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Smile!
Hey, listen to me
When I'm blue I'll colour my lips bright red Thursday, August 29, 2019
Toiled 9:23 PM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
And the mirror is your friend
When looking back, maybe each choice came a little too late.
But when looking forward, nothing is ever too late. Right?
It isn't the first time that people criticise me for being optimistic.
But maybe they don't understand how a step into my pessimism just sends me in a spiral.
This optimism, I think, serves not as a fuel towards a better future. Rather, it gives me the drive to move ahead to that elusive piece of self that I've always been trying to grasp.
Whether or not a better future is part of the plan is, unfortunately, merely an afterthought.
Maybe one day, when I reach my end, it'll all make sense.
Whether or not this optimism is actually called for. But for now, I think I'm content. Tuesday, August 27, 2019
Toiled 2:58 PM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
And if I go, this will be the song I swim to
And then she said,
"You know he thinks well of you. He went through some hard times and you were there for him. And when you didn't reply, he was hurt, thinking that he had done something wrong. You should probably call him." "Wow. Didn't know he thought that way of me. I wasn't really meeting people then. Mmm, I should probably apologise..." "Yes you should." Bye Bye Beautiful - Nightwish Dark Chest of Wonders - Nightwish Ghost Love Score - Nightwish Monday, August 26, 2019
Toiled 4:10 AM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
The HyperSensitive Person
3am, we were sat there.
Ham and cheese, a cry from the nicer times of the past.
"So how are you really."
"I miss Tim."
"Or you hate the fact that he just gave you an idea of what love actually is. So much more possibility."
"And I hate him for that."
"But if you were still going on with your ex, wouldn't you be sad..."
"I'd rather have been ignorant."
"Can't go back now."
"And I hate him for that."
"I'm sorry, I'd like to say everything will work out well. But I myself am doubting my self now."
"It hurts..."
"I'm sorry. Sorry that I can't say anything beyond words. Sorry that I can't fully empathize. Sorry that I can't lie and convince you to accept my lies."
"If I went back to Jon-"
"I'll hate you for that. I'll hate you for giving up on yourself."
"... Why are you so simple."
"Sometimes, I wish I wasn't like that."
"No, the world needs more people like that."
"... but I don't."
We sat there.
And we were just sad.
And for the first time in a while, we were just sad, and no one told me that things would get better.
Because maybe we didn't want things to get better.
Maybe, we'd rather be sad with it all.
--- 1am. The bass was deafening. "So how are you." "I'M NOT GOOD. I'M SAD. I'M ANGRY. I'M NUMB" "You're still in love?" "YES." "Let's go. Let's leave." But we never left. --- Like a sneaky person tip-toeing through the empty hall ways. Each creak muffled by the sheer caution of the thief. The music drifts in. The muscles relax. The guitars come in. The bass snaps in. The tambourine chimes in. The drums beat in. The voices express the ideas, the emotions, the desperation. It soothes. It balances. It hurts. But we go back. Because we like the poison. --- "I hate meeting people." "Wut, why?" "Because they disappoint." "I'm glad to be your friend." "Cheers, to disappointment." --- Aimer - Blind To You Coldplay - The Scientist Coldplay - Violet Hill IU - Through The Night Saturday, August 24, 2019
Toiled 1:31 PM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
Look.
We walk on. Go on.
Friday, August 23, 2019
Toiled 2:16 AM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
Clearing clearing gone
1/7/2018, 20/8/2019
I remember coming out of Tate Modern. It was after my exams. Third year anyway, and I had about a week before leaving for Germany. I got out of my room and headed to London. There was The Queen's Walk that I had wanted to go. To re-live the memories of the first date. Hey, I had trouble moving on okay? So anyway, I was walking out of Tate Modern. Maybe it was an emotional day for me. Emotional Zhongy likes art. Emotional Zhongy likes to sit and watch the still pictures, the lights, the colours. Emotional Zhongy doesn't understand art. But he's fascinated by it, fascinated by the artists' skill. It's almost like they're throwing you a rope. And sometimes, emotional Zhongy feels that rope brush by his arm. And maybe he misses it. But maybe he grabs it. And then the emotions pour out. That day he missed the rope. So emotional Zhongy only sat there fascinated. He walked out of Tate Modern. He was hungry, and tired of walking. So he sat down on a bench. There was a busker playing. Coldplay. Ed Sheeran. Typical busker music. And that was when Zhongy caught onto the rope. He smiled. And he cried. Simultaneously! The pretty girl on my left left then hahahaha. And the pretty girl on my mind left then. --- And when he got back to Oxford. He met the pretty girl once more. "How was your day?" "It was okay! More than okay in fact. Tate Modern was pretty nice to be honest." "Really, didn't always get it." "Well, today I did." "Good for you then." "Yes. Thank you." And then I smiled. A smile laced with sadness. But a smile true to my emotion. And then I walked home humming to Lego House. Tuesday, August 20, 2019
Toiled 1:16 AM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
Dyson sphere and the if only-s
Sigh.
