Happy list # 2, going on #8

What has made me happy this last week?

1. Well for starters, my nieces talked my husband and I into watching Tangled....It was Amazing! I can be such a sucker for kid movies. lol Sometimes I like them more then films made for adults. Did I mention I cried like a baby? Something about the beginning and end reminded me of TanaLee and our experience with her.
2. My husband. I put this in my last happy list but really, he is my best friend. I love him so much for doing all he can to provide for us, work 9-12 some times more hours a day. All in the name of love for me. He's really something special and I will forever be grateful he's mine. He is so patient with me and I know that can be hard sometimes...especially when I am not.
3. I made yummy cookies yesterday. Chocolate chip/walnut/m&m to be exact!

1. I met a new Blogger Friend! Her Name is Becky...check out her blog: http://beckybaker79.blogspot.com/ This is a very nice BLM who has dealt with similar issues as I did with Pre-eclampsia and loss.
2. I found a ladybug picture that someone took for the "Sticky fingers" theme. *Theme was green but I got something more, more meaning out of this picture. (photography site)

*Please excuse the stupid number thing....I couldn't get it to count right...*

Beating the odds, a face of hope

I was just reading some comments left on my blog and it left me going uh...duh...

I have shared very little on my whole journey with having TanaLee...although I think I may have blogged a short version...hmm...i'll have to look into that. Anyways many of you who follow me have looked into my "old" posts. Way back in, I believe it was March or April.

I decided after TanaLee died the blog needed a face lift so I made some changes...in doing that I messed up some of those older posts. I'm to lazy to try and fix them so I'm sorry that pictures hide much of the words posted.

So my point is... I have posted my story pretty much from beginning to end (*stuff I'm comfortable sharing*) on the website Faces of loss, Faces of Hope. You can find and read my story there by either putting in my name in the search bar or or there is a second search bar for similar stories and click 25 weeks. My face pops up...first. I posted this story on there forever ago back when I had guts to talk in detail about it all and it was all fresh. I was numb so I took advantage of that to tell my/our story. So anyway, if you have yet to get the 'full' story there is where you can find it.

Thank you all for following me in this journey, I hope you have found encouragement, normalcy, something to laugh at and hope in your future. I hope TanaLee story can teach others the strength of a baby cannot be underestimated because when it looked the worst she made it through. Although she didn't live to be an adult, she beat odds. She won because being born as a 25 weeker is no simple task and 1lbs 4 oz baby at that. She lived to be 7 months and three days old...fighting EVERY obstacle that micro preemies could face. She won the battle. She's the reason I move forward, the reason I am truly humbled and brought to my knees. The reason my tears fall. The reason my arms ache, longing for them to be filled. The reason my faith is stronger. The reason to keep going until she's back in my arms. If you get the chance, share not only my story; but share yours and those you also have come to now in the journey. One day this may help someone...someone afraid to speak up about their loss. TanaLee showed her courage, will you show yours?

Getting us through it all

I have had many ask me how Jeremy and I are getting through the nightmare that fell on us starting on November 13, 2009. For one thing I am always quick to give what some might call the obvious answers.

* Hope & Faith in God's promise of a resurrection.

* Family & Friend support

* Writing out my grief (I.e- TanaLee's journal & this blog)

It hit home for me yet another thing that has helped hubs and I cope. It exists because of the creative minds of Harmonix, Mtv games, EA games. (Yes I do play some video games! :)

RockBand! Yep, While in Seattle especially hubs and I found ourselves very stressed and slightly bored from time to time. We had plenty to worry about but one thing that truly comforted and took us 'away' was the Xbox 360 game RockBand. We both love music and it is a perfect combination of music and family fun.

Since TanaLee passed especially, our family has gotten together multiple times to play this fantastic game. It is something that I never was very good at but still throughly enjoyed. (I still can't go any higher then medium on skill level.. Ha!)

Its funny to me to think of such a thing to help you cope but music is powerful and the family can all join in. Last night we played the game for the first time in a good while and played a song that brought me back to memories of when all the family got together so as to not let anyone be alone to grieve soon after TanaLee passed. *sigh* I'm glad that our family has drawn closer just sad for the biggest reason. We keep our hope alive and faith strong. We hope together in the day we will hug our ladybug again. Until then we will continue to keep putting the "more important things" first, always remembering our baby girl, and playing good music with fake musical instruments!

