Ladybug out in October?

Yesterday night my husband came home from work very quiet. Jeremy is naturally a soft spoken and quiet person but I saw something different in his face.

He had been crying.

We sat down and I asked him what was wrong. He expressed his deep grief that he had been feeling and how he missed his baby girl Tanalee. He also said something that I felt was note worthy and bloggable.

He works out side at night and out of the blue a ladybug landed on his arm during work. He was in utter shock because here we are in near winter and a ladybug lands on his arm. It would be soo normal to see a moth flying around and perhaps land itself on a person. A LADYBUG landed on him!!!! Does that shock you? It shocked me.

Okay so if it wasn't already obvious we nicknamed Tanalee Ladybug because she was beautiful, cute, sweet, and simply perfect with a small beginning. The name stuck with her, even now. So a Ladybug landing on Jeremy last night was amazing and it brought back so many memories. It tore at his very soul because that was what our daughter stood for.

We both cried thinking back to life with her. How we miss her little feet and beaming eyes looking at us. She was a gift and a miracle. So in short it was a bitter sweet moment for him. He was graced with the presence of a ladybug again but this time it was a bug and not our baby. Just like the brief visit from the ladybug on Jeremy's arm, ladybug our Tanalee was here and then gone too soon.

Here is a poem that I changed to fit TanaLee:

(This poem was originally written about a butterfly)

A Ladybug lights beside us

like a sun beam and for a brief moment,

its glory and beauty belong to our world.

But then it flies on again

and though we wish it could have stayed,

we are so glad that we have seen it.

I'm still here

Sick.

Yep, sums it up I have been sick.

Today I finally got around to making Jeremy sign a document stating that we authorize TanaLee's autopsy report notes to be looked at by Cincinnati's Children's Hospital genetics team. I faxed it over and boy was I out of it. I put in the fax number,then proceeded to call the women I faxed it to. Needless to say there was an error. The phone hung up and I had to start over.

Today I found myself feel much weaker emotionally. I don't know what exactly caused me to feel this way but nevertheless I feel abandoned. I have people around me but still I feel alone. Jeremy tries to encourage me but some times I just can't shake the feeling. I think I'm sad because for a while now I have been looking for answers about my daughters death but haven't really gotten any. For a while now I've been searching for someone local that I can talk to that I'm not related to that can understand my fears, doubts, hopes for the future. For a while now I've been searching for a job but have had no opportunity show its face. I'm just a bit bogged down and feeling useless at the moment. I'm sure I'll pick up my emotions and put them back in my heart but for now

they live all over the place. (i'm such a creepy poet thing.)

Speaking of Poems-Jeremy and I wrote a song/poem for TanaLee before she was born I think now is a good time to share a piece of it.

(it is just a small piece-Its crazy because when we wrote it, we had no idea she would be born get -sick and eventually die.)

I'll Be Here:

Written by- Felicia & Jeremy Davis

When your lost and you need some guidance

Don't be scared take my hand I'll lead you.

When the road is to long and you just can't hold on

I'll be here

(I sang this to her almost every night and as she took her final breaths.)

All over the place

Okay...Sorry about not blogging in a while. I just have nothing to really talk about.

Jeremy and I are still waiting on genetic tests to come back. In the mean time I have been going crazy! I for what ever reason have become obsessed with wanting answers back from genetics because I want to have another baby. We obviously don't know if we can have anymore children safely so I'm going stir crazy waiting for those tests! I know it will probably be at least another year before we can even try to get pregnant and that is hard enough.

With Jeremy in school and trying to keep him focused so that he can get through paramedics I really don't think a baby in the picture or rather me pregnant again would help our situation. I have been searching for work but I'm beginning to think society thinks I'm a basket case and refuses to hire me until I'm "normal".

What defines "normal" anyway? I am living a new normal, but I don't feel that I've changed except that part of my heart and life was torn away from me???...Okay...normal...yes I would consider myself normal for what I can be.

As always I think about my sweet TanaLee. I have been trying to work out that blanket idea but I'm not sure how good of help JoAnn fabrics manager will be for me since I need cotton not fleece. OHSU nicu says they can't except fleece...what? Well I want to donate the blankets so I may have to settle not making all 40 babies a blanket.

Okay I actually want to share scriptures of hope for those of you who read the bible..

1. You say, "I am loaded down."- Jehovah says, "I will refresh you."( Matthew 11:28-30)

2. You say, "I can't go on".-Jehovah says, "I will give you the power beyond what is normal." (2 Corinthians 4:7)

3. You say, "I cry a lot."- Jehovah says, "Your tears are precious and are kept in my skin bottle." (Psalms 56:8)

4. You say, " I feel abandoned."- Jehovah says," I will never forsake you." (Hebrews 13:5)

Yep, that would be what is in my thoughts lately. I have just been waiting, searching, listening, creating, and talking it up with people. By the way if you want to leave comments okay by me, just please don't leave cruel comments about my daughter or myself as a mother. I appreciate hearing about your stories or just meeting people who understand what I'm going through. I love blogs that open the door to worlds not talked about...preemies, infant loss ect. They help me and many others cope and grow stronger for what we lost or gained. Those of you that read mine, THANK YOU!! I hope I give you feelings of sanity and make you laugh in my craziness. I hope I give you hope that even through great trials and sorrow there is hope in the future and bright smiles in the end. TanaLee would want you to know this...I am strong because she was strong...I am strong because of my faith in God's word-(1 peter 5:10)

Catching up and doing good

Time to catch up and release some emotion again.

