next month.

My new job is taking shape nicely. I've learned a lot and am loving going to work for the first time in my life.

All in all I have been frantically trying to update myself with all of your blog posts in all that I've missed. Congrats to those of you in the past/recent months who have had good come their way, I'm so sorry to those of you who suffered in someway.

Til next time,

~Felicia

Work & craziness

Hello all....I am so sorry time has run away with me....oh and this economy yeah makes me work more and more I tell ya. So hears yet another post with no picture but an update about what I've been up to.

First let me say that children say the darn-est things. I love um but may Jehovah help me when things spill out that are hard to hear. Yesterday I sat next to a friends granddaughter and the first thing she said was...."where's ye baby?"

Me: "She's with Jehovah, he's baby siting until paradise." (This is the best way to explain it to a four year old) (this is in no way teaching that TanaLee is in heaven.)

Girl: "Oh she's died. *nervous smile* I'm sorry she's died. Are you trying to have more babies? Will they die too?"

Me: " I don't know sweet heart."

Okay so I understand that she's young and doesn't understand the whole "this is so painful" thing. But when every time I see her she's asked me this. It stinks.

In other happenings, I had an awful interview yesterday for a job I could almost careless to have except for any extra money would help now that I pay an arm & a leg for health insurance.

I have been rolled up and run down for the last few months. Still no sign of a baby in my road way unless it belongs to someone else. :( Hopefully as I straighten things out a baby rainbow for me and J would be nice to come along. For now its ciaos of our jobs, bills, and moving yet again due to my jobs requirements. Yahoo! Anyone feel as if you've been hit by a baseball bat by reading this? lol Thanks for stopping by, I sure miss this place and look forward to being here again soon. Hugs to you all.

Work...Work...Work.

Just a quick update...been looking for employment and stressing myself out. I sure miss you all...hope I can read your updates soon. Hugs-

Felicia

Back with the smiles & ducks quacking up!

Today is nice day so we took a walk to see some ducks and through a 'green space' or otherwise known as a forest near the in-laws place. The ducks didn't seem too impressed with our visit since we went with no bread to treat them. *who really does that? knowing they are going to a duck pond, & not bring bread? lol* It was very nice to walk and soak up the sun laughing as I listen to my niece Genesis try to say "Savannah", saying it 'anna'. We were greeted by the local pond duckies and Genesis would say, Ucky! Ucky! So cute. I couldn't help but feel happy to see my niece thriving despite the health issues she faces. She's so stinking cute. I love to spend time with her. It amazing me thinking about how "big" she's getting and thinking about had TanaLee been here and healthy she wouldn't be far behind her. Crazy but its okay.

I'm working with Savannah trying to condition her with babies hoping that she will get used to them so that things go smoothly for when hubs and I are once again parents to a little baby. Hopefully in the near future if all works out. So far Savannah shows concern for the crying babies but that's about it...just sniff and bulge her little eyes at me like, "Somethings terribly wrong with that thing."

As of yet nothing to exciting to talk about...just everyday living and coping going on around here.

Yay another post!

Hello...I'm back again. Shocking I know!

So I just wanted to post yet another wonderful gift(s) from another dear BLM. I just have to say first that its continuing to amaze me that you all can give so much love and yet again send your love via gift. I could never afford to buy you all a gift in return but over time I hope those of you that keep close in touch with me will receive something to show my appreciation. Thank you....now to show the gift....

Thank you SOOOO much my dear friend. You are more the generous to get these for me but it lifted my mood after such a hard day...it came in perfect time. Ladybugs are so my favorite thing to remember TanaLee as that was her nickname. You hit the nail on the head to bring me out of the slums of sadness. Thank you!

I want to take this time I have to say again another Thank You to all that have taken time out of your lives to visit my blog and walk with me in this journey. You get a first hand look into my grief, were I am headed in this journey and see my ups and downs in all its glory. This is an open diary were I feel no judgement and gain strength to continue to be better in life. I get a new perspective each time I go through something and receive feedback from ya'll. I put that together with my faith in the resurrection hope and it makes for a nice relationship. So thank you to all involved in helping me cope and gain a closer bond with our creator. Hugs and well hopes to you all....I hope to further catch up with you all. I have yet to be able to comment on many of your blogs due to lack of time but I have tried to keep up. With my absent words to your lives know that I will try to catch up and comment again. I am always keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.

