One fine day and tears out of no where

I haven't blogged in a while. Feels like forever really. I just spent a good hour catching up on all your blogs. I think I needed a break. I feel at times that I give myself into this blog and not enough energy into my husband. Sometimes I'm so focused on my grief that I forget that he too is hurting.

We spent some time this weekend really focusing on each other and what we needed. We got in some date dinners and a little exercise too. It felt good. Good to be with someone I love. It was nice to take time off being in this 'new normal' and just thinking about what goals hubs and I have.

I did however run into things that made me sad. Truth is...although I want a rainbow, I still get hurt with news of pregnancy and those with new babies. I paint on a smile with others watching but smack it off my face as soon as i'm alone. I don't want others thinking i'm not happy for them. I am happy for them...it's just that I am empty handed...I should have an 15 month old.

It's awful. I can't be 100% excited about others new babies and soon to be moms. I normally love to hear about such great news and ooh and awing over the bundle but now I shrink back and try to blend into the wall.

I hope that one day very soon it will be easier as they say. I hope that one day I can approach an expecting mother and talk about how fun it will all be. Don't get me wrong I AM happy for those who have lost a baby and get their rainbow...its the people who have not experienced loss, its the innocence, naive bliss, what was stolen from me that makes me sad. All I can do is HOPE even more.

Moving plans are still in the balance. We have yet to get boxes but hopefully by mid week we can get the ball rolling on the packing that must be done. I can't wait to get it all going. I think getting a fresh place will bring on a happier me. Maybe bring out part of the old me that was once me. I miss that me.

Really...why now?

Today I woke up to a knock on my bedroom door and hubs leaping from bed. It was 10 minutes to 4 am. Lights jolting me from slumbering sleep and a chaotic rush whirling around me. (This hasn't happened since June) It was my mother-in-law at the door, Jeremy was late. His alarm didn't go off and he was supposed to be just arriving to work. Then I looked outside. SNOW, just like the weather man reported...sorta.

Last night we got report on the local news that snow was headed our way. They have been wrong so many times so why believe them now. Well Jeremy and S. (Aka- Father-in-law) were out frantically scrapping snow and ice from the car. He made it! Late, but he made it to work safe. *Sigh of relief inserted here for lots of reasons*

So why on earth now? why does it snow a little..get warm and start sprouting flowers and suns rays warming my back and then POW the blanket of flakes that should have dropped here months ago just arrive from the blue. Nature!? I'm partial to warmer weather and because the weather got increasingly better I got over wanting to make snow men. lol

This time of year is already difficult because it's a reminder of the life that started and as months go by will turn into a reminder of what was lost. I always dreamed of making fun snow igloo's and snow men with my child and husband. This year when I should be looking out at snow gently falling and telling my one year old how great Jehovah is for the seasons. Instead i'm only imagining what that might look like or even feel like. I miss TanaLee so much and with everyday I feel farther from her memory and who she was. I hate that word..was like as in past tense...I wanna say is.

Well on a good yet random note we have been excepted at the place we want to move. I'm not gonna say were for security reasons but I will take pictures and post them when the time is right. Let's just say the place is so nice, is in a great area, convenient. Plus I get to get new things to decorate with...like I said a few posts ago...out with the drab and in with the fab! lol I'm excited for hubs and I to have our own space again and start over in a sense.

Enough of my rambling...thanks for stop'n by.

~Felicia

Rain...rain go away...please give me a rainbow

Just when your up...you fall down.

I have not been as successful in my weight loss idea...thankfully I haven't gained anything.

Part of it might be because I haven't been to the gym in a long while and the other part might be because I might be loosing a bit of my drive...I'm still waiting on trying to see one last doctor.

I'm hoping I can see this doctor soon so that I can get back with the program. The weather today is yuck and I have a touch of depression since tomorrow will be a year ago that I first held TanaLee.

As I have said before, this memory is one of deep joy but it's bitter since she is no longer here to hold. It's been eight months since I last held her. How I wish I could hold her one more time making it just a bit longer. I know that if that were to happen I'd only be wishing for more time.

Once again I've got a lot on my mind but have no words to say what I feel. Over and over in my head the feelings and words twirl in my mind but nothing comes close to what I feel.

New found optimism

I'm not gonna sit here and say that everything is peachy but after a morning like I just had it pretty awesome.