Starting with today, my husband and I have been talking about going up to the hospital that TanaLee was born in almost a year ago. I can't believe that time has gone as fast as it has! A year...Okay...a year, Tanalee would be a year this November. So back to us talking about visiting the hospital-we both want to give back to the niccu that did everything they could to get our daughter as old as she was when we transferred her to Seattle. TanaLee lived to be 7 months and 3 days old, that in itself is nothing short of a miracle because she was born so tiny..merely 1 lb 4 oz! Jeremy and I decided on making blankets to donate. In the pictures above you can see the little blanket I made. That blanket was a practice and will be given to my dear niece.

My loving husband also got me beautiful pink roses as as surprise gift since I have been so sad lately. He is so awesome for me! I never thought loosing our daughter would prove to make us stronger and more enduring. My sadness may grow but my wonderful husband continues to support me and love me still.

Since TanaLee has been gone, Jeremy and I decided on getting a pup to help us cope. So far that is exactly what we needed. She is lovely and fun. Full of life and energy always wanting to play. We love her so dearly. I never thought I'd own a rat terrier but it has been more than worth it.

Jeremy has been successful in his new job at Metro. He's soooo handsome in uniform right?

TanaLee's crib is absolutely beautiful and exactly what we pictured for her. Looking at this crib breaks my heart because she's never even slept in it. At the same time I can't even think about taking it down. Weird huh? I'm all over the place I swear...This blog alone is proof...lol

White flowers. To me white is pure-free of any imperfection. It is so simple and beautiful that anyone who appreciates creation would agree that it is with one word..breath taking. The flowers you see pictured on this post were from a tree just outside the hospital in Seattle. Many times we would park next to that flowering tree. I wanted to capture its beauty and remember the sweet perfection of what God can do. I wanted to remember that God can even make my fragile baby girl perfect one day. For this I will forever be indebted.

Genetic results and more questions of why?

I got a call today from genetics and found out that Jeremy carries the "Jag one" change that TanaLee had. Part of me was sad to hear this news but a part of me was relieved that we had a answer about what might be past on to our future children. But then came out more, they said that in their most recent findings of this genetic change it appears that it doesn't effect the body but that it is just there. Okay well our question is, why did Tanalee's liver fail? What is a cause? Could it have been prevented? Will this happen again?!

So back to square one, no real answers about what happened to our little girl and no promise of a better outcome for children to come. We are currently waiting on more tests, including a test on my cystic kidney results. So now we just wait, pray, and hope for a better ending to this madness we've been in. It doesn't help when you have family that doesn't support you even though you did everything you could for that child that died. Not to mention when they figure that everything that went wrong is some how your fault. Oh well, I will just have to look past today and focus on our future and my babies to come.

Which by the way, it seems wrong to me to think of having more babies. I mean its almost like people will think I didn't love TanaLee even though we all know I loved her more then anyone else on this planet...well my husbands right up there with her but still. I DO love her, very much. That is why I never missed a day of her life, I sacrificed my comfort, my job and my energy so that she always had the best. She may not have been able to live past 7 months and 3 days but heck I put a lot of everything into getting her there. I loved my ladybug!

Holding TanaLee again

Last night I spent time talking with Jeremy after he got home from work. I had spent most of my evening alone and thinking about our little girl. After Jeremy came home I just wanted to hear about his day and tell him about some songs I listened to.

Things quickly went from just talking to crying as I held onto what was left off our little girl. Her urn that is. I haven't even thought about holding it since we brought her home. To me this normally would seem a little morbid. For what ever reason I held it, brought it over to my bed and carefully laid it on my abdomen. For the first time I realized the empty feeling of "no more and never in this crazy world." I wanted to hold my daughter but I couldn't not without a box that kept her inside. I wanted to lay my daughter down between my husband and I but instead looked over at him with a grief stricken face and tears rolling down because this will never happen in this world.

Memories of times past, holding my little girl for the first time in her life back in February. That was the most incredible feeling in the world. It took four months to finally do that. Soon after Jeremy and I would hold her as often as we could. Memories like these are bitter sweet because now that is all they will be, memories. I find hope knowing that soon my grief will be behind me because soon I will reunite with my Ladybug and Jeremy and I will have our family once again. We must remain loyal to our God and soon we will see TanaLee again.