~Felicia

Thank you's....Been up too's and a whole lot more!

June 16, 2011 (one year & seven months)

This is the last post to count out that timeline out loud. I have vowed to do my best to think positive from today on out. No more thinking about how long its been since I've held her...Its only I am this way now and I've changed for the better. We are (blank) years closer to seeing our wonderful baby girl. *I am sure I will have my moments but I'm serious that I want to think positive. So on with how today went thus far and what I've been up to.

The goods

Fresh out of crying in the car, about to donate the goodies!

Well lets just be honest.....today was awful. Not just because it was a day marking a year since our baby's passing. No, wait there's more... we also had some awful people come in contact with us, bad communication and loss of a good employee at the hospital, oh and add that we had a mysterious loss of money in our bank account. So yes we had a pretty awful day so far. Good news...we came home in one piece had some dignity left and the sun was out. We were able to donate a basket of items which included two DVDs and some kitchen supplies. I hope that it all goes to good, thankful people. You wouldn't believe how ungrateful some people can be, even when dealing with awful circumstances.

The Ronald McDonald House in Seattle

This is a photo a child painted and the hospital hung it up...I LOVE it!

I have been busy with my family and got some really great stuff in the mail from a dear BLM. So without further wait...here are photos of what I've been doing lately.

*Hubs was there with me today but he wasn't much for photos. :) *

These are the amazing details my dear BLM friend put together for me!

I cried opening each and every piece.

This painted stone is a collection of words that remind me of TanaLee...She asked me months prior and I had no idea what she was planning.

I cried the most about this piece...I have been wanting and searching for a new jewelry piece to remember TanaLee with since my ring is nearly toast...(Ha!)

We had so much fun on the slides! *excuse the ugly ya'll. *

Here's were we pretended that Genesis was a super baby and can do the monkey bars!

Coming back from a world of quiet...

Hi everyone,

I have been in the loudest quiet place in my life. I have been crying non-stop as my body naturally knows that wither I acknowledge it now or not, Thursday June 16 will come and be even if i don't want it to. Life has been a bit more challenging seeing that my dear old pal "red" decided to visit me this fine sunny day. *Insert cringed up face here* So not a friend if you ask me.

As the weather gets warmer I seem to be getting a lighter feel in my step...just trying to get past the 16th. We plan to take a day trip to Seattle and donate to RMH among other outings to remember our sweet girl. After this day I vow is to no longer to say, "It's been _____ years since she's been gone or last held her ect....I want to say, In the last ____year(s) this is how far we have come and how I've changed for the better and grown to help others. Since I last held my baby girl I am only ____ closer to seeing her again. I want to keep it positive as best I can after the 16th...my last un-experianced moment regarding her in calender terms.

I miss you all so much, hope you know that I've been thinking of you all and have yet to catch up on all I've missed. Hope to update again soon and catch up on all of you. hugs.

Update in June

Today is June 2nd. I've been emotional and without a place to really vent until now. I have a lot on my mind but i'm trying to just roll with what I can control. As I type here, thoughts are spilling out like its falling out my ears or something. I'm thinking about in just a short while it will be a year since TanaLee first left this life. This is what makes my blood boil. I hate that its been that long since Ive held or kissed her.

Okay.....don't let it take you over the edge....

Hubs and I have been coping thus far with a few break downs but we are surviving.

We have spent time together fixing his oral problem that turned out needing a root canal. He actually got that today. Poor guy.

We are in a blur of questions as to the direction our life is going...*wink* :)

So this is my update....sorry so boring but I have a lot to do today. Thanks for stopping by, I hope to catch up on all your updates soon.

BLM Love!

As many of you have been blessed with kindness from another BLM...today was the third time I have been bestowed a wonderful gift. It was from Raquel, Jeremiah's mommy . She makes these butterflies for mommies that feel the grief of a child gone too soon. She does this free of charge and out of the kindness of her heart. Mine came in the mail today. I cannot express the joy I felt as I opened my mailbox to find this. Thank you Raquel! You really are a wonderful mama and a sweet BLM blog friend.

Blogging issues

Hello my followers....