Rock on with us with RockBand! :)

What my life is about & without

Hello friends & fellow bloggers,

today's blog post isn't so exciting nor is it as happy and cheerful. Though the sunshines brightly outside on this beautiful spring day, I am dark and rainy on the inside today.

There's nothing like waking up to a gorgeous sunny morning. I however woke up alone. Not that this is too unusual due to hubs working a lot and early mornings. But today I felt especially alone. It is said that the weather effects your moods and can even bring on happiness. Today the weather isn't helping me despite its glorious rays of sun and light breeze.

A fellow blogger asked a question I often try to block. No, this is not a post to complain about this question....I do love this fellow blogger....but the question drew up the fat TRUTH of my life. TanaLee would be a year and a half. She would be changing still and giving me something to cherish and love. I sit today a stay at home (at the moment) wife, a mother but no children to chase or play with. A women who feels at any moment her life could come crumbling around her as it has before. I keep myself busy these days cleaning, cooking, occasional crafting, and trying to be a better wife and women to society. With all this, life is so empty.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about how I can better myself. I started to join in on different activities such as a hike up to a waterfall yesterday or watch my niece give a part in a chorus play. Both of these things made me smile.

Reaching the top of the waterfall made me feel accomplished. Yes, the very top...in the picture where the water begins to fall...I hiked to there.

As I stood watching the water steadily fall down hill and crash at the bottom, atop rocks of earth reminded me how powerful creation is a yet in an instant life can change. At the bottom of "life" sits fallen pieces of earth that once sat nestled in the hillside. I stood over looking over it all in wonder and appreciation...I was one of those pieces of earth. I lost part of me just like the hillside. * This might not make sense but it is what I thought about*

(For confidentiality reasons & respect for my sister in law, my niece is not pictured above)

*Just some of the kids that also participated in the show *

I hurried to my seat in the auditorium waiting for the show to begin. There she was nervous and yet so put together in her little outfit matching the rest. A cute little puppy with a fire hat on. I could not have been more excited for the show. She did great. They had practiced this all year. Tonight my niece shined and sparkled above the rest, why? Because she's mine. She a member of my family. I saw her on the stage and focused in on her...she stole the show for me.

When the show ended I thought about how much I would one day love to help ready my child for a performance. How excited I would be to say, "That's my baby!" I yearn to mother. I miss that TanaLee could never grow up to do these things. I know that one day she will be given a chance to grow again...but now is what I miss. She missed out. We missed out.

These events were worth going to, don't get me wrong. Its just the ugly thoughts that pop in my head from time to time that I can't control. I would do any of these things again because I throughly enjoy them. I just have over whelming moments of missing TanaLee and wanting to be apart of the "living" mommy club. The joy that comes from being a parent and watching your child do new things...watching them continue to change. For me TanaLee is the same. In this world she will never be older. She will never have had a voice. She was a baby that was hospitalized from the beginning and that's what she will always be until Jehovah makes "all things new."(Revelation 21: 4,5)

So now my life is about doing household chores/wifely duties and subtracts the mommy part for now. I hope someday soon that will change. I hope someday for a miracle to take place. To give me a chance to fulfill a deep desire to parent and give TanaLee something one day she can appreciate. For my dear husband to father as he had originally wanted. For us to enjoy life to the full. Then on the day of TanaLee's resurrection we will have all life's purposes and God will fill our lives and others too until there is no more want. ( Malachi 3;10)

Toothache Tuesday and lots of Tylenol

So I am not gonna post a picture of my actual mouth since its grotesque and just ugly.

I had oral surgery today in hopes to correct a seemingly easy problem. I already had one surgery to expose and attempt to bring down a tooth that was attached to my bone in my upper jaw. Well that tooth refused to come down on its own with assistance of a wire/button attached. So today my orthodontist decided it was time to cut back into there and yank the thing loose and once again try to bring it down into place. *Yes, as adult I have braces* :/

Thankfully I am not spitting blood every ten minutes, but it still leaves me in pain and wanting ice cream to numb the spot. I am told to keep it easy and just lay down most of the day. Okay easy enough for a couch potato! I can't seem to sit still...my kitchen is yelling at me for the mess from last nights dinner dishes. What to do? I know watch Glee....okay hmmm....blog :)

check...check....

Tylenol has worked for all but an hour and i'm dying for something stronger...problem is my PKD wont allow me to have anything but Tylenol. Yep it sucks but at least this wont last more then a few days....unless the tooth doesn't cooperate. Heck, I'm just rambling about how much this sucks and boring you to death with nonsense.