Thinking Back

This morning I woke up to a clouded sky and ate a slice of toast and sliced pears.

This kind of breakfast is what I would like to call a skinny or slim breakfast. Just enough to fill you but not so much that you feel guilty.

My breakfast took me back to when I was weeks into my pregnancy and just not able to hold much down. My husband suggested that I try toast but I wanted pears..so I had both. It was a tradition well after TanaLee was born. If only things like this didn't bring on sadness, unfortunately they do...all the time.

I think back to a place when my life was more complicated then it had ever been but some how it was normal and comfortable. You know the kind of sadness that bring on tears when you think about it? That happy but crazy place your mind lived in while you walked away from the hospital empty handed. Yeah, that is the place I go to in my memories from time to time.

I read something that I thought was really smart and so simple but somehow feels so hard when your dying to hold your baby. It said, "Why wait? No one will make your happiness you have to make it yourself." I think back to this and tell myself, yeah no more crying...you've cried plenty now pick yourself up and have a great day. problem is, is that its easier said then done. Especially when your loss was great and not to long ago.

Reading scripture is very helpful. Before my daughter I would have considered myself one that respects life. But once things changed for my daughters health I became much more appreciative and thanked God for every moment with her. I knew that death is not the end, it is just the end of that persons life in a wicked world. Never before had I understood how painful a life lost would be until I lost Tanalee. I have read the account in the bible that talks about Jesus final days on earth, his death and his resurrection a million times. Every time thinking how sad it must have been to witness a murder of a man who was innocent. I never thought about how it must have been for Jehovah to witness his son die for people who hated him. I never thought about the pain that God must have felt to see his son cry out in extreme pain, not until TanaLee died. I feel now more then ever that God can understand exactly how I feel because he too suffered the death of his son, resurrected him and gave him a people he would soon rule over. The nice thing is that what God did for his son Jesus, ressurecting him after death will be on a much grander scale.

I found this on another fellow mommy blog so I thought i'd give it a try...

20 Things that calm me..

1. The Sunshine

2. A warm breeze

3. My husbands arms around me

4. Belief in future Paradise

5. My puppy

6. Music

7. blogging

8. Soft blankets with warm coco

9. Chai tea

10. Piano

11. The pond down the road

12. Prayer and the bible

13. Good friends

14. Journaling to my Baby

15. Scrapbooking

16. Helping others

17. Giving others hope

18. Running

19. Calling a relative that I lost touch with

20. Loving kindness from someone I don't know

When life gets hard I think its easy for me to shut down and then I remember that the trails that I have faced have made me stronger and life continues to whisper hope is possible.

Today's update...

Yes that is how I recall I would say it on this blog...

I woke up feeling terrible. I cried thinking about my TanaLee, missing everything I did with her and just time. Time I had with her and the time I live without her. I look at pictures now that are glimpses from the past and reminders of moments close to my heart. I look at these photos and can almost recall that day in its entirety. Now they are memories, no more then that. The photo album I made will not turn into more...no more photo's of days ahead. Just moments and thoughts in my memory and printed in page..waiting to turn into something more...but for that I have to wait.

I read these scriptures today to bring me peace of mind- John 11:25, 26* 2 Corinth. 1:3,4 * Psalm 46:1 and lastly Psalm 27:14-

Jehovah is my courage my strength and my ability to endure my life without my precious baby girl. His very name testifies that, Jehovah= he causes to become. Although my emotions are over the top in depression.. I know that I have one thing that will never change- Jehovah will walk with me as long as I remain faithful and he will help me get to a life were I can be with Tanalee again. My sweet baby again.

Today is a day where i'm all mixed up.

Part of me wants to cry because it feels like nothing is going right, then part of me just sits in a fog.

Life without my precious baby girl is hard, unforgiving and lonely. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think about Tanalee. Lately things role in and out of my life, much of which I didn't know was even there.

Savannah my lil puppy is growing and is a real funny to watch. She's a ball of energy that never quits unless its her idea. Its days that I spend doing nothing but hang out with her and think, "how in the world did things end up like this?"

Jeremy is working on school and doing well at his job at Metro. I'm so proud of his hard work and I would love to through him a huge party when all this school stuff is done.

Today is an exciting day, I am going to get my measurements for a bridesmaids dress that I will wear in my good friends wedding in January. The gown for what I remember it for is champagne in color and a fitted to waist gown. Very elegant and sassy. I need to go get some heels for it because I will be walking with a rather tall groomsmen. I'm excited because this day is something my friend and I have been talking about for years, actually since we were just kids. Now the day is approaching and this is my first time as a bridesmaid and its with one of by best buds. Funny that I was a bride before a bridesmaid.

I find that since my baby girl passed away I am all over the place with my emotions and what I choose to do. I'm currently looking for a job since the one I was hired for just didn't pan out. This is frustrating since I hate the process of job searching and interviews just suck. I'm hoping I will find one soon that will stick since I'm not thrilled with searching in the first place.

until next time...