Once upon a time

There was a sad women hoping for a rainbow. She was crushed to hear that Genetics still doesn't have there act together and she would have to continue to be patient. This would mean no rainbow not for a while...a long while.

She felt much like this poor puppy named Savannah who was mercilessly hissed at for just trying to enjoy her day. The days plans were to go and visit a friend who was hospitalized in the same hospital her daughter was once born in many moons ago. This brought on a sadness that no human should bare. A disparateness that lay deep in her heart to once again feel her babies touch. Her head hung low for much of the day but she kept it hidden to the bustling world around her. Almost like a secret that should be kept. No one should know...but ahhh now you are privileged hear such pain. Yes this women was in deep pain.

Then suddenly she was whisked to the place she feared most for today. As she approached the entrance her heart pumped a little faster and her palms began to perspire. The smell of the freshly cleaned floors enveloped her senses. Bring back a flurry of emotions and memories. As she walked along the empty halls with her endearing husband she began to feel isolated and thrown out from the hospital grounds because her little one no longer resided there. A familiar stop was made along the way for a relative but she had to control her irresistible need to cry in that moment. Her feet began to quicken as if to take flight. Finally the elevators were within reach. She now had to make it to the food court so that she could try to piece back together her scattered thoughts.

Words flying and games scrambling her unorganized thoughts and actions.

She fought back the tears and the need to leave abruptly. She did succeed and victory was in her hands.

Time flew and before she knew it the time had come to leave and retire to her home.

She was excited to visit her friend but sad to be there yet sad to leave because for a brief moment she felt okay. Yes emotions climbed there way to a all time high but she suppressed them gracefully. The drive was over but her inner thoughts soon took over. She types away now because she feels like there is no way out of this pain at the moment.

No where to turn besides prayer and a blog to release throbbing pain resting deep within her soul cutting like knives with out a direction.

(Great story right? Well it was about my day and I felt scrambled so to make it sound less annoying I thought I'd write it in story form.)

So what do you think? Was this your day too? Feeling lousy and empty handed?

Sometimes I think its difficult to swallow what life decides to hand you on a cheap plastic platter. Well I guess if I can't eat todays serving then I will drink the tears instead.

Like they say, "When life gives you lemons, cry about it then smash them in a juicer." Lol

Savannah's First SNOW!!!- Part 1

Did you know its Cold outside mom?

hmm..this stuff seems nice

Put your sniffers on...no time for games guys!

Tonight the weather proved the true to the prediction...It started to snow a little bit.

Of course I had to let Savannah out once we had a bit covering the ground to investigate the strange white flakes. She spent time doing her business but afterward its was all about shivering but she had to check out what felt so cold beneath her paws. She licked the grass to taste it and she sniffed the air to smell it...I was so cold I had to shoot a few pictures and come back in. Here is her first taste of her first winter...more to come...when the real blizzard begins. Stay tunned....

Totally in a fog

Today I was sitting in the Kingdom Hall and I couldn't help but think about babies since one was sitting behind me. Earlier this morning Jeremy brought out a coat for me to wear since it was cold. That coat is much to big for me and he asked me why I keep it. The only thing I could think is maybe one day that coat will fit when I'm happily pregnant and round. This is sad to me because I really want to experience things like a real pregnant belly and waddling when I walk ect..lol I regret fearing stretch marks when I was pregnant with TanaLee. Now I'd do anything just to have um..Seems funny because most women hate that stuff. Now I just want it. I want the WHOLE package...everything at least the healthy stuff.

I also got to thinking about when that time comes...me having a second child. What a baby shower would be like..will I be happy? Would I be sad only wishing I was still with TanaLee. I thought about if and when that time comes making a special t-shirt to honor both the new baby and my sweet TanaLee.

This just kills me to think about this because I will never have TanaLee to share with her the joys of being a big sister. I used to always think about getting her a shirt that says "I'm a big Sister." *sigh*

Okay another thought was that TanaLee was "our sunshine". We would sing to her that song, you are my sunshine. The storm happened and she fell asleep in death and if Jeremy and I have more children those babies would be my rainbows. What a sad but happy thing...I get a rainbow a remind me of the love we have for TanaLee but also sadness because we won't have her now.