I have recently started having problems with my account with Google...which is how this blog is ran. I have found that for some odd reason I can not comment as "TanaLee Davis" but only as "anonymous said" i'm not sure why. Also I have to use a different internet thingy magig too. I used to use google chrome but now cannot login for my blog so I have to use internet explorer...This all is a real pain in my behind...so in other news...hubs and I are cutting some costs so as to save more and spend less....This means bye-bye internet at home. I will have to blog from my inlaws ect...this means I might not be able to blog as much in a months time...lame I know. But in my experience some times you have to sacrifice alittle to get something back. So I will give up a little of my time spent on blogging....my home of comfort...*Insert sad face here* to get more cash in our home and save for things like a baby in our future.

The one really great view I had this last week....

As for TTC...well that's on hold until further notice due to problems with medical inssurance. Great....right? such a great post, everything you wanted to hear?...no? I will make sure to check in on your comments and blogs as often as I am near a computer with internet which shouldn't be too hard or long in between....but I definately wont be able to post about our journey as often like say ten times in a month kinda thing...don't worry I am not going anywhere.. I will fill the posts I do get out with as much as there is to share. Okay just thought i'd update you all on the changes taking place in about two days. Until I blog again...(Really soon, im sure) continue to update me on your lives and I will try and comment when possible...look out for my name at the bottom though since it wont list me as "TanaLee davis". Hugs and much love,

** Update...Hubs fixed my blogger problems!!! Yay! I can use google chrome & comment normal now!**

Felicia

Learning

Thank you everyone for the nice comments on my post the other day. This has been quite the journey for J and I. I thought the other day that I had a positive but after reviewing examples of positive tests from other mamas I think that my tests were really just saying, "almost".

If you are TTC and want some extra support with either deciding what your test are saying or just info about TTC go to either here or here. Both are great sites that I find very helpful.

So as I was saying....I was looking through my calender and realized that the last five months or so my cycle has been off. I used to have a 28 day cycle but since having TanaLee based on my records, Ms. Flow has gotten quite irregular. I have had in the last five months a cycle last between 27-31 days! Talk about off huh? Primarily my cycle starts more times than not on day 30. But it has been off by a few days give or take. Its no wonder I haven't been successful, I've been testing and baby dancing too early.

So getting back to tying all this together with my title. I am learning to be patient, more alert, turn over every rock, and keep HOPE going. I'm learning that if you just give it all a second look you might realize the mistakes you made and still have time to fix....you can dream and still have it come true...lets just see if our dream becomes a reality...i'll be letting you know when the time is right. If time goes on and still nothing than just assume we are still "not preventing".

Thank you for your support, we will need your continued comments of encouragement as well as support for when we finally have a bun in the oven.

Blah! TTC #4

***As a disclaimer this post is very personal and I would appreciate the utmost respect in your comments regarding this especially. Also For those who wouldn't want to read about TTC news then you should turn away from this particular post. For those who know me...I am not pregnant. This post is about the challenges of TTC and how I'm doing emotionally...a new roller-coaster.***

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As many of you know now, J and I are currently TTC.

I initially thought," No how could I? That would be like replacing TanaLee." Well I beat the forecast that said "tears for forever-non stop." I've gotten to a point in my grief that I don't see TTC as replacing TanaLee. Its not. Hubs and I have always said we wanted more than one child. So now the forecast has slight showers but glimpses of sun from time to time. Or in other words...We hold HOPE.

Well here we are TTC #4 and its grueling. (now I know from a distance how you ladies going through IVF feel.) I felt like it was so easy to get TanaLee but this time around it feels like its taking forever. I thought it would happen with #1 try since I am still "young". Well life has other plans. I've been using ovulation predictor tests like mad and the first three attempts were just confusing. *Ms. flow has been showing up when ever she feels like it, some times more like an appearance. (4-5 days) she then takes off. I hate her, she's throwing my whole body off. * Don't you love how I use term names to speak of something so personal? lol

So anyway... I think I may have gotten a positive OPK test today. I tested at 9am and then again at 2pm. Both sets of test appear to be positives but guess what? hubs is feeling under the weather today and may not be able to help me out in this most dire situation. Poor guy, poor me. If indeed I am about to 'o' then this is just horrible timing on my bodies part. I need my hubby to make this happen. Blah you ovulation and all that leads to my only hope. It seems like when you want it that bad all goes down the drain. Then when your almost avoiding it at all costs and such you get what you least expected.