Hubs and I decided to check out two of the apartments that I found online. We decided that we really like one in particular. I was dreaming to the moon because of the 2nd room we would have and how for the first time I would be able to decorate and design a nursery. I was smitten over the idea...not that a baby is a guarantee but its nice to smile out of pure hope for our soon-to-be future.

We then went to IKEA afterward and boy...I couldn't just walk out with one thing! Ha! Who really does?

We got a new dresser for hubs, since his was discovered broken (drawer) this morning. We both have been wanting a matching set anyway so we figured today we could start with one since we had the money. It's a nice Black/Brown tall dresser. I love it for the modern and simple look as well as convenience it leaves in space.

It's funny that I can walk through IKEA and just dream away about what our place (if we get it) would become in just months time. I'm all googly eyed at all the possibilities. We even went ahead and got a down comforter to change the color for our room. It will be plumb purple and sage green with touches of white and the black/brown furniture! Oh how excited I am. Tired of the old so in with the new. New year , new place, new job and new hope. HOPE is what I breathe in these days, hope is what I'm aiming my arrows at. I think for now I AM optimistic.

*Small miracles blog hop- join in on the fun and go to smallbirdstudio.blogspot.com*

Who needs boxes?

It's once again about time to move.

Hubs and I have been living with his parents since TanaLee passed away. We are just about ready to move so today I am on the hunt to find decent affordable places for us to possibly move to.

It's a lot harder than I thought it would be seeing that rent costs have gone up and we now have our little savannah pup. We have lots of things to keep in mind when looking for a place. Blah! The problem is that with new things in our lives like a dog we now have to search for a place that is okay with that...plus we need two rooms instead of one...since we will be trying for a rainbow some time after we move. I guess I just gotta keep looking. I just hate this part and the moving itself..after that I'm cool as a cucumber. Ha!

Keepin ya informed...til next blog

Stressed

I'm feeling so stressed. I so want for hubs and I to get our own place again...I so want a rainbow like now...I want better health coverage....I just want things to go my way for once. It feels like more pressure then I had expected and I'm starting to feel like a tea pot about to explode into a boiling mess. Why do things feel so hard...everything is so hard now that my daughters gone. EVERYTHING.

I feel-

Hopeless. Defeated. empty.

I need a good pick-me-up...I need to be able to hope and things actually fall into place.

Anxiety.

I just pray for things to work out-please

What am I getting myself into?

Today hubs and I have decided that in next couple months we are doing what I have wanted but dreaded since June.

MOVE...yep... out on our own. (We have been living with the in-laws for a long while..for lots of reasons. One being TanaLee being born.)(bout time, right?)

This scares me for a few reasons. Number one, hubs is our sole income. That is nice but I'm worried for the unknown. I would get a job but I intend to try for a rainbow this year and working just isn't going to work while I'm pregnant. (I am now High Risk)

Two- I get closer to having my dream of trying for a rainbow. We have avoided trying for another because we wanted to respect the in-laws space and give enough time for hubs and I to grieve enough and be comfortable with the idea of a second child and what it might bring.

Moving just isn't my favorite thing. I have a lot of excitement and a lot of nerves all wrapped up into one. So anyway...this is what I call a late night post...not so interesting but bare with me.

So we are moving hopefully soon. Next month. April. Maybe.

We are trying to get ourselves saved up and shaped up for independence once again.

My next post should be more interesting. Sorry for this lame post.

I will say lastly that I for some odd reason gained a pound! I know crazy...I do know however that when you start out working out and eating right things don't go right-right off the bat. Hopefully I'll update with better news next time.

Time ticking away slowly

Today I have a lot on my mind. Today I'm not sure I have the words to say what I feel.

Yesterday I noticed on my calendar that I am inching closer to the day that one year ago I first held TanaLee. I know this day will come but I dread the way it will make me feel. I already feel anxious over seeing the words on my calender. I get flash-backs of that day all the time. The way it made me feel to have my baby still in the hospital after three long months of torture, and still not even close to being home. I felt and still feel robbed. The fact that I didn't get to hold her first thing after her delivery via c-section...not hearing her cry.