*Sigh* Okay...anybody now what I'm feeling?

(oh tomorrow I should have results from genetics concerning my kidneys. Closer to finding out what happened to our ladybug and if it can be prevented for future babies.)

ATTENTION Followers...

I am about to have a beautiful blog makeover. With this blog makeover I will also be changing my blog title to- "Graced by a Ladybug" This will also change the Url address too (it should be something like-(gracedbyaladybug.blogspot.com) . I will post more info as it comes. Keep following...more to come

Foot prints left on my heart

(My little girl so tiny but strong)

(All Ready to go to the Nicu)

Today Jeremy and I went to OHSU were TanaLee was born. I was shaking uncontrollably as we neared the entrance because it had been eight months the last time I walked through those doors.

The last time was with TanaLee close by but breathing. The last time I was scared but hopeful. This time I was scared and grief stricken. We walked into the Nicu and there was the first familiar face- Malissa the charge nurse/ Receptionist. She invited us into the Nicu to talk and see other faces we hadn't seen in a while. (This meant the world to me.)

Next was a moment I found hard to bare, I saw our dear nurse Megan who worked with TanaLee for over four months of her life. She burst into tears and embraced me into her arms. I was sobbing like a teenager. We saw a longtime doctor that worked with TanaLee as well as a few other nurses. I was sad that we didn't get to see more people but the hospital Nicu had low census. They didn't have many babies right now either.

We shared some pictures with everyone and explained what we wanted done with the blankets.

( Give each baby a blanket on isolete or at bedside and to give larger blankets to sicker babies.) We also talked about TanaLee's final days. That part was hard, we all cried whenI talked about that.

So tonight my heart hangs heavier with sorrow but hopefully tomorrow I can pick up my broken heart and try to function. Please leave a comment if you read this, I need encouragement. Thank you.

First year

November 13, 2009- The day TanaLee was born. Today marks the first year....Today marks the first anniversary...without her. She lived for 7 months and 3 days, longer then even I imagined because as you see in the photo she was a micro preemie. Only 1 lbs 4oz, She proved to be a rock even in her tiny body. So fragile but so strong...Doctors told me that had an adult went through all that she had gone through in seven months they wouldn't have lasted a fraction of what she did. I'm taken by awe in her beauty and captured by grief of her loss.

When those tiny fingers curl

so sweetly around your own,

You'll feel some of the deepest joy

that you've ever known

Because it doesn't take so long

to understand how much

your life can be transformed

by a baby girls touch

-author unknown

This is one of many posts I will make today to jot down what I will feel today. What do I call myself? How did this happen? For what happened, was in the moment and felt so long. Always another hill to the roller coaster to a baby that should have been born full term. This wasn't supposed to happen...why? It is so agonizing to feel empty now. I wish things could have been different. I wanted this day to be happy, she made it passed all preemie issues...right? Isn't that what I should be saying?

No, my baby was strong she lived longer then expected...but she is still gone. The emptiness in my heart is still there and my hope and faith still alive. One day I hope to reunite with my little ladybug. One day....

In the Arms of Hope

(My helpers)

(Working hard)

(finished product)

Today I started to make the blankets I wanted to make to donate to OHSU Nicu were Tanalee was born. They turned out so cute and I was able to get a great deal on the fabric, thanks to JoAnn fabrics! They were so helpful and I'm sure that I wouldn't have been able to afford to make all 40 without them. To make the blankets extra special I decided to fold them and attach a bow along with a short story of Tanalee's life and why we wanted to donate them. Here's what it said:

In the Arms Of Hope

TanaLee was born three and a half months premature

Weighing 1lbs 4 oz.

At barely a foot in length, we new she'd have a long road ahead.

She proved to be strong as we stood close by with many ups and downs;

Several surgeries, and many tears-some of relief, some of concern, and many of hope.

