Drinkin' From the Hose

Mya and Stella are officially real kids!  They drank from the hose for the first time and they loved it! We were outside blowing bubbles and it was ridiculously hot so after rinsing their hands off I asked if they wanted a drink.  They laughed and kept coming back.  They were soaked but having a great time!  It's the simple things in life!

Look at this cool pic that Wes snapped of Mya through a bubble!

Family Time

My parents were watching my sister's kids several days in the last few weeks because Lisa was on vacation.  Yesterday it was 106 degrees so the girls went swimming with their cousins to cool off!  I just love that they are so close and get to spend so much time together.

Hannah's Hope

My mom gave me a book that she bought a while ago and wasn't sure if she should give to me or not.  It is the story of the biblical Hannah and her struggle with barrenness (infertility nowadays).  I didn't start reading it immediately and I have only read a few chapters so far, because I'm really struggling with my relationship with God right now.  The author of this book, Jennifer Saake, has two living children but has struggled for over 12 years with her inability to get pregnant, miscarriages once she was pregnant and failed adoptions.  Her heartache was extreme but she choose to not become overly bitter and clung to her faith.  She did say her first few years she did struggle the most.

Lately, I have been questioning whether I really do want another baby.  I feel overwhelmed with the girls sometimes and think "How could I ever handle another one?" But reading a few pages of this book or looking at my photography board on Pinterest, which is full of baby ideas, and I'm crying my eyes out.  I think I am trying to make myself think I don't want a baby because maybe that would hurt less, but when it comes down to it I want another child more than anything in this world right now and for some reason unknown to me it isn't happening.  Wes REALLY wants another one too and I have no doubt that we would figure everything out just like we did with the girls.  He is the most amazing father my children could ever have and so I never have to do any of the parenting alone and I know that we both would love that baby like crazy!

Hope deferred makes the heart sick.

Proverbs 13:12

I'm also struggling with the fact that it is me that is the problem here.  I requested another consultation with my fertility doctor and my endocrinologist that monitors my pituitary tumor.  At both appointments I was told again that I am basically a mystery to them.  They don't understand why I don't respond to medicine when they give me huge doses.  My fertility doctor said that in my 9 failed IUI attempts all but one could have resulted in quads for most people and I haven't even been successful once.  Both doctors told me that we shouldn't give up, which is what I wanted to know most.  I really do trust their opinion but I just wondered if they really would tell me that it is time to give up.  I just don't know how long my heart can hold on.  I do feel peace when we aren't in the middle of a treatment and I can turn my attention to other things, but it is still in the back of my mind.  I just don't know if I could ever get my head and heart okay with completely giving up.  Wes says it is up to me when we stop because it is my body that has to go through it all.  But that is where I feel like a failure of a wife.  He absolutely wants another child and he should have more because like I said he is amazing.   He could have more if he had a different wife, one who wasn't broken like me.  This is my struggle.

My relationship with God definitely needs some work but I'm not currently in a spot that I can work on it.  I'm angry and I don't understand.  Why? Why? Why? Why? is all I can think.  I don't get it and I don't think there is anyone who can make me understand.  Reading this book, the author is definitely trying but I'm not sure if I'm open enough to hear it.  I want to be though, so what do I do? I don't feel like I can talk to him.  I mean I can talk but I don't feel like I hear an answer.  I realize he isn't going to be actually talking to me, but I listen to people telling me how they know when he responds or tells them what to do and I don't feel that way.  My mom says she thinks it is because I'm not "still enough".  So I guess I don't know how to do that either. 

But I cry to you for help, O Lord: in the morning my prayer comes before you.  

Why, O Lord, do you reject me and hide your face from me?

Psalm 88: 13-14 

I want to be clear that I believe in God and I teach my girls about Him and that He loves them.  I just don't feel very loved or listened to right now. Unless He's telling me that he just doesn't want me to have anymore and He is putting up these road blocks as his answer to me.  If that's the case it makes me even more angry, because we are good parents and we want this.  Giving babies to drug addicts, violent parents or teenage girls just doesn't make sense when we are very willing and capable people who love our children to pieces.  

A heart at peace gives life to the body,

but envy rots the bones.

Proverbs 14:30 

Venting helps a little.

Father's Day 2012

Sadly, I have to report that Father's Day was no where near as cool as Mother's Day was for me.   I had great intentions, but they weren't as well received as my gifts were.  Oh well, next year will be better hopefully.  Daddy got a big delicious breakfast, a bracelet with the girls name on it,  a Cincinnati reds thermal cup, an iTunes card and a Subway gift card.  He is also in charge of picking out two new running shirts for the summer, which he still needs to do.  I printed this banner off of blog I found and strung it up on our entertainment center and it turned out really cute. 

 We had to leave early because we were attending sweet little Reese Elizabeth's baptism and then followed that up with a nice party.  God bless this sweet girl!

When a good idea turns bad...

We have been so busy lately and so yesterday I decided I didn't want to do anything!  We were going to stay home and veg all day long.  We did that and it was nice but then I got super bored so after supper I had the great idea of heading out to Maumee Bay to take a nice long family walk on the board walk.  It is a nice wooden raised trail through the forest and marsh along Maumee Bay.  It is a total of 2 miles and makes for a great nature walk.  Well, it would make for a nice nature walk if it wasn't 92 degrees and insanely humid!  The girls were loving it for a little while and then decided they didn't want to walk anymore so Daddy and I had to carry their little bodies that were basically furnaces! I had talked them into walking to the observation tower because it was so cool from what I remembered when I last did this about 15 years ago.  It was a LOOOOOONG walk and ended up being pretty lame.  We laughed and sweat our butts off all the way through this whole mess though!  We did end up seeing one deer and a bunch of birds.  The bugs were nuts too!  We finally found our way out and made a beeline for the Big Dipper to get some ice cream that we so deserved!

The deer we saw!

Still enjoying our stroll at this point!

Stopping for one of our MANY breaks!

All that wilderness made nature call!  Taking two recently potty trained kids on a two mile walk through the woods means you gotta do what you gotta do so we peed over the edge.

Monkey see, monkey do!

African Safari Visit

On Saturday, Ashley, my Mom and I loaded all the little girlies up and headed out to Port Clinton to visit the African Safari park.  We also found out that our good buddies, the Garmans, were camping 5 minutes away and so they met us there.  It was so much fun!  You drive your car through park and animals come right up and stick their heads in the vehicle to get some food that they give you to feed them.  It is mostly llamas, alpacas and deer, but they also have bison and some other huge animal that I didn't know what it was.  The zebras and giraffes are not just roaming free but are behind a fence.  You can still feed them though.  The girls LOVED it!  The big red vehicle in most of the pictures is the Garman's truck.  They were in front of us.

 After the drive-thru part we parked the cars and went to the part where you can walk around and see some other animals.  There was also a play ground, a stage for shows and a place to take a free camel ride.  The Garmans headed back to the campgrounds and  Ash had packed the adults a super yummy kale and avocado salad and the kiddos got carrots, crackers and grape and cheese kabobs! It was a great morning!

Classic annoying teenager pose!  Haha!