Alone with my thoughts

Down in Arkansas having a wonderful and MUCH needed visit.  Reading the Twilight Saga cover to cover, book by book.  Yep.  Hell has indeed frozen over, I just heard it from Lucifer himself, it's confirmed.  He is very angry with me right now, and very cold...because I am reading the sexless vampire saga....well, you know what I mean.

More to post with photos later.  

My sister is staying a few extra days, Thank You God!

Juliette no longer needs me, she has her Sidney.

Chloe and Cari are having a blast together. 

 Scott and his gorgeous LA actress girlfriend who can do no wrong and speaks perfect Italian, are back in Cali.  Take me with you, and make me 23 again.

Daddy is feeding us and taking good care of us, and staying up late to offer me sound advice on life and struggs.

  Mom is cleaning up after us and won't sit down for a second.  Mamow is cooking up something for our daily breakfast, lunch, and dinner.  I love these women!

Anneke is smiling and allll over the place. 

 Vagughn is sleeping only when I am awake, but he sure loves all the attention he is receiving, and loves Anneke.  Vanneke. 

 HE charmes us all with his perfect smile and those dimples.

Gifts and toys are strewn every which way, but happiness is in the air, so that's all that matters.  Happiness.  I'm trying to get there and stay there.  Can I take all of this with me back to the cold cold coldness of KC?  Maybe then I will feel warm inside.

We've been to three states in three days and had three Christmases...no, four.  We attended a beautiful Christmas Eve Service by candle light.  We also heard a hauntingly beautiful version of Sweet Jesus Boy by LE Lindsey...amazing. 

 Trips to Merl Norman and Sonic.  Making cupcakes and eating spiked plum pudding from Dave's English mother.  Listening to the Christmas story.  Opening up the leg lamp from the other Christmas Story.  

Watching a man in Camden drag his crippled self across the concrete to buy smokes, no wheelchair yawl...while his driver waited.

  Eating....and eating...and eating more. 

 Missing Adrian on our anniversary, planning how we are going to make it up to each other big time. 

 Spending time with my family, and wondering how I will make it back to KC without having a nervous break down. 

 I love being home.  I want to stay here, but there is a wonderul man waiting for me in Kansas City, and he has small hazel eyes, if you look reallly close they look just like sunflowers, and freckles, and a very strong opinion on just about everything...including me and how much he loves me.   I better go back at some point.

 If you see him around, go say hello...he hates it when we are gone...get so lonely and maybe even sad...but he'd never admit to any of that.  

 He's plotting our escape out of the Midwest, with a TON of encouragement from me.  It may take some time, but it's feeling like the thing to do.  I feel like Mary Poppins, like the wind is changing and it's time for me to go....but who knows, maybe God has other plans...we'll see.  Austin Texas keeps lighting up in our minds, even though I've never been there.

I've been staying up too late.  Tomorrow is a day of work for me....calls to make, people to talk to, lists of things to do while I have some free time down here.  And sometime in between all of the happy chaos, I will find myself and regroup, to be a better person.  To feel stronger. To feel ready and happy. Looking fwd to what is next.  I'm ready for it.  I am.  Happy New Year....oh I hope so.  Happy New Emily.  Love each and every one of you who care about my silly rantings.  

Aw now...EMily's getting serious...

Merry Christmas to everyone. Take the time to say a prayer, share a thought, or act on a good feeling. Christmas should not just be about buying gifts, though I know it feels good do that....but sometimes all you can do is pray...write a letter...or clean out your closet and give it away. We put so much pressure on ourselves to give give give on this ONE day, like there will never be another time to do so. Just today, I called my sister in a panic because I wanted to make sure it was okay that we did not do sibling gifts this year...I was so worried that someone would actually get their feelings hurt if they did not get a fabulous gift from me. This is NOT what Christmas should be about. I'm learning...it's not all about the stuff. It's not about that at all.

I am more aware than ever of the needs of others this year, and I don't think Christmas will ever be the same for me. I will always be more aware, more concerned, more empathetic. This season is like a wake up call from God for me. Look around Emily, look around. Happiness is not standing in line at Target. Joy is not hiding in the clearance rack. Peace is not having the best lights on the block. Bliss is not rooted in a fancy card. The true beauty of this season stems from love, kindness, charity, patience, and unity.

I believe in God. Some may not. But we can all agree one thing...love. So I am going to try and love, even when it's hard to...I am going to try to give, even when it seems impossible. I am going to pray, even when it seems futile. I am going to breathe, even if the air is thick with the fog of adversity. I am going to forgive, even if I'm the one who needs forgiving. I am going to be grateful. I am going to try and listen to the still small voice, even if it scares me. I am going to hold on to hope.

Juliette asked Anna what she wanted for Christmas. Anna replied, "peace on earth." Of course she did. Sounds cliche, but I knew she meant it. Juliette asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told her I just wanted her to be happy. I must be a grown up now...I could not let myself want for any material thing...I really just want happiness....for everyone around me...for myself. I want to go to the store and not see the faces of stressed out and tired people....of worried mothers and fathers.

