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Army
22 Months.
Cherish it yeah?
When you're feeling down, pick up the earpieces. It helps.
Especially when the feelings align. 2008 I first heard this song, will not be hearing it for another 3 weeks I guess.
Good night. Tuesday, May 7, 2013
Toiled 1:01 AM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
Ticking
Step by step, it's drawing closer.
Ticking silently, yet its presence is enormous. It's drawing closer. The anticipation swells. It's like you're being swallowed. Nightmare or bliss. Looking forward, yet I trudge ahead, tired, jaded. I want to study, I realise how much of a nerd I am. Or maybe I yearn for the student life. That small moment of bliss where you while away your sunday afternoon. All the care for the world behind you. Arms swinging, boots digging. Sweat dripping, breath heavy. Hands grabbed, squeezing in fact. The pain keeps you alive. I want to enjoy the feeling of accomplishment. Now, surrounded my strangers. A new chapter begins. But the old one hasn't closed. I'm still immature me. Sunday, May 5, 2013
Toiled 7:49 PM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
What's happening
Sometimes, you really do have to take a step back and observe the picture.
Jiak's still in the stage where she is unable to stand up for her own. Despite how she claims she wants to be a "strong" woman, instead of one who gets pushed around, she is stupidly being controlled. It's not kindness if you give in to your friends only to vent your anger on other. It's not kindness if you think about your "friend's" feelings if you overlook ours. Open your eyes and let the shells fall. You're being controlled like a marionette. Stop playing the fool. Toiled 12:15 AM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
Life goes on
Don't get in?
Don't bother. Not happy? Try again. Don't get in? Try again.Rinse and repeat, if you really want it. If you don't bother, then you don't really want it. Money is not everything. Will is. Saturday, May 4, 2013
Toiled 3:08 AM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
Tears
It's not everyday that I get to sleep like a log, it's not everyday I get to laze around and do calming things.
Sometimes I stop typing and look at my personal statement. Is it really worth it, is flying off from Singapore what I really want. The risk of losing all my friends and becoming a social pariah given my odd nature and work>life ethic. I still trudge on, looking at the positives.
Ran a fever the day before.
Hitting the dirt-path soon. I don't want to regret. I'll take a moderate pace. Take it easy on my body, you have one more week to BMT. Three weeks, I'll be missing my sister for sure. The person who I probably care for the most, yet unable to express this concern for her well-being.
What an excuse, my heart is shielded with a thin block of ice. A pick-axe can get through the cracks, yet your excuses can't.
I am jealous of those who got into OCS. It seems like your efforts paid off.
I wonder if mine will. Life hasn't really been on my side when tests play a part. That's why I work so hard, so that I'll get the last laugh. But what if I don't, how much am I affected when I get laughed at. Those sneers, those downward looking stares. It's cold here you know. I'm still stuck in this abyss. I'm not drowning, but I'm still here. I can't find my stepping stone. I want out. I lie when I say I am hoping to get into Command School. I want the best. I really have an inferiority complex. I shrugged it off last time. So what? I'll work hard, I'll do my best. Hard work beats talent. But when it matters, do I do well. Do I perform up to expectations. Did hard work pay off. So what? So what if you put in hard work. You ain't ever gonna cut it.
I work hard to get acknowledged. If I don't get acknowledged, how affected am I? I wear my HCI shirt out in public, because I want the recognition. I want the acknowledgement that I am someone with class, someone who has made it. Elitist as it may seem, its more like I have an inferiority complex. I'm still in this mould that I can't break out off. If I was a cocoon, would a butterfly emerge, or would I suffocate from this lack of oxygen. I want to be recognised by the world, but I'm too weak to make my move. Troubled lives.
How will BMT treat me? I don't like the idea of being looked down upon. It's not that I want to fail, it's that sometimes you can't help it. I get jealous easily, I get sad easily, I get tired easily. I train, I toil. All for that reason. Should I find another reason, is it worth the mess I put myself into? What am I really doing? For them, or for myself?
I work hard, I tire. I'm going to do my best, but is "my best" enough? I want to succeed. I thirst it. I want it. But what if you stretch out your hand, fingers outstretched, and that golden beacon of light escapes fluidly through your hands. No hesitation, without thinking. It did not even consider you. Your worth was nothing.
I'm selfish, I'm weak. But that's who I am. I know. I work hard. I pray, I wish, I hope.
Hope for the best. I don't want to expect the worst. God works in wondrous ways. But what if selfish little me wants to live in this moment. What if I want everything without having to give things up. Can I have my cake and eat it. I'm scared. It's time to take a step.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Toiled 5:03 PM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
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