Warming the Apartment, Cake, and a toddler reminding me of what my instincts are

To catch up on why I have been M.I.A...

First things first-

I am so sorry for not being more present on the blog and yours too. I have been depressed and eating chocolate like there is going to be a sudden stop in production and I need to get my fix. I had to step away from the computer and focus on myself and get back into a mood I like...not sad and teary.

I finally cleaned up and set up the "spare/nursery" bedroom for the party I'm about to talk about. I hope to someday do more with it and make the room warm with love and add touches of both TanaLee and a new baby. Right now its no were near what I want it to look like but at least its there and in a way TanaLee kinda gets her own room until further notice. *sigh*

Notice her picture here-------v

(under it I plan to put a bookshelf dedicated to her with all her things on it ect.)

(Sorry about the over exposure below,the sun came out suddenly)

The blanket laying over the crib rail was made by a volunteer for Ronald McDonald House in Seattle. It is covered in ladybugs and flowers and frogs. I love it...the crib is so bare (due to my- inability to unpack all TanaLee's things.) So I decided to give it something for the picture.

So now that this has been said...moving on.

Our Lovely cake

We had a lovely Housewarming Party thrown by my sister in-law & mother in-law. We had a total of 22 guests and it wasn't all that cramped for room to roam. The living room was full as soon as my husband busted out his gadgets for the TV & computer combo but over all it was fairly roomy with that many over. It was mostly a night for others to visit and see our new nest but there were a few gifts greatly appreciated. Thank you so much! (For those that gifted us, if you read this) We enjoyed a night of good conversation, GREAT food, and a good game of Scum!

After all the guests left we enjoyed a night from my

niece that I have shared on this post...(http://tanaleedavis.blogspot.com/2010/12/first-genesis-came.html) She definitely kept me busy running around and scared me back to "Holy Cow! What the heck is in your mouth!". Let me explain this little *scary* incident. Hubs & I were cleaning our kitchen more fully from the night before when suddenly I caught a glimpse of Genesis in my living room with a small pink capsule and something silver in her mouth. That pink capsule was a laser pointer for Savannah to play with. (Our Dog) Someone was playing with her the night before and left it on the desk right in reach of my little niece....she managed to pop off the back and pull out the small batteries (silver in her mouth) and I freaked and ran over to take it all away from her.

I guess my reaction scared her and she let out screams and tears. I frantically searched her mouth for what I thought was a fourth battery but hubs reminded me that there were only three....thank the almighty! I had caught her in time and removed the danger. I learned yesterday I still have my mama instincts that kick in when it matters most. I also learned I must baby proof my apartment for youngsters like my niece when she comes to visit.

(Savannah & Genesis playing "you hand this to me and I'll drop it again.")

(We straightened her hair for the first time shortly before her bath..cute right?)

*It was on the lowest heat and it was her mom's idea since her hair in naturally curly*

(Genesis is learning to color with crayons & paper)

So all in all I have had a moment to myself to cry, laugh, and have a scare worth panicking over.

Drained

I woke up this morning thinking about what needs to be done this morning and anything I needed hubs to know before he went out the door for work.

(This would be 5am, so not my usual "up" time)

Then just before hubs shut the font door to lock it...my mind went to an old and familiar place.

Back to the Ronald McDonald house we stayed in while in Seattle. The sound of the door was the same. Then my mind jolted back to the smell and feeling that was always present. Then the memory of me on the floor begging the nurse on the other line to tell me that I was just dreaming and that tomorrow I would see TanaLee. The nurse was calm and told me that I wasn't crazy and said that many parents that loose their babies call to "check" on their babies because of habit or just to feel that "normal" sensation to calm their minds. I must have been on the phone for an hour with her...I cried myself to sleep that night...wanting it all just to be a terrible nightmare.

My mind than went back to earlier that day....when doctors paged me to come in and see my daughter....then later when my life was halted by the words, "she not going to make it". The terror and disbelief that washed over me....I had hoped for so long....did everything....why couldn't there be something more they could do for her? Then the screams that I didn't realize were mine in the hallway of the Nicu. Scenes I play over and over in my mind...I can't erase them.

Tears that stain my cheek as these memories are typed out. I feel at times they might as well be a permanent fixture on my face....a stain that no matter how much you scrub or soak it still it remains. I talk a lot about my good days...today is a off day...a day that I don't care about the tears that either run or just sit comfortably in the rim of my eye lids...I am emotional and I'm not gonna say sorry for it today. I miss my daughter and long for her toes and cheeks to kiss. To read silly books to and see bright eyes staring back at me. I miss my life as a "mother".