Hope is what got us by each day. Hope is what will continue to help us get through each day, week, and year that passes without her in our arms.

Our new hope is that with our loss we can help others to better understand that babies defy odds every day even when it looks grim.

Our family has grown stronger together and we want to pass on hope that we received during her stay at OHSU.

May this little token of our love bring a piece of hope to your lives as your baby fights for theirs.

In honor of TanaLee's fight we give this to you.

With love and hope for your baby- Davis family

I still can't believe that I'm almost done and I had 40 to make! What a goal to achieve! Now the hard part is taking them to the hospital and facing the reality of not having TanaLee with us like we always talked about. I find comfort in knowing that TanaLee's life will continue to touch others and we can give a little hope in a place no parent wants to be.

Non-stop would be the word

Baking cookies!

Playing with blocks!

Today was a day for my nieces to enjoy time with Jeremy and I. It was crazy to have a three year old and a six year old being responsible to help me pour flour and eyes into a mixing bowl. I tried really hard not to get overly anxious about the mess that made its way throughout the kitchen and dinning room. I also made a delicious tortellini and alfredo dinner! I spent all day doing kid things, this was bittersweet fun for me.

Tanalee being gone has a weird effect on me. Some days things arn't so hard like playing with playdough today. I thought doing something like this would make me sad but oddly enough today I was fine. Other times I think reading to a small child makes me sad because I know they will never be TanaLee. Even though I'm happy to do these things for my nieces but the pain is still there.

Random...okay so I was asked to share photo's from my wedding...here you go, enjoy.

Just dawned on me...

It just hit me that those of you who follow my blog may have never heard the story of when TanaLee fell asleep in death. This is a sad story so those of you who would rather not cry...I caution you to move to another blog post for now.

June 16, 2010 TanaLee turned 7 months and 3 days old. She fought long and hard but unfortunately she couldn't fight anymore and the liver transplant didn't come. She passed away around 11:30am due to liver failure and other yet to be seen causes.

TanaLee started to have some signs of discomfort and by the doctors decided to look more closely they found that her Co2 levels were above 100 and she had high levels of acid in her blood. Despite the doctors efforts to change the vent settings to bring down the Co2 and make her less acidotic. She couldn't regain her strength. They wrote it up that she might have had an infection so they changed her antibiotics a bit but still she was struggling. Soon TanaLee began to bleed from every outlet except her eyes and ears. It was like seeing a horrific crime. Doctors struggled to keep up with the blood loss and eventually realized by the end of the first night of blood loss that she was in complete liver failure and she couldn't come back. She made it to some where around 10am when I realized that she was just suffering and we were just prolonging her death. I had to make the most difficult decision, take her off the vent and let her go peacefully. She had the choice of bleeding to death slowly or going off the vent and allowing her lungs to just rest and her life to end quicker. It broke my heart and made me feel awful but I couldn't let her suffer another minute. I feel that she was comfortable and happy with all of her family around her. She died shortly after removing vent support. I miss her every second.

That is the short story of what happened. If you want to know about her birth to days up to when I first started blogging you'll have to let me know. I just copied and pasted this blog together...its too hard to write out her final two days again. Her birth/ life story is crazy but its easier for me to talk about.

(This was our last family photo)

Confused identity

(Kibbles the cat that thinks he's one of the dogs)

Today was a horrid beginning but thanks to a sunny day, a walk with Jeremy, and this cat things have turned around. I woke up feeling leftover sadness from last night. In fact today was one of those mornings were your grief is so loaded that you only have strength to bring the covers over your head just to cry yourself back to sleep. But I resisted the urge and got up to take a shower hoping to shake the grief from my face and ultimately my day.

It was a rocky start seeing that I still have had no good outcomes to job searching that I've been doing. I cried a bit this morning but once I got that over with I went on a walk with my puppy Savannah, Zoey ( mother-in-laws dog), Jeremy. When we got back we decided to treat the dogs to a snack. Kibbles our old and fluffy cat decided to join in on the snacking. funny thing because he trying act like the dogs because he wanted a treat too!

Happy Wednesday for being sunny!