Elder Holland

I went to the adult session of Stake Conference tonight, and heard Elder Jeffrey R. Holland speak. As soon as this man opened his mouth, I knew he was inspired. In many ways he reminds me of Adrian. I wish he could have been there tonight. Adrian loves Elder Holland. This man has a great sense of humor but a great seriousness to him as well. When he speaks, people tend to listen. And if you can hold my attention for 45 minutes, then you are good.

His talk was all about tough times, struggles, etc. But it was much more than that. The things he said...it was as if someone came up to me and lifted up my chin...opened my eyes a little more.
This talk was for those who struggle, for whatever reason, at any time. As soon as I heard him say the words "tough times," my eyes filled completely, and I had to really try hard not to let them fall. I failed, but oh well. Here are a few random notes I took during his talk.

"How Long Oh Lord?" We all ask at some point.

"We have some Missouri days...some Liberty jail days."

"We are shedding some of the tears he shed."

"God loves broken things. He must because there are so many of them......it takes broken clouds to nourish the earth, broken bread to nourish us....."

"Don't fight sacrifice....don't resist it...."

"Welcome to the Baptism of Fire." I think I am the only one who thought this was funny...in a serious way. You would have had to hear the words leading up to this I guess.

"We ALL suffer...Paul called it the Fellowship of Suffering"

"ENDURE, AND SAVE YOURSELF FOR HAPPIER DAYS"

"You are learning that you are stronger than you thought you were."

"When these things come, you MUST NEVER shake your fist at God. You must never say 'God doesn't love me.'"

"In the middle of the storm, stay in the boat." When all else fails, ride out the storm. It WILL end.

I wish I could better sum up his talk. Each of these quotes are only a small piece of something much more profound he said...but I was so busy listening, I really didn't write all that much. After conduct ting the last hymn I was able to meet Elder Holland and quickly thank him for such a great talk. He spoke to me briefly but I'll never forget his kind words. He is a Christ-like man and I am honored to have met him. Tonight's conference was wonderful. I loved all of the speakers. I am glad I like going to church so much. I can't wait to go again tomorrow. Who would have ever thought.....

Personal Ramblings

I'm going to go out on a HUGE limb tonight with this blog. For reasons I don't need to get into, and in some ways don't even know, I have had a really hard time lately just living life. I can easily say that this is one of the most challenging years of my life thus far. I'm in that place I know I'll never forget, and hopefully one day look back and be so glad it's over, and know I've learned and grown from it all.

However, I also have much to be thankful for, and that is what I need to write about. I really hope by focusing on the good things, I will gain a better perspective.

Lately I have had a sister and two friends from back home call me often. Though I haven't picked up the phone, it has made my day to see that they called, and that they care. Caroline, Gini, and Adrienne, when things get really bad in my head, you each seem to pick it up on your radar and check in. Caroline listents to my broken record sobbings over and over again, and she never loses her patience. It keeps me going. Randi is there too...I make hair appointments with her just to talk to her. These four women are the ones who know everything about me...everything, and I am never ashamed.

The women in Relief Society always seem to care as well...I never have the guts, but I know if I stood up at church and told those women what was going on in my head...they would gather round me and hug me, and not leave until they felt I was going to be alright. That's why it's called the Relief Society!

My parents...I'm still the baby in so many ways, and I am sure I act like it. They're support is unconditional. I don't know what I'd do without them. They keep me in check when I am in denial. I love my parents like I loved them when I was a little girl. I depend on them to this day to reassure me and keep my chin up. They do, and I am in debt to them.

My little girl. She really is light in my life. I don't know what I ever did without her, or how I did it. On the airplane, they always tell the mothers to put their oxygen masks on first so that they can better assist their child...well, I am glad that I have learned to do this. Because of her, I take better care of myself, and so I also take good care of her....I think. I hope. I love her so much.

My husband. I can hardly write without tearing up over how hard he works, how much he loves us, and what an unbelievable positive outlook he has on life. Living with me is no walk in the park, but he acts like it is, and for that I am grateful. When times are tough, I just look at him and sing one line from the jazz standard..."Days may be cloudy or sunny, we're in or we're out of the money..." He usually finishes the line for me in a silly Sinatra voice. I am thankful for him for sure.

Church. No matter how hard it gets, I always want to go to church. Okay, sometimes I could sleep in...but I'd feel much worse if I did not go. Even when I struggle to concentrate on anything I see or hear there, I am comforted by just knowing I went. Sitting in the front left section of the chapel, with the arms of Adrian and Juliette around my neck. It's heaven when I'm going through hell.