Such a feeling...

Love makes your soul crawl out from its hiding place.

{Zora Neale Hurston}

Today was a day of clouds that shouted back to the forecast of this week and said, "Ha, eat this weather man!"

I wasn't in a particularly sad mood with the exception of my earlier post. But boy to check my mail box and get this lovely memento (pictured below) to remind me not just of my baby girl TanaLee but to remind me of love that still exists out there. As the quote says above love made my soul crawl out from its hiding place and see what it feels like to be loved without expectations.

This one today came from a dear fellow BLM by the name of Jamie Exposito. You can refer to her blog @ http://my-narrow-path.blogspot.com there she writes her daily struggle with grief and trying to find the beauty in this journey. She started to make little blankets similar to the one she received after her loss. If you would like to have her make you one please visit her blog for more information and be sure to follow her journey with her ex-preemie son and loss of her sweet daughter. This made my day Jennie! Thank you!!!! Like I say, love is strong and can strike a cord with you if you only allow it to touch your heart.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

On another note:

I get wonderful comments from all who take moments out of there schedules to tell me they are thinking of me or just tell me that they can relate. Those are treasures that will stay with me forever. Thank you all so much for what you can do. I realize that not all including myself can give physical gifts to all the BLM's out there....many that I follow. But know that I read EVERY comment and appreciate every single one. I don't always have the energy to respond to your blogs and or comments but know I LOVE them. I fully intend to respond some time. :) Thank you everyone.

What do you say?

No one can prepare you for how you will react or feel after you loose your child. You can write the story of what you would do a thousand times but the reality of when it does hit you, you likely would have never imagined the reaction before or after the loss you give to the world.

For me it was my first child. It honestly doesn't matter though any number 2 or even 5th child would be hard.

Over the last 9 months, 3 weeks, and one day I have pondered how "I should act" and how I do act after loosing my first born. The truth is, there is no wrong or right way to act. It is different for everyone. Some take their whole lives to grieve, others a matter of months. The love for the lost is the same but the outlook and personality are different. Thus the process can take you in different directions, swinging you into a loop of depression or out to a brighter horizon...it can even pull you in two directions at once...there is no right way to grieve.

I have to come to grips with this fact. I tell myself that this is true but sometimes I go with the flow of what the "world" views as enough and are you finished? I am not saying that I am through grieving, i'm not sure I will ever be fully. I am in a place that slowly I can enjoy my life and see that "brighter day" on the horizon. With saying that, I am STILL sensitive to certain things.

*ACTIONS

*COMMENTS (verbal)

What do you say to a person, (who knows you've lost your baby) disregards all things and says,

"Oh my goodness, so and so is pregnant!" or "Did you get the text message with so and so's new baby picture from the hospital?" or "Your not pregnant, what's it to you?"

What do you say?

{These pictures were taken 10 days before TanaLee was born.}

{7 days before I was hospitalized.}

{So small but a fighter that wouldn't give up}.

{All because she loved her mommy and daddy.}

Is it okay that I just stare blankly and later when no one is around silent tears fall down? Is it fare that I can't look at the pregnant world without feeling so empty and want what they have. Is it even right for me to be sensitive to new babies that enter this world?

I am sensitive of these things. I can't explain it much except for the fact that my daughter no longer lives. I didn't get the giant belly and sore back like so many complain about. I never felt the excitement from a baby shower. These things I am sensitive to.

I never in a million years would have thought the death of my child would take place nor did I ever think the impact and toll it would have on my emotions making them so strong. That was then, this is now.

I have lost my daughter and I miss her with every breath to my lungs. My arms ache to feel her in them.

I keep my emotions in check for the most part. I am working on not being so disgusted with the cheap plate that was handed to me in life. I am working on being comfortable with the sweet and delicate lives that have recently come into the world. I am working on getting the courage to hold these little bundles and not feel like my heart is about to explode and my blood pressure is through the roof. I am working on taking each moment of this life I have and using it to help others. I am working on creating the better me, giving back to the husband I love and not making him feel like the women he married was shipped off to some SiFi movie crap. I am working on being a mother to a child I lost and being happy to continue our family soon even though fear and stress can consume me at times.

So tell me, what do you say when you feel like I do?

*Keep in mind that this post was NOT directed to anyone who may read this blog, this is just simply my feelings out loud....not about any of you, family or not.*