14/8/2018 Sometimes life moves so fast that you don't know where you're going. I've always thought that when I breakdown, it's a sign that I'm not what I'm supposed to be. But what if each time I got better, I didn't 'learn' and 'adapt'. I simply learnt to 'postpone'. I realise that as much as I tell people what they like, I've become able to tell myself what I want to hear. 18/8/2019 Maybe one day I'll find out what 'I am' and not really what 'I'm supposed to be'. Or maybe I would never be able to. I'd like to think that I'm enjoying myself, and enjoying my journey. But what if I could be happier? Do I really dare to take that 'leap of faith'. No leaps, I suck at jumping. But maybe small steps. Among all those wrong steps, maybe I'll find something more. Go to sleep. --- 17/8/2019 Sat on the swing. And it was a good time for In Rainbows. I've always thought the lyrics were as follows, but apparently not. It's all wrong. It's all right. It's all wrong. It's alright. --- 19/8/2019 And today, maybe I'll take the first step. Or maybe, it'll be tomorrow. Or maybe the next day. Maybe it'll take a while, but you know. I'm determined. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VD4jXcAGuvQ Monday, August 19, 2019
Toiled 8:27 PM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
to be
"Hi"
"It's been a while." "So what do you want today?" "Uhm, I don't know." --- I swear my thoughts turn so sharp when I'm hungover. Or maybe at least when I have a splitting headache. --- "Hi there Zhong Hui. How have you been. Are you still paralyzed. Are you still gripped by fear." "Hi there Zhong Hui. How are you today. Are you still floating. Or have you somehow turned amphibious." "Hi there Zhong Hui. How are you today. Have you stopped yourself yet?" --- "I love Tarantino films." "Why?" "The fact that I suddenly lose focus on the plot. And I just watch because I want to." "Interesting" "Why?" "It's completely different from what you're always doing." "Okay?" "Okay. As usual you're so blind." "Shuttup and eat yur Big Kahuna Burger." "It's a royale with cheezeeeee" "Yea yea metric system" Thanks Hussein. I still am. But maybe I'm able to poke holes into where my eyes are supposed to be. Every dead body that is not exterminated, gets up and kills. The people it kills, get up and kill. --- "Hey Zhong Hui, what'chu doing." "Come on guys it's 2am, let me just watch my porn in peace." "Nice, we're going in." "... Okay fine come in." Thanks ki ko house. Some things will always be stained with me. The chats till morning with Julius and Hussein. The listening to IU for hours and hours only to find myself sleeping in a pool of my drool. The drawings on my window and the scout's worry that I had gone insane/possessed by the devil. The gossiping. The socio-political-economic arguments that take the whole day. I'll look back fondly. So thank you. --- Talk about IU. Let's go back to Germany. Maybe, that was the start of something interesting. I used to take walks in Oxford. The reason I started taking walks was because I had headaches. And then one day, while watching the show, I came to this realisation that I wanted to go hiking. What inspired me, I dunno. I wanted the simple life. ??? I wanted the pain to be the pain from the backpack. I wanted the joy to be meeting the random stranger on the road and talking to them in broken German/English. I wanted the past. ??? So I went. Maybe that was beginning of something beautiful. Maybe it was just something natural. --- Yes I'm still paralyzed. But I take that as a sign of me needing rest. I don't think I'm amphibious. And I'm still drowning. I've stopped myself countless times. I've looked into the mirror. And looked and stared. And I've been gripped my fear. By regret. But at the same time, I've learnt that there is so much more that the world has to offer. And days like this, the world spins so fast that I feel like I'm flying. Days like this, I feel blissfully happy. And I know that I'll one day smack into the window again. But you know, once you've tasted coke zero, you won't be satisfied with coke. --- 'I said don't mess up my tempo' --- And now at 4am, my thoughts get interesting. And while some thoughts are better left untouched, some