Music...singing. It sounds stupid, but it is my saving grace. It's what I do well, and it's what lifts me when I'm down. It's my exercise. I don't' always feel like going to sing a jazz gig lately, but once I get there, and I sing the first note of a song that has new meaning to me, it is healing. I love to see the look on some one's face when I can tell they are feeling moved by the music in some way. Music makes me feel cool when I'm lame. It is the healthiest escape I have. I'll never forget the time I conducted "How Great Thou Art," in church, and the beauty of that music and the text caused me to literally tremble. I could not see the music through my tears. I'll never forget Palestrina in an old London cathedral. I'll never forget hearing Gilberto for the first time.....I always have music. Music will always be there for me. I thank God for music.

This baby. I have never felt "ready" for the challenge having a child. I am still more afraid than excited...more worried than blissful. But somehow, I am grateful for him. Our little boy. I know he's a fighter. I feel him kicking me when I'm down...literally...but in the most helpful way. It's as if he's telling me to keep kicking my own legs, and get back up again. Or maybe he is letting me know that he's alright, even when i'm not, and so I am momentarily relieved. He's a fighter. I can't wait to meet him and give him a name, and hand him to his father for the first time. I am grateful for the gift of a child, and all I have yet to learn from him.

And so, life may not be everything I want to to be right now, but it is what it is, and will always change in some ways. If I can learn to be grateful rather than mournful, I'd be in better shape. It's not always realistic to think this way, but this lengthy blog should make tomorrow a little easier now that I've put it all out there. And I'm stronger for it...or just dumb! We'll see.

What Have I Done?!!!

I've been "nesting" for a while now, but mainly in my head. Today was my second attempt at a very big job, and it's turned out to be a disaster. We need to re-arrange and minimize....I like to think of it as staging our home for the new baby.

It all started this afternoon with me moving all of my books out of an antique cabinet that I detest! It's Adrian's sister's and we have been babysitting it for three years! I want that thing out of our house...for good!!!!! So I figured if I started moving it, then someone would surely finish...so it's now smack dab in the middle of our living room.

Knowing there was nothing more I could do upstairs, I moved on to the laundry room and managed to get a changing table upstairs to the nursery by myself...dumb move, but I did it. The next thing I know, there are eight piles of books on the kitchen floor, a high chair on our bedroom, garbage bags of goodwill clothes in the downstairs hallway, laundry scattered EVERYWHERE downstairs, the digital piano in the middle of the nursery, toys toys and more toys everywhere I look, and the list goes on and on...

Adrian is going to come home from work to this, so I've been practicing my apologetic face in the mirror...no really, I have practiced.

I need help...I still have at least five other pieces of furniture I want OUT...and I can't lift anymore. What a fun way to celebrate this holiday weekend! As I've often said to my sister, I feel like a character in a bad John Waters movie...and that's no good. If only there was a safe medication for the crazy pregnant lady that I am.

My favorite southern women

My visit home will be broken up into several blogs most likely. The professional photos I posted earlier are great, but there is something beautiful about a southern family snapshot as well. Here are a few photos dedicated to the women in my family. We are all very different in so many ways, but we all share a family bond, and it's a cozy comfy feeling to know I am a part of such a lovey family. We are all strong, and can surely bump heads kindly, while using our manners. We all have opinions that we sometimes keep to ourselves for good reason. But we share in common a love for family, and how important family is. These women are beautiful to me, and I feel blessed to be a part of this family.

To my mother, I still depend on you because in the end you are usually right, and I see you in myself daily. You are soooo selfless, and I hope one day you will love yourself as much as you love everyone else, and as much as everyone loves you. You are so nurturing, thank you. I need you. You are definitely...Darling!

To Mamow, you are a strong southern woman who has taught me to keep eyes in the back of my head, while maintaining grace and poise. I hope to take care of myself as you have all of these years. You are very special to us all. Your faith is in everything you do.

Caroline, you are what a sister should be, in every way. We lift each other up, and we listen. You are the one I can talk to...you are the one who will listen. You are the one I want to listen to. We stick together. You've put me in my place when I needed it. You are a wonderful mother.

MaryLynne and Aunt Brenda, you are two of the most polite, lovely women in this family. You are positive women with strong faith in your beliefs. You have love for so many, and it always shows.

Anneke, You are the sweetest baby girl, and I can't resist your grins and giggles. You are gorgeous and I love to make you laugh! I can't wait to watch you grow into someone magnificent!

