Bowling with the Garmans

A few weekends ago we went bowling with our best buds the Garmans.  This was the first time we tried bowling in a long time and it was a lot of fun.  Mya was kind of in a funk that morning and only took a few turns but we still had fun.  We also found out that the bowling alley has a program for kids in the summer that offers two free games of bowling every day and all you have to pay for is the shoe rental.  I'm thinking we will be doing that a lot this summer!

 Just wanted some proof that I beat Wes and Kelly!

Preschool Program

February 24th was the girls All-American program at school.  The program was part of the regular church service so we had to be there bright and early at 8:30.  We were so happy to have so many family members present for the girls and some even made the two hour drive that morning! They are so loved!  Every single grandparent, three great-grandparents, 1 great aunt, 2 aunts, 1 uncle, and 2 cousins all there to show them they care.  Blessed!

The program was really cute and the girls did a great job.  My pictures aren't that great but it was a very sweet program.  Following the program there was donuts and muffins in the fellowship hall.  We only stayed for a little bit and then we headed to Cracker Barrel with YaYa, YoYo, G.G., G-Pa, Grandpa, Nana and Papa.  It was a nice morning and a great distraction for me as this was the weekend of the miscarriage.

 Listening to the pastor during the children's mass.

 Playing the bells.

Twin Talk Vol. 19

It's been a LONG time since I posted a twin talk.  They are constantly cracking us up and I just stopped writing it down, but when looking back at old posts I decided I needed to take the time to keep track of it because I just LOVE reading these posts.  These were all in the last few weeks.

*After the girls' program for school that was held during the church service Mya was quietly staring up at the front of the church while I was holding her. This was the weekend of the miscarriage and she had struggled with it so I wondered what she was thinking. I asked what she was looking at and she didn't say anything. I followed her gaze and saw that she was looking at the statue of Jesus. I asked her if she was looking at Jesus and quietly she whispered to me “Yeah, I'm looking at Jesus. I can see his boobie!!!!” Jesus had a sash on and his chest was in fact bare. LOL

*This one was recorded by Daddy because Mommy was at a concert. At tonight's supper (barbeque chicken) Mya kept telling us how disgusting this was and that she wanted her favorite chicken meal (children's favorite). Well I told her that she needed to eat one bite. As she brought the bite to her mouth, before she it even hit her lips she started saying "ewwww, gross, disgusting". So I asked her how it tasted? She replies, “it tastes like poop!” So I counter with, “Oh, yeah. You've had poop before, what does that taste like?” Without missing a beat she mentions that poop tastes like farts. I take the former stance as before. "Really? Well what do farts taste like?" With a snide look, she replies, “farts taste like the chicken I just ate!"

*We are going to stay at an Embassey Suites in Indianapolis with Wes' mom towards the end of March and the girls ask all the time when we are going to the “Ho and tell”. :)

*Mya was being a stinker and snapping back at Stella. They were making “a camp out” in the living room and Mya stole Stella's bed that she made. Daddy was in the kithen and says “Mya, I'm pretty sure your bed is in your bedroom so you two need to stop fighting.” Mya replies very snappy “No, Daddy, I'm pretty sure it isn't!” He had to look away because he was laughing and when he composed himself he sent her to the corner for sassing him. LOL

*The girls were having a conversation on our old house phones and cell phones that we gave them to play with. They were on opposite ends of the house and yelling loud enough so they could hear each other. After a while Stella put her phone down but Mya kept yelling “hello?” Finally, Stella says “Sis, I'm not on the phone anymore because I'm pooping!” Mya walked to the bathroom and Stella yells “No, get out! I don't want you in here because it's seriously stinky!”

*The girls were taking forever to clean up one night before bed and we were getting frustrated with them. Stella wandered into our room and I said “Sissy, I don't think you're done cleaning yet.” She replied “I think you're right, Mommy, but I'm just taking a little break.”

*Stella followed Milo outside to let him out one morning and she came back in and said that she saw something shaped like a rainbow fall out of his tail. LOL

*Both girls always pronounce the word before "afore".  Wes wants to correct them but I love it and don't want them to change it.  

We are still alive...

I haven't blogged since the miscarriage but we are still alive here at the Rethman house.  Things are mostly normal and that is thanks to the pair of sweet three year old girls that hold our hearts.  It's crazy how little people can adapt and bounce back from situations so quickly.  They were sad, very sad, the day we told them about the baby and every so often they ask questions but mostly they are fine.  I'm happy about that because, of course, I don't want them to be scarred by this but it also makes me feel sad that this sweet baby can be so easily forgotten.  In a way I feel like this has made me react in the same way.  If life can move on so easily for everyone else I feel like I'm not supposed to be in mourning.  I know that people mean well but I really don't know what to say when people ask how I am or tell me to hang in there.  What else would I be doing?  I'm going through the motions of life and I may appear to be okay but really I'm sad.  Comments about everything happening for a reason and that I need to remember and appreciate the blessings that we do have.  That comment is the worst.  Of course,  I appreciate our blessings in fact that is why this is so hard because I know how amazing it is to be a parent.  Having our girls is the best part of our life.  It is so ridiculously hard to know that we should have 4 beautiful children in our home and not just 2.  I know I will meet them someday but that just isn't good enough.  I want my 4 1/2 year old and my big growing belly with our soon-to-be sweet baby here now! 

I hope this doesn't sound rude but if you haven't been through this heartache then you really can't imagine what I feel.  I know people don't know how to respond and I don't even know what I want people to do.  I guess mostly I want our child to be acknowledged but I don't really want to be asked about it right now.  I'm  completely aware that I'm impossible.  I don't want to have to say I'm okay because I'm not and I don't know how else to respond.  People don't really want me to say how I'm feeling because that's awkward so I just say I'm okay but really I'm not.

I looked up the stages of grief and it is so crazy how accurate they are.  I am definitely going through them but I kind of flip between stages 1-4.

1. Shock and Denial
2. Pain and Guilt
3. Anger and Bargaining
4. Depression, Reflection, Lonliness
5. The Upward Turn
6. Reconstruction and Working Through
7. Acceptance and Hope

Having gone through this before I know that I will make it through but it just takes a long time.  And even after you're through it, you will go back over time.  Right now I feel like I'm mourning both losses again.  I'm struggling with what to do next.  Right away I wanted to try again because I just wanted to be back in the spot we were in: happy, excited and pregnant.  I do still want that but I'm just not sure I can take the risk of this happening AGAIN!  This post wasn't supposed to be this sad and depressing but once I started typing the truth just came out. 

Here is what is keeping me going-

I love them with my whole heart!