ideas left unturned, my mind just sends them to me like junk mail. "Zhong Hui, what do you think of the hierarchy of needs?" "Maslow?" "Yea" "Over simplified? Don't talk about self-actualisation, what is esteem? And what is mastery? You know, some people will die not knowing. And while I pity them, a bit of me envies them." "Oh, didn't know you felt that strongly." "Maybe, but whenever I see a picture of a cell painted so simply, I feel insulted." "... Is that because you know that you'll never be able to reach it? Do you fear it? Is it another competition for you? Is it something that you need 'to be'?" "... Maybe, maybe that's why I'm angry." "Angry?" "Yea, that'll I'll always be stuck here." "And is that wrong?" "Dude what are you saying, you just trying to piss me off today?" "No... Maybe, you're weird. You get angry for the weirdest of things" "Best compliment of the day." "Welcome" --- Maybe it's still a competition. Maybe I'm right about it being oversimplified. Maybe I'm dead wrong. I still don't like reading and taking what people say as truths. Fact is I still like to filter lest I lose a sense of self. "This is all so frustrating." --- And this mind fart is fueled by: Kanon Wakeshima - Suna no Oshiro Howl's Moving Castle OST EXO - Tempo Arcade Fire - Song on the Beach DJ Okawari - Perfect Blue, Luv Letter, Flower Dance But I still say, they're flowers. Sunday, August 18, 2019
Toiled 1:07 PM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
Tired
Friday, August 16, 2019
Toiled 10:25 PM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
Spotless Mind
In our gallery of things, there'll always be records of songs that has got me through tough times.
"You need to be in a certain mood to listen to Radiohead." Wednesday, August 14, 2019
Toiled 6:52 PM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
Hey, Hi, How do you do
"Boom!"
"Hmmm?"
"Do you ever regret it?"
"Hmm no."
"Okay. I really respect you for it."
"Why? Hahahaha"
"I don't know. Maybe sometimes, you don't need a reason. Maybe sometimes, it'll eventually come to you. Maybe it'll never come to you. But for now, all I know is admiration for your actions."
"Too complicated."
"Haha, I guess so. I don't know."
Tuesday, August 13, 2019
Toiled 9:35 PM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
More
The Cinematic Orchestra - Arrival of The Birds & Transformation
The Last Shadow Puppets - The Age Of The Understatement Bonjr - It's Ok, You're Ok Arcade Fire - No Cars Go Dreamcatcher - Piri Tchaikovsky - Lake In The Moonlight Mizuki Nana - Under The Starry Sky, The Moon And The Fireworks Monday, August 12, 2019
Toiled 5:55 PM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
Constants
You know, when people ask me whether if I have changed, I think the appropriate answer is that my view of the world has expanded.
--- Are you still out there? Do you still read? If there was a constant, it would be my love for all the sounds the world has to offer. Sometimes I put on a brave face and step into the heat. But you know deep down, my heart, my thoughts, my fears, my desires, everything can still be expressed with music. They tug and pull, they invoke emotions, they give me the hope that maybe someone out there is able to understand me. So if you're still here, this is an open invitation to feel the me of this month. The Black Keys - Lonely Boy The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army Muse - Uprising Muse - Plug In Baby System Of A Down - Toxicity Linkin Park - Numb Foo Fighters - Best Of You Gorillaz - Clint Eastwood Metronomy - The Look Tame Impala - Mind Mischief Leessang - Turned Off The TV Ben - Can't Go Arctic Monkeys - 505 Alt-J - Tessellate Chungha - Flourishing Still Corners - The Trip IZ*ONE - Highlight Glass Animals - Youth Charlie Puth - We Don't Talk Anymore Big Bang - If You Gary - Get Some Air Jonghyun - Diphylleia Grayi Jonghyun - End Of A Day I.O.I - Downpour Aimer - Penny Rain Sunmi - Gashina IU - Through The Night Sunday, August 11, 2019
Toiled 8:01 PM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
Time couldn't be slower
Walk on. Wednesday, August 7, 2019
Toiled 10:28 AM ~
100% Effort, 100% Luck
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