Juliette, you are my sunshine.

We had a little photo sesh with Jane Hill in Camden. Juliette needed head shots for her agent, in a variety of poses, expressions, and outfits, and hair. Well, we simplified and did what we could in an hours time, in the southern heat. Baby Anneke also had to get her first photos taken with my sister. They are so beautiful, and unique. My sister is so pretty, and I am glad she was in the photos this time, instead of me. I took one head shot but it's not worth putting up here. This day just was not about me. It was about the beautiful girls who mean so much to me. I love them all so much! Thank you Jane Hill, my dear friend and talented photographer, and so much more!
Juliette was a natural with her poses and facial expressions...we just kind of followed her around with Jane's coaching. She's good. It scares me. I know she will easily adapt to stage and screen one day, but I don't know how I will adapt to being the Mom at that point. I don't want to push. As long as she is having fun, then I'm cool. We shall see...if the agent even likes these shots...you never know with them.

The mural and the name..almost done

I am really avoiding cleaning our dusty hardwoods and doing laundry, by blogging for the second time today. It's ridiculous and a little pathetic, but so much more fun than chores. I am unmotivated because all i can do is count the days until I get to go home!!!!

Soooo... I thought I'd post a couple of pics of the nursery walls. Leslie is going to finish the mural while I am in Arkansas, and I can't wait to come home and see it! I know she is going to finish the sun with a little yellow, and add more of her magic touch here and there. The room is inspired by Eric Carl's art work in The Lonely Firefly. The concept sun set to midnight, and three trees as well. We are hoping to make some firefly hanging lights. It's a bold room, and I love it already! Thank you Leslie!!!

Finally, I am going to come out with the baby's name...which will surely make me change it. I've already received too many less than favorable responses. You know, the high pitched "Oh," which translates to "what a stupid idea!!!" Anyway, we are thinking of this name for our baby boy. The middle name is solid, no matter what, but I'm still not 100 percent on the first:

Victor Edward Frost...and yes, I am sure it would end up Vic.

I don't know....we may have to break out the big baby name book. But this is an improvement from Adrian's idea to name our son Von....which means "of." Sigh......

Baby Boy Shower

I had a baby shower for our little boy today! Holly, Anne, and Leslie put it all together, and it was so nice. It was held at Holly's townhouse, which was nice of her because they are days away from moving to Seattle! The theme was a "Garden Party," and we were going to keep it all outside but the grass was too wet. It didn't matter, because everything was so lovely. My girlfriends here are intrigued by my southern roots, and so they teased me, asking if this should be a "coffee" or a "tea." We had grasshoppers, baguette sandwiches, dirt and worms cake, and so much more. I received so many nice gifts and I can't tell you how strange it was seeing all of that blue, but I loved it! The kids had fun on the playground outside and we had a few Dads around to help out. Thank you everyone for caring about me during this time. I really needed this and appreciate your love and support. What a fun day!

Selfish ME!!

So after posting my last blog about my good day, I started getting phone calls from family and friends, checking to see if we were okay after the tornadic weather last night. Here I was, posting a blog about what a great day I had, and my loved ones were hoping we still had a home! After looking online at at other blogs, I realized that we really are lucky! I had NO idea that the storms were that bad! I guess Parkville is just miles away from where buildings were leveled in Gladstone, and my goodness 7 people dies in Arkansas, my home state. So....I'm feeling guilty and grateful all at once. What I thought was just a bad storm last night was really the product of tornadoes scattered throughout the metro area, and surrounding states. And I just blew it off, no pun intended.

Growing up in Arkansas, we were used to tornadoes. Our family made frequent trips to the post office where they had a safe shelter, and I remember waking up in the hallway in the middle of the night when sirens were going off. So I've always had frequent nightmares about tornadoes..I mean, three times a month for as long as I can remember I have dreams that would rival that dumb movie with Helen hunt, Twister. A therapist once told me it was because I created turmoil in my head!!

I think I finally just became numb to the idea of a tornado, and storms. They happen in my dreams, and they happened when I was little, but somehow they won't hurt me now? Chances are, probably not...but they sure have hit close to home lately, literally. I need not take a storm for granted, or my home and family.

Last night at 1am Adrian and I did not go to the basement when the storm got bad, because we didn't hear the sirens...but now I realize that they didn't sound the sirens because no one spotted it. So you have people who did what we did...woke up wondering what the heck was going on out there....only for some, by the time they started to look out the window, their roof was gone. One teenage girl in Arkansas was killed in her bed from a falling tree. It's awful!