So I'm learning this Christmas. I'm learning and growing. I do not have it all figured out, and thank heavens for that...because life is pointless if we stop searching, stop questioning, stop pondering. So, take the time to pray...share a thought...talk to a stranger....help a neighbor. Step aside from the insanity of consumerism. It's fleeting. Love is eternal. I hope to teach my children this concept...by living it. We can be grateful for gifts, but I want my children to give more than they receive. Juliette has started to do this. She will occasionally pick out a toy that she no longer likes, and she'll wrap it up and put it in Olivia's mailbox. I'm sure Olivia's mother just loves it when we dump more toys on her! But it's a good start for Juliette.

Will we still have Santa gifts....after all of my ranting about buying stuff....Sure, but Juliette is just as excited about seeing all of her cousins, and grandparents....family. What a gift it is to have a family. I hope she always knows how valuable it is to be loved.

Love to everyone. Happy Holidays!

Bird Alone

Abbey Lincoln says it all by singing one of her best songs...and one of my favorites. Everyone should listen to this song. Sorry Daddy, I know, it might seem depressing...but I think it's beautiful. My favorite line is "sending mournful sounds, soaring over troubled grounds." I cry every time I hear it. But it's okay, sometimes crying feels good.

Bird Alone, Flying High
Flying through a clouded sky
Sending mournful soulful sounds
Soaring over troubled grounds

Bird Alone, with no mate
Turning corners, tempting fate
Flying circles in the air
Are you on your way somewhere?

Gliding, soaring on the wind
You're a sight of glory
Flying way up there so high
Wonder what's your story

Bird Alone, Flying Low
Over where the grasses grow
Swingin' low, then out of sight
You'll be singing in the night

Privacy

Juliette now keeps a journal. She calls it her "privacy." She came up with this on her own. I found out about it when one night, I tucked her in around 9:30. Two hours later, I peeped in and found her sound asleep on her tummy, with her "privacy" and a pen right next to her hand. She had fallen asleep while drawing pictures....page after page of pictures. She had also written her name several times. I can't tell you how much I love her....and moments like this bring me true happiness, in every way. Her drawings are so great....they are very Tim Burton-ish, but with a little JuJu twist. I am saving everything...all of it. Paper plate crafts and such get thrown away daily, but I never trash her drawings, even if it's on a napkin.

This is her bedtime routine...every night. bath, teeth, pj's, book, prayers, and privacy. The only problem....is that she's staying up too late, even though I tuck her in at a decent time. Sometimes I think she is asleep in there....nope, she's writing, or drawing...very quietly.

Other Juliette news....she had a go-see with Hallmark this week. It was at Exposure, and I purposely did not tell her what to say or do. I don't want to be a stage mother, treating my child like a puppet or worse. She posed for several photos...and boy did she pose. I'm so proud of her. She's growing up so fast. The other night I did not sleep at all because I realized that in less than nine months, she will be in kindergarten....I nearly had a panic attack. Then I started thinking about the day she graduates, and how I will need a good insurance plan for all of the therapy I am going to need to get through those years.

Snow again

Sister and Brother

Vaughn, 3 1/2 months....in about 8 layers because the temp outside is around....4

He rolls over...and then gets stuck on his belly.

Note the fists...I think I've figured it out...his hands are always freezing, like mine...either that or he's about to punch someone.

"I want Barbie and the Diamond Castle." And boy does she. Thanks Mattel.

Her dance class is called "creative movement." It's the perfect place for JuJu.

Here's the JuJu tree.

hangin out in the crib.

Juliette wants to be a baby, just like Vaughn...Vaughn wants to be a kid, just like JuJu.

They are definitely related.

Brother and Sister.

Megan

If you pray, please pray for Megan Kitchen's family and friends. Megan, only 17, was killed in a terrible car accident this weekend. She was an active member in our church stake. Honestly, the last time I actually spoke with her, was when I first joined the church, and her parents had us over for dinner. We have always loved her family, even though we don't see them as often anymore. She was much younger when we first met, but I always knew her folks were in big trouble because she was so beautiful. Gorgeous. My heart breaks for so many right now.

I had to post a picture because people need to see what a bright light she was...and is. I know many people who were very, very close to her. Please think of them. I know their grief is overwhelming right now.

Anneke loves Santa

My neice, Anneke....if you click on the photo you will see how happy she is to be on Santa's lap.

I DID IT!!!

I did it! I nailed an audition, and I will finally have Disney on my resume! The actual job is no big deal, but the recognition is great for casting agents to see....not that I plan on becomming some big TV actress...if that ever happens it will be a complete freak accident. Still, I am just happy to have landed a role from an audition. In the acting world, you are a dime a dozen...no one remembers you or cares...so when they do...it feels kind of nice!

They say that you will get 1 out of every 30 auditions at best. Well, I'd say that is about right. All of the tv work I've done has been thanks to my agent getting the job for me. The casting people will call up my agent and ask her to submit a head shot and resume and if they like it then I have the job. Then there are auditions, where my agent schedules me for one, and I go, and NEVER hear back. So it feels great to hear back...like I really accomplished something...like someone actually liked seeing my crazy face on a screen!