Anyone else feeling obsessed with this area of life? I've found a torturous friend some know by the name Google. I ask him all my questions about ovulation, tests, ect. But in the end I'm feeling quite overwhelmed and unsure of what my body has decided to do this month. I want to have it happen but I think my stress I load onto myself is making it difficult. Anyone else finding that their need to control a situation as delicate as this, having trouble? Any suggestions? Anybody?

Great in Nephrology department

Yesterday I had a kidney appointment. The whole point of the appointment was to discuss my "pregnancy" & the plan for my kidney appointments now..........

Hold your horses....I'm not pregnant. This appointment was a bit disappointing since the facts are true. Hubs and I have been trying for the last three months and yet here I am Vacant and ready to rent. We did however set out a "plan" for the next three months.

A: We talked about my kidney's and wither or not they effect my ability to get pregnant. (I do understand that my time frame is not abnormal. But I thought it would be easier.) Turns out PKD has no link to causing fertility issues. Perfect! I can cross off a fear.

B: We talked about how I can increase my chances of a positive & about my kidney function currently. I have to continue to test for Mrs. 'O' but it is recommended that I use the more spendy brands...*something to do with more "reliable".* The biggest news is this, I have kidneys that clinically look very sick...but function and feeling of perfectly healthy kidneys. YAHOO! I was also told that my kidneys are in great shape especially for having a baby. *Once pregnant there is an increase in blood overall and straining the kidneys starts to take place. This could be dangerous if my kidneys were not in good shape.*

So overall my appointment went great and my doctors are 100% behind me and J in our goal of adding to our family. That feels really good. I plan to TTC for the next three months....so TTC round four here we come. Hopefully before August, I can give news to Dr. M that I have a growing baby and discuss my kidney care from then on out.

Two years stronger

If anything marriage has taught me a lot of lessons. Some of which I struggle with and others I have mastered. Two years have gone by and a lot has changed but love surrounds Jeremy and I still. I am grateful for that.We started the day fairly early. We woke up and enjoyed a morning of smiles and a quick trip to the store for some groceries. (I know your thinking....what's romantic about this? You people are strange...Don't worry the day gets sweeter.) After we arrived back home from the store I started on a cake....red velvet to be exact. Jeremy made me lunch while I whipped up our desert for later.

Once I poured the cake batter into the pans I realized that the pans I was using were a bit small...I wanted a round cake not rectangle so I used it anyway....that's when all the madness broke out. I was checking on the cakes every 10-20 minutes as the box doesn't give directions for rounds.

(yes I made the cake from a box...don't judge me...red velvet is a cake i'd rather not do too much experimenting with since its my favorite. :) lol )

So as I was saying...the batter started to spill out over the pans and onto the bottom of the oven making a mess. My brilliant husband helped me out by putting some tin foil on the rack below the cakes to catch any batter that fell below...awesome idea! Why didn't I think of that? Long story short, the cakes cooked and I just had to cut off excess cake that shaped funny. Soon after the cakes cooled enough to take out of the pan hubs and I headed off to dinner as it was already 4:30 and it was Mothers day after all so the wait might be long.

My Journey to making Red Velvet Cake through pictures:

*Look below the dinner photo for the finished product.*

Thankfully the wait was only about 15 or 20 minutes (we beat the largest of crowds). We were seated and had a nice quiet and romantic spot in the restaurant. I had Shrimp Primavera and hubs got a classic pepperoni pizza. It was a familiar setting but romantic nonetheless since we don't get out to eat much anymore. I LOVE Italian food so it was twice the treat.

*My dinner above*

When we arrived home we just spent time together watching some tv. I scratched hubs head since this is his favorite thing to wind down...as I just enjoyed having him with me. We both ate some cake that I had made earlier and called it a night. Maybe not a firework night for some but for me it was just what I needed. Time alone with my husband...time to reconnect..talk about our goals and bask in the love we have that brought us together just over two years ago. We are two years going on three now but couldn't be more happy we made it here today.

*The after & before cutting & eating*

Now to switch gears a bit. Yesterday wasn't all smiles.