On a related note, my friend Ryan Camp is an architect here in KC and he just returned from helping out with the Greensburg, KS rebuilding project. I think you can see him in the background on the CBS special! Good job Ryan!

A ME Day!

Well, for the first time in a looooong time, I actually had a ME day. I mean, I had a whole day with no time line, all to myself, to go shopping and run errands. No house work, no music to work on, nothing but time. This is rare. It was also a beautiful day to boot! I've needed this day, because I've been harboring a ton of stress and worry lately.
First, I slept in until 10:00! After a morning prayer and kissing Adrian goodbye, I drove to downtown Parkville and visited the local hand made soap shop to pick up hostess gifts for the shower next week. Then I cashed a check and headed to Oak Park Mall. Now...normally a day to myself would NOT involve going to a mall...I hate malls. BUT, I had a Sephora gift card and Oak Park is the only Sephora location I know about in KC.
It was so strange to walk into the mall by myself. I always have my JuJu with me, but not worrying about losing her was so nice!
After eating a slice of pizza in the food court I headed to Sephora. If any of you ladies have never been, you must go....but you must go knowing that it is a cosmetic mecca and can be a bit overwhelming.
I approached Kristin near the skin care, and told her I had gift cards but no clue where to start. The last time I went to Sephora was in NYC, so it's been a while. Next thing I know, she is giving me a complete makeover....a mini facial and full makeup. It was so unexpected, and FREE! They do that at Sephora, with no appointment or pressure to buy. In the end, I was able to get what I came for: Smashbox eyeshadow, Laura Mercier lipstick, and a few other items. Let me tell you, good makeup is not cheap, but it's worth it! Thank goodness for the gift cards! And I still have an online Sephora card to use, but I think I'll save it for another ME day...sometime next year!
I didn't even venture into buying the skin care regime. Well, I started to buy the Eucalyptus spray toner, until I saw that it was 68 bucks. For toner! According to the Sephora staff it would make me glow, but I'm going to depend on my hormones for that. It's cheaper. Then there was the 80.00 moisturizer, and the 50.00 primer....come on! I'm starting to think that when it comes to my skin care, I should keep my routine simple. Because I remember in high school I would get the five step Clinique skin care line, and for one week I would use it...but in the end all I ever used was that giant bar of face soap. I don't have time for primer, toner, eye cream, lip cream, setting spray, pore minimizer, etc....
After bathing in perfume samples, I headed to the maternity store, as I had another gift card!
Finally, out of guilt, I had to pick up something for Juliette because all I do is think about her. So I found some cute purple sunglasses on sale. She'll love them...and then lose them.
Lastly, I picked up my contact lenses from SAM's, and came home to a husband! He had a good job interview today and we are pretty optimistic about it. I made him a sandwich and sent hm to bed because he deserves sleep after this last weeks stress.
Now I am going to clean...because I have time to do so with no distractions, and i am actually in the mood to do it. Probably because I finally had a day to do something for myself and not feel guilty about it. A ME DAY!
And by the way, I don't think I could have done this without my sister's voice in my head guiding me through the jungle of cosmetics. I could literally hear her voice in my head saying things like, "You should go with the good lipstick...no Emily, you don't need a stupid facial spray....that eyeliner they put on you is purple don't get it....I love the eyeshadow....you have crazy eyelashes get some mascara...." I only wish she was really there. I can't wait to see her next week!

Recent JuJuisms

Just have to post this so I'll never forget:

JuJu: Mommy, I love you.
EM: I love you too!
JuJu: I want to keep you.
EM: Thank you so much! I want to keep you too!
JuJu: But... yesterday, I did not want to keep you.

And this is what she said to me when I called her the other night. It was bed time and she was very tired from playing all day with Grandma Vikki.

EM: How are you?
JuJu: My heart is broken.
EM: WHAT? Your heart is broken?
JuJu: Yes, my heart is breaking and I can't breathe.
EM: WHAT? I'm so sorry about that!
JuJu: Yes, my purple heart is breaking...it's broken...my purple heart, and I can't breathe.
EM: I'm so sorry, maybe it will be better in the morning.
JuJu: But I have to go to the doctor so he can fix my broken heart, and make it better, goodbye.
EM: silence, as she hung up....

I learned later that Juliette was upset because Grandma got JuJu dressed in her PJ's but forgot her underwear, and this is what caused the broken heart....What a funny little drama queen!