I remember walking into the Nicu that day and seeing a crib out in the hallway and just telling hubs in a joking but serious kinda way..."wouldn't it be funny if that crib was for TanaLee?" After signing in at the front desk we approached TanaLee's isolation room (she had been infected with MRSA so even though she recovered, she was placed on isolation to be safe...personally I liked us having a private room instead of a pod area.) We dressed in the famous yellow paper gowns and slipped into the room. Nurse M. was on shift again and she told me the updates- and then spilled the words, "TanaLee is going to be moved to a crib today." My mouth dropped to the floor. I was told when the day comes to move her to a crib, someone must hold her while the nurses shift things in and out of the room and into place. I was told, "you can hold her." When I asked nurse M if I could hold her while they moved in the crib she sadly replied, I actually have an RT coming in to do that. Again I was in shock but added the disappointment of those words. I backed out of the room to allow the nurses and RT do their job as I stood watching from the door. Suddenly just as they were about to lift TanaLee from her bed so as to start the real part of the process, the RT turned to me and nurse M said, would you like to hold her? Tears fell like a landslide. I went from heart broken to go another day without holding my sweet little girl to shaking from excitement. Ladies this was one of the BEST days of my life, the day I had been waiting for since my childhood. I grabbed a chair and placed it as close to the ventilator as possible and the RT hand me my daughter for the first time. OVERWHELMED with a joy I never knew. That day was the 23rd of February and soon it will be a year since that day was last visited.

I look back with mixed emotions, mostly of sorrow because this year on the 23rd I will not be holding TanaLee.

Oh and did I mention that time seems to go so slowly now? It all seemed so fast yet slow when Tanalee was alive. Slow moving to get her healthy enough for home (or so I thought) and fast because in a blink of an eye she is no longer with us, only in our memory and hearts. I want to get on with things in my life but time just won't go with my minds pace. I have much that I want to accomplish this year but everything seems to be a waiting game.

Let's look at the bright side shall we, wait is there a bright side?

Well I guess I can be happy that most things are falling into place for hubs and I to hopefully move out ( currently living with the in laws due to TanaLee's early arrival and financial burdens that dropped on us.) and hopefully add a sibling for TanaLee. I have a dog that decided to rip open a box of toothpaste and chew it to bits...thankfully she didn't puncture too many holes in the toothpaste tube before I found her with it and threw it away. There that's the bright side.

Just so everyone knows....Hubs and I saw two rainbows (actual) within feet of each other that seemed to follow our car as we drove down the highway. I mean we could see the other side of the rainbow...if it was in front of a bush, we saw that bush with the rainbow transparently standing in front of it. Crazy and hard to explain exactly what we saw but it was beautiful. Rainbows have taken on a whole new meaning since June of 2010. I can only hope to try for a baby rainbow in my future.

Baby food...or so I thought...

I once thought squash was baby food. I have never been brave enough to try it since babies are usually associated with eating it...that is until recently.

I went over to a friends house for dinner a few weeks ago and it was non-other then butternut squash soup. I was very nervous due to not being a huge squash eating fool since the age of 2 or something. I reluctantly walked into the familiar kitchen to seat myself for this meal. Oh and it didn't just smell like baby food it looked like baby food-the taste was surprisingly good. At any rate I thoroughly enjoyed the meal with hubs and this generous couple.

Tonight I decided to make it! It was actually really inexpensive and easy/quick to put together...watch out the skin is tough to peel off the squash though. Unfortunately I do not have a photo of my personal meal...thought of the camera too late. But here is the recipe -

What you need:

• 1 (2-3 pound) Butternut squash
• 2 tablespoons of un-salted butter
• 1 medium onion (chopped)
• 6 cups vegetable broth (I use 1 & half Wolfgang puck all natural stock 32 oz)
• Nutmeg (to taste- I sprinkle a layer over the top of the soup but no more)
• Black pepper

Directions:

1. Peel your squash and cut in half to remove seeds
2. Cut your squash into 1 inch square chunks (set aside)
3. Melt butter in your pot and add chopped onion to saute until translucent (8 min)
4. Add squash & stock to your onions. Simmer until squash is become tender (15-20 min)
5. Remove squash from onion & stock with a slotted spoon and place into blender to puree
6. Return blended squash to stock & onion pot, stir in pepper and nutmeg
7. Enjoy

This is a great healthy meal that is very filling- something your family will enjoy not just babies. I like to add as sides a nice salad and French bread with olive oil, fresh black pepper and parmesan cheese sprinkled on top. (I broil the bread to make it crispy on edges)

If you try it, let me know how it went. I'd love to see what you thought.