After the audition last week, I called my sister and casually said, "...oh hey, i just blew an audition, it was terrible..." I kept thinking, my teeth aren't white enough, I still have more baby weight to lose, my nails are bitten off, I have dark circles under my eyes, etc....
To tell you the truth, I think Disney liked me because I looked like a real person, not some pretty and perfect actress. It just goes to show...sometimes when you try too hard, no one notices...so I should just be myself. It was the first audition that I did not stress over. I didn't put on tons of makeup, or curl my hair. I did my research for the "role," and showed up with a bad headshot.....that's all.

Anyway, it really is NO big deal, the actual job. Pay is good, easy work, and a big brand on the resume. I'll take it!
Okay, enough about me.

Why We Miss Anna

Anna is in gone again. She is living in a hippy commune on the west coast. After a stay there, she will be in the desert...then maybe a visit back here again. Anna is on a journey, finding herself, finding others, making our world a better place, and fighting off men who seem to fall in love with her as soon as they meet her. We really miss her. Here is one of many reasons why....

Anna and Juliette went on an "adventure." Apparently, this involved the book store, Fric and Frac, and Starbucks. Juliette was decked out in who knows what....and fairy wings of course. Little side note to this story....some random older man gave Juliette a dollar at Starbucks, just for being cute I guess, I don't know. I told Anna they need to take that act to the street and see what they can bring home! Anna apparently told Juliette to say thank you, but then proceeded to give the man an, "if you even think about following us out to our car...." kind of look. Anna does not trust strangers as much as I do, which is a good thing I'm sure.

At some point during that evening, Anna must have mentioned the words "inner peace." This would be something Anna would mention. She talks to Juliette about such things, and Juliette listens.

Days later, Juliette came up to me with a package of "chuckee cheese" candy left over from a party. Pointing to the candy, she kindly asked, "Mommy, can I have some inner peace?"

I replied, "Sure, but you have to share, I need some of that." She kindly gave me a piece...of inner peace.

So that's what we call sweet tarts now, and every time we see them...we think of Anna, and how she is out there somewhere, finding her own......inner peace.

Cantata

I'm so proud of the Stake Choir! We just completed a weekend of music, beginning with the annual Christmas Cantata and ending with stake Conference. Participants came from all over....St. Joe, Platte City, KC, Parkville, Platte Woods, New Mark, and even Maryville....next year I am certain that we will have even more in the choir! The invitation is out there for anyone to join...no matter their religious beliefs or chosen denominations. It is morphing into a community choir, hosted by the Platte City Stake. The idea is to focus on what we all have in common, rather than our differences...and music is a great way to bring everyone together....it's the universal language, blah, blah...all those things you hear about music, it's all true.

This year I added a small children's choir and wow...I will remember this idea. I'm pretty sure that every time a child sings, an angel gets her wings...or a fairy flies, or something like that...it's magical. Juliette came to one rehearsal, and actually stood there and tried to hard to sing with them....but I'm making her wait one more year. The last time she stood with a group to sing in church, she danced like Brittney Spears and sarcastically screamed "lalalalalala" with a Tyra Banks expression on her face. She just needs a little fine tuning, that's all!

Cantata was wonderful. I threw a few challenging pieces at them this year, with and without accompaniment. They were on pitch, and the blend was supreme.
The violin and flute additions were lovely. Soloist did a great job. The reception was LOVELY! Such a great night.

I love my church calling. It is not a paying job, and there is a ton of work....but the good it does for myself and others is worth more than gold. I know that God has asked me to do this, and that he knows best. Service is the best therapy there is....service combined with music, it's the best of all possible worlds.

I am most impressed with those who sing and play for Cantata. They are not "called" to participate, but have generously donated their time and talents of their own free will.
I am esp moved by choral accompanist....they are constantly overlooked and bossed around, even though they are hands down, the best musicians and smartest people....ever!

I feel guilty, because as a conductor, I am always there ready to work and easily irritated when singers are late or flaky....but I was once the vocal performance major who would never come to choir rehearsals....and when I did, I was late. I was the ultimate flake....very talented, but selfish with my time. Well, I've learned my lesson. I now know how important it is to commit, and participate, even when you may not feel like it. To me, rehearsals are like going to the gym....you don't feel like getting up and going, but you are so glad once you do.

Stake conf was great. So many good talks. Messages included: family home evening, treating your wife as your equal, virtue, hope in hard times, and church principles.

I'd like to say that now that Cantata is over, I can rest....but that is never the case. However, I would not have it any other way. I'm pretty sure that God knows how important it is for me to stay busy, and to serve. It keeps me from going postal most of the time, jk.....but seriously!

Hazel

So my sister told me about this through an email, and I was horrified. I checked out the blog, and now I am just crying my eyes out. Bottom line, everyone should read this. Do NOT send musical greeting cards to anyone with children, and please make sure all remotes and toys have batteries taped or screwed in. Caroline was still shaken over this story when I talked to her this morning, and I can see why. SO, prayers for Hazel, and check out their blog. hazelana.blogspot.com