I did have a melt down. From all the talk about wanting a baby but not having one yet. From everyone I know being pregnant or just newly parents to a first. All of this has been on my mind for three months. Three months of TTC. Yet here J and I are empty handed. I am still vacant of a growing baby. I cried on the way home from the grocery store b/c someone I had never met wished me a happy mothers day. I cried not b/c of the greeting or the holiday...but the thought of me being a mom and yet not feeling like one. Never mind the holiday. The fact that for three months J and I have been TTC without a positive. We got home and I reached for J almost in slow motion and before I could get out the words he grabbed me and I cried in his arms. How awful I feel for him. How hurt I feel that I couldn't have TanaLee full term or to survive the storm that fell on us. The fact that I had no control over the matter. How much I long to see J hold a living healthy baby of his own in our home. To see a tear fall from his eye not of sadness but of joy from a blessing of our child we made. To see a new beginning, a fresh start in continuing our family. A Positive. My dream would be for J and I to have a family together and raise it as we talked about...to hear I love you mommy. To see Jeremy hold our baby, rocking it to sleep. To hear the laughter of my child and J playing in the park.

Two years of heart ache, love, courage, endurance and hope. Forever changed but stronger for the two years together. Thank you Babe. I love you!

*Sorry for the crazy back and forth...pictures interrupting story and all....im a bit scatter brained today.

Happy list # 3

First of all I want to give some credit and some thanks to Ms. Natasha and her blog about Aiden. She is the lovely mama that started this whole look at life and find the positive blog happy thing. Most of us have lost a baby('s) and many of us blog because of the loss. We tend to get gloomy and blog super raw feelings that get us down. Natasha has found a way to get others to think about anything, even if its just one thing that made us happy each week and blog about it for her blog hop. I think its great even if I have only jumped in on this band wagon for the third time. I love that it gets us mom's thinking about what makes us happy and keeping the mood light. So without anymore beating of the bush....THANK YOU NATASHA! You are wonderful mama!

1. My Husband. As of Sunday we will have been married for two years! What a happy thing! In our first year of marriage we weathered a lot. For example, as a young newly married couple we had TanaLee that was born a micro preemie...if you don't know how small that is...its like a barbie but without the length. She was 1lbs 4oz! Within that first 5 months of her life we had to pack up and move out of state with no family support nearby.In that same first year we lost TanaLee. Next month will mark a year since she's been gone. So with just those events alone...I'm happy to be seeing another year with my best friend and closest companion.

2. My niece Genesis. I have spent a lot of time with her lately. She stayed the night for the first time all by herself this last week. It was fun to have her over to play with "doggy" & watch Pooh's Heffalump movie about three times. We ran around and smiled and giggled bunches. We made her mama a video that made her tear up. We enjoyed just being us. Lots of fun and I can't wait to have her over again.

3. Family. Without my family I think my life would really be lost. I know that they will always be there as I will for them. They are the constant in my life. The drive that helps me keep my faith. I have married into a wonderful family that truly takes a huge gap in my heart for the blood family I've lost, and mends it back to bearable. We may step on each other's toes from time to time, but I am truly grateful that they have been here for me. I feel blessed to have them as members of mine.

4. My blog buddies. Your comments have been so nice and comforting. I really think you all are a big reason I can be positive. You have proved to be medicine to my aching soul. You have been here to give me courage to speak about TanaLee and keep her memory alive. You give me reason to keep up on my smiles and give me a sense of normalcy.

5. The sun. It has been fairly decent weather over a few days of this week. We had scattered showers but the sun never failed to show its warmth and give us weather in the 70's.

So that's all folks...all that I can think of this week. Tootles!

Happy list # 2, going on #8

What has made me happy this last week?

1. Well for starters, my nieces talked my husband and I into watching Tangled....It was Amazing! I can be such a sucker for kid movies. lol Sometimes I like them more then films made for adults. Did I mention I cried like a baby? Something about the beginning and end reminded me of TanaLee and our experience with her.
2. My husband. I put this in my last happy list but really, he is my best friend. I love him so much for doing all he can to provide for us, work 9-12 some times more hours a day. All in the name of love for me. He's really something special and I will forever be grateful he's mine. He is so patient with me and I know that can be hard sometimes...especially when I am not.
3. I made yummy cookies yesterday. Chocolate chip/walnut/m&m to be exact!

1. I met a new Blogger Friend! Her Name is Becky...check out her blog: http://beckybaker79.blogspot.com/ This is a very nice BLM who has dealt with similar issues as I did with Pre-eclampsia and loss.
2. I found a ladybug picture that someone took for the "Sticky fingers" theme. *Theme was green but I got something more, more meaning out of this picture. (photography site)

*Please excuse the stupid number thing....I couldn't get it to count right...*