Health, Health, come and get your health!

Today was a great day when it comes to my health-o-meter.

I got on track with my "diet" after a spill over in laps last night. I went to the meeting and bam...last song played killed me...I cried like a baby! I had to get out to my car a.s.a.p!

Here is the lyrics -

Title: Children are a trust from God

(psalms 127:3-5)

When a man becomes a father and a women has a child of her own, they share a trust, they must remember, That is not theirs a-lone.

The gift they share is from Jehovah. Of life and love he is the true source. To parents he gives sure direction that they may follow the wisest course.

A sacred trust you have been given. A precious life is in your hands. You can be-stow the greatest favor; Instruct your child in God's commands.

(there are more lyrics but I don't want to write them all out. You can listen to it or download a free copy @ www.watchtower.org)

This is such as precious song, one that normally without my loss of TanaLee I would have favored to sing. Singing praises to Jehovah is part of my worship to him but with songs like these I often fail to deliver a strong voice. I fall into deep sorrow and tears come out like the flood of Noah's day. I just can't seem to pull myself together on these types of songs because they bring back so many memories for me. This song reminds me of how I tried while we were up in Seattle to read My Book of Bible Stories to her daily. I remember trying to read to her all I could so that she would know God's name is Jehovah and and so that she knows all she could about the bible. When she got really sick the day before she died and the doctors told me that she wouldn't make it through the night; I skipped to the end of the book and read to her the story of the future paradise. This killed me to read to my child about the paradise knowing that I would not see here until then. All I could do those last days of her life was tell her about the wonderful plan that Jehovah had in store for her and all others that have passed away. This song made me think about how much I missed out on TanaLee's life now. How much I would give to hold her and watch her grow up. I can only hope that when the day arrives and she is in the beautiful paradise, she will remember the love and time I spent with her. Remember the story book that I read to her and see that she is in the paradise just like the bible promised. Ahhh...

So back to my dieting- after that meeting I went to get a burger! What?! YES I just broke down and had to get me something to feel good...even if it was temporary.

Today I did good. I made a chicken salad for dinner and worked out for almost 30 minutes. Next time I hope for more time in the gym but I am glad I at least made the effort. I am also pleased to let you know that my Echo/EKG came back normal, so did my MRI. I am thrilled to know that at least for now I am on track with getting my rainbow- as long as my health stays in tact and I continue to eat right with plenty of exercise. TAKE A BREATHE....long run-on sentence! I'll update you with any more weight loss news as it comes. I think one weight check weekly would be okay right?

Hubs has to go to bed and I'm tiered now...til I blog again.

Surprise!!!! - Day 1

(*Remember this? scroll down to see my new look*)

Let me start off by telling you that today was a great day! Let me also say, don't let the sunshine fool you, it was freezing out today.

(look who was waiting for me to finish pictures outside)

Goal: Go get a haircut! You look ridicules! DONE

This was a joke to say, look at my new hairdo...and really only show you the back..

ha! funny..you just had to be there.

This new look forced me to travel back to June and re-live some awful memories to share with my hair lady. She has not seen me since before I was pregnant over a year ago. She wanted to catch up and needless to say I had to hold back the tears when talking about what happened. I finished feeling good, a little glassy eyed but fine.

Goal: Get your butt in the gym, it's nearly touching the floor! DONE

Okay as you can see this is what I worked on today. I started the day with a bowl of cheerios to help keep my heart healthy. Then went to get my new hairdo. Then went to the gym to workout for 45 minutes. (that was a blast! love my new gym...was at LA Fitness for a while) I should be honest and say the gym makes me sound like I have a lung condition and it kicked my rear! I'm defiantly gonna feel it tomorrow. The plan is to go and have a butt kick'n time again tomorrow. Hope I have the same upbeat thoughts tomorrow when muscles I forgot I had start to ache. I ate a balanced meal of chicken (no salt just herb seasoning) broccoli and half a thin bagel. I feel great for accomplishing day one.

What do you think of the new hair????

I love it! I'ts not too much different but I cut three inches off and layered and added bangs! Yay!!! It's a fresh hairdo for a fresh year. I hope I didn't build you all up for some super big surprise like I'm prego or something...cause I am NOT. lol (I'll be sure to let you know when I am) I just wanted to surprise you all with my new look and tell you about my new exercise program. I think I'll update you with